Apparently everybody I know in the world is mad at me because last week my Facebook status was "I am so over Danny Gokey". Well, let me tell you why. He's got a bit of an "I'm better than you" attitude, topped with some douche sauce, and served with a side order of Dead Wife. I flinch every time I mention her in that context because its an awful situation and loved ones dying is like my biggest fear ever. If you even brought up the conversation, I'd stick my fingers in my ears and yell "LA LA LA!" Until you went away. But in this case, the feeling passes quickly. Even when I loved him during his audition, his "dead wife" speech was totally overly dramatic and maybe even a bit rehearsed. I overlooked it because he was cute and his voice was a cross between Fergie and Jesus. But then he rolled his eyes at Ryan and you don't disrespect The Seacrest in front of me and get away with it. Ask Brad and Angelina if I'll even babysit for them anymore. They will tell you no. I will not Also, if he wasn't in the top 12 then maybe Ricky Braddy would be. But he's not and I'm still sad about it. And also, I heard some shady things about Danny's church but I didn't care enough to remember them nor to further investigate.
But we are not about Danny Gokey tonight. We are about Adam, Nick, and Matt and the pain I feel knowing all three of them can't make it into the top 12 this week unless Adam performs as a girl.
And omg, Ryan is hot tonight. He’s wearing a brown polo, a watch (so he knows when to meet me for our after-Idol date), and jeans. I suppose he’s wearing shoes, because going barefoot and getting his feet dirty is not how Ryan rolls, but my eyes never make it that far.
Ryan asks Kara what the contestants have to do to stick around this week and she says they have to “bring it” and Ryan makes a face like suddenly everything is clear to him, even though Randy’s been saying the same thing every year. But I guess things sound different when it’s coming from a person who’s sitting next to Paula’s giant cleavage. I hope Alexis doesn’t wander too close to them and fall in.
Someone named Jasmine Murray is first. She’s singing ‘Love Song’ and it‘s bad from the get go. She isn’t singing it with the right kind of attitude. The song is about how a guy is saying he wants to hear how much this girl loves him but she doesn’t love him, so she’s not going to say it and she‘s definitely not going to say it just to make him leave. It’s not the mindset Jasmine is singing with. It doesn’t matter anyway, cause she’s not making it into the top 12. Randy calls it pitchy. Jasmine and Paula don’t like it. Simon says the same thing and then everybody boos him.
blozor636: Well thank goodness the first performer set the bar low.
Matt Giraurd, my future husband, is up next. It would be awesome if he sang ‘Love Song’ too, but he’s not, he’s singing ‘Viva La Vida’. I don’t think this was a great song choice. He’s pitchy all over the place. He didn’t blow Kara away, she says, and Paula talks about his instrument. Simon calls it “horrible” and Randy’s wearing a stupid sweater. Matt looks like he might cry and Ryan rushes to his defense because he‘s taken in by the dimples too. If the singing thing doesn’t work out, he can always just stand around and look pretty.
Next up is some girl we’ll probably never hear from again, so I don’t have much to say about her. She’s singing a Maroon 5 and dear Lord, I thought they had mentors! Did they get lost on the way to the studio this week? I am now tuning this out. Ryan and Randy compliment her on her legs. She loses what little respect of her I didn’t even have by practically begging the judges to lie and say the performance was better than it was. Then she puts her hand all up on Ryan’s chest and I fear anger boil in my chest like a beast.
As we go to commercial break, my future husband, Nick, does the Dr. Evil finger. Then Seacrest calls him “provocative” and I don’t think he really even knows what that word means. He’s singing the same song he’s been singing all season, “I Am Telling You’, laying on the floor in a white dress coat over the Norman outfit. He rips his coat off and this is the best performance ever, minus all the Cook/Clarkson/Aiken performances and that one time Constantine was awesome. It was goofy but absolutely wonderful. Simon prays he doesn’t go through to the next round and upsets Nick’s parents. He calls it “horrific comedy” and Nick calls Simon “sassy pants”. The rest of the judges love him, so I send them invitations to our wedding. But then Simon accuses Ryan of having gay love for Nick and Ryan says he feels the gay love between Nick and Simon. And then Paula gets drunk on all the gay love floating in the air and rambles something and makes some noise.
Allison is 16 and looks like she’s 34. She looks older than Ryan. He looks like a little boy on a field trip tonight. Her hair is crazy pink and when she talks, it’s kind of like if Paula and Kara had a baby and somehow taught it to talk. And then it went on American Idol and sang ‘Alone’. And on stage, she looks and sounds like Kelly Clarkson and Hannah Montana had a baby. Carrie Underwood might have sang it better, but this is still good. The judges love her and call her the best of the night. Her singing is good, she just shouldn’t be allowed to talk. Her and Ryan are almost the exact same size. I bet they could share shoes.
Kris Allen looks like a grown up version of Archie, but I don’t approve of that name being spelled with a K. He’s singing ‘Man In the Mirror’. It’s good. I don’t think he’s particularly memorable and I think he’ll fall to the same end as Ricky Braddy, where nobody remembers him because he didn’t get any screen time because of Tatiana and Nathaniel’s antics, but it was good. Paula uses the word “nailed” a bunch of time to describe him. Then she kisses Simon because he agrees with her that Kris was good. Then Simon mentions effin’ Danny Gokey and my head explodes. Also, Kris is even shorter than Ryan and that’s always funny because Ryan is nothing if not miniscule.
Next up is a girl with a full arm tattoo named Megan. Her voice is annoying and I had enough nightmares from Carly’s arm tattoo last year, I don’t need this! And if she has a husband with a tattoo on his face, I am so done. She’s singing ‘Put Your Records On’. I don’t know how I feel about this. I am unable to form an opinion. Paula likes her though and then Simon checks out Paula’s cleavage. Paula says she reminds her of Nelly Furtado, but I don’t know what to do with that information because I used to think Nelly Furtado and Nelly were the same person and I never bothered finding out any information about this Furtado. Ryan tries dancing and the judges tell him to stop and he threatens to do the ‘Cold Hearted Snake’ dance. This I’d like to see, because it was a pretty hot dance involving see thru clothing and some straddling.
Matt Breitzke, as you might recall, is a welder. He is singing ’The Way She Loves Me’ because he loves his wife and son. The judges didn’t really like. His voice was good, but it was a bad song choice. Ryan is the size of Matt’s arm. Like Matt could use Ryan’s body as a mustache comb. That is so weird.
Next is a single mom who’s name I did not catch. I am so over single moms.
Kauly Jo: ANOTHER single mom??
Kauly Jo: Idol just needs to start a daycare
She’s singing ‘Betty David Eyes’. Me and the judges all thought it was just “ok”.
Next up is Kai and he’s singing that “happiness is just an illusion” song. I love this song. He’s kind of a train wreck from the neck up, especially when he’s singing, but his voice is beauty. I got bored when the judges started talking and wandered off to you tube the new New Kids On The Block video for ‘2 In The Morning’. I want to wake up at 2 in the morning some day and just sing this song. Maybe I’ll sing it to my Seacrest poster. And yes, I have a Seacrest poster. I got it from his radio station. I wonder if they have new ones. But I’m afraid to ask.
Kai just tried to rape me with his face. HIS FACE!
Ew, Mishavonna is singing ‘Drops Of Jupiter’. I don’t know why I say ew. I like this song, I just don’t like when people sing it. And not because it’s a song I love so much I don’t want others touching it, I just don’t like the removal of the comforting voice of the lead singer of Train. I guess. I don’t know. I’m weird somehow. Also, she has a weird nose that I could see possibly giving me nightmares. Although, vocally she’s not bad. Better than most of the contestants tonight. Paula didn’t like it though. Simon feels cold and then the judges debate exactly what a drop of Jupiter is.
Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like Adam Lambert? I mean, really.. Don’t cha? He’s singing ‘Satisfaction’. Okay, see, this is what is supposed to be on this show. Instead of having someone awesome and a bunch of people who suck ass, there needs to be ALL AWESOME people. Can you imagine how fantastic this show would be if they could actually present us with more than 2 or 3 people out of 24 or 36 who can actually put on a good performance? But maybe if it was that fantastic, everybody’s heads would explode. That must be the reasoning. Anyway, he was awesome and Randy calls him DA BOMB.
So tomorrow I hope to see Adam, Nick, and the Kelly/Cyrus clone make it into the top 12. But Idol likes to break hearts and squash dreams.
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