January 27, 2009 - Don’t stop believing

David Cook said he heard the contestants were living in a mansion this year rather than the trailer parks or whatever they are they’ve been living in lately. But I think they should live in Hogwarts castle. For reals. How awesome would that be? Simon would be head of Slytherin and Kara would be head of the house that serves no real purpose, except to make the houses an even number. They call it Ravenclaw. Randy and Paula can fight over the other two houses. Or maybe we’ll give those to Ryan and… I don’t know who else. I’m sorry, fantasies like this are the only way I even make it through these auditions sometimes.

And right on cue, Simon convinces Ryan to talk in an English accent in the back of a limo. If that’s not a sign of the fate of our true love, then I don’t know what is!

So you know how Randy’s always talking about how he played with Journey but nobody ever believed him because he never supplied proof? Well, tonight, proof came in the form of a video of Randy circa 1984 with really bad hair. I mean, really bad. It’s like SNL sketch hair. This is all a set up for the auditions tonight in Jacksonville. The place where Florida begins and cop cars escort Idol judges to auditions. 

Our first auditioner is a bag full of douche. He’s white, but talks like he’s black, is singing ’Let’s Get It On’, and compares himself to Justin Guarini. Look, dude. I hated Justin and I hate you. Go away or I’ll strangle you with your stupid necklace. All while I’m singing ‘Let’s Get It On’ to Ryan. The judges all say yes to him because they are stupid. 

A stupid girl brings her dog to the audition and makes it sit on Simon’s lap. And the dog starts singing, “Don’t you remember you told me you loved me baby” while it licks Simon’s face. Meanwhile, her master is given four yeses and then Paula and Kara fake make out. Then the dog runs away cause this is all insane. That girl couldn’t even sing and her dog wasn‘t even all that cute. 

The judges are also sitting backwards tonight, which makes me nervous. Randy and Simon have switched places and I think it’s all a set up so that him and Kara can make out. I will leave the room! I never leave the room, but I will leave the room! Mark my words, Idol!

Ryan’s driving around in a golf cart and accidentally runs off the road. He gets lost in the woods for days and he finds his way home by following a trail of popcorn I left in the woods leading to my bedroom. Don’t worry, it’s all good. I’m harmless. If he hadn’t followed my trail, he would have followed a different trail that would have led him straight into somebody’s oven. I saved his life and that’s real talk, ya’ll. 

You guys remember that episode of Bones where Booth got shot and Bones is all crying and holding his head and yelling, "Booth!! No, Booth! Come on Booth!" and he's looking right in her eyes with this weird expression on his face like he's Snape and she's got Lily's eyes and... and I've been reading way too much Harry Potter. But like I said, sometimes it's the only way to make it through these auditions: talking about something else and somehow making it relate to this show. Except for the Bones thing just now which has nothing to do with Idol, except that scene was from the same episode that Ace Young was on... so, it kind of was Idol related. Score one for me. Anyway, you've got to give me something to work with Idol or this is all you get from me! I can only say so much when you show the same thing over and over again. It’s either a person who can sing, who may or may not have a back story,  who gets through to Hollywood and then screams out in the hall, or it’s a jack-a-nape who can’t sing, who may or may not have a back story, who doesn’t get through to Hollywood and then goes out and screams in the hall. It’s like I’m living ‘Groundhog Day‘, only without Bill Murray around. 

Paula takes a female contestant behind the giant Idol Winner Poster and rapes her. And we hear everything. Then the same girl rapes Randy and then her mom. She got that about-to-rape look in her eye as she spotted Seacrest, but he ran away.

Devin walks in the room and cries before he even starts singing. If he was on the show, it would be like if David Cook, Sundance, and the crying Sanjaya girl had a baby. It doesn’t matter though, cause he can’t sing anyway.

Naomi comes in and wets her pants because her friend out in the hall wants to make out with Randy. Her friend comes in and her and Randy run at each other in slow motion and he hugs her and he yells “At long last!!”. I like when celebrities are awesome like this. Simon makes her sit on Randy’s lap, then Paula sits on Simon’s lap, and then Randy calls Ryan in and makes him sit on Kara’s lap. Kara bounces him and puts her hands all over his man pecs and then Ryan just sits there looking confused. One time when I was a pre-teen/early teen, I went to church and had to sit on my aunt’s lap and her boob was digging into my back the entire time. Ryan kind of has that look on his face. As Kara runs her fingers through his hair, he gets up and runs away. Don’t cross me Digiuardo… whatever the hell your last name is. Don’t cross me. I don’t know who you think you are that you can walk around touching Seacrest like he‘s just some guy up for grabs.

For the second time this season, they accuse an innocent girl of giving a “joke” audition and the girl cries as her heart breaks. 

blozor: Kara had Ryan sit on her lap, and Ryan had this look on his face like "Ryan confused. Where Ryan at? Is this how sex work?"

blozor: Then they told the girl that she sucked, and everyone hugged her except Simon, who looked like "Simon confused. What everyone doing? Is that how sex work?"

Topless underage boys run down the street, and alligator tries to eat Kara but misses, and a girl with a tragic back story and a nice voice auditions and gets through to Hollywood. Ho hum. Then a guy named George acts weird and gives Seacrest a contemptuous look and I am done with him. I refuse to encourage this kind of nonsense anymore. This is a singing competition, not a freak show. Although, if this guy shaved his beard off, I’d probably date him. But then he’d open his mouth to speak and I’d so be done with him. 

The judges are all like “Who, what, where, when?” and Ryan’s all like “See ya around.” and George gets confused because he can’t handle statements that aren’t meant to be taken literally. He’s like, “Yeah, I’ll see you at the physics convention being held at the U of F next Saturday night at 7. Afterwards, we’re going to a poetry meeting at the…. Oh… you meant… okay, bye.” 

Ann Marie calls Kara her “hero” and everyone in the room, including me and my dog, get headaches so sudden and severe that our heads explode all over the room. Simon, the only one with his head still attached, makes Ann Marie leave and come back “as a different person”. Because she auditioned with a Kara song and Simon doesn’t roll with that. 

Michael never leaves home without his guitar. He cries and his panic attack has a panic attack when he’s told he can’t take his guitar into the audition with him. He sings ’Jumper’. His voice isn’t bad, but he’s nervous and shaky. Simon won’t let him sing again. Simon tells Michael to shut up, get a job, and join a band. They make him leave and out in the hall, his heart bleeds out through his eyes. He shoves his mother away with a warning not to touch him and Ryan tells him he shouldn’t talk that way to his mother. I love  a man who loves his mom. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I want to have his babies.

Ann Marie comes back looking exactly the same, only with more make-up on and her hair a little more alive. And maybe she’s wearing a necklace. It’s like that scene in Not Another Teen Movie where Janie’s an ugly girl-geek until she takes her glasses off and let’s her hair down and all of a sudden everyone’s like “Janie Briggs? Is hot.” She sounds exactly as good as she did before, and so she gets a bunch of yeses. 

Tomorrow? Is Salt Lake City. Be prepared for the judges to make a big fuss about David Archuleta being from Utah.