April 22, 2009 - You’re a train wreck, but I wouldn’t love you if you changed.

April 22, 2009 - You’re a train wreck, but I wouldn’t love you if you changed.

I don’t even know how to explain the opening, but it’s that same dramatic opening as always. Except this time Danny explains extensively how seven minus two equals five. 

THIS is American Idol.

Someone in the audience has a “Ryan’s biggest fan(literally)” sign. I guess I might be the un-literally biggest fan. I’m still not feeling the big boy suits though. I prefer my Seacrests in jeans and goofy t-shirts. 

Earlier this week, the Idols had some dance training with Paula Abdul. Paula is many things, but a bad dancer is not one of them. So this might be good. Everybody looks sexy during dance rehearsal except the girls, Danny, and Anoop. Well, the girls might look sexy. I don’t know. I don’t typically recognize female sexiness. And then Matt downloads his own performance of ‘Let’s Get It On’ to use as a ringtone. That’s awesome. No, Matt is awesome. 

Group song: Everybody but Adam is wearing sunglasses. Danny and Anoop are wearing hideous pimp suits that make me wish I didn’t have such an aversion to vomiting to that I could vomit on myself. Also, they are lip syncing again. Actually, they’re all wearing hideous pimp suits. But they’re wearing them with jeans so some of them look good. But the lip syncing ruins everything. Ashlee Simpson would vomit on herself. 

Then the Idols give Paula flowers, Ryan stops her from tripping over her own heels, she cries, and I roll my eyes about how I hope they never let these people ‘sing’ and dance at the same time on my television again. 

Back from the commercial, the girls are gone. Presumably changing out of the hideous disco dance outfits. The guys are sitting on the couch while Ryan introduces the commercial. It is the Idols baking cupcakes in someone’s  kitchen. Then Matt grows a beard and works at a construction site. Hot. Oh, the other guys are there too. But maybe not all of them. I can’t tell. It moves too fast and I can’t type and watch at the same time.

Last night, Lil still didn’t know who she was. Ryan sends her to the far side of the stage.  I IMed to someone, “What if right now Ryan was like ‘You’re going home.’” And then he totally does! She sings again but for no reason. Man, I wish I had some snacks in the kitchen so I could use this moment to go get some.  The judges are all like, “You’ll go so far in your life! This is only the beginning!” Except Simon, who I guess declines to speak. 

Then there is some old lady here to sing ‘Band Of Gold‘.

Kauly Jo: who is this woman?

Kauly Jo: and why is she singing K-Lo's song sucky?

roarimaraptor: ha!

roarimaraptor: i don't know

Then another old lady who walks like she’s drunker than Paula’s ever been sings a song I do not know.  

OMG, and then there’s somebody else!! He’s old too!! Him I know though. Someone of the Sunshine Band, with half naked women dancing around him. That thing I said earlier about wishing I had snacks in the kitchen? Now I wish I had a sparkly beverage of some kind that I could go get during this. Or I wish I had to pee. The Idols are swaying along to the music, but I wonder if they even really care. You couldn’t pay me to care. I would just stand there and sway side to side, thinking about what I’m going to eat after the show. That’s how boring this is. It’s enough to make me wish Danny would sing again. I’d almost rather be watching Fringe, and you heard my thoughts on Fringe yesterday. 

TCreature3: i wish they would keep their camera on Adam

roarimaraptor: yeah, we wouldn't miss anything happening on the stage

TCreature3: just hookers

Ryan calls this a shocking double elimination, even though it’s not shocking, since we’ve known since the season started that they would do a double elimination. Don’t make me want to slap you Seacrest. 

Last night, Kris figuratively wore women’s underwear, but tonight, he is safe. Adam was awesome last night and he tries to explain why he’s awesome and Ryan interrupts and is just like, “Sit down.” Danny stands up and… this is what happened. For a second, I looked into his eyes and thought they were pretty. I feel so dirty. Like dirty in my soul. But then I realized who I was looking at and that he was making that smile I’ve named the “Summer’s Eve Fart” smile and I got over it. Kris is safe and Anoop is in the bottom 3. 

Allison and Matt, arms around each other….  Matt is safe and totally shocked that he is safe. Which puts Allison in the bottom 3. I am happy and sad about this at the same time. I love Allison, don’t love Anoop.

Archie!! I forgot how much I loved him. He’s doing ‘Touch My Hand’ but I was hoping for ‘A Little Too Not Over You’. I still want to cuddle him, stick him a car seat, and take him out for ice cream. Maybe push him on the swings on the park. Then he can introduce me to Cook, and I’ll drop him off at a babysitters so Cook and I can get busy. 

True story: One time, my friend and I drew this cartoon about our future. I would marry Joey from NKOTB and her Jordan or Jon.. Or Donny. I don’t know, one of them. But anyway, in the cartoon we’d “Get married, have kids, leave the kids with the babysitter, and then get busy”. I guess we didn’t realize getting busy came before the kids did. But I digress.

This season has started to grow on me, but man, I still miss The Davids. I miss last season. I miss last season so much. It hurts my heart. I don’t even know why.

Archie is touring with Mcfly in Europe! Oh, how I wish I lived in Europe! Or did they say England… are England and Europe the same thing? I should brush up my geography. He’s adorable… but anyway, back to Anoop and Allison… Anoop is gone. WHOOOO!! 

His stubble actually looks kind of good… why did the guys all decide to grow stubble this week? 

Goodbye packages. Plenty of tears, but none from me. 

I’m not a complete narcissist… or maybe I am. I don’t know, but I’m curious how many people are reading this season.  With everyone moving from myspace to face book, my comments have dropped considerably and I can’t get a blog read count anymore. So now I’m curious.  Just take this poll.

http://www.createfreepolls.com/vote/Are_you_reading_these_super_delicious_recaps%3F