January 29, 2009 - Two city special

Not much was missed and there’s not much to recap. So I’ll make it quick.

Simon calls someone who quit her job to audition, even though she couldn’t sing her way out of a paper bag, “sensible.” Then Ryan calls her boss using her cell phone and let’s Simon convince her to give the girl her job back. The boss says yes, but I bet when she gets back, they’ve emptied her locker and gave her desk to that guy in the mail room who’s been looking to move up. 

A Puerto Rican from Puerto Rico goes to Hollywood. Also, mad cleavage on a bald, black girl, people falling and breaking cameras, a girl who met Jessica Simpson at an airport, and Tutti Frutti. Oh Rudy.

Ryan dancing with a guy donning 80s rocker hair, Simon refuses to allow someone to audition with an Extreme song, the windows fall on the judges, Puerto Ricans act stupid and sell ice cream, and then a gay guy is “gay all the way“(according to my mother) when he tells Simon he likes it when Ryan touches/grabs/kicks his balls. He’s actually got a voice but he can’t stop acting stupid long enough for Simon to see past the gayness and give him a yes. He’s actually hilarious. Kara, Paula, and I want to marry him now. Randy gives him a “whatever!” and he’s going to Hollywood.

Then some people are good and some people are bad and some people have cute little brothers. I think if you bring along a cute kid to get some attention, we should just forego you and put the kid on the show. This is how Idol would be if I ran the world. 

A crazy girl from last year has come back to spill her new brand of crazy all over New York and it‘s inhabitants. She is called “fairly horrendous” and then she gives them all the finger. Then the tramp holds Ryan Seacrest’ hands. How dare you live my dream, how dare you!!!

Then Ryan is cute out in the holding area, dancing. Then Randy joins in and it’s cute, but I don’t like Randy in that sort of way so it’s only sort of cute. 

 Next week, Hollywood week! My DVR cut off just as Ryan was describing it as the most dramatic season ever. I hope identities get stolen again and people refuse to “do groups“!

January 28, 2009 - The Home of David Archuleta

Tonight we are in Salt Lake City, the home of David Archuleta. People gather on the streets in the dark waiting to audition and I would mock them, except I did it twice during season 4. I wasn’t auditioning because I didn’t feel like embarrassing my mother on those particular days, but my friend Mandy was auditioning and I went along for moral support. And ya know, Seacrest. 

Randy arrives first and doesn’t know where he is, which Ryan blames on the thin mountain air, but which I blame on Randy being Randy. He never knows where he is. I bet when he goes home to his wife, he still asks her what street they live on.

The son of someone who claims to be one of the Osmonds is auditioning. His name is David and though I don’t approve of that name because we‘ve been there and done that (twice), I like him. He and his father both have multiple sclerosis, but David is out of his wheel chair and walking and it’s like a Fedorov story.  This is the kind of back story I like. David is singing a song by the group Take 6, of which I do not know. There are bunch of Osmonds out in the hall and several of them are very cute. I might be moving to Utah. Yes. I think I will. Since the Osmonds breed like cats, I shouldn’t have a problem finding me one. David tricks us into thinking maybe he didn’t get through to Hollywood, but surprise! He did! He was just hiding the golden ticket behind his back!! I’ve never seen that joke done before! Not on this show! How wholesomely original!!

Ryan is wearing a lumberjack shirt. He kind of looks like a lesbian. He steps cautiously towards a rather healthy girl dressed in Goth. He’s shorter than he is and he can’t seem to take his eyes from hers. But one of her eyes keeps darting weirdly to the left, so that’s probably why. She says she’ll be singing a song called ‘One day I’ll Fly Away’ to which Kara responds, “Of course.” I’d tell Kara what thin ice she’s skating on, but this girl is weird and can’t sing anyway, so I’m totally not going to bat for her. Simon says he hopes she’ll fly away soon. The judges are all kinds of mean to her and then when she leaves in a huff, they apologize. She walks past Ryan without stopping when he tries asking her how it went. I hate when people ignore Seacrest. When you ignore him, you also ignore me. Yeah, I'm talking to you Brangelina.

A bunch of girls suck and I refuse to describe them in more detail. Then some guys suck and the same goes for them. 

Chris came to the audition wearing a Simon shirt while his best friend Greg came dressed as a giant, pink bunny. Ya know, for luck. The judges argue over how the Simon on Chris’s shirt can’t actually be Simon because the picture is too good looking. He’s singing ‘Roll To Me’, a song which I love, only he isn’t very good and his stupid bunny friend dancing behind him and annoys everybody. Except Kara, who encourages him to jump around. Chris is cute and for this I wish he was good. But he is not. And they make him and his bunny leave, but first the bunny must molest Simon. Which is kind of hot. Ya know, in a weird fetish porn kind of way. 

Ryan says “have we found the next Amy Winehouse?” to which I reply, “Do we really need more than one?” Seriously, you can take back the original Winehouse and I will never know the difference.

blozor: I wasn't aware we were looking for the next Amy Winehouse. WHY ARE WE LOOKING FOR THE NEXT AMY WINEHOUSE?!? My God... What if we find her?

A bunch of crazy Utahians audition really badly over the sounds of ‘Put On A Happy Face’ for no apparent reason at all. The only bright side is a cute redhead, but he is soon gone.

But then… Seacrest!! He goes out into the holding room and tells everybody not to let the judges tell them no. Oh God. He’s encouraging asshattery. I’ve never hit you Seacrest, but if I ever hit you, it will be over this. Also, maybe that shirt you’re wearing. 

Girl with passion for singing sings and I think she’s the Amy Winehouse Clone Ryan threatened us with earlier. I don’t like jazz music so her audition bores me to the bones.

Oooh, and speaking of.  Bones isn’t on tomorrow night so that Idol can be on again! How dare they! How dare they replace my beloved Bones, even with Idol! Seacrest is responsible for this, I know it! He’s just mad cause of that time I traded him in for David Cook. You know what they say Ry. If you like it, then you should have put a ring on it. You don’t take away Bones!

Anyway, Winehouse Lite is put through.

Megan has a Carly Smithson arm tattoo. Only instead of an unknown face, it’s a castle and a moon. She has a son named Rider. He’s adorable, but I am so over single moms. Not single moms in general. I mean, if you’re raising a kid on your own, more power to ya. But I don’t like it being used as a ploy to get me to like and/or vote for you. Except that they play ‘The World I Know’ in the background while they talk about her recent divorce and I love that song. She’s got one of those jazz voices I don’t like. Also, a scary arm tattoo. Paula loves her and wants to have her babies. Out in the hall, with her golden ticket in hand, Ryan teaches or gets taught about the word “love”. He doesn’t know what it means, though he pretends it‘s Simon that doesn‘t know how to use it.

As we go to commercial, they play my wife’s new video ‘My Life Would Suck Without You‘.  As would mine, Kelly. As would mine.

Austin is class president and he‘s auditioning with a Train song.  He’s got very prominent canines. I wonder if he’s a vampire living amongst humans like the Cullens. They make him sing another song, which makes no difference to his voice. He’s very Archuleta-like. 

A sad song that I want to download plays while people cry. But it’s okay, because they still have their dreams. They still believe they ARE American Idols and it doesn’t even matter if it’s only in their bathrooms.

There’s a guy who’s good. Kara undresses him with her eyes. Then more people are bad and a few more of my brain cells die. 

Ryan leaves the building as a really tall girl named Taylor comes in to audition. She laughs a lot, but it’s not annoying and she seems like she might be fun to hang out with. She totally doesn’t look 16 though. She’s good and the judges all say yes. Ryan is back but he’s clearly nervous because she’s so tall and tall people make him feel small. 

So if Carrie Underwood - literally, Carrie Underwood, as this girl looks JUST LIKE HER - were to turn into a hippie… she’d be named Rose and she’d audition for this show, looking totally like a hippie would look. She lives with her friends family because her dad died when she was younger. Awww. That’s sad. She shows us old pictures of him/them and then cries about it. She reminds me of Luna Lovegood. Like maybe her dad was a wizard and he died when some experimental spell of his went wrong. And then people hid her shoes.  I don’t like talking about dead moms and dads, so let’s just move on. Her brother’s cute though. I love her “adopted” family. When I grow up and have a family, I want to be the kind of family that will take in my kid’s orphaned friend. 

She’s very sweet and polite. And still, looks just like Carrie!! It almost creeps me out, but doesn’t. She’s singing that song about feeling the earth move under her feet, which by the way are bare and have tattoos. She’s wearing a colorful beach towel as an outfit, but other than that, the girl is pleasant all around. Four yeses.

Backstage with the judges, Ryan uses the word “stellar”. 

Tune in tomorrow when people act stupid, not only in America, but in Puerto Rico as well. I have an English class tomorrow night, so my recap will be late. And by late, I mean, either Friday night or not at all.  But dude… what if as an assignment, we have to recap Idol. That would be awesome times ten. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go make a ringtone out of Kelly’s new song. 

January 27, 2009 - Don’t stop believing

David Cook said he heard the contestants were living in a mansion this year rather than the trailer parks or whatever they are they’ve been living in lately. But I think they should live in Hogwarts castle. For reals. How awesome would that be? Simon would be head of Slytherin and Kara would be head of the house that serves no real purpose, except to make the houses an even number. They call it Ravenclaw. Randy and Paula can fight over the other two houses. Or maybe we’ll give those to Ryan and… I don’t know who else. I’m sorry, fantasies like this are the only way I even make it through these auditions sometimes.

And right on cue, Simon convinces Ryan to talk in an English accent in the back of a limo. If that’s not a sign of the fate of our true love, then I don’t know what is!

So you know how Randy’s always talking about how he played with Journey but nobody ever believed him because he never supplied proof? Well, tonight, proof came in the form of a video of Randy circa 1984 with really bad hair. I mean, really bad. It’s like SNL sketch hair. This is all a set up for the auditions tonight in Jacksonville. The place where Florida begins and cop cars escort Idol judges to auditions. 

Our first auditioner is a bag full of douche. He’s white, but talks like he’s black, is singing ’Let’s Get It On’, and compares himself to Justin Guarini. Look, dude. I hated Justin and I hate you. Go away or I’ll strangle you with your stupid necklace. All while I’m singing ‘Let’s Get It On’ to Ryan. The judges all say yes to him because they are stupid. 

A stupid girl brings her dog to the audition and makes it sit on Simon’s lap. And the dog starts singing, “Don’t you remember you told me you loved me baby” while it licks Simon’s face. Meanwhile, her master is given four yeses and then Paula and Kara fake make out. Then the dog runs away cause this is all insane. That girl couldn’t even sing and her dog wasn‘t even all that cute. 

The judges are also sitting backwards tonight, which makes me nervous. Randy and Simon have switched places and I think it’s all a set up so that him and Kara can make out. I will leave the room! I never leave the room, but I will leave the room! Mark my words, Idol!

Ryan’s driving around in a golf cart and accidentally runs off the road. He gets lost in the woods for days and he finds his way home by following a trail of popcorn I left in the woods leading to my bedroom. Don’t worry, it’s all good. I’m harmless. If he hadn’t followed my trail, he would have followed a different trail that would have led him straight into somebody’s oven. I saved his life and that’s real talk, ya’ll. 

You guys remember that episode of Bones where Booth got shot and Bones is all crying and holding his head and yelling, "Booth!! No, Booth! Come on Booth!" and he's looking right in her eyes with this weird expression on his face like he's Snape and she's got Lily's eyes and... and I've been reading way too much Harry Potter. But like I said, sometimes it's the only way to make it through these auditions: talking about something else and somehow making it relate to this show. Except for the Bones thing just now which has nothing to do with Idol, except that scene was from the same episode that Ace Young was on... so, it kind of was Idol related. Score one for me. Anyway, you've got to give me something to work with Idol or this is all you get from me! I can only say so much when you show the same thing over and over again. It’s either a person who can sing, who may or may not have a back story,  who gets through to Hollywood and then screams out in the hall, or it’s a jack-a-nape who can’t sing, who may or may not have a back story, who doesn’t get through to Hollywood and then goes out and screams in the hall. It’s like I’m living ‘Groundhog Day‘, only without Bill Murray around. 

Paula takes a female contestant behind the giant Idol Winner Poster and rapes her. And we hear everything. Then the same girl rapes Randy and then her mom. She got that about-to-rape look in her eye as she spotted Seacrest, but he ran away.

Devin walks in the room and cries before he even starts singing. If he was on the show, it would be like if David Cook, Sundance, and the crying Sanjaya girl had a baby. It doesn’t matter though, cause he can’t sing anyway.

Naomi comes in and wets her pants because her friend out in the hall wants to make out with Randy. Her friend comes in and her and Randy run at each other in slow motion and he hugs her and he yells “At long last!!”. I like when celebrities are awesome like this. Simon makes her sit on Randy’s lap, then Paula sits on Simon’s lap, and then Randy calls Ryan in and makes him sit on Kara’s lap. Kara bounces him and puts her hands all over his man pecs and then Ryan just sits there looking confused. One time when I was a pre-teen/early teen, I went to church and had to sit on my aunt’s lap and her boob was digging into my back the entire time. Ryan kind of has that look on his face. As Kara runs her fingers through his hair, he gets up and runs away. Don’t cross me Digiuardo… whatever the hell your last name is. Don’t cross me. I don’t know who you think you are that you can walk around touching Seacrest like he‘s just some guy up for grabs.

For the second time this season, they accuse an innocent girl of giving a “joke” audition and the girl cries as her heart breaks. 

blozor: Kara had Ryan sit on her lap, and Ryan had this look on his face like "Ryan confused. Where Ryan at? Is this how sex work?"

blozor: Then they told the girl that she sucked, and everyone hugged her except Simon, who looked like "Simon confused. What everyone doing? Is that how sex work?"

Topless underage boys run down the street, and alligator tries to eat Kara but misses, and a girl with a tragic back story and a nice voice auditions and gets through to Hollywood. Ho hum. Then a guy named George acts weird and gives Seacrest a contemptuous look and I am done with him. I refuse to encourage this kind of nonsense anymore. This is a singing competition, not a freak show. Although, if this guy shaved his beard off, I’d probably date him. But then he’d open his mouth to speak and I’d so be done with him. 

The judges are all like “Who, what, where, when?” and Ryan’s all like “See ya around.” and George gets confused because he can’t handle statements that aren’t meant to be taken literally. He’s like, “Yeah, I’ll see you at the physics convention being held at the U of F next Saturday night at 7. Afterwards, we’re going to a poetry meeting at the…. Oh… you meant… okay, bye.” 

Ann Marie calls Kara her “hero” and everyone in the room, including me and my dog, get headaches so sudden and severe that our heads explode all over the room. Simon, the only one with his head still attached, makes Ann Marie leave and come back “as a different person”. Because she auditioned with a Kara song and Simon doesn’t roll with that. 

Michael never leaves home without his guitar. He cries and his panic attack has a panic attack when he’s told he can’t take his guitar into the audition with him. He sings ’Jumper’. His voice isn’t bad, but he’s nervous and shaky. Simon won’t let him sing again. Simon tells Michael to shut up, get a job, and join a band. They make him leave and out in the hall, his heart bleeds out through his eyes. He shoves his mother away with a warning not to touch him and Ryan tells him he shouldn’t talk that way to his mother. I love  a man who loves his mom. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I want to have his babies.

Ann Marie comes back looking exactly the same, only with more make-up on and her hair a little more alive. And maybe she’s wearing a necklace. It’s like that scene in Not Another Teen Movie where Janie’s an ugly girl-geek until she takes her glasses off and let’s her hair down and all of a sudden everyone’s like “Janie Briggs? Is hot.” She sounds exactly as good as she did before, and so she gets a bunch of yeses. 

Tomorrow? Is Salt Lake City. Be prepared for the judges to make a big fuss about David Archuleta being from Utah.



January 20, 2009 - Insert Title Here

The Brother - “You know what would be funny? If I kicked you in the butt and you fell down the stairs.“

Me - “Fell down the stairs? And broke my neck? And died? And then you'd have to go to my funeral? That'd be funny?”

The Brother - “It'd give me a chance to wear my "I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry" tuxedo t-shirt.”

Just a little tidbit of what goes on inside my house. But that is neither here nor there, because THIS is American Idol. 

Note: Every time I try to hum the Bones theme, I end up doing Idol instead. It’s like my mouth can’t do any other song.

Today we are in San Francisco. Randy doesn’t ask what state we’re in this time. I wish he would, that’s always funny.  

Seacrest walks down a long hallway and into the judging room, looking as studly as he can be. Jeans, hoodie, white t-shirt. Simon tells him to go back out and come back in using his regular voice rather than his voice-over voice. But he leaves and doesn’t come back. But you know who does come back? A girl who looks like Kat Mcphee and Kara had a baby and gave it an annoying laugh. She has an accent, then doesn’t have and accent, then she giggles, and Ryan runs away. Maybe he was afraid she’d try and kiss him. But in those jeans, who could blame her.

She walks into the judges room and gives them a “gift”, which is really just her own press package. Lame. Then she sings and it’s not bad, but it’s obnoxious and my mom says she won’t watch the show anymore if she gets through. Simon infers that she would make a good porn star, but not a singer. So instead of shutting up, she acts the drama queen and makes stupid faces and starts singing really loud. And then instead of sending her stupid ass home… the judges put her through! I would so disown them if I had any rights to them! She tells the camera she’ll win. And then she’ll win again. And again and again. And again. She giggles some more and somewhere in the building, Ryan Seacrest throws himself out the window.

Seacrest says that San Francisco has always been ahead of it’s time… so I guess that means the contestants show up dressed as though they are from the future. After an Asian girl builds a city on rock and roll, a guy in his mid 50’s slightly resembling a monkey and wearing an ugly coat a monkey wouldn’t even wear, sings a song I do not know and don’t care enough to google. Simon refuses to discuss his “Madonna gloves”, they argue over whether or not the “carpet matches the drapes”, and then Simon makes him leave before the pants come off. 

Jesus was forced  to audition buy his cute little children. I still find it weird for contestants to have kids. Simon cuts him off 3 lines into his song and says he’s not gonna make it. Then they bring in Jesus 2 and Jesus 3. Randy puts Jesus 3 through to Hollywood but not his dad. Randy makes him sing again and this time he chooses that Ghost song who’s name I can never remember. The hungry for your touch song that I like to sing into David Cook’s voice mail. Everybody but Simon changes their vote just because Jesus 2 and 3 are so cute. 

I know I say this every season, but I’m saying it again. I remember a time when these auditions lasted for one hour and then we were allowed to get on with our lives. I can’t stand the 6 to 8 hours we get now. I get headaches 20 minutes in. 

Voice-over Ryan says we’re looking for that special someone with that special talent, yet we watch a bunch of morons who aren’t of any use to this show at all. I’d say they weren’t of use to anybody, but the Tylenol company has to be making a killing.

 

Blozor: And I'll be singing it in only one note.

Blozor: The one that makes dogs howl.

And then Ryan plays with a Rubix cube. 

Blozor: Randy just said Paula wants a baby.

Patti: i hope they don't let her have one

Blozor: She'd probably give birth to one that hasn't been conceived yet.

Ryan makes us go back in time to 1967, the summer of love. Or random hippies having sex. But the point is, there isn’t a point. There was no reason to show a clip from the 60s at all or to even mention the hippies. For some reason it segues us into a montage of Kara and Simon fighting. I like it when him and Paula fight. I don’t know how I feel about this Kara stepping into someone else’s territory.

A girl who doesn’t know how to pronounce trachea thinks she has the right to audition for this show. Also, she can’t Simon and Randy apart. She has a stack of papers in her hand that look like the diagram of a singers… singing area. She confuses Ryan with all her technical terms for “throat” and “mouth”. Ryan asks her if it’s possible to over prepare yourself and she totally pulls a Brangelina and ignores him. She’s singing her own song called ‘Make Sweet Love’ and somewhere in the building, Seacrest runs off and hides. The judges make her stop, but she won’t leave. She talks about wanting to meet famous people, Paula’s “very hit song” she had once, and more “real talk” about what a famous producer Randy is and what a great singer Kara. The jury is still out on those last two. She sings again and won’t stop until Kara drags her out by her elbow, which gets her called “Kiera”. 

Some people sing good and get yeses and Antonella Barba’s twin sister auditions and gets through AGAIN. I hope she keeps her shirt on. Cause I saw those naked Antonella pictures and some things you just can’t come back from. 

Adam has been singing since he was ten. And he actually means singing, not like whatever those bad singers mean when they say they‘ve been singing for years. Randy tells him not to be “skurred”, but he’s not. He sings ‘Bohemian Raphsody’ and I fall just a little bit in love. Simon calls him “theatrical”, but Kara cuts Simon off and tells him it doesn’t matter, he can sing. Go Kara!! I mean… I hate you, but kudos. Four yeses. Even Ryan is happy, cause Adam is hot. 

Kyle can only do his music at night because he is taking care of his sick mom - who is Sinead O’Connor, by the way - during the day. That‘s sweet. I want to vote for him just because that‘s sweet. I want to date him. I want to date him and raise a bunch of wonderful babies with him. I suppose we can get married too. I believe the title of the song he’s singing is called ‘Smoke Gets In Your Eyes’. He gets 4 yeses. And 1 more from me for the marriage proposals.

Only 12 people from San Francisco got through to Hollywood. That’s sort of sad. In an “I don’t have high hopes for this season” kind of way. 

January 14, 2009 - Kansas City, here I come

Yeah I took a Jackson 5 song and made a lame joke out of it. What are you gonna do about it? I’ll tell you what you’re going to do. Nothing! Because this… is American Idol. Tonight, we’re hitting Kansas City.  From the past! Cause this was taped last summer. I hope they find David Cook again!!

In the stadium, Ryan spins women around and hugs them and I get angry because I went to two different auditions for season 4 and he wasn’t there at either one. There’s a stupid “KC/DC” sign in the audience and I immediately go to the Caldwell/Cook place even though he dumped her ass. Huzzah!!

The judges arrive and somebody asks if they’re in Missouri or Kansas, Jason Castro molests Paula Abdul while his brother waits to audition, and nobody cares that Kara is there. 

Kelly: HAHAHA... and crickets chirp for kara's arrival

Chelsea looks like a typical Carrie Underwood cookie cutter, only she can’t sing. Simon  says she sounds like a cat falling of the Empire State Building. And when they pulled the cats body out of the twisted burning wreck, it looked like THIS… Sorry. I can’t resist a good Pee Wee’s Big Adventure quote. Out in the hall, Chelsea says she feels like crying, but I think it’s more because of Ryan’s ugly shirt than anything else.

Why are they playing an Idol commercial DURING Idol? I feel like I’m in Menards, where are they always play that song overhead trying to convince you to shop at Menards even though you’re ALREADY THERE. I don’t complain though, because it’s the David Cook version and ya’ll know how I love me some Cook.

 

Casey Carlson is singing “A Thousand Miles” and all I can think about is that scene in White Chicks where the one Wayon turns the song on the radio cause he thinks it’ll turn off the black guy but he loves it and starts singing along. The judges all say yes and then the real version of “A Thousand Miles” starts playing and she runs away and everybody in the hall screams. And then Casey screams. But ya know what? I don’t hate her. Hmmm. 

Brian is a large boy with a beard, a V neck tee, cowboy boots, and a hairy chest. It’s like he’s trying to be David Cook. Nobody can be David Cook! David Cook couldn’t even tell you how to be David Cook! He just IS!! Anyway, Brian sings an Aretha song, is horrible, and Simon uses the word horrendous a few times. They try to tell him no, but he starts screaming a Josh Grobin song.  It’s too bad. I would have liked this guy… if he wasn’t himself. If he was somebody else entirely, I just might like him. He tells the camera he won’t cry, which leads us into a montage of people crying and/or screaming overdramatically and I run off to you tube that episode of Family Guy where Stewie auditioned.

Ryan is out on the streets in Kansas City harassing David Cooks parents who just happen to be crossing the street, while his version of “Billy Jean” plays in the background. This is a set up for Ryan to say they all hope they’d find some talent of David Cook’s caliber. Ha! Keep dreaming Seacrest, keep dreaming. 

Somebody sings bad, a fat gay guy sings “Reflection”, another guy sings really bad. Then yet another guy sings about how he used to be blind and then  now he can see. I wonder if Seacrest ever tried to high five him.  A cute boy with a stupid hat sings “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” very loud. Maybe if he wasn’t screaming it, he might actually sound good. It’s hard to tell seeing as how I just lost my hearing due to the high volumes at which he sang. I wonder if Seacrest will try and “Marco Polo” me. The cute boy is named Von. The judges like him and Kara likes his “big instrument.” Now we’ve got to deal with Kara trying to get with young boys too, on top of Paula. And sometimes, me. 

Jason Castro’s brother Michael is auditioning and has the nerve to call Jason “more girly” than him even though he’s sitting there with his baby carrying hips. His interviewing skills are just as bad as Jason’s. Ryan sits in between them as they argue over what “more girly” means. Once they decide it means more emotional and not gay, Ryan gets up and leaves.

Kelly: ryan's like "How am I the one with the most testosterone here???"

Michael’s pretty good considering the fact that he only started singing 20 days ago. He’d make a good lead singer in a punk-country band, but I don‘t think he‘ll make a good Idol. Simon calls him “goodish”, Kara calls him “ballsy“.  They all give him a yes.

Dude, I wanna see Mall Cop.

Ryan predicts that we’re going to get some crappy singers. And we do!! 

Matt is a big, bald man. He got married and had a kid and now he can’t sing so much. It’s  Chris Daughtry! It’s an older, balder version of Chris Daughtry!! I say balder because he has a much bigger head. I like him already cause I like nice family men. He’s singing “Ain’t No Sunshine”. And guess who he sounds like? Chris Daughtry!! Put him through!!

Isn’t it weird how I hate the girls who sound like somebody who already exists yet I love the guys who sound like guys who already exist? Yeah, I’m totally sexist like that. And as they put him through to Hollywood, a Daughtry song starts playing.  But I called it first. 

“Jazz” has pink, blue, and purple and she can’t sing. As she’s singing “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” she opens her mouth so wide that Seacrest might accidentally fall in if he got too close. When she finishes singing, nobody says anything. They all just stare until she picks her hat up off the floor, puts it on her head, and walks out of the room with the rest of her dignity tucked in her back pocket. 

Jessica yells and yells at her Grandma, but it’s only because she can’t hear very well. Not because she’s mean. Well, she might be mean. But we don’t know that. All we know is she takes care of her Grandmother and that is nice. She’s singing “Cry Baby” which is one of my favorite songs ever and I can’t wait to hear somebody sing it on this show. Only not her.  But the judges disagree and she’s going to Hollywood, baby. I keep accidentally typing “abby” instead of baby. Abby something… abby… normal.

People hug each other and fall in love while waiting to auditions. Some people already love each other. Like sisters Asia and India , who kind of look like Mandisa and Paris. Or remind me of them anyway. They joke about being twins and I like them. They’ve decided to forgo singing and instead rap a song for Randy. The judges make them stop rapping and start singing. Asia sucks, but India is good.  Asia is through and India is not. Out in the hall, two of their family members try to hump Ryan and he looks considerably more joyful about it then he did when Bikini Whore kissed him yesterday.

A guy with a weird head and a weird haircut sings very well. They tell him he’s too loud even though at least two people have sang even louder than that already and nobody said a thing then. But he’s through anyway. I hope he brings a scandal to the show. We’re overdue for one. We didn’t have any last year. The closest thing to a scandal was the assumption I made that Brooke White was probably lying about never having seen a Rated R movie. What happened to the good old days of identity stealing and throwing phones at your baby momma? The days of lying about your age and lying about the time you were arrested for beating up your sister? What happened?!!

Danny is a 28 year old music teacher. His best friend is the guy with the weird head and weird haircut. They kept showing him before every commercial break for the past hour and I was making fun of him because I assumed he was crying about that time he had acne and the doctor said there was nothing he could do for him. But you know why he was really crying? Cause his wife died a month ago!! I’m so going to hell now. So I take back all the jokes I hadn’t written about him yet. He’s singing that song about how sound waves travel through the vines of grapes and he heard them! He’s cute. He’s good. Judges call him the best, they all knuckle punch him, and then he goes to Hollywood.

Kelly: he's awesome.

Kelly: but...

Kelly: you have to wonder if the producers didn't write somewhere on the bio sheets, "wife died like yesterday.  be nice!!!"

A bunch of girls are really bad all in a row, which further proves my theory that most women just don’t belong on this show. 

Anoop has a serious unibrow problem. But I don’t doubt that Ryan will take him under his wing and  take care of that. I’m pretty sure Ryan has a standing waxing appointment at least once a month. He’ll bring Anoop along. Cause Anoop’s going to Hollywood. 

A collection of people suck of “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” (or “signed, seed, the limit” if you‘re certain people who think learning the lyrics to a song don‘t apply to you). Someday I’m gonna jump out of a box on Ryan’s doorstep singing this song. And I’ll sound just as bad as these people. But my voice will be filled with love and that’s the difference. THAT’S the difference. 

Ryan bull craps us about how since it’s season 8, gimmicks aren’t going to work anymore. Yet… here we are, watching a montage of gimmicks. And let us not forget the bikini girl from yesterday. 

Speaking of gimmicks… Andrew has brought two cheerleaders to cheer him on. I hate cheerleaders. But they didn’t bother to learn the new judge’s name and… I sort of respect that. They’re funny anyway. So Andrew skips in and is totally gay and is singing “My Girl” and he’s really good. Simon doesn’t think so and neither does anybody else. Now I’m sad. But oh well. The cheerleaders cry out in the hall and then Ryan leads them in a spirit cheer. 

Then a band director is awesome. He sings “The Way You Make Me Feel”. Simon likes him but doesn’t understand the song choice. Everybody says yes and everybody in the hall screams and Ryan gets all limp wristed and  cheers along with Band Directors cute little girl. Ryan with kids makes my ovaries hurt.  I want to have his babies. And I really mean that. Not like when I say I want to have David Cook’s babies and what I really mean is that I want to make wild love to him and if I happen to get pregnant, then so be it. 

Michael is 20 years old and has a special Olympics medal that someone convinced him was for “best vocalizing in music class” back in grade school. He calls himself a star that has been undiscovered.  His mother doesn’t support him… and for good reason. He’s singing an original song that is really bad.  Vocally, I mean. Maybe even lyrically, but I’m not really listening. It’s a sweet song and he says he wrote it for his mother. Simon wants to hear the one he wrote for his Grandmother. Which he does and it’s just as bad. Vocally. I’m not judging lyrics tonight. They laugh at him that it’s the same song. Mean judges!! They send him and his special Olympics medal out into the hall where he cries and refuses to make eye contact with the camera. I hope someday Constantine will learn from this. And learn from it well. 

Ryan does a black people handshake with someone in the hall. Someone who had a dream about Simon last night. Not a dirty dream he says, but I think he’s lying. I want to have a dirty Seacrest song. Anyway, he’s singing a Chris Brown song and… wait, is this Chris Brown? Chris Brown can’t really sing, so singing one of his songs probably isn’t the best choice for an audition. His voice when he speaks kind of sounds like… any black girl from any season of this show. He begs to be let through because he has no dignity.  But they let him through anyway, because of think of the things they could do to him in the Hollywod rounds. Ya know, with the lack of dignity and all. Ryan does fancy black people handshakes with him again in the hall. I hope he sticks around just for that. 

I’m so sick of hearing about Bikini Girl! She’s ruining our lives and eating all of our steak! Go HOME!!

Blozor: I don't think you'll hear about her long.

Blozor: She'll be in the back of a Penthouse, or on her back in a Penthouse, in less than six months.

Simon makes fun of a Paula fan, some people sing really bad, other people are going to Hollywood, and someone falls asleep in the holding room. Then she auditions really badly and they send her away. She goes on a rant about how the judges are cutting EVERYBODY and God will punish them because she is a singer! She calls herself a singer kinda like how I sometimes refer to slot machines as videos games and get myself stabbed by video gamers. 

 

Lil Rounds has an awesome name and an awesome voice. But she’s really just another black girl with a great voice. Tamyra, Trenyce, Fantasia. They’re all the same. She’ll make it into the top ten though. And I won’t hate her.  Neither will the judges. They all say yes.  She’s so happy out in the hall and happy people make Seacrest happy and a happy Seacrest makes a happy Patti.

Idol January 13, 2009 - And we’ll all sing along

Ah, it's that time of year again. The time of year where I have weekly arguments with my mother over whether or not a DVR enables you to fast forward live TV. The time of year where everything else in my life has to be rescheduled so I'm home to watch and recap this stuff every week. The time of year where I almost feel like i'm in prison because of that. The time of year where I forget how this show works and keep thinking that the previous seasons contestants will be on and get all disappointed when I remember it's a new batch of kids. And the time of year when the predictions I made in the fall come true. Such as:

Juleah: In July 2006, DioGuardi was a judge in an "Idol"-like show called "The One: Making a Music Star." The show debuted on ABC with the second-lowest rating ever for a premiere on a major American network and was abruptly canceled after just two weeks

Juleah: maybe idol should have looked into that

Patti: oh no! she's gonna get idol cancelled! she'll be just like cousin oliver on the brady bunch

Juleah: HAHAHAHAHA

Patti: i should save that for when the recaps start

Juleah: seriously

Patti: and for proof when it actually happens

Juleah: hahaha

Juleah: that you said it months before the first broadcast.

Patti: i said it back when the judges and ryan were on rachel ray and everybody was totally ignoring her

Patti: and she had nothing of use to say about anything

Before this season officially starts, I have a confession I need to get off my shoulders... Ya'll remember the great dislike I had for Kristy Lee Cook last season. Now I don't want it going any further than this recap... but she has a song that I play loudly in the car and sing along to and play drums to in my bedroom. Phew. It feels good to get that off my chest. Now... Here's to a good season and let's hope no more contestants/misguided fans are found dead outside Paula Abdul's home.

Opening credits… are weirder than last year.

First thing they show is the best you tube video ever. A gaggle of 10-13 year old girls are standing in front of their TV wearing David Archuleta shirts, wetting their pants as Seacrest takes ten years to announce the winner. When he says “Cook”, the girls collapse into hysterical sobs. They don’t show the best part which is one of the girls crying about she owes somebody at school 50 bucks now cause she bet on the winner and she doesn’t even have 50 bucks. That’ll teach you to bet against Cook!! If she were my kid, I’d disown her. 

Next,  bunch of annoying people tell the camera that they ARE the next American Idol and one of them looks like Angela from Bones. Then people scream like assholes and I get a headache.

Seacrest stands atop a canyon that I fear he might fall into (though I suspect he might sprout wings on his way down) , to welcome us to Phoenix, AZ. All around phoenix, ten thousand people are looking half dead, walking on the sidewalk, hotter than a match head.

Ryan introduces us to this “Kara”, if that’s her real name, and tells us that we probably don’t know who she is. It’s true. And I hate her already. I saw an Idol commercial back in December and she was acting all kinds of Mary Murphy levels of annoying.

First guy has an afro, flood pants, and sings like Michael Jackson. Next. Nothing amusing happens, except that ‘Careless Whisper’ is playing as he complains about being cut and then dances away.

blozor: Isn't Randy Jackson one of Michael Jackson's brothers, or am I just making that up?

Patti: hehe

Patti: you're making that up

blozor: Good.

blozor: I was like, don't butcher a Michael Jackson song in front of his brother.

Girl with mom who was a singer. Yawn. Kara keeps leading things along and it’s annoying.  Who does she think she is?! It’s like Professor Umbridge all over again! So, the girl with mom who was a singer, is covered in tattoos and she’s auditioning behind the back of her band… Yawn. We heard this story the first time when your name was Constantine and you were a dude. I hope you trip and fall off the canyon. But the judges like her, so they let her thru.

If you want to see a 45 year old rocker cry, tune in to Idol now!! He has some pretty blue eyes though. He wants to be something big, but… he’s not that great.  He looks like he’s been in a band, but he never has. And Simon calls him a “Drama queen.” Its painful watching people who have a dream having to reconcile with their hearts that they just aren’t good enough to do what their heart desires.  New Judge - I refuse to user her name - keeps talking and talking and Simon basically tells her to shut up.  Wanna Be Rocker cries on his way outside, clutching the guitar he probably can’t play and he hugs the girl from earlier who looks like Angela from Bones.

Cute Asian boy gets a yes and then cries. Ryan calls him “bro”.  

Laura: I have to change the channel at 9 because I have a prior commitment to watch Scrubs. Also, because I’m worried Ryan might try to call somebody else “bro”. 

Nerdy Boy tries singing, “Starts With Goodbye”. And a good laugh is had by all. And by all, I mean me. His name is Michael and he asks to come back in 5 minutes. They say no, but then they let him sing a song written by New Judge. It’s a lame sounding song and Michael gets nervous and pukey and  leaves the room where he then faints, vomits, and/or morphs into a vampire in the hall. And then he eats a banana. Yeah, I have no idea either.

Something scary happens and I refuse to watch it. Then a guy I would probably date chops up a Celine Dion song. More scary stuff. This is like “House of a 1000 Corpses” in music form. 

I hate people with stupid names, like this 20 year old named X-Ray. He sings and dances like an asshat and everybody but me and Simon laugh. And instead of watching anymore of his nonsense, I stare at the slightly open-mouthed image of David Cook on the wall behind him. 

A cute, decent looking girl named Ariana. She’s nice and sweet and  adorable she performs for old people and curls her hair and probably gets straight A’s and all.  She sings ‘Put Your Records On’. She’s good, but whatever. She sounds like every dark haired girl I’ve ever seen on this show. She’s in though. I’ve always said that girls have no business on this show. Except ya know, Carrie and Kelly. And Ryan. 

Elijah has a very deep voice, is 22 years old, is from Phoenix, and is also 22 years old. Can you imagine if this voice prank called you? I’d even be scared if I knew the guy and he called me. Paula tells him he should be in monster movies. 

Connecticut needs to keep a leash on some of their civilians. Because Leah is annoying and perky and wearing so much pink that straight men everywhere go gay. And gets this… she’s Kara’s biggest fan. Only fan too, but nobody says that. Kara has to touch her cause she’s never had a fan before. I hope she doesn’t kill outside Kara’s house unless she takes her down with her. She’s singing a Cascada song I love, but she sucks it up like a hoover. Leah says she knows some of them are on the fence about her and they’re all like, “No, actually, we’re not.”

I guess I’m gonna call New Judge by her name now.

It’s the girl who looks like Angela from Bones!! Randy calls her Stevie Wonder, but her name is Stevie Wright. She’s singing, “At Last”. And she’s in.

By the way, I want to marry David Boreanaz now. Don’t judge me!

The next guy works on an oil rig and he reminds me of Josh Gracin. Simon calls him the “exact opposite of Ryan Seacrest” which means he’s manly and Ryan is not. But nobody is going to ever contest that fact because it’s true. 

Annoying person, annoying person, another annoying person. 

 

Kelly: SLUT!!!

Patti: simon is a slut?

Kelly: no.  bikini girl

Patti : oh yeah, that tramp

Patti: i refuse to recap it

Patti: on principle

Kelly: out of loyalty to me

Patti: and that too

I’ll just say this, she’s taller than Seacrest, and that’s also true if she took the heels off .

GASP! The bikini girl goes looking for Ryan and puts her lips all over his!! ALL OVER HIS!! But he grimaces so it’s all cool. 

We argue for awhile over how to pronounce New Judge’s name. Is it Kare-a or Kar-a? It’s Kare-a. And nobody cares. So shut up, Ryan. I never tell you to shut up, but I’m telling you now. 

I refuse to recap the audition of someone who calls himself  “Sexual Chocolate”. Refuse. 

Brianna sings ‘Let’s Hear It For The Boy’. Kudos just for the choice of song. But she’s not that good  and then she calls Simon, Simy, as he lets her sing “Killing Me Softly“. Then she kills us all softly. Except for the judges cause they let her through. Except Kara, but her opinion doesn’t really matter anyway.

There’s a lot of moms and grandmas here for support. Or ya know, to beat you if you don’t do good. *cough* Archuleta *cough*

I miss last season. I feel sadness. 

Cody looks kind of like a girl, but he’s cute. He makes horror films and I’d love him… but he’s all of 17. Ryan waits out in the hallway with Cody’s friends and he’s close enough in height that he blends in with them. Then Cody gets through to Hollywood. 

Alex used to sing in his closet, but there was mold in their and he got sick. Then he missed a Spanish test to be here and it probably get a B in his class. Teenagers are stupid. He sings a James Ingram song but only agrees to sing it if Randy sings along. Everyone thought he was good, except for Simon. 

There’s a montage of people singing really bad about how they’re wanted dead or alive. 

Scott Mcintyre has 2 degrees of tunnel vision. Which means he kind of sees things as if through a straw. He graduated college at the age of 19. It’s Doogie Howser! He’s got a hot blind seeing eye guy. I hope this guy goes to Hollywood with him. He’s singing “So It Goes” by Billy Joel. He’s really good. He’s got that weird blind guy scare that unnerves me a little bit. But I think he’s cute. He’s through to Hollywood. 

Mmmm, David Cook.

The end! 

Se ya tomorrow for two more hours of joy and headache! Also, Seacrest trying to high five blind guys.