I’m eating a Kit Kat. Be jealous, bitches.
The show starts with a rocket launching into space, but I can’t hear what’s happening because the TV is muted because my parents always get phone calls during Idol because they only know inconsiderate people.
Okay, volume back up. We are in Orlando. But then Ryan and Randy are in Miami. But then they got in a plane and went back to Orlando. What? I don’t know. But you guys, Kristin Chenowith is the guest judge tonight. I’m jealous, bitches. I wish she was like my cousin or something. Her and Kara bond immediately upon meeting and before you know it they are holding hands and high fiving and wearing boob-showing dresses. And then, Glee!!! A scene from Glee!! Wow, I’m a nerd.
Anyway, Kristin and her nervous-self are still walking around in the boob-showing dress, while Ryan encourages a douche bag with shit on his face and a scarf to act more like a douche bag with shit on his face and a scarf. But this scarf is like a scarf that becomes a cape. He – Theo, be thy name - makes Adam Lambert look like the straightest straight person who ever straighted. Simon asks him where he sees himself in ten years should he win Idol. I know he wants to say that he wants to be on stage at an awards show miming oral sex with his back-up dancers, but instead he says he wants to own a salon. Which, auditioning for a singing competition is the first logical step to achieving that dream. He sings ‘Heart breaker’, and it might be good, but he’s yelling it so loud it’s hard to tell. He drops the name of J-Hud and they’re all like, “No. You’re not like J-Hud.”
Kristin says, “No, not for this, but…not for this.”, then Kara takes him into her arms and coddles him and then they “wrong way” him as he leaves. Which isn’t as funny as wrong door, but amusing still.
Ryan wants to ask his friend out in the holding area if he’s Theo boyfriend, but doesn’t want to say the words so instead he just points at him and says “Are you….. ?“ and then pulls the sequins and glitter off of Theo’s face.
I’m playing Farmville during commercial break, because if I don’t, my attention span will wander and the next thing you know, it’s 8 o’clock and I’ve missed the rest of the show. I sometimes need to keep myself engaged. I spend half my time at work waiting for and riding on elevators, so I carry my iPod around with me so I have something to do. Not because I want my boss to catch me and fire me, but because if I don’t, my ADD will kick in, I’ll walk out to the parking lot, drive home, and play Sims 3 for an hour before realizing I’m supposed to be at work. So… yeah. Farmville may be a good thing.
Guy in a chicken suit. Kara and Kristin are in love and planning to get married as soon as they’re done with this here slumber party they’re having with Simon and Randy. If Simon doesn’t stab one or both of them first.
So Samuel’s son has autism. This is just rotten Idol. I can’t bitch about the sob stories because the kid is like 4. How evil would I be? But still, you know how I feel about sob stories.
The kid throws a tantrum when Daddy goes in to audition, which makes me lose all sympathy I just had. I hate whining, tantrum throwing kids. He doesn’t mention the autism in the audition, which is good though. And then he sings nice and gets four yeses.
Speaking of 4 year-olds, this morning I tweeted, “Tell me why you’re so hard to forget.” to David Archuleta. I think I’m going to tweet random past Idol contestants randomly and see if I ever get responses. I mean, I’m sure I won’t, but it would be funny to put what I do say in the recaps every week. I also tweeted “That’s what she said.” In response to something David Cook’s brother tweeted.
… I’m using the word “tweeted” correctly, right? I don’t know, I’m still kind of new. I’m not hip to the lingoes the kids are using nowadays. Anyway, I “followed” a bunch of old contestants today, but so far I can’t think of clever things to say. But in due time, due time.
People walk around, auditioners make hand signs at the camera, Ryan gets nervous next to a tall guy, a hot guy is hot but they say no, and then people jump around, and Simon makes jazz hands.
Randy tells Jermaine not to be “skurred” and he’s like “I’m not, because I have an awesome voice. A voice so
awesome that Randy will raise his eyebrows and Kristin C. will make love to me with her eyes and Kara’s dress will be very boob-showey and she’ll compliment my eyes and I will get 4 yeses.”
And all of this comes true!
There is one person left in the holding area with her “thoughts” which I imagine aren’t really as many as Ryan suggests there may be. She can’t use the right side of her face because of some condition I missed the name of. I kind of like her so far, minus the sob story. But you can see it on her face, so I guess she kind of has to explain it which isn’t the same as a sob story. Don’t you guys just love my double standards? Anyway, she has a really good voice. Then she forgets the words and curses and everybody laughs. She gets a yes with a small y from Simon, three big letters from Randy, and yeses from the girls.
By the way, Kristin’s Coke cup is bigger than she is. I’m afraid she might fall over and drown in it.
A bunch of people get golden tickets and yell and scream over a song that I like but don’t know and google doesn’t recognize it either.
During commercial, I put my dog’s toy on top of her head and waited to see how long it took her to find it.
Kristin had to leave and so on day two it’s just the regular judges and Randy in a shirt that says “seriously”.
Jay Stone beatboxes and a)I didn’t like it the first time when his name was Blake Lewis and b)it’s not even singing. I’m going to take this moment to finish my Kit Kat from earlier. Kara catches the Randy Jackson Dumb-Shit Disease and gives him a yes. She forces Randy to give him a yes against Simon and my better judgement.
A girl sings good, but looks like someone I wouldn’t get along with. A bunch of girls who’ve already been in the top 12 audition and get yeses so they can make it through and go to the top 12 again.
Cornelius claims to have learned his dance skills from strippers. He does the splits and his pants rip down the middle and so just for that, Simon gives him a yes.
Not a single person IMed me during the show tonight, so that’s why there are no convo quotes tonight. I guess people just don’t like Orlando. Or Kristin Chenowith. Or maybe me.
Two whores who have barely kept their clothes on have themselves all over Ryan. Ugh. Well, maybe I shouldn’t judge so quickly. They seem like they might be nice girls, but it’s hard to tell with all the skin I can see. Sister number 1 is good, but nothing I’d remember mixed amongst 11 other contestants. Sister number 2 is better than sister 1 but I don’t know about her either. I can’t really pay attention because a) Sister number 1’s boobs are behind her bothering me, and b) David Cook’s face is covered in that poster behind them. Not by her boobs, just by something. A map of the world, it looks like. Which is kind of like boobs. But not really.
They beg the judges and Randy gets confused and then they all give yeses.
A white boy in a backwards cap sings horrible and they don’t stop him, they just let it keep going. Kara and Randy exchange horrified expressions, but still, they don’t stop him. He said he was singing this song to “give it up for God”, but it’s like he’s shitting on a bible. They tell him no, but he won’t leave, and then he talks like he doesn’t know he’s white, and then he sings some more, and moves his hands around, and keeps on singing, and God, I wanna give this bitch the flu. Randy calls security, who show up 5 minutes later, which is long enough for him to have killed everyone and hid their bodies and made it halfway to the train station. They finally come in and drag him out. Like, literally drag him out, down on the ground, handcuffs, and cops. After he’s long gone, Simon goes, “Yes or no?” HA! I will miss you, Simon. I will miss you.
Matt Lawrence – not the hot one of the Lawrence brothers – but just some guy from the south. He went on an “adventure” one time, robbed a bank with a bbgun like a dipshit, and then spent four years in jail. Yeah, cry about it now, but serves you right to rob a bank. He’s auditioning to make his family proud. But if he gets cut, is he going to shoot Seacrest with a bbgun? Because he bruises like a peach!!
I wonder if Seacrest would hire me to be his personal bodyguard. I mean, if some guy came at him with a knife or a bbgun, I'd be gone like Paris Hilton's virginity, but otherwise, in the safety of his own home, I am so there. Serving and protecting.
Anyway, Matt’s voice is very nice. Simon calls it “brilliant”.
I just noticed that Randy is wearing a playskool watch that has a yellow face, one half of the band is pink and
other half is blue. I’d like to see that on Seacrest.
Next week, LA and fucking Katy Perry.
Just so you guys know, I’m debating getting a domain and posting the recaps on there. At current count, I post this recap in 6 different places and I’m already sick of it and it’s only been 4 days. So I figure to save myself trouble, I’ll make myself one fancy place to post. And also, I can archive all the old recaps in case anyone (ie, me) ever gets bored and wants something to read. I’m still on the fence, but if I decide to do it, I’d like to have it up by next week, the following week at the latest. I’ll keep you updated.
Also, Human Target is lame. Don’t bother watching it. You're welcome.
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