May 20, 2009 - Some will win. Some will lose. Some were born to sing the blues.

So we've got the city boy, born and raised in South Detroit and the small town girl, living in a lonely world and they both took the midnight train going to American Idol… Oh wait. I'm sorry, I was watching Glee again right before this. I love that show already. But I hope Idol never pulls that crap with me where it airs one episode in May and then makes me wait until the fall to see the next. I will roll over on you!! Ask Melrose Place what happened when they left me with a cliff-hanger season finale. Go ahead and ask! They’ll tell you we never spoke again. That was 1995 and the scars STILL hurt. 

Anyway, THIS is American Idol. The guys are both dressed from head to toe in white, except for Adam’s black hooker boots. But damn, they both look good in their pants tonight. Yeah, I went there. I got dirty. Wanna make something of it? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

 

Ryan’s “dawg”, Randy, is wearing  a bow tie. Kara is wearing GIANT earrings.  Paula is wearing a dress the color of skin, so it’s almost like she’s not wearing anything at all. And Simon’s shirt is unbuttoned to like his 7th rib. And Carrie Underwood is looking purty in the audience tonight. I don’t know most celebrities by name, so I can’t specify who is here… but there are a lot of them here tonight. 

Adam is stunned by how many people are here, and his microphone isn’t working right so we don’t actually get to hear how stunned he really is. 

Mikalah Gordon is in Kris’s home town with a skin and hair color I hardly remember. She annoys a poor little girl who can’t form words. Paula’s daughter perhaps?

Carly Smithson and her ridiculous tattoo are in San Diego. I guess that means they’re won’t be any kind of fight off between her tattoo and Megan’s. That makes me sad. I was looking forward to that.

Remember how we hoped and prayed for so long for Danny Gokey to leave and then he finally did? Well, he's baa-ack. Never was there a better time to climb inside a staticy television set. Earlier this week, Danny said he loves Michael Sarver in the “right” way, meaning the non-gay way, which is offensive on several levels, not the least of them being that it was Danny’s mouth doing the talking. Him and Miss California should get married and have a bunch of babies so I can have more reasons not to want to go to Church. I want to make out with a chick now, just to show him. Where’s a Clarkson when you need one? I’m glad after tomorrow night I will never have to mention his name again. Oh wait… the tour. Well, from now on I’m going to call him ‘That Guy’.

That Guy and the other top 12 are singing that Pink song about how she wants to start a fight with her husband, but so what, cause she’s a rock star. I love that song so much that one time I was singing along to it at the Taco Bell drive thru without even realizing that my window was open. But so what, cause I am a rock star. I got my rock moves. In my car. 

I forgot about Jorge!! Wait… who’s this black girl? Was she in the top 13 before? I don’t recognize her. I don’t recognize any of these people!! But I do love this song. Everybody is dressed in white, like lovely lovely angels who‘s names I don‘t know. 

blozor636: It's cool how they let everyone wear their normal clothing styles, only in white. It's like what the past season would have looked like if all the contestants died in some horrible bus accident and competed in Heaven.

GASP! I forgot to look for Scott!! I was supposed to stare into his eyes and sing ‘You Found Me’. My bad, I guess. 

My husba-… I’m sorry. I mean, David Cook is here singing ‘Permanent‘. I can’t believe he’s singing this song. He wrote it about his brother who passed away like two weeks ago. That’s brave. I’d break into tears before even leaving the house. He’s guitar-less and dressed in a vest with a tiny tie. It’s acoustic almost all the way through, but then, unlike the album version, drums kick in. OMG, I love it. I want to marry David so much. Also, his drummer. And dude, Andy Skibb is hot. A man on piano is always hot. 

Kauly Jo: i love how he's dressed like a rockin' banker

Kauly Jo: "you want a loan for a fender?  righteous!!  go for it!"

This performance is going to be available on iTunes and the proceeds go to an organization that helps find a cure for brain cancer. I don’t participate in the iTunes, but I will tonight. 

Heh. Justin Guarini is ultra tanned.

So we’re doing the useless filler of handing out fake awards to the bad singers. I won’t go through it, but think of some of the weirdest male singers from the auditions and imagine them auditioning again and then one of them being here and being given an award. NICK NORMAN MITCHELL GENTLE!!!!!

And the winner is… Nick Mitchell!! He comes out from the audience in a hoodie and jeans because nobody told he was going to be winning anything. Then he rips his clothes off, yells “hit it”, and sings the usual song. Nicely played, Idol!! I forgive you for not giving me the Tattoo fight off I wanted.  HAHA! This is the best moment of the night. I don’t even need to watch the rest to tell you this is the best moment of the night. “Norman Gentle ‘09. Peace out.” HAHA!!

HA! Ryan is wearing Nick’s glasses and hair band. HAHAHA! Oh God, I love you Seacrest. This is a good night, so far. 

Oh wait. Nevermind. Lil is singing. But oooh, wait! Queen Latifah is singing with her. I love Queen Latifah like woah, you guys. Not in a lesbian way at all and not in that weird way where I want to turn into a dude, but just in a “she’s so awesome and Bringing Down The House is hilarious” kind of way. Is Eminem dancing back-up? 

Anoop is singing that song I hate about…. I don’t know what. ’I’m Yours’ I think.  I hate it. Alexis is singing with him and so is Jason Mraz. In other words, nothing I care to see or hear is happening on the screen right now, so I feel like leaving the room. Wait, the other Idols are joining them. Scott looks as out of place as he ever did. It must be so weird not to be able to see anything on that big ole stage in that big old room in that big ole city. If I was blind, I’d climb into a hole and never leave it. 

Video Montage of Kris Allen. He auditioned, he high-fived Smokey Robinson, he played piano, he made it to the finale. Kris and Keith Urban are singing ‘Kiss A Girl”. 

Note to self: Download this song later. But only audio, because Keith Urban plays guitar like he’s having  a seizure, and who wants to look at that. 

I think Justin Guarini and Paula went tanning together and fell asleep in the booth. Or somebody - I’d guess Ryan or Adam - ‘accidentally’ left them in there too long like that episode of Family Guy when Stewie got a tanning bed. Well done, boys. Well done. You’re still the prettiest two here tonight.

The 5 girls are singing ‘Glamorous’. It‘s aweful. It‘s so aweful. That’s why we haven’t seen another female on this show for like the last 6 weeks, aside from Allison. But then Fergie is here to save the night. She’s singing a song I love, ‘Big Girls Don’t Cry’. Do you guys remember when she was on Kids Incorporated? Man, did I love that show. Apparently, I just love singing shows. That show was lip synched to hell and back… but still. I loved it. By the way, the Black-eyes Peas look like thugs. I’d hate to run into them in a dark alley. Or even a well lit alley. And ha!! Things cut out while they were rapping. I wish it had lasted longer. This is annoying. And tell Fergie to put some pants on. They do some weird shit that would be cool if this was like that Randy Jackson dance show. But it’s not. So shut up and move on.  Except all the judges stand up and clap and Ryan calls them “number one”. Shut up, Seacrest. I never say that to you, but I say it now. 

Another award. “Best Attitude”. Nominees are Bikini Face, some crazy girl, and another crazy girl I don’t remember who chops up ‘Because of You‘ so badly that it kills Kelly Clarkson and then spins her around in her freshly dug grave. Ew, bikini on stage. I refuse to recap this part. Except that Ryan makes a joke about her new boob job. 

HA! Okay, but then Kara comes out singing and that is awesome. I mean, it would be awesome if it wasn’t Bikini Face on stage with her. Even David Cook is loving it. But he better be keeping his eyes to himself if he knows what’s good for him!!

Kara flashes her own bikini, in a non-trashy way, and so Ryan donates money to some charity for it. 

Ryan harasses his dad in the audience and then Allison is singing ‘Time After Time’ with Cyndi Lauper and her crotch. Allison is magical, ya’ll. I’d like to learn her last name one of these days.

Both IMs received at the same time:

Kauly Jo: is cindy seizing?

blozor636: Cindy Lauper's going into a seizure!

Ryan goes to talk to Kris’s parents and his mom admits that this spectacle has already made her forget why they were even here. Me too! I forgot all about Kris or Adam until just now. They could have just ended the show at 9, and not announced a winner, and I wouldn’t even have realized until sometime during lunch tomorrow. 

“That Guy” is sitting on the steps singing ‘Hello’. David Cook must be spinning in his chair! And then Lionel Richie is here. I wish he’d sing ‘Penny Lover’. I do love that song, and so does Seacrest.  But they sing some other songs that go on forever and ever. It’s so long that you can the difference in the beard growth on “That Guy” from the beginning to end. 

Adam’s journey: He started performing when he was ten, then he came here and audition, and then he took the country by storm. Then he started talking about his period.  Then he came on stage wearing a jacket that looks like he got tangled up in a tumbleweed. He’s wearing giant boots, and leather pants, and handcuffs, and OMG, he’s singing ‘Beth’. This is probably every Kiss fan’s least favorite song, but it’s my favorite. I LOVE THIS SONG! Then Adam and Kiss are singing ‘Detroit Rock City’ and ‘I Wanna Rock and Roll All Night‘. Seriously, if anybody wore what Adam is wearing, they’d be laughed off the planet. But somehow… he makes it awesome. That must be what rock and roll is really about.

Carlos Santana. Boring. Ooh, but then Matt. I forgot about Matt.  Then the rest of the Idols come out. Adam is wearing suspenders and  it makes me want to have his babies. I mean, I’m committed to David and Ryan and all, but neither one of them ever calls, so if Adam and I decide to hook up… well, it’s their own faults for neglecting me. Everyone is wearing black and red and looking snazzy. Except Scott can’t find the camera ever. He kind of fumbles around cause nobody is holding on to him. I love me all kinds of Scott, but he needs to stay behind an instrument. The awkward movements just make me sad. 

The Ford video is a song I love and must download. Once I find out the name.

But then there’s a video of David Cook, my sugar daddy, giving Adam and Kris the keys to a car. 

Then Sarver and Arm Tattoo are singing while Steve Martin plays the banjo. This is like a parody. Is this SNL? Is that Kristin Wig? I do love Steve Martin though. I want to watch ‘Cheaper By The Dozen’ now. 

All the boys are in black suits singing ’Do Ya Think I’m Sexy’. No, but I do want to vomit right now. Oooh, except for Matt. And Adam. And sometimes Scott. It’d be awesome if they sang ‘Men In Black’. And then Rod Stewart is here, looking and sounding like he just spun himself right out of his grave.  There’s dancing and banjos, and Paula’s boobs, and Bo Bice and celebrities spazzing in the audience.

Another award. For outstanding female. I don’t remember any of these people. They’re so un-rememberable that there’s no point in doing this.  Why are they doing this? Oh. Tatiana. That’s why. Her laugh makes me want to shoot myself. Or her. But I will not do jail time for her! Ha! Even young Cody was rolling his eyes at her even way back when. 

Ryan screams like her, but makes her stay at her seat - which is directly behind Cook - but she runs up on stage anyway and is chased down by stage hands. She takes the mic and sings anyway and Ryan gets all twitchy because we’re running out of time and she just won’t stop. 

Mmmmm, Kris and Adam singing ‘We Are The Champions’. Kris and Adam are high fiving and kicking equal amounts of ass. Oooh, I hope the final vote is a tie! 

Wait a second… why the hell didn’t Scott sing? I’ve been waiting all effin’ night. Asswads.  Let’s see if I ever watch this show again!

Simon gets all Paula and is like, “Gosh, I love you both, I wish you both could win.” 

The entire audience is holding hands…. and the winner is… Kris? Both Kris and my mouth’s drop open.  Kris can’t believe it and Adam shakes him like a British nanny.  Someone comes out and hands him a trophy. Hmmm, a trophy. Nice. 

This is weird. This is so weird. I want to say I hate this show… but I like Kris. And also, I can’t wait until next season to start. 

HA! Allison and Adam are rocking out while Kris sings that stupid song - which I am totally going to download later, but don’t tell anyone - and that is awesome. I love Adam. He’s a good guy. Cause you know if this had been Tatiana coming in second, it would have been a bitch fest. 

blozor636: She'd explode.

blozor636: Like, literally.

blozor636: There would be guts and crazy herpes everywhere.

I’m sad now. What will I do with myself? How else will I get attention if I don’t have recaps to write. 

Its been a nice season. Sort of boring. But nice anyhow. This is the future Mrs. David Cook signing out. 

May 19, 2009 - Nothing’s over till it’s over

It is the final showdown, as Ryan tells us. Acoustic rocker versus the glam rocker. Conway versus California. The Guy Next Door versus The Guyliner. And yes, I accidentally typed “gay liner” at first. 

Randy is dressed like an idiot, Kara has the smoothly shaved armpits she always has, Paula’s hair looks like she just woke up, and Simon is fancied up. 

Carly and her tattoo are in the audience. I want her tattoo and Tattoo Girl’s tattoo to battle it out. That would be awesome. Speaking of. Last week Kelly Clarkson was on Ellen and she said she likes Arm Tattoo Megan. I am disgusted. But then again, she also said she likes Allison so it sort of evens out. But then she couldn't remember Allison's name even though Allison is just a smaller, slightly less awesome version of her.

 

Kris won the coin toss last week and has decided to go second. 

Ryan warns us  - the people who are already watching - that if we aren’t going to be watching tonight or tomorow, to set our DVRs longer because they will probably, most definitely go over time. He’s finally figured it out?

Adam was insane as a baby, is what we learn from his video package tonight. He’s singing ‘Mad World’ again.  It’s the same as last time, except there is lots of  fog and he’s dressed like Nick Carter in the ‘Show Me The Meaning’ video. Only prettier. There is lots of clapping clapping clapping. I love how proud Adam’s dad always is. I think Adam’s dad should adopt every gay boy who’s daddy doesn’t accept him. They’d need a big house, but it’d be a happy family.

Ya know, a wise man once told me that this is the time to be more than a name or a face in the crowd and that this is the time of our lives. I'd still have babies with that man. Whoever he was.

 

Randy gives his performance and “A for Adam!” Kara loves him and won’t stop about how awesome he is. Paula flirts like she didn’t get the gay memo. Simon though it was too theatrical because he’s dressed  all Columbine. Then Randy starts yelling about Twilight. Oh Randy, will you ever find your place in this world?

Kris didn’t like to sing in front of his family as a kid, but then they started paying him to sing, and now here we are at the American Idol finale. Which Ryan thinks is adorable. Oh Ryan. I love ye. I haven’t said it enough this season. 

Kris is at the piano singing ‘Ain’t No Sunshine’. I’m so glad this isn’t Danny Gokey singing.  How disgusting would that be?  This is so much better than the first time he did it. Even though I don’t remember that first time. But I’m imaging this is better. 

Randy shouldn’t talk sometimes. Especially when he’s wearing that ridiculous suit. 

Kauly Jo: seriously.  who dressed randy???

roarimaraptor: his mom

Kauly Jo: is she blind like scott??

Kara freaks out some more. What is wrong with that girl? Seriously. Simon loves Kris and Kris pretends like he might cry.

Back from commercial, Ryan harasses an Asian girl in the audience.

Creator Simon Fuller has chosen ‘A Change Is Gonna Come’ for Adam to sing. He’s wearing a shiny suit. This finale is full of pretty. Seriously, these two are prettier than any two females could have made this finale. I’ve never seen such emotion put into a song on this show.

Randy freaks out about how unbelievable he was. Then Kara freaks out. Then Paula stands up and freaks out and calls him “iconic”. 

Matt Giraurd is looking hot in the audience and Scott’s all like, “I can’t even see anything!”

Adam flirts with Ryan and then somebody let Katie Holmes into the building with her clone-baby.  The audience tonight is almost more entertaining than the contestants. 

About 5 commercials and Paula’s hair is still a hot mess. I thought maybe they’d take a comb to it during a break, but I guess not. 

Kris is singing ‘What’s Going On”. He looks and sounds good, but there’s nothing much more to say about it. I can’t even concentrate on anything with this outfit Randy. I mean, I can’t even describe it. 

Kara freaks out about the song choice, even though it wasn’t his choice, but the choice of the mysterious Simon Fuller whom we never see. Simon didn’t like it and so Ryan makes a gay joke.  

Ryan is in the audience surrounded by the other 11 contestants. Two somebodies we all know and have tried hard to forget makes douche faces and Scott’s all like “I still can’t see anything!”

Adam is singing the coronation song, co-penned by Kara. Why do I love everything Kara writes? 

The audience messes itself over the performance. Randy calls it pitchy, which is totally isn’t. Kara is moved to pieces over Adam singing a song she co-wrote and Adam is moved to pieces over Kara writing a song for him to sing. Gag me. Paula’s a fan forever and Simon hates the stupid lyrics of the song, but loves Adam and quite possibly wants to have his babies.   

Kris is singing… the same song that Adam sang. It’s not very good. I mean, it’s not bad, but it’s not better than Adam’s. Randy’s ridiculous tie and suit and jacket… and head and voice distract me from what he actually says. Kara thought the song was too high for Kris which means she totally wrote it for the key of Adam. Nice move, Kara. Nice. Paula says nothing of worth. 

While Ryan is giving out his numbers, Kris stares at Ryan’s profile like he’s falling in love. Seacrest is mine, bitch! I will fight you!! I don’t care if I outweigh you!  I will destroy you! I will shut it down!

Woah, I’m sorry. I haven’t drank enough water today. I always get crazy when that happens.

And woah again. Adam is wearing acid washed jeans… or are they leather? Acid washed leather? 

WHOOO! Carrie!! She’s dressed like 80s week during her season!! I love it. She sings over a montage of all the contestants from this season. I wish I could remember any of their names. Omg, I forgot about Von Smith! Omg, I forgot about Bikini Girl! Omg, I forgot about Nick! Omg, I forgot about Nathaniel! Omg, I forgot about Allison!! All these people who’s names I don’t know!! And then there’s Anoop who I’ve tried to forget but can’t because just when I think he’s gone, there he is again. Did you guys hear the rumor that he’s dating Arm Tattoo? 

Next up, Glee is on! Tomorrow, David Cooks sings a sad song for charity and Adam Lambert wins!

May 13, 2009 - I can see the red tail lights heading for Spain

For some reason, that desk the judges sit behind during auditions is in the “Smithsonian”, so the cast of that new Night At The Museum movie are talking about. Ben Stiller and that one funny guy from SNL who’s name I can never remember lies that Paula inspires people from behind said desk.  

The Ford commercial this week - or “music video”, as Seacrest calls it - starts out as a cartoon. Then they turn real. But the background is still cartoon. But then it’s real and there’s a storm. And then nothings gonna break their stride, ain’t nothing gonna hold them down, as they turn back into cartoons, then back into people again, and drive off. 

Alicia Keys is wear a bath towel as a dress, on this here Idol stage, for reasons I don’t know. Something about kids with HIV in Africa. One of these kids from Africa - and he actually looks like Tracey Junior on 30 Rock - is here singing/rapping/chanting some song. I don’t know why. He’s a kid, so I won’t mock him. But I don’t know why this is going on. I mean, filler, I know, but of all the filler things that could have been? We get this? But it’s funny, cause he’s like 10 but almost as tall as Ryan. And then Ryan dances, and that is always good times. 

There’s a cougar in the audience who apparently loves Danny. She loves him so much, she has a sign. Hmmm. As soon as they show the sign, a tornado watch shows up on my screen. Oh Danny. Even the weather wants you destroyed. 

Blah blah, yawn yawn, Danny in his hometown signing autographs, radio interviews. A poor, misguided young sap chases his limo down the street and he cries during a parade. Then the mayor makes him like King of the city or something. I wish I cared. 

Kris is like the hottest thing ever . I mean, barring David Cook, of course. It must be so weird to be from Arkansas. I wonder if Paula pronounced it “Are Kansas”.  Kids in his town scream over the sounds of ‘Everybody Wants To Rule The World’. GASP! Does this mean he’ll win? Kris’s dad talks like a woman. Then Kris goes and sings at his old college. If I went on this show, I’d never go and sing at my old school. Those bastards.  What did they ever do for me but make me one time spend my lunch break in a bathroom stall. 

I think Kris made mayor too. I don’t know. His dad cries and talks like a woman some more. Kris is hot through-out all of this, by the way. 

Jordin Sparks!!  She’s come down the stairs, which are covered in smoke. What if everyone thought this was an effect but really the stage was on fire? That’d be fun. Why does Jordin look like she’s 30? I don’t know either. She’s doing some spazzy thing,  but this song is awesome. I mean, I don’t know what she’s saying, but it sounds awesome. 

TCreature3: this song doesn't have lyrics does it?

TCreature3: i think she is writing as it as she goes

Dude, I don’t know when I turned 12 again, but I can’t wait for ‘Glee’. 

Adam is hot. I take back what I said about Kris being the hottest thing ever, besides David Cook.  Ew Anoop. He ruined the hotness fantasy.  Whooo Allison!!  I like when old eliminated contestants come back. 

Adam’s hometown of San Diego. His limo is huge, guys. You could fit all 13 Idols and the judges and Ryan in that thing. Adam plays around in front of a green scream with some weird lady who then makes him put her eyeliner on her. What a weirdo… do you guys think Adam would put eyeliner on me? 

A middle-aged man asks Adam to sign his shirt. A little boy tries to high five Adam and then asks him how he got to be so awesome. All the children have a good laugh over Adam’s crazy hair. Then a girl scares him with her boobs. Man, Adam gets so many songs playing over his package. ‘Come Home’ and some bad cover of ‘Baby O’Riley’. 

Heh. I said package. 

Why is everybody but Scott in the audience? Because he can’t see, they don’t even give him tickets?

Katy Perry is here and the only song I care of hers is ‘Use Your Love’ and she‘s not singing that so I don‘t even care. The only person I care about waking up in Vegas is Carrie Underwood that time she shacked up with some guy without knowing his last name. 

Danny wants us to skip this and announce the results, and even though I agree, shut up. Then Adam yells “I wanna see Katy Perry!” I don’t, but I love you, Adam. And on second thought, I kind of like this song. The verses are uneventful like most Katy Perry songs are, but the chorus is awesome. Her cape says “Adam Lambert” on the back, which is awesome, but I’m disconcerted by the fact that she’s not wearing pants. And the boobs that are all over the place. 

DIM THE LIGHTS!!

Kris is in the finale!! KRIS IS IN THE FINALE!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

88 million votes… 

… ADAM!!!!!! 

Here we go again. The wife thing. Danny loves watching himself on video. Adam cries while Danny sings, marginally better than last night, I must say. The singing, not the crying. It’s actually pretty. Why hasn’t he been this good before? 

Blozor636: At least Gokey had the chance to smear cake all over Allison's body before he got voted off. How many people can say that?

Simon talks about a “big ding dong” and Ryan rushes us off the air, cause that’s just weird. 

May 12, 2009 - Adam rox my sox.

The Brother - "What is Bones?"

Me - "Things in your body? A TV show?"

The Brother - "No, Bones. Her career. What is she?"

Me - "Forensic anthropologist."

The Brother - "Yeah. That's what I want to be. I just thought of that when I was taking a dump. Also, what if I woke up and I had a vagina." 

THIS is American Idol. 

Paula is sitting backwards tonight because she’s insane. Ryan and Simon both have that playful look in their eyes. Oooh, I hope some shenanigans are going down tonight. We need it. I’m bored. 

I think I've figured out why this season is so boring. There is no contest and there never really has been. Adam has been the front runner from the get-go. Minus all the douchery of a few who shall remain unnamed, everybody is the same person, just with a different face. That's why its so hard to rank who will go home next since Megan left. They're practically the same. I was sad when Allison left but I would have been just as sad if Kris had left. On the same token, I wouldn't have been surprised if one of them went home the week before. Or if Matt went home this week or next. Its always been down to "Adam versus Danny" with Adam winning. And who cares about that?  Last season was awesome in the same way that season 4 was awesome in that anybody could have filled those spots. Yes, David and Carrie were the right choices for winners, but if they hadn't won, who cares? I would have been disappointed if Cook didn't win, yes, but I wouldn't have been disappointed if Archie had won. I was rooting for Bo, but wasn't mad that Carrie won. That finale could have been Bo versus Constantine, it could have been Carrie versus Constantine. It was a surprise. Last season could have been Cook versus Johns, Archie versus Johns, maybe even any of them against Brooke White. Who knew what was going to happen? Nobody! The boring ass predictability of this season is boring. But maybe people like boring. CBS is the number one station on TV and what the hell is even on that channel? I couldn't tell you because I don't watch it because it's a boring ass channel.

During the week, Gokey went home to Milwaukee so that Paula could text him and tell him that she’s chosen ‘Dance Little Sister’ for him to sing tonight. It would be funny if he never got the text and just showed up tonight with nothing prepared to sing. “What do you mean the judges choose a song? What? Nobody told me that!” Oh, how happy I’d be. Anyway, I do not know this song and neither does Danny. 

The Brother - “God, I hate him.”

Me - “You said you wanted to ‘get with him’”. 

The Brother - “That was before Allison went home.”

Me - “No, that was 2 days ago.”

The Brother - “No!”

No - “Yes, it was Sunday night right after we bought the concert tickets.”

The Brother - “Well, that was… that was… that was… that was a figure of speech.

I’m sorry, I was too busy typing that out to pay attention. Randy loved it, and Kara talks about his “money spot” and also that he needs to stop dancing. Paula thinks his dancing was “really good” and also that he did fantastic. Simon reminds the ladies that it’s a singing show anyway and Danny makes a big bag full of douche faces. 

As Ryan is giving out Danny’s numbers, somebody was yelling like an complete asshat in the audience. Or maybe it was Paula. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. 

Kara and Randy chose for Kris ‘Apologize’. I wonder if they had to duke it out to decide which song to go with. I love this song so effin’ much. I wanted Matt to sing it but I will settle for Kris, who is basically just Matt without the forehead thing. And a little bit hotter.  This is purty. Sights and sounds. I didn’t know Kris could play the piano. Or did I know that? I can’t remember.

Performances like this make me sad the season's almost over. Even though I’m more detached from the contestants than I've ever been, I will miss them all. Even Danny Gokey. I mean, I'll miss him like the way you'd miss a rash or that time you had Gonorrhea. But still. I'll miss him. 

Randy says this song choice is good because it shows that Kris could be OneRepublic if he wanted to. What? It’s Randy, so whatever. Take what you want from what he says. Kara bitches that he didn’t take chances or whatever. Shut up Kara. Why don’t you and Randy go jump off a cliff. And take Paula with you.  Simon’s like “Shut up, Paula. You don’t make any sense.” Then he yells at Kara for choosing that song for Kris and then complaining that Kris sang that song she chose for him. The judges argue some more, until Kara clamps her hands over Simon‘s mouth to stop him from making complete and total sense. I wish the stage would take this moment to collapse again.

Adam went to San Diego and then Simon texted him that he’s singing ‘One’ by U2. I have a hard time believing that Simon even knows how to text. He’s like my dad’s age and every time I text my dad, he doesn’t know how to respond, so he just calls me instead of texting back. This is a pretty song. Me likes it. Randy bitches about it and Simon boos him. Kara calls him “Un.Be.Liev.able.” Paula is miserable sitting next to Simon and Adam tells her just to punch him again, as she did earlier tonight. Simon loves Adam all over the place, which is weird considering Simon has always been the total homophobe. 

If Paula and Randy and Kara had a baby and made it ten times more annoying than they could ever be combined and then bred that baby with a baby made between Gokey and that girl who had the tattoo on her arm, and then took that baby and let it judge a dancing show… you’d get the same level of annoyance that I get from that judge Mary on ‘So You Think You Can Dance’. True story. 

Carrie is in Africa again, fighting the fight against Malaria. Or maybe it was just leftover footage from last year. I hope she sings ‘I’ll Stand By You’ again. That song makes me happy on the inside.  Also, ‘So Small’ which plays over footage of her playing with African children. 

TCreature3: i don't want to watch gokey

TCreature3: i'll brb

TCreature3: but he might crash and burn and i want to be a part of that

Gokey is singing ‘You Are So Beautiful’. I do not know this song, nor do I care. Oh God, I do know this song. This is the song Alfalfa sang in the little rascals movie. And then I think he started burping bubbles or something. I want to watch that! Can we put that on instead?  I thought it was meh, but the judges love it. The beginning was total suck, but the rest was alright. But nobody mentions the suck part, they just go on about how awesome it was. Danny makes a stupid douche face and is all like “I don’t care what the judges say, I‘m just gonna sing whatever I want to sing and do whatever I want to do because I am King Douche.” I am paraphrasing, of course.

Oh man, Kris looks hot. He’s doing ‘Heartless’ by Kanye West. He is so current tonight. It’s purty and acoustic and he’s playing guitar. I didn’t recognize the song until he gets to the chorus.  He’s so white and this is so purty.  I hate Kanye West but I like Kris’ version of it. The audience cheers like woah and then the judges freak out about it. And Kris should always wears jeans.  In case he’s reading this. S

Adam’s second song is ‘Crying’ by Aerosmith. Or is it ’Cryin’’? I don’t know. Kelly Clarkson sang this in some concert once. It was awesome. Sometimes she makes me wish I was a dude so I could do dirty things to her. Also,  I want to do dirty things to Adam as a man.  Especially while he sings this song.  This is like a finale performance. His parents are so proud. I love his parents. I love people who love their dramatic gay children instead of turning on them because they’re too busy having their own heads up their own ass. Adam gets weepy. Randy yells out the word “rock star” 18 times. Kara’s all like “See you at the finals?” Duh, Kara. Paula loves Adam forever. Simon wants everyone to vote for Adam forever. Adam is awesome because he raves about how awesome Kris and Gokey are. He’s awesome. He’s so David Cook and I love it. 

blozor636: Dude, Adam is so humble. It's David Cook all over again.

roarimaraptor: i love it

roarimaraptor: he's like the gay David Cook

blozor636: Gokey would be pushing Adam out of the way to make America suck his cock.

roarimaraptor: ha! i know

blozor636: And Kris... Would just stand there and make other men jealous of his looks.

blozor636: Because I think that's pretty much all he does.

I have no idea who goes home tomorrow. I want Gokey to but I think it’s been written in the stars that Kris will 

May 6, 2009 - Come on and cry, cry baby

The intro this week is less dramatic than ever. There’s lots of Slash and slow motion and odd lighting and the judges yelling about how awesome Adam is and how aweful Danny’s screaming was. 

stonehousekthx: I like how Gokey tried to be like Adam and then they were like "no"

The audience screams loudly for Ryan as he comes down the steps. Probably because they saw on tmz what he didn’t tell us yesterday - that when the stage tried collapsing last night, he fell - and they‘re happy to see he is alive. 

64 million votes cast last night! Jesus H. Christ! 

I want to see Kara body surf the crowd. I mean, I know they’d drop her cause they’re not the brightest bunch, but it would still be fun to see them try,

The Ford video involves Adam being awesome and then the awesome Adam walking down the street as a paper cutout of himself.  Wouldn’t it be awesome to have a paper Adam that you could dress at your will? I bet that’s how Adam sees himself. As his own little doll he can dress any way he wants. I like that. Adam rocks. Anyway, the rest of the Idols also become paper cutouts but I don’t want to play with them. They’re doing that ‘Move Along’ song by that group that does that ‘Dirty Little Secret Song’ that I once played on Rockband for like 4 hours. 

Group Medley starts out of nowhere with Slash playing kick ass guitar, Adam singing kickass singing, Kris being hot as he always is, then Danny screaming some more about how school is out for the summer even though he was told to stop screaming not 24 hours ago. This song will always remind me of Scream and all the teens who were murdered in it… I want to watch it now.  Except suddenly Allison gets carried away and pushes Gokey. Man, she should have done that last night, maybe she would have gotten enough votes to stay. Cause you know she’s the one going home.  

Gokey says something that I don’t bother to listen to because his douchey-ness has stopped registering with me and I don’t even want to care anymore. Kris is so beautiful, but Simon tells him to shut up and stop being humble. Adam had a blast last night as usual. Apparently someone people, probably just some of Gokey’s friends, made ring tones out of his nasty scream last night. Allison looks at Kara and makes stabbing motions with her hand. 

Paula is… performing? Okay. I guess she’s paid her dues. Ryan’s not going to perform next week is he? Even I don’t want to see that and you guys know how I feel about Ryan. I take that back. One time he sang that song that goes “Got a nice package alright, think I’m gonna have to ride it tonight.” I mean, that was wonderful. I listened to it on repeat for like week. I wouldn’t mind seeing him sing that on my TV. So Paula’s song is about dancing and how she’s just here for the music. It’s very Britney. I’m not sure how I feel about it. So let’s just move on. But wait:

roarimaraptor: I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT

roarimaraptor: opps

roarimaraptor: i didn't mean to yell that

Blozor636: I think that says exactly how you feel about it.

But really, I don’t have a whole lot of animosity towards Paula. Except Ryan then interviews her and it’s like, whatever. I’m just here for the music.

No Doubt is here singing ‘Just A Girl’. What the hell year is it? I feel old again. This song came out when I was a junior in high school. Guys, that was like… 12 years ago. OMG, I am so old. I bet half the people in the audience and two thirds of the people at home watching think this song is new. But I know the truth. 

Then everything gets so weird that I have to get up and let my dog outside. 

When I get back, mmmm David Cook. Also, Jordin Sparks, Bo Bice, Carrie Underwood, Blake Lewis, Archie, and every other Idol ever who ever had Idol cameras sent to their hometown. Mmmm, Cook. But dude, I forgot Syesha existed!

There are three drinking fountain stools for the top three and Ryan will announce them in no particular order. I think they should just play musical chairs. Play ‘Please Don’t Stop The Music’, but then stop the music, and whoever isn’t sitting… well, they go home. 

Kris is the first one announced in the top 3. 

Me - “He just shit himself!”

The Brother - “I just shit myself too!”

Remember how tiny Daughtry looked when he auditioned? Wow. Remember when he acted all Anoop/Danny levels of douche when Ryan announced he was going home? But he was awesome afterwards anyway? He released an album just a few months later like you’re SUPPOSED TO when you leave the show. Hint hint, wink wink. Anyway, he is singing a new song off of his new album, because he’s releasing a second album like you’re SUPPOSED TO. Wink wink, hink hink. There’s a hot guy in his band too. I must download this song. 

The Brother - “He sounds so different!”

Me - “He went through puberty!”

The Brother - “I know! Next thing you know he’s going to start growing hair.”

Adam is in the top 3... And so is Gokey. Son of a ….

I guess I knew it though. I knew it all along. And now Allison is… going home. And she cries as she sings her song again. And Kara stand up and yell and shout. Even Danny looks sad, and not at all like a douche hole. 

May 5, 2009 - Battle of the duets

Pictures of Clay Aiken’s 9-month son have surfaced, revealing that he looks like a Benjiman Button/alien version of Clay. Meaning he either looks like Clay if Clay had a baby with an alien or he looks just like Clay, but not like Clay as a baby, but rather as Clay now. At 30. He’s a 30 year old baby!! That is kind of exciting. But what’s more exciting?

American Idol! 

Remember when Adam was in the bottom three? And we saw Danny being undouchey for the first time? Yeah. I remember. But we see it again. Because THIS is American Idol and with only 4 people left, we have plenty of time to fill. Ryan tells us that we are “very live” tonight, as opposed to other nights when we are just sort of, kind of live.

Ryan tells us that the giant Independence Day stage almost collapsed before the show and so the Idols didn’t have a chance to run through a dress rehearsal. Also, they will be doing duets tonight. Oooh, I hope Allison sings with Adam! 

So Slash from Guns ‘n Roses is the mentor this week. Awesome, is all I have to say about that. I mean, Jamie Foxx? What the hell was that? But Slash? Awesome. At least he’s relevant even if I’m not quite sure that he even has a face. Or at least a face that people want to be looking at.

Adam is first singing ‘Whole Lot Of Love‘, which causes Slash to promptly fall in love with him. God, I love Adam. Adam is like the gay David Cook. I couldn’t be happier if he won this season. Unless, him and David toured together, in which case, my head might explode from awesomeness. 

So anyways, Adam is dressed like you would assume Adam as a rocker would be dressed like. His hair is super fantastic and he’s wearing jeans which always makes me happy except in extreme cases like when the jeans on certain other people who have been in this top 12/13. He’s wearing a necklace with little handcuffs on it. 

Kara is wearing a ring that looks like one of those ring pops after the pop part of it is gone. She gets a case of the Paula’s and starts yelling randomness , Paula calls him “a whole lot of perfect”, and Simon says that he was great but has ruined the night for everybody else because no way anybody will ever be able to top it.  We should just call this the finale. Except I don’t want this show to end. Ever. Even though I hated most everybody this season, I get sad when they leave. 

Allison and Ryan are totally nervous that the stage might start falling on top of them. Allison’s hair is looking awesome tonight and its because Adam hooked her up with his long-time stylist. Allison’s songs were a toss-up between ‘Somebody To Love’ and the song I’ve been waiting forever to hear somebody sing on this show, ‘Cry Baby’. She chooses the latter. OMG, you guys, seriously. I love this song like woah. If I could sing and went on a talent show, this would be my song. This and ‘Goodbye To You’ by Scandal. It is so awesome. She’s wearing leather pants and hooker boots… but it’s still awesome. 

Randy doesn’t think so, but whatever. He’s wearing some beads on a necklace, so who is he to talk? They tell her she should have sang “Piece of My Heart’ but Underwood already did that, so… no. She shouldn’t have.  Paula seems neutral on the performance and Simon liked it better than the rest of the judges, but he didn’t think it was too original. 

Pff, what do the judges know? Who do they think they are? 

First duet: Kris and Danny doing ‘Renegade’ by Styx. I love Styx. Because I’m old. The duet starts a cappella and then the jig is up ,the news it out, and the band comes in. It’s awesome I suppose. At least one of half of it is. The judges enjoyed it. 

Kris looks stunning no matter what he wears. He could wear a muumuu. Slash invites Kris to play guitar during his rehearsal and the Slash plays a long, which causes Kris to nearly wet himself. He’s singing ‘Come Together’, a song that has always thoroughly bored me. He doesn’t sound bad but it’s just kind of like… bleh. For me. Not to sound like Randy, but it wasn’t that good for me. Randy liked the guitar playing better than the singing.  Kara calls him “the softer side of rock”, but she didn’t like his performance. Paula says something about artistic delivery while Simon does something goofy off camera. Simon compares the performance to eating ice for lunch. British people are weird. But it was kind of boring. 

Danny is doing ‘Dream On’. Thank God, I already hate this song. Every week, I worry that Danny will sully a song I love. The way Scott Savol used to do. But we don’t see him around anymore, do we? No, we don’t. Cause I took care of that. 

Half of the performance is just him repeating the phrase “dream on” over and over again and then screaming like a murder victim in a horror movie. He’s wearing a handcuff necklace like Adam’s, only his is big and 

Randy calls it “alright”. He calls it a valiant effort which is the same thing I’d say to my toddler nephew when he tries to give me a high five and misses. Kara didn’t like it either, but she likes his growth. What? I don’t know. She commends him for attempting a high five and missing. Paula makes the audience scream about how awesome Danny is. Then Simon makes the horror movie reference like I did, which sort of makes us soul mates, which brings me even closer to marrying David Cook. 

Duet two: Allison and Adam doing ‘Slow Ride’. They’re both dressed like trashy rock people. Awesome!! I hope the finale is between these two!  Also, I think they’re almost wearing matching boots. The judges love it and Simon says that Adam probably just gave Allison a chance to stay in this competition.

Who goes home tomorrow? Based on tonight’s performances, Gokey should. But it’ll either be Allison or Kris. Just because that’s the natural order of things.