The Brother - "So do you think Cook and Kimberly Caldwell ever did anything together?"
Me - "Ew... Of course they did. She's a whore."
THIS is American Idol. Or as I like to call it "4 Judges Who Make You Think You're Picking The Top 12 But Really They Are " or "Shut Up, Randy Jackson".
Ryan’s wearing a big boy suit tonight. The judges are introduced by an announcer as they come out from behind the stage. They walk like it’s a fashion show to their seats. Then Ryan is announced and he walks down a million steps to get to the stage. This makes me nervous because stairs make me nervous. I’m good at falling down them and what if Ryan channels my clumsiness and falls? Ryan laughs cause he thinks this entrance thing is lame. Then him and Simon hold hands and make out.
Randy says that all 13 people could win. Is that what they’re going to do? Have 13 winners? I wouldn’t be surprised. Then Kara talks like she’s ever been on this show ever and has a clue what she’s talking about.
Kauly Jo: why does it look like paula's wearing a leopard that ate a big bird?
The contestants are all introduced one by one and it seems like there’s more than 13. I swear Ryan’s calling out names for like an hour. We already know who they all are, so we won’t talk about them. Except there’s Kris, Adam, and Scott with his blind seeing eye guy.
Whooo! 2 people are going home tomorrow! Take that, number 13!!
Tonight’s theme is… Michael Jackson songs. If Archie was still here, I’d make some Jesus Juice jokes. But he is not. So I will not.
Lil Rounds is first singing ‘The Way You Make Me Feel’. This is probably the song I’d sing if I was on the show. Lil’s top was cut off of a prom dress. There’s nothing impression about any of this.
Blozor636: This sounds like music they play for narcoleptics if they have trouble falling asleep.
Randy’s all “WHOO! YAY THE BEST SONG EVER!!!” God, lay off the drugs Randy. But then Kara says the same thing. So I’ll agree. Vocally, she wasn’t bad, but it’s like… so what? I wanted to take a nap. Simon calls it a “lazy” song choice and he gets booed even though it’s true.
In case you guys didn’t know it, Scott’s blind. Also, awesome. But that we already knew. Hot seeing eye guy is Scott’s brother! His sister is also blind. This is sadness. My future husband here is playing the piano and singing ‘Keep The Faith’, a song I have never heard. It’s very pretty. My only issue is that somebody needs to tell him about that stupid upturned collar on his coat. I don’t approve of upturned collars. They look stupid.
The Brother - “He actually brushed his hair!”
The Mother - “He can’t see it though.”
Me - “But everybody else can!”
Kara liked the song choice because Scott has a message and his message was carried out in this song. I like songs with messages. Paula calls his instrument at his fingertips, magical. Simon hated the song. Randy tells him that he thought ‘Man In The Mirror’ was better but Scott never sang that song, so that just means Randy is stupid and nothing he says should ever be taken seriously.
My only fear bigger than dying alone, or being cornered by Constantine in a dark alley or a well-lit hallway, is to marry someone with a terrible last name. I don't want to pass on to my kids a horrible name like Humperdink. Or Gokey. I like simple names, like Cook and Seacrest. And Braddy. Oh God, I miss Ricky!! I blame this entirely on Anoop and his stupid number 13.
Anyway, back to DannyGokey. Everything thinks that one day I will magically love him, but I promise y'all right now that I will not change my feelings on DannyGokey. I know it happened with Constantine and David Cook, but those were different. My hatred for Constantine was fueled by some misguided passion which eventually bubbled to the surface, but once I took some antibiotics, I went back to hating him as I was meant to do. I explained already that I was under a lot of stress when Cook came along thanks to Clay Aiken's bad haircut and I had to direct that anger somewhere. David seemed the most likely candidate because... Well, just look at pictures of him from back then. But then he turned into a swan and his true beauty was revealed.
He tries being funny in his video package but it reminds me of when Kim Caldwell tries to be funny. He’s singing PYT. I’m going to take this moment to eat some Flavor Blasted Nacho Goldfish.
I don’t ever want to hear him use the word tenderoni again.
Paula stands up and dances just like you thought she would. Also, she’s wearing a feather. When he’s done, the judges all kiss his butt and then crown him the winner. DannyGokey either promises or threatens to keep up the horrible dancing.
Michael goes back to his oil rig job to rub the TV camera’s into his old coworkers faces. His cute little daughter has what she calls “happy tears”. Back in LA, he’s singing ‘You Are Not Alone’. His face reminds me of if Nick Carter and Brian Littrell from BSB had a baby together and raised it as an oil rigger who then went on American and sang that song about how you are never alone, not even when you want to be alone, because he is always there.
This song was written by R. Kelly. Ponder that one, America. Ponder it. Also ponder that this was the video where Michael frolicked butt ass naked.
Simon calls him “not the best singer”, but that he made up for it with passion and heart. Randy calls him “one of the best” even though only four people have sang. Kara has a giant black ribbon around her neck. I wonder if you untied it… if her head would fall off.
Jasmine has the face of someone I’ve seen on this show before. She tells Ryan that stylists take them shopping for clothes and do there hair and Ryan gets jealous that they get to keep the clothes. Back in Jasmine’s hometown, she has 18 sisters and like 4 moms. Also, some babies.
She’s singing ‘I’ll Be There’. I love this song! The judges reviews are mixed.
If I was on this show, I’d sing ‘I Found That Girl’ and dedicate it to Kelly Clarkson.
Next is Kris. I don’t approve of the spelling of the name, but I like him. Ugh, he’s married. Nevermind. I’m not into married men.
But oooh! He’s playing guitar and singing, ‘Do You Remember’. This is awesome. Who cares if he’s married. He does funny things with his mouth when he sings though. I hope he doesn’t do that when he’s kissing his wife.
Kara points out that the girls love Kris and so the girls scream in response. She tells him he’s awesome with his guitar. Kara tells us that Kris spent a lot of time this week helping out other contestants. GASP! I love him!! Simon tries to take Paula’s clothes off while Paula tries to explains that the reason Kris was helping the others because no one knows Michael Jackson’ catalogue better than him. I’m not sure what that means. But then she calls him “Adorable sexy”.
Something weird happens and then Ryan makes a big fuss about Simon being single.
Kelly Montana is next and I’m the only one in the world who thinks she looks or sounds at all like Hannah Montana. One of these days I need to learn her actual name. But this is not one of those days. She’s singing ‘Give In To Me’ a song I do not know. It’s awesome. Paula calls her “mind boggling” and a “rock star” and that she’s probably been doing this since she was two. Even though we just saw a home video of her doing this when she was two. Simon calls it a good performance and he’s glad that she knows what kind of artist she wants to be. Randy tells her she’s “got it”. He calls her “one to watch”. Indeed. I like her. And I rarely ever like the girls. If I had a song, I’d want him to date her.
I've tried, but I just don't get this Anoop thing. Please don't try explaining it to me cause I still won't get it. Its like if you asked me to explain the Seacrest thing. I wouldn't be able to cause even I don't understand my love for him. I might have some sort of protein or vitamin deficiancy and if I just got a little more sunlight and ate a steak it would pass, but that's the closest explanation I can give you. Him and Ryan reminisce about how last week Idol was expecting 12 babies but the ultrasound kept missing the 13th baby. And then it was born and they named it Anoop. Then he came back this week and sang ‘Beat It’. He doesn’t even sound like himself. The stylists did good things to him though. Except for the stupid turned up collar.
Paula and Simon say “after you” for 10 minutes until Ryan punches them in the face and tells them to get moving cause we only have 49 minutes left. Paula thinks ‘Beat It’ is untouchable. Simon thought it was horrible and karaoke. And the rest of the judges concur. Anoop gets a little case of the “pissed-off” eyes, which I don’t approve of.
Patti: he's acting kind of assy
shrewlaura: Seriously.
Patti: and that's why i don't like danny gokey too... since everybody keeps asking why
shrewlaura: I would never question a person's dislike of Danny Gokey.
Awww, Ryan sits in the audience with his mom and his Nana. He took them out to dinner the other night. I saw it on the internets.
Jorge is singing ‘Never Can Say Goodbye’ one of my favorite Jackson 5 songs. If you asked me and Ryan what our song is I’d say this. Among others. But this one too. I want Scott to sing it at our wedding.
Randy said it was too old fashioned. Kara didn’t like the song choice and then Paula had “mad love”,
Paula - “Why did you pick this song?”
Jorge - “ I didn’t have a lot to choose from. I wasn’t going to sing Bad.”
Simon - “Well, you sort of did.”
Jorge - *death glare*
HAHA!
Arm Tattoo and Ryan sit in the drinking fountain stools and talk about how her family and friends forced her into auditioning. Those bastards!! Her brother is in the audience and he’s cute. I’d totally date him.. If he was a few years older than 21.
Megan is divorced and has a kid? I didn’t know this. I mean, if I went back through my recaps, I’d probably find I had plenty to say about it, but I don’t remember. She’s singing ‘Rockin’ Robin’. This song shouldn’t be sung by anybody other than kids under 10 in talent shows.
Kauly Jo: why does it look like she stole a dress from an 80 year old hooker??
Simon calls it a stupid song choice. He calls it clumsy and awkward. Many truths there. Ryan tells us to vote for her, but we won’t.
ADAM!! In his video package he’s wearing the same shirt Kris wore earlier tonight. Hmmm. Interesting. He’s singing ‘Black and White’. I hope Ryan does the Macauley Culkin rap. Adam isn’t scared of no sheets, by the way. I like this racial equality side of Adam. And I like that I now know the lyrics to this song since I never understood them when Jackson sang them.
Kauly Jo: not surprising that Adam would pick a song where in the video men morph into women and then back again
^ ^ Best quote ever.
Paula yells at Adam to “Take it!!” She loves him and makes him cry with her flattering words. Then she talks about fashion marrying music which might get the homophobes up in arms. But Adam probably already did that and they changed the channel before hearing Paula say it. Simon says the performance was in an entirely different league than anybody else. I won’t repeat Randy’s nonsense, but he praises Adam to the high heavens and so does Kara. It’s like why are we even bothering with this show? Just let Adam sing all night every night, every week, until May. Then we can bring back David Cook and they can sing and cry together.
Kauly Jo: adam is the most masculine girl on the show. and yet, she makes ryan look feminine somehow
Matt’s dad cries about how much he loves Matt. And then Seacrest molests a bunch of girls in the audience who I will have to beat up after the show if they touch him. Matt finally plays this piano we keep hearing so much about. He’s singing ‘Human Nature’. The judges love him.
Alexis is from Memphis and she likes the blues. Then she cries about her baby. Now she’s singing ‘Dirty Diana’. It’s really good. Kara and Paula call her naughty and get all lesbian flirty. The judges rush through their comments because we’re running out of time and Ryan has to carefully explain Diana’s number for tonight. Rumor has it that 1-866-IDOLS-13 is actually a sex line so they had to give number 13 a special number. Remember last year when I tried voting for Cook and I kept getting what I feared was a sex line?
Kauly Jo: HAHAHA. the girl with the porn line singing Dirty Diana. when did Idol get on the sex train??
Seacrest announces another change for tomorrow night. Damn you, Idol! Don't make me say things I can't take back!
So who goes home tomorrow? I guess Jasmine, Arm Tattoo, or one of those other people who’s names I don’t know.
Also, Kelly Clarkson is here and I go lesbian for 3-5 minutes.
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