February 3, 2009 - Ya’ll suck as judges

Simon says “All we’re looking for is a star” meaning, don’t act like assholes. But that’s where all the fun is. When they act like assholes!! Ryan says this is the most dramatic Hollywood week ever. So far this season Ryan has already tried to high five a blind guy,  got kissed full on the mouth by a girl with no discernable amount of shame, and sat between two Castros as they played "Who Can Make Who Seem Gayer First" and rolled his eyes like he doesn't play the same game every week of our lives here on this very show. I don’t really trust his definitions. So I hope by “most dramatic ever”, he means that Scott will be taking his blind guy stick to people’s knee caps. That would beat the unbeatable drama of the Brittenum twins. Remember the Brittenum twins? Remember?! If you don’t, it’s probably because they stole your memory. 

Barry Manilow is here to mentor and or hypnotize people with those creepy Manilow eyes of his. But Scott can’t see them, so it’s all good for him. Nice try, Fox. Nice try. 

Kauly Jo: look!  it's clay aiken...coming back from the future!

On day one, half the contestants get to practice whatever song they want for about 13 seconds backstage and then come on stage in group of eights to audition. Lil Rounds in loud and annoying, but she gets a standing ovation anyway. Or a “standing O” as Ryan calls it. I’ll show you a standing O…. I’m sorry. That was distasteful. But he’s wearing a blue sweater he looks tasty in. It’s not my fault.

Lil and two others are in. 

Dennis, who auditioned bad and made stupid faces, comes back out on stage to act like an a-hole. He sings to Simon like an a-hole. Dennis says they suck at judging and then walks out using the words “cheap” and “lame” a dozen times each to describe Simon’s clothes.  Simon pulls out a gun and shoots him just like in that Mad TV sketch where he shot Clay Aiken. 

While all this nonsense is going on, the other half of the contestants are jumping into pools and reclining by the poolside.

Back at the Kodak, Kara and Paula go hang out with Ryan and they have a ladies pow wow about how things are going. Then they go out together and get they’re eyebrows waxed and then they drink long island iced teas.

Nathaniel Marshall sings a song nobody has every heard of and he has piercing in his lip. I don’t remember him. Paula tells him he is great, but it was a bad song choice. I love him until he starts crying like Andre on season 2 of Project Runway.

Anoop Desai makes Paula smile and she starts plotting, in her head, and quite possibly on paper, how she will make him hers. Ya know, if Kara doesn’t grab him first. 

Rose Fleck is cute, but she borderlines on annoying. Like she’d be totally endearing for about a week and then you have to find a new best friend cause you just can’t take it anymore. But she’s through to the next round along with the rest of her group. 

Steven Fowler sounds typical. Jorge is good, but I thought he was Annop. Von Smith is loud and annoying like Lil Rounds was. Simon calls it “indulgent nonsense” and Von looks like he might cry. All three guys are through and the rest of the group is not. Von realizes he needs to work harder, which shows the kind of common sense we don’t see very often. 

Nick Mitchell, or you might remember him as Norman Gentle, is up next. He is awesome and hilarious, but you can tell Simon is so over it. He calls him a joke. Nick calls Randy “dawg”. Paula tells him she wants him to sing a song stripped down and he starts to take his shirt off. If he doesn’t make it through, I am not watching this show anymore!!

And he’s through! But it’s kind of like Rose Fleck, in that he’s funny and he’s entertaining but he could easily step over the line to annoying and then Seacrest might “accidentally” push him off the stage. 

If I hear “it’s a new day, it’s a new dawn” one more time, I’m gonna effin’ kill myself, I swear to God. The second half drives around in a car that takes voice commands to play music. I’d be whispering, “Play 7:05 by The Jonas Brothers” so nobody in the other lanes hear me. 

Some people are through, some people are cut. Some people cry, some people hug, others wear ugly sweaters with ties. 

My mom confuses Widower Danny with gay Nick from earlier. I bet my mom can’t even tell me apart from strangers on the street. She just has those kinds of issues.  Nick calls Kara, Kiera, and sings ‘Kiss By A Rose’. I’ve always hated this song. He better not be starting a trend of singing songs I hate, cause I like him. I don’t want to hate a widower. It just doesn’t seem right.  

Oh no, now I gotta kill a bitch. Bikini girl, who may or may not actually have a name, has her arms all around my Seacrest. She gives him that “I’ll do anything you want me to do” look. Then she puts her whore lips all over his face. She craps up ‘Breath’ on stage. My girl Kara (Yeah, I didn’t know I could switch to her side either, but throw a slutty girl at my Seacrest… and there ya go. I fold) tells her it wasn’t very good. Though she’s still through to the next round, along with everybody else in her group. Are we cutting anybody tonight?  

Ryan pokes someone who looks like a larger version of himself. It’s  Jeremy, the oil fields guy. His voice is all kinds of pretty and he knows how to act grown and civilized on stage. Same goes for Jesus. But Jeremy is through and Jesus is not.  He acts kind of immature about it in the hall. He has to get on a plane and get home cause he is “done with this”. Shut up, Jesus. Just shut up. 

Osmond boy sings and so does a girl named Ericka. Emily Covered In Tattoos rehearses her ass off on a song, but goes in to audition with something she hasn’t rehearsed yet. Dumb broad. Kara calls it disappointing and Simon agrees. Still she’s through to the next round. So is Osmond boy. 

Simon and Paula fight over someone who isn’t really worth fighting over. They always get in fights over people who aren’t worth fighting over. Choose your fights people!! 

I kind of want to make out with Adam Lambert, even though I’ve seen pictures of him in drag and even though we don’t even get to see him sing.

Tomorrow is group night. I don’t like assiness once the show gets underway, but since it’s Hollywood week, I hope there’s drama like there used to be. The worst thing that happened last season, is that somebody used pen on one of Cook’s Sudoku puzzle books and he muttered under his breath, but then made a joke out loud about it and everybody laughed and then went out for pizza and David Archuleta maybe ate one too many pieces and got a tummy ache.