January 14, 2009 - Kansas City, here I come

Yeah I took a Jackson 5 song and made a lame joke out of it. What are you gonna do about it? I’ll tell you what you’re going to do. Nothing! Because this… is American Idol. Tonight, we’re hitting Kansas City.  From the past! Cause this was taped last summer. I hope they find David Cook again!!

In the stadium, Ryan spins women around and hugs them and I get angry because I went to two different auditions for season 4 and he wasn’t there at either one. There’s a stupid “KC/DC” sign in the audience and I immediately go to the Caldwell/Cook place even though he dumped her ass. Huzzah!!

The judges arrive and somebody asks if they’re in Missouri or Kansas, Jason Castro molests Paula Abdul while his brother waits to audition, and nobody cares that Kara is there. 

Kelly: HAHAHA... and crickets chirp for kara's arrival

Chelsea looks like a typical Carrie Underwood cookie cutter, only she can’t sing. Simon  says she sounds like a cat falling of the Empire State Building. And when they pulled the cats body out of the twisted burning wreck, it looked like THIS… Sorry. I can’t resist a good Pee Wee’s Big Adventure quote. Out in the hall, Chelsea says she feels like crying, but I think it’s more because of Ryan’s ugly shirt than anything else.

Why are they playing an Idol commercial DURING Idol? I feel like I’m in Menards, where are they always play that song overhead trying to convince you to shop at Menards even though you’re ALREADY THERE. I don’t complain though, because it’s the David Cook version and ya’ll know how I love me some Cook.

 

Casey Carlson is singing “A Thousand Miles” and all I can think about is that scene in White Chicks where the one Wayon turns the song on the radio cause he thinks it’ll turn off the black guy but he loves it and starts singing along. The judges all say yes and then the real version of “A Thousand Miles” starts playing and she runs away and everybody in the hall screams. And then Casey screams. But ya know what? I don’t hate her. Hmmm. 

Brian is a large boy with a beard, a V neck tee, cowboy boots, and a hairy chest. It’s like he’s trying to be David Cook. Nobody can be David Cook! David Cook couldn’t even tell you how to be David Cook! He just IS!! Anyway, Brian sings an Aretha song, is horrible, and Simon uses the word horrendous a few times. They try to tell him no, but he starts screaming a Josh Grobin song.  It’s too bad. I would have liked this guy… if he wasn’t himself. If he was somebody else entirely, I just might like him. He tells the camera he won’t cry, which leads us into a montage of people crying and/or screaming overdramatically and I run off to you tube that episode of Family Guy where Stewie auditioned.

Ryan is out on the streets in Kansas City harassing David Cooks parents who just happen to be crossing the street, while his version of “Billy Jean” plays in the background. This is a set up for Ryan to say they all hope they’d find some talent of David Cook’s caliber. Ha! Keep dreaming Seacrest, keep dreaming. 

Somebody sings bad, a fat gay guy sings “Reflection”, another guy sings really bad. Then yet another guy sings about how he used to be blind and then  now he can see. I wonder if Seacrest ever tried to high five him.  A cute boy with a stupid hat sings “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” very loud. Maybe if he wasn’t screaming it, he might actually sound good. It’s hard to tell seeing as how I just lost my hearing due to the high volumes at which he sang. I wonder if Seacrest will try and “Marco Polo” me. The cute boy is named Von. The judges like him and Kara likes his “big instrument.” Now we’ve got to deal with Kara trying to get with young boys too, on top of Paula. And sometimes, me. 

Jason Castro’s brother Michael is auditioning and has the nerve to call Jason “more girly” than him even though he’s sitting there with his baby carrying hips. His interviewing skills are just as bad as Jason’s. Ryan sits in between them as they argue over what “more girly” means. Once they decide it means more emotional and not gay, Ryan gets up and leaves.

Kelly: ryan's like "How am I the one with the most testosterone here???"

Michael’s pretty good considering the fact that he only started singing 20 days ago. He’d make a good lead singer in a punk-country band, but I don‘t think he‘ll make a good Idol. Simon calls him “goodish”, Kara calls him “ballsy“.  They all give him a yes.

Dude, I wanna see Mall Cop.

Ryan predicts that we’re going to get some crappy singers. And we do!! 

Matt is a big, bald man. He got married and had a kid and now he can’t sing so much. It’s  Chris Daughtry! It’s an older, balder version of Chris Daughtry!! I say balder because he has a much bigger head. I like him already cause I like nice family men. He’s singing “Ain’t No Sunshine”. And guess who he sounds like? Chris Daughtry!! Put him through!!

Isn’t it weird how I hate the girls who sound like somebody who already exists yet I love the guys who sound like guys who already exist? Yeah, I’m totally sexist like that. And as they put him through to Hollywood, a Daughtry song starts playing.  But I called it first. 

“Jazz” has pink, blue, and purple and she can’t sing. As she’s singing “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” she opens her mouth so wide that Seacrest might accidentally fall in if he got too close. When she finishes singing, nobody says anything. They all just stare until she picks her hat up off the floor, puts it on her head, and walks out of the room with the rest of her dignity tucked in her back pocket. 

Jessica yells and yells at her Grandma, but it’s only because she can’t hear very well. Not because she’s mean. Well, she might be mean. But we don’t know that. All we know is she takes care of her Grandmother and that is nice. She’s singing “Cry Baby” which is one of my favorite songs ever and I can’t wait to hear somebody sing it on this show. Only not her.  But the judges disagree and she’s going to Hollywood, baby. I keep accidentally typing “abby” instead of baby. Abby something… abby… normal.

People hug each other and fall in love while waiting to auditions. Some people already love each other. Like sisters Asia and India , who kind of look like Mandisa and Paris. Or remind me of them anyway. They joke about being twins and I like them. They’ve decided to forgo singing and instead rap a song for Randy. The judges make them stop rapping and start singing. Asia sucks, but India is good.  Asia is through and India is not. Out in the hall, two of their family members try to hump Ryan and he looks considerably more joyful about it then he did when Bikini Whore kissed him yesterday.

A guy with a weird head and a weird haircut sings very well. They tell him he’s too loud even though at least two people have sang even louder than that already and nobody said a thing then. But he’s through anyway. I hope he brings a scandal to the show. We’re overdue for one. We didn’t have any last year. The closest thing to a scandal was the assumption I made that Brooke White was probably lying about never having seen a Rated R movie. What happened to the good old days of identity stealing and throwing phones at your baby momma? The days of lying about your age and lying about the time you were arrested for beating up your sister? What happened?!!

Danny is a 28 year old music teacher. His best friend is the guy with the weird head and weird haircut. They kept showing him before every commercial break for the past hour and I was making fun of him because I assumed he was crying about that time he had acne and the doctor said there was nothing he could do for him. But you know why he was really crying? Cause his wife died a month ago!! I’m so going to hell now. So I take back all the jokes I hadn’t written about him yet. He’s singing that song about how sound waves travel through the vines of grapes and he heard them! He’s cute. He’s good. Judges call him the best, they all knuckle punch him, and then he goes to Hollywood.

Kelly: he's awesome.

Kelly: but...

Kelly: you have to wonder if the producers didn't write somewhere on the bio sheets, "wife died like yesterday.  be nice!!!"

A bunch of girls are really bad all in a row, which further proves my theory that most women just don’t belong on this show. 

Anoop has a serious unibrow problem. But I don’t doubt that Ryan will take him under his wing and  take care of that. I’m pretty sure Ryan has a standing waxing appointment at least once a month. He’ll bring Anoop along. Cause Anoop’s going to Hollywood. 

A collection of people suck of “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” (or “signed, seed, the limit” if you‘re certain people who think learning the lyrics to a song don‘t apply to you). Someday I’m gonna jump out of a box on Ryan’s doorstep singing this song. And I’ll sound just as bad as these people. But my voice will be filled with love and that’s the difference. THAT’S the difference. 

Ryan bull craps us about how since it’s season 8, gimmicks aren’t going to work anymore. Yet… here we are, watching a montage of gimmicks. And let us not forget the bikini girl from yesterday. 

Speaking of gimmicks… Andrew has brought two cheerleaders to cheer him on. I hate cheerleaders. But they didn’t bother to learn the new judge’s name and… I sort of respect that. They’re funny anyway. So Andrew skips in and is totally gay and is singing “My Girl” and he’s really good. Simon doesn’t think so and neither does anybody else. Now I’m sad. But oh well. The cheerleaders cry out in the hall and then Ryan leads them in a spirit cheer. 

Then a band director is awesome. He sings “The Way You Make Me Feel”. Simon likes him but doesn’t understand the song choice. Everybody says yes and everybody in the hall screams and Ryan gets all limp wristed and  cheers along with Band Directors cute little girl. Ryan with kids makes my ovaries hurt.  I want to have his babies. And I really mean that. Not like when I say I want to have David Cook’s babies and what I really mean is that I want to make wild love to him and if I happen to get pregnant, then so be it. 

Michael is 20 years old and has a special Olympics medal that someone convinced him was for “best vocalizing in music class” back in grade school. He calls himself a star that has been undiscovered.  His mother doesn’t support him… and for good reason. He’s singing an original song that is really bad.  Vocally, I mean. Maybe even lyrically, but I’m not really listening. It’s a sweet song and he says he wrote it for his mother. Simon wants to hear the one he wrote for his Grandmother. Which he does and it’s just as bad. Vocally. I’m not judging lyrics tonight. They laugh at him that it’s the same song. Mean judges!! They send him and his special Olympics medal out into the hall where he cries and refuses to make eye contact with the camera. I hope someday Constantine will learn from this. And learn from it well. 

Ryan does a black people handshake with someone in the hall. Someone who had a dream about Simon last night. Not a dirty dream he says, but I think he’s lying. I want to have a dirty Seacrest song. Anyway, he’s singing a Chris Brown song and… wait, is this Chris Brown? Chris Brown can’t really sing, so singing one of his songs probably isn’t the best choice for an audition. His voice when he speaks kind of sounds like… any black girl from any season of this show. He begs to be let through because he has no dignity.  But they let him through anyway, because of think of the things they could do to him in the Hollywod rounds. Ya know, with the lack of dignity and all. Ryan does fancy black people handshakes with him again in the hall. I hope he sticks around just for that. 

I’m so sick of hearing about Bikini Girl! She’s ruining our lives and eating all of our steak! Go HOME!!

Blozor: I don't think you'll hear about her long.

Blozor: She'll be in the back of a Penthouse, or on her back in a Penthouse, in less than six months.

Simon makes fun of a Paula fan, some people sing really bad, other people are going to Hollywood, and someone falls asleep in the holding room. Then she auditions really badly and they send her away. She goes on a rant about how the judges are cutting EVERYBODY and God will punish them because she is a singer! She calls herself a singer kinda like how I sometimes refer to slot machines as videos games and get myself stabbed by video gamers. 

 

Lil Rounds has an awesome name and an awesome voice. But she’s really just another black girl with a great voice. Tamyra, Trenyce, Fantasia. They’re all the same. She’ll make it into the top ten though. And I won’t hate her.  Neither will the judges. They all say yes.  She’s so happy out in the hall and happy people make Seacrest happy and a happy Seacrest makes a happy Patti.