Tonight we are in Salt Lake City, the home of David Archuleta. People gather on the streets in the dark waiting to audition and I would mock them, except I did it twice during season 4. I wasn’t auditioning because I didn’t feel like embarrassing my mother on those particular days, but my friend Mandy was auditioning and I went along for moral support. And ya know, Seacrest.
Randy arrives first and doesn’t know where he is, which Ryan blames on the thin mountain air, but which I blame on Randy being Randy. He never knows where he is. I bet when he goes home to his wife, he still asks her what street they live on.
The son of someone who claims to be one of the Osmonds is auditioning. His name is David and though I don’t approve of that name because we‘ve been there and done that (twice), I like him. He and his father both have multiple sclerosis, but David is out of his wheel chair and walking and it’s like a Fedorov story. This is the kind of back story I like. David is singing a song by the group Take 6, of which I do not know. There are bunch of Osmonds out in the hall and several of them are very cute. I might be moving to Utah. Yes. I think I will. Since the Osmonds breed like cats, I shouldn’t have a problem finding me one. David tricks us into thinking maybe he didn’t get through to Hollywood, but surprise! He did! He was just hiding the golden ticket behind his back!! I’ve never seen that joke done before! Not on this show! How wholesomely original!!
Ryan is wearing a lumberjack shirt. He kind of looks like a lesbian. He steps cautiously towards a rather healthy girl dressed in Goth. He’s shorter than he is and he can’t seem to take his eyes from hers. But one of her eyes keeps darting weirdly to the left, so that’s probably why. She says she’ll be singing a song called ‘One day I’ll Fly Away’ to which Kara responds, “Of course.” I’d tell Kara what thin ice she’s skating on, but this girl is weird and can’t sing anyway, so I’m totally not going to bat for her. Simon says he hopes she’ll fly away soon. The judges are all kinds of mean to her and then when she leaves in a huff, they apologize. She walks past Ryan without stopping when he tries asking her how it went. I hate when people ignore Seacrest. When you ignore him, you also ignore me. Yeah, I'm talking to you Brangelina.
A bunch of girls suck and I refuse to describe them in more detail. Then some guys suck and the same goes for them.
Chris came to the audition wearing a Simon shirt while his best friend Greg came dressed as a giant, pink bunny. Ya know, for luck. The judges argue over how the Simon on Chris’s shirt can’t actually be Simon because the picture is too good looking. He’s singing ‘Roll To Me’, a song which I love, only he isn’t very good and his stupid bunny friend dancing behind him and annoys everybody. Except Kara, who encourages him to jump around. Chris is cute and for this I wish he was good. But he is not. And they make him and his bunny leave, but first the bunny must molest Simon. Which is kind of hot. Ya know, in a weird fetish porn kind of way.
Ryan says “have we found the next Amy Winehouse?” to which I reply, “Do we really need more than one?” Seriously, you can take back the original Winehouse and I will never know the difference.
blozor: I wasn't aware we were looking for the next Amy Winehouse. WHY ARE WE LOOKING FOR THE NEXT AMY WINEHOUSE?!? My God... What if we find her?
A bunch of crazy Utahians audition really badly over the sounds of ‘Put On A Happy Face’ for no apparent reason at all. The only bright side is a cute redhead, but he is soon gone.
But then… Seacrest!! He goes out into the holding room and tells everybody not to let the judges tell them no. Oh God. He’s encouraging asshattery. I’ve never hit you Seacrest, but if I ever hit you, it will be over this. Also, maybe that shirt you’re wearing.
Girl with passion for singing sings and I think she’s the Amy Winehouse Clone Ryan threatened us with earlier. I don’t like jazz music so her audition bores me to the bones.
Oooh, and speaking of. Bones isn’t on tomorrow night so that Idol can be on again! How dare they! How dare they replace my beloved Bones, even with Idol! Seacrest is responsible for this, I know it! He’s just mad cause of that time I traded him in for David Cook. You know what they say Ry. If you like it, then you should have put a ring on it. You don’t take away Bones!
Anyway, Winehouse Lite is put through.
Megan has a Carly Smithson arm tattoo. Only instead of an unknown face, it’s a castle and a moon. She has a son named Rider. He’s adorable, but I am so over single moms. Not single moms in general. I mean, if you’re raising a kid on your own, more power to ya. But I don’t like it being used as a ploy to get me to like and/or vote for you. Except that they play ‘The World I Know’ in the background while they talk about her recent divorce and I love that song. She’s got one of those jazz voices I don’t like. Also, a scary arm tattoo. Paula loves her and wants to have her babies. Out in the hall, with her golden ticket in hand, Ryan teaches or gets taught about the word “love”. He doesn’t know what it means, though he pretends it‘s Simon that doesn‘t know how to use it.
As we go to commercial, they play my wife’s new video ‘My Life Would Suck Without You‘. As would mine, Kelly. As would mine.
Austin is class president and he‘s auditioning with a Train song. He’s got very prominent canines. I wonder if he’s a vampire living amongst humans like the Cullens. They make him sing another song, which makes no difference to his voice. He’s very Archuleta-like.
A sad song that I want to download plays while people cry. But it’s okay, because they still have their dreams. They still believe they ARE American Idols and it doesn’t even matter if it’s only in their bathrooms.
There’s a guy who’s good. Kara undresses him with her eyes. Then more people are bad and a few more of my brain cells die.
Ryan leaves the building as a really tall girl named Taylor comes in to audition. She laughs a lot, but it’s not annoying and she seems like she might be fun to hang out with. She totally doesn’t look 16 though. She’s good and the judges all say yes. Ryan is back but he’s clearly nervous because she’s so tall and tall people make him feel small.
So if Carrie Underwood - literally, Carrie Underwood, as this girl looks JUST LIKE HER - were to turn into a hippie… she’d be named Rose and she’d audition for this show, looking totally like a hippie would look. She lives with her friends family because her dad died when she was younger. Awww. That’s sad. She shows us old pictures of him/them and then cries about it. She reminds me of Luna Lovegood. Like maybe her dad was a wizard and he died when some experimental spell of his went wrong. And then people hid her shoes. I don’t like talking about dead moms and dads, so let’s just move on. Her brother’s cute though. I love her “adopted” family. When I grow up and have a family, I want to be the kind of family that will take in my kid’s orphaned friend.
She’s very sweet and polite. And still, looks just like Carrie!! It almost creeps me out, but doesn’t. She’s singing that song about feeling the earth move under her feet, which by the way are bare and have tattoos. She’s wearing a colorful beach towel as an outfit, but other than that, the girl is pleasant all around. Four yeses.
Backstage with the judges, Ryan uses the word “stellar”.
Tune in tomorrow when people act stupid, not only in America, but in Puerto Rico as well. I have an English class tomorrow night, so my recap will be late. And by late, I mean, either Friday night or not at all. But dude… what if as an assignment, we have to recap Idol. That would be awesome times ten. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go make a ringtone out of Kelly’s new song.
No comments:
Post a Comment