Tonight, Ryan is wearing my favorite combination of suit and jeans. And it’s wonderful. THIS… is American Idol.
This theme song always makes me want to get up and dance. Even this creepy version. If I don’t watch, I don’t have to know it’s creepy. And then I can dance, dance, dance. But if I look at the screen? I know I’ll never dance again.
There were 24 million votes last night, only five of which were for Stevie Wright. I’m sorry, I’m just saying what’s true. Nothing against Stevie. Or maybe it’s the Carlson girl I’m thinking of. Yeah, it’s her. She’s the one.
Just a side note: Paula’s boobs are huge tonight. Also, Kara has always looked strangely familiar to me. Like maybe I went to high school with her. You know, if I was 40. She probably would have been one of those girls who made fun of me.
Ryan makes some innuendo joke about what happened between the judges after the show. Idol Judge Orgy or something, which you know Ryan would totally host. When Randy reprimands him for being dirty during a family show, he says he just meant dinner. They ate dinner together, nothing else.
Remember when Alexis had a baby and Michael worked on an oil rig? Remember when Tatiana was annoying and I wanted to kill her and myself all at once? Remember when Anoop had eyebrows that were huge? Well, if you don’t, we have a montage to remind you.
OMG, a medley!! I love medleys! Finally, Ryan has been reading my love letters and trying to make my dreams come true… except it’s a song I hate. It’s ’I’m Yours’. Vocally it’s alright, - though all the girls look exactly the same and Alexis’ outfit is a train wreck - but forgettable.
Remember when Jackie wore pants that gave me nightmares? Remember when Ricky Braddy and I were picking out engagement rings? Remember when Stevie looked like Angela from Bones? Remember when Stephen wanted to rock with us, but we just wanted him to forget the words and walk off stage again? Remember when that one guy was forgettable? I forget his name. Remember when Tatiana was saving all her love for me and I stuck my face in a pencil sharpener? Remember when Anoop channeled Monica and it was kind of weird for him to do that but I didn’t remark on it at the time? Remember when Nikki McKibbon changed her name to Alexis and sang on this show and she was compared to Kelly Clarkson and Kelly Clarkson’s head exploded? And remember when a hero lied in Danny’s dead wife? I’d feel bad saying that, but he’s beating it like a dead horse anyway, so I don’t.
Anoop starts to talk about how nervous he is, but his eyebrows grow massively out of control and smother his face. Then he dies and Danny sings a song about it. Tatiana talks about how humbled she is to be here and I think she’s just been watching old videos of David Cook and copying what he said. She has to learn every aspect of human behavior. Like autistic people do.
Ryan calls Casey to the stage. I don’t know about her cleavage. Cleavage on that level disturbs me. What also disturbs me is that the audience “awwwws” when Ryan tells her she is not in the top 12. He calls Stephen up next. They do a Black Guy Handshake and then the judges talk about how he wasn’t very good last night. He glares at Kara when she mentions how he forgot the lyrics that one time. He is not in the top 12.
Alexis is next, wearing a stupid hat. Her dad looks like a blonde Ozzy Osbourne. I hope he doesn’t grab Ryan in his giant clutches and bite his head off. And then suddenly, Alexis is in the top 12. For some reason, she sings her song again. At least it’s better than hearing Casey sing again, I guess.
blozor636: They're just trying to bring out the crazy in Tatiana.
blozor636: I swear to god they'll find everyone's butchered bodies and her covered in blood, huffing and holding a knife.
blozor636: Giggling hysterically and crying.
Ryan calls Ricky and Jackie to the stage. I like this Ricky. I know I said it yesterday, but I’m saying it again. I like this Ricky. But America does not. He is not in the top 12! I am done with you Idol! DONE!!
Okay, I’m back. I ate a Kit Kat to even out my blood sugar. I’m still not happy though.
Anoop and Michael are brought out. They have their arms around each other, which I like. Not in a gay love, kind of way, just because I like when these people can get along and support each other.
Another side note: Michael’s mom and wife look like sisters. But he’s from the south, so it’s likely.
And then, Michael is in the top 12. Then he sings about how he doesn’t want to be anything other than what he’s been trying to be lately. Which is a contestant on American Idol. He’s like 8 miles better tonight than he was yesterday. Even the back up singers are better than yesterday. Maybe they should do this show backwards. Eliminations on Tuesday, performances on Wednesday.
I miss Ricky already. Even though I suspect he’d miss me more if I were a dude. You know where I’m going with that.
OMG, David Cook and Kelly Clarkson in the same picture!! And then David Cook and Carrie Underwood sing a duet. This footage of the American Idol Experience Disney World thing is better than this episode has been. So much magic can happen sometimes with this show, and sometimes… you get tonight’s episode. Also, last night’s.
I blinked and Carly Smithson and Michael Johns are on stage and my brain freaked out because I thought I had traveled back in time. Michael is wearing a weird suit and something about Carly lost her hair on the flight. Whatever. I don’t know why she’s here. But Michael has a single coming out next week which I will surely illegally download. Whooo! They’re singing ‘The Letter’. I was wondering how they were going to fill this hour. I hoped it might be Seacrest stripping, but this is just as good. I mean, not just as good, but it’ll do. You should all know that I met Michael Johns in Chicago last year and humidity does magical things to his hair. And by “met”, I mean, we took a picture in which we are both making funny faces.
Ann Maries stands up. Brent stands up. Stevie stands up. They are all out. Which means it’s down to Tatiana and Danny. Tatiana looks like she might vomit and/or morph into a werewolf and destroy everyone. Danny’s wearing some ridiculous glasses. I can’t really describe them. They’re like a hybrid of 3D glasses and painters glasses. So I guess I can describe them.
Tatiana and Danny are standing like seven feet apart. She looks like she might fall apart at any second. Then she’s out and Danny is in. Ryan’s the only one who tries to comfort Tatiana when she gets cut. She’s not really having it though. A few girls half heartedly try to hug her, but they quickly try to get as far away as possible.
Kauly Jo: i want her to rip off danny's glasses like sandra bullock rips off miss rhode island's tiara in Miss Congeniality.
Next week: Matt, Adam, Nick (!) and a bunch of people I couldn’t care less about. This saddens me, because those three are my favorite and all three can’t make it into the top 12 unless Adam performs as a girl. I refuse to watch next week, Idol! I refuse!!
So, I guess I’ll see you guys next week.
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