March 31, 2009 - Don’t Speak

I realized today that if No Doubt were fronted by Avril Lavigne rather than Gwen Stefani, you’d get Katy Perry. Look into. You’ll see I’m right. 

THIS is American Idol!

Ryan is wearing a tie clip again because he said on his Twitter the other day that he is “bringing tie clips back”. The contestants are lined up stupidly on the stage and I refuse to discuss it. I also refuse to discuss the judges intro because it’s stupid. Except Randy and Kara are holding hands as are Simon and Paula. Ryan comes down solo, holding the hands of no one. But I’d hold them if he asked. 

Randy calls Ryan “dude” and says the competition is getting tougher, but really, it’s not. Adam is going to be in the finale, no doubt about it and the judges save was enacted just to ensure that DannyGokey never leaves, ever. Simon calls Ryan amazing.  

The theme is top 100 downloaded songs on iTunes this week. We see montage footage of Ryan recording one of his awesome radio shows that I never actually listen to because a fan only has so much time in the day and Ryan makes me exceed that limit. My love has bounds, ya know. The Idols are in the studio with him, talking about excited they are to be picking more current songs. Then they leave and it’s back to the present.

Anoop is first singing some song by Usher. I tried googling it, but he’s mumbling the words like he doesn’t even know them and is trying to fool us like when David Cook sang ‘Hungry Like The Wolf’ last year. The stage lights are green and… it just sucks. It all sucks. He’s got four or five obnoxious friends in the audience yelling and acting like their names are Danny. Randy didn’t like it, but he uses a lot of words to get to that. Kara is doing the massive cleavage thing that always makes me nervous and she thinks the performance looked like some frat boys - ha! Obnoxious friends in the audience - dared him to sing it. Paula wants him to be good next time. And Simon thought the whole thing was horrid and it gave him a headache. Agreed, Simon. Agreed. Anoop mutters that he’s trying to define himself as an artist by singing one of the most popular artists around. First of all, that was like 4 years ago. Second of all, you’re not defining anything. So just stand there and look nice, stop talking. Get off the stage before Seacrest smacks you.

Patti: seacrest needs to start smacking people

Shrewlaura: That should be his job. Smack the uppity contestants. He'd need a step stool or something though.

Patti: or a long stick

Shrewlaura: That'd be funny. He could walk around smacking his palm with it in a menacing way.

Megan is singing something about giving some love. But not just any love. But good, good love. Also, she’s wearing like 18 necklaces and she still has the same tattoo. She’s doing that same stupid vibrato that made me hate Carmen Rasmussen.

Patti: why is everybody cheering?!!

Patti: is it cause she stopped?

Shrewlaura: I cheered when she stopped.

Kara says she’s in trouble and the audience boos like it isn’t true. She calls her voice “irritating” and the audience boos some more like it still isn’t true. Paula’s wearing a dress where the top stops just below her nipples and she had to yank it up and hold it with her armpits closed tight to keep from flashing everyone. Simon tells her that everything they liked about her is disappearing, like she’s Michael J. Fox and his siblings in that photograph in Back To The Future. I don’t like her, but the judges just keep ripping her a new one and I feel bad. Stop!! And Megan, stop thinking you have fans. 

On the way to commercial break, Danny and Allison fake-fight over a microphone.  What kind of a grown man fights with a child over a microphone? 

Ryan and DannyGokey are sitting on the stools discussing his song choice of ‘What Hurts The Most’ and Ryan gives him the opportunity to make excuses for sucking last week.

Me - “No! I love this song!”

The Brother - “Ha! He sings all the songs you love!”

Me - “I hate him so much!”

I won’t call it horrible, and it’s certainly emotional, but obviously Danny hit his plateau during group night in Hollywood. Remember that? That was awesome. He’s failed to be any kind of awesome since then. What hurts the most tonight are my ears. There’s a sign in the audience that says “Chicago loves Danny” which makes me want to move. Paula swoons all over his performance. Simon calls it his best performance. Agreed, I guess. But it’s been a long way since that group night in Hollywood. Simon freaks out about how much better he was than the two before him, but they sucked ass, so that’s not really saying anything.  Kara says that he moved everybody in the audience tonight. Maybe their bowels. 

Allison is singing ’Don’t Speak’ which is so weird since I mentioned No Doubt at the beginning of this recap. Her hair is what I call “Kimberly Caldwell hair”. But Allison is young, she doesn’t know any better. She’s wearing a dress that looks like a giant harmonica though, and that she has to take the blame for. Also, this is awesome, and she’s playing guitar. Or banjo. Something with strings. 

Shrewlaura: Did Allison cut that directly off Caldwell's head and that's why it's red now?

Patti: i think so

Patti: have you seen that movie where caldwell was cut in half?

Pattii: that was awesome

Randy’s all “check it out check it out yo”. He says she rushed it a bit, but vocally it was good. Then they laugh at her ridiculous outfit for a little bit which is always fun. Kara calls it “good, but not her best”. Paula stumbles over some big words which eventually leads to saying she thinks Allison could possibly win. Then they laugh at her outfit some more. Simon though it was precocious and shouty, so everybody boos. Then when they go to commercial, I laugh at her outfit some more. 

Scott is singing ‘Just The Way You Are’ by Billy Joel.

Me - “You’re boring Scott…. GASP!! *hand over mouth* How dare I!! He’s blind!!”

The Brother - “HAHAHAHAHA! You should have seen your face! It was priceless!”

He sounds as lovely as he always does, maybe even better.  And somebody finally either brushed his hair or taught him how to use a comb. 

Blozor636: He looks like Billy Joel's mom had a kid with George Michael's dad, and they gave him Kirk Cameron's haircut.

Kara fawns over him, Paula is very much proud of him and not because of his “challenge”. Simon loved it and calls Paula “madame” and  says he’s glad Scott didn’t listen to her when she said to lose the piano and then she insists that she never told him to lose the piano. Randy starts yelling “One of the best of the night!!“ over and over again because nobody is listening even though it’s true.

Matt and his undying forehead pimple are on the stools with Ryan talking about song choices. Tonight, he has chosen ‘You Found Me’ which is not a bad song, but it’s sort of a boring song. Matt calls it “powerful” though.  He’s playing a keyboard that is surrounded by girls. Matt actually makes this a lot less boring than The Fray does. I liked it, but Paula doesn’t. She calls it a “sound-a-like” and compares it to that horrid Coldplay song he did a few weeks back. The sheep boo. Simon didn’t “get it at all”. He thinks Matt is conforming himself to sound like other people in hopes of staying in the competition. I want to make out with Matt to turn his frown upside down. Randy and Simon shout out “Apologize” a million times because it would have been a better  song choice and I’ve been saying that all along. That or Mad by Ne-yo would have been my choice

Here’s the thing about Matt though. He uses that line that he “wants to prove he can sing more than one song style”. How about you do what, like David Cook for example did? You sing what you would sing if you had the chance to put out an album. Not “I’ll sing whatever you put in my mouth.” because that doesn’t make you an individual artist. It makes you a pawn. I take back what I said about wanting to make out.

I forgot Lil existed again!! She’s singing ‘I Surrender’. Kelly Clarkson sang this so much better. A-Fed sang it too. I wouldn’t call his performance better vocally… but I found it more entertaining than Kelly’s which is saying a lot for me. I liked both better than this is what I‘m getting at. The judges liked it but didn’t like it. I think we should make it all go away. Just set Lil free. 

Ryan torments Lil’s cute little daughters in the audience but they have nothing to say to him. Ryan offers them to go punch Randy for being mean to mom. The older ones refuses, but the younger accepts. But a punch somehow turns into a hug. 

Back from commercial break, Ryan is sitting in Randy’s lap and hugging him. HA!! 

Adam is singing ‘Play That Funky Music’. He’s still got that scary Elvis hair, but I like the performance. It makes me want to get up and play some funky music and I’m not even a white boy!  

Paula says, “True genius does not fulfill expectations. True genius shatters it.” Then she compares him to Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler. The judges all love him basically. Adam throws props to the band which is so David Cook that it’s awesome. 

Kris is awesome. Kris is so much better than Danny.  I don’t know how people can even fuss over DannyGokey when Kris Allen is here singing ‘Ain’t No Sunshine’ behind his gorgeous piano, wearing his gorgeous jeans. Randy uses the words “slay” and “in the zone” and “loving you!”. Kara says “That.Is.Artistry.” The rest of the judges love him too.

You know what the finale should be? Kris verses Allison. Or either one versus Adam. Nobody this season is a Kelly or a Clay or a Carrie or a David, so it‘s just sort of like we‘re going through the motions. But that would probably be one of the better finales we could get.

I’m as shocked as all of you are that the show actually came in 4 minutes under today instead of running over like it always does.

Bottom three tomorrow? Anoop, Megan, and Matt. Who goes home tomorrow? Megan. 

March 26, 2009 - Home, Sweet, Home

I thought Idol was on at 8 tonight, so I almost missed it. I almost missed Arm Tattoo or Sarver getting sent home, cause you know it’s going to be one of them since they both think they’re in some summer camp talent show rather than on an actual singing show that is their one chance to make it big. But what do I know? I’m just a viewer. I can’t even sing. 

The show starts with some stupid montage of last night’s episode set to some dramatic musical score, ending with close ups of the Idols faces in quick succession which is actually a very scary thing. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. And then Seacrest walks down the stairs without falling and it’s like I’m awake now. 

Ryan promises us a very busy night. Ruben Studdard is here, Stevie Wonder, Smokey Robinson, and some person named Joss Stone. Where are we going to get all this extra time from? That must mean no filler. Then everybody cheers for all those judges we know so well.  Then Ryan reminds us of the Judges Save, as if they’d actually be using tonight. 

Remember how sweet it was to be loved by Kris? Remember when Megan sang a song I could have farted better? Remember when we looked closer and saw the tracks of Adam's tears? Remember gettin' it on? Remember when Anoop finally showed us that he can actually sing and that maybe, just maybe he was worthy of a 13th place after all? Remember Randy's bright ugly sweater and how he said "mad crazy" half a dozen times? Remember how the Idols went to Detroit and Smokey Robinson was there and then they came back to LA and Smokey Robinson was there again?  Remember when Scott’s mom told him he can’t hurry love? But all he has to do is come to my house. Remember when Allison was ten times better than the rest of the girls and half of the guys?

Medley. “Set me free why don’t you babe” sings the ladies. Or rather, lip sync… that is so lame. Who the hell said it was okay to lip sync on a live show?! God, this annoys the hell out of me. If they can’t sing live as a group, kick their asses off the show and get somebody who can. I want to vomit on all lip syncers.  Anyway, then Matt and Scott come out and sing ‘You’re All I Need To Get By’. Kris is wearing a dress shirt that is lovely and see thru, then a river isn’t wide enough to keep us from Adam and Danny and I suppose whoever else I haven‘t mentioned by name in this paragraph yet. . 

The Ford music video this week is set to that annoying “Pocketful Of Sunshine” song. The Idols are laying out pieces of images that they’ve pulled out of the trunk of a Ford. Once completed like a puzzle, it’s a road going through a field and then they drive along it like this is a scene from Mary Poppins. I hope they meet up with some chimney sweeps!!

When introducing Ruben, Ryan has to over-annunciate the word “winner” because everybody forgot that even happened since the whole Clay thing overshadowed it. By the time he reaches the first chorus, Ruben is sweating so much it looks like someone set off the fire alarm sprinklers on his head.  

blozor636: This beat Clay?

Ryan asks Lil what it was like taking a plane to Detroit. Scott yawned on the plane, and Matt was so excited to be in Michigan. 

Adam is safe.

Remember that episode of Family Guy when Chris had a pimple and it was making him do bad stuff and then it pulled out a gun on him when he tried to get rid of it? Yeah, Matt has one of those in the middle of his forehead. And then… he’s in the bottom three. What? This ain’t right.  Kris is beautiful and safe. But first Ryan makes him think he’s in the bottom three, and Kris starts shouting “Every week!!” Ha! Ryan is funny. Tricking the same people every week. I love him.  He tricks Lil the same way, but it’s not funny. It’s only annoying. And then Sarver is in the bottom three. 

Oh my God, David Cook in a commercial!! He’ll be performing on the show next week. It’ll be good times for me. I can’t wait.

If the judges and Ryan had a slumber party? It’d be exactly what we see when we come back from commercial break where they are all huddled together doing weird things and giggling about something we missed.

Who the hell is Joss Stone? I don’t like this. Make it stop. Even Smokey Robinson can’t save this. 

The Brother - “It sounds like two girls singing.”

Then he farted and I was like, “Is that what you think of this song?”. He says yes. 

Allison is safe, though she is too busy talking to hear Ryan when he firsts says it. Anoop is safe. We already know what the deal with DannyGokey is, so I won’t even talk about it. 

Megan clutches Scott’s arm, and he looks like he might cry and/or vomit. He’s in the bottom 3. He is blind! How dare those bastards!!!

The Mother - “Blind people don’t have duct tears, right?”

Me - “What?!”

The Mother - “Do blind people have tear ducts?”

Me - “Yes, blind people have tear ducts!!”

I can’t believe the things she says sometimes. I guess I should believe anything since I’ve known her for 29 years. This is the same woman who took it personal when Stewie killed Lois on Family Guy. Because I thought it was hilarious, I got a "Do you think it'd be funny if your mother was dead?" lecture. 

 

Phew, Scott is safe and back to the couch by Ryan.

 Every time I see a Fringe commercial, I think it looks cool, but then I watch it and I am proved wrong. Happens every time and I never learn!

Stevie Wonder sings a medley of songs while Adam sways beautifully in the darkness and Arm Tattoo and Allison hold hands. I hope her ink doesn’t rub off on innocent little Allison. I like that girl. She’s like the daughter Kelly Clarkson and I should have. Anoop and Gokey dance like idiots. I want to punch them both. I’ll punch Anoop very softly though. 

God, this medley won’t end!! 

And finally it ends! But it was so long, I forgot which show I was watching. 

Michael is out and has to sing and beg about how he’s not too proud to beg. Oh irony, I love you so. If I was on this show, I’d sing a song about goodbyes and leaving every single week just to have a moment like this.  Also, ‘A Moment Like This’. 

When he’s done singing, the judges haven’t decided his fate yet, and Ryan’s like, “Hurry up. We have two minutes. Let’s go.  Quit messing around.”

So they say no. Then Carrie Underwood’s singing about how he’s going home, sweet, home. She has a lovely voice. I want to cradle it in my arms and make out with it. That might be a weird thing to say, but sometimes the truth is weird. And sometimes Michael Sarvers just aren’t good enough to win on this show. 

See ya next week!!

March 25, 2009 - There’s nothing wrong with me loving you

The Brother - “Remember that time we were driving and you thought you saw Kevin Federline so you hid your ovaries under the seat?”

True story.

THIS is American Idol. Or as I like to call it, “Giant Idol Heads On A Giant Screen Scaring Small Children. Also, Yours Truly.”

I’m still waiting for one of the judges to trip on the stage during this big show of making them walk across the stage to their seats. 

Remember the shocking, only not-so-shocking elimination of Alexis last week? It’s okay if you didn’t, because Seacrest reminds us.  Then the judges reminisce about how Alexis was such a good singer but she just couldn’t sing good on this very show here where that very thing matters. 

This week is the 50th anniversary of Motown music. I don’t care so I won’t recap the montage. It’s lots of  music stuff. Jackson 5, Smokey Robinson.  Then the Idols flew to a place where Smokey Robinson hugs them and Scott pretends he can tell what Smokey looks like. Then they walk around and look at Motown records on the wall and other supposedly fantastic things.

Kauly Jo: is it cruel to take scott on a sight-seeing tour?

Back in LA, Smokey is the mentor. I hope he doesn’t teach them to smoke!!!

I’m sorry that was a lame joke. My head hurts from schoolwork. I keep trying to edit out my contractions because I’ve been working on an English paper that requires I don’t use any.  It hurts my head to reverse from formal writing to the colloquial style I’m used to in these recaps.

Matt is going to get us all pregnant via sound waves by singing ‘Let’s Get It On’. You know what I have the sudden urge to do? Get it on with Matt. There’s nothing wrong with giving yourself to him. Except that thing in the middle of his forehead is even bigger than it was last week. I swear tonight it has a face. But can you can imagine if Constantine sang this song? I can already feel the alien baby he’d impregnate me with bursting it’s way out of my chest, because that’s just like a Constantine baby to leave the sanctity of the birth canal. Anyway, Randy is happy about this performance.  Kara likes that Matt is coming out of his shell. Everybody likes that he is growing and could possibly remove DannyGokey from his front runner position.

Smokey turns into a giggling school-girl in the presence of Kris and his guitar and his prison-guard-at-a-concentration camp shirt. He’s singing ‘How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You’. He sounds good and looks delicious, but I’m not overjoyed by it. The judges all agree. 

Scott is wearing a hideous combination of clothing. I mean, I think it’s lovely because we’re engaged to be married, but my God. Pink pants and a paisley shirt. Who dressed him? Oh… he’s blind. I get it. Alright. Nevermind. We’ll let that one ride. He’s singing a song I love that we know as ‘You Can’t Hurry Love’ even though I prefer the Phil Collins version to the Motown version by artist unknown.  It starts slow, piano only and it’s very lovely. I hope he sings this at our wedding.  The song picks up and then back-up singers surround the piano.  Paula thought it was awesome, Simon hated it and the back-up singers.  Randy and his ugly sweater agrees with Simon and calls it very “hotel”. Which means Randy thinks Scott is like the mom on The Suite Life. The judges argue forever over whether Scott should sing fast or slow songs. Paula’s not even wearing a shirt so she shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Paula - “I’ve got something for Simon. *crawls under table*”

Ryan - “We’re not allowed to show that.”

Ha! But she just pulls out crayons and a coloring book and calls him a 6-year old. 

Scott says that he didn’t know until ten minutes before going on stage that his pants were a hideous shade of pink. You know who I blame for this? DannyGokey.

Back from commercial, Paula and Simon are coloring and Ryan yells at them for not staying inside the lines. He asks what else is under the table and Paula says something is under her skirt and Ryan panics and sends us to Arm Tattoos video package. What is happening to this show? Kara is a bad influence!!

Back from the video package, coloring supplies are gone and the judges look like they had been reprimanded. And then Arm Tattoo is singing and I want someone reprimanded for that. Even my mom thinks it’s bad and this is a woman who fawned over Kristy Lee Cook all last season.

Kauly Jo: her voice is annoying already

Kauly Jo: it's like that car alarm that you want to go smash to pieces

Randy calls it “bizarre” and tries to use technical music words and then gives up and calls it “mad, crazy”. Kara’s wearing a curtain I used to have on my bedroom window.  The rest of the judges all think it was a horrible song, horribly done, and horribly arranged. 

Anoop is singing ‘Ooh Baby Baby’.  I hope those are the only words and that he forgets them, cause that would be awesome! But there are more words. Hmmm. 

I don't get the point of decaf coffee. Also, Anoop. I mean, seriously, I just don't see what the fuss is.

 I mean, I’m not deaf, I hear the lovely voice. But… I don’t know. I wouldn’t pay to hear it and I wouldn’t pay to see him in concert. Although I do plan on going to the tour this summer, so I guess I will partially be paying to hear him. But I haven’t decided yet who’s performances I will go to the bathroom during. 

Kara stares him down because she loves him so much. The rest of the judges agree, except Simon thought it was kind of boring. 

roarimaraptor: gasp!! if anoop was white, he'd look just like that security boy who never called me!!

JuleahFaye: OMG that's where your irrational dislike comes from!!!!!!

roarimaraptor: OMG!

roarimaraptor: it all makes sense now!!

roarimaraptor: if i meet him over the summer, i hope i don't yell at him about why he never called me

Halfway mark!! I always complain about this show being 2 hours every week, but you know when it gets down to 1, I'm gonna be all sad. That's one hour less of Seacrest, 1 hour less of joy and happiness, 1 hour less of my SOUL!

I know I've been totally dramatically weird and random this season, but this season has been totally dramatically weird and random. Everything was normal, and then suddenly there was an extra judge, and we went to Puerto Rico, and someone's wife was dead and in his mourning someone convinced him to wear ugly glasses forever,  then somebody was blind, Kelly Clarkson made me gay in a matter of a split second, and then there was that one time Paula was chewing on Simon’s arm. But still I should probably try to reign myself in a bit. I hear people are printing these out and reading them to their love ones, who may no longer be loved ones if they've been reading all my recap shenanigans.

I forgot Michael Sarver existed!!  He’s sitting on the stools with Seacrest and he reveals that he didn’t get to go to Detroit with the other Idols because he was sick. Geez. Everybody is so sickly this season. This is why A) All the guys wore scarves last year. And B) Why it’s better for them not to all live in one house where germs breed like… well, germs. He’s singing ‘Ain’t Too Proud To Beg’. Whenever I hear that title all I think about is the TLC song, which I love, even though it’s totally about sex, but that’s what all their songs are about anyway. This version is about begging someone not to leave.  I have the same problem with Sarver as I do with Anoop. It’s not bad, I just don’t feel it. You know how when you’re dating a nice boy, but you just don’t want to date him anymore? Not for any specific reason, just because you’re not feeling it? Paula gets choked up when she tells Sarver that she loves him but it wasn’t good enough. Simon couldn’t wait for it to end. I didn’t think it was that bad. But I agree with Simon that he doesn’t have a chance to win this competition. Sarver babbles about something. Randy actually says smart things about how Sarver was trying to do too much with the song… but I can’t take my eyes off of Randy’s hideous blue sweater.  Wow. But anyway, I do enjoy Sarver’s speaking voice. Accents are pleasing. 

I forgot Lil Rounds existed!! But she is here. She is singing ‘Heat Wave’. She’s wearing some tinsel sewn together as a dress. Why are the girls half-naked tonight? Seacrest knows how I feel about this! Randy uses the term “mad, crazy” again. Its one of those phrases that can mean something good or something bad, depending on the context. But collectively, the judges don’t like this performance.

The Brother put a sock on his hand, made it talk, and called it “Kara”. 

Then the judges argue, and if I didn’t already know they’ve hand-picked her for the top 3, I’d say this was pointless… which I guess, does make it pointless.

Me - *points and laughed at Adam*

The Brother - “At least Adam takes time to do his hair, unlike Scott.”

Me - “HE IS BLIND!!! HOW DARE YOU!!”

He’s dressed like Zac Efron in Hairspray. HAHAHA! But… GASP!! He’s singing one of my best favorite songs ever!! ‘Tracks Of My Tears’. It’s awesome. I want him to win! I want him to win all the money!! Smokey, Paula, and Kara stand up and clap for him. The girl judges freak out about it. Kara calls it “one of the best performances of the night” to which Simon disagrees and calls it “THE best performance of the night”. And this is the part where Adam would cry if he were capable of human emotion, which I am starting to think he’s not. He’s a robot, alien hybrid, of this I am sure! Randy calls him “unbelievably hot”. This show is making everybody gay this season!! It must be the presence of Adam. IT MUST BE! 

Back from commercial, Ryan is holding a trumpet for no reason. 

DannyGokey heard me making fun of his glasses cause now he’s wearing contacts in his video package. Or I don’t know that he’s wearing contacts, but he’s not wearing the glasses. But back on stage he is. Damn him! He’s singing a song I love. ‘Get Ready’. The Backstreet Boy did a performance of this way back when  they first got together and Nick Carter still had the voice of a fetus. I liked it better than this.  Paula loves it, Simon calls it amateurish and clumsy, Randy loved the energy and the “feeling of it”. Kara thought it was just good. 

Back from the commercial, Paula is sitting in Ryan’s lap… and then Allison is singing ‘Papa Was A Rolling Stone’ and The Brother and I argue over whether she looks/sounds more like Kelly Clarkson or Hannah Montana. I see the Kelly comparison, which is why I used to call her Kelly Montana, but I see/hear the Hannah Montana thing more. To me, she sounds just like her. Only, you know, she can actually sing. 

blozor636: That was the song that bought David the Gay a stay of execution last season. She has to perform it better than that.

And she does. Randy calls her one of the “dopest” things in this “whole thing”. Kara says she sings like she’s been singing for “400 years”.  Paula has a mustache drawn on her face and she acts shocked that its there, even though she was sitting there, wide awake, as Simon drew it on. Allison laughs hysterically because she’s a child. I love her though.  I laughed too. I won’t lie. 

Tomorrow… Arm Tattoo leaves us. Other bottom two may include Sarver and…. *gulps* Scott. I am not happy about that. 

March 18, 2009 - I smell T-R-O-U-B-L-E

The contestants are lined up going down the stairs, with Scott at the bottom of course. Ryan walks down beside them telling us he has results that may shock us.  Which I doubt, but okay. I love Seacrest so I take him at his word. I’m not into his suits so much, but he looks good in this grey one he’s wearing tonight. Over 31 million people voted last night and I’m going to be very upset if all those votes were for DannyGokey and you know a lot of them probably were.

Several girls scream and one nearly faints at the mention of Carrie Underwood’s name. But I do not blame them. Were she a different girl from a different season, I’d react the same way.

Remember when I got confused with two different Randys? Remember when Randy Jackson and Kris shared tender moments? And then Arm Tattoo went walking after midnight with a weird accent and a weird tattoo on her arm? Remember when Scott and his angels were wild? Remember when Adam was weird and scared me? Remember when I was always on Anoop’s mind even when I didn’t want to be? And then we dropped that zero and got with the hero? And then Matt was more awesome than anybody else?

Rather than a medley tonight, they are singing ‘Trouble’. Scott is playing on piano while the guys stand around it. Everybody irrelevant, and Allyson, are standing in front of the judges table. Then they all gather around the piano again, then they all stand up. And singing happens all the while. I don’t think they were harmonizing very well, but what do I know. 

Introducing the Ford commercial, Ryan is holding what I thought was a silicon implant but it’s just a leftover water balloon from the filming of the Ford commercial. Which is just the Idols throwing water balloons at each other in the street. That’s not really fair for Scott. He can’t aim, nor can he duck if one comes after him. Idol is mean.  

God, shut up. Everybody’s pissing and moaning about Jorge and Jasmine getting cut like it mattered. Sure, it’s sad for their dreams to be demolished, but they weren’t going to win anyway! So let’s move on! And if Lil Rounds calls Jasmine “snazzy jazzy” one more time, I will pop a cap. Then more boo-hooing about it. Did Jasmine die? Is that why we’re making such a deal out of it? Or is this just filler? 

Sarver cries about how his baby thinks he doesn’t want to be with her anymore. Awww. That is sad. This is the kind of crying and boo-hooing I don’t mind. 

Magically, Arm Tattoo isn’t sick anymore. 

I looked down to accept a friend request on Facebook and the next thing I knew Danny and Lil were in the top 10. 

Between Michael and Allyson/Allison… and Allyson is in the bottom 3... What?!! And so is Michael. Wow. Hmmmm. Michael I’m not surprised at, but Allison? She’s awesome. Though I’m not sure how to spell her name.

Brad Paisley singing pretty songs about pretty love.

Ryan gives Brad the results of his “performance”. Shut up, Seacrest. I’m not in the mood for your tomfoolery. I feel like I‘m getting a head cold and I‘m annoyed by people. Even the super delicious people like Seacrest. 

Scott is so cute and awkward. I want to date him. He’s dressed very nice tonight. He’s very sweaty though.  And he’s safe!! Nobody congratulates him though. Dude, why is everybody hating on the blind guy?

Arm Tattoo is safe. And Matt and Kris. Maybe I’ll see this tour. 

Ryan asks Randy to choose between Alexis and Adam and who he thinks should be in the bottom 3. He says Alexis though he calls her Allison, but either way, it redeems the hatred I’ve been feeling towards him. 

Allison is sent back to safety. Phew. I thought this was going to have to get ugly. She’s the only girl I even like this season.  

Remember how Carrie was from Checotah and then she one Idol and then she carved her name into somebody’s leather seats? That was awesome.

I love Carrie so much. Not in a gay way, but like in a different way. Like if I had a horse, or if I hung out with Kelly and her horses, I would want Carrie to be the horse whisperer. Also, I want her to sing the soundtrack to my life. Like follow me around all the time, just singing songs that pertain to whatever’s happening at the moment. Like when a boy doesn't call she can sing 'I Know You Won't', or when I elope with a stranger in Vegas she can sing 'Last Name" and for no reason at all, she can sing 'Alone' at random intervals. She can sing anything, but if she tried singing 'My Life Would Suck Without You', I'd punch her in the face cause nobody sings Kelly, EVER! But then later we'd make up over Mojitos.

Also, I have a funny story.

I'm guilty of judging songs by their title. For the longest time I refused to listen to 'Wasted' because I assumed it was about being drunk and what do I wanna hear about Carrie being drunk for. Kelly Clarkson, sure. Carrie, not really. I hold her to a higher standard of classiness. But then one day when I was pumping gas it was playing outside the gas station and I was forced to listen.

 

Me - "I like this song! Who is it?"

Brother - "Carrie Underwood."

Me - "What? I don't know this song."

Brother - "It's called Wasted."

Me - ".... I thought this song was about being drunk! Like literally wasted!!"

So because of my foolishness, Carrie and I missed out on a lot of time we could've spent together.

But anyway, her and Randy Travis are singing ‘Told You So’ while Carrie wears a giant spider in her hair. Oh God, it’s gonna eat Ryan!! There’s like an avocado or something on her dress. Oh God, it’s gonna get on Ryan’s suit!!  

Her voice is magnificent. I mean, if you asked me to choose between her and Kelly, I’d pick Kelly and there’d be no contest, but… man, is Carrie magnificent. Randy Travis however, does not look amused. He’s like glaring at her the entire time like he might want to just cut her.  I wouldn’t want to sing with her either. You couldn’t pay me enough to try and sing with someone as good as Carrie. Dude, could you imagine if Carrie, Kelly, Clay, and David Cook sang together on this stage? It would implode, I’m sure of it. Also, Carrie kind of makes a man want to be a miniature horse. 

JuleahFaye: randy travis's coat looks like the nightmare before christmas version of a randy travis coat.

Ryan wastes no time getting back to Sarver and Alexis. The judges would consider saving one of them but they don’t say which. There isn’t really time for a sing-off so I don’t know how they’ll work this… Michael is safe and Alexis has to sing again. That’s how they’ll work it. Sigh. Can’t we just send her home? Cause if they save her tonight, she’ll just get cut next week anyway. Paula and Kara kiss and cuddle and make out while Alexis sings. What the hell? When did everybody associated with Idol - including me - become so gay? Seriously. What is in the coke?! 

Patti: why are the girls making out all the time?

Shrewlaura: Because all the guys are gay.

Anyway, they send her home. They’re still saving their veto power to ensure that DannyGokey never effin’ leaves, EVER! 

Idol will on Wednesday and Thursday next week because of the president. Damn you, Obama! You’re pushing my patience. Who does he think he is? 

Alexis teaches baby Ryan to say “Seacrest Out” and it’s kind of like how I try teaching my niece to say “Uncle Seacrest”.

March 17, 2009 - From zero to hero

So I decided to forgive Idol for all its indiscretions lately. Its like a relationship. You either accept that things are the way they are or you leave. I always feel sad when the season ends and during the winter I don't quite know what to do with myself. So I should embrace it while its here, especially since I fear this may be the last season. They made a murder-suicide pact by adding all these changes. And besides, who would I replace Idol with if I did file for divorce? Not Dancing With The Stars. I left the room an hour into the season premiere and even that tested my patience. That Randy Jackson dance show is awesome, but I can't even remember who the host is and I could do with a little less of the judge in the middle who dresses like a flight attendant. Although she can be insightful sometimes, but sometimes she gets a case of the Randys and yells nonsense that is neither here nor there. Like that time last season when Randy yelled at that poor Australian boy, telling him that this show wasn't about dreams, when it really is about dreams. Seacrest? That's a dream if I ever saw one. Except I keep telling Seacrest to loosin’ up my buttons, but he keeps frontin‘. 

But enough about that, THIS is American Idol.

The judges are introduced again and Ryan has to walk down those stairs again. I always get nervous. Stairs are dangerous. I’ve fallen UP stairs, so I know. 

Kara and Paula make out while the crowd cheers for Ryan, then everybody awwws over whoever it was that got cut last week. Then Randy lies that the contestants have evolved. 

It’s Grand Old Opry week, which I thought meant songs by members of the Grand Old Opry or something, but apparently it’s just songs by people who have either performed their or just drove past once. Or maybe it is members. I don’t know. 

But Randy Travis’s reanimated corpse was here during the week to encourage the Idols not to sing stupid songs and to sing good.  Dude, seriously, this guy looks like something from Puppet Masters. 

blozor: He looks like a really scary David Bowie.

blozor636: And that's saying A LOT.

Randy tells Michael Sarver not to lick stuff or something and then Michael is singing ‘Ain’t Going Down Til The Sun Comes Up’. It’s pretty awesome. Randy’s not sure it brought out his capabilities, but Randy’s stupid anyway, so whatever. Kara is impressed that the song had a lot of words, but she didn’t like the performance vocal wise. Paula raves about the harmonica player that looked like Anoop but that didn’t have anything to do with Michael unless he took the kid off the street, sent him to music school, and then let him perform with him. But maybe he did. Maybe there is no end to Michael’s goodness. Simon didn’t like it at all. Sarver talks back and the sheep cheer him. 

Allison is singing ‘Blame It On Your Heart’. I love this song. Wow… this girl is kind of awesome. The judges love her except for Simon. I think he was watching something else because he thought she struggled with the words but she totally didn’t. Score one for Allison, zero for Simon. Then something about dope. I think Randy’s selling drugs, but I wasn’t totally paying attention. 

Kris is singing ‘To Make You Feel My Love’. I was just listening to Kelly’s cover of this earlier today. I was making a super awesome Kelly mix CD and this song went on it. And you know what? I’m not even mad that Kris doing it like I usually would be. Because this is awesome. This is beautiful and I think I love him. I am so downloading this tomorrow. Simon calls it “terrific” and everybody has a spazz attack.  Randy repeats what he other judges said and then calls Kris his “dawg” and talks about tender moments.  I don’t want to hear anymore about tender moments between Randy and anybody. 

I forgot Lil Rounds existed. Hmmm. Well, anyway, she talks about how they have a pool at the house and eat in the same kitchen so therefore spend a lot of time together. Then she was nervous about choosing a country song. Just stop talking and sing!! This isn’t your show, Tyra. She’s singing ’Independence Day’ which sends me into a rage because this was Carrie’s song during season 4. She sang it so many times that I never wanted to hear it sung every again in my life. And it never should be sung by anybody but Carrie or Martina! I guess Lil Rounds didn’t watch the show that season. If someone’s going to sing about spousal/child abuse, I want it to be Carrie!! This is rubbish. Randy calls it “interesting” which tells you all you need to know. That it was horrible. Kara is wearing some a dress made of some sort of plastic wrap, aluminum foil hybrid material. Then she mutters about nothing. Paula lies that Lil was good. I don’t even really hear all that she says because her cleavage is so pronounced that I’m afraid if I lean to close to the TV, I’ll fall in them. Then Simon tells the truth that it wasn’t good and Lil argues and I reach through the TV and punch her in the face. Also, Simon can’t seem to get her name right. 

I am alarmed by what Lil is wearing. I think Ryan is too. I sense the concern. Then it gets thrown off when he makes a small penis joke directed at Simon that confuses Simon. 

In the video package, Adam frightens Randy Travis by wearing nail polish and talking about sitars. Adam is singing ‘Ring Of Fire’ and I keep picturing David Cook in his green tights from the Ford commercial last year. God, how I miss last year. I can’t decide how I feel about this. 

Kauly Jo: simon's like "seriously?  am i being punk'd again?"

roarimaraptor: this might be nice to play in the background while i make out with ryan, maybe

Kauly Jo: or after you smoke pot with him

I really kind of missed what the judges said because I was copying and pasting this:

JuleahFaye: i feel like i'm a snake being charmed

JuleahFaye: like this is from slumdog millionaire

roarimaraptor: or that snake in the kelly vitamin water commercial

roarimaraptor: all roads lead to kelly!

JuleahFaye: OMG

JuleahFaye: all roads!

Then Simon says “What the hell is that?”.

The Brother - “Put in there that I’m the only person who liked it and that Adam was making love to me through the TV.”

Me - “No! People will disown me!”

The Brother - “Just put it!”

Me - “No! No one will ever read this again!”

Ryan molests children in the audience before we cut to Scott’s video package. Randy Travis doesn’t like his song choice of ‘Wild Angels’ but doesn’t say anything about it… which is kind of his job, but whatever. People named Randy aren’t always the most useful people. We just have to accept that they are there. Then they hug and Ryan is being mauled in the audience by the people he is usually molesting. 

Scott must have finally got a hold of a brush and/or a hairdresser, because his hair is lovely. I think this performance is quite lovely too. It starts out a little rough and nervous but then it kicks up a bit.  Scott is so cute and awkward. I want to marry him and have his little blind babies and his little hot seeing eye babies. Well, wait… babies shouldn’t be hot. But you know what I’m saying. Paula tells him he should be without his piano, even though when he didn’t have the piano, she told him to get a piano. Simon comes to Scott’s defense saying that if he wants to be behind the piano all the time than he should be behind the piano all the time. Simon didn’t think it was a good song choice though. Randy thought it was just okay. Kara explains that what the other three judges have been spending 10 minutes arguing is that he needs to up his game a little bit. True dat. But still, I’ll download this song. 

Scott said he spends his down time arranging his song choices and I love that. I love him. 

blozor636: Last season, Paula got drugged up and she critiqued a song she hadn't heard yet. This season she told a blind man he should put on a stage show.

The Brother - “If they had a Cher week, Adam would kick ass.”

Me - “He’d just be himself.

Alexis is next. Randy Travis is alarmed I think by the pink hair and giant hoop earrings. Also, I think he wants to molest her. She’s singing ‘Jolene’. She sounded alright, but she was kind of boring. Bluesy in a way that didn’t work, as Randy says Kara thought she’d lost her edge. Paula doesn’t care if a person sings good or not, she says. Simon looks unusually good in his shirt tonight. Simon thought it wasn’t original enough.  Alexis is all like, “I had fun.” and I’m all like, “Well, I didn’t. So get off the stage.” 

If I was on this show, I would have sang either something by Carrie or ‘You Lie’ by Reba. 

DannyGokey gets nervous in front of Randy Travis and can‘t sing. Or rather, he kind of sounds like Sanjaya while he’s rehearsing it. Ha! DannyGokey sucks! He’s singing ‘Jesus, Take The Wheel’, while wearing a stupid white coat that I‘m pretty sure I saw Carrie Underwood wearing once. I won’t even explain it because my laptop might explode.

Kara kisses his ass but it wasn’t that great. Danny has a good voice, I'm not denying that. I just don't care. The vibe I get from his attitude... I just don't care. I don't like the type of person he is. See, you can be a great singer and have a shitty-assed attitude... But not on this show. Why do you think the douchbags never win? David Cook? Kelly Clarkson? Carrie Underwood? Clay Aiken? Not only do they have totally fucking awesome voices, they are totally fucking awesome people. Who doesn't want to hang out with Clay Aiken? Seriously, who doesn't? Cause that's just weird and I want you to leave this recap right now. I don't trust anybody who wouldn't want to hang out with Clay. Or have Carrie sing to them from the shadows while they make out with Seacrest. Or give birth to David Cook's humungous headed babies. Or drink sodas with Kelly and maybe kiss her if she asked and maybe get drunk and experiment like college girls. If you don't want to do that stuff, then you are weird. And you need to leave.

Wow, that was weird what I just said. All of it. I apologize. I mean, I don't really, cause if I said it is what it is, but...... Don't judge me!! But seriously? All four of those people could single-handedly wipe the floor with him. Kelly would laugh if you suggested they compete against each other. She’d laugh in your face and then go make a sandwich, of which she would share with me. 

Anoop is singing ‘Always On My Mind’. I love this song so much. He better not suck it up! I will find you Anoop. Oh, I will. Actually, I won’t. Nevermind. I don’t have the kind of passion needed to fight for Willie Nelson songs. But omg, I want to call Seacrest and sing him this song to make up for that time we didn’t speak for like a year and I taped over most of my episodes of On Air. Paula drunkenly exclaims that Anoop is “back” and that this song fit him like a glove. She breaks into fits of giggles because I suspect she’s remembering that phrase “No glove, no love.” And then Anoop calls her ma’am. Simon says he went from “zero to hero” which is a little extreme, but yeah, it was a good performance. Randy says nothing of interest, except that the arrangement was “dope“, which is sort of true. They agree that it was the best performance of the night, and although I might agree… that doesn’t mean anything. It’s been a fairly boring night overall.

I heard that Megan had a “wardrobe malfunction” during rehearsal. I suspect either her tattoo came to life and tried to eat Seacrest or a boob popped out. She’s singing ‘Walking After Midnight’. She over-enunciates and it’s annoying.  God, it’s annoying. And she’s wearing a dress that’s like those mannequins in the old navy commercials where the mannequin proposes and then the other one’s finger falls off but it’s all okay because they’re wearing those dresses and I just want to set them all on fire cause it‘s stupid and annoying. They’re saying she was in and out of the hospital and that’s why she missed rehearsal and not the rumor I heard. My rumor was more interesting anyway.

I forgot all about Matt. He’s singing ‘So Small’. Hmmm. Randy Travis is disturbed by this, but it sounds like it might be pretty.  In between his video package and when he starts singing, Paula is sniffing Simon’s arm and Ryan is standing by watching with his hands in his pocket. This show is so weird sometimes.

But this Matt? He’s awesome. I’d say that he’s so good he got Paula up on her feet dancing, but I get the feeling Paula dances to the sound of wind chimes and toilets flushing. 

Kara tells Matt there’s nothing small about him. God, Kara. If you’re gonna be dirty, hide it in gay innuendo. Have you never seen how things work on this show? Did they not give you a memo? Paula stumbles over a bunch of words, some big and some small, to make some sort of point that I cannot understand. Simon tells Matt that he’s awesome and nobody’s been able to notice thus far because they’re too busy not shutting up about DannyGokey. Randy calls it his favorite performance of the night and I concur. Then Matt gets tearful. I wish him and Seacrest would hug. 

Dude, I totally forgot about Michael Sarver. That’s bad. It’s been less than two hours.

So who’s going home tomorrow? Not Allison, Kris, or Matt. Probably not Scott, Adam, or that other guy with the glasses who’s name I’m tired of typing. 

Roarimaraptor:: god, i wish jesus would take his wheel and drive it off a bridge

Shrewlaura: Seriously. Rescue us Jesus. Save us from Danny Douchey

March, 11, 2009 - I keep thinking that our problems soon are all gonna work out

roarimaraptor: sorry, the new kelly video was on tv and i had to go watch it and become a raging lesbian for a few minutes

roarimaraptor: she looks so pretty in that video

SpiegelMeister3: I cant look at her for too long otherwise i get feelings that i cant do anythign about

roarimaraptor: my lesbianism doesn't go that far

roarimaraptor: i just want to stare at her and maybe drink sodas together

Is anybody else concerned about the big change they're revealing on tonight's show? Unless it's giving Kanye West a beating for acting like what Chris Brown did wasn't a big deal or replacing Randy Jackson with Kelly Clarkson, I don't want to hear about it. You know it's going to be something that's going to piss me off. I like order and routine, Idol!! Stop making me twitchy!!

The contestants are lined up dramatically on the stairs as Ryan dramatically walks down the stairs and introduces this show I used to call American Idol. 

As Ryan introduces the judges panel, Randy boos like an idiot because he’s an idiot.

The new rule is that the judges get a “save”. Meaning, that night Constantine was cut because he sucked ass… the judges could have saved his ass. I do think he should have gone further… but he didn’t. That’s not the way it worked out. This is stupid. If I voted, I wouldn’t vote anymore. I want a divorce, Idol!! You can keep the kids. Except Seacrest. I get him. I will take this court to make sure I get him. And you won’t even get weekends!! 

Anyway, the Idols live in some kind of uber-mansion that contains a bowling alley. My bedroom is the size of a walk-in closet and these bastards get bowling alleys and basketball courts in their house. 

Jackson 5 Medley. The girls can’t harmonize with each other, DannyGokey acts just like the douche you think he’d act like,  and Scott stumbles around like a blind man, but otherwise they sound good as a group. Alexis and Michael have awesome solos at the end. 

Remember when last night when I wasn’t so angry with this show? Remember how Ryan dressed as a smaller-than-life-sized Ken doll? Remember how we were not alone because Michael Sarver was there? And then Allison was awesome and boggled Paula‘s mind. Remember how Scott kept the faith even through his blindness? Remember how Jorge sang bad without actually singing ‘Bad’? 

Sarver says that “working is the word” and I punch him in the face. 

OMG! I forgot about Ford commercials!! The video has the Idols in giant form on the side of high rise buildings to the tune of ‘We Will Rock You’. It’s stupid.

Sarver is safe. Kelly Montana is safe. 

Jasmine is called down to the center of the stage wearing a pink beach towel as a dress.

Other Matt is safe, says Ryan, even though I’m pretty sure there’s only one Matt. 

Kris and Arm Tattoo are called to their feet. Ryan makes everyone think Kris is in the bottom 3, but he is not. It is Arm Tattoo… and then suddenly Jasmine is going home. Ryan makes her sing again so we can pretend that the judges might want to call in their Save. 

Jasmine’s goodbye package is set to a Motley Crue cover of ‘Home Sweet Home’ done by Carrie Underwood. You know I love Motley Crue, covers, and Carrie Underwood. But this doesn’t redeem Idol tonight. It does not. Nice try. 

The stage doors open and there’s Kanye West. He’s wearing denim wrapped in denim wrapped in denim covered in some more denim and underneath it all, he’s probably wearing  a “support Chris Brown” t-shirt. I hate you and your stupid mechanical voice. Get off my stage. He’s worse than all the bad contestants put together. For reals, ya’ll. 

 JuleahFaye: this is like paying a rapist to play your 7 year old's birthday.

roarimaraptor: and then he promotes domestic violence too

roarimaraptor: over cake

JuleahFaye: listen bitches.  snitches get stitches.  

Listen people. If you go on a show hosted by the Osbournes and you let them blindfold you, then you have no one to blame but yourself when you remove the blindfold and find you’ve just tongue-kissed someone old enough to be your grandmother. I’m just sayin’. 

Then Scott is safe. Alexis safe, even though you know at least half of the people who voted for her dialed the porn line number. You know it! Don’t deny you know it!! If you’re denying it, then you’re a guilty one!

Oh God, DannyGokey. As safe as he’ll ever be. 

Anoop is in the bottom whatever. Adam, The Only Thing About This Show Worth Watching Anymore Next To Seacrest, is safe. Jorge is in the bottom two. 

JuleahFaye: 10 bucks says in an hour america is criticized for disliking ethnic people.

roarimaraptor: yes

roarimaraptor: also, i will be called a lesbian unless i can figure out a way to properly explain my crush on clarkson

JuleahFaye: well that's unfair

JuleahFaye: you're a clarksbian at worst

Let me explain something about this. I’m totally into boys and not into chicks at all… but if I was like at a party or something and somebody suggested playing spin the bottle and I had to kiss Kelly Clarkson… I’d totally do it. 

So she’s here!! She’s HERE!! She hugs Ryan, and then they talk about her album, and she says her new song is about Ryan, and then Ryan sings part of her new song, and then she sings her new song and it’s awesome. She looks good, she touches hands in the audience, her voice sounds a little tired, but she still sounds good.  Kelly is like one of my most favorite people ever. I love her so much. Do you think if I asked her, she’d be like my civil union partner or whatever we’d have to be called? The proposal would be something like, “Kelly… would you make me the happiest recapper alive and be my life partner? Because my life would suck without you.” 

And then it ends and I am sad. 

SweetyPi9897: if anoop doesn't go home i'm going to killl somebody

SweetyPi9897: that somebody being anoop

And now Anoop must die because he’s safe. 

It’s sad watching Jorge sing about how he never can say goodbye even though we all know, even with the new judges Save, that he’s saying goodbye right now as soon as he’s done singing. The lyrics to this song are my feelings toward this show. 

Everytime I think I had enough

I start heading for the door 

There's a very strange vibration

That pierces me right to the core

It says turn around you fool

You know you love her more and more

Oh, I hate you Idol for making me love you!! 

The girls are dancing and singing along while Randy and Simon talk to each other and for some reason, it’s hilarious. Then it’s home, sweet, home for Jorge.

See ya next week. Maybe.

March 10, 2009 - "I tried to vote for Alexis and some guy asked me what I'm wearing!"

The Brother - "So do you think Cook and Kimberly Caldwell ever did anything together?"

Me - "Ew... Of course they did. She's a whore."

THIS is American Idol. Or as I like to call it "4 Judges Who Make You Think You're Picking The Top 12 But Really They Are " or "Shut Up, Randy Jackson".

Ryan’s wearing a big boy suit tonight. The judges are introduced by an announcer as they come out from behind the stage. They walk like it’s a fashion show to their seats. Then Ryan is announced and he walks down a million steps to get to the stage. This makes me nervous because stairs make me nervous. I’m good at falling down them and what if Ryan channels my clumsiness and falls? Ryan laughs cause he thinks this entrance thing is lame. Then him and Simon hold hands and make out. 

Randy says that all 13 people could win. Is that what they’re going to do? Have 13 winners? I wouldn’t be surprised. Then Kara talks like she’s ever been on this show ever and has a clue what she’s talking about. 

Kauly Jo: why does it look like paula's wearing a leopard that ate a big bird?

The contestants are all introduced one by one and it seems like there’s more than 13. I swear Ryan’s calling out names for like an hour. We already know who they all are, so we won’t talk about them. Except there’s Kris, Adam, and Scott with his blind seeing eye guy.

Whooo! 2 people are going home tomorrow! Take that, number 13!! 

Tonight’s theme is… Michael Jackson songs. If Archie was still here, I’d make some Jesus Juice jokes.  But he is not. So I will not. 

Lil Rounds is first singing ‘The Way You Make Me Feel’. This is probably the song I’d sing if I was on the show. Lil’s top was cut off of a prom dress. There’s nothing impression about any of this. 

Blozor636: This sounds like music they play for narcoleptics if they have trouble falling asleep.

Randy’s all “WHOO! YAY THE BEST SONG EVER!!!” God, lay off the drugs Randy. But then Kara says the same thing.  So I’ll agree. Vocally, she wasn’t bad, but it’s like… so what? I wanted to take a nap. Simon calls it a “lazy” song choice and he gets booed even though it’s true.

In case you guys didn’t know it, Scott’s blind. Also, awesome. But that we already knew. Hot seeing eye guy is Scott’s brother! His sister is also blind. This is sadness.  My future husband here is playing the piano and singing ‘Keep The Faith’, a song I have never heard. It’s very pretty. My only issue is that somebody needs to tell him about that stupid upturned collar on his coat. I don’t approve of upturned collars. They look stupid. 

The Brother - “He actually brushed his hair!”

The Mother - “He can’t see it though.”

Me - “But everybody else can!”

Kara liked the song choice because Scott has a message and his message was carried out in this song. I like songs with messages. Paula calls his instrument at his fingertips, magical. Simon hated the song. Randy tells him that he thought ‘Man In The Mirror’ was better but Scott never sang that song, so that just means Randy is stupid and nothing he says should ever be taken seriously. 

My only fear bigger than dying alone, or being cornered by Constantine in a dark alley or a well-lit hallway, is to marry someone with a terrible last name. I don't want to pass on to my kids a horrible name like Humperdink. Or Gokey. I like simple names, like Cook and Seacrest. And Braddy. Oh God, I miss Ricky!! I blame this entirely on Anoop and his stupid number 13.

Anyway, back to DannyGokey. Everything thinks that one day I will magically love him, but I promise y'all right now that I will not change my feelings on DannyGokey. I know it happened with Constantine and David Cook, but those were different. My hatred for Constantine was fueled by some misguided passion which eventually bubbled to the surface, but once I took some antibiotics, I went back to hating him as I was meant to do. I explained already that I was under a lot of stress when Cook came along thanks to Clay Aiken's bad haircut and I had to direct that anger somewhere. David seemed the most likely candidate because... Well, just look at pictures of him from back then. But then he turned into a swan and his true beauty was revealed.

He tries being funny in his video package but it reminds me of when Kim Caldwell tries to be funny. He’s singing PYT. I’m going to take this moment to eat some Flavor Blasted Nacho Goldfish.

I don’t ever want to hear him use the word tenderoni again. 

Paula stands up and dances just like you thought she would. Also, she’s wearing a feather. When he’s done, the judges all kiss his butt and then crown him the winner. DannyGokey either promises or threatens to keep up the horrible dancing. 

Michael goes back to his oil rig job to rub the TV camera’s into his old coworkers faces. His cute little daughter has what she calls “happy tears”.  Back in LA, he’s singing ‘You Are Not Alone’. His face reminds me of if Nick Carter and Brian Littrell from BSB had a baby together and raised it as an oil rigger who then went on American and sang that song about how you are never alone, not even when you want to be alone, because he is always there.

This song was written by R. Kelly. Ponder that one, America. Ponder it. Also ponder that this was the video where Michael frolicked butt ass naked. 

Simon calls him “not the best singer”, but that he made up for it with passion and heart.  Randy calls him “one of the best” even though only four people have sang.  Kara has a giant black ribbon around her neck. I wonder if you untied it… if her head would fall off. 

Jasmine has the face of someone I’ve seen on this show before. She tells Ryan that stylists take them shopping for clothes and do there hair and Ryan gets jealous that they get to keep the clothes. Back in Jasmine’s hometown, she has 18 sisters and like 4 moms. Also, some babies. 

She’s singing ‘I’ll Be There’. I love this song! The judges reviews are mixed.

If I was on this show, I’d sing ‘I Found That Girl’ and dedicate it to Kelly Clarkson. 

Next is Kris. I don’t approve of the spelling of the name, but I like him. Ugh, he’s married. Nevermind. I’m not into married men.

But oooh! He’s playing guitar and singing, ‘Do You Remember’. This is awesome. Who cares if he’s married. He does funny things with his mouth when he sings though. I hope he doesn’t do that when he’s kissing his wife. 

Kara points out that the girls love Kris and so the girls scream in response. She tells him he’s awesome with his guitar. Kara tells us that Kris spent a lot of time this week helping out other contestants. GASP! I love him!! Simon tries to take Paula’s clothes off while Paula tries to explains that the reason Kris was helping the others because no one knows Michael Jackson’ catalogue better than him. I’m not sure what that means. But then she calls him “Adorable sexy”. 

Something weird happens and then Ryan makes a big fuss about Simon being single. 

Kelly Montana is next and I’m the only one in the world who thinks she looks or sounds at all like Hannah Montana. One of these days I need to learn her actual name. But this is not one of those days. She’s singing ‘Give In To Me’ a song I do not know. It’s awesome. Paula calls her “mind boggling” and a “rock star” and that she’s probably been doing this since she was two. Even though we just saw a home video of her doing this when she was two. Simon calls it a good performance and he’s glad that she knows what kind of artist she wants to be. Randy tells her she’s “got it”.  He calls her “one to watch”. Indeed. I like her. And I rarely ever like the girls. If I had a song, I’d want him to date her. 

I've tried, but I just don't get this Anoop thing. Please don't try explaining it to me cause I still won't get it. Its like if you asked me to explain the Seacrest thing. I wouldn't be able to cause even I don't understand my love for him. I might have some sort of protein or vitamin deficiancy and if I just got a little more sunlight and ate a steak it would pass, but that's the closest explanation I can give you. Him and Ryan reminisce about how last week Idol was expecting 12 babies but the ultrasound kept missing the 13th baby. And then it was born and they named it Anoop. Then he came back this week and sang ‘Beat It’. He doesn’t even sound like himself. The stylists did good things to him though. Except for the stupid turned up collar. 

Paula and Simon say “after you” for 10 minutes until Ryan punches them in the face and tells them to get moving cause we only have 49 minutes left. Paula thinks ‘Beat It’ is untouchable. Simon thought it was horrible and karaoke. And the rest of the judges concur. Anoop gets a little case of the “pissed-off” eyes, which I don’t approve of.  

Patti: he's acting kind of assy

shrewlaura: Seriously.

Patti: and that's why i don't like danny gokey too... since everybody keeps asking why

shrewlaura: I would never question a person's dislike of Danny Gokey.

Awww, Ryan sits in the audience with his mom and his Nana. He took them out to dinner the other night. I saw it on the internets. 

Jorge is singing ‘Never Can Say Goodbye’ one of my favorite Jackson 5 songs. If you asked me and Ryan what our song is I’d say this. Among others. But this one too. I want Scott to sing it at our wedding. 

Randy said it was too old fashioned.  Kara didn’t like the song choice and then Paula had “mad love”, 

Paula - “Why did you pick this song?”

Jorge - “ I didn’t have a lot to choose from. I wasn’t going to sing Bad.”

Simon - “Well, you sort of did.”

Jorge - *death glare*

HAHA!

Arm Tattoo and Ryan sit in the drinking fountain stools and talk about how her family and friends forced her into auditioning. Those bastards!! Her brother is in the audience and he’s cute. I’d totally date him.. If he was a few years older than 21. 

Megan is divorced and has a kid? I didn’t know this. I mean, if I went back through my recaps, I’d probably find I had plenty to say about it, but I don’t remember. She’s singing ‘Rockin’ Robin’. This song shouldn’t be sung by anybody other than kids under 10 in talent shows. 

Kauly Jo: why does it look like she stole a dress from an 80 year old hooker??

Simon calls it a stupid song choice. He calls it clumsy and awkward. Many truths there. Ryan tells us to vote for her, but we won’t.

ADAM!! In his video package he’s wearing the same shirt Kris wore earlier tonight. Hmmm. Interesting.  He’s singing ‘Black and White’. I hope Ryan does the Macauley Culkin rap. Adam isn’t scared of no sheets, by the way. I like this racial equality side of Adam. And I like that I now know the lyrics to this song since I never understood them when Jackson sang them.

Kauly Jo: not surprising that Adam would pick a song where in the video men morph into women and then back again

^ ^ Best quote ever.

Paula yells at Adam to “Take it!!” She loves him and makes him cry with her flattering words. Then she talks about fashion marrying music which might get the homophobes up in arms. But Adam probably already did that and they changed the channel before hearing Paula say it. Simon says the performance was in an entirely different league than anybody else.  I won’t repeat Randy’s nonsense, but he praises Adam to the high heavens and so does Kara. It’s like why are we even bothering with this show? Just let Adam sing all night every night, every week, until May. Then we can bring back David Cook and they can sing and cry together. 

 

Kauly Jo: adam is the most masculine girl on the show.  and yet, she makes ryan look feminine somehow

Matt’s dad cries about how much he loves Matt. And then Seacrest molests a bunch of girls in the audience who I will have to beat up after the show if they touch him. Matt finally plays this piano we keep hearing so much about. He’s singing ‘Human Nature’. The judges love him. 

Alexis is from Memphis and she likes the blues.  Then she cries about her baby.  Now she’s singing ‘Dirty Diana’. It’s really good. Kara and Paula call her naughty and get all lesbian flirty. The judges rush through their comments because we’re running out of time and Ryan has to carefully explain Diana’s number for tonight. Rumor has it that 1-866-IDOLS-13 is actually a sex line so they had to give number 13 a special number. Remember last year when I tried voting for Cook and I kept getting what I feared was a sex line? 

Kauly Jo: HAHAHA.  the girl with the porn line singing Dirty Diana.  when did Idol get on the sex train??

Seacrest announces another change for tomorrow night. Damn you, Idol! Don't make me say things I can't take back!

So who goes home tomorrow? I guess Jasmine, Arm Tattoo, or one of those other people who’s names I don’t know. 

Also, Kelly Clarkson is here and I go lesbian for 3-5 minutes. 

March 5, 2009 - Tatiana? Tatiana? We love you. Seek professional help, dear.

Damnit, Idol. We discussed this Thursday night thing and it throwing off my equilibrium last week. How dare you disrespect my equilibrium like that. After all its done for you! Also, you preempt Bones and I don't appreciate that.

THIS is American Idol... According to Seacrest anyway. According to me, its Americal Crapol. I'd rather watch American Pie than this, and I hate that movie. Did you hear me, Randy Jackson? I'd rather watch someone have sex with a pie than this and its all your fault.

Oooh, Ricky Braddy. But the judges have already decided who they're choosing anyway, I'm sure, and I'd be really surprised if Ricky was among them.

I'm not sure how this is gonna work tonight. Are they going to sing the same crap-ass songs that didn't get them into the top 12 in the first place or did they have to learn a whole new song in the last 24 hours? That's kind of harsh, but then again, pulling it off is the mark of a professional. Like if Clay Aiken was sitting in the audience right now and Ryan was like, "Dude, we need some filler.  Will you sing?" Then he'd get up and sing the most beautiful rendition of 'Rainbow Connection' anybody’s ever heard.

Scott is sitting with the other Chosen Ones and has this expression like, “Where am I? Are we live? I can’t see the ‘On Air’ sign. Is DannyGokey still wearing that stupid smile that Patti described to me during a 6 hour phone call last night?”

Jesse is singing that “tell me something good“ song.  I don’t like it, but her dad is all “WHOOOO!!” Randy calls it “just alright” and I agree with him even though we’re not speaking because of that whole Tatiana thing last night. Simon calls it indulgent which I totally agree. I call it boring, also. Jesse shamelessly flirts with Simon. Oh puke. Sit down.

Matt G. is wearing a stupid hat and scarf, but he‘s cute in his video package so it‘s okay. He’s singing a song I love called, ’Who’s Lovin’ You’.  Kara thanks the real Matt for returning instead of the imposter Matt we had last week. Paula’s all like, “blah blah, don’t sing Coldplay ever again, cause this was awesome”. Simon calls it a billion times better than last week, but hates what Matt’s wearing. The scarf does kind of make him look like he’s got Malaria.

Arm Tattoo has a face of something from a Wax Museum. She’s singing that song I hate about a horse and a cherry tree. 

JuleahFaye: the washing machine hip dance thing is BACK

roarimaraptor: and she didn't have the decency to cover that evil on her arm 

JuleahFaye: SERIOUSLY

roarimaraptor: i'm so glad i'm not the one for her

Paula starts out by saying she looks beautiful tonight, which means she sucked vocally.  But then she says it was a good choice for her, so I’m confused. Simon loves on her FOREVER and I‘m still confused. Maybe I should have paid attention to her actual singing instead of imagining up ways to get rid of the tattoo.

Von is singing ‘Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word’. He’s singing it like an annoying little kid whining. God, Von. I was neutral about you until just now. 

  

JuleahFaye: he looks like a young frankie munez

JuleahFaye: where are your brothers, malcom?

roarimaraptor: ha!!!

roarimaraptor: HAHAHAHA!

roarimaraptor: he does!

JuleahFaye: i KNOW

JuleahFaye: he's almost a twin

JuleahFaye: what's that movie when he's the spy? 

JuleahFaye: it's like frankie then

JuleahFaye: like he's going to bump into hillary duff and have an adventure

JuleahFaye: and they'll stumble through early sales success on their tween targetted albums and then fall in love on the big screen.  but later one will have a dui and the other an eating disorder

Simon likes Von and Simon likes the song, but he did not like the coupling of Von and the song. Simon says he was too serious, but if he was acting silly like Nick, Simon would have told him to stop and act serious. So make up your mind, Simon Cowell, or I’ll make it up for you. Randy and Kara weren’t crazy about the song choice. Paula talks about the “technical part” of singing, which is the singing part of it, and that he didn’t do it so well. But underneath that he is a brilliant singer. Says Paula.

Kauly Jo: ps.  i think von smith's downfall is not that he's too worried but that he sang a clay aiken cover of an elton john song, and let's be honest...even American Idol can only handle so much gay

Jasmine is next and she’s singing ‘Reflection’. Every season a girl tries to sing this song and is told it’s too big for her. This time is no different. Except they thought she was good compared to others. 

Ricky is magnificently dressed in a white dress shirt (untucked), a grey vest, and a red tie. He’s also sporting a most splendid fauxhawk. He’s singing ‘Superstition’.  It’s awesome. I’d gladly suffer from superstition if Ricky was the cure. Also, if we could listen to The Cure and watch the movie The Cure together.  This is so awesome. It’s so awesome that stupid girls scream and it doesn’t even annoy me. The judges have mixed feelings towards it. I disapprove of their opinions. 

Tatiana is like an infected limb that got cut off but keeps growing back so many times that you just want to light it on fire. I swear I will not go to the tour if she's there. Not even if Ricky, Adam, and Scott promised to join hands and play ring around the rosie with me. Her accent comes and goes in her video package. As Ryan introduces her, he’s on his knees with his hands together like he’s praying this will end someday soon. Oh no! She’s singing a song I like!! ‘Saving All My Love For You’. Having an affair with a married man and expecting him to actually leave his wife for you is just as stupid as the idea of Tatiana still being here. I hate that she can sing, cause she’s so clearly and completely bipolar. She yells “thank you” to Paula about 18 times and then babbles in a stupid half-accent that Kara calls her on. She pulls a Jorge and says that it’s because she gets excited and thinks in Spanish and it confuses her and that’s the stupidest excuse I’ve ever heard. Simon tells her to stop singing this same song every week. Her and Simon argue over why she picked this song AGAIN and then Simon punches Randy in the face for subjecting us to this nonsense in the first place. Then for some reason Tatiana is on her knees and Ran tells her she can stay there and then realizes what he said and gets on his knees before she can follow through on what he accidentally implied.

I don’t get the whole Anoop thing. He’s singing ‘Premonition’. It’s the same thing as you remember him doing last time. The audience cheers forever. It was good, but not great. The judges go on and on and I don’t even know what they’re saying. Anoop gives props to Chapel Hill for reasons I don’t know. 

Ryan calls Jasmine to the center of the stage. Randy tells her that she in the top 12. I have no opinion on that. 

Ryan calls Ricky front and center. Kara breaks my heart and sends Ricky home. 

Ryan calls Tatiana and Arm Tattoo to the stage….. Thank God. Arm Tattoo is in and Tatiana is not. Tatiana stands on the floor in front of where the judges sit with her head down like a 3 year old. Seriously, my 3 year old niece does this when she’s mad. 

Ryan calls Jesse to the stage and she is not in the top 12. 

Ryan calls Von down. Paula tells him he did not make it. 

Now it’s down to Matt and Anoop. I know how I want this to go… but I also know how it’s going to go… omg! I was wrong!! Matt is in!!! MATT IS IN!! 

Wait… then Simon drops the bomb that this year it will be a top 13 and Anoop is in… what? My head just exploded. Why don’t we just bring the whole 36 here and make it a top 36? Nothing against Anoop. He’s a good singer, but it’s not like he’s sooo good that you have to rewrite the entire format of the show to include him.  

I was just about to write about how I wasn’t going to watch this show anymore… and then Ryan said Kelly Clarkson will be here LIVE NEXT WEEK! OMG!!! 

March 4, 2009 - This is how a heart breaks

What if Scott was in the finale and he was like, "Sike! I'm not blind at all! Suckers!!" And then grabs the keys to the Ford Jetta or whatever car the finalists are given this year, cackles like a Joker, and then runs off, never to be seen from again? That'd be awesome.

THIS is American Idol.

Ryan is wearing a suit and slightly loosened black tie. That is so hot. He lies, in this beautiful tie, that the judges will be providing us insight tonight. Oh Ryan, you do have such a wonderful sense of humor. Since lies are in the air tonight, Paula says this is like the best group of 12 ever. 

We get a montage of everything from the auditions until now - including Nathaniel having been through a lot, Scott being born blind, Ju’Not’s baby, people screaming, more people screaming, Jorge being Latino, Scott wanting to be an inspiration, and people crying - all set to the tune of ‘A Daily Anthem‘. I hope this is the goodbye song this year. Not because it’s relevant, just cause I love it. 

The group song tonight is ‘Hot and Cold’. The girls suck and Kristen looks drunk. The guys all sit down as they sing, I think for the benefit of Scott. Nobody wants to see him fall off the stage. The girls walk down the stairs, but no matter how hard I pray, none of them fall. Alex looks lost. It doesn’t sound bad, but if you have vision, like I do, it’s ugly to watch. I love Scott, really, but it’s go to be soooo awkward to be him. I can’t stand being surrounded by a bunch of people on or off stage, but if I was and couldn’t even see them? I’d freak out. 

Remember when we were all Von needed to get by? Remember when Ju’not made ‘Delilah’ an even more painful, drawn out death for me then it was when the original group sang it? When Felicia kind of looked like Kimberly Caldwell, but sang good and didn‘t make me want to scrub my face with bleach? Remember when Alex was awesome and awful wrapped into one tortilla shell? Remember how I decided, at this very moment right now, that I never want to see Kristen’s face again?  Remember when Kara wanted to go shopping with Taylor for shirts for Simon or something? Remember when this was for the girls and then Nathaniel wanted to do anything for love? And Jorge was from Puerto Rico and I wanted to marry Scott?

Note to self: Download ‘Mandolin Rain’

Nathaniel says he wouldn’t have changed anything about his performance last night, but he’s not wearing his headband now as Ryan points out. Jorge is still from Puerto Rico. Ju’not had an asthma attack during rehearsal or something. And then something about Felicia and something.

Ryan tells Lill Rounds to stand up and everyone screams. Why do I feel a yawn coming on? I think it’s because she’s in the top 12. I’m so bored already. She acts like Fantasia in her excitement and it’s just annoying. You know she’ll be hear, just skating by, until the top 4. Then next season at this time, I won’t even be able to remember her name, like I can’t remember that whats-her-name who was third last season. Her hair is kind of cool, but she’s wearing a checkered table cloth as  a skirt. She sings her song from last night, which I don’t even recognize as a song I’ve ever heard anybody sing ever. 

I was looking at the ratings for this show and it says “Rated L for Infrequent Coarse Language and D for Some Suggestive Dialogue.” HA! 

He has Arianna, Alex, Taylor, Kendall, and Scott please stand up, please stand up.  Arianna is not in the top 12, which is good because I can’t even remember what she sang last night. Neither is Taylor, which is fine because we already have a Taylor. I want to swap hoodie’s with Alex, but he’s out, so I can never live out that dream. The Kendall and The Scott stand alone, as if Kendall would be in over Scott. Scott is in and him and Alex awkwardly hug. 

Note to my readers: Please call me Mrs. Scott Macintyre from now on. And that’s not the first time I’ve had that last name. The last time it was spelled Mcintyre. Ya’ll know who I’m talking about. 

I just added Mandolin Rain to my Myspace music player. Like it or lump it. 

Ryan’s got bedroom eyes tonight.

Ew, he calls Kristen to the stage with Nathaniel. I want him to stab her with one of his nose rings. He could take her, she looks so stoned. It’s a no for Natheniel right now and a never again for Kristen. Von and Felicia - or as I like to call her, “That Kimberly Caldwell chick” cause she reminds me of her in the oddest of ways.  It’s a no for both of them. Jorge and Ju’not are called down to the stage. If I wasn’t so lazy, I’d turn the TV off and leave the room right now, because this is nonsense.  

A good laugh is had by all when Ryan makes them think they have to wait until after the break but then they don’t. Jorge has 7 different kind of break downs when Ryan announces him in and Simon looks just as displeased as I feel. Well, I’m not really displeased. Nothing personal against Jorge, but there’s others I liked better. 

I hate this top 12. 

Ryan reintroduces us to the top 9 already and I only care about Adam, Scott, Kris, Kelly Montana, and Scott’s blind seeing eye guy. 

Even my computer can’t stand DannyGokey cause it crapped out just as I was typing the last part. By the time it turned back on, Von was in and Kara was telling Jasmine and her giant forehead that she needs to “kill us” with song choice. Paula chooses Ricky Braddy! I love you Paula!! I want to now be known as Mrs. Ricky Braddy. Simon chooses that crazy Megan with her crazy, creepy arm tattoo. 

Randy’s next pick is Tatiana… um, okay, Randy needs to be fired. First he picks Caldwell, then he comes back and does this. You are DEAD to me, Randy Jackson! DEAD! This is so effin’ STUPID. It’s not funny anymore. The tragedy of Tatiana was only funny for like the first 15 seconds and then it got stupid and annoying.

I hope Scott “accidentally” bumps into her and knocks her ass down the steps. Kara picks Matt G. Paula picks Jesse. Who are these people they’re picking? I don’t know these people!! They aren’t even picking actual people!! 

Simon picks… Anoop…

I’m not watching this show. They just passed up several good - or at least, entertaining - people to pick a handful of …. People I forget even existed until now. And even now that the camera is off of them, I’ve forgotten them.

I’m not watching this show anymore. What else is on Tuesdays and Wednesdays at 7?

March 3, 2009 - Someday I’ll pay the bills with this guitar

The Brother - "What if I got pregnant when I was 16?"

Me - "I'd be concerned that you had a uterus."

The Brother - "No, I mean what if I got someone pregnant."

Me - "That's not what you said."

The Brother - "You know what I meant."

Me - "But that's not what you said!"

The Brother - "You know what I meant!"

Me - "I'm gonna write this down!"

 

THIS is American Idol

 

*dances to theme*

The Brother would like me to inform you that he’s “very very very excited” about Nathaniel and he’ll be voting for two hours after the show and everyone else should vote for only Nathaniel and no one else. I do not endorse this opinion, I am just the messenger. 

 

Everybody’s wearing what they usually wear tonight and hot seeing eye guy is back!! We don’t want Scott falling down those winding stairs. DannyGokey, sure. Scott, no. 

Von Smith is first and I can’t remember if I developed an opinion on him during the Hollywood rounds or not. He’s singing a song I do not know which is way too low for him. It goes on forever and I kind of feel like I’m watching a performance at a junior high summer camp or something. But maybe I went to some high scale summer camp, because the judges thought he was awesome. Hmmm. The judges are like pissing themselves over how great they think he is, but I just want to turn away and open my bag of Dill Pickle chips.  They compare him to Clay, but I don’t see it. I hope Ryan didn’t hear it though or he might try to rape him. 

Taylor is 17 and she’s from Utah. She kind of looks like David Archuleta if he was a girl. Actually, no. She looks like David Archuleta if he was a boy who then became a girl. Oh God, she’s singing Alicia Keys. She’s just lucky I’m too lazy to leave the room. This is like the worst rendition of ’If I Can’t Have You’ I’ve ever heard  and I’ve heard a lot of renditions.  Kara tells Taylor that she wants to know what it’s like to go shopping with her and she should have shown that through song. Paula uses the word “perplexed” and Simon needs the shopping thing cleared up cause he has people he pays to do shopping for him. He wants to know what kind of cereal she likes but she doesn’t answer because she’s too busy trying not to cry.  Ryan’s all like “Why are you crying?” and she lies that they are tears of joy. As are mine, Taylor. As are mine. Then Ryan and Simon argue over each other’s pants.

Alex is so nervous and geeky hanging out on the red couch with Ryan and then they make jokes about spotting each other at the gym. I’d date him. I would. OMG… he’s singing a song I love!! I WOULD DATE HIM!  He’s practically an ultrasound, but he’s legal. He’s Singing ‘I guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues’, which is on my list of favorite songs of all times. I can’t tell if he’s sucking or not. It’s very possible that this is atrocious, but it could also be beautiful.  I don’t know. But Paula calls it “entertaining” which mean it probably was god awful vocally.  Simon didn’t like it, of course. Alex looks very sad, like he might cry. He clutches Ryan’s hand. I wish I could marry them in some weird non-sexual three way wedding. Kind of like the one I wanted to have with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, only this wedding will eventually become dirty. I’m just sayin’. 

Arianna is singing ‘The Winner Takes It All’. Simon calls it “too big” and “dreary”. Simon’s all like, “I liked you before, but not anymore, now get off the stage.” I’m paraphrasing, but you know what I mean. The judges all used to think she was cute as a button but not anymore. Kara says this. And then she encourages Arianna to “touch people”. I think we’ve had enough trouble with contestants touching others, Kara. I know you’re new here, but get with the program. 

The Brother - “What was her name again?”

Me - “Arianna… Oh God, you’re not gonna vote for her are you?”

The Brother - “No I’m telling others too. I don’t have time for this.”

Ju’ Not is singing something by Plain White Tees and this can only turn out ugly.  He’s actually making it pretty, but I hate that Delilah song. He looks like Grizz or Dot Com from 30 Rock. The judges love it. 

Nathaniel still has baby cheeks. Ryan is sitting on the couch with him and Kristen and asks why they couldn’t get along in Hollywood and they call out the other chick who was in their group. Kristen’s all phony about how things are cool between her and Nathaniel. Then I miss her performance because of this: 

Me - “Someone just said, “god, i forget that nathaniel is on this show and then he shows up like a flaming seagull!”

The Brother - “That’s not funny!! How could you forget about Nathaniel!”

Kristen calls Kara “Ma’am” and then Kara lies that her hair looks better. Then they’re all like, “Sing Kelly Clarkson songs!!” and I’m like, “God! How dare they?!!” The judges all feel like they don’t know her anymore and she looks like she wants to curse them out but can’t because she knows Ryan Seacrest will destroy her. 

I wish someone would just give Nathaniel a little bit of love. He needs some sort of constant in his life and that’s why he clings to music so. Or at least that’s my non-professional psychological evaluation of Nathaniel. He’s singing ‘I Would Do Anything For Love’. I’ve been waiting all my life for someone to sing this song on Idol!! Actually, my dream was for Kelly and Clay to do this as a duet on tour, but noooo, they had to do ‘Open Arms‘. Anyway, this is pretty good.

Kauly Jo: oh god.  i almost threw up in my mouth

Kauly Jo: i thought his tattoo was chest hair

Kauly Jo: i'm still gagging

roarimaraptor: now you know how i feel when i see kim caldwell!!

roarimaraptor: you laughed at me then!

Simon calls it “uncomfortable” because he’s all weird about the gays. But then he calls him fun. Nathaniel picked this song because him and his mom used to sing it before she got herself carted off to prison and let her son be bounced from family member to family member. Ryan runs out into the audience to hold Nathaniel’s grandma’s hand and harass her a little bit. Then Paula stumbles over the word “meatloaf”.

Ryan drags Nathaniel over to Simon and tries to get them to make out, but Simon only has lips for Ryan,s o instead he gives Simon his headband. Then Paula molests Nathaniel.

Felicia Barton is the girl who was cut and then brought back because Joanna Paciti was cut. And by the way the other day I was shuffling my play list and a song by Joanna came on. I know, right? Anyway, Felicia is singing ‘No One’ by Alicia Keys. I kind of like this song and I’m not an Alicia Keys fan. I’m not a Felicia fan either, but she’s pretty good… wait… she kind of looks like Caldwell in a black wig! Down with Felicia! But she doesn’t make me twitch and itch when she looks into the camera, so I guess it’s okay. She seems down to earth and I like that.

SCOTT! The moment I’ve been waiting for since this season started! I hope Ryan tries to high five him again. Scott's hair is still a hot ass mess. Maybe someone should do something about that. There is so much I want to do, but only so much I can do. He’s singing  ‘Mandolin Rain’. I want him to get into the top 12 so he can DESTROY DannyGokey! 

Kauly Jo: the sad part is he has better audience interaction than a lot of these people, and he can't even see them

roarimaraptor: i was thinking the same thing

The judges all dance around his blindness instead of just coming right out and saying that his ass is blind. Everybody already knows!! Unless they’re blind themselves, you can tell just by looking at him. Randy gives him props, Kara claims that he moves mountains, Paula says something about something, and Simon calls him the only one he’ll remember from tonight. Him and Ryan get all touchy feely and then Scott insists they high five. Awesome. I love him. I want to marry Scott. If I have to, I could trick him by having him sign a wedding paper by telling him it’s something else. “Please sign this and we will have a brand new piano delivered to your home… SIKE! Now we’re married!! WHOOO!”

Back from commercial, Ryan is in Randy’s seat and Randy starts acting drunk. Then Kara starts acting goofy and we got to Kendall’s video package. Kendall’s wearing a scrunchie as a dress since she’s the size of a small to medium sized pony-tail. She’s singing ‘This One’s For The Girls’. Why do all the girls suck tonight? The judges are like, “Meh, you’re cute.”  She’s the size of Ryan’s arm, which never ever happens to him.

Jorge is singing ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me’. Okay, guys, this is the last time I’m going to say this. This song GOT CLAY AIKEN INTO THE COMPETITION. Don’t sing it if you can’t blow him out of the water. Cause even if you’re awesome, you’re not, because Clay rocked this song forever and you can‘t be better than that. Paula praises him all over and Simon’s like, “You heart him, don’t you?” The judges are all over because they didn’t get the Clay memo I just now sent out.  They’re like rolling over about how awesome he was, but I didn’t see it. Jorge cries like crazy and speaks crazy in Spanish. 

Kauly Jo: Damn it!  Tiny Boobs got pimp spot

Kauly Jo: lil rounds sounds like a euphemism for tiny boobs to me

Lil Rounds is a ridiculous name and I want to not vote for her just for that. Not that I planned on voting anyway, but you know what I mean. She’s wearing what looks like a giant, yellow envelope as a shirt. This is boring. She’s the best vocally, of course, but it’s like… so what? Simon calls her brilliant, but it’s like… so what?  Randy says has “unbelievable vocals”, but it’s like… so what?  Kara calls her a powerhouse, but it’s like… so what? Paula loves her, but it’s like… so what?

My guess for tomorrow are Scott and Lil Rounds, even though that’s a totally stupid name. I don’t know about the third person. I’d kind of like to see Nate get in, but only because I saw a you tube video of him singing ‘Bleeding Love’ and it was awesome. Also, because I can’t remember anybody else from tonight. I’d say Alex but I don’t think he can get his shit together enough to last in the top 12.