Was this show on yesterday? I already feel like I can't remember it. However, I do remember reading yesterday that Idol Chat won't be on anymore because Kimberly Caldwell is "embarking on a full-time singing career"..... HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh my god. I can't breath. Give me a second.... HAHAHAHA!! .... HAHAHAHAHA! It won't stop! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Ow, my stomach. Seriously, I haven't laughed this hard since that time Aaron Carter remade 'I Want Candy'. Who's supporting this singing career? You couldn't pay me to listen to anything she records and I have 200+ Idol related songs AND Paris Hilton on my ipod. I'm one of three people in the whole country who think the coronation songs are magic, particularly 'No Boundaries' and 'Inside Your Heaven'. You know that says a lot ABOUT Caldwell. It says more about Caldwell than it does about me and my iPod. I'm just sayin'. I still want to know where David Cook went wrong there. I hope in my psychology class this semester that I get an answer to that. Though I suspect the answer would involve the words “blow job” and “easy”.
We are in Atlanta tonight and nobody who’s auditioning knows that Ryan was born there. Seriously, he asks everybody. And they don’t know. And then Mary J. Blige is there and I don’t even care. She brought her kids along like the auditions are an effin’ day care center. I mean, if Paula were here, they sort of would be. But she’s not.
blozor636: Oh God. I'm glad they didn't choose Mary. It would be like two Randys, and one is enough.
blozor636: They would just have entire conversations that go "Dawg." "Dawg." "Dawg." "Dawg?" "Dawg!”
It’s funny when black guys are nerds. Dewone Robinson made up a song once and his brother and sister said, why did you do that, and then he grew up and came to audition for American Idol. He’s singing what I guess is that same song, in 8 different voices. There’s only one word to the song apparently and it’s “laty”. And then, I’m not sure what’s happening, but there’s some arguing and I look away and write some other stuff, and when I come back again, he’s still singing the “laty” song and the judges are still pretending he has a chance. Then Randy starts yelling, “Security!!” like he didn’t encourage this guy to act like an ass in the first place.
I forgot to mention the glass, Willy Wonka elevator that takes the contestants up to the audition room and then back down again. Is this because those Italian boys tried to smash Ryan? Is this to keep him safe? I think it is.
You know, we have at least 2 more weeks of these auditions left, but I’m already done with them. I wish I could skip them, but I made a commitment.
You remember that blind guy last year? The one I almost married over the summer? If his hair grew a little bit longer and exploded with the intensity of Chicago humidity… and also, was a black girl, you’d get Keia Johnson. She sings (read: yells) about how we are safe in her heart and her heart will go on and on. She gets through.
Some people are annoying but get yeses anyway, and then somebody sings The Climb, and you know it’s the beginning of everybody singing The Climb. You know it! And when it happens, you know I called it yesterday.
But first up is Jermaine, who lives not far from me. Interesting. I know a black guy. Maybe it’s him. His voice is good, but the hat… not so much. He’s in.
Um, I missed a few things, because someone IMed me about handcuffs and I was thinking about David Cook and Ryan Seacrest in handcuffs and jeans and other varying degrees of things. When I looked up, bad things were happening. A girl was singing and then crying about how it’s her passion and making everybody uncomfortable. Don’t let your dreams hang all out like that! You’re embarrassing us all and making us twitchy.
Hot guy sucks is denied. Girl that guys probably think is hot is denied. More people denied. A bunch of really tall girls in a row denied.
Then Vanessa Wolfe jumps off a bridge – because she is a “bridge jumper” - like the Hillbilly she apparently is. Ya know, with the hillbilly music playing and the Tennessee accent. I kind of like her. She bought a dress for 4 dollars at the dollar store and is afraid the judges are going to look down on her. Awww. They will Vanessa. They will. But I like you. I can’t tell if she’s good or not. She’s like Kellie Pickler, but with that twangy-ness that Dolly Parton has.
I should mention how hot Ryan is today. Geez. Someone turn a fan on me.
Anyway, Simon says she’s ill-prepared for this, but distinct and authentic. She gets 4 yeses. She’s like that boy I loved… what was his name? The one who had never sang in front of anybody but a turkey? I dunno, but she’s like the female version of him. I really like her. Ya know, besides the misfortunate dress. And I rarely ever like the girls. Proven by this unrelated convo I had today at work:
Coworker - Women are only good for one thing, right? Laundry.
Me - Shut up. And cooking.
Oh, I am so sexist. Watch this video I made with one of my peeps (http://www.youtube.com/watch?
Back from commercial, Ryan is wearing something different, but he’s still looking good. He’s talking to another hillbilly who almost died 3 times. They do a “cheap dramatization” of all three times. It’s funny, but Ryan just stares at him in the waiting area. I love watching him “interview” these people. He doesn’t have to do anything but stand there and let them talk circles around themselves. I was making screen caps from last night’s show and in every single one he’s making exactly the same face no matter how long the scene goes on. It’s awesome. But anyway, the guy is really bad and Mary laughs so hard it looks like she might be having a seizure. That’s just rude. Get off the stage, bitch. Or out of that chair, whatever. I mean, it’s funny that stupid people think they can sing, but this guy doesn’t have two brain cells to rub together. He’s not even smart enough to know you’re laughing at him. That’s wrong. People need to deserve having that kind of shit done right in front of their faces.
Montage of people crying.
Mmmm, David Cook. Mmmm, Matt Giraud. Mmmmm, Kris Allen. We’re seeing a montage of all the old Idols who played instruments on stage. You’re not allowed to bring instruments into auditions, but this girl, who looks like she might be Kellie Pickler’s younger sister is dressed like a guitar. And wearing glasses shaped like guitars. Her voice is awesome, but Mary doesn’t get her. Yeses from everybody else.
You know what would be funny? If someone pretended they didn't get a golden ticket when they really did get a golden ticket. That'd be genius! Oh look, she just did it!! So funny.
A boy who looks like a cat, a boy named Hansel singing Reflection, a gay boy who loves Britney Spears. Nos all around.
Right now my mom is getting all indignant because Mary can’t seem to find the time to pay attention to this girl with big boobs who is singing a country song. The judges and Mary love her.
A montage of people getting golden tickets and yelling and being excited. Then a montage of me being hungry but too lazy to get up and make a sandwich.
Two things. 1) A new Bones tomorrow!! YAY!! 2) Kelly Clarkson likes Bones. YAY!
Skiboski is a pimp with the Idol logo shaved into his head. If I ever lose my hair for whatever reason, I want Ryan’s name shaved in it. For reals.I hope he isn’t good, cause I don’t want to deal with him. Damn it, he’s good. He’s singing that song about the grapevine that spreads rumors about people and he heard it. He says something that confuses even Randy, and everybody but the guys like him. So he’s through to Hollywood. Randy calls him “skiblowski” cause he’s an idiot.
Carmen and Lauren are stupid BFFs and are auditioning together and one of them isn’t wearing pants. Didn’t these two girls audition together last year? Ryan asks how long they’ve been friends, but accentuates the friends part. Then Kara hints around about whether or not they’ve made porn together or plan on making porn together. They act like stupid, pointless teenagers until Simon forces them to shut up and audition. The one who isn’t wearing pants sings boring and the other one, who also isn’t wearing pants, is a little better, but not by much. She’s basically desecrating a Kelly Clarkson song. I’m not impressed. In fact, I’m shaking my fist at the Kelly abuse. Simon calls them ditz and forces the rest of the judges to tear apart their friendship by saying yes to one of them and no to the other. But they’re basically the same person in different color shirts anyway, so what’s the difference.
During commercial break, I went to go make a peanut butter sandwich and got bit in the butt by a dog on the way.
Girls, girls, girls, and more girls who can’t sing. Then a girl, who might be a boy, or maybe a boy as a girl, I’m not sure, but he/she can’t sing.
Simon gets up and walks away. I don’t know why. My mom is on the phone and won’t shut up! Just chit-chatting like we’re not watching something. The manners in this house, I swear.
Anyway, Bryan is a cop, and he’s got a good voice.
Kauly Jo: i already wanna marry this guy
roarimaraptor: me too
Kauly Jo: i called it first. step off bitch
roarimaraptor: hehe
Kauly Jo: because marriage should be like shotgun
roarimaraptor: HA!
Randy’s all syched like, “Dawg! Cops can’t sing but then you came in and you sang and you totally faked us out! I’m an idiot, dawg!” I’m paraphrasing. Bryan’s on to Hollywood.
A guy with a beard acts stupid and can’t listen and keeps bursting into song. And then Mary J. Blige won’t shut up about whatever it is she won’t shut up about. And then he leaves cursing and then comes back and starts singing again until security literally has to drag his ass out. Even the people in the elevator with him are standing as far from him as they can. They’re like pressed against the walls. Ha! What a dumbass.
Last audition is a 62 year old homeless man, singing an original called, Pants On the Ground. I love this guy. I hope this song will be sold on iTunes later tonight, because this is awesome. I want this ringtone!
Randy gets up and starts singing the song with him, and then later(earlier?) does it for Ryan while doing sit-ups and then later everybody in the holding area sings it. Awesome. I want this guy to win.
I’m already wore down to a tiny little nub from these 3 and a half hours, but we’ll be back next week for some more. Out.
No comments:
Post a Comment