February 26, 2009 - What. Have. You. Done.

I’m not supposed  to be recapping on Thursday nights. My equilibrium is all thrown off! Damn you, Obama!! 

The contestants are lined up in two rows along the stage and Ryan walks in between. You know he totally wants to stop and play London Bridges.  He says,  “What. Have. You. Done.” and stares straight at Nick. Him and the judges talk about something or other and I just don’t listen because ... I don't know why. 

Remember when Matt was a welder and the other Matt dueled with pianos? And then people screamed and acted like idiots and Kai went to Hollywood and Adam is all pale and washed out and gets told he could be a winner? Remember there were a bunch of girls we don’t remember in Hollywood? And also, Nick Mitchell?  It’s okay if you don’t, cause they show a montage that goes on forever.

The medley tonight is a Ne-yo song. Adam is David Cook levels of hot, Matt G. looks like someone I know but don’t know, Nick keeps his wonderful craziness reined in, and the girls are just sort of there. The whole song is basically sung by Adam and Matt G. so I guess we know who’s getting into the top 12. Nice way to be subtle, Idol. Nice. Although, this is actually NOT complete ass. Medleys were beautiful wonderful dreams during season 2, but after that they were the scariest things ever. I don’t know what to do with a medley that doesn’t completely suck. 

Remember how Ryan looked like a little high school student, but still I wanted to do him? Remember how Simon was a sassy pants? Remember when Matt was a welder? Remember how we never found out what happens to the broken hearted? Remember how Nick was just messing around but was still better than like 83% of the contestants last night?  And yeah I totally did the math to get that number. Wanna make something of it?

Remember that time I asked you if you wanted to make some of it? Remember how Jasmine refuse to write us a love song. Remember how I was driving home from work today listening to ‘Love Song’ and thinking about how if it was sung by a guy I’d be all like, “What an ass! Why doesn’t that guy just tell her he loves her. Jerk!” but since it’s sung by a girl I’m all like, “That guy sounds clingy and needy! How annoying!! I don‘t blame her for not loving him!”? Remember how Kelly Montana wanted to get us alone? Remember how Adam Lambert was so awesome my head exploded?

The Sister-in-law - “I like the one with the eyes.”

The Brother - “Which one with the eyes?”

The Sister-in-law - “The one with the eyes!!”

The Brother - “Which one! They all have eyes!”

The Sister-in-law - *points to Adam* “That one!”

I’m pretty sure I can see Ryan’s reflection in Matt The Welder’s bald head. They talk to Matt for like an hour and then ask somebody how hard song selection is and she says it’s sooooo hard. But ya know what? It’s not, really. I’m not even on this show and I’d make kick ass choices. All it takes is a little common sense and maybe asking Adam Lambert his opinion. 

Alexis, Michael, and fucking DannyGokey are sitting in their drinking fountain stool standing behind three empty drinking fountain stools. And in case you were wondering, yes, DannyGokey is still wearing those glasses. You know what glasses I’m talking about.

roarimaraptor: omg!! what if i fall in love with danny gokey?

roarimaraptor: patti gokey would be the WORST NAME EVER

SweetyPi9897: omg it would be

SweetyPi9897: hahaha i could see you doing that though

roarimaraptor: and then i would probably die and he'd go on like celebrity apprentice or something and show pictures of us everyday

SweetyPi9897: hahahhahahahaahahahahahahahahha

SweetyPi9897: probably

roarimaraptor: i will never forgive myself if i love him

roarimaraptor: i will disown myself

SweetyPi9897: i'll disown you too

Kelly Montana is called to the stage first and then the same girl who thinks she knows something about song choices. Next brought down is Matt The Welder…. And Kelly Montana is in the top 12. She does another kick ass performance of ‘Alone’ and then we go to commercial. 

Kris and Megan are brought to the stage together. I’m ignoring Megan’s tattoo, because I refuse to acknowledge the tattoo. Acknowledging it gives it power. And who knows what an evil tattoo would do with power. Kris is hot though. Wow. I like that looking at him shows us what Archie would look like if it were possible for him to ever grow into a man. Kris and Megan are pushed to the side and Matt G. and some girl who’s name I don’t know come to the stage. Ryan calls her “dude”, but I don’t think that’s her name. It doesn’t matter cause she’s out. Then Matt is out. Wait, what? This is wrong. This is so wrong! But Kris is hot. Simon crosses his arms and gets upset, but I don’t understand why because he didn’t really like any of them anyway. Kara talks for so long that Simon tells her to “take her time” and then they argue and then Ryan tells them both to shut up because he’s got results to deliver. 

Megan and her tattoo is out. And Grown Archie is in the top 12. I miss Matt already, but Kris is beauty. And then he sings about the man in the mirror. But the thing is? HE’S the man in the mirror. That’s what this song is about. 

Back from commercial, Ryan sits in the third drinking fountain stool which gives us a glimpse of what the top 12 would like if Ryan Seacrest was in it. And it is beautiful.

We are treated to  Beautiful Clay, Simon and Paula kissing, Brokeback cowboys, people being stupid at auditions, dumb guy throwing water on Simon and staining his shirt. Geeky guy on stage, David Hasselhoff, Brittenums, that effin’ crying Sanjaya girl, Kellie Pickler, William Hung, Elliot’s Mom, crying Fantasia, crying Jordin Sparks, crying Carrie Underwood, crying Kelly Clarkson, crying David Cook, and sweaty Ruben Studdard.

The Mother - “Was that Kelly Clarkson?”

The Brother - “Pickler!”

Me - “How dare you mix the two up!!”

OMG! Brooke White is here!! I hope she messes up, stops, and starts over. She advises us never to google ourselves. Well, she advises the contestants that. If I google myself, I get pages that belong to people that aren’t even me. But if I google “Patti Seacrest”, I get a page that says “Ryan Seacrest called police over fears he has a stalker.” HAHAHA!! That is so awesome. 

Anyway, back to Brooke. She’s singing a new song of hers and I love it. I love this Brooke!! She’s wearing giant hoop earrings prompting The Brother to say, “You know what they about hoops? The bigger the hoops, the bigger the ho.” 

I totally forgot we were doing a results show.  Ryan calls the remaining 5 contestants to the stage and has them line up and I wonder why we’re even bothering pretending it’s not Adam. Ryan walks past Nick without even looking at. Nick’s all like, “Hey.” but Ryan goes to the end of the line to Jasmine. Then everybody but Nick and Adam are out. 

I think Nick and Adam should make out. Like a make out session to the death and whoever is left standing is in the top 12. This doesn’t happen, but as we go to commercial break, I’m almost positive the two of them and Ryan make out. And then after Ryan announces Adam is in the top 12, they all make out again. But still, Adam cannot get no satisfaction. I want to have his gay, gay babies. He’s so good it’s like this is the finale or something. It’s so weird. I almost feel it’s been a whole season already. 

Next week, a bunch of people we’ve never heard of, plus Nathaniel and Scott.

The Brother - “I wanna see the blind guy.”

The Sister-in-law - “Who’s the blind guy?”

Me -“That guy. The one who’s dancing like he’s blind.”

February 25, 2009 - Nick, Adam, and some other people sing

Apparently everybody I know in the world is mad at me because last week my Facebook status was "I am so over Danny Gokey". Well, let me tell you why.  He's got a bit of an "I'm better than you" attitude, topped with some douche sauce, and served with a side order of Dead Wife. I flinch every time I mention her in that context because its an awful situation and loved ones dying is like my biggest fear ever. If you even brought up the conversation, I'd stick my fingers in my ears and yell "LA LA LA!" Until you went away. But in this case, the feeling passes quickly.  Even when I loved him during his audition, his "dead wife" speech was totally overly dramatic and maybe even a bit rehearsed. I overlooked it because he was cute and his voice was a cross between Fergie and Jesus. But then he rolled his eyes at Ryan and you don't disrespect The Seacrest in front of me and get away with it. Ask Brad and Angelina if I'll even babysit for them anymore. They will tell you no. I will not Also, if he wasn't in the top 12 then maybe Ricky Braddy would be. But he's not and I'm still sad about it. And also, I heard some shady things about Danny's church but I didn't care enough to remember them nor to further investigate.

But we are not about Danny Gokey tonight. We are about Adam, Nick, and Matt and the pain I feel knowing all three of them can't make it into the top 12 this week unless Adam performs as a girl.

And omg, Ryan is hot tonight. He’s wearing a brown polo, a watch (so he knows when to meet me for our after-Idol date), and jeans.  I suppose he’s wearing shoes, because going barefoot and getting his feet dirty is not how Ryan rolls, but my eyes never make it that far. 

Ryan asks Kara what the contestants have to do to stick around this week and she says they have to “bring it” and Ryan makes a face like suddenly everything is clear to him, even though Randy’s been saying the same thing every year. But I guess things sound different when it’s coming from a person who’s sitting next to Paula’s giant cleavage. I hope Alexis doesn’t wander too close to them and fall in. 

Someone named Jasmine Murray is first. She’s singing ‘Love Song’ and it‘s bad from the get go. She isn’t  singing it with the right kind of attitude. The song is about how a guy is saying he wants to hear how much this girl loves him but she doesn’t love him, so she’s not going to say it and she‘s definitely not going to say it just to make him leave. It’s not the mindset Jasmine is singing with. It doesn’t matter anyway, cause she’s not making it into the top 12. Randy calls it pitchy. Jasmine and Paula don’t like it. Simon says the same thing and then everybody boos him.

blozor636: Well thank goodness the first performer set the bar low.

Matt Giraurd, my future husband, is up next. It would be awesome if he sang ‘Love Song’ too, but he’s not, he’s singing ‘Viva La Vida’. I don’t think this was a great song choice. He’s pitchy all over the place. He didn’t blow Kara away, she says, and Paula talks about his instrument. Simon calls it “horrible” and Randy’s wearing a stupid sweater. Matt looks like he might cry and Ryan rushes to his defense because he‘s taken in by the dimples too. If the singing thing doesn’t work out, he can always just stand around and look pretty.  

Next up is some girl we’ll probably never hear from again, so I don’t have much to say about her. She’s singing a Maroon 5 and dear Lord, I thought they had mentors! Did they get lost on the way to the studio this week? I am now tuning this out.  Ryan and Randy compliment her on her legs. She loses what little respect of her I didn’t even have by practically begging the judges to lie and say the performance was better than it was. Then she puts her hand all up on Ryan’s chest and I fear anger boil in my chest like a beast. 

As we go to commercial break, my future husband, Nick, does the Dr. Evil finger. Then Seacrest calls him “provocative” and I don’t think he really even knows what that word means. He’s singing the same song he’s been singing all season, “I Am Telling You’, laying on the floor in a white dress coat over the Norman outfit. He rips his coat off and this is the best performance ever, minus all the Cook/Clarkson/Aiken performances and that one time Constantine was awesome. It was goofy but absolutely wonderful. Simon prays he doesn’t go through to the next round and upsets Nick’s parents. He calls it “horrific comedy” and Nick calls Simon “sassy pants”. The rest of the judges love him, so I send them invitations to our wedding.  But then Simon accuses Ryan of having gay love for Nick and Ryan says he feels the gay love between Nick and Simon.  And then Paula gets drunk on all the gay love floating in the air and rambles something and makes some noise. 

Allison is 16 and looks like she’s 34. She looks older than Ryan. He looks like a little boy on a field trip tonight. Her hair is crazy pink and when she talks, it’s kind of like if Paula and Kara had a baby and somehow taught it to talk. And then it went on American Idol and sang ‘Alone’.  And on stage, she looks and sounds like Kelly Clarkson and Hannah Montana had a baby.  Carrie Underwood might have sang it better, but this is still good. The judges love her and call her the best of the night. Her singing is good, she just shouldn’t be allowed to talk. Her and Ryan are almost the exact same size. I bet they could share shoes.

Kris Allen looks like a grown up version of Archie, but I don’t approve of that name being spelled with a K. He’s singing ‘Man In the Mirror’. It’s good. I don’t think he’s particularly memorable and I think he’ll fall to the same end as Ricky Braddy, where nobody remembers him because he didn’t get any screen time because of Tatiana and Nathaniel’s antics, but it was good. Paula uses the word “nailed” a bunch of time to describe him. Then she kisses Simon because he agrees with her that Kris was good. Then Simon mentions effin’ Danny Gokey and my head explodes. Also, Kris is even shorter than Ryan and that’s always funny because Ryan is nothing if not miniscule. 

Next up is a girl with a full arm tattoo named Megan. Her voice is annoying and I had enough nightmares from Carly’s arm tattoo last year, I don’t need this! And if she has a husband with a tattoo on his face, I am so done. She’s singing ‘Put Your Records On’. I don’t know how I feel about this. I am unable to form an opinion. Paula likes her though and then Simon checks out Paula’s cleavage. Paula says she reminds her of Nelly Furtado, but I don’t know what to do with that information because I used to think Nelly Furtado and Nelly were the same person and I never bothered finding out any information about this Furtado. Ryan tries dancing and the judges tell him to stop and he threatens to do the ‘Cold Hearted Snake’ dance. This I’d like to see, because it was a pretty hot dance involving see thru clothing and some straddling. 

Matt Breitzke, as you might recall, is a welder. He is singing ’The Way She Loves Me’ because he loves his wife and son.  The judges didn’t really like. His voice was good, but it was a bad song choice. Ryan is the size of Matt’s arm. Like Matt could use Ryan’s body as a mustache comb. That is so weird. 

Next is a single mom who’s name I did not catch. I am so over single moms.

Kauly Jo: ANOTHER single mom??

Kauly Jo: Idol just needs to start a daycare

She’s singing ‘Betty David Eyes’. Me and the judges all thought it was just “ok”. 

Next up is Kai and he’s singing that “happiness is just an illusion” song. I love this song. He’s kind of a train wreck from the neck up, especially when he’s singing, but his voice is beauty. I got bored when the judges started talking and wandered off to you tube the new New Kids On The Block video for ‘2 In The Morning’. I want to wake up at 2 in the morning some day and just sing this song. Maybe I’ll sing it to my Seacrest poster. And yes, I have a Seacrest poster. I got it from his radio station. I wonder if they have new ones. But I’m afraid to ask. 

Kai just tried to rape me with his face. HIS FACE! 

Ew, Mishavonna is singing ‘Drops Of Jupiter’. I don’t know why I say ew. I like this song, I just don’t like when people sing it. And not because it’s a song I love so much I don’t want others touching it, I just don’t like the removal of the comforting voice of the lead singer of Train. I guess. I don’t know. I’m weird somehow. Also, she has a weird nose that I could see possibly giving me nightmares. Although, vocally she’s not bad. Better than most of the contestants tonight. Paula didn’t like it though. Simon feels cold and then the judges debate exactly what a drop of Jupiter is.   

Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like Adam Lambert? I mean, really.. Don’t cha? He’s singing ‘Satisfaction’. Okay, see, this is what is supposed to be on this show. Instead of having someone awesome and a bunch of people who suck ass, there needs to be ALL AWESOME people. Can you imagine how fantastic this show would be if they could actually present us with more than 2 or 3 people out of 24 or 36 who can actually put on a good performance? But maybe if it was that fantastic, everybody’s heads would explode. That must be the reasoning. Anyway, he was awesome and Randy calls him DA BOMB.

So tomorrow I hope to see Adam, Nick, and the Kelly/Cyrus clone make it into the top 12. But Idol likes to break hearts and squash dreams. 

February 18, 2009 - She wrote me a letter

Tonight, Ryan is wearing my favorite combination of suit and jeans. And it’s wonderful. THIS… is American Idol.

This theme song always makes me want to get up and dance. Even this creepy version. If I don’t watch, I don’t have to know it’s creepy. And then I can dance, dance, dance. But if I look at the screen? I know I’ll never dance again.

There were 24 million votes last night, only five of which were for Stevie Wright. I’m sorry, I’m just saying what’s true. Nothing against Stevie. Or maybe it’s the Carlson girl I’m thinking of. Yeah, it’s her. She’s the one.

Just a side note: Paula’s boobs are huge tonight. Also, Kara has always looked strangely familiar to me. Like maybe I went to high school with her. You know, if I was 40. She probably would have been one of those girls who made fun of me. 

Ryan makes some innuendo joke about what happened between the judges after the show. Idol Judge Orgy or something, which you know Ryan would totally host. When Randy reprimands him for being dirty during a family show, he says he just meant dinner. They ate dinner together, nothing else. 

Remember when Alexis had a baby and Michael worked on an oil rig? Remember when Tatiana was annoying and I wanted to kill her and myself all at once? Remember when Anoop had eyebrows that were huge? Well, if you don’t, we have a montage to remind you.

OMG, a medley!! I love medleys! Finally, Ryan has been reading my love letters and trying to make my dreams come true… except it’s a song I hate. It’s ’I’m Yours’. Vocally it’s alright, - though all the girls look exactly the same and Alexis’ outfit is a train wreck - but forgettable. 

Remember when Jackie wore pants that gave me nightmares? Remember when Ricky Braddy and I were picking out engagement rings? Remember when Stevie looked like Angela from Bones?  Remember when Stephen wanted to rock with us, but we just wanted him to forget the words and walk off stage again? Remember when that one guy was forgettable? I forget his name. Remember when Tatiana was saving all her love for me and I stuck my face in a pencil sharpener? Remember when Anoop channeled Monica and it was kind of weird for him to do that but I didn’t remark on it at the time? Remember when Nikki McKibbon changed her name to Alexis and sang on this show and she was compared to Kelly Clarkson and Kelly Clarkson’s head exploded? And remember when a hero lied in Danny’s dead wife? I’d feel bad saying that, but he’s beating it like a dead horse anyway, so I don’t. 

Anoop starts to talk about how nervous he is, but his eyebrows grow massively out of control and smother his face. Then he dies and Danny sings a song about it. Tatiana talks about how humbled she is to be here and I think she’s just been watching old videos of David Cook and copying what he said. She has to learn every aspect of human behavior. Like autistic people do.

Ryan calls Casey to the stage. I don’t know about her cleavage. Cleavage on that level disturbs me. What also disturbs me is that the audience “awwwws” when Ryan tells her she is not in the top 12. He calls Stephen up next. They do a Black Guy Handshake and then the judges talk about how he wasn’t very good last night. He glares at Kara when she mentions how he forgot the lyrics that one time. He is not in the top 12. 

Alexis is next, wearing a stupid hat. Her dad looks like a blonde Ozzy Osbourne. I hope he doesn’t grab Ryan in his giant clutches and bite his head off. And then suddenly, Alexis is in the top 12. For some reason, she sings her song again. At least it’s better than hearing Casey sing again, I guess. 

blozor636: They're just trying to bring out the crazy in Tatiana.

blozor636: I swear to god they'll find everyone's butchered bodies and her covered in blood, huffing and holding a knife.

blozor636: Giggling hysterically and crying.

 

Ryan calls Ricky and Jackie to the stage. I like this Ricky. I know I said it yesterday, but I’m saying it again. I like this Ricky. But America does not. He is not in the top 12! I am done with you Idol! DONE!!

Okay, I’m back. I ate a Kit Kat to even out my blood sugar. I’m still not happy though.

Anoop and Michael are brought out. They have their arms around each other, which I like. Not in a gay love, kind of way, just because I like when these people can get along and support each other. 

Another side note: Michael’s mom and wife look like sisters. But he’s from the south, so it’s likely. 

And then, Michael is in the top 12. Then he sings about how he doesn’t want to be anything other than what he’s been trying to be lately. Which is a contestant on American Idol. He’s like 8 miles better tonight than he was yesterday. Even the back up singers are better than yesterday. Maybe they should do this show backwards. Eliminations on Tuesday, performances on Wednesday. 

I miss Ricky already. Even though I suspect he’d miss me more if I were a dude. You know where I’m going with that. 

OMG, David Cook and Kelly Clarkson in the same picture!! And then David Cook and Carrie Underwood sing a duet. This footage of the American Idol Experience Disney World thing is better than this episode has been. So much magic can happen sometimes with this show, and sometimes… you get tonight’s episode. Also, last night’s. 

I blinked and Carly Smithson and Michael Johns are on stage and my brain freaked out because I thought I had traveled back in time. Michael is wearing a weird suit and something about Carly lost her hair on the flight. Whatever. I don’t know why she’s here. But Michael has a single coming out next week which I will surely illegally download. Whooo! They’re singing ‘The Letter’. I was wondering how they were going to fill this hour. I hoped it might be Seacrest stripping, but this is just as good.  I mean, not just as good, but it’ll do. You should all know that I met Michael Johns in Chicago last year and humidity does magical things to his hair. And by “met”, I mean, we took a picture in which we are both making funny faces. 

Ann Maries stands up. Brent stands up. Stevie stands up. They are all out. Which means it’s down to Tatiana and Danny. Tatiana looks like she might vomit and/or morph into a werewolf and destroy everyone. Danny’s wearing some ridiculous glasses.  I can’t really describe them. They’re like a hybrid of 3D glasses and painters glasses. So I guess I can describe them. 

Tatiana and Danny are standing like seven feet apart. She looks like she might fall apart at any second. Then she’s out and Danny is in. Ryan’s the only one who tries to comfort Tatiana when she gets cut. She’s not really having it though. A few girls half heartedly try to hug her, but they quickly try to get as far away as possible.

Kauly Jo: i want her to rip off danny's glasses like sandra bullock rips off miss rhode island's tiara in Miss Congeniality. 

Next week: Matt, Adam, Nick (!) and a bunch of people I couldn’t care less about. This saddens me, because those three are my favorite and all three can’t make it into the top 12 unless Adam performs as a girl. I refuse to watch next week, Idol! I refuse!!

So, I guess I’ll see you guys next week. 

February 17, 2009 - all this aggravation ain’t satisfactioning me

It should be dually noted that I moved in with my brother this weekend and since my new home is a mad house, I am watching Idol from a chilly garage. What kind of a pre-wife would I be for Seacrest if I didn’t suffer like this for him? But enough about that. THIS is American Idol. Ryan walks down the stairs, past the contestants, looking seven different kinds of delicious. Maybe even more than seven, but I can’t count with the sudden distractedness of the crazy opening theme. The “being sucked into a vortex” is even stronger with this one than it was last year.  

I kind of like Kara now, but she still acts semi-obnoxious as Ryan introduces the judges. Somebody gives somebody bunny ears, because we are in pre school. Simon’s hair has been cut, Ryan’s hair has thickened, and Paula has darker skin than ever. On second thought, everybody has darker skin. Did they all go tanning before the show? Did Ryan take them all to his favorite salon? Simon accuses Ryan of copying his hair like in “Single White Female”.

Jackie is up first. I like her, she’s funny.  She’s singing ’A Little Less Conversation’. She’s jazzed it up which is just kind of annoying. But she’s one of the only girls I can stand so far, so it’s ok. Randy calls her a good entertainer. Kara’s all like, “Girl!! Oh my god, Girl! Girl!!” I think she forgot she’s white. Paula mutters something about something and Simon tells her she sucked and nobody will like her and blew it all.  

Back in the red room, Jackie calls Ryan “dude”. and then “man”. She’s totally hippy. 

I have never seen this Ricky Braddy. My eyes like. My ears also like his speaking voice. Which is echoing weirdly in the studio. Ryan looks a little itchy about it. But he hasn’t gotten the show in on time in over  a year, so he has no place to talk about things not going right. He’s singing a pretty love song that I do not know.  I think I’m in love. He looks like if David Cook and David Cook’s younger brother had a baby together and it had eyelashes that went on forever. And wore an ugly velvet coat.  Randy calls him “the start of season 8”, but he said basically the same thing about Jackie and I bet he’ll say the same thing to everybody else tonight. Kara talks so loud into her mic that we get icky feedback. Then I swear I see tears on her face. But I do not mock, because Ricky is capable of causing tears. Simon thought it was good but says doesn’t have the charisma or confidence to win.

Back in the red room, Ricky’s parents are named Ricky and Vickie. They’re wearing shirts that say “The Braddy Bunch”. Oh God. They’ve almost ruined him for me…but they’re kind of cute. His whole family is cute. I bet he has an adorable little sister. 

Alexis reminds me of that skanky girl from season 1 who had a kid. Nikki McKibbon? Is that a name? I don’t know. You know who I’m talking about. The stripper. Except Alexis can sing much better. Everything is so jazzy tonight. It’s annoying. Randy has seven heart attacks, Kara makes a genie coming out of a bottle joke, Paula call her young and tender even though she’s four years older than the last 2 winners before David Cook. Then she cries about how something large is inside Alexis and things get real quiet and awkward in the studio. Simon calls her the best so far. Yawn. Simon compares her to Kelly Clarkson and I stab her, cause you just don’t go there!

Everything in the studio gets screwy and they mess up Brent Keith’s video, so Ryan walks him down the stage to waste time before they can fix things. Then they play his video, which highlights Kara and Simon having a lover’s quarrel. He’s singing a song called ‘Hick Town’. I like country music, but even I don’t like this. Simon will hate it. It’s not bad, it’s just boring. Even my foot fell asleep. Paula’s wearing giant stars everywhere. That’s all I really got out of this portion of the show. I’m not even sure what the judges said cause all I saw were giant stars. 

Stevie Wright is up next. She’s the girl who looks like Angela from Bones. I kind of like the song she‘s singing but vocally she sucks ass. When I look at her, all I can see is Angela from Bones and I think about how her and Hodgins broke up and then she went lesbian. Randy calls it “not hot” and “safe” . Kara says she has an identity crisis. What if she said, “I’ll show you an identity crisis!” and then unzips her face and Taylor Swift steps out? That’d be awesome. Paula and Simon both tell her she sucked ass. And that she never should have dumped Hodgins for a chick. 

Anoop Desai is up next. Or Anoopey if you’re Simon. He’s singing ‘Angel Of Mine’. Boring. But Paula stands up and cheers. Randy says “dawg” and “what” and “mad love” a million times. Then he calls him sharp. Kara gets all Paula and says , “It’s a hard song to sing that song.” but nobody really notices. But that’s what I’m here for. Paula lies to Anoop that America has already connected to him. How does she know that? She doesn’t know that. Don’t lie to him. Then she calls him Anoop Dog and I vomit on my laptop. 

Back in the red room, Ryan looks hypnotized by Anoop’s giant eyebrows. And speaking of giant, Ryan’s feet look huge today. 

Casey Carlson is up next. Didn’t we see her already tonight? Hmmm. I guess not. She’s singing ‘Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic’. I don’t particularly approve of regenderizing songs to suit you… especially when you’re mucking it up vocally anyway. Even Constantine sang this song better and he was killed by Nickelback. She’s wearing Amy Winehouse’s hair which makes this all the more worse.  

blozor636: Those background singers are letting out the moans of this song's death.

Randy calls it “weird” and “karaoke”, Kara says everybody about it was wrong and then her and Randy sing about it, Paula says it didn’t work, and Simon calls it “Atrocious” . Ryan looks so tiny surrounded by all the people back in the red room. Casey’s mom tells her how proud she is of her and Casey’s all, “God, mom, embarrassing!” 

Ryan calls Michael Sarver his twin, and a good laugh is had by all. He’s singing ‘I Don’t Wanna Be’.  I feel like I’m in a time machine. I don’t know why, but that’s the feeling I’m getting tonight. Maybe it’s because of this whole reverting back to the way seasons 1 thru 3 were done. Maybe it’s Michael’s shirt. The judges thought it was just sort of okay. Ryan compliments Michael’s wife on her pretty shirt and then they talk about clothes for a little while until they remember that Michael is there and that they need to give out the number.  Ryan’s like the size of one of Michael’s fingers. Maybe the middle one.

Ann Marie is singing ‘Natural Woman’. I remember when Kelly Clarkson sang this and it was magical. The only thing magical about this now is that Ann Marie’s dress is someone holding itself up with nothing but her cleavage to hold on to. The judges rip on her song choice and then a lot of nonsense is said for a long time, until Simon finally speaks English and tells her the song was just too big for her.

I missed what happened in the red room because I was IMed this:

blozor636: I think Nick Mitchell should come out sometime and perform "Opposites Attract."

Best. Performance. Ever. I can guarantee it now.

Stephen Fowler promises not to forget the words this time. It’d be so funny if he forgot the words again. I have no interest in this guy, so I hope he does. It’ll be fun! He’s singing ‘I Wanna Rock With You’. He doesn’t forget the words, but he doesn’t really entertain either. I’m gonna go make some mac and cheese.

It’s actually mac and cheese wheels. 

You know how some mathematicians have lost their minds trying to figure out Pi? That’s me with Tatiana. The square root of her craziness divided by  my patience squared equals my head exploding. That’s real math. 

She’s singing ‘Saving All My Love For You’. It’s very good, but all I can see when I look at her are flashes of crazy. And the flashes of crazy give me hot flashes. And not the good ones that I get when I look at David Cook, but like the bad, early menopausal ones. Randy says like 80 words and only about 8 of them actually form a complete sentence. But that’s what happens when confronted with crazy who can sing. Kara says something crazy, and then Paula’s eyes get all crossed as she talks. I wonder if fumes of craziness are leaking out of her pores and floating through the air like carbon monoxide. Simon calls her a drama queen, desperate to be famous. Simon is always the wise one here. The judges encourage her to act crazy again and Ryan pulls out a gun and shoots them all. On her way into the red room, Tatiana kisses my new husband Ricky on the cheek. She talks crazy to Ryan and Ryan’s all like, “We don’t have time for this.” But in a nice way. Cause he is a nice boy. 

But then she touches Ryan’s biceps and makes him extremely uncomfortable. Because either a) He’s afraid being crazy is transmitted by touch. Or b) Doesn’t want to be seen cheating on me. He is a nice boy.

Kauly Jo: ryan's got more affection from girls this year than any other season

Kauly Jo: usually he's just loved on by velvet teddy bears and their brothers

DANNY GOKEY!! I want to marry him too. He’s singing Mariah Carey’s ‘Hero’. I wonder if it’s really healthy for him to be thrown into this lifestyle so soon after losing his wife. Bad things happen if people don’t properly grieve. Watch Reign Over Me if you don’t believe me. This is so good we should have just sent the other 11 people home and then just let Danny sing songs for two hours. I’d vote for that. The judges argue over whether it was good or great. Ryan makes an “organ” joke, but then changes the subject before Simon can make it dirty. 

My guesses for the top 3 are: Danny, Ricky, and either Alexis or… *gulps* Tatiana. 

February 11, 2009 - When I grow up, I wanna have groupies.

Something just occurred to me. Idol is going to be on for a few Thursdays this month... What will happen to Bones?! I used to think the world should revolve around Idol, but not anymore! I have never hated you, Idol, but I hate you now!

....I take back what I said earlier about Idol. I don't hate my beloved Idol and the world should revolve around it. I apologize. I was speaking out of extreme duress. I'm moving, I have an English paper I'm struggling to write, algebra is hard, and I suspect Clay Aiken still has a bad haircut. Also, David Cook's touring colleges and a lot of the ticket sales are students only and even if they're not, they're sold out and people are selling them for 75 bucks on Ebay. Its not right! But it’s okay. You know why? Cause THIS… is American Idol.

I always dance when the theme song comes on. 

The contestants are all taken to The Judges Mansion, which is a large house with a yard that greatly resembles Ryan’s own yard. But the house is effin’ huge.  

I should mention that Ryan looks DAMN good. He takes the walk of shame the contestants will take which starts from  leads into a room where the judges are all sitting on chairs that are like the couch from The Big Comfy Couch, only they are chairs. If Ryan sat in one, you almost wouldn’t be able to see him.While I’m contemplating that, Anoop gets into the top 36. I totally missed it. It must have been uneventful. 

Von Smith is next and nervous. He talks too much instead of just sitting there like a good little boy and wait to be told yay or nay.  Von is in and he cries and then Ryan cuddles his crying mom. I love Ryan. I wish that every time I cried, he was there. 

Cody is cool cause he’s an amateur horror film maker, which is rad. I’m afraid he might become a pretentious type though. The judges put him on the spot and make him sing. He chooses a song I do not know and does nervously with it. They bring Alex in and the surprise is that they’re having a sing off. Alex and Cody hug each other and cry and weep and hold each other and it’s quite sweet. Then Alex throws up while singing ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me’. Alex was marginally better but I like both. 

Alex and Cody wait on a big comfy couch with Ryan and they all braid each other’s hair and talk about who will win the sing off and who won’t. Also, they talk about last week’s episode of Gilmore Girls. Then they’re called back into the judges room... And Cody is out. They walk out of the room with their arms around each other and I feel like crying. Then Alex cries and Cody cries and says he will vote for Alex. Then they make out and have gay sex for the first time on the stairs. 

See, I like people who can get along and be friends and support each other.  Alex obviously feels bad that Cody is leaving and Cody is being gracious about his loss. No need to be ass clowns. 

Adam Lambert is called into the judges room like there’s a possibility he won’t make it into the top 36. Why don’t we just send him, Danny, and Scott out for pizza while we jerk everyone else around. See the thing about Adam is… you know he’s been in drag, right? But when he’s here, just dressed as himself, he still looks like he’s dressed in drag. It’s not an insult. In fact, it’s awesome. I’m just saying. That’s the vibe I get from Adam. That he’s a guy in drag as a guy and that doesn’t even make sense, but it totally works. I’d totally make out. 

Simon’s all “It’s not good news… it’s GREAT news!” 

This is really hard to recap, I must say. But that’s what these are for:

Kauly Jo: simon is such a tease.  can you imagine what it would be like if it were possible for him to come home and tell you he was pregnant?

Kauly Jo: it would be like the best moment EVER

Kauly Jo: i'm going to start praying for pregnant men JUST for that reason

Taylor is someone we’ve never heard of. Or just don’t remember, because she’s not remember able. Except for sucking during Hollywood week, which we didn‘t even get to see at the time. But they’re showing it now and that’s what’s important. 

She comes into The Judges Room and sits in the Jester’s Chair and talks about how she forgot the words in Hollywood. Hey, at least she’s owning up. Randy welcomes her into Season 8. 

Then a bunch of other people we don’t remember and probably don’t care about are through. 

Joanna Pacitti… she keeps wiping away the pre-emptive tears from her over mascara’d eyes. She talks about how there’s a “time for everything” and the judges jerk her around so that they can see her mascara smear and clump up all over her face so she’ll be so embarrassed when this finally airs. Which… would actually be right now. 

‘What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted’ is one of my best songs ever. By best, I mean favorite, but best sounds like a Paula word, so in the spirit of this show, I’m going to use it. 

Some people who may or may not have just shown up today are cut. Then some people who may or may not have just shown up today are through. 

Two girls who I don’t remember, nor can I muster up any care for, have to sing off with each other. This is not as exciting as when those first two girls sang off. What were there names? Cody and Alex, right? Yeah. I don’t even care enough to pay attention. 

One of the girls sings ‘I’m Not Ready To Make Nice’ and the other sang… something else. I don’t remember. Then they are sent out to The Couch. Ryan doesn’t join the two of them on The Couch this time, cause girls aren’t as fun as gay boys. Back in The Judges Room, Simon’s like “Do you want to keep the hot one or the one who’s not hot?” And Kara suggests they forego singing altogether and just get a bunch of models. Randy agrees before realizing she’s being sarcastic. 

Either the hot girl or the not hot girl didn’t connect with her song. And the other one has an identity crisis. So I guess that’s the “not hot” one. They tell her she doesn’t dress right… this is so wrong. Let her dress the way she wants. Or let the stylists have their way at her. Quit picking on her. But she’s through to the top 36 anyway. Simon’s very vocally pissed about it. That’s kind of mean.

Alexis is the girl who I thought was raising a baby on her own because her husband was in the army, but t turned out he’s only her boyfriend and he’s just in military school. HAHAHAHAHA!! I have no sympathy for any of this nonsense. Call me cold hearted. She’s in. 

Wouldn’t it be funny if Scott got lost on the way to The Judges Room and ended up in a room with like severed heads or something on the wall? Only, he wouldn’t even know it. But somebody would tell him and you know that shit would freak him out for years to come. Sitting in The Judges Chair, his hair is a bunch of different levels of crazy. His hair is the Nathaniel of hairs. He’s in and his mom cries and everybody‘s happy. 

Lil Rounds annoys me. They jerk her around and then tell her she’s going through. Fine! Let her through! But she won’t win!! Ryan and Lil high five and then move in slow motion. Ryan is HOT in slow motion. I could watch hours of the Slow Motion Ryan Show. 

Girl I Don’t Know A is out, Girl I Don’t Know B is out, and Girl I Don’t Know C is out. They should have just brought all three of them in and told them at once and saved us three minutes time. 

roarimaraptor: i'm tired of all these people with babies

roarimaraptor: remember when the idols never had kids?

roarimaraptor: they were all YEARS from having kids

Kauly Jo: damn fantasia

roarimaraptor: the people from season 1 STILL don't have kids

Kauly Jo: not true

Kauly Jo: nikki mckibbin

roarimaraptor: she was a whore, that doesn't count

Kauly Jo: haha

Kauly Jo: and an alchy

roarimaraptor: and a stripper

Kauly Jo: and a coker

Kauly Jo: she gave Idol a bad name

Kauly Jo: she opened the doors for Corey Clark

Kauly Jo: the Brittenum twins

roarimaraptor: Scott Savol

While I was having that conversation, two girls had a sing off. One was cut, the other wasn’t. Simon was all, “You wouldn’t have won anyway.” 

I hate this episode, it’s boring. Nothing but tears and Danny Gokey hugging everybody. That says a lot about him, I think. The fact that everybody has hugged him shows he probably a pretty decent guy. Do you see anybody hugging Tatiana? No. They don’t want to catch her crazy.

I’d be pissed if they made me walk all those stairs just to tell me I was going home anyway. A-holes.

I can’t get over how fascinating Ryan looks tonight. 

Danny is called into The Judges Room. He looks like he might throw up.  He modestly admits he did the best he could, but knows there’s always room for improvement. I love him. I mean, he can’t compete with my Seacrest love or my David Cook love. He’s in!! ‘Best Day’ plays as he runs down the hall screaming and hugging Jamal, and then crying. I hope this song is the good-bye song this year. After commercial break, we learn that Jamal is going home. He looks like he was punched in the stomach, but he’s totally gracious anyway. Danny is more shocked than anybody and this is probably tearing at the still healing stitches from his wife death. Damn you, Idol! His best friend’s wife just died!! Danny and Jamal do secret handshakes in slow motion.

A bunch of virtual strangers get in. Then Stephen, the guy who screwed up a Cook song during Hollywood week and pulled a Brooke White. He tries to excuse that, but Simon’s all, “You shouldn’t have fucked up, bitch… but you’re in the top 36 anyway.” 

Nick Normund Gentle Mitchell!! He’s what I live for this season. And if he’s not in the top 36, I swear to God, I will not watch the show this season! Mark my words!!

The Brother - “I think he should go home.”

Me - “Get out of my house!”

The judges sort of tear him down for being goofy. He explains that his two loves are singing and making people laugh, and the judges are so thrown off by him being normal they just don’t know what to do.  So they tell him he’s in. Nick is happy and cries and hugs Simon and a party is thrown on my couch. And I’m the only one invited. And Nick. Me and Nick. And Seacrest too.  

Jackie is called to the Jester’s Chair and she’s in. I like her. Probably the only girl I like so far. She cries about how cool it is that she’ll make her parents proud. I love her, I think.

Oh God. From now on I’m calling Tatiana by her last name. Del Toro talks about sleeping with a bunch of guys, I think, but I was too busy typing out her last name to hear it. As I said before, she’s cute and she’s got a nice voice, but she’s just effin’ insane.  She screams when she enters the Judges Room and Simon says, “She’s annoying me.” the second she opens her mouth. They tell her to stop being annoying and then she admits she stole a bracelet from Paula because God told her to. Then Paula proposes to her with a ring and then they run off and get married… Yeah, I have no idea either. Something’s going on, but I don’t know what. OH MY GOD… she’s in the top 36? How the H to the E to the double L did this happen?! Where’s Seacrest?! I need him to hold me! Troubled times like this need a Seacrest. 

Del Toro runs all over the mansion screaming “OH MY GOD!”, then she rapes Seacrest in the hallway and scares little Nathaniel with her screaming.

I don’t know who the hell this guy is, but he’s cute, and he sings ‘When A Man Loves A Woman’. He’s good. Why haven’t we seen him before now? Oh yeah, I forgot, the first few episodes are for ass clowns.

Kara wonders why he’s even singing for his life since he’s so good. His sing-off partner is Nathaniel. - or “Nathan” - who has lived with every person he’s ever been related to in his life because his mom is a druggy and a jailbird and apparently nobody can handle his craziness except his grandma. His hair is insane, he’s wearing a few different headbands and a scarf that Michael Johns left behind last season. He sings ’I’m Already There’. I can’t say who’s better. I like Nathaniel when he’s not drama-queening it up. 

The two boys sit with Ryan and  there’s lots of tears about how they both want to get in but they both want the other to get in to. Ryan’s not even paying attention because he’s thinking about the manicure appointment he has later after this charade is done. 

And the winner is….. NATHANIEL!!! 

Oh my God, I’m excited about that. Ew… Meh, I guess he’s grown on me. He’ll be Danny Noriega all over again though, you know it. 

Unknown girl is in. Unknown guy is in. A girl who looks just like Kara is in. Unknown guy is in.

Blozor636” *link to Del Toro’s Myspace*

roarimaraptor: ew

roarimaraptor: my computer has herpes now

blozor636: Crazy herpes.

blozor636: You give them herpes mediction and they scream and cry. 

Welder versus Oil Rig Man. How convenient. This was like when it was Bo versus Constantine, the only two rockers that year. But they both got in. Such will not be the case here. Weldie sings  a song I do not know about not being noticed.  Oilie sings a song about waking up in the morning. He’s got a much better voice, and if you forced me to pick I’d choose him, but I kind of don’t care either way. 

Oilie and Weldie sit together on The Couch of Doom with Ryan. They probably try to discuss manly things like welding and oil rigs, but Ryan steers the topics to safer things. To what, we don’t know, because there is no sound. Just slow motion video of them and dramatic music.

They sit side-by-side in side-by-side chairs and are told that… they are both in. And then Daughtry asks, “What about now?”

Weldie picks up Ryan and hugs him and probably bruises at least half of his ribs.

Then a stupid song plays and all 36 of them dance like idiots. I hate this part. Nobody who you are you look like an asshat. Unless you’re Del Toro. Then you look like an asshat with wind blowing your hair. 

PS. My brother wants everybody to know that he loves Nathaniel. He wants me to say that I agree that Nathaniel will win, but this would be a lie.

February 10, 2009 - Live every second like you were my tattoo.

What I hate about Hollywood week(s) is that most of the people they focus on aren't going to make it into the top 12 anyway. Every once in awhile, someone obnoxious gets close but chances are slim to none that they'll get in. So we’re wasting time that could be spent doing better things, like washing our hair or petting our dogs. People like Scott Macintye, Adam Lambert, Danny Gokey. People like David Cook, Clay Aiken, Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood. People like them don't have to draw attention to themselves with their antics and asshatery because their VOICES DO IT FOR THEM. Also, nobody wants somebody desperate and needy. Would you date a guy or a girl who was seriously desperate or needy? No you would not.  Why? Because that shit gets old fast. The music business does not want to date some whiny, annoying doucheface either. People who don’t care about anybody else, who can’t even get into a group of 3 or 4 people and sing one damn short song without turning it into a soap opera , don’t deserve to breathing room on this planet, let alone a career in the music business. 

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest… THIS is American Idol. And I guess sometimes, drama can be fun. But thankfully this is the last night of it. 

Also, I had this conversation yesterday.

Roarimaraptor: myspace is being an ass so i can't blog about being stood up!

JuleahFaye: MYSPACE is COMPOUNDING the problem by standing you up as WELL!

JuleahFaye: idol better not be superceded by the president or something

JuleahFaye: thats' three.  things come in threes.

JuleahFaye: it could be interrupted by a special whistlestop tour of obama trying to drum up votes for the bailout.

JuleahFaye: and seacrest would be talking in the background but we'd never know. 

JuleahFaye: we'd never even KNOW.

JuleahFaye: maybe, with your streak, it would happen tonight.  and the whistlestop tour would only replace a new episode of house.  and seacrest reporting of chris brown's delinquency on E! News.  And that'd be okay. Because House is online.  And E! News repeats itself all week under the disguise of 'new episodes.'

Roarimaraptor: it's just the same thing with seacrest in different outfits

JuleahFaye: yeah hello??? that's the whole concept of paper dolls.  and those suckers sold.  in like the 40s

Ryan’s looking sexy tonight.

Adam Lambert draws number 1. He’s singing “Do You Believe In Love” by Cher, which is AWESOME. Up next is Matt Giraud on keyboard singing ‘Georgia’. I believe I want to marry him. This I strongly believe.

Jamar is singing ‘Hey There Delilah’ and I hate it. The song, not him. Seriously, I loved that song for like 30 seconds until I had heard it 500 times. 

Next is Danny Gokey singing ‘I Hope You Dance’. I want to marry him too, but only after we find out that this wife dying thing isn’t a curse that passes on from wife to wife. Cause wouldn’t that be horrible? More horrible for him, of course, but horrible for me too. And who would recap this, I ask you? WHO?!! 

I don’t like this Anoop very well.

I just noticed… there’s a live band on stage. That is so weird.

Another guy I don’t like very well.

Scott is behind his piano singing ’Home’. I want to marry him. Seriously, like tonight. I’d get on a plane and go to LA if he said he’d marry me. Even though I suspect he might be gay. But he’s blind. I can lie and say I’m a dude. 

Kendall sucks singing that Carrie Underwood song in which she vandalizes some dude’s car cause he cheated on her. 

Stevie Wright is cool. 

Lil Rounds is still loud and annoying. I’m so sick of Alicia Key songs. 

Kristin is the girl who got cursed out by some black chick during group day, which makes me love her. Ryan tricks her into thinking that mean girl is behind her, so she punches Ryan in the arm. I say this every season, but I bet he bruises like a peach.

Tatiana’s up next. I hope Simon brought a gun. And I hope he’s been going to target practice. Or I hope she falls off stage. Then Simon doesn’t have to go to jail. She’s cute and she has a good voice, but she ruins it  by being an idiot all the time. And she’s wearing a shower curtain as a dress. I cannot respect that.  

A few more people not really worth mentioning. 

Since Nathaniel plays guitar… I kind of like him. But I can do without his drama. I hate angst teenagers. Get over it. You’re not the only one in the world. But that is neither here nor there, as we don’t get to see any of that. 

A bunch of girls forget the words. Then a guy chops up David Cook’s coronation song from last year. How dare you!! He pulls a Brooke White and stops and asks if he can start over. Ryan mentions it at the same time as I type it. Jinx, Ryan! JINX!! You owe me a Coke. And don’t act like you don’t get them for free! I know who sponsors you!

The contestants are all separated into four room. They call Tatiana out to tell her this whole thing was a mistake and she never should have been brought here in the first place… 

Simon does not like Nick, but I want to marry Nick. Forget those other two guys I said I wanted to marry. I take it back. I love Nick. He sings ‘Georgia‘.  Everybody loves him. Except maybe Simon. 

Room 3 is clearly the room getting cut. We still don’t know about Tatiana though. She’s hanging around in the hall waiting to hear her fate… then they throw her into room 4 and everybody in room 4 freaks out because Tatiana’s ass should be going home. 

After Simon makes a teenage girl cry, the contestants panic and stress and freak out in their respective rooms. 

I wish I could fast forward through sob stories. That’s all I’m going to say about that. 

Michael sings an O-Town song and I can’t help but love people who sing O-Town songs. Especially big touch oil rig guys who aren’t supposed to know O-Town songs.

Simon decides he has no interest in breaking the news to the room who’s going home, so he leaves. 

Paula walks into room 2 and does her usual bit of pretending to be all shook up. Nathaniel breaks down and cries into the carpet and would somebody please just give that kid a Xanax. Then they are in! 

 

Paula does the same thing in room 3. A room which has morphed Michael Castro’s hair into 13 different colors. They are going home. WHOOO!! Except for Michael Castro. I kind of wanted to see him again. Stoned boys are fun. 

There are two groups left. I thought they’d keep both, but they’re acting all suspenseful like they might cut one. I hate when Idol torments me!! Yet… I love it. The judges enter room 1, which holds Danny and Adam, so you know they aren’t going anywhere. And they aren’t.

Everybody in room 4 pukes on themselves as they hear the screams of joy from room 1. Tatiana meditates as the judges act sad and regretful. Then she starts whining and making weird noises and I wish someone would just grab her and shove her inside of a vent and leave her there. The judges tell them they are three and everyone celebrates with everyone.

Tune in tomorrow night for… The Chair. Only it’s not a wooden chair this time. It’s like a Queen’s chair inside of  a mansion. And hopefully, if we’re lucky, they shove Tatiana in a vent and leave her there. 

January 4, 2009 - Hell Week

It’s group time now. They’re rushing everything this season, so nobody can figure out anybody’s name.  There’s a guy who’s wife died, a guy who’s clearly gay, a blind guy, and a girl in a Bikini. That’s all we know. Also, an Osmond. 

A girl hand-kisses the crying gay boy with the lip piercing and tells him to get his act together and stop pouting. But he claims he’s just confused.

Things get all junior high when a few contestants can’t find groups and they go around asking people if they can join groups and the people act all, “Um…. No. We’ve already got our group.” God, I’m having flashbacks to high school. 

A lot of stuff is happening and very quickly, and I can’t keep up and recap a lot of it. Rose Fleck is in a group with Bikini Girl and some others who are just like Bikini girl except they keep their clothes on and Rose hates them all. I love you, Rose. 

A girl cries like it’s the end of her life if she doesn’t get to the next round. God, I hate people who act this way. Get a job and a hobby, why don’t you. She tries joining Gay Lip Pierced Boy’s group and everyone in the group is all like, “Oh no, that bitch did not just join this group.”  

After eight years of watching this show, here’s the one thing I’ve learned. Nobody who acts like an asshole, a douche, a jerk, or any other variation of stupidity ever… and I mean NEVER EVER, wins. You don’t make it into the top twelve, and if you happen to get lucky and make it that far, you absolutely will not get into the top 5 even.  Because America has no interest in having an asshole for our Idol. So shut up and go home. Learn to knit. 

Back to the show. Girl who switched to this group, wants to go back to her original group. Which is just stupid. In junior high, during gym class, we had to put together a dance to Another Bad Creation’s ’On The Playground’… and this reminds me of that process of putting it all together. And yes, I mean that everyone is acting like a pre-teen. Maybe they are. Maybe they lowered the age limit.

 Lip Piercing Boy talks about “chilling out”, while that pre-teen group of girls I just spoke of goes outside and talks about how nobody has any talent. Why are we wasting so much time on this? None of these people are going to make it on the show, because they’re morons. Class A MORONS. Move on to the people who actually have a chance.  This drama was funny yesterday, but its just annoying today. I’m losing my patience with you, Francis!! 

There’s some crying, some diva-ness, someone goes to bed early instead of rehearsing like someone does every single year, and several people cry. Can’t a train just come along and pick up people at random intervals? Cause these people are pissing me off! Where’s Super Nanny Seacrest?! Where’s Scott with his blind guy stick to beat people with?! WHERE ARE ALL OF THE GROWN UPS?!!

Annoying laugh, stupid dances, more divas. Bikini is behaving exactly as you’d expect someone who’d audition for American Idol in a bikini to behave.  And then she disappears The rest of her group thinks about hiring rescue searchers to find her but decide that they just don’t care enough. 

Can someone tell me how hard it is to form a group, learn a song… and perform it? I mean, I could do it with some sock puppets. 

Son of a fucking bitch!! Bikini Girl is back! Just go home and stay there!! She apologizes to her group that she left. She was jus “tired”, like she’s the only one who had to stay up all night and learn a song.  Her group gets up and walks away. Awesome. I love you, Rose Fleck!! I don’t care how weird you might be, I love you.  For now, anyway. 

In the auditorium, the judges arrive and warns the contestants that if they forget the words - or his birthday - they are out.  Ryan arrives, looking delicious as usual. It’s really too bad for Scott that he can’t see him, cause Ryan walks right in front of him. 

The first group is singing ‘I Want You Back‘. There’s a boy named Matt, I like. I don’t have an opinion on the rest of them. They’re all through. 

The second group is a bunch of people who forget the words… and then they blend a few groups together and I get confused. But my guy Nick is through and that’s all that matters. 

At this point, I stopped writing cause I was eating a giant brownie. But it was some of the same. Nothing worth mentioning

When I’m done eating, Simon asks for a crate of Advil. I hope he shares with me. But I want Aleve. Because it’s little, yellow, different. The judges are so over this that even Paula is cursing. 

OMG!!! Today in the car I was listening to ‘Somebody To Love’ and hoping that somebody on Idol would sing it… and here we are. Danny’s awesome group singing it. Simon makes the group think that Danny is the only one who gets through, but surprise! They are all through.

Oil Man Jeremy and Adam Lambert are awesome times like a million. Except when I look at Adam, all I can see is him in drag. But I’m not complaining. When I get married, I want to elope in Vegas and one of my bachelorette party activities will be going to a drag show. 

Bikini Girl’s group is so bad that Ryan starts chewing a whole pack of gum to get the dirt of her kiss out of his mouth. Simon pushes them to tattle on who didn’t show up to rehearse and they all point fingers at Bikini Girl who blames it all on her “scolioses”. I think she means like Chlamydia or something. Nobody corrects her, but Kara does call her a bitch after she leaves. You know what? I like Kara. I like her now and forever. 

Osmond boy gets cut. A group of girls suck butt. Oh, it’s the group of pre-teens. I hope they all get cut. But no, they’re all through. What the… I need to clean my ears out or something. Cause I thought that was ass aweful. 

Gay Lip Piercing Boy’s group is up last. I’m sure he has a name, I just don’t want to type it. He’s too obnoxious/annoying (haven’t decided which yet) to get into the top 12, so I don’t need to know his name.  He’s not bad, but the girls are just so-so.  Simon thought they were trying to sabotage each other by singing bad back-ups. But they were probably just sucking. Lip Piercing Boy and one of the girls are through and the other girl isn’t. Boy tries to hug her, but she pushes him away and makes him cry and pout.  Then she curses at the other girl, but they bleep it out.  

There’s like 800 other people still here, but we don’t get to see any of them cause we wasted half the damn show on a bunch of assholes. 

Next week… more Hollywood week. But maybe we’ll get to see Scott. 

February 3, 2009 - Ya’ll suck as judges

Simon says “All we’re looking for is a star” meaning, don’t act like assholes. But that’s where all the fun is. When they act like assholes!! Ryan says this is the most dramatic Hollywood week ever. So far this season Ryan has already tried to high five a blind guy,  got kissed full on the mouth by a girl with no discernable amount of shame, and sat between two Castros as they played "Who Can Make Who Seem Gayer First" and rolled his eyes like he doesn't play the same game every week of our lives here on this very show. I don’t really trust his definitions. So I hope by “most dramatic ever”, he means that Scott will be taking his blind guy stick to people’s knee caps. That would beat the unbeatable drama of the Brittenum twins. Remember the Brittenum twins? Remember?! If you don’t, it’s probably because they stole your memory. 

Barry Manilow is here to mentor and or hypnotize people with those creepy Manilow eyes of his. But Scott can’t see them, so it’s all good for him. Nice try, Fox. Nice try. 

Kauly Jo: look!  it's clay aiken...coming back from the future!

On day one, half the contestants get to practice whatever song they want for about 13 seconds backstage and then come on stage in group of eights to audition. Lil Rounds in loud and annoying, but she gets a standing ovation anyway. Or a “standing O” as Ryan calls it. I’ll show you a standing O…. I’m sorry. That was distasteful. But he’s wearing a blue sweater he looks tasty in. It’s not my fault.

Lil and two others are in. 

Dennis, who auditioned bad and made stupid faces, comes back out on stage to act like an a-hole. He sings to Simon like an a-hole. Dennis says they suck at judging and then walks out using the words “cheap” and “lame” a dozen times each to describe Simon’s clothes.  Simon pulls out a gun and shoots him just like in that Mad TV sketch where he shot Clay Aiken. 

While all this nonsense is going on, the other half of the contestants are jumping into pools and reclining by the poolside.

Back at the Kodak, Kara and Paula go hang out with Ryan and they have a ladies pow wow about how things are going. Then they go out together and get they’re eyebrows waxed and then they drink long island iced teas.

Nathaniel Marshall sings a song nobody has every heard of and he has piercing in his lip. I don’t remember him. Paula tells him he is great, but it was a bad song choice. I love him until he starts crying like Andre on season 2 of Project Runway.

Anoop Desai makes Paula smile and she starts plotting, in her head, and quite possibly on paper, how she will make him hers. Ya know, if Kara doesn’t grab him first. 

Rose Fleck is cute, but she borderlines on annoying. Like she’d be totally endearing for about a week and then you have to find a new best friend cause you just can’t take it anymore. But she’s through to the next round along with the rest of her group. 

Steven Fowler sounds typical. Jorge is good, but I thought he was Annop. Von Smith is loud and annoying like Lil Rounds was. Simon calls it “indulgent nonsense” and Von looks like he might cry. All three guys are through and the rest of the group is not. Von realizes he needs to work harder, which shows the kind of common sense we don’t see very often. 

Nick Mitchell, or you might remember him as Norman Gentle, is up next. He is awesome and hilarious, but you can tell Simon is so over it. He calls him a joke. Nick calls Randy “dawg”. Paula tells him she wants him to sing a song stripped down and he starts to take his shirt off. If he doesn’t make it through, I am not watching this show anymore!!

And he’s through! But it’s kind of like Rose Fleck, in that he’s funny and he’s entertaining but he could easily step over the line to annoying and then Seacrest might “accidentally” push him off the stage. 

If I hear “it’s a new day, it’s a new dawn” one more time, I’m gonna effin’ kill myself, I swear to God. The second half drives around in a car that takes voice commands to play music. I’d be whispering, “Play 7:05 by The Jonas Brothers” so nobody in the other lanes hear me. 

Some people are through, some people are cut. Some people cry, some people hug, others wear ugly sweaters with ties. 

My mom confuses Widower Danny with gay Nick from earlier. I bet my mom can’t even tell me apart from strangers on the street. She just has those kinds of issues.  Nick calls Kara, Kiera, and sings ‘Kiss By A Rose’. I’ve always hated this song. He better not be starting a trend of singing songs I hate, cause I like him. I don’t want to hate a widower. It just doesn’t seem right.  

Oh no, now I gotta kill a bitch. Bikini girl, who may or may not actually have a name, has her arms all around my Seacrest. She gives him that “I’ll do anything you want me to do” look. Then she puts her whore lips all over his face. She craps up ‘Breath’ on stage. My girl Kara (Yeah, I didn’t know I could switch to her side either, but throw a slutty girl at my Seacrest… and there ya go. I fold) tells her it wasn’t very good. Though she’s still through to the next round, along with everybody else in her group. Are we cutting anybody tonight?  

Ryan pokes someone who looks like a larger version of himself. It’s  Jeremy, the oil fields guy. His voice is all kinds of pretty and he knows how to act grown and civilized on stage. Same goes for Jesus. But Jeremy is through and Jesus is not.  He acts kind of immature about it in the hall. He has to get on a plane and get home cause he is “done with this”. Shut up, Jesus. Just shut up. 

Osmond boy sings and so does a girl named Ericka. Emily Covered In Tattoos rehearses her ass off on a song, but goes in to audition with something she hasn’t rehearsed yet. Dumb broad. Kara calls it disappointing and Simon agrees. Still she’s through to the next round. So is Osmond boy. 

Simon and Paula fight over someone who isn’t really worth fighting over. They always get in fights over people who aren’t worth fighting over. Choose your fights people!! 

I kind of want to make out with Adam Lambert, even though I’ve seen pictures of him in drag and even though we don’t even get to see him sing.

Tomorrow is group night. I don’t like assiness once the show gets underway, but since it’s Hollywood week, I hope there’s drama like there used to be. The worst thing that happened last season, is that somebody used pen on one of Cook’s Sudoku puzzle books and he muttered under his breath, but then made a joke out loud about it and everybody laughed and then went out for pizza and David Archuleta maybe ate one too many pieces and got a tummy ache.