Idol January 13, 2009 - And we’ll all sing along

Ah, it's that time of year again. The time of year where I have weekly arguments with my mother over whether or not a DVR enables you to fast forward live TV. The time of year where everything else in my life has to be rescheduled so I'm home to watch and recap this stuff every week. The time of year where I almost feel like i'm in prison because of that. The time of year where I forget how this show works and keep thinking that the previous seasons contestants will be on and get all disappointed when I remember it's a new batch of kids. And the time of year when the predictions I made in the fall come true. Such as:

Juleah: In July 2006, DioGuardi was a judge in an "Idol"-like show called "The One: Making a Music Star." The show debuted on ABC with the second-lowest rating ever for a premiere on a major American network and was abruptly canceled after just two weeks

Juleah: maybe idol should have looked into that

Patti: oh no! she's gonna get idol cancelled! she'll be just like cousin oliver on the brady bunch

Juleah: HAHAHAHAHA

Patti: i should save that for when the recaps start

Juleah: seriously

Patti: and for proof when it actually happens

Juleah: hahaha

Juleah: that you said it months before the first broadcast.

Patti: i said it back when the judges and ryan were on rachel ray and everybody was totally ignoring her

Patti: and she had nothing of use to say about anything

Before this season officially starts, I have a confession I need to get off my shoulders... Ya'll remember the great dislike I had for Kristy Lee Cook last season. Now I don't want it going any further than this recap... but she has a song that I play loudly in the car and sing along to and play drums to in my bedroom. Phew. It feels good to get that off my chest. Now... Here's to a good season and let's hope no more contestants/misguided fans are found dead outside Paula Abdul's home.

Opening credits… are weirder than last year.

First thing they show is the best you tube video ever. A gaggle of 10-13 year old girls are standing in front of their TV wearing David Archuleta shirts, wetting their pants as Seacrest takes ten years to announce the winner. When he says “Cook”, the girls collapse into hysterical sobs. They don’t show the best part which is one of the girls crying about she owes somebody at school 50 bucks now cause she bet on the winner and she doesn’t even have 50 bucks. That’ll teach you to bet against Cook!! If she were my kid, I’d disown her. 

Next,  bunch of annoying people tell the camera that they ARE the next American Idol and one of them looks like Angela from Bones. Then people scream like assholes and I get a headache.

Seacrest stands atop a canyon that I fear he might fall into (though I suspect he might sprout wings on his way down) , to welcome us to Phoenix, AZ. All around phoenix, ten thousand people are looking half dead, walking on the sidewalk, hotter than a match head.

Ryan introduces us to this “Kara”, if that’s her real name, and tells us that we probably don’t know who she is. It’s true. And I hate her already. I saw an Idol commercial back in December and she was acting all kinds of Mary Murphy levels of annoying.

First guy has an afro, flood pants, and sings like Michael Jackson. Next. Nothing amusing happens, except that ‘Careless Whisper’ is playing as he complains about being cut and then dances away.

blozor: Isn't Randy Jackson one of Michael Jackson's brothers, or am I just making that up?

Patti: hehe

Patti: you're making that up

blozor: Good.

blozor: I was like, don't butcher a Michael Jackson song in front of his brother.

Girl with mom who was a singer. Yawn. Kara keeps leading things along and it’s annoying.  Who does she think she is?! It’s like Professor Umbridge all over again! So, the girl with mom who was a singer, is covered in tattoos and she’s auditioning behind the back of her band… Yawn. We heard this story the first time when your name was Constantine and you were a dude. I hope you trip and fall off the canyon. But the judges like her, so they let her thru.

If you want to see a 45 year old rocker cry, tune in to Idol now!! He has some pretty blue eyes though. He wants to be something big, but… he’s not that great.  He looks like he’s been in a band, but he never has. And Simon calls him a “Drama queen.” Its painful watching people who have a dream having to reconcile with their hearts that they just aren’t good enough to do what their heart desires.  New Judge - I refuse to user her name - keeps talking and talking and Simon basically tells her to shut up.  Wanna Be Rocker cries on his way outside, clutching the guitar he probably can’t play and he hugs the girl from earlier who looks like Angela from Bones.

Cute Asian boy gets a yes and then cries. Ryan calls him “bro”.  

Laura: I have to change the channel at 9 because I have a prior commitment to watch Scrubs. Also, because I’m worried Ryan might try to call somebody else “bro”. 

Nerdy Boy tries singing, “Starts With Goodbye”. And a good laugh is had by all. And by all, I mean me. His name is Michael and he asks to come back in 5 minutes. They say no, but then they let him sing a song written by New Judge. It’s a lame sounding song and Michael gets nervous and pukey and  leaves the room where he then faints, vomits, and/or morphs into a vampire in the hall. And then he eats a banana. Yeah, I have no idea either.

Something scary happens and I refuse to watch it. Then a guy I would probably date chops up a Celine Dion song. More scary stuff. This is like “House of a 1000 Corpses” in music form. 

I hate people with stupid names, like this 20 year old named X-Ray. He sings and dances like an asshat and everybody but me and Simon laugh. And instead of watching anymore of his nonsense, I stare at the slightly open-mouthed image of David Cook on the wall behind him. 

A cute, decent looking girl named Ariana. She’s nice and sweet and  adorable she performs for old people and curls her hair and probably gets straight A’s and all.  She sings ‘Put Your Records On’. She’s good, but whatever. She sounds like every dark haired girl I’ve ever seen on this show. She’s in though. I’ve always said that girls have no business on this show. Except ya know, Carrie and Kelly. And Ryan. 

Elijah has a very deep voice, is 22 years old, is from Phoenix, and is also 22 years old. Can you imagine if this voice prank called you? I’d even be scared if I knew the guy and he called me. Paula tells him he should be in monster movies. 

Connecticut needs to keep a leash on some of their civilians. Because Leah is annoying and perky and wearing so much pink that straight men everywhere go gay. And gets this… she’s Kara’s biggest fan. Only fan too, but nobody says that. Kara has to touch her cause she’s never had a fan before. I hope she doesn’t kill outside Kara’s house unless she takes her down with her. She’s singing a Cascada song I love, but she sucks it up like a hoover. Leah says she knows some of them are on the fence about her and they’re all like, “No, actually, we’re not.”

I guess I’m gonna call New Judge by her name now.

It’s the girl who looks like Angela from Bones!! Randy calls her Stevie Wonder, but her name is Stevie Wright. She’s singing, “At Last”. And she’s in.

By the way, I want to marry David Boreanaz now. Don’t judge me!

The next guy works on an oil rig and he reminds me of Josh Gracin. Simon calls him the “exact opposite of Ryan Seacrest” which means he’s manly and Ryan is not. But nobody is going to ever contest that fact because it’s true. 

Annoying person, annoying person, another annoying person. 

 

Kelly: SLUT!!!

Patti: simon is a slut?

Kelly: no.  bikini girl

Patti : oh yeah, that tramp

Patti: i refuse to recap it

Patti: on principle

Kelly: out of loyalty to me

Patti: and that too

I’ll just say this, she’s taller than Seacrest, and that’s also true if she took the heels off .

GASP! The bikini girl goes looking for Ryan and puts her lips all over his!! ALL OVER HIS!! But he grimaces so it’s all cool. 

We argue for awhile over how to pronounce New Judge’s name. Is it Kare-a or Kar-a? It’s Kare-a. And nobody cares. So shut up, Ryan. I never tell you to shut up, but I’m telling you now. 

I refuse to recap the audition of someone who calls himself  “Sexual Chocolate”. Refuse. 

Brianna sings ‘Let’s Hear It For The Boy’. Kudos just for the choice of song. But she’s not that good  and then she calls Simon, Simy, as he lets her sing “Killing Me Softly“. Then she kills us all softly. Except for the judges cause they let her through. Except Kara, but her opinion doesn’t really matter anyway.

There’s a lot of moms and grandmas here for support. Or ya know, to beat you if you don’t do good. *cough* Archuleta *cough*

I miss last season. I feel sadness. 

Cody looks kind of like a girl, but he’s cute. He makes horror films and I’d love him… but he’s all of 17. Ryan waits out in the hallway with Cody’s friends and he’s close enough in height that he blends in with them. Then Cody gets through to Hollywood. 

Alex used to sing in his closet, but there was mold in their and he got sick. Then he missed a Spanish test to be here and it probably get a B in his class. Teenagers are stupid. He sings a James Ingram song but only agrees to sing it if Randy sings along. Everyone thought he was good, except for Simon. 

There’s a montage of people singing really bad about how they’re wanted dead or alive. 

Scott Mcintyre has 2 degrees of tunnel vision. Which means he kind of sees things as if through a straw. He graduated college at the age of 19. It’s Doogie Howser! He’s got a hot blind seeing eye guy. I hope this guy goes to Hollywood with him. He’s singing “So It Goes” by Billy Joel. He’s really good. He’s got that weird blind guy scare that unnerves me a little bit. But I think he’s cute. He’s through to Hollywood. 

Mmmm, David Cook.

The end! 

Se ya tomorrow for two more hours of joy and headache! Also, Seacrest trying to high five blind guys.