May 20, 2009 - Some will win. Some will lose. Some were born to sing the blues.

So we've got the city boy, born and raised in South Detroit and the small town girl, living in a lonely world and they both took the midnight train going to American Idol… Oh wait. I'm sorry, I was watching Glee again right before this. I love that show already. But I hope Idol never pulls that crap with me where it airs one episode in May and then makes me wait until the fall to see the next. I will roll over on you!! Ask Melrose Place what happened when they left me with a cliff-hanger season finale. Go ahead and ask! They’ll tell you we never spoke again. That was 1995 and the scars STILL hurt. 

Anyway, THIS is American Idol. The guys are both dressed from head to toe in white, except for Adam’s black hooker boots. But damn, they both look good in their pants tonight. Yeah, I went there. I got dirty. Wanna make something of it? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

 

Ryan’s “dawg”, Randy, is wearing  a bow tie. Kara is wearing GIANT earrings.  Paula is wearing a dress the color of skin, so it’s almost like she’s not wearing anything at all. And Simon’s shirt is unbuttoned to like his 7th rib. And Carrie Underwood is looking purty in the audience tonight. I don’t know most celebrities by name, so I can’t specify who is here… but there are a lot of them here tonight. 

Adam is stunned by how many people are here, and his microphone isn’t working right so we don’t actually get to hear how stunned he really is. 

Mikalah Gordon is in Kris’s home town with a skin and hair color I hardly remember. She annoys a poor little girl who can’t form words. Paula’s daughter perhaps?

Carly Smithson and her ridiculous tattoo are in San Diego. I guess that means they’re won’t be any kind of fight off between her tattoo and Megan’s. That makes me sad. I was looking forward to that.

Remember how we hoped and prayed for so long for Danny Gokey to leave and then he finally did? Well, he's baa-ack. Never was there a better time to climb inside a staticy television set. Earlier this week, Danny said he loves Michael Sarver in the “right” way, meaning the non-gay way, which is offensive on several levels, not the least of them being that it was Danny’s mouth doing the talking. Him and Miss California should get married and have a bunch of babies so I can have more reasons not to want to go to Church. I want to make out with a chick now, just to show him. Where’s a Clarkson when you need one? I’m glad after tomorrow night I will never have to mention his name again. Oh wait… the tour. Well, from now on I’m going to call him ‘That Guy’.

That Guy and the other top 12 are singing that Pink song about how she wants to start a fight with her husband, but so what, cause she’s a rock star. I love that song so much that one time I was singing along to it at the Taco Bell drive thru without even realizing that my window was open. But so what, cause I am a rock star. I got my rock moves. In my car. 

I forgot about Jorge!! Wait… who’s this black girl? Was she in the top 13 before? I don’t recognize her. I don’t recognize any of these people!! But I do love this song. Everybody is dressed in white, like lovely lovely angels who‘s names I don‘t know. 

blozor636: It's cool how they let everyone wear their normal clothing styles, only in white. It's like what the past season would have looked like if all the contestants died in some horrible bus accident and competed in Heaven.

GASP! I forgot to look for Scott!! I was supposed to stare into his eyes and sing ‘You Found Me’. My bad, I guess. 

My husba-… I’m sorry. I mean, David Cook is here singing ‘Permanent‘. I can’t believe he’s singing this song. He wrote it about his brother who passed away like two weeks ago. That’s brave. I’d break into tears before even leaving the house. He’s guitar-less and dressed in a vest with a tiny tie. It’s acoustic almost all the way through, but then, unlike the album version, drums kick in. OMG, I love it. I want to marry David so much. Also, his drummer. And dude, Andy Skibb is hot. A man on piano is always hot. 

Kauly Jo: i love how he's dressed like a rockin' banker

Kauly Jo: "you want a loan for a fender?  righteous!!  go for it!"

This performance is going to be available on iTunes and the proceeds go to an organization that helps find a cure for brain cancer. I don’t participate in the iTunes, but I will tonight. 

Heh. Justin Guarini is ultra tanned.

So we’re doing the useless filler of handing out fake awards to the bad singers. I won’t go through it, but think of some of the weirdest male singers from the auditions and imagine them auditioning again and then one of them being here and being given an award. NICK NORMAN MITCHELL GENTLE!!!!!

And the winner is… Nick Mitchell!! He comes out from the audience in a hoodie and jeans because nobody told he was going to be winning anything. Then he rips his clothes off, yells “hit it”, and sings the usual song. Nicely played, Idol!! I forgive you for not giving me the Tattoo fight off I wanted.  HAHA! This is the best moment of the night. I don’t even need to watch the rest to tell you this is the best moment of the night. “Norman Gentle ‘09. Peace out.” HAHA!!

HA! Ryan is wearing Nick’s glasses and hair band. HAHAHA! Oh God, I love you Seacrest. This is a good night, so far. 

Oh wait. Nevermind. Lil is singing. But oooh, wait! Queen Latifah is singing with her. I love Queen Latifah like woah, you guys. Not in a lesbian way at all and not in that weird way where I want to turn into a dude, but just in a “she’s so awesome and Bringing Down The House is hilarious” kind of way. Is Eminem dancing back-up? 

Anoop is singing that song I hate about…. I don’t know what. ’I’m Yours’ I think.  I hate it. Alexis is singing with him and so is Jason Mraz. In other words, nothing I care to see or hear is happening on the screen right now, so I feel like leaving the room. Wait, the other Idols are joining them. Scott looks as out of place as he ever did. It must be so weird not to be able to see anything on that big ole stage in that big old room in that big ole city. If I was blind, I’d climb into a hole and never leave it. 

Video Montage of Kris Allen. He auditioned, he high-fived Smokey Robinson, he played piano, he made it to the finale. Kris and Keith Urban are singing ‘Kiss A Girl”. 

Note to self: Download this song later. But only audio, because Keith Urban plays guitar like he’s having  a seizure, and who wants to look at that. 

I think Justin Guarini and Paula went tanning together and fell asleep in the booth. Or somebody - I’d guess Ryan or Adam - ‘accidentally’ left them in there too long like that episode of Family Guy when Stewie got a tanning bed. Well done, boys. Well done. You’re still the prettiest two here tonight.

The 5 girls are singing ‘Glamorous’. It‘s aweful. It‘s so aweful. That’s why we haven’t seen another female on this show for like the last 6 weeks, aside from Allison. But then Fergie is here to save the night. She’s singing a song I love, ‘Big Girls Don’t Cry’. Do you guys remember when she was on Kids Incorporated? Man, did I love that show. Apparently, I just love singing shows. That show was lip synched to hell and back… but still. I loved it. By the way, the Black-eyes Peas look like thugs. I’d hate to run into them in a dark alley. Or even a well lit alley. And ha!! Things cut out while they were rapping. I wish it had lasted longer. This is annoying. And tell Fergie to put some pants on. They do some weird shit that would be cool if this was like that Randy Jackson dance show. But it’s not. So shut up and move on.  Except all the judges stand up and clap and Ryan calls them “number one”. Shut up, Seacrest. I never say that to you, but I say it now. 

Another award. “Best Attitude”. Nominees are Bikini Face, some crazy girl, and another crazy girl I don’t remember who chops up ‘Because of You‘ so badly that it kills Kelly Clarkson and then spins her around in her freshly dug grave. Ew, bikini on stage. I refuse to recap this part. Except that Ryan makes a joke about her new boob job. 

HA! Okay, but then Kara comes out singing and that is awesome. I mean, it would be awesome if it wasn’t Bikini Face on stage with her. Even David Cook is loving it. But he better be keeping his eyes to himself if he knows what’s good for him!!

Kara flashes her own bikini, in a non-trashy way, and so Ryan donates money to some charity for it. 

Ryan harasses his dad in the audience and then Allison is singing ‘Time After Time’ with Cyndi Lauper and her crotch. Allison is magical, ya’ll. I’d like to learn her last name one of these days.

Both IMs received at the same time:

Kauly Jo: is cindy seizing?

blozor636: Cindy Lauper's going into a seizure!

Ryan goes to talk to Kris’s parents and his mom admits that this spectacle has already made her forget why they were even here. Me too! I forgot all about Kris or Adam until just now. They could have just ended the show at 9, and not announced a winner, and I wouldn’t even have realized until sometime during lunch tomorrow. 

“That Guy” is sitting on the steps singing ‘Hello’. David Cook must be spinning in his chair! And then Lionel Richie is here. I wish he’d sing ‘Penny Lover’. I do love that song, and so does Seacrest.  But they sing some other songs that go on forever and ever. It’s so long that you can the difference in the beard growth on “That Guy” from the beginning to end. 

Adam’s journey: He started performing when he was ten, then he came here and audition, and then he took the country by storm. Then he started talking about his period.  Then he came on stage wearing a jacket that looks like he got tangled up in a tumbleweed. He’s wearing giant boots, and leather pants, and handcuffs, and OMG, he’s singing ‘Beth’. This is probably every Kiss fan’s least favorite song, but it’s my favorite. I LOVE THIS SONG! Then Adam and Kiss are singing ‘Detroit Rock City’ and ‘I Wanna Rock and Roll All Night‘. Seriously, if anybody wore what Adam is wearing, they’d be laughed off the planet. But somehow… he makes it awesome. That must be what rock and roll is really about.

Carlos Santana. Boring. Ooh, but then Matt. I forgot about Matt.  Then the rest of the Idols come out. Adam is wearing suspenders and  it makes me want to have his babies. I mean, I’m committed to David and Ryan and all, but neither one of them ever calls, so if Adam and I decide to hook up… well, it’s their own faults for neglecting me. Everyone is wearing black and red and looking snazzy. Except Scott can’t find the camera ever. He kind of fumbles around cause nobody is holding on to him. I love me all kinds of Scott, but he needs to stay behind an instrument. The awkward movements just make me sad. 

The Ford video is a song I love and must download. Once I find out the name.

But then there’s a video of David Cook, my sugar daddy, giving Adam and Kris the keys to a car. 

Then Sarver and Arm Tattoo are singing while Steve Martin plays the banjo. This is like a parody. Is this SNL? Is that Kristin Wig? I do love Steve Martin though. I want to watch ‘Cheaper By The Dozen’ now. 

All the boys are in black suits singing ’Do Ya Think I’m Sexy’. No, but I do want to vomit right now. Oooh, except for Matt. And Adam. And sometimes Scott. It’d be awesome if they sang ‘Men In Black’. And then Rod Stewart is here, looking and sounding like he just spun himself right out of his grave.  There’s dancing and banjos, and Paula’s boobs, and Bo Bice and celebrities spazzing in the audience.

Another award. For outstanding female. I don’t remember any of these people. They’re so un-rememberable that there’s no point in doing this.  Why are they doing this? Oh. Tatiana. That’s why. Her laugh makes me want to shoot myself. Or her. But I will not do jail time for her! Ha! Even young Cody was rolling his eyes at her even way back when. 

Ryan screams like her, but makes her stay at her seat - which is directly behind Cook - but she runs up on stage anyway and is chased down by stage hands. She takes the mic and sings anyway and Ryan gets all twitchy because we’re running out of time and she just won’t stop. 

Mmmmm, Kris and Adam singing ‘We Are The Champions’. Kris and Adam are high fiving and kicking equal amounts of ass. Oooh, I hope the final vote is a tie! 

Wait a second… why the hell didn’t Scott sing? I’ve been waiting all effin’ night. Asswads.  Let’s see if I ever watch this show again!

Simon gets all Paula and is like, “Gosh, I love you both, I wish you both could win.” 

The entire audience is holding hands…. and the winner is… Kris? Both Kris and my mouth’s drop open.  Kris can’t believe it and Adam shakes him like a British nanny.  Someone comes out and hands him a trophy. Hmmm, a trophy. Nice. 

This is weird. This is so weird. I want to say I hate this show… but I like Kris. And also, I can’t wait until next season to start. 

HA! Allison and Adam are rocking out while Kris sings that stupid song - which I am totally going to download later, but don’t tell anyone - and that is awesome. I love Adam. He’s a good guy. Cause you know if this had been Tatiana coming in second, it would have been a bitch fest. 

blozor636: She'd explode.

blozor636: Like, literally.

blozor636: There would be guts and crazy herpes everywhere.

I’m sad now. What will I do with myself? How else will I get attention if I don’t have recaps to write. 

Its been a nice season. Sort of boring. But nice anyhow. This is the future Mrs. David Cook signing out. 

May 19, 2009 - Nothing’s over till it’s over

It is the final showdown, as Ryan tells us. Acoustic rocker versus the glam rocker. Conway versus California. The Guy Next Door versus The Guyliner. And yes, I accidentally typed “gay liner” at first. 

Randy is dressed like an idiot, Kara has the smoothly shaved armpits she always has, Paula’s hair looks like she just woke up, and Simon is fancied up. 

Carly and her tattoo are in the audience. I want her tattoo and Tattoo Girl’s tattoo to battle it out. That would be awesome. Speaking of. Last week Kelly Clarkson was on Ellen and she said she likes Arm Tattoo Megan. I am disgusted. But then again, she also said she likes Allison so it sort of evens out. But then she couldn't remember Allison's name even though Allison is just a smaller, slightly less awesome version of her.

 

Kris won the coin toss last week and has decided to go second. 

Ryan warns us  - the people who are already watching - that if we aren’t going to be watching tonight or tomorow, to set our DVRs longer because they will probably, most definitely go over time. He’s finally figured it out?

Adam was insane as a baby, is what we learn from his video package tonight. He’s singing ‘Mad World’ again.  It’s the same as last time, except there is lots of  fog and he’s dressed like Nick Carter in the ‘Show Me The Meaning’ video. Only prettier. There is lots of clapping clapping clapping. I love how proud Adam’s dad always is. I think Adam’s dad should adopt every gay boy who’s daddy doesn’t accept him. They’d need a big house, but it’d be a happy family.

Ya know, a wise man once told me that this is the time to be more than a name or a face in the crowd and that this is the time of our lives. I'd still have babies with that man. Whoever he was.

 

Randy gives his performance and “A for Adam!” Kara loves him and won’t stop about how awesome he is. Paula flirts like she didn’t get the gay memo. Simon though it was too theatrical because he’s dressed  all Columbine. Then Randy starts yelling about Twilight. Oh Randy, will you ever find your place in this world?

Kris didn’t like to sing in front of his family as a kid, but then they started paying him to sing, and now here we are at the American Idol finale. Which Ryan thinks is adorable. Oh Ryan. I love ye. I haven’t said it enough this season. 

Kris is at the piano singing ‘Ain’t No Sunshine’. I’m so glad this isn’t Danny Gokey singing.  How disgusting would that be?  This is so much better than the first time he did it. Even though I don’t remember that first time. But I’m imaging this is better. 

Randy shouldn’t talk sometimes. Especially when he’s wearing that ridiculous suit. 

Kauly Jo: seriously.  who dressed randy???

roarimaraptor: his mom

Kauly Jo: is she blind like scott??

Kara freaks out some more. What is wrong with that girl? Seriously. Simon loves Kris and Kris pretends like he might cry.

Back from commercial, Ryan harasses an Asian girl in the audience.

Creator Simon Fuller has chosen ‘A Change Is Gonna Come’ for Adam to sing. He’s wearing a shiny suit. This finale is full of pretty. Seriously, these two are prettier than any two females could have made this finale. I’ve never seen such emotion put into a song on this show.

Randy freaks out about how unbelievable he was. Then Kara freaks out. Then Paula stands up and freaks out and calls him “iconic”. 

Matt Giraurd is looking hot in the audience and Scott’s all like, “I can’t even see anything!”

Adam flirts with Ryan and then somebody let Katie Holmes into the building with her clone-baby.  The audience tonight is almost more entertaining than the contestants. 

About 5 commercials and Paula’s hair is still a hot mess. I thought maybe they’d take a comb to it during a break, but I guess not. 

Kris is singing ‘What’s Going On”. He looks and sounds good, but there’s nothing much more to say about it. I can’t even concentrate on anything with this outfit Randy. I mean, I can’t even describe it. 

Kara freaks out about the song choice, even though it wasn’t his choice, but the choice of the mysterious Simon Fuller whom we never see. Simon didn’t like it and so Ryan makes a gay joke.  

Ryan is in the audience surrounded by the other 11 contestants. Two somebodies we all know and have tried hard to forget makes douche faces and Scott’s all like “I still can’t see anything!”

Adam is singing the coronation song, co-penned by Kara. Why do I love everything Kara writes? 

The audience messes itself over the performance. Randy calls it pitchy, which is totally isn’t. Kara is moved to pieces over Adam singing a song she co-wrote and Adam is moved to pieces over Kara writing a song for him to sing. Gag me. Paula’s a fan forever and Simon hates the stupid lyrics of the song, but loves Adam and quite possibly wants to have his babies.   

Kris is singing… the same song that Adam sang. It’s not very good. I mean, it’s not bad, but it’s not better than Adam’s. Randy’s ridiculous tie and suit and jacket… and head and voice distract me from what he actually says. Kara thought the song was too high for Kris which means she totally wrote it for the key of Adam. Nice move, Kara. Nice. Paula says nothing of worth. 

While Ryan is giving out his numbers, Kris stares at Ryan’s profile like he’s falling in love. Seacrest is mine, bitch! I will fight you!! I don’t care if I outweigh you!  I will destroy you! I will shut it down!

Woah, I’m sorry. I haven’t drank enough water today. I always get crazy when that happens.

And woah again. Adam is wearing acid washed jeans… or are they leather? Acid washed leather? 

WHOOO! Carrie!! She’s dressed like 80s week during her season!! I love it. She sings over a montage of all the contestants from this season. I wish I could remember any of their names. Omg, I forgot about Von Smith! Omg, I forgot about Bikini Girl! Omg, I forgot about Nick! Omg, I forgot about Nathaniel! Omg, I forgot about Allison!! All these people who’s names I don’t know!! And then there’s Anoop who I’ve tried to forget but can’t because just when I think he’s gone, there he is again. Did you guys hear the rumor that he’s dating Arm Tattoo? 

Next up, Glee is on! Tomorrow, David Cooks sings a sad song for charity and Adam Lambert wins!

May 13, 2009 - I can see the red tail lights heading for Spain

For some reason, that desk the judges sit behind during auditions is in the “Smithsonian”, so the cast of that new Night At The Museum movie are talking about. Ben Stiller and that one funny guy from SNL who’s name I can never remember lies that Paula inspires people from behind said desk.  

The Ford commercial this week - or “music video”, as Seacrest calls it - starts out as a cartoon. Then they turn real. But the background is still cartoon. But then it’s real and there’s a storm. And then nothings gonna break their stride, ain’t nothing gonna hold them down, as they turn back into cartoons, then back into people again, and drive off. 

Alicia Keys is wear a bath towel as a dress, on this here Idol stage, for reasons I don’t know. Something about kids with HIV in Africa. One of these kids from Africa - and he actually looks like Tracey Junior on 30 Rock - is here singing/rapping/chanting some song. I don’t know why. He’s a kid, so I won’t mock him. But I don’t know why this is going on. I mean, filler, I know, but of all the filler things that could have been? We get this? But it’s funny, cause he’s like 10 but almost as tall as Ryan. And then Ryan dances, and that is always good times. 

There’s a cougar in the audience who apparently loves Danny. She loves him so much, she has a sign. Hmmm. As soon as they show the sign, a tornado watch shows up on my screen. Oh Danny. Even the weather wants you destroyed. 

Blah blah, yawn yawn, Danny in his hometown signing autographs, radio interviews. A poor, misguided young sap chases his limo down the street and he cries during a parade. Then the mayor makes him like King of the city or something. I wish I cared. 

Kris is like the hottest thing ever . I mean, barring David Cook, of course. It must be so weird to be from Arkansas. I wonder if Paula pronounced it “Are Kansas”.  Kids in his town scream over the sounds of ‘Everybody Wants To Rule The World’. GASP! Does this mean he’ll win? Kris’s dad talks like a woman. Then Kris goes and sings at his old college. If I went on this show, I’d never go and sing at my old school. Those bastards.  What did they ever do for me but make me one time spend my lunch break in a bathroom stall. 

I think Kris made mayor too. I don’t know. His dad cries and talks like a woman some more. Kris is hot through-out all of this, by the way. 

Jordin Sparks!!  She’s come down the stairs, which are covered in smoke. What if everyone thought this was an effect but really the stage was on fire? That’d be fun. Why does Jordin look like she’s 30? I don’t know either. She’s doing some spazzy thing,  but this song is awesome. I mean, I don’t know what she’s saying, but it sounds awesome. 

TCreature3: this song doesn't have lyrics does it?

TCreature3: i think she is writing as it as she goes

Dude, I don’t know when I turned 12 again, but I can’t wait for ‘Glee’. 

Adam is hot. I take back what I said about Kris being the hottest thing ever, besides David Cook.  Ew Anoop. He ruined the hotness fantasy.  Whooo Allison!!  I like when old eliminated contestants come back. 

Adam’s hometown of San Diego. His limo is huge, guys. You could fit all 13 Idols and the judges and Ryan in that thing. Adam plays around in front of a green scream with some weird lady who then makes him put her eyeliner on her. What a weirdo… do you guys think Adam would put eyeliner on me? 

A middle-aged man asks Adam to sign his shirt. A little boy tries to high five Adam and then asks him how he got to be so awesome. All the children have a good laugh over Adam’s crazy hair. Then a girl scares him with her boobs. Man, Adam gets so many songs playing over his package. ‘Come Home’ and some bad cover of ‘Baby O’Riley’. 

Heh. I said package. 

Why is everybody but Scott in the audience? Because he can’t see, they don’t even give him tickets?

Katy Perry is here and the only song I care of hers is ‘Use Your Love’ and she‘s not singing that so I don‘t even care. The only person I care about waking up in Vegas is Carrie Underwood that time she shacked up with some guy without knowing his last name. 

Danny wants us to skip this and announce the results, and even though I agree, shut up. Then Adam yells “I wanna see Katy Perry!” I don’t, but I love you, Adam. And on second thought, I kind of like this song. The verses are uneventful like most Katy Perry songs are, but the chorus is awesome. Her cape says “Adam Lambert” on the back, which is awesome, but I’m disconcerted by the fact that she’s not wearing pants. And the boobs that are all over the place. 

DIM THE LIGHTS!!

Kris is in the finale!! KRIS IS IN THE FINALE!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

88 million votes… 

… ADAM!!!!!! 

Here we go again. The wife thing. Danny loves watching himself on video. Adam cries while Danny sings, marginally better than last night, I must say. The singing, not the crying. It’s actually pretty. Why hasn’t he been this good before? 

Blozor636: At least Gokey had the chance to smear cake all over Allison's body before he got voted off. How many people can say that?

Simon talks about a “big ding dong” and Ryan rushes us off the air, cause that’s just weird. 

May 12, 2009 - Adam rox my sox.

The Brother - "What is Bones?"

Me - "Things in your body? A TV show?"

The Brother - "No, Bones. Her career. What is she?"

Me - "Forensic anthropologist."

The Brother - "Yeah. That's what I want to be. I just thought of that when I was taking a dump. Also, what if I woke up and I had a vagina." 

THIS is American Idol. 

Paula is sitting backwards tonight because she’s insane. Ryan and Simon both have that playful look in their eyes. Oooh, I hope some shenanigans are going down tonight. We need it. I’m bored. 

I think I've figured out why this season is so boring. There is no contest and there never really has been. Adam has been the front runner from the get-go. Minus all the douchery of a few who shall remain unnamed, everybody is the same person, just with a different face. That's why its so hard to rank who will go home next since Megan left. They're practically the same. I was sad when Allison left but I would have been just as sad if Kris had left. On the same token, I wouldn't have been surprised if one of them went home the week before. Or if Matt went home this week or next. Its always been down to "Adam versus Danny" with Adam winning. And who cares about that?  Last season was awesome in the same way that season 4 was awesome in that anybody could have filled those spots. Yes, David and Carrie were the right choices for winners, but if they hadn't won, who cares? I would have been disappointed if Cook didn't win, yes, but I wouldn't have been disappointed if Archie had won. I was rooting for Bo, but wasn't mad that Carrie won. That finale could have been Bo versus Constantine, it could have been Carrie versus Constantine. It was a surprise. Last season could have been Cook versus Johns, Archie versus Johns, maybe even any of them against Brooke White. Who knew what was going to happen? Nobody! The boring ass predictability of this season is boring. But maybe people like boring. CBS is the number one station on TV and what the hell is even on that channel? I couldn't tell you because I don't watch it because it's a boring ass channel.

During the week, Gokey went home to Milwaukee so that Paula could text him and tell him that she’s chosen ‘Dance Little Sister’ for him to sing tonight. It would be funny if he never got the text and just showed up tonight with nothing prepared to sing. “What do you mean the judges choose a song? What? Nobody told me that!” Oh, how happy I’d be. Anyway, I do not know this song and neither does Danny. 

The Brother - “God, I hate him.”

Me - “You said you wanted to ‘get with him’”. 

The Brother - “That was before Allison went home.”

Me - “No, that was 2 days ago.”

The Brother - “No!”

No - “Yes, it was Sunday night right after we bought the concert tickets.”

The Brother - “Well, that was… that was… that was… that was a figure of speech.

I’m sorry, I was too busy typing that out to pay attention. Randy loved it, and Kara talks about his “money spot” and also that he needs to stop dancing. Paula thinks his dancing was “really good” and also that he did fantastic. Simon reminds the ladies that it’s a singing show anyway and Danny makes a big bag full of douche faces. 

As Ryan is giving out Danny’s numbers, somebody was yelling like an complete asshat in the audience. Or maybe it was Paula. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. 

Kara and Randy chose for Kris ‘Apologize’. I wonder if they had to duke it out to decide which song to go with. I love this song so effin’ much. I wanted Matt to sing it but I will settle for Kris, who is basically just Matt without the forehead thing. And a little bit hotter.  This is purty. Sights and sounds. I didn’t know Kris could play the piano. Or did I know that? I can’t remember.

Performances like this make me sad the season's almost over. Even though I’m more detached from the contestants than I've ever been, I will miss them all. Even Danny Gokey. I mean, I'll miss him like the way you'd miss a rash or that time you had Gonorrhea. But still. I'll miss him. 

Randy says this song choice is good because it shows that Kris could be OneRepublic if he wanted to. What? It’s Randy, so whatever. Take what you want from what he says. Kara bitches that he didn’t take chances or whatever. Shut up Kara. Why don’t you and Randy go jump off a cliff. And take Paula with you.  Simon’s like “Shut up, Paula. You don’t make any sense.” Then he yells at Kara for choosing that song for Kris and then complaining that Kris sang that song she chose for him. The judges argue some more, until Kara clamps her hands over Simon‘s mouth to stop him from making complete and total sense. I wish the stage would take this moment to collapse again.

Adam went to San Diego and then Simon texted him that he’s singing ‘One’ by U2. I have a hard time believing that Simon even knows how to text. He’s like my dad’s age and every time I text my dad, he doesn’t know how to respond, so he just calls me instead of texting back. This is a pretty song. Me likes it. Randy bitches about it and Simon boos him. Kara calls him “Un.Be.Liev.able.” Paula is miserable sitting next to Simon and Adam tells her just to punch him again, as she did earlier tonight. Simon loves Adam all over the place, which is weird considering Simon has always been the total homophobe. 

If Paula and Randy and Kara had a baby and made it ten times more annoying than they could ever be combined and then bred that baby with a baby made between Gokey and that girl who had the tattoo on her arm, and then took that baby and let it judge a dancing show… you’d get the same level of annoyance that I get from that judge Mary on ‘So You Think You Can Dance’. True story. 

Carrie is in Africa again, fighting the fight against Malaria. Or maybe it was just leftover footage from last year. I hope she sings ‘I’ll Stand By You’ again. That song makes me happy on the inside.  Also, ‘So Small’ which plays over footage of her playing with African children. 

TCreature3: i don't want to watch gokey

TCreature3: i'll brb

TCreature3: but he might crash and burn and i want to be a part of that

Gokey is singing ‘You Are So Beautiful’. I do not know this song, nor do I care. Oh God, I do know this song. This is the song Alfalfa sang in the little rascals movie. And then I think he started burping bubbles or something. I want to watch that! Can we put that on instead?  I thought it was meh, but the judges love it. The beginning was total suck, but the rest was alright. But nobody mentions the suck part, they just go on about how awesome it was. Danny makes a stupid douche face and is all like “I don’t care what the judges say, I‘m just gonna sing whatever I want to sing and do whatever I want to do because I am King Douche.” I am paraphrasing, of course.

Oh man, Kris looks hot. He’s doing ‘Heartless’ by Kanye West. He is so current tonight. It’s purty and acoustic and he’s playing guitar. I didn’t recognize the song until he gets to the chorus.  He’s so white and this is so purty.  I hate Kanye West but I like Kris’ version of it. The audience cheers like woah and then the judges freak out about it. And Kris should always wears jeans.  In case he’s reading this. S

Adam’s second song is ‘Crying’ by Aerosmith. Or is it ’Cryin’’? I don’t know. Kelly Clarkson sang this in some concert once. It was awesome. Sometimes she makes me wish I was a dude so I could do dirty things to her. Also,  I want to do dirty things to Adam as a man.  Especially while he sings this song.  This is like a finale performance. His parents are so proud. I love his parents. I love people who love their dramatic gay children instead of turning on them because they’re too busy having their own heads up their own ass. Adam gets weepy. Randy yells out the word “rock star” 18 times. Kara’s all like “See you at the finals?” Duh, Kara. Paula loves Adam forever. Simon wants everyone to vote for Adam forever. Adam is awesome because he raves about how awesome Kris and Gokey are. He’s awesome. He’s so David Cook and I love it. 

blozor636: Dude, Adam is so humble. It's David Cook all over again.

roarimaraptor: i love it

roarimaraptor: he's like the gay David Cook

blozor636: Gokey would be pushing Adam out of the way to make America suck his cock.

roarimaraptor: ha! i know

blozor636: And Kris... Would just stand there and make other men jealous of his looks.

blozor636: Because I think that's pretty much all he does.

I have no idea who goes home tomorrow. I want Gokey to but I think it’s been written in the stars that Kris will 

May 6, 2009 - Come on and cry, cry baby

The intro this week is less dramatic than ever. There’s lots of Slash and slow motion and odd lighting and the judges yelling about how awesome Adam is and how aweful Danny’s screaming was. 

stonehousekthx: I like how Gokey tried to be like Adam and then they were like "no"

The audience screams loudly for Ryan as he comes down the steps. Probably because they saw on tmz what he didn’t tell us yesterday - that when the stage tried collapsing last night, he fell - and they‘re happy to see he is alive. 

64 million votes cast last night! Jesus H. Christ! 

I want to see Kara body surf the crowd. I mean, I know they’d drop her cause they’re not the brightest bunch, but it would still be fun to see them try,

The Ford video involves Adam being awesome and then the awesome Adam walking down the street as a paper cutout of himself.  Wouldn’t it be awesome to have a paper Adam that you could dress at your will? I bet that’s how Adam sees himself. As his own little doll he can dress any way he wants. I like that. Adam rocks. Anyway, the rest of the Idols also become paper cutouts but I don’t want to play with them. They’re doing that ‘Move Along’ song by that group that does that ‘Dirty Little Secret Song’ that I once played on Rockband for like 4 hours. 

Group Medley starts out of nowhere with Slash playing kick ass guitar, Adam singing kickass singing, Kris being hot as he always is, then Danny screaming some more about how school is out for the summer even though he was told to stop screaming not 24 hours ago. This song will always remind me of Scream and all the teens who were murdered in it… I want to watch it now.  Except suddenly Allison gets carried away and pushes Gokey. Man, she should have done that last night, maybe she would have gotten enough votes to stay. Cause you know she’s the one going home.  

Gokey says something that I don’t bother to listen to because his douchey-ness has stopped registering with me and I don’t even want to care anymore. Kris is so beautiful, but Simon tells him to shut up and stop being humble. Adam had a blast last night as usual. Apparently someone people, probably just some of Gokey’s friends, made ring tones out of his nasty scream last night. Allison looks at Kara and makes stabbing motions with her hand. 

Paula is… performing? Okay. I guess she’s paid her dues. Ryan’s not going to perform next week is he? Even I don’t want to see that and you guys know how I feel about Ryan. I take that back. One time he sang that song that goes “Got a nice package alright, think I’m gonna have to ride it tonight.” I mean, that was wonderful. I listened to it on repeat for like week. I wouldn’t mind seeing him sing that on my TV. So Paula’s song is about dancing and how she’s just here for the music. It’s very Britney. I’m not sure how I feel about it. So let’s just move on. But wait:

roarimaraptor: I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT

roarimaraptor: opps

roarimaraptor: i didn't mean to yell that

Blozor636: I think that says exactly how you feel about it.

But really, I don’t have a whole lot of animosity towards Paula. Except Ryan then interviews her and it’s like, whatever. I’m just here for the music.

No Doubt is here singing ‘Just A Girl’. What the hell year is it? I feel old again. This song came out when I was a junior in high school. Guys, that was like… 12 years ago. OMG, I am so old. I bet half the people in the audience and two thirds of the people at home watching think this song is new. But I know the truth. 

Then everything gets so weird that I have to get up and let my dog outside. 

When I get back, mmmm David Cook. Also, Jordin Sparks, Bo Bice, Carrie Underwood, Blake Lewis, Archie, and every other Idol ever who ever had Idol cameras sent to their hometown. Mmmm, Cook. But dude, I forgot Syesha existed!

There are three drinking fountain stools for the top three and Ryan will announce them in no particular order. I think they should just play musical chairs. Play ‘Please Don’t Stop The Music’, but then stop the music, and whoever isn’t sitting… well, they go home. 

Kris is the first one announced in the top 3. 

Me - “He just shit himself!”

The Brother - “I just shit myself too!”

Remember how tiny Daughtry looked when he auditioned? Wow. Remember when he acted all Anoop/Danny levels of douche when Ryan announced he was going home? But he was awesome afterwards anyway? He released an album just a few months later like you’re SUPPOSED TO when you leave the show. Hint hint, wink wink. Anyway, he is singing a new song off of his new album, because he’s releasing a second album like you’re SUPPOSED TO. Wink wink, hink hink. There’s a hot guy in his band too. I must download this song. 

The Brother - “He sounds so different!”

Me - “He went through puberty!”

The Brother - “I know! Next thing you know he’s going to start growing hair.”

Adam is in the top 3... And so is Gokey. Son of a ….

I guess I knew it though. I knew it all along. And now Allison is… going home. And she cries as she sings her song again. And Kara stand up and yell and shout. Even Danny looks sad, and not at all like a douche hole. 

May 5, 2009 - Battle of the duets

Pictures of Clay Aiken’s 9-month son have surfaced, revealing that he looks like a Benjiman Button/alien version of Clay. Meaning he either looks like Clay if Clay had a baby with an alien or he looks just like Clay, but not like Clay as a baby, but rather as Clay now. At 30. He’s a 30 year old baby!! That is kind of exciting. But what’s more exciting?

American Idol! 

Remember when Adam was in the bottom three? And we saw Danny being undouchey for the first time? Yeah. I remember. But we see it again. Because THIS is American Idol and with only 4 people left, we have plenty of time to fill. Ryan tells us that we are “very live” tonight, as opposed to other nights when we are just sort of, kind of live.

Ryan tells us that the giant Independence Day stage almost collapsed before the show and so the Idols didn’t have a chance to run through a dress rehearsal. Also, they will be doing duets tonight. Oooh, I hope Allison sings with Adam! 

So Slash from Guns ‘n Roses is the mentor this week. Awesome, is all I have to say about that. I mean, Jamie Foxx? What the hell was that? But Slash? Awesome. At least he’s relevant even if I’m not quite sure that he even has a face. Or at least a face that people want to be looking at.

Adam is first singing ‘Whole Lot Of Love‘, which causes Slash to promptly fall in love with him. God, I love Adam. Adam is like the gay David Cook. I couldn’t be happier if he won this season. Unless, him and David toured together, in which case, my head might explode from awesomeness. 

So anyways, Adam is dressed like you would assume Adam as a rocker would be dressed like. His hair is super fantastic and he’s wearing jeans which always makes me happy except in extreme cases like when the jeans on certain other people who have been in this top 12/13. He’s wearing a necklace with little handcuffs on it. 

Kara is wearing a ring that looks like one of those ring pops after the pop part of it is gone. She gets a case of the Paula’s and starts yelling randomness , Paula calls him “a whole lot of perfect”, and Simon says that he was great but has ruined the night for everybody else because no way anybody will ever be able to top it.  We should just call this the finale. Except I don’t want this show to end. Ever. Even though I hated most everybody this season, I get sad when they leave. 

Allison and Ryan are totally nervous that the stage might start falling on top of them. Allison’s hair is looking awesome tonight and its because Adam hooked her up with his long-time stylist. Allison’s songs were a toss-up between ‘Somebody To Love’ and the song I’ve been waiting forever to hear somebody sing on this show, ‘Cry Baby’. She chooses the latter. OMG, you guys, seriously. I love this song like woah. If I could sing and went on a talent show, this would be my song. This and ‘Goodbye To You’ by Scandal. It is so awesome. She’s wearing leather pants and hooker boots… but it’s still awesome. 

Randy doesn’t think so, but whatever. He’s wearing some beads on a necklace, so who is he to talk? They tell her she should have sang “Piece of My Heart’ but Underwood already did that, so… no. She shouldn’t have.  Paula seems neutral on the performance and Simon liked it better than the rest of the judges, but he didn’t think it was too original. 

Pff, what do the judges know? Who do they think they are? 

First duet: Kris and Danny doing ‘Renegade’ by Styx. I love Styx. Because I’m old. The duet starts a cappella and then the jig is up ,the news it out, and the band comes in. It’s awesome I suppose. At least one of half of it is. The judges enjoyed it. 

Kris looks stunning no matter what he wears. He could wear a muumuu. Slash invites Kris to play guitar during his rehearsal and the Slash plays a long, which causes Kris to nearly wet himself. He’s singing ‘Come Together’, a song that has always thoroughly bored me. He doesn’t sound bad but it’s just kind of like… bleh. For me. Not to sound like Randy, but it wasn’t that good for me. Randy liked the guitar playing better than the singing.  Kara calls him “the softer side of rock”, but she didn’t like his performance. Paula says something about artistic delivery while Simon does something goofy off camera. Simon compares the performance to eating ice for lunch. British people are weird. But it was kind of boring. 

Danny is doing ‘Dream On’. Thank God, I already hate this song. Every week, I worry that Danny will sully a song I love. The way Scott Savol used to do. But we don’t see him around anymore, do we? No, we don’t. Cause I took care of that. 

Half of the performance is just him repeating the phrase “dream on” over and over again and then screaming like a murder victim in a horror movie. He’s wearing a handcuff necklace like Adam’s, only his is big and 

Randy calls it “alright”. He calls it a valiant effort which is the same thing I’d say to my toddler nephew when he tries to give me a high five and misses. Kara didn’t like it either, but she likes his growth. What? I don’t know. She commends him for attempting a high five and missing. Paula makes the audience scream about how awesome Danny is. Then Simon makes the horror movie reference like I did, which sort of makes us soul mates, which brings me even closer to marrying David Cook. 

Duet two: Allison and Adam doing ‘Slow Ride’. They’re both dressed like trashy rock people. Awesome!! I hope the finale is between these two!  Also, I think they’re almost wearing matching boots. The judges love it and Simon says that Adam probably just gave Allison a chance to stay in this competition.

Who goes home tomorrow? Based on tonight’s performances, Gokey should. But it’ll either be Allison or Kris. Just because that’s the natural order of things. 

April 29, 2009 - It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that swing.

Me - “We gotta watch Uncle Seacrest now.”

The Niece - “I don’t want to watch Uncle Seacrest!”

Ryan looks ghostly under the white lights as he introduces the show. Like he’s going to tell us a ghost story. “One time there was a girl and a boy necking in a car and then a hook knocked on a window. And it belonged to DannyGokey! OMG AUGH!!” Then him and Kara will play Light As A Feather, Stiff As A Ghost and forever talk about the ghost they saw while they were playing

Randy is wearing a hideous pink shirt and Paula is wearing more cleavage than I ever thought she could wear. 

Ford commercial: The Idols are foot racing in black and white, which believe it or not, makes Matt’s forehead thing even more prominent than ever.  Then a Ford drives up and everything is colorized.

Group sing: Allison is wearing a dress over pants and Gokey looks her up and down because she’s legal now. Ew. Matt looks delicious as usual. As does Kris, but I‘m sort of over that tonight. Then of course there’s Adam and there’s nothing that can be said about Adam except he’s awesome as usual and easily two feet taller than everybody else. This medley is kind of a hot mess. But I think they’re at least singing live this time. I wish they’d make up their minds with this lip syncing thing. Then, a butt shot of Kris and I’m over being over him. 

Video footage of the Idols making cake to celebrate the birthdays of Allison and Danny. Speaking of. We’ve been doing this lottery thing at work and every week I use Kelly Clarkson’s birth date (4 and 24) and call it my lucky number even though it’s never done anything for me. Now I know why. Its also  Danny’s birthday. Back in the mansion kitchen, someone starts a food fight. I’ll let you guess what kind of a douche would start a food fight in the middle of baking a birthday cake. Then Danny is given a 6,000 bill to pay for the maid services to clean it. Ha! Well played, Idol. Well played.

Matt has tears in his eyes and is sent to one end of the stage. Danny looks like he would have tears in his eyes if he was capable of producing tears. And maybe he is, but I don’t know. He talks forever and I sort of black in and out until he’s sent to the other end of the stage. Allison is sent to stand next to Danny.  Kris stands next to Matt. Which leaves Adam in the position to pick a group, which is lame, because he‘ll refuse to pick a group and that was only cool the first time when Bo Bice did it. From then on it was just copycat. Adam’s all like “I love everybody!!” But he picks Allison and Danny’s group anyway… which is not the bottom three. What?!! Even Danny looks shocked, like he’s been replaced with a body double. Him and Allison stare open mouthed at each other for like 10 seconds, which is a really long time. 

Natalie Cole - or as I thought for a second, “Is that Fantasia’s mom?” - is here to sing some boring Rat Pack era song. Me thinks its time for a bathroom break. Afterwards, Allison still can’t believe she’s safe and Adam isn‘t. That makes two of us… plus, everybody else in the world. 

Taylor Hicks is here, looking well beyond his 30-something years. I’m sure it’s the hair, but it could have been the two bad albums he’s had under his belt. I liked Taylor when he was on this show, but I just have no time for him anymore. I don’t know why. But I do like his song ‘The Runaround’.

stonehousekthx: hear how people are politely applauding

stonehousekthx: they don't remember him, but Ryan said he was once on this stage, and they believe him

His guitar playing is awesome. Him and Ryan talk about how he’s lost weight because Ryan is obsessed with weight.

Matt, Kris, and Adam… Ryan sends Kris back to the couches… who will win if Adam goes home? 

Why won’t the performances stop?!!! WHY?!!! Jamie Foxx is singing/rapping some new song of his. So he’s a singer now? I don’t know what’s going on in celebrity land anymore. There is too much going on. Lots of drums and singing and clapping and dancing judges. I might have a seizure, that’s how over stimulated my eyes are right now. 

So down to Adam and Matt… I would make out with either one of them. Adam is safe and Matt says goodbye. I’m sad.  Matt’s going home to the tunes of Carrie Underwood. It just occurred to me that Matt kind of looks like Stan on American Dad. I’d still make out with him. And take him home, sweet home. 

April 28, 2009 - A constant evolution

Assume Fox viewing positions!

“Good evening” says Ryan Seacrest. He is coming to us live from Hollywood with our top 5.

I’m glad they got rid of that whole judges walking out to their seats thing. That was annoying. Not annoying? Ricky Minor and his awesome band. Tonight’s theme is “Standards from the Rat Pack era”. This could suck. Or it could be awesome. But it could still suck. Only time will tell. 

This week’s mentor is… remastered video footage of Frank Sinatra!! No, just kidding. It’s that dude from In Living Color!! I love In Living Color!! I mean, Jamie Foxx has done a lot of things since then, but who can forget In Living Color! I keep thinking of The Head Detective (the detective who was just a head with arms and feet) even though Jamie didn’t play that character. He is a good fit to mentor the Idols because he played a singer in a movie. Hmmm. Interesting. I sing David Cook songs in my shower. Can I mentor him? 

Kris is singing ‘The Way You Look Tonight’ and Jamie keeps calling him a “dude”. Kris is many things, mostly awesome and pretty things, but I don’t know if he’s a dude. What is a dude, even?  I don’t know, but anyway, this is very pretty. But it’s boring, like that rat pack music tends to be. Its lounge music for a reason. Cause it’s loungey. It’s for laying around and loungey. It makes me want to take a nap. But I can’t close my eyes because Kris is darling to look at. Everybody screams like they’re having seizures.  Randy calls it his best performance in the history of forever, and the audience does their seizure scream again. Kara tells him how high he’s set the bar, to more screams. Paula is wearing wrapping paper as a dress and calls Kris “ever so handsome”. Simon just calls it safe. 

I just noticed that Kris is smaller than Ryan. That must be miniscule. I bet Kris could fit in somebody’s pocket, that‘s how small he must be. 

Allison is wearing like a cocktail dress with feathers of  a swan for the skirt part. She killed a swan!! And she just turned 17 now. She’s singing ‘Someone To Watch Over Me’ which Jamie calls innocent. She’s legal now. There’s nothing innocent about that. I forgot to actually pay attention during this part because my brother and I were discussing that nasty rumor about Trenyce, Kimberly Caldwell, and Corey Clarke. You know what rumor I’m talking about. And if you don’t, so much the better for you.

Randy thinks there are 9,000 octaves in singing and that Allison has 9,000 more of them than Pink. True, I suppose. The judges praise her all over the place. Except Simon. Not that she’s bad, he just thinks she’s being overshadowed by everyone who’s better. Kara asks permission before speaking and then calls Simon crazy. 

Matt is singing ‘My Funny Valentine’ which he dedicates to his forehead pimple. I mean, in my head he does this. But still. Just because I only imagined it doesn’t mean it isn’t real. Jamie insists that Matt sing the song in a certain key and to hold a certain note a certain amount of time to slay the dragon and win the game. I’ve never liked this song. Except for those two weeks that I loved Constantine before I took antibiotics to clear up that infection. Randy calls it pitchy cause it’s like the only word he knows. Although he isn’t lying. Kara appreciated the singing, but he wasn’t emotionally connected to the song. Paula loves it because she probably wasn’t even paying attention. Although I thought it was pretty. Simon agrees with Paula and thought it was great. So maybe she was paying attention.

Download songs on iTunes, yada yada yada. Danny is singing ‘Come Rain Or Come Shine’. This is the song Carla is singing in The Other Sister when her boyfriend picks a cracker off her shirt. GASP!! His name was Danny too!!! NOOO!! That’s my favorite movie! How dare you forsake my favorite movie, DannyGokey!! 

There’s all kinds of trumpet and those glasses I hate. I have no opinion on the vocals cause he always sounds karaoke to me. The judges love it, blah blah blah.  I wouldn’t be surprised if they extended the season just to give us more Gokey.

Dude, I so want to see Dance Flick.

Adam is singing that song about how there’s a new dawn and a new day and a new life. Blah, I hate this song.  But Adam does wonderful things with it of course. He’s dressed all in all white suit and actually slinks down the stairs like he’s Jessica Rabbit. He hits a note higher and held longer than the one Jamie advised to Matt. Awesome. Let’s just name Adam the winner and let him and Allison and Kris and Matt sing every week until the finale. The audience screams FOREVER when he’s done. Like, FOREVER. Maybe it’s Adam’s fault they go over every week. The judges are practically speechless. 

To my disappointment, Ryan promises not to slink down the stairs like Adam did. Damn you, Seacrest! Squash my dreams, why don’t you!

Who goes home tomorrow night? Probably Matt. Which makes me sad, but whatevs. 

April 22, 2009 - You’re a train wreck, but I wouldn’t love you if you changed.

April 22, 2009 - You’re a train wreck, but I wouldn’t love you if you changed.

I don’t even know how to explain the opening, but it’s that same dramatic opening as always. Except this time Danny explains extensively how seven minus two equals five. 

THIS is American Idol.

Someone in the audience has a “Ryan’s biggest fan(literally)” sign. I guess I might be the un-literally biggest fan. I’m still not feeling the big boy suits though. I prefer my Seacrests in jeans and goofy t-shirts. 

Earlier this week, the Idols had some dance training with Paula Abdul. Paula is many things, but a bad dancer is not one of them. So this might be good. Everybody looks sexy during dance rehearsal except the girls, Danny, and Anoop. Well, the girls might look sexy. I don’t know. I don’t typically recognize female sexiness. And then Matt downloads his own performance of ‘Let’s Get It On’ to use as a ringtone. That’s awesome. No, Matt is awesome. 

Group song: Everybody but Adam is wearing sunglasses. Danny and Anoop are wearing hideous pimp suits that make me wish I didn’t have such an aversion to vomiting to that I could vomit on myself. Also, they are lip syncing again. Actually, they’re all wearing hideous pimp suits. But they’re wearing them with jeans so some of them look good. But the lip syncing ruins everything. Ashlee Simpson would vomit on herself. 

Then the Idols give Paula flowers, Ryan stops her from tripping over her own heels, she cries, and I roll my eyes about how I hope they never let these people ‘sing’ and dance at the same time on my television again. 

Back from the commercial, the girls are gone. Presumably changing out of the hideous disco dance outfits. The guys are sitting on the couch while Ryan introduces the commercial. It is the Idols baking cupcakes in someone’s  kitchen. Then Matt grows a beard and works at a construction site. Hot. Oh, the other guys are there too. But maybe not all of them. I can’t tell. It moves too fast and I can’t type and watch at the same time.

Last night, Lil still didn’t know who she was. Ryan sends her to the far side of the stage.  I IMed to someone, “What if right now Ryan was like ‘You’re going home.’” And then he totally does! She sings again but for no reason. Man, I wish I had some snacks in the kitchen so I could use this moment to go get some.  The judges are all like, “You’ll go so far in your life! This is only the beginning!” Except Simon, who I guess declines to speak. 

Then there is some old lady here to sing ‘Band Of Gold‘.

Kauly Jo: who is this woman?

Kauly Jo: and why is she singing K-Lo's song sucky?

roarimaraptor: ha!

roarimaraptor: i don't know

Then another old lady who walks like she’s drunker than Paula’s ever been sings a song I do not know.  

OMG, and then there’s somebody else!! He’s old too!! Him I know though. Someone of the Sunshine Band, with half naked women dancing around him. That thing I said earlier about wishing I had snacks in the kitchen? Now I wish I had a sparkly beverage of some kind that I could go get during this. Or I wish I had to pee. The Idols are swaying along to the music, but I wonder if they even really care. You couldn’t pay me to care. I would just stand there and sway side to side, thinking about what I’m going to eat after the show. That’s how boring this is. It’s enough to make me wish Danny would sing again. I’d almost rather be watching Fringe, and you heard my thoughts on Fringe yesterday. 

TCreature3: i wish they would keep their camera on Adam

roarimaraptor: yeah, we wouldn't miss anything happening on the stage

TCreature3: just hookers

Ryan calls this a shocking double elimination, even though it’s not shocking, since we’ve known since the season started that they would do a double elimination. Don’t make me want to slap you Seacrest. 

Last night, Kris figuratively wore women’s underwear, but tonight, he is safe. Adam was awesome last night and he tries to explain why he’s awesome and Ryan interrupts and is just like, “Sit down.” Danny stands up and… this is what happened. For a second, I looked into his eyes and thought they were pretty. I feel so dirty. Like dirty in my soul. But then I realized who I was looking at and that he was making that smile I’ve named the “Summer’s Eve Fart” smile and I got over it. Kris is safe and Anoop is in the bottom 3. 

Allison and Matt, arms around each other….  Matt is safe and totally shocked that he is safe. Which puts Allison in the bottom 3. I am happy and sad about this at the same time. I love Allison, don’t love Anoop.

Archie!! I forgot how much I loved him. He’s doing ‘Touch My Hand’ but I was hoping for ‘A Little Too Not Over You’. I still want to cuddle him, stick him a car seat, and take him out for ice cream. Maybe push him on the swings on the park. Then he can introduce me to Cook, and I’ll drop him off at a babysitters so Cook and I can get busy. 

True story: One time, my friend and I drew this cartoon about our future. I would marry Joey from NKOTB and her Jordan or Jon.. Or Donny. I don’t know, one of them. But anyway, in the cartoon we’d “Get married, have kids, leave the kids with the babysitter, and then get busy”. I guess we didn’t realize getting busy came before the kids did. But I digress.

This season has started to grow on me, but man, I still miss The Davids. I miss last season. I miss last season so much. It hurts my heart. I don’t even know why.

Archie is touring with Mcfly in Europe! Oh, how I wish I lived in Europe! Or did they say England… are England and Europe the same thing? I should brush up my geography. He’s adorable… but anyway, back to Anoop and Allison… Anoop is gone. WHOOOO!! 

His stubble actually looks kind of good… why did the guys all decide to grow stubble this week? 

Goodbye packages. Plenty of tears, but none from me. 

I’m not a complete narcissist… or maybe I am. I don’t know, but I’m curious how many people are reading this season.  With everyone moving from myspace to face book, my comments have dropped considerably and I can’t get a blog read count anymore. So now I’m curious.  Just take this poll.

http://www.createfreepolls.com/vote/Are_you_reading_these_super_delicious_recaps%3F

April 21, 2009 - I’m bringing disco back

You guys should know that I've had so many arguments this past week over whether or not Miley Cyrus can sing live. The consensus is that she totally and awesomely can even though I still think she can't. And by the way, if your only defense against why somebody isn't doing what they're getting paid to do is "I don't see you up here doing it." then you're an idiot and so is your momma. That goes double for contestants on this show who tell Simon the same thing. Simon’s critiques and you sing, that‘s how it is. This is my favoritest stage in the world. Don’t bring your douchbaggery onto it. 

Also, I thought of something. If Quentin Tarantino had written and directed Single White Female, you'd get that story of how my brother talked me into getting a haircut that, unbeknownst to, was the same haircut Adam Lambert has. Then in the movie, somehow Adam and I would end up married and then my brother would kill me by stabbing me in the eye with one of Adam's heels and then he'd tie up Adam in the basement like in Misery, only he wouldn't chop his feet off cause Adam is a dancing machine and he would totally like being tied up and just before things could turn into weird, gay porn, I'd come back to life (cause I was never dead in the first place cause he stabbed me in my fake glass eye that I got during some childhood accident which they'll have to flashback to in the movie, but it would probably involve a sandbox, a cup of kool-aid, and maybe a fish hook.) and destroy my brother. And Adam hooks me up with Seacrest and/or Cook and alls well that ends well. Also, the soundtrack would be awesome.

But enough about me. THIS is American Idol. Remember how Matt was saved and everybody was happy last week? Yeah. I do too. Cause they just reminded us with video package. Ryan is super excited, but I don’t know why. He just says its going to be an exciting week. Maybe he loves Matt. Maybe he loves disco, which is our theme. Our maybe he loves the judges. Oh. Simon’s wearing a white shirt that’s almost see thru. Now I see why Ryan’s so happy. I suppose I’d be happy too. 

I know a lot of disco songs, but none that I can name as actually being disco songs off the top of my head, so I’d sing that song about how heaven must be missing an angel. Or that song about loving the night life, and boogieing, and the disco round. 

We jump right into things, so we don’t run over I guess. Fringe must have finally put it’s foot down, even though you’re not really missing if you miss Fringe because it’s a stupid show anyway.  I gave it a chance. The previews are good, but the show itself? Not so much. Lil is singing ‘I’m Every Woman’. Can’t we be original? Can we sing songs that aren’t on the list of the first few songs that op into your head when you think disco? And wait, is this even disco? This is Whitney! This isn’t disco! Randy calls to “wild” but not in a good way. He says, truthfully, that it didn’t really show us what kind of an artist she is and that she should probably just go home. The last part I’m paraphrasing, but that’s basically what Kara says too.  Oh, and according to Paula, this was done by Chaka Khan first. So I guess it is disco. My bad. Lil gets teary and Simon’s all like, “Lil, don’t look sad. Just because you have no originality.” Then Lil won’t shut up like she does every week.

Kris Allen is also looking splendidly delicious in a white t-shirt. He is singing ‘She Works Hard For The Money’ because it tells the story of  a“….. woman.” He’s playing it acoustic on guitar. It’s awesome like it was awesome when Nathaniel did ‘Disturbia’ that one time before he cried and then cried again and then went away. Kara thought Kris was awesome. She gives him “props”. Paula loved it. She says that Kris shops in the women’s section which means he chose a song sung by a woman but which Simon takes to mean that Kris wears women’s underwear. But he doesn’t care if Kris wears women’s underwear because his performance was fantastic anyway. And Randy repeats it with slightly different words. 

 Danny is singing ‘Dancing In September’. I have nothing to say about it except that I got ticked off at him because I couldn’t remember the name of the song and I tried googling it but couldn’t understand a word he was singing. The judges thought it was solid, except Simon who thought it was awkward and clumsy. 

God, I hate that face he makes. You know the face I’m talking about. Either you love it or you hate it. I’m gonna name it “Summer’s Eve”.

Allison is sitting on the stairs, dressed like Nikki McKibbon. I hope she’s not mentoring innocent young girls like Allison.  She’s singing ‘Hot Stuff’. She’s singing it so differently that I didn’t even recognize it until the end. I liked the arrangement, but Randy didn’t. He calls her one of the best singers in the competition though. Kara agrees. Paula says something about compromise and edginess and how arrangements don’t effect her authenticity and how it was off the charts. Simon loved it. 

The crowd can’t stop screaming for Adam, who is wearing the exact same suit as Ryan, only black. And his hair is weird, but still sexy. He’s singing ‘If I Can’t Have You’. Ooooh. It’s so pretty. It’s so slow and pretty.  It makes Paula cry. I cry on the inside. The good kind of tears. Randy praises him, Kara can’t find words beside “brilliant”, Paula cries about it while Simon snickers at her, and I guess Simon liked it. I don’t know. Also, Adam still has a hot brother.

GASP! I forgot about Matt! He’s singing ‘Stayin’ Alive’. I like when Matt wears hats because you can’t see that thing on his forehead. Also, he looks damn good and I want to make out with him. Randy didn’t love the song, but thinks Matt can really sing. Paula calls it solid. Paula talks about his balls or her balls or somebody’s balls. And then something else weird. Sometimes Paula talks like a cave man... I hope those cavemen from those commercials don't show up in my living room now all offended. Speaking of them, can you believe somebody actually gave them a TV show? That's like giving Paula a TV sho-... Oh, wait. If you count this one, they've given her two. Who are these people who are just walking around handing out TV shows? Can I have one? They’re giving Fantasia a reality show! I didn’t even care about her life when it was a Lifetime movie and I love Lifetime movies!  

Anyway. Simon didn’t like the performance. He calls it desperate and unoriginal.

Oh man, I forgot about Anoop too. I’m not doing good this week. On Saturday I accidentally showed up for school an hour early. Anyway, he’s singing ‘Dim The Lights’. He’s got some dirt on his upper lip, but otherwise, he doesn’t look half bad tonight. I’m into white boys myself, but he’s cute.  It’s a pretty good performance. The judges like it, except Simon. He calls it his worst performance for awhile. I disagree, but it‘s not like I’ll download the performance either.

blozor636: It's good thing Anoop is dressed like a girl because he's singing like a girl, and we'd hate to get confused.

Going home tomorrow. As much as it pains me… Matt. And possibly Anoop. Maybe Kris or Allison, but only because nobody appreciates them.

JuleahFaye: i like kris more than anoop

JuleahFaye: but i like being right more than either of them.

April 15, 2009 - Anoop almost falls off the stage

Dramatic intro, flames on the screen, dramatic music, Quentin Tarantino, THIS is American Idol.

Miley Cyrus is here tonight, Jennifer Hudson is here tonight, and Ryan Seacrest is here tonight.

The Ford commercial tonight is finally a song I like, ‘Freeze Frame’. God, I’m old. Everybody is photoshopped onto the cover of magazines and all the guys look amazingly hot. Except that one guy. You know which one.

The group song tonight is ‘Maniac’. They’re not lip synching anymore, thank God. I want to kiss whoever put a stop to this. They sound great. 

Okay, I’ve got a true story about this song. One time I made this cartoon starring Clay Aiken, Ryan Seacrest, and some others. At the beginning Clay has pink legwarmers on and he’s dancing to this song. The same dance as that scene from Flash Dance. It took me weeks and weeks to animate and I never wanted to hear that song again and I’ve gone great lengths to avoid it. But tonight, I have no where to run. But the cartoon is awesome. I won’t deny anybody who requests to see it.

Danny Gokey’s voice sounds like Kim Caldwell if Kim Caldwell was a dude. Which, she might already be. But let’s just say she’s not. Actually, she’s like a chick who’s really a dude who’s really a chick, but is sometimes still a dude. Dip that in some batter, wrap it up in a bow, and you get DannyGokey. 

Me - “OMG! I have the same haircut as Adam! That’s why you made me get this haircut!

The Brother - “No… you should die your hair black.”

Those Idol bastards got to go to the premiere of 17 Again, a movie I can’t wait to see. And I’m not even ashamed to admit that. The Idols are wetting themselves over meeting the cast and the cast is wetting themselves over meeting the Idols, except Zac Efron who’s like, “Who are these people?”, and who is also in the audience tonight wearing a stupid hat.

By the way, I don’t approve of someone being named Sterling Knight. I mean, I’m just saying. 

Lil calls Danny old. Points to Lil. 

Allison had special sauce last night, was the only hope for the girls, and is safe. Girls scream maniacally for Adam, who was brave and Rocky Horrorish last night, and is safe.

Anoop stands up and Randy yawns. Ha! Oh Randy. Sometimes you are fun. 

“International recording artist” Jennifer Hudson is here tonight. I was bored then and I’m bored now. The song is more entertaining than the video package though. I like it. I want to download it.

Anoop’s all like, “I thought I was good, I don’t understand being in the bottom 3, but whatevs.”  Simon approves of him being in the bottom 3.

In case you were wondering, Kara and Paula are separated by like 5 feet, so they can’t talk to each other and run us over into the next show again.

Kris is still hot, in case you were wondering that also. Simon says he was brilliant last night, since he wasn’t actually allowed to speak last night when it happened. Lil was here last night and sang a song and now she’s back and she’s in the bottom 3. 

Last night Matt wondered if we had ever really, really loved a woman. I can’t speak for everyone, but no Matt, I have not. Unless that woman is Kelly Clarkson. In which case, then no I still have not. But I would. 

DannyGokey has some dirt on his face of which we will never speak again. I think he wants us to call it a “beard”. He’s safe and Matt is in the bottom 3.

So it’s Lil, Anoop, and Matt. One of them is safe… um… it’s Anoop. Hmmm. Wasn’t expecting that, but okay. 

Miley Cryus. 

The Brother - “What if it wasn’t even her?”

Me - “What if it was Chris Kattan as her like that time he was dressed as Britney? That was awesome.” 

Oh God, I love this song. I’ve lost all shame, you guys. I downloaded the soundtrack to her new movie and I cannot stop listening to ‘The Climb’. I burned it to a CD and I sing along LOUDLY in the car. I don’t care if I’m even in a drive thru with the windows open.  It’s a good track, but vocally, live, she wouldn’t even have made it into the top 12. Or 13, as this year would have it. 

Back at the stools, Simon says one of the two he’d consider saving and Ryan wonders aloud would it be Lil, but Simon won’t say. Ryan’s says “We’ll be right back.” and they forget to go to commercial break and instead the camera pans over to Simon making funny faces because we haven’t cut to commercial yet. HA! I love this show sometimes. 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! I hate this show sometimes!!! Lil is safe and Matt is OUT!! NOOOO!! 

So he sings again. I’ve always hated this song, like hated-hated cause it’s totally stupid, but Matt makes it sound so beautiful. The judges climb all up on each other and hold hands and make out before Simon tells Matt  he has no chance of winning. But then they save him. WHOOOO! I always thought this save was stupid, but now I love it. Everybody is so happy that Matt is safe. 

April 14, 2009 - And the road has been too long

Tonight’s theme, music from the movies. So I guess music that has ever played in any soundtrack of any movie. And according to Quentin Tarentino, THIS is American Idol.

Ryan accuses Ricky Minor of having stole his suit, and he wants it pressed before it’s given back to him. Ryan is wearing a dotted tie, Randy is wearing a sweater I think I saw once in that Fat Albert cartoon from back in the day, Kara is wearing one of Paula’s dresses with nothing on the shoulders, Paula is wearing a necklace made up of a big chunk that fell off of a spaceship, and Simon is Simon. He explains that only two judges will be critiquing each contestants because of the girls tomfoolery last week that ran us 5 minutes over into Fringe.

I feel sad as the contestants come out because someone is missing. And it reminds me of a story I must tell. One time, there was a guy on this show who was blind, and I loved him so because my love is also blind. Then he left and I was sad. True story. But the good news is that now my mom can stop asking me every week if blind people have tear ducts. And Ryan and Jillian Reynolds can stop trying to high five him and give him fist bumps. Also, she suggested that he played video games.

We get a nice long montage of somebody who has absolutely nothing to do with music or Idol at all, but whatever. I suppose Quentin Tarantino is awesome. What’s not awesome? John Travolta’s hair in Pulp Fiction. 

Allison is singing ‘I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing’. Oh no. I love her so much, but David Cook knocked this shit out of the park. Nay. Out of the planet. It’s like the exact same arrangement as David’s was too.  Simon and Paula loved it, and we don’t get to know what Kara and Randy think.

Anoop is singing ‘Everything I Do’ from Robin Hood. I wish he would sing ‘Men In Tights’ from the movie of the same name. Not bad. I’m bored. But not bad vocals.  I’m not sure what Randy’s opinion on it is. He talks about this week and last week mixed together. Also, I got lost trying to figure out if Anoop’s shirt is Burberry or not. Kara thought it was his best performance ever. 

Also, Anoop is single. 

Adam is singing ‘Born To Be Wild’. I hate this song, but damn, Adam is hot. It’s very rock, lots of lights and screaming and Adam’s hotness. I’m glad Simon’s get to critique this.  Paula stands up and screams like a maniac. Then the same thing happens with the audience for like 18 minutes.  Simon liked it, but doesn’t think the performance was as good as it was last week. Ryan flirts with Adam.

Oooh Matt G. He’s all kinds of hotness. Except the forehead pimple thing that nobody ever talks about.  He’s singing ‘Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman’. It’s quite pretty. I think Matt is my new favorite. Or maybe Adam. I don’t know. I don’t think I care enough to choose between the two. Or not choose. Randy calls it “interesting”.  Kara didn’t like it but appreciates that he sang it anyway. 

Gokey is sans glasses tonight. He tells Ryan, and the rest of us by extension, that he “got bored” this week and bought a guitar. No, he does not know how to play it. Quentin tells him to put his stupid hands in his stupid pockets when he’s singing. And tonight he is singing ‘Endless Love’. There’s a stupid harp and this is a stupid song. Endless love? Whatever. Danny of all people should know there’s no such thing.  Simon didn’t like the song. 

roarimaraptor: i don't even have good reasons for hating him

SweetyPi9897: i don't either

SweetyPi9897: sometimes i forget why i hate him

SweetyPi9897: but then i remember that he's just a huge douche bag and that's reason enough

Back from commercial, Ryan is sitting in in Randy’s seat going “Dawg! Dawg. We got a hot one tonight!“ He is so magical. Simon and Randy are in the background wrestling. Maybe over a chocolate bar.

Kris is singing ‘Falling Slowly’, a song I do not know from a movie I do not know. Wait… I think I’ve heard this song. It sounds sad and pretty, but I am so bored. This show is so boring this season!!  Randy calls it pitchy. Gasp!! Kara calls it one of his best moments. Ryan rushes us to commercial, so we don’t miss Lil, but ya know what? This is the third time tonight I’ve gone, “Oh yeah! I forgot about Lil!”

This is a boring, suckass episode. Which leads to boring suckass recaps. I apologize, but if they give me nothing to work with, what can I do? I can only call DannyGokey a douche bag so often before it loses it’s flavor. 

Douche bag.

HA! No, it’s still funny. 

Ryan is out in the audience surrounded by screaming, annoying girls. Girls are stupid. If Ryan was in front of me, I’d be working his pants off, not screaming about Lil Rounds. 

She’s singing ‘The Rose’. I’ve been hoping for someone to sing this song for years. So I hope Lil doesn’t screw it up. I have nothing against Lil, and she’s always good, albeit predictable, but if she didn’t show up tonight and nobody mentioned it, I wouldn’t even notice. True story.  

Simon didn’t like it and he’s frustrated with her because she’s been the same exact thing every single week since she got here. And she goes on and on, to the encouragement of the sheep in the audience (and that damn Paula), arguing. Ryan gets that nervous twitch he sometimes gets, like, “Guys, it’s 8. Shut up, we gotta go.” 

On watching Allison’s performance again, it was better than I originally thought. 

Going home tomorrow? Either Lil or… Lil. God, I hope it isn’t Matt. I love Matt. But I forgot about him again, until they got to his numbers again. 

April 8, 2009 - But my silent fears have gripped me long before I reach the phone

“Idol: This once only msg confirms your vote for Scott was received. Vote as many times as U like B4 voting closes. See the results tomorrow only on FOX!”

Yeah, I broke my no voting rule and text-voted last night for two hours in-between getting repeatedly killed in Shellshock 2. I came into the living room and someone, someone whom I thought I knew, was text-voting for DannyGokey. And that shit’s not going down in my house without me counteracting the evil with some votes of my own. 

Ultra-dramatic opening. You know the drill. Scary close up, dramatic music, and well chosen sound clips. And of course, THIS is American Idol.

Mario Lopez in the audience. Paula is wearing white glove,  Ryan calls Simon “Darth Vadar”, and Randy has a snake on his sleeve. Kara and Ryan talk about the non-evolution of the evolving of the contestants. Or something. 

Some guy who’s name I don’t know is here singing some song that came out the year Simon was born. This show was starting to make me feel old because last December I officially turned the age that makes me too old to audition which means that from now on everybody on this show will be younger than me. But now I feel young again.  I wish I knew this guy’s name. Whoever he is, he reveals that Simon was born in ‘59 and now we finally know his age. 

Oooh, it’s Frankie Avalon!! I know that name!! 

Group sing: The boys walk out singing “La la la la la la”, and then Allison is singing awesomely on the couches. Lil is somewhere doing something. Then Matt sings and sounds just like Allison. Anoop reaches out to touch Scott, perhaps to tell him he’s there, and then Scott reaches for Kris, perhaps to find out if he’s still there. Then Matt leads Scott down the stairs. I like the group effort they make to make sure he doesn’t get lost or fall of the stage. OMG, what if someone forgets one time and he falls? Can I just stand around the edge of the stage during the tour every night to catch him should he fall? But you know that the one moment he falls will be the one moment I’m not paying attention because I’ll be watching Gokey do something stupid. You know this will happen!! The lip syncing is much better than before. What is not better? Matt’s dancing. What is also not better? Adam’s voice. Because that is not possible.

Beind the scenes of a music video. Matt is talking in a creepy voice, but then cracks up. Adam has a green eye. The concept is a vaudeville magic show. This could actually be awesome. Allison has crazy make-up and hair, so basically it’s just another day for her. Anoop plays a valet and Scott worries aloud that they’re putting him in pink. Danny looks like the cat in the hat, if the cat in the hat was a douche bag. Scott and Adam do wonderful impressions of Simon. The real commercial is awesome.  The song is “Circus” and Kris is hot. I don't what Idol is playing at, but every time I see these commercials I get the urge to buy a Ford Fusion. But I can't afford one, so I just buy a V8 V-Fusion instead. True story.

Adam lies that he’s been watching this show for 8 years. Then everybody claps for the mayor of Matt’s hometown. 

Adam and Kris stand up and the girls go crazy from all the hotness standing up. Anoop stands up too. Kris is so tiny standing between the two of them. It’s like when Ryan used to stand between Constantine and Bo Bice and someone made an icon of it and wrote “Barbie and The Rockers” on it. Good times. Adam is safe and also has hot friends in the audience. Kris is safe, and Anoop is in the bottom 3. 

The first musical guest tonight is Flow Rider… or Flo Rider… or Flo Rida? Like Florida? Is he from Florida? Is he bringing oranges for the contestants tonight?

And so I feel old again.

Both IMs received at the same time:

stonehousekthx: what's a flo ryda?

blozor636: Float Rider?

I wish these rappers would write their own songs instead of stealing 80s songs and changing the lyrics. Except for the Katy Perry version of ‘Use Your Love’. That was awesome. Covers are one thing, but sampling is just lame. Write your own music or go home and get a job.  Then there’s a girl who tries to undress him, but she sings better than Lil Rounds.  There’s so many people on the stage with him. They’re not wearing a lot of clothing either.  If I could reach the remote, I’d change the channel. But it’s at least 3 feet away. 

Ryan takes one look at this Flo fella and says “I need to go to gym.”

I want to date Seth McFarland so he can talk to me in funny voices and make me laugh. 

I don’t even want to deal with the next contestant. But he’s safe anyone, so who cares.

I’m starting to like everybody, with the exception of the contestant I refuse to name in the sentence before this, so I kind of like this judges save now.

Matt’s forehead pimple just winked at me!! I don’t think it’s a pimple though, but whatever it is, get rid of it! It’s mocking me!! Matt and The Thing are safe.

Once Scott gets beyond the creepy blind guy look, he really does have nice, sensitive eyes. I want to stare into them even if he won’t notice. He’s in the bottom 3. Ryan leads Scott to Anoop, who leads him to his seat. I love this. But I am sad that he is in the bottom 3.

Allison is safe and Lil is not.

I saw Kellie Pickler on the back of a milk carton, no lie. I really like this song she’s singing, whatever it’s called. I’ll find out later and download it.

Kauly Jo: i hate that i like kellie

Roarimaraptor:: me too!

Anoop, Lil, and Scott. I’m on the fence about Anoop, couldn’t care less about Lil, and am tore up about Scott. Lil is safe. Grrr.

Anoop versus Scott. Anoop  looks mad and Scott looks nervous…. And my heart drops in time with that music that announces someone has been cut. 

Scott sings his song again… and then Simon says 2 judges want to save him and 2 do not. I love how Scott gets nervous in the middle of his laughs.  This is like an emotional, lengthy decision for the judges. But finally, Simon announces him done. He hugs Ryan so hard, you can hear it muffle his microphone. 

My heart hurts, guys. 

For the theme next week, I suggest they do songs that have people’s names as titles. Only, they change the names to Seacrest. I mean, they don’t have to. But automatic extra votes to everybody who does. 

“Seacrest, with your aim. Seacrest, for my heart. It’s only pain. What does it prove.”

“And Betty when you call me, you can call me Ry.”

“Seacrest. Seacrest. Can’t you  see it in my eyes. This could be our last goodbye.”

“Seeee-e-crest, I know this world is killing you.”

“God it looks like Seacrest. Must be the clouds in my eyes.”

“Who’s Seacrest, she said. And smiled in her special way.”

“Take me by surprise and make me realize, oh Seacrest.”

“Seacrest, don’t you lose my number.”

And so on and so on.

Or they could sing songs about each other. There’s a song called ‘Allison‘, and a song called ‘Danny‘. And another song called ‘Allison‘.  And another song called ‘Daniel’. Then there’s ‘Adam’s Song’. And ‘Danny’s Song’. I’m pretty sure there’s no song called “Anoop”, but between now and then I’m sure we could come up with something.

 

April 7, 2009 - But I make more sense, Paula

The contestants are lined up down the stairs again and you’ll be glad to know that none of them have crazy hair tonight. 

Ryan walks down the stairs first which completely throws me off. Also thrown off? A weird, bald guy in the audience who may or may not have been a mannequin. 

The theme tonight is "Songs From The Year You Were Born", or in the case of Allison, who is practically still an ultrasound, "Songs From Last Week".

The judges are already seated somehow and then Ryan shows a baby picture of Randy in which he kind of looks like Michael Jackson. Then baby Kara, who Ryan says looks like she “just made a poopy“.  Ya know, I did some googling yesterday and it turns out Kara has written like every song i've ever loved. Also, I'm surprised by how well she's fallen into place on this show. I thought I'd spend the entire season complaining about how her presence is like a rash that won't go away.

Paula’s picture is Paula. And Simon’s picture is him at about 10 dressed in a British armed forces uniform holding a gun. And awww, baby Seacrest. 

Sometimes I feel like this show is an April Fool's joke that won't ever end and sometimes I feel sad that it could, at any time, approach it's death and we won't even have seen it coming. Or maybe we would have. But either way, it could die and then where will we be?

roarimaraptor: what are we gonna do when idol is cancelled? 

roarimaraptor: ya know, after next season 

Kauly Jo: let's not think about that dark time now 

Kauly Jo: the world may end in the meantime and spare us such a fate

I never wondered how Scott walked out on stage with everyone without falling off or bumping into someone, which I should have considered. The answer is, Lil is holding his hand. That’s sweet.

I kind of miss Megan. I mean, I'd be horrified to find out that she moved into the house next door and I'd move my seat if she sat behind me in math class, but I kind of miss her misguidedness. Not the tattoo though. Thank God, the nightmares can finally stop!!

 

Oh nevermind. Gokay is still here. If I meet him over the summer, I want him to sign my program, "To my biggest un-fan. Love, D.G' okay."

I don’t even want to deal with him tonight. He’s first because he’s the oldest. I blame his dad for all of this, because he informed him that he could sing way back when, before he even realized he could sing. He’s singing some different version of ‘Stand By Me’. It’s too slow. I fell asleep before he even got to the part about the moon. All the girls scream. Then he speeds it up and it’s not any more entertaining. I remember back when I liked his voice, but tonight I find it annoying. 

roarimaraptor: zzzzzzzzz

blozor636: I was thinking the exact same thing.

blozor636: This is boring and he looks like a tard.

I want less of this and more Scott. Or more baby pictures of Seacrest so I can get an idea of what our children will look like.  

Randy didn’t like the arrangement, but liked the vocals. Kara didn’t like the arrangement either, but thought he killed it at the end. Paula uses some big words that add up to nothing at all. And Simon’s like, “What the hell are you talking about?!” Then he calls Gokey great. I have nothing to say to that. Except:

Patti: i'm gonna just start knocking off his fans

Patti: what if i accidentally typed "knocking up"?

Shrewlaura: Haha, unwed mothers, the lot of them! That'll teach them.

Kris Allen next. He never stops being hot. Kris tells us all how he went to a carnival on his day off and people were like, “Are you from American Idol? Can you tell Adam I said hi?” Ha! One time, when David Cook was meeting fans during the Idol tour, everybody kept asking him to go get Jason, so he went to get him and didn’t come back out cause he was miffed. I would have been too. Those ungrateful bitches. Castro was like 5 feet away from me in person and he is a beautiful specimen, but… he’s no David Cook. What kind of monsters trade in David Cook for Jason Castro? I don’t even want to know those kinds of people.

Kris is doing ‘All She Wants To Do Is Dance’ out in the mosh pit surrounded by fans, which wasn‘t even cool when Matt did it. Otherwise, not bad. Kara didn’t like it. Paula calls him one of the most likable contestants in the history of ever. Simon calls it indulgent, boring, and forgettable. I agree on the last two I suppose. I’d rather see him than that guy before him anyway. I think what Randy tries to say is that Kris got lost in the song. Ryan calls Simon’s  critque indulgent and predictable, someone calls him baby, he calls someone hotty, and he gives Simon the “we‘ll discuss this further in bed later” eyes.

Lil was born on a day once, some years ago. Lil was the name her parents gave her, not a nickname as everyone on earth and in Lil’s life ever, had assumed. She’s singing ’What’s Love Got To Do With It’. Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken, indeed. This isn’t anywhere near the original. Paula starts off by telling her how hot she looks, which means that was all she had going for her tonight. Paula didn’t think she made it her own “niche”. Simon calls it a “second or third rate Tina”. BURN!!! But true. Basically, he says she needs to start being original.

Paula - “That’s what I said.”

Simon - “But I make more sense, Paula.”

The other two judges concur. Lil looks like she might cry.  

I heard rumors that Anoop might sing ‘Who’s Johnny’. I’m assuming the El Debarge song, which would have been awesome. Unless he screwed it up, in which case I would have had to punch him in the face. But instead he’s doing ‘True Colors’. Also, he’s wearing an ugly sweater.  Something that Bert and/or Ernie would wear if they were frat boys. But before he sings, him and Ryan talk about how he was assy last week and he claims basically that he was replaced by a body double. This is sort of pretty. I have nothing bad to say about the performance. Except for the sweater. Jesus H. Christ! It’s hurting my eyes! People get beaten up for wearing stuff like that.

roarimaraptor: for real, it's blinding me

roarimaraptor: it would blind scott

Kauly Jo: it'd be a pity if he caught anoop's sweater out of the corner of his eye and went even more blind

The judges loved it. Agreed. Except Paula calls him a “rainbow”.

The Brother - “I think he’s gay. Talking about rainbows up in this piece. And singing Cindy Lauper.”

Scott was an adorable baby. As a kid he wanted to be a train engineer. That’s sad. Cause I’m pretty sure you have to be able to see to drive a train. GASP! He loves Halloween and creepy Halloween things!! So do I! It’s a sign!! He’s playing guitar!! And singing ‘The Search Is Over’ I’m in love, guys. For real. Seacrest who? He hit’s a bad note, but whatever. It was awesome. I don’t care what anybody says about him, I want to marry him.

By the way, it was brought to my attention last week that Hot Seeing Eye Guy has an actual, for real name. Don't ask me what it is though, I can't remember. 

The judges are all, “Who knew blind people could play guitar?” Kara liked it and didn’t like it. Paula thought acoustic guitar would have been better, but Scott claims it was his “punk side coming out”. I want to marry him. I’d say on a mountain top, but I’m afraid he’d fall off not being able to see the edge and all. Simon calls the performance and the guitar playing “atrocious”. You’re on my list, Cowell. 

Some girls yell that they love him and Scott’s all like, “I love you too… wherever you are..?” And then he looks around.  

We see pictures of Allison from last Saturday in which she was a baby and looked exactly like she does today. As a kid, her doctor diagnosed her with, “She will be a singer someday.” She’s doing, ‘I Can’t Make You Love Me’. I love this song. I was IMed by two different people at the same time asking me how dare she sing a Clay song. I don’t remember Clay singing this. Apparently, he sang it on tour. I thought I knew everything he ever sang on tour.  But oh how wrong I was.

Anyway, she was great and everybody loved her. Except Simon says that nobody likes her because she has no personality. Or something. He says she needs to open up more and be more talkative so we can get to know her. Agreed. Randy makes the Kelly Clarkson comparison and for the first time in my life, I don’t get angry. But I’ve been saying it for months now anyway.

In 1985, Matt Giraud was born. His forehead pimple is bigger than ever! What is that thing? But from behind, he’s hot like David Cook. He’s singing, ‘Part Time Lovers’. It’s awesome and so the judges freak out. 

Patti says: didn't sanjaya sing this? or was it a-fed?

Shrewlaura: It was Chicken Little, Kevin Covais.

Patti says: Ew, that just sounds gross

Patti says: that's probably why i don't remember

Speaking of gross, Ryan calls Matt “brotha” no once, but twice. Stop it, Ryan. I don’t slave over a fansite for you so that you can say silly things on TV.

Randy stands up and makes peace signs with his fingers and Ryan makes him sit down. But he doesn’t listen.

Adam was an adorable child. And nothing has changed.  He’s singing ‘Mad World’. He’s sitting and there are no lights on him. This is awesome! Adam is awesome! Is this the finale? Did he win? Are there other people on this show? Simon gives him a standing O, which knocks the entire planet of its axis. WHOO!

Kellie Pickler and Flo Rider tomorrow.