So we've got the city boy, born and raised in South Detroit and the small town girl, living in a lonely world and they both took the midnight train going to American Idol… Oh wait. I'm sorry, I was watching Glee again right before this. I love that show already. But I hope Idol never pulls that crap with me where it airs one episode in May and then makes me wait until the fall to see the next. I will roll over on you!! Ask Melrose Place what happened when they left me with a cliff-hanger season finale. Go ahead and ask! They’ll tell you we never spoke again. That was 1995 and the scars STILL hurt.
Anyway, THIS is American Idol. The guys are both dressed from head to toe in white, except for Adam’s black hooker boots. But damn, they both look good in their pants tonight. Yeah, I went there. I got dirty. Wanna make something of it? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Ryan’s “dawg”, Randy, is wearing a bow tie. Kara is wearing GIANT earrings. Paula is wearing a dress the color of skin, so it’s almost like she’s not wearing anything at all. And Simon’s shirt is unbuttoned to like his 7th rib. And Carrie Underwood is looking purty in the audience tonight. I don’t know most celebrities by name, so I can’t specify who is here… but there are a lot of them here tonight.
Adam is stunned by how many people are here, and his microphone isn’t working right so we don’t actually get to hear how stunned he really is.
Mikalah Gordon is in Kris’s home town with a skin and hair color I hardly remember. She annoys a poor little girl who can’t form words. Paula’s daughter perhaps?
Carly Smithson and her ridiculous tattoo are in San Diego. I guess that means they’re won’t be any kind of fight off between her tattoo and Megan’s. That makes me sad. I was looking forward to that.
Remember how we hoped and prayed for so long for Danny Gokey to leave and then he finally did? Well, he's baa-ack. Never was there a better time to climb inside a staticy television set. Earlier this week, Danny said he loves Michael Sarver in the “right” way, meaning the non-gay way, which is offensive on several levels, not the least of them being that it was Danny’s mouth doing the talking. Him and Miss California should get married and have a bunch of babies so I can have more reasons not to want to go to Church. I want to make out with a chick now, just to show him. Where’s a Clarkson when you need one? I’m glad after tomorrow night I will never have to mention his name again. Oh wait… the tour. Well, from now on I’m going to call him ‘That Guy’.
That Guy and the other top 12 are singing that Pink song about how she wants to start a fight with her husband, but so what, cause she’s a rock star. I love that song so much that one time I was singing along to it at the Taco Bell drive thru without even realizing that my window was open. But so what, cause I am a rock star. I got my rock moves. In my car.
I forgot about Jorge!! Wait… who’s this black girl? Was she in the top 13 before? I don’t recognize her. I don’t recognize any of these people!! But I do love this song. Everybody is dressed in white, like lovely lovely angels who‘s names I don‘t know.
blozor636: It's cool how they let everyone wear their normal clothing styles, only in white. It's like what the past season would have looked like if all the contestants died in some horrible bus accident and competed in Heaven.
GASP! I forgot to look for Scott!! I was supposed to stare into his eyes and sing ‘You Found Me’. My bad, I guess.
My husba-… I’m sorry. I mean, David Cook is here singing ‘Permanent‘. I can’t believe he’s singing this song. He wrote it about his brother who passed away like two weeks ago. That’s brave. I’d break into tears before even leaving the house. He’s guitar-less and dressed in a vest with a tiny tie. It’s acoustic almost all the way through, but then, unlike the album version, drums kick in. OMG, I love it. I want to marry David so much. Also, his drummer. And dude, Andy Skibb is hot. A man on piano is always hot.
Kauly Jo: i love how he's dressed like a rockin' banker
Kauly Jo: "you want a loan for a fender? righteous!! go for it!"
This performance is going to be available on iTunes and the proceeds go to an organization that helps find a cure for brain cancer. I don’t participate in the iTunes, but I will tonight.
Heh. Justin Guarini is ultra tanned.
So we’re doing the useless filler of handing out fake awards to the bad singers. I won’t go through it, but think of some of the weirdest male singers from the auditions and imagine them auditioning again and then one of them being here and being given an award. NICK NORMAN MITCHELL GENTLE!!!!!
And the winner is… Nick Mitchell!! He comes out from the audience in a hoodie and jeans because nobody told he was going to be winning anything. Then he rips his clothes off, yells “hit it”, and sings the usual song. Nicely played, Idol!! I forgive you for not giving me the Tattoo fight off I wanted. HAHA! This is the best moment of the night. I don’t even need to watch the rest to tell you this is the best moment of the night. “Norman Gentle ‘09. Peace out.” HAHA!!
HA! Ryan is wearing Nick’s glasses and hair band. HAHAHA! Oh God, I love you Seacrest. This is a good night, so far.
Oh wait. Nevermind. Lil is singing. But oooh, wait! Queen Latifah is singing with her. I love Queen Latifah like woah, you guys. Not in a lesbian way at all and not in that weird way where I want to turn into a dude, but just in a “she’s so awesome and Bringing Down The House is hilarious” kind of way. Is Eminem dancing back-up?
Anoop is singing that song I hate about…. I don’t know what. ’I’m Yours’ I think. I hate it. Alexis is singing with him and so is Jason Mraz. In other words, nothing I care to see or hear is happening on the screen right now, so I feel like leaving the room. Wait, the other Idols are joining them. Scott looks as out of place as he ever did. It must be so weird not to be able to see anything on that big ole stage in that big old room in that big ole city. If I was blind, I’d climb into a hole and never leave it.
Video Montage of Kris Allen. He auditioned, he high-fived Smokey Robinson, he played piano, he made it to the finale. Kris and Keith Urban are singing ‘Kiss A Girl”.
Note to self: Download this song later. But only audio, because Keith Urban plays guitar like he’s having a seizure, and who wants to look at that.
I think Justin Guarini and Paula went tanning together and fell asleep in the booth. Or somebody - I’d guess Ryan or Adam - ‘accidentally’ left them in there too long like that episode of Family Guy when Stewie got a tanning bed. Well done, boys. Well done. You’re still the prettiest two here tonight.
The 5 girls are singing ‘Glamorous’. It‘s aweful. It‘s so aweful. That’s why we haven’t seen another female on this show for like the last 6 weeks, aside from Allison. But then Fergie is here to save the night. She’s singing a song I love, ‘Big Girls Don’t Cry’. Do you guys remember when she was on Kids Incorporated? Man, did I love that show. Apparently, I just love singing shows. That show was lip synched to hell and back… but still. I loved it. By the way, the Black-eyes Peas look like thugs. I’d hate to run into them in a dark alley. Or even a well lit alley. And ha!! Things cut out while they were rapping. I wish it had lasted longer. This is annoying. And tell Fergie to put some pants on. They do some weird shit that would be cool if this was like that Randy Jackson dance show. But it’s not. So shut up and move on. Except all the judges stand up and clap and Ryan calls them “number one”. Shut up, Seacrest. I never say that to you, but I say it now.
Another award. “Best Attitude”. Nominees are Bikini Face, some crazy girl, and another crazy girl I don’t remember who chops up ‘Because of You‘ so badly that it kills Kelly Clarkson and then spins her around in her freshly dug grave. Ew, bikini on stage. I refuse to recap this part. Except that Ryan makes a joke about her new boob job.
HA! Okay, but then Kara comes out singing and that is awesome. I mean, it would be awesome if it wasn’t Bikini Face on stage with her. Even David Cook is loving it. But he better be keeping his eyes to himself if he knows what’s good for him!!
Kara flashes her own bikini, in a non-trashy way, and so Ryan donates money to some charity for it.
Ryan harasses his dad in the audience and then Allison is singing ‘Time After Time’ with Cyndi Lauper and her crotch. Allison is magical, ya’ll. I’d like to learn her last name one of these days.
Both IMs received at the same time:
Kauly Jo: is cindy seizing?
blozor636: Cindy Lauper's going into a seizure!
Ryan goes to talk to Kris’s parents and his mom admits that this spectacle has already made her forget why they were even here. Me too! I forgot all about Kris or Adam until just now. They could have just ended the show at 9, and not announced a winner, and I wouldn’t even have realized until sometime during lunch tomorrow.
“That Guy” is sitting on the steps singing ‘Hello’. David Cook must be spinning in his chair! And then Lionel Richie is here. I wish he’d sing ‘Penny Lover’. I do love that song, and so does Seacrest. But they sing some other songs that go on forever and ever. It’s so long that you can the difference in the beard growth on “That Guy” from the beginning to end.
Adam’s journey: He started performing when he was ten, then he came here and audition, and then he took the country by storm. Then he started talking about his period. Then he came on stage wearing a jacket that looks like he got tangled up in a tumbleweed. He’s wearing giant boots, and leather pants, and handcuffs, and OMG, he’s singing ‘Beth’. This is probably every Kiss fan’s least favorite song, but it’s my favorite. I LOVE THIS SONG! Then Adam and Kiss are singing ‘Detroit Rock City’ and ‘I Wanna Rock and Roll All Night‘. Seriously, if anybody wore what Adam is wearing, they’d be laughed off the planet. But somehow… he makes it awesome. That must be what rock and roll is really about.
Carlos Santana. Boring. Ooh, but then Matt. I forgot about Matt. Then the rest of the Idols come out. Adam is wearing suspenders and it makes me want to have his babies. I mean, I’m committed to David and Ryan and all, but neither one of them ever calls, so if Adam and I decide to hook up… well, it’s their own faults for neglecting me. Everyone is wearing black and red and looking snazzy. Except Scott can’t find the camera ever. He kind of fumbles around cause nobody is holding on to him. I love me all kinds of Scott, but he needs to stay behind an instrument. The awkward movements just make me sad.
The Ford video is a song I love and must download. Once I find out the name.
But then there’s a video of David Cook, my sugar daddy, giving Adam and Kris the keys to a car.
Then Sarver and Arm Tattoo are singing while Steve Martin plays the banjo. This is like a parody. Is this SNL? Is that Kristin Wig? I do love Steve Martin though. I want to watch ‘Cheaper By The Dozen’ now.
All the boys are in black suits singing ’Do Ya Think I’m Sexy’. No, but I do want to vomit right now. Oooh, except for Matt. And Adam. And sometimes Scott. It’d be awesome if they sang ‘Men In Black’. And then Rod Stewart is here, looking and sounding like he just spun himself right out of his grave. There’s dancing and banjos, and Paula’s boobs, and Bo Bice and celebrities spazzing in the audience.
Another award. For outstanding female. I don’t remember any of these people. They’re so un-rememberable that there’s no point in doing this. Why are they doing this? Oh. Tatiana. That’s why. Her laugh makes me want to shoot myself. Or her. But I will not do jail time for her! Ha! Even young Cody was rolling his eyes at her even way back when.
Ryan screams like her, but makes her stay at her seat - which is directly behind Cook - but she runs up on stage anyway and is chased down by stage hands. She takes the mic and sings anyway and Ryan gets all twitchy because we’re running out of time and she just won’t stop.
Mmmmm, Kris and Adam singing ‘We Are The Champions’. Kris and Adam are high fiving and kicking equal amounts of ass. Oooh, I hope the final vote is a tie!
Wait a second… why the hell didn’t Scott sing? I’ve been waiting all effin’ night. Asswads. Let’s see if I ever watch this show again!
Simon gets all Paula and is like, “Gosh, I love you both, I wish you both could win.”
The entire audience is holding hands…. and the winner is… Kris? Both Kris and my mouth’s drop open. Kris can’t believe it and Adam shakes him like a British nanny. Someone comes out and hands him a trophy. Hmmm, a trophy. Nice.
This is weird. This is so weird. I want to say I hate this show… but I like Kris. And also, I can’t wait until next season to start.
HA! Allison and Adam are rocking out while Kris sings that stupid song - which I am totally going to download later, but don’t tell anyone - and that is awesome. I love Adam. He’s a good guy. Cause you know if this had been Tatiana coming in second, it would have been a bitch fest.
blozor636: She'd explode.
blozor636: Like, literally.
blozor636: There would be guts and crazy herpes everywhere.
I’m sad now. What will I do with myself? How else will I get attention if I don’t have recaps to write.
Its been a nice season. Sort of boring. But nice anyhow. This is the future Mrs. David Cook signing out.
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