The Brother - "What if I got pregnant when I was 16?"
Me - "I'd be concerned that you had a uterus."
The Brother - "No, I mean what if I got someone pregnant."
Me - "That's not what you said."
The Brother - "You know what I meant."
Me - "But that's not what you said!"
The Brother - "You know what I meant!"
Me - "I'm gonna write this down!"
THIS is American Idol
*dances to theme*
The Brother would like me to inform you that he’s “very very very excited” about Nathaniel and he’ll be voting for two hours after the show and everyone else should vote for only Nathaniel and no one else. I do not endorse this opinion, I am just the messenger.
Everybody’s wearing what they usually wear tonight and hot seeing eye guy is back!! We don’t want Scott falling down those winding stairs. DannyGokey, sure. Scott, no.
Von Smith is first and I can’t remember if I developed an opinion on him during the Hollywood rounds or not. He’s singing a song I do not know which is way too low for him. It goes on forever and I kind of feel like I’m watching a performance at a junior high summer camp or something. But maybe I went to some high scale summer camp, because the judges thought he was awesome. Hmmm. The judges are like pissing themselves over how great they think he is, but I just want to turn away and open my bag of Dill Pickle chips. They compare him to Clay, but I don’t see it. I hope Ryan didn’t hear it though or he might try to rape him.
Taylor is 17 and she’s from Utah. She kind of looks like David Archuleta if he was a girl. Actually, no. She looks like David Archuleta if he was a boy who then became a girl. Oh God, she’s singing Alicia Keys. She’s just lucky I’m too lazy to leave the room. This is like the worst rendition of ’If I Can’t Have You’ I’ve ever heard and I’ve heard a lot of renditions. Kara tells Taylor that she wants to know what it’s like to go shopping with her and she should have shown that through song. Paula uses the word “perplexed” and Simon needs the shopping thing cleared up cause he has people he pays to do shopping for him. He wants to know what kind of cereal she likes but she doesn’t answer because she’s too busy trying not to cry. Ryan’s all like “Why are you crying?” and she lies that they are tears of joy. As are mine, Taylor. As are mine. Then Ryan and Simon argue over each other’s pants.
Alex is so nervous and geeky hanging out on the red couch with Ryan and then they make jokes about spotting each other at the gym. I’d date him. I would. OMG… he’s singing a song I love!! I WOULD DATE HIM! He’s practically an ultrasound, but he’s legal. He’s Singing ‘I guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues’, which is on my list of favorite songs of all times. I can’t tell if he’s sucking or not. It’s very possible that this is atrocious, but it could also be beautiful. I don’t know. But Paula calls it “entertaining” which mean it probably was god awful vocally. Simon didn’t like it, of course. Alex looks very sad, like he might cry. He clutches Ryan’s hand. I wish I could marry them in some weird non-sexual three way wedding. Kind of like the one I wanted to have with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, only this wedding will eventually become dirty. I’m just sayin’.
Arianna is singing ‘The Winner Takes It All’. Simon calls it “too big” and “dreary”. Simon’s all like, “I liked you before, but not anymore, now get off the stage.” I’m paraphrasing, but you know what I mean. The judges all used to think she was cute as a button but not anymore. Kara says this. And then she encourages Arianna to “touch people”. I think we’ve had enough trouble with contestants touching others, Kara. I know you’re new here, but get with the program.
The Brother - “What was her name again?”
Me - “Arianna… Oh God, you’re not gonna vote for her are you?”
The Brother - “No I’m telling others too. I don’t have time for this.”
Ju’ Not is singing something by Plain White Tees and this can only turn out ugly. He’s actually making it pretty, but I hate that Delilah song. He looks like Grizz or Dot Com from 30 Rock. The judges love it.
Nathaniel still has baby cheeks. Ryan is sitting on the couch with him and Kristen and asks why they couldn’t get along in Hollywood and they call out the other chick who was in their group. Kristen’s all phony about how things are cool between her and Nathaniel. Then I miss her performance because of this:
Me - “Someone just said, “god, i forget that nathaniel is on this show and then he shows up like a flaming seagull!”
The Brother - “That’s not funny!! How could you forget about Nathaniel!”
Kristen calls Kara “Ma’am” and then Kara lies that her hair looks better. Then they’re all like, “Sing Kelly Clarkson songs!!” and I’m like, “God! How dare they?!!” The judges all feel like they don’t know her anymore and she looks like she wants to curse them out but can’t because she knows Ryan Seacrest will destroy her.
I wish someone would just give Nathaniel a little bit of love. He needs some sort of constant in his life and that’s why he clings to music so. Or at least that’s my non-professional psychological evaluation of Nathaniel. He’s singing ‘I Would Do Anything For Love’. I’ve been waiting all my life for someone to sing this song on Idol!! Actually, my dream was for Kelly and Clay to do this as a duet on tour, but noooo, they had to do ‘Open Arms‘. Anyway, this is pretty good.
Kauly Jo: oh god. i almost threw up in my mouth
Kauly Jo: i thought his tattoo was chest hair
Kauly Jo: i'm still gagging
roarimaraptor: now you know how i feel when i see kim caldwell!!
roarimaraptor: you laughed at me then!
Simon calls it “uncomfortable” because he’s all weird about the gays. But then he calls him fun. Nathaniel picked this song because him and his mom used to sing it before she got herself carted off to prison and let her son be bounced from family member to family member. Ryan runs out into the audience to hold Nathaniel’s grandma’s hand and harass her a little bit. Then Paula stumbles over the word “meatloaf”.
Ryan drags Nathaniel over to Simon and tries to get them to make out, but Simon only has lips for Ryan,s o instead he gives Simon his headband. Then Paula molests Nathaniel.
Felicia Barton is the girl who was cut and then brought back because Joanna Paciti was cut. And by the way the other day I was shuffling my play list and a song by Joanna came on. I know, right? Anyway, Felicia is singing ‘No One’ by Alicia Keys. I kind of like this song and I’m not an Alicia Keys fan. I’m not a Felicia fan either, but she’s pretty good… wait… she kind of looks like Caldwell in a black wig! Down with Felicia! But she doesn’t make me twitch and itch when she looks into the camera, so I guess it’s okay. She seems down to earth and I like that.
SCOTT! The moment I’ve been waiting for since this season started! I hope Ryan tries to high five him again. Scott's hair is still a hot ass mess. Maybe someone should do something about that. There is so much I want to do, but only so much I can do. He’s singing ‘Mandolin Rain’. I want him to get into the top 12 so he can DESTROY DannyGokey!
Kauly Jo: the sad part is he has better audience interaction than a lot of these people, and he can't even see them
roarimaraptor: i was thinking the same thing
The judges all dance around his blindness instead of just coming right out and saying that his ass is blind. Everybody already knows!! Unless they’re blind themselves, you can tell just by looking at him. Randy gives him props, Kara claims that he moves mountains, Paula says something about something, and Simon calls him the only one he’ll remember from tonight. Him and Ryan get all touchy feely and then Scott insists they high five. Awesome. I love him. I want to marry Scott. If I have to, I could trick him by having him sign a wedding paper by telling him it’s something else. “Please sign this and we will have a brand new piano delivered to your home… SIKE! Now we’re married!! WHOOO!”
Back from commercial, Ryan is in Randy’s seat and Randy starts acting drunk. Then Kara starts acting goofy and we got to Kendall’s video package. Kendall’s wearing a scrunchie as a dress since she’s the size of a small to medium sized pony-tail. She’s singing ‘This One’s For The Girls’. Why do all the girls suck tonight? The judges are like, “Meh, you’re cute.” She’s the size of Ryan’s arm, which never ever happens to him.
Jorge is singing ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me’. Okay, guys, this is the last time I’m going to say this. This song GOT CLAY AIKEN INTO THE COMPETITION. Don’t sing it if you can’t blow him out of the water. Cause even if you’re awesome, you’re not, because Clay rocked this song forever and you can‘t be better than that. Paula praises him all over and Simon’s like, “You heart him, don’t you?” The judges are all over because they didn’t get the Clay memo I just now sent out. They’re like rolling over about how awesome he was, but I didn’t see it. Jorge cries like crazy and speaks crazy in Spanish.
Kauly Jo: Damn it! Tiny Boobs got pimp spot
Kauly Jo: lil rounds sounds like a euphemism for tiny boobs to me
Lil Rounds is a ridiculous name and I want to not vote for her just for that. Not that I planned on voting anyway, but you know what I mean. She’s wearing what looks like a giant, yellow envelope as a shirt. This is boring. She’s the best vocally, of course, but it’s like… so what? Simon calls her brilliant, but it’s like… so what? Randy says has “unbelievable vocals”, but it’s like… so what? Kara calls her a powerhouse, but it’s like… so what? Paula loves her, but it’s like… so what?
My guess for tomorrow are Scott and Lil Rounds, even though that’s a totally stupid name. I don’t know about the third person. I’d kind of like to see Nate get in, but only because I saw a you tube video of him singing ‘Bleeding Love’ and it was awesome. Also, because I can’t remember anybody else from tonight. I’d say Alex but I don’t think he can get his shit together enough to last in the top 12.
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