1/12/09 – Stop singing forever

It is time, my friends. It is time. I came here to write recaps and chew bubble gum... and I'm all out of bubble gum.

But before I begin another season of recaps, I think it's only fair to inform you of the 3 life altering events that happened to me since last we spoke. They have forever changed my outlook on life. 1) I got an iTouch. 2) I got an Xbox (with Xbox live and Netflix, which means my family, friends, and dvr never see me anymore). and 3) I turned 30. Also, I developed a crush on Zachary Quinto that rivals most others. David Cook wouldn't stop seeing other skanky women and Seacrest wouldn't commit to me, so what else was I supposed to do? Ya know that whole should have put a ring on it thing? Well, they should have. Cause when you don't, people move on. So let that be a lesson to all of you. Especially you Zachary. Especially you.

But the one good thing about this show is that it usually reminds me of why I loved Seacrest in the first place. It's why we've had such a long, draw out, rocky relationship. I always come back, because if Lady Gaga exists for only one reason, it is to remind us that when it's love if it's not rough it isn't fun. And these auditions are nothing if not rough.

But seriously, you guys, I'm concerned. Without Paula, what will I make fun of? I mean, besides the bounty that is the rest of the show.

My psychic claim for this season: Everyone's going to audition with The Climb and ruin the magic for me.
My hopes for this season: That Seacrest will try to talk to a deaf person and someone will sing a stirring rendition of 'Springtime for Hitler'.

On to the recap!!

Ew, Avril Lavigne is going to be a guest judge. And then there’s Ellen! WHOO!!! But that is not tonight, that is weeks away.
Tonight, we are in Boston. Ryan is looking delicious in a black t-shirt. I want to eat him like a piece of fried chicken. I remember why I love him now.
9,000 people are standing in the rain, screaming about how they are all the next American Idol, and a boy is wearing a tiara and wings. Awesome, I hope we get to see his audition.

Ryan is wearing jeans, and then everybody freaks out about Kara. I have nothing to say to or about Simon tonight.
Posh Spice – who may or may not have a real name, which may or may not only be “David Beckham’s wife” – is the guest judge today, but she kind of looks like a mannequin that got up and started walking around. And developed an English accent. Shut up, Victoria. You look like plastic and wax.

A girl drinks water in a bathroom, jumps up and down and yells, and then scares Ryan out in the hall. Then she comes in and jumps around in front of the judges and… I just remembered Paula was gone. I’m sad. It’s like she’s dead, only she’s not. Anyway, jumping girl Janet sings and it’s horrible. I don’t know why she even came here today. Even the computer versions of the judges in the Idol video game told her wasn’t going to Hollywood time and time again. But she showed up anyway. And also, she thinks Kara is Paula.

Does Luke Wilson do anything but make phone commercials? I swear there’s a new one every day.

Maddie is 16 years old and 9 of 12 kids. She has a brother with Down syndrome, so her family decided to adopt a bunch of other kids with Down syndrome. That is many levels of awesome. I hope they let her through to Hollywood. She sings I don’t know, but the title alone makes the judges all go “OOOOOOH!” Then she sings it and I’m all “OOOOOH!” She’s awesome and through to Hollywood. Awww, Ryan hugs the Down syndrome kid. I love him.

But God, I’m so sick of looking at Vitoria Beckham. It’s only been 19 minutes and I’m already sick of her face. If you can call it that. She looks like something risen from some sort of dead.

Kauly Jo: who let the mummy loose??? and where the fuck is brendan fraser when you need him???

Douchebag in the holding area acts like a douche bag. Then another one does it again, only he also yells, “Holla!!!” a dozen times and gets punched in the face. He’s so gay. And he’s singing womanizer. Or rather, “singing” womanizer. It’s actually fun, but then gets annoying. Go home. I’m sick of you already. He calls Simon “Sassy Simon”. HAHA!! I’ve changed my mind, I like him. Not his voice though. They should do a show, like The Real World, where people just hang out, only not with douchebags. With actually cool people.

A bunch of girls are awesome, but I generally don’t approve of females on this show, so whatevs. It’s weird, but all these girls look like Kara in different wigs. I don’t know what you’re playing at Idol, but I’ll find out. Mark my words!
In the holding area, Ryan slowly backs away from a guy whose pecs are the size of Ryan’s entire body. He’s large and Italian with a large, Italian family. They eat lots of cheese and sausage and bread. But can he sing? I don’t know. His video package goes on so long, I almost wander away to make some spaghetti. But then woah, he sings. Loud and proud. He’s Simon’s favorite audition thus far. He gets 4 yesses. Him and his Italian brothers almost kill Ryan in their celebration. Then Ryan runs away, because he can’t handle so much testosterone.

Derrick got into music during the lowest peak in his life, which I’m guessing was like homeroom class, since he looks like he’s still in high school.
There’s a video montage of him being all one with nature. Kissing flowers and hugging the air. He looks like Ace Young if Ace were younger, blonde, dirty, and not cute. He likes Chris Brown, which I guess means he approves of domestic abuse. God, his singing is domestic abuse. He wouldn’t even need to hit his woman, just start singing like a schizophrenic. Then he walks outside and becomes one with nature again. I wish he’d stop talking about touching me. Go touch a tree, dude. Trees don’t mind weirdos.

Simon makes a bunch of people cry over the sounds of ‘Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word’. And then omg, they bring up Bikini Girl. Let her die, Idol!! Let her die!!

ANOTHER new Luke Wilson phone commercial! Did he just film this?! Make it stop!

Stupid people with stupid hair and stupid anime obsessions stand out in the rain. And by people, I mean one girl in particular who keeps kicking and punching the air. Ryan gets confused and calls her a “Fashionista”. She wants to become a singer… in Japan. I’m sure Japan has an Idol show of their own, why don’t they go there? Even Ryan is looking at her like he just can’t handle her. And he’s Ryan Seacrest! There’s nothing that man can’t handle! He finds nothing annoying!

She sings real bad, and when Simon tells her the truth that she sucks, she argues, and they have to tell her the truth that her vocal coaches were liars, or quite possibly just drunk homeless guys she’s calling her vocal coaches. She cries and yells, “How dare you!” at the cameras.

Randy thinks “anime” is a thing a person can be. Oh Randy. Welcome back.

Mmmmm, hot guy gets a yes. It’s like Matt Giraud part 2. Guy who’s not hot with a good voice gets a yes. Oh God, it’s one of the douchebags from the holding room earlier. He looks like the combination of a bunch of separate douches combined into one and then wearing stupid glasses and having an attitude. God, he’s a dick. This makes me miss even Danny Gokey. Omg, I’d marry Danny Gokey instead of even look at this guy. Simon tells him to stop being a smartass or he can leave, but he just starts acting like a passive-aggressive smartass instead.

Mom - You know who he reminds me of?
Me - A douchebag?

I bet he leads a double life as a serial killer. Kara asks him why he’s so angry, and he says he’s mad from waiting all day, and she tells him off, and he stabs her with his eyes. They all say no. Instead of leaving, he just acts like an ass prompting Kara to ask him if he’s ever had a girlfriend. Then he stabs her with his eyes again. I’m surprised this guy is such a huge douche and I haven’t dated him yet.

2 gay guys audition in a row and they both sound like Clay Aiken drunk.

Ho hum, girl with a nice voice singing Alicia Keys and goes to Hollywood. But she doesn’t even try to hug Ryan. I don’t trust people who don’t try and hug Ryan when they get a chance. That is like my dream!

An hour into this and I haven’t wanted to marry anybody yet. This ain’t even right. I’m bored. I think I’m gonna go wax my chin… but wait. A boy dressed like a hippie fell out of a tree and broke his wrists and is now singing ‘Let’s Get It On’.

Hmmm. Perhaps chin waxing can wait. I take back what I said. I want to marry him. Or at least let him try and get it on with me. His name is Tyler. Possible top twelve. Make note of it.

A bunch of people go to Hollywood.

Day 2 in Boston. Randy says that Simon was late for the second day of auditions because he out trying to find the Boston Tea Party. Oh Randy. Maybe you do have a purpose after all.

Lisa is a waitress who sings really bad and then walks out in slow motion. Guy sucks. William Hung’s little brother. Emo Goth Girl. Black Emo Goth Girl. Guy dressed like he’s marching band leader. A girl who can’t say “firefighter”. Cute boy named Mike. He has a guitar tattooed on his arm. Put him through! Oh wait, maybe we should hear him sing first. Mmmm, yes. Put him through. While the judges deliberate, Ryan hangs out with Mike’s mom, because he loves moms and nanas. Then Mike is through! I think I might want to marry him. Even though Ryan comes up to his shoulder and sort of acts like a frat boy.

I forgot to pay attention for a minute cause I was reading on textsfromlastnight.com, but when I looked up, a girl was crying about how her grandma has Alzheimer’s. That’s so sad. She’s awesome. She sounds like Carrie, but looks like Selena Gomez. This could work. She calls her grandma and grandma cries which makes Ryan cry.
Hot guy with good voice. He sounds like Rascal Flatt’s lead singer but looks like someone who’s face I can’t place. I would marry him. Simon thinks his voice doesn’t match his age. Randy makes him tell Simon to shut up. Then Simon makes him tell Randy to shut up. They’re trying to make him more assertive but he’s too nice for it to work. He’s through to Hollywood.

OMG! Another new Luke Wilson phone commercial! They must be filming these as the show is airing. “Hurry and edit this shit together! It’s almost a commercial break!”

blozor636: AT&T used to be Cingular, and I will never use them because of that.
roarimaraptor: also, they suck

Back from commercial, Ryan’s up on a rafter above the judges table talking softly. Almost in a seductive whisper. Yes, Ryan. I’ll do anything you say. I love you. Then a bunch of sucky guys ruin our moment by being sucky. Ryan tries to interview said sucky boys but I’d rather be at the dentist than hear about it.

I missed his name even though they’ve been showing him before every commercial break, but cute boy with facial hair was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, or as he thinks, he caught it while vacationing in Spain. Not to knock cancer survivors or anything, but he doesn’t even have cancer anymore, it’s been in remission for a while, so that’s kind of like false advertising right there. Trying to make us sound like he’s dying of it as we speak, so we must vote for him. I was all ready to break my no voting rule, you bastards. He’s singing that song I hate about the new dawn and the new day and the new light, but he’s pretty in the ear. He looks kind of like Ace too. Why does everybody look like varying degrees of Kara and Ace?!

Boy with crazy hair. His name is Norberto but he looks like Michael Jackson’s son Blanket if he were older with some crazy long hair and sang a Cascada song on Idol. He keeps forgetting the lyrics, but nobody wants to tell him he sucks, so they let him keep explaining that he’s nervous and starting over. Then Simon calls him weird and he nearly cries. Then the judges argue over whether he looks more like Michael or Janet.

I think this next kid is Nigerian, but I hope he doesn’t try to get Randy to help him transfer millions of dollars to his bank account. OMG! He’s singing ‘You Look So Good In Love’.

Kauly Jo: ok, a black guy is singing George Strait
Kauly Jo: put him through just for that!!
roarimaraptor: that's the best thing ever!

Everyone but Simon gives him a yes.

And this for no reason:

Kauly Jo: posh looks better on this day
roarimaraptor: like they rehydrated her
Kauly Jo: hehe
Kauly Jo: yes!

Omg, the show is almost over. I thought there was like 30 minutes left.

One girl left. She’s good, but… yeah. That’s all. She’s not slutty, at least. Not being slutty is always worth bonus points. Judges put her through as the best they’ve seen.

The end. I’m spent.

Back tomorrow!

I had to add ‘Seacrest’ to my spell-check dictionary just now.