Let me tell you guys a story. My friend auditioned for season 4 in two different cities. St. Louis and Las Vegas. I went along for moral support, but also, ya know, Seacrest, cause he’s always there. But of course, his ass didn’t show up in either city. I was kind of like, meh, whatever, cause he had a talk show and it was magical and it required his time and utmost care. But then the next season, we were going to go to the auditions in Chicago but at the last minute, my friend decided she was feeling too under the weather to go, so we didn’t. Who did I see on the news that night? Gallivanting in Chicago, not 45 minutes from my home? Seacrest!! That son of a bitch. We didn’t speak for months, until I got over it.
Ryan compares auditioning for American Idol to being president and then we see footage of Obama.
Shania Twain changed the face of music, yada yada, yada, blah blah blah. I want to hear Seacrest sing ‘I Feel Like A Woman’, even though I have an audio clip of him singing a song that goes “got a nice package alright, think I’m gonna have to ride it tonight” and nothing can beat that.
Kaitlin from didn’t want to audition even though her mom told her she should every year, but she thought she was above the show so she always said no. And her parents are divorced. Blah, blah, blah. I DON’T CARE ABOUT SOB STORIES!! Especially not at this point. Save it for the video packages once you’ve made it to the top 12. Or better yet, post-Idol. I wanted to do this huge rant about sob stories, but I’m lazy. So just shut the fuck up. Her voice is good, but annoying, but maybe I’m just already annoyed because of the sob story. Or maybe I just don’t like songs by Duffy. I don’t know. I’m just not into her. Her hair is too big. It’s full of secrets. And not good ones.
Amy is a chubby girl – who kinds of looks like a chubby Rachel from Glee, only not hot - who thinks that all she has to do is “wait in line for a few hours and become famous.” Then she tries to hit on Seacrest! Set her on fire!! Somebody set her on fire!! Ryan’s clearly not having any of it, so he practically shoves her into the judges room, where she lays on the floor, sings bad, and then bounces her boobs to the beat of the music. They all give her a no.
Charity is a stupid name. And she’s singing ‘Summertime’. I’d say I was listening, but the reality is I can’t stop staring at David Cook on the poster behind her and hearing dirty music in my head.
roarimaraptor: i wasn't watching because i want to do dirty things to that david cook poster behind her
Kel: calm down hooker
roarimaraptor: gasp!
roarimaraptor: hookers do it for the money
Kel: ok...calm down slut
roarimaraptor: that's better
roarimaraptor: i can't even get any respect over here
Kel: cause you're a slut.
roarimaraptor: don't judge me!
Since its commercial break, I should tell you guys about how I tried to teach my 4 year-old niece to call Ryan, “Uncle Seacrest”, and now somehow she thinks he’s her father.
Back from commercial break, a bunch of crazy people audition, including a lady on an accordion and a guy in his underwear, a girl in a wedding gown, and of course, a bunch of bitches who can’t sing. God, I really love the positioning of David’s picture behind them. Seriously. I’d watch this show just for that if I had no other reason.
Simon is accosted in the hallway for telling some lady’s daughter she can’t sing. Simon’s all like, “You still like me.” And walks away.
So Angela made it to Hollywood in season… some other season that wasn’t this one. She had to drop out because she had to go to traffic court. That’s what you get for speeding, bitch. Speeding will fuck up your life!! Learn from Angela’s lesson! I don’t like her, not only because she’s just another annoying voiced black singer, it’s because she has three sob stories rolled into one. The handicapped daughter, the dad who was killed, and the traffic ticket. Not that the first two aren’t horrid things, but shut up about them. Do you think you’d get hired for a job if you brought a sob story to your audition? But anyway, I’m too lazy to rant. The judges trick her into thinking it’s a no and then tell her yes. Like the Buttabi brothers. “You two are brothers?” “No…. YES!!”
Some cute guys get through to Hollywood, some not-so-cute guys get through too. Then probably some girls too.
Kauly Jo: dude, was that kris allen?
Kauly Jo: didn't someone tell him he won?
Commercial break tidbit:
For those of you who don't know, last week I yelled at Ryan Seacrest on his Twitter to start spelling his words out right, rather than using "u" and "ur".
blozor636: I don't think Ryan's the kind of guy who can handle being yelled at by a chick.
roarimaraptor: he needs to spell right if he wants to stay in this relationship
You won’t believe this, but after the commercial, a bunch of idiots scream about how they ARE the next American Idol. And then Randy Jackson yells into a camera about Jennifer Hudson, even though the week she got eliminated there was a huge power outage due to a tornado in Chicago and apparently none of her fans could vote for her, but really I think it was just the wind trying to take her down. It wooshed past my house yelling, “Take that, Jennifer Hudsoooooooooooooooooooooooooooon.”
People audition, don’t make it, and Ryan acts cute. This guy named Brian claims he sang for troops while in the service, then he comes in and sings, his voice hideously similar to a cat being slaughtered. He calls the judges, “Mr. Cowell and Mr. Jackson” and insists that his audition is not a joke. Now he’s tired and going home to take a bath and relax his thoughts. That’s seriously what he said. But I can’t tell if he’s trying to be funny or not.
TCreature3: OMG WTF
TCreature3: now i feel bad for the troops he was singing to
Ryan’s upset out in the hall that nobody is getting golden tickets. Blame it on the city smog and traffic, Ryan. Or you can blame it on the rain, it was falling falling. Except, it wasn’t raining. I just wanted to quote Milli Vanilla.
Harold looks like every famous black guy I’ve ever seen, except for Jay-z, who just has a very unfortunate face. He singing an Usher song, which isn’t horrible, but not great either. Or as he claims it, he has allergies. Then he cries like a big dumb sissy baby. They coddle him, but I’d be all like, “Man up, fuck tard!” Not that men can’t cry, but shut up, Harold. And get some pampers for you and your brother while you’re at it. Speaking of crying, I wonder if I went in there and cried hard enough, if they’d let me just take a knife and cut out around David’s body in that poster.
An Asian boy sings pretty. Shania either likes his butt or his lower range, I’m not sure. She hasn’t said much tonight and as soon as she starts talking, it’s worse than anything Paula’s ever done, and Paula’s things have involved under-aged boys.
TCreature3: i think they make them be on drugs like Paula to fill the void
All the judges say yes, and his friends out in the hall react as if he’s the first person ever to get a golden ticket… hmmm, I wonder who was the first person EVER to get a yes to Hollywood?
Ryan hangs out in the holding area and pressures them into getting golden tickets since there haven’t been very many thus far.
God, again with the sob stories. I refuse to even discuss it. Did you see David Cook walking in here moaning about his dying brother? No! Is it tragic? Yes. Does it have anything to do with whether or not you can sing? No! If you use something in your life - whether it be your cancer, your family member’s cancer, the asthma attack you had that one time, or the bunion your mom has - to garner sympathy or to get an edge, then you’re a jack-ass. If you let the show do it for you, then you’re a weak jack-ass and this business is gonna eat you alive anyway.
I guess I wasn’t so lazy for a rant after all.
I’m skipping her mostly, except to say that her voice is good but I’ve already been tainted and find her annoying, but it’s funny that Randy jerks her around forever before giving her a yes. Next.
I don’t understand why the tie goes to the yeses. I think it should be settled by Ryan and I wrestling in Jello. I haven’t decided all the rules yet, but I’ll work it out by next season.
A bunch of people get yeses, including one cute guy who we already saw get through earlier. Stupid editors. Pay attention and quit drooling over the Cook poster!
I will miss this show so much when it’s gone. Which, by the way, if and when this show gets cancelled, I'm going to spend the rest of my life wandering around the streets homeless and singing 'I Will Survive' to myself. And I'll hold Simon Cowell personally responsible. Just thought you guys should know.
See ya tomorrow!!
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