April 29, 2009 - It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that swing.

Me - “We gotta watch Uncle Seacrest now.”

The Niece - “I don’t want to watch Uncle Seacrest!”

Ryan looks ghostly under the white lights as he introduces the show. Like he’s going to tell us a ghost story. “One time there was a girl and a boy necking in a car and then a hook knocked on a window. And it belonged to DannyGokey! OMG AUGH!!” Then him and Kara will play Light As A Feather, Stiff As A Ghost and forever talk about the ghost they saw while they were playing

Randy is wearing a hideous pink shirt and Paula is wearing more cleavage than I ever thought she could wear. 

Ford commercial: The Idols are foot racing in black and white, which believe it or not, makes Matt’s forehead thing even more prominent than ever.  Then a Ford drives up and everything is colorized.

Group sing: Allison is wearing a dress over pants and Gokey looks her up and down because she’s legal now. Ew. Matt looks delicious as usual. As does Kris, but I‘m sort of over that tonight. Then of course there’s Adam and there’s nothing that can be said about Adam except he’s awesome as usual and easily two feet taller than everybody else. This medley is kind of a hot mess. But I think they’re at least singing live this time. I wish they’d make up their minds with this lip syncing thing. Then, a butt shot of Kris and I’m over being over him. 

Video footage of the Idols making cake to celebrate the birthdays of Allison and Danny. Speaking of. We’ve been doing this lottery thing at work and every week I use Kelly Clarkson’s birth date (4 and 24) and call it my lucky number even though it’s never done anything for me. Now I know why. Its also  Danny’s birthday. Back in the mansion kitchen, someone starts a food fight. I’ll let you guess what kind of a douche would start a food fight in the middle of baking a birthday cake. Then Danny is given a 6,000 bill to pay for the maid services to clean it. Ha! Well played, Idol. Well played.

Matt has tears in his eyes and is sent to one end of the stage. Danny looks like he would have tears in his eyes if he was capable of producing tears. And maybe he is, but I don’t know. He talks forever and I sort of black in and out until he’s sent to the other end of the stage. Allison is sent to stand next to Danny.  Kris stands next to Matt. Which leaves Adam in the position to pick a group, which is lame, because he‘ll refuse to pick a group and that was only cool the first time when Bo Bice did it. From then on it was just copycat. Adam’s all like “I love everybody!!” But he picks Allison and Danny’s group anyway… which is not the bottom three. What?!! Even Danny looks shocked, like he’s been replaced with a body double. Him and Allison stare open mouthed at each other for like 10 seconds, which is a really long time. 

Natalie Cole - or as I thought for a second, “Is that Fantasia’s mom?” - is here to sing some boring Rat Pack era song. Me thinks its time for a bathroom break. Afterwards, Allison still can’t believe she’s safe and Adam isn‘t. That makes two of us… plus, everybody else in the world. 

Taylor Hicks is here, looking well beyond his 30-something years. I’m sure it’s the hair, but it could have been the two bad albums he’s had under his belt. I liked Taylor when he was on this show, but I just have no time for him anymore. I don’t know why. But I do like his song ‘The Runaround’.

stonehousekthx: hear how people are politely applauding

stonehousekthx: they don't remember him, but Ryan said he was once on this stage, and they believe him

His guitar playing is awesome. Him and Ryan talk about how he’s lost weight because Ryan is obsessed with weight.

Matt, Kris, and Adam… Ryan sends Kris back to the couches… who will win if Adam goes home? 

Why won’t the performances stop?!!! WHY?!!! Jamie Foxx is singing/rapping some new song of his. So he’s a singer now? I don’t know what’s going on in celebrity land anymore. There is too much going on. Lots of drums and singing and clapping and dancing judges. I might have a seizure, that’s how over stimulated my eyes are right now. 

So down to Adam and Matt… I would make out with either one of them. Adam is safe and Matt says goodbye. I’m sad.  Matt’s going home to the tunes of Carrie Underwood. It just occurred to me that Matt kind of looks like Stan on American Dad. I’d still make out with him. And take him home, sweet home. 

April 28, 2009 - A constant evolution

Assume Fox viewing positions!

“Good evening” says Ryan Seacrest. He is coming to us live from Hollywood with our top 5.

I’m glad they got rid of that whole judges walking out to their seats thing. That was annoying. Not annoying? Ricky Minor and his awesome band. Tonight’s theme is “Standards from the Rat Pack era”. This could suck. Or it could be awesome. But it could still suck. Only time will tell. 

This week’s mentor is… remastered video footage of Frank Sinatra!! No, just kidding. It’s that dude from In Living Color!! I love In Living Color!! I mean, Jamie Foxx has done a lot of things since then, but who can forget In Living Color! I keep thinking of The Head Detective (the detective who was just a head with arms and feet) even though Jamie didn’t play that character. He is a good fit to mentor the Idols because he played a singer in a movie. Hmmm. Interesting. I sing David Cook songs in my shower. Can I mentor him? 

Kris is singing ‘The Way You Look Tonight’ and Jamie keeps calling him a “dude”. Kris is many things, mostly awesome and pretty things, but I don’t know if he’s a dude. What is a dude, even?  I don’t know, but anyway, this is very pretty. But it’s boring, like that rat pack music tends to be. Its lounge music for a reason. Cause it’s loungey. It’s for laying around and loungey. It makes me want to take a nap. But I can’t close my eyes because Kris is darling to look at. Everybody screams like they’re having seizures.  Randy calls it his best performance in the history of forever, and the audience does their seizure scream again. Kara tells him how high he’s set the bar, to more screams. Paula is wearing wrapping paper as a dress and calls Kris “ever so handsome”. Simon just calls it safe. 

I just noticed that Kris is smaller than Ryan. That must be miniscule. I bet Kris could fit in somebody’s pocket, that‘s how small he must be. 

Allison is wearing like a cocktail dress with feathers of  a swan for the skirt part. She killed a swan!! And she just turned 17 now. She’s singing ‘Someone To Watch Over Me’ which Jamie calls innocent. She’s legal now. There’s nothing innocent about that. I forgot to actually pay attention during this part because my brother and I were discussing that nasty rumor about Trenyce, Kimberly Caldwell, and Corey Clarke. You know what rumor I’m talking about. And if you don’t, so much the better for you.

Randy thinks there are 9,000 octaves in singing and that Allison has 9,000 more of them than Pink. True, I suppose. The judges praise her all over the place. Except Simon. Not that she’s bad, he just thinks she’s being overshadowed by everyone who’s better. Kara asks permission before speaking and then calls Simon crazy. 

Matt is singing ‘My Funny Valentine’ which he dedicates to his forehead pimple. I mean, in my head he does this. But still. Just because I only imagined it doesn’t mean it isn’t real. Jamie insists that Matt sing the song in a certain key and to hold a certain note a certain amount of time to slay the dragon and win the game. I’ve never liked this song. Except for those two weeks that I loved Constantine before I took antibiotics to clear up that infection. Randy calls it pitchy cause it’s like the only word he knows. Although he isn’t lying. Kara appreciated the singing, but he wasn’t emotionally connected to the song. Paula loves it because she probably wasn’t even paying attention. Although I thought it was pretty. Simon agrees with Paula and thought it was great. So maybe she was paying attention.

Download songs on iTunes, yada yada yada. Danny is singing ‘Come Rain Or Come Shine’. This is the song Carla is singing in The Other Sister when her boyfriend picks a cracker off her shirt. GASP!! His name was Danny too!!! NOOO!! That’s my favorite movie! How dare you forsake my favorite movie, DannyGokey!! 

There’s all kinds of trumpet and those glasses I hate. I have no opinion on the vocals cause he always sounds karaoke to me. The judges love it, blah blah blah.  I wouldn’t be surprised if they extended the season just to give us more Gokey.

Dude, I so want to see Dance Flick.

Adam is singing that song about how there’s a new dawn and a new day and a new life. Blah, I hate this song.  But Adam does wonderful things with it of course. He’s dressed all in all white suit and actually slinks down the stairs like he’s Jessica Rabbit. He hits a note higher and held longer than the one Jamie advised to Matt. Awesome. Let’s just name Adam the winner and let him and Allison and Kris and Matt sing every week until the finale. The audience screams FOREVER when he’s done. Like, FOREVER. Maybe it’s Adam’s fault they go over every week. The judges are practically speechless. 

To my disappointment, Ryan promises not to slink down the stairs like Adam did. Damn you, Seacrest! Squash my dreams, why don’t you!

Who goes home tomorrow night? Probably Matt. Which makes me sad, but whatevs. 

April 22, 2009 - You’re a train wreck, but I wouldn’t love you if you changed.

April 22, 2009 - You’re a train wreck, but I wouldn’t love you if you changed.

I don’t even know how to explain the opening, but it’s that same dramatic opening as always. Except this time Danny explains extensively how seven minus two equals five. 

THIS is American Idol.

Someone in the audience has a “Ryan’s biggest fan(literally)” sign. I guess I might be the un-literally biggest fan. I’m still not feeling the big boy suits though. I prefer my Seacrests in jeans and goofy t-shirts. 

Earlier this week, the Idols had some dance training with Paula Abdul. Paula is many things, but a bad dancer is not one of them. So this might be good. Everybody looks sexy during dance rehearsal except the girls, Danny, and Anoop. Well, the girls might look sexy. I don’t know. I don’t typically recognize female sexiness. And then Matt downloads his own performance of ‘Let’s Get It On’ to use as a ringtone. That’s awesome. No, Matt is awesome. 

Group song: Everybody but Adam is wearing sunglasses. Danny and Anoop are wearing hideous pimp suits that make me wish I didn’t have such an aversion to vomiting to that I could vomit on myself. Also, they are lip syncing again. Actually, they’re all wearing hideous pimp suits. But they’re wearing them with jeans so some of them look good. But the lip syncing ruins everything. Ashlee Simpson would vomit on herself. 

Then the Idols give Paula flowers, Ryan stops her from tripping over her own heels, she cries, and I roll my eyes about how I hope they never let these people ‘sing’ and dance at the same time on my television again. 

Back from the commercial, the girls are gone. Presumably changing out of the hideous disco dance outfits. The guys are sitting on the couch while Ryan introduces the commercial. It is the Idols baking cupcakes in someone’s  kitchen. Then Matt grows a beard and works at a construction site. Hot. Oh, the other guys are there too. But maybe not all of them. I can’t tell. It moves too fast and I can’t type and watch at the same time.

Last night, Lil still didn’t know who she was. Ryan sends her to the far side of the stage.  I IMed to someone, “What if right now Ryan was like ‘You’re going home.’” And then he totally does! She sings again but for no reason. Man, I wish I had some snacks in the kitchen so I could use this moment to go get some.  The judges are all like, “You’ll go so far in your life! This is only the beginning!” Except Simon, who I guess declines to speak. 

Then there is some old lady here to sing ‘Band Of Gold‘.

Kauly Jo: who is this woman?

Kauly Jo: and why is she singing K-Lo's song sucky?

roarimaraptor: ha!

roarimaraptor: i don't know

Then another old lady who walks like she’s drunker than Paula’s ever been sings a song I do not know.  

OMG, and then there’s somebody else!! He’s old too!! Him I know though. Someone of the Sunshine Band, with half naked women dancing around him. That thing I said earlier about wishing I had snacks in the kitchen? Now I wish I had a sparkly beverage of some kind that I could go get during this. Or I wish I had to pee. The Idols are swaying along to the music, but I wonder if they even really care. You couldn’t pay me to care. I would just stand there and sway side to side, thinking about what I’m going to eat after the show. That’s how boring this is. It’s enough to make me wish Danny would sing again. I’d almost rather be watching Fringe, and you heard my thoughts on Fringe yesterday. 

TCreature3: i wish they would keep their camera on Adam

roarimaraptor: yeah, we wouldn't miss anything happening on the stage

TCreature3: just hookers

Ryan calls this a shocking double elimination, even though it’s not shocking, since we’ve known since the season started that they would do a double elimination. Don’t make me want to slap you Seacrest. 

Last night, Kris figuratively wore women’s underwear, but tonight, he is safe. Adam was awesome last night and he tries to explain why he’s awesome and Ryan interrupts and is just like, “Sit down.” Danny stands up and… this is what happened. For a second, I looked into his eyes and thought they were pretty. I feel so dirty. Like dirty in my soul. But then I realized who I was looking at and that he was making that smile I’ve named the “Summer’s Eve Fart” smile and I got over it. Kris is safe and Anoop is in the bottom 3. 

Allison and Matt, arms around each other….  Matt is safe and totally shocked that he is safe. Which puts Allison in the bottom 3. I am happy and sad about this at the same time. I love Allison, don’t love Anoop.

Archie!! I forgot how much I loved him. He’s doing ‘Touch My Hand’ but I was hoping for ‘A Little Too Not Over You’. I still want to cuddle him, stick him a car seat, and take him out for ice cream. Maybe push him on the swings on the park. Then he can introduce me to Cook, and I’ll drop him off at a babysitters so Cook and I can get busy. 

True story: One time, my friend and I drew this cartoon about our future. I would marry Joey from NKOTB and her Jordan or Jon.. Or Donny. I don’t know, one of them. But anyway, in the cartoon we’d “Get married, have kids, leave the kids with the babysitter, and then get busy”. I guess we didn’t realize getting busy came before the kids did. But I digress.

This season has started to grow on me, but man, I still miss The Davids. I miss last season. I miss last season so much. It hurts my heart. I don’t even know why.

Archie is touring with Mcfly in Europe! Oh, how I wish I lived in Europe! Or did they say England… are England and Europe the same thing? I should brush up my geography. He’s adorable… but anyway, back to Anoop and Allison… Anoop is gone. WHOOOO!! 

His stubble actually looks kind of good… why did the guys all decide to grow stubble this week? 

Goodbye packages. Plenty of tears, but none from me. 

I’m not a complete narcissist… or maybe I am. I don’t know, but I’m curious how many people are reading this season.  With everyone moving from myspace to face book, my comments have dropped considerably and I can’t get a blog read count anymore. So now I’m curious.  Just take this poll.

http://www.createfreepolls.com/vote/Are_you_reading_these_super_delicious_recaps%3F

April 21, 2009 - I’m bringing disco back

You guys should know that I've had so many arguments this past week over whether or not Miley Cyrus can sing live. The consensus is that she totally and awesomely can even though I still think she can't. And by the way, if your only defense against why somebody isn't doing what they're getting paid to do is "I don't see you up here doing it." then you're an idiot and so is your momma. That goes double for contestants on this show who tell Simon the same thing. Simon’s critiques and you sing, that‘s how it is. This is my favoritest stage in the world. Don’t bring your douchbaggery onto it. 

Also, I thought of something. If Quentin Tarantino had written and directed Single White Female, you'd get that story of how my brother talked me into getting a haircut that, unbeknownst to, was the same haircut Adam Lambert has. Then in the movie, somehow Adam and I would end up married and then my brother would kill me by stabbing me in the eye with one of Adam's heels and then he'd tie up Adam in the basement like in Misery, only he wouldn't chop his feet off cause Adam is a dancing machine and he would totally like being tied up and just before things could turn into weird, gay porn, I'd come back to life (cause I was never dead in the first place cause he stabbed me in my fake glass eye that I got during some childhood accident which they'll have to flashback to in the movie, but it would probably involve a sandbox, a cup of kool-aid, and maybe a fish hook.) and destroy my brother. And Adam hooks me up with Seacrest and/or Cook and alls well that ends well. Also, the soundtrack would be awesome.

But enough about me. THIS is American Idol. Remember how Matt was saved and everybody was happy last week? Yeah. I do too. Cause they just reminded us with video package. Ryan is super excited, but I don’t know why. He just says its going to be an exciting week. Maybe he loves Matt. Maybe he loves disco, which is our theme. Our maybe he loves the judges. Oh. Simon’s wearing a white shirt that’s almost see thru. Now I see why Ryan’s so happy. I suppose I’d be happy too. 

I know a lot of disco songs, but none that I can name as actually being disco songs off the top of my head, so I’d sing that song about how heaven must be missing an angel. Or that song about loving the night life, and boogieing, and the disco round. 

We jump right into things, so we don’t run over I guess. Fringe must have finally put it’s foot down, even though you’re not really missing if you miss Fringe because it’s a stupid show anyway.  I gave it a chance. The previews are good, but the show itself? Not so much. Lil is singing ‘I’m Every Woman’. Can’t we be original? Can we sing songs that aren’t on the list of the first few songs that op into your head when you think disco? And wait, is this even disco? This is Whitney! This isn’t disco! Randy calls to “wild” but not in a good way. He says, truthfully, that it didn’t really show us what kind of an artist she is and that she should probably just go home. The last part I’m paraphrasing, but that’s basically what Kara says too.  Oh, and according to Paula, this was done by Chaka Khan first. So I guess it is disco. My bad. Lil gets teary and Simon’s all like, “Lil, don’t look sad. Just because you have no originality.” Then Lil won’t shut up like she does every week.

Kris Allen is also looking splendidly delicious in a white t-shirt. He is singing ‘She Works Hard For The Money’ because it tells the story of  a“….. woman.” He’s playing it acoustic on guitar. It’s awesome like it was awesome when Nathaniel did ‘Disturbia’ that one time before he cried and then cried again and then went away. Kara thought Kris was awesome. She gives him “props”. Paula loved it. She says that Kris shops in the women’s section which means he chose a song sung by a woman but which Simon takes to mean that Kris wears women’s underwear. But he doesn’t care if Kris wears women’s underwear because his performance was fantastic anyway. And Randy repeats it with slightly different words. 

 Danny is singing ‘Dancing In September’. I have nothing to say about it except that I got ticked off at him because I couldn’t remember the name of the song and I tried googling it but couldn’t understand a word he was singing. The judges thought it was solid, except Simon who thought it was awkward and clumsy. 

God, I hate that face he makes. You know the face I’m talking about. Either you love it or you hate it. I’m gonna name it “Summer’s Eve”.

Allison is sitting on the stairs, dressed like Nikki McKibbon. I hope she’s not mentoring innocent young girls like Allison.  She’s singing ‘Hot Stuff’. She’s singing it so differently that I didn’t even recognize it until the end. I liked the arrangement, but Randy didn’t. He calls her one of the best singers in the competition though. Kara agrees. Paula says something about compromise and edginess and how arrangements don’t effect her authenticity and how it was off the charts. Simon loved it. 

The crowd can’t stop screaming for Adam, who is wearing the exact same suit as Ryan, only black. And his hair is weird, but still sexy. He’s singing ‘If I Can’t Have You’. Ooooh. It’s so pretty. It’s so slow and pretty.  It makes Paula cry. I cry on the inside. The good kind of tears. Randy praises him, Kara can’t find words beside “brilliant”, Paula cries about it while Simon snickers at her, and I guess Simon liked it. I don’t know. Also, Adam still has a hot brother.

GASP! I forgot about Matt! He’s singing ‘Stayin’ Alive’. I like when Matt wears hats because you can’t see that thing on his forehead. Also, he looks damn good and I want to make out with him. Randy didn’t love the song, but thinks Matt can really sing. Paula calls it solid. Paula talks about his balls or her balls or somebody’s balls. And then something else weird. Sometimes Paula talks like a cave man... I hope those cavemen from those commercials don't show up in my living room now all offended. Speaking of them, can you believe somebody actually gave them a TV show? That's like giving Paula a TV sho-... Oh, wait. If you count this one, they've given her two. Who are these people who are just walking around handing out TV shows? Can I have one? They’re giving Fantasia a reality show! I didn’t even care about her life when it was a Lifetime movie and I love Lifetime movies!  

Anyway. Simon didn’t like the performance. He calls it desperate and unoriginal.

Oh man, I forgot about Anoop too. I’m not doing good this week. On Saturday I accidentally showed up for school an hour early. Anyway, he’s singing ‘Dim The Lights’. He’s got some dirt on his upper lip, but otherwise, he doesn’t look half bad tonight. I’m into white boys myself, but he’s cute.  It’s a pretty good performance. The judges like it, except Simon. He calls it his worst performance for awhile. I disagree, but it‘s not like I’ll download the performance either.

blozor636: It's good thing Anoop is dressed like a girl because he's singing like a girl, and we'd hate to get confused.

Going home tomorrow. As much as it pains me… Matt. And possibly Anoop. Maybe Kris or Allison, but only because nobody appreciates them.

JuleahFaye: i like kris more than anoop

JuleahFaye: but i like being right more than either of them.

April 15, 2009 - Anoop almost falls off the stage

Dramatic intro, flames on the screen, dramatic music, Quentin Tarantino, THIS is American Idol.

Miley Cyrus is here tonight, Jennifer Hudson is here tonight, and Ryan Seacrest is here tonight.

The Ford commercial tonight is finally a song I like, ‘Freeze Frame’. God, I’m old. Everybody is photoshopped onto the cover of magazines and all the guys look amazingly hot. Except that one guy. You know which one.

The group song tonight is ‘Maniac’. They’re not lip synching anymore, thank God. I want to kiss whoever put a stop to this. They sound great. 

Okay, I’ve got a true story about this song. One time I made this cartoon starring Clay Aiken, Ryan Seacrest, and some others. At the beginning Clay has pink legwarmers on and he’s dancing to this song. The same dance as that scene from Flash Dance. It took me weeks and weeks to animate and I never wanted to hear that song again and I’ve gone great lengths to avoid it. But tonight, I have no where to run. But the cartoon is awesome. I won’t deny anybody who requests to see it.

Danny Gokey’s voice sounds like Kim Caldwell if Kim Caldwell was a dude. Which, she might already be. But let’s just say she’s not. Actually, she’s like a chick who’s really a dude who’s really a chick, but is sometimes still a dude. Dip that in some batter, wrap it up in a bow, and you get DannyGokey. 

Me - “OMG! I have the same haircut as Adam! That’s why you made me get this haircut!

The Brother - “No… you should die your hair black.”

Those Idol bastards got to go to the premiere of 17 Again, a movie I can’t wait to see. And I’m not even ashamed to admit that. The Idols are wetting themselves over meeting the cast and the cast is wetting themselves over meeting the Idols, except Zac Efron who’s like, “Who are these people?”, and who is also in the audience tonight wearing a stupid hat.

By the way, I don’t approve of someone being named Sterling Knight. I mean, I’m just saying. 

Lil calls Danny old. Points to Lil. 

Allison had special sauce last night, was the only hope for the girls, and is safe. Girls scream maniacally for Adam, who was brave and Rocky Horrorish last night, and is safe.

Anoop stands up and Randy yawns. Ha! Oh Randy. Sometimes you are fun. 

“International recording artist” Jennifer Hudson is here tonight. I was bored then and I’m bored now. The song is more entertaining than the video package though. I like it. I want to download it.

Anoop’s all like, “I thought I was good, I don’t understand being in the bottom 3, but whatevs.”  Simon approves of him being in the bottom 3.

In case you were wondering, Kara and Paula are separated by like 5 feet, so they can’t talk to each other and run us over into the next show again.

Kris is still hot, in case you were wondering that also. Simon says he was brilliant last night, since he wasn’t actually allowed to speak last night when it happened. Lil was here last night and sang a song and now she’s back and she’s in the bottom 3. 

Last night Matt wondered if we had ever really, really loved a woman. I can’t speak for everyone, but no Matt, I have not. Unless that woman is Kelly Clarkson. In which case, then no I still have not. But I would. 

DannyGokey has some dirt on his face of which we will never speak again. I think he wants us to call it a “beard”. He’s safe and Matt is in the bottom 3.

So it’s Lil, Anoop, and Matt. One of them is safe… um… it’s Anoop. Hmmm. Wasn’t expecting that, but okay. 

Miley Cryus. 

The Brother - “What if it wasn’t even her?”

Me - “What if it was Chris Kattan as her like that time he was dressed as Britney? That was awesome.” 

Oh God, I love this song. I’ve lost all shame, you guys. I downloaded the soundtrack to her new movie and I cannot stop listening to ‘The Climb’. I burned it to a CD and I sing along LOUDLY in the car. I don’t care if I’m even in a drive thru with the windows open.  It’s a good track, but vocally, live, she wouldn’t even have made it into the top 12. Or 13, as this year would have it. 

Back at the stools, Simon says one of the two he’d consider saving and Ryan wonders aloud would it be Lil, but Simon won’t say. Ryan’s says “We’ll be right back.” and they forget to go to commercial break and instead the camera pans over to Simon making funny faces because we haven’t cut to commercial yet. HA! I love this show sometimes. 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! I hate this show sometimes!!! Lil is safe and Matt is OUT!! NOOOO!! 

So he sings again. I’ve always hated this song, like hated-hated cause it’s totally stupid, but Matt makes it sound so beautiful. The judges climb all up on each other and hold hands and make out before Simon tells Matt  he has no chance of winning. But then they save him. WHOOOO! I always thought this save was stupid, but now I love it. Everybody is so happy that Matt is safe. 

April 14, 2009 - And the road has been too long

Tonight’s theme, music from the movies. So I guess music that has ever played in any soundtrack of any movie. And according to Quentin Tarentino, THIS is American Idol.

Ryan accuses Ricky Minor of having stole his suit, and he wants it pressed before it’s given back to him. Ryan is wearing a dotted tie, Randy is wearing a sweater I think I saw once in that Fat Albert cartoon from back in the day, Kara is wearing one of Paula’s dresses with nothing on the shoulders, Paula is wearing a necklace made up of a big chunk that fell off of a spaceship, and Simon is Simon. He explains that only two judges will be critiquing each contestants because of the girls tomfoolery last week that ran us 5 minutes over into Fringe.

I feel sad as the contestants come out because someone is missing. And it reminds me of a story I must tell. One time, there was a guy on this show who was blind, and I loved him so because my love is also blind. Then he left and I was sad. True story. But the good news is that now my mom can stop asking me every week if blind people have tear ducts. And Ryan and Jillian Reynolds can stop trying to high five him and give him fist bumps. Also, she suggested that he played video games.

We get a nice long montage of somebody who has absolutely nothing to do with music or Idol at all, but whatever. I suppose Quentin Tarantino is awesome. What’s not awesome? John Travolta’s hair in Pulp Fiction. 

Allison is singing ‘I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing’. Oh no. I love her so much, but David Cook knocked this shit out of the park. Nay. Out of the planet. It’s like the exact same arrangement as David’s was too.  Simon and Paula loved it, and we don’t get to know what Kara and Randy think.

Anoop is singing ‘Everything I Do’ from Robin Hood. I wish he would sing ‘Men In Tights’ from the movie of the same name. Not bad. I’m bored. But not bad vocals.  I’m not sure what Randy’s opinion on it is. He talks about this week and last week mixed together. Also, I got lost trying to figure out if Anoop’s shirt is Burberry or not. Kara thought it was his best performance ever. 

Also, Anoop is single. 

Adam is singing ‘Born To Be Wild’. I hate this song, but damn, Adam is hot. It’s very rock, lots of lights and screaming and Adam’s hotness. I’m glad Simon’s get to critique this.  Paula stands up and screams like a maniac. Then the same thing happens with the audience for like 18 minutes.  Simon liked it, but doesn’t think the performance was as good as it was last week. Ryan flirts with Adam.

Oooh Matt G. He’s all kinds of hotness. Except the forehead pimple thing that nobody ever talks about.  He’s singing ‘Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman’. It’s quite pretty. I think Matt is my new favorite. Or maybe Adam. I don’t know. I don’t think I care enough to choose between the two. Or not choose. Randy calls it “interesting”.  Kara didn’t like it but appreciates that he sang it anyway. 

Gokey is sans glasses tonight. He tells Ryan, and the rest of us by extension, that he “got bored” this week and bought a guitar. No, he does not know how to play it. Quentin tells him to put his stupid hands in his stupid pockets when he’s singing. And tonight he is singing ‘Endless Love’. There’s a stupid harp and this is a stupid song. Endless love? Whatever. Danny of all people should know there’s no such thing.  Simon didn’t like the song. 

roarimaraptor: i don't even have good reasons for hating him

SweetyPi9897: i don't either

SweetyPi9897: sometimes i forget why i hate him

SweetyPi9897: but then i remember that he's just a huge douche bag and that's reason enough

Back from commercial, Ryan is sitting in in Randy’s seat going “Dawg! Dawg. We got a hot one tonight!“ He is so magical. Simon and Randy are in the background wrestling. Maybe over a chocolate bar.

Kris is singing ‘Falling Slowly’, a song I do not know from a movie I do not know. Wait… I think I’ve heard this song. It sounds sad and pretty, but I am so bored. This show is so boring this season!!  Randy calls it pitchy. Gasp!! Kara calls it one of his best moments. Ryan rushes us to commercial, so we don’t miss Lil, but ya know what? This is the third time tonight I’ve gone, “Oh yeah! I forgot about Lil!”

This is a boring, suckass episode. Which leads to boring suckass recaps. I apologize, but if they give me nothing to work with, what can I do? I can only call DannyGokey a douche bag so often before it loses it’s flavor. 

Douche bag.

HA! No, it’s still funny. 

Ryan is out in the audience surrounded by screaming, annoying girls. Girls are stupid. If Ryan was in front of me, I’d be working his pants off, not screaming about Lil Rounds. 

She’s singing ‘The Rose’. I’ve been hoping for someone to sing this song for years. So I hope Lil doesn’t screw it up. I have nothing against Lil, and she’s always good, albeit predictable, but if she didn’t show up tonight and nobody mentioned it, I wouldn’t even notice. True story.  

Simon didn’t like it and he’s frustrated with her because she’s been the same exact thing every single week since she got here. And she goes on and on, to the encouragement of the sheep in the audience (and that damn Paula), arguing. Ryan gets that nervous twitch he sometimes gets, like, “Guys, it’s 8. Shut up, we gotta go.” 

On watching Allison’s performance again, it was better than I originally thought. 

Going home tomorrow? Either Lil or… Lil. God, I hope it isn’t Matt. I love Matt. But I forgot about him again, until they got to his numbers again. 

April 8, 2009 - But my silent fears have gripped me long before I reach the phone

“Idol: This once only msg confirms your vote for Scott was received. Vote as many times as U like B4 voting closes. See the results tomorrow only on FOX!”

Yeah, I broke my no voting rule and text-voted last night for two hours in-between getting repeatedly killed in Shellshock 2. I came into the living room and someone, someone whom I thought I knew, was text-voting for DannyGokey. And that shit’s not going down in my house without me counteracting the evil with some votes of my own. 

Ultra-dramatic opening. You know the drill. Scary close up, dramatic music, and well chosen sound clips. And of course, THIS is American Idol.

Mario Lopez in the audience. Paula is wearing white glove,  Ryan calls Simon “Darth Vadar”, and Randy has a snake on his sleeve. Kara and Ryan talk about the non-evolution of the evolving of the contestants. Or something. 

Some guy who’s name I don’t know is here singing some song that came out the year Simon was born. This show was starting to make me feel old because last December I officially turned the age that makes me too old to audition which means that from now on everybody on this show will be younger than me. But now I feel young again.  I wish I knew this guy’s name. Whoever he is, he reveals that Simon was born in ‘59 and now we finally know his age. 

Oooh, it’s Frankie Avalon!! I know that name!! 

Group sing: The boys walk out singing “La la la la la la”, and then Allison is singing awesomely on the couches. Lil is somewhere doing something. Then Matt sings and sounds just like Allison. Anoop reaches out to touch Scott, perhaps to tell him he’s there, and then Scott reaches for Kris, perhaps to find out if he’s still there. Then Matt leads Scott down the stairs. I like the group effort they make to make sure he doesn’t get lost or fall of the stage. OMG, what if someone forgets one time and he falls? Can I just stand around the edge of the stage during the tour every night to catch him should he fall? But you know that the one moment he falls will be the one moment I’m not paying attention because I’ll be watching Gokey do something stupid. You know this will happen!! The lip syncing is much better than before. What is not better? Matt’s dancing. What is also not better? Adam’s voice. Because that is not possible.

Beind the scenes of a music video. Matt is talking in a creepy voice, but then cracks up. Adam has a green eye. The concept is a vaudeville magic show. This could actually be awesome. Allison has crazy make-up and hair, so basically it’s just another day for her. Anoop plays a valet and Scott worries aloud that they’re putting him in pink. Danny looks like the cat in the hat, if the cat in the hat was a douche bag. Scott and Adam do wonderful impressions of Simon. The real commercial is awesome.  The song is “Circus” and Kris is hot. I don't what Idol is playing at, but every time I see these commercials I get the urge to buy a Ford Fusion. But I can't afford one, so I just buy a V8 V-Fusion instead. True story.

Adam lies that he’s been watching this show for 8 years. Then everybody claps for the mayor of Matt’s hometown. 

Adam and Kris stand up and the girls go crazy from all the hotness standing up. Anoop stands up too. Kris is so tiny standing between the two of them. It’s like when Ryan used to stand between Constantine and Bo Bice and someone made an icon of it and wrote “Barbie and The Rockers” on it. Good times. Adam is safe and also has hot friends in the audience. Kris is safe, and Anoop is in the bottom 3. 

The first musical guest tonight is Flow Rider… or Flo Rider… or Flo Rida? Like Florida? Is he from Florida? Is he bringing oranges for the contestants tonight?

And so I feel old again.

Both IMs received at the same time:

stonehousekthx: what's a flo ryda?

blozor636: Float Rider?

I wish these rappers would write their own songs instead of stealing 80s songs and changing the lyrics. Except for the Katy Perry version of ‘Use Your Love’. That was awesome. Covers are one thing, but sampling is just lame. Write your own music or go home and get a job.  Then there’s a girl who tries to undress him, but she sings better than Lil Rounds.  There’s so many people on the stage with him. They’re not wearing a lot of clothing either.  If I could reach the remote, I’d change the channel. But it’s at least 3 feet away. 

Ryan takes one look at this Flo fella and says “I need to go to gym.”

I want to date Seth McFarland so he can talk to me in funny voices and make me laugh. 

I don’t even want to deal with the next contestant. But he’s safe anyone, so who cares.

I’m starting to like everybody, with the exception of the contestant I refuse to name in the sentence before this, so I kind of like this judges save now.

Matt’s forehead pimple just winked at me!! I don’t think it’s a pimple though, but whatever it is, get rid of it! It’s mocking me!! Matt and The Thing are safe.

Once Scott gets beyond the creepy blind guy look, he really does have nice, sensitive eyes. I want to stare into them even if he won’t notice. He’s in the bottom 3. Ryan leads Scott to Anoop, who leads him to his seat. I love this. But I am sad that he is in the bottom 3.

Allison is safe and Lil is not.

I saw Kellie Pickler on the back of a milk carton, no lie. I really like this song she’s singing, whatever it’s called. I’ll find out later and download it.

Kauly Jo: i hate that i like kellie

Roarimaraptor:: me too!

Anoop, Lil, and Scott. I’m on the fence about Anoop, couldn’t care less about Lil, and am tore up about Scott. Lil is safe. Grrr.

Anoop versus Scott. Anoop  looks mad and Scott looks nervous…. And my heart drops in time with that music that announces someone has been cut. 

Scott sings his song again… and then Simon says 2 judges want to save him and 2 do not. I love how Scott gets nervous in the middle of his laughs.  This is like an emotional, lengthy decision for the judges. But finally, Simon announces him done. He hugs Ryan so hard, you can hear it muffle his microphone. 

My heart hurts, guys. 

For the theme next week, I suggest they do songs that have people’s names as titles. Only, they change the names to Seacrest. I mean, they don’t have to. But automatic extra votes to everybody who does. 

“Seacrest, with your aim. Seacrest, for my heart. It’s only pain. What does it prove.”

“And Betty when you call me, you can call me Ry.”

“Seacrest. Seacrest. Can’t you  see it in my eyes. This could be our last goodbye.”

“Seeee-e-crest, I know this world is killing you.”

“God it looks like Seacrest. Must be the clouds in my eyes.”

“Who’s Seacrest, she said. And smiled in her special way.”

“Take me by surprise and make me realize, oh Seacrest.”

“Seacrest, don’t you lose my number.”

And so on and so on.

Or they could sing songs about each other. There’s a song called ‘Allison‘, and a song called ‘Danny‘. And another song called ‘Allison‘.  And another song called ‘Daniel’. Then there’s ‘Adam’s Song’. And ‘Danny’s Song’. I’m pretty sure there’s no song called “Anoop”, but between now and then I’m sure we could come up with something.

 

April 7, 2009 - But I make more sense, Paula

The contestants are lined up down the stairs again and you’ll be glad to know that none of them have crazy hair tonight. 

Ryan walks down the stairs first which completely throws me off. Also thrown off? A weird, bald guy in the audience who may or may not have been a mannequin. 

The theme tonight is "Songs From The Year You Were Born", or in the case of Allison, who is practically still an ultrasound, "Songs From Last Week".

The judges are already seated somehow and then Ryan shows a baby picture of Randy in which he kind of looks like Michael Jackson. Then baby Kara, who Ryan says looks like she “just made a poopy“.  Ya know, I did some googling yesterday and it turns out Kara has written like every song i've ever loved. Also, I'm surprised by how well she's fallen into place on this show. I thought I'd spend the entire season complaining about how her presence is like a rash that won't go away.

Paula’s picture is Paula. And Simon’s picture is him at about 10 dressed in a British armed forces uniform holding a gun. And awww, baby Seacrest. 

Sometimes I feel like this show is an April Fool's joke that won't ever end and sometimes I feel sad that it could, at any time, approach it's death and we won't even have seen it coming. Or maybe we would have. But either way, it could die and then where will we be?

roarimaraptor: what are we gonna do when idol is cancelled? 

roarimaraptor: ya know, after next season 

Kauly Jo: let's not think about that dark time now 

Kauly Jo: the world may end in the meantime and spare us such a fate

I never wondered how Scott walked out on stage with everyone without falling off or bumping into someone, which I should have considered. The answer is, Lil is holding his hand. That’s sweet.

I kind of miss Megan. I mean, I'd be horrified to find out that she moved into the house next door and I'd move my seat if she sat behind me in math class, but I kind of miss her misguidedness. Not the tattoo though. Thank God, the nightmares can finally stop!!

 

Oh nevermind. Gokay is still here. If I meet him over the summer, I want him to sign my program, "To my biggest un-fan. Love, D.G' okay."

I don’t even want to deal with him tonight. He’s first because he’s the oldest. I blame his dad for all of this, because he informed him that he could sing way back when, before he even realized he could sing. He’s singing some different version of ‘Stand By Me’. It’s too slow. I fell asleep before he even got to the part about the moon. All the girls scream. Then he speeds it up and it’s not any more entertaining. I remember back when I liked his voice, but tonight I find it annoying. 

roarimaraptor: zzzzzzzzz

blozor636: I was thinking the exact same thing.

blozor636: This is boring and he looks like a tard.

I want less of this and more Scott. Or more baby pictures of Seacrest so I can get an idea of what our children will look like.  

Randy didn’t like the arrangement, but liked the vocals. Kara didn’t like the arrangement either, but thought he killed it at the end. Paula uses some big words that add up to nothing at all. And Simon’s like, “What the hell are you talking about?!” Then he calls Gokey great. I have nothing to say to that. Except:

Patti: i'm gonna just start knocking off his fans

Patti: what if i accidentally typed "knocking up"?

Shrewlaura: Haha, unwed mothers, the lot of them! That'll teach them.

Kris Allen next. He never stops being hot. Kris tells us all how he went to a carnival on his day off and people were like, “Are you from American Idol? Can you tell Adam I said hi?” Ha! One time, when David Cook was meeting fans during the Idol tour, everybody kept asking him to go get Jason, so he went to get him and didn’t come back out cause he was miffed. I would have been too. Those ungrateful bitches. Castro was like 5 feet away from me in person and he is a beautiful specimen, but… he’s no David Cook. What kind of monsters trade in David Cook for Jason Castro? I don’t even want to know those kinds of people.

Kris is doing ‘All She Wants To Do Is Dance’ out in the mosh pit surrounded by fans, which wasn‘t even cool when Matt did it. Otherwise, not bad. Kara didn’t like it. Paula calls him one of the most likable contestants in the history of ever. Simon calls it indulgent, boring, and forgettable. I agree on the last two I suppose. I’d rather see him than that guy before him anyway. I think what Randy tries to say is that Kris got lost in the song. Ryan calls Simon’s  critque indulgent and predictable, someone calls him baby, he calls someone hotty, and he gives Simon the “we‘ll discuss this further in bed later” eyes.

Lil was born on a day once, some years ago. Lil was the name her parents gave her, not a nickname as everyone on earth and in Lil’s life ever, had assumed. She’s singing ’What’s Love Got To Do With It’. Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken, indeed. This isn’t anywhere near the original. Paula starts off by telling her how hot she looks, which means that was all she had going for her tonight. Paula didn’t think she made it her own “niche”. Simon calls it a “second or third rate Tina”. BURN!!! But true. Basically, he says she needs to start being original.

Paula - “That’s what I said.”

Simon - “But I make more sense, Paula.”

The other two judges concur. Lil looks like she might cry.  

I heard rumors that Anoop might sing ‘Who’s Johnny’. I’m assuming the El Debarge song, which would have been awesome. Unless he screwed it up, in which case I would have had to punch him in the face. But instead he’s doing ‘True Colors’. Also, he’s wearing an ugly sweater.  Something that Bert and/or Ernie would wear if they were frat boys. But before he sings, him and Ryan talk about how he was assy last week and he claims basically that he was replaced by a body double. This is sort of pretty. I have nothing bad to say about the performance. Except for the sweater. Jesus H. Christ! It’s hurting my eyes! People get beaten up for wearing stuff like that.

roarimaraptor: for real, it's blinding me

roarimaraptor: it would blind scott

Kauly Jo: it'd be a pity if he caught anoop's sweater out of the corner of his eye and went even more blind

The judges loved it. Agreed. Except Paula calls him a “rainbow”.

The Brother - “I think he’s gay. Talking about rainbows up in this piece. And singing Cindy Lauper.”

Scott was an adorable baby. As a kid he wanted to be a train engineer. That’s sad. Cause I’m pretty sure you have to be able to see to drive a train. GASP! He loves Halloween and creepy Halloween things!! So do I! It’s a sign!! He’s playing guitar!! And singing ‘The Search Is Over’ I’m in love, guys. For real. Seacrest who? He hit’s a bad note, but whatever. It was awesome. I don’t care what anybody says about him, I want to marry him.

By the way, it was brought to my attention last week that Hot Seeing Eye Guy has an actual, for real name. Don't ask me what it is though, I can't remember. 

The judges are all, “Who knew blind people could play guitar?” Kara liked it and didn’t like it. Paula thought acoustic guitar would have been better, but Scott claims it was his “punk side coming out”. I want to marry him. I’d say on a mountain top, but I’m afraid he’d fall off not being able to see the edge and all. Simon calls the performance and the guitar playing “atrocious”. You’re on my list, Cowell. 

Some girls yell that they love him and Scott’s all like, “I love you too… wherever you are..?” And then he looks around.  

We see pictures of Allison from last Saturday in which she was a baby and looked exactly like she does today. As a kid, her doctor diagnosed her with, “She will be a singer someday.” She’s doing, ‘I Can’t Make You Love Me’. I love this song. I was IMed by two different people at the same time asking me how dare she sing a Clay song. I don’t remember Clay singing this. Apparently, he sang it on tour. I thought I knew everything he ever sang on tour.  But oh how wrong I was.

Anyway, she was great and everybody loved her. Except Simon says that nobody likes her because she has no personality. Or something. He says she needs to open up more and be more talkative so we can get to know her. Agreed. Randy makes the Kelly Clarkson comparison and for the first time in my life, I don’t get angry. But I’ve been saying it for months now anyway.

In 1985, Matt Giraud was born. His forehead pimple is bigger than ever! What is that thing? But from behind, he’s hot like David Cook. He’s singing, ‘Part Time Lovers’. It’s awesome and so the judges freak out. 

Patti says: didn't sanjaya sing this? or was it a-fed?

Shrewlaura: It was Chicken Little, Kevin Covais.

Patti says: Ew, that just sounds gross

Patti says: that's probably why i don't remember

Speaking of gross, Ryan calls Matt “brotha” no once, but twice. Stop it, Ryan. I don’t slave over a fansite for you so that you can say silly things on TV.

Randy stands up and makes peace signs with his fingers and Ryan makes him sit down. But he doesn’t listen.

Adam was an adorable child. And nothing has changed.  He’s singing ‘Mad World’. He’s sitting and there are no lights on him. This is awesome! Adam is awesome! Is this the finale? Did he win? Are there other people on this show? Simon gives him a standing O, which knocks the entire planet of its axis. WHOO!

Kellie Pickler and Flo Rider tomorrow.

April 1, 2009 - She thinks you’re super delicious.

Some of you might know what Dial Idol is, some of you might not. It's software you download and then your computer will automatically keep redialing your vote. It keeps a tab of busy signals to predict the Idols placement. It's not always right, but it's pretty accurate most of the time. Anyway, apparently Megan's percentage of votes was so small it was incalculable. It's a computer! They can do anything! They assist in surgery now but they can't even calculate Megan's votes? Poor Megan. I wonder what it's like to suck at life and everything else.

 

This new opening disturbs me. It’s this dramatic music and they zoom quickly on the contestants giant faces, like this is a wrestling introduction or something. It’s weird. I bet Kara would call it “artistry”. The dramatic music does make excitement rise in my chest though. 

Alexis and Jason Castro are sitting in the audience together. Are they dating? Does her military school baby daddy boyfriend know about this? She should date Castro junior instead. They have more similar hair. 

Randy thinks it’s funny that people keep choosing the wrong songs.  Kara appreciates that the audience boos her for stupid reasons.  Paula says something wise, which is that the Idols need to already know who they are and they need to prove it every night. And Adam’s the only one who does. Though she gives them that they have the potential, which is a lie, but nice of her to give them hope. I think it’s an April Fool’s Day joke though. Simon thinks Anoop, Matt, and Megan go home, one of which is going to come true.

In the Ford commercial, their faces are mixed up and they’re singing/rapping about how they’re “all mixed up” and they “like it“. It’s better than the other commercials they’ve done so far this season, but it’s creepy in the same way that it’s creepy when Roseanne had that theme song where everybody’s faces changed.

Group Song: Scott is ‘playing’ the piano and they are ‘singing’ “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey. God. This lip syncing would turn Ashlee Simpson over in her grave. It’s almost as bad as those kids on Barney. But one good thing? They sound awesome when people can tamper with their voices. Adam’s the best though. Why? Because he’s Adam. 

Next, a video montage of how busy the Idols lives are. Matt doesn’t know what day it is, he’s so busy. Kris is hot in front of a green screen and even the camera guys tell him to make a “sexy face”. Anoop thinks he’s  a rockstar . Scott likes chocolate cake and I’m going to learn how to bake right now so that when we get married, I will make him a very happy husband. 

In the video package, Matt does a Gokey impresison which makes everybody laugh and then back in the present, Danny does a Matt impression and it’s just lame. I officially have nothing more to say about DannyGokey. And to fill more time, Anoop and Allison do impressions too, but those are kind of funny. 

Ryan makes Megan stand up first like she isn’t going home. Remember how Megan sodomized Bob Marley and then thought she had fans? Which you can't really blame on her since the audience was making a lot of commotion that could be mistaken for fanfare but was probably just that they were cheering because she had stopped singing, or maybe they all got mad cow disease or maybe Gokey put eyedrops in the drinking fountain and the effects were beginning to happen. I'm going to start pretending I have fans. 

Then he makes Matt and Kris stand up and now I have no idea what he’s playing at. But then he makes all three stand together on the stage. Then Allison, Adam, and Lil stand together. Ryan leads Scott over to the stage and tells Danny and Anoop to join him.

The Brother - “I think it’ll be Scott’s group.”

Me - “It’ll be Megan’s.”

The Brother - “Nobody likes Scott and nobody like’s Anoop.”

Me - “Megan doesn’t have any fans. She has negative fans.”

Two Wednesday nights ago, David Cook traveled to the future, tonight, to tape this performance and then he went back to his own time. Now tonight, David from the past who traveled to the future is here in the present to sing a song in a fiendish plot to convince us that this performance is live! Just like Carrie Underwood two weeks ago and Kelly Clarkson the week before that. They're trying to trick us with that which we love.  We're through the looking glass, people!

Time traveling David is hot though. He’s wearing a tie. I so want to have his babies. Or date his drummer. Or one of the guitar players, they’re all hot. But not the bassist. I wouldn’t have chosen this song ‘Come Back To Me’ as the next single, but whatever, cause his mom is singing along in the audience. I can’t wait to see the video, even though he kisses some chick who isn’t me and kind of looks like Taylor Swift. 

David is about 4 feet taller than Ryan now and about 2 times wider, like he ate Archie and whoever it was that came in third last season. Two blondes bring out a framed platinum record of David’s and he cries like in the olden days that I missed so much. They don’t show it, but I hear he presented it to his mom.

On the way to commercial, they show a clip of the video. It’s creepy because he moves backwards up an escalator and through an airport to kiss that Taylor Swift clone.

For the second time tonight, Ryan says that someone “COULD” go home tonight. I don’t like what that indicates.

roarimaraptor: i hope it's all a massive april fool's joke

roarimaraptor: and ryan will be like, "just kidding, you're going home"

stonehousekthx: omg

stonehousekthx: EVIL

stonehousekthx: don't tell seacrest or he'll do it, especially when he's pissy and on his period

Kris is safe. Matt looks like he might vomit, and Ryan says once again he has to take a seat. As Matt walks to the stools, Ryan’s like, “No, on the couches, sucka.”

The judges still don’t care about Megan, and when Ryan sends her to the bottom 3 stools, she flaps her arms and squawks like a bird. I’m not trying to be funny, she really did it.

Lil… is safe. 

Allison is dressed awesome tonight. I don’t know what happened yesterday. Then she’s in the bottom 3. She says, “Hey, familiar chair.” HA! Why won’t people vote for her?!! She is AWESOME! Get your act together, America!!

Adam is safe and his peeps in the audience are hot. The boy peeps. I mean, I’m assuming they’re boy-peeps. With Adam, one never knows.

Ryan pretends Danny might not be safe again and that is getting so old. I don’t get angry at you often Ryan, but I am angry right now. April Fool’s Day on this show is always stressful. It’s always stressful when anything can happen on a show where anything can happen!

Between Scott and Anoop, Anoop thinks he himself should be in the bottom three which is a modesty from him I’ve never seen. I like you tonight, Anoop. Scott gets led back towards the couches by Ryan and tries reaching for Anoop, possibly to hug or offer some sort of condolence. He looks confused that he is safe. Oh, if only he could see!!

If Amy Winehouse was a dude… and dressed in draq… you’d get someone they call Lady GaGa. But don’t try reading her poker face, because you won’t be able to. Her left eye has make-up drawn around it that makes it look like a cross between the wrist-eye tattoos that David Cook and Adam both have. This is awesome if you’re not looking at the screen, cause this song rocks, but if you watch it, it’s frightening. It’s like a nightmare I had one time. 

Allison is safe!! WHOOO!! And I don’t even care what happens next, so my dvr can feel free to cut out. Simon says he’s not even going to pretend that he’s going to use the save on her. But she sings anyway. I meant to say, she “sings” anyway. And also, dances really badly with Paula. She cries that she’s going home to her baby. This is kind of sad. I feel bad now. I mean, what am I going to talk about without the tattoo?

But you know what’s weird? I’ve never really like this goodbye song, but tonight, somehow, it sounds different. It sounds so pretty and I want it downloaded NOW. Allison and Megan cry together while the video package plays us out.