January 20, 2009 - Insert Title Here

The Brother - “You know what would be funny? If I kicked you in the butt and you fell down the stairs.“

Me - “Fell down the stairs? And broke my neck? And died? And then you'd have to go to my funeral? That'd be funny?”

The Brother - “It'd give me a chance to wear my "I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry" tuxedo t-shirt.”

Just a little tidbit of what goes on inside my house. But that is neither here nor there, because THIS is American Idol. 

Note: Every time I try to hum the Bones theme, I end up doing Idol instead. It’s like my mouth can’t do any other song.

Today we are in San Francisco. Randy doesn’t ask what state we’re in this time. I wish he would, that’s always funny.  

Seacrest walks down a long hallway and into the judging room, looking as studly as he can be. Jeans, hoodie, white t-shirt. Simon tells him to go back out and come back in using his regular voice rather than his voice-over voice. But he leaves and doesn’t come back. But you know who does come back? A girl who looks like Kat Mcphee and Kara had a baby and gave it an annoying laugh. She has an accent, then doesn’t have and accent, then she giggles, and Ryan runs away. Maybe he was afraid she’d try and kiss him. But in those jeans, who could blame her.

She walks into the judges room and gives them a “gift”, which is really just her own press package. Lame. Then she sings and it’s not bad, but it’s obnoxious and my mom says she won’t watch the show anymore if she gets through. Simon infers that she would make a good porn star, but not a singer. So instead of shutting up, she acts the drama queen and makes stupid faces and starts singing really loud. And then instead of sending her stupid ass home… the judges put her through! I would so disown them if I had any rights to them! She tells the camera she’ll win. And then she’ll win again. And again and again. And again. She giggles some more and somewhere in the building, Ryan Seacrest throws himself out the window.

Seacrest says that San Francisco has always been ahead of it’s time… so I guess that means the contestants show up dressed as though they are from the future. After an Asian girl builds a city on rock and roll, a guy in his mid 50’s slightly resembling a monkey and wearing an ugly coat a monkey wouldn’t even wear, sings a song I do not know and don’t care enough to google. Simon refuses to discuss his “Madonna gloves”, they argue over whether or not the “carpet matches the drapes”, and then Simon makes him leave before the pants come off. 

Jesus was forced  to audition buy his cute little children. I still find it weird for contestants to have kids. Simon cuts him off 3 lines into his song and says he’s not gonna make it. Then they bring in Jesus 2 and Jesus 3. Randy puts Jesus 3 through to Hollywood but not his dad. Randy makes him sing again and this time he chooses that Ghost song who’s name I can never remember. The hungry for your touch song that I like to sing into David Cook’s voice mail. Everybody but Simon changes their vote just because Jesus 2 and 3 are so cute. 

I know I say this every season, but I’m saying it again. I remember a time when these auditions lasted for one hour and then we were allowed to get on with our lives. I can’t stand the 6 to 8 hours we get now. I get headaches 20 minutes in. 

Voice-over Ryan says we’re looking for that special someone with that special talent, yet we watch a bunch of morons who aren’t of any use to this show at all. I’d say they weren’t of use to anybody, but the Tylenol company has to be making a killing.

 

Blozor: And I'll be singing it in only one note.

Blozor: The one that makes dogs howl.

And then Ryan plays with a Rubix cube. 

Blozor: Randy just said Paula wants a baby.

Patti: i hope they don't let her have one

Blozor: She'd probably give birth to one that hasn't been conceived yet.

Ryan makes us go back in time to 1967, the summer of love. Or random hippies having sex. But the point is, there isn’t a point. There was no reason to show a clip from the 60s at all or to even mention the hippies. For some reason it segues us into a montage of Kara and Simon fighting. I like it when him and Paula fight. I don’t know how I feel about this Kara stepping into someone else’s territory.

A girl who doesn’t know how to pronounce trachea thinks she has the right to audition for this show. Also, she can’t Simon and Randy apart. She has a stack of papers in her hand that look like the diagram of a singers… singing area. She confuses Ryan with all her technical terms for “throat” and “mouth”. Ryan asks her if it’s possible to over prepare yourself and she totally pulls a Brangelina and ignores him. She’s singing her own song called ‘Make Sweet Love’ and somewhere in the building, Seacrest runs off and hides. The judges make her stop, but she won’t leave. She talks about wanting to meet famous people, Paula’s “very hit song” she had once, and more “real talk” about what a famous producer Randy is and what a great singer Kara. The jury is still out on those last two. She sings again and won’t stop until Kara drags her out by her elbow, which gets her called “Kiera”. 

Some people sing good and get yeses and Antonella Barba’s twin sister auditions and gets through AGAIN. I hope she keeps her shirt on. Cause I saw those naked Antonella pictures and some things you just can’t come back from. 

Adam has been singing since he was ten. And he actually means singing, not like whatever those bad singers mean when they say they‘ve been singing for years. Randy tells him not to be “skurred”, but he’s not. He sings ‘Bohemian Raphsody’ and I fall just a little bit in love. Simon calls him “theatrical”, but Kara cuts Simon off and tells him it doesn’t matter, he can sing. Go Kara!! I mean… I hate you, but kudos. Four yeses. Even Ryan is happy, cause Adam is hot. 

Kyle can only do his music at night because he is taking care of his sick mom - who is Sinead O’Connor, by the way - during the day. That‘s sweet. I want to vote for him just because that‘s sweet. I want to date him. I want to date him and raise a bunch of wonderful babies with him. I suppose we can get married too. I believe the title of the song he’s singing is called ‘Smoke Gets In Your Eyes’. He gets 4 yeses. And 1 more from me for the marriage proposals.

Only 12 people from San Francisco got through to Hollywood. That’s sort of sad. In an “I don’t have high hopes for this season” kind of way.