I’m not supposed to be recapping on Thursday nights. My equilibrium is all thrown off! Damn you, Obama!!
The contestants are lined up in two rows along the stage and Ryan walks in between. You know he totally wants to stop and play London Bridges. He says, “What. Have. You. Done.” and stares straight at Nick. Him and the judges talk about something or other and I just don’t listen because ... I don't know why.
Remember when Matt was a welder and the other Matt dueled with pianos? And then people screamed and acted like idiots and Kai went to Hollywood and Adam is all pale and washed out and gets told he could be a winner? Remember there were a bunch of girls we don’t remember in Hollywood? And also, Nick Mitchell? It’s okay if you don’t, cause they show a montage that goes on forever.
The medley tonight is a Ne-yo song. Adam is David Cook levels of hot, Matt G. looks like someone I know but don’t know, Nick keeps his wonderful craziness reined in, and the girls are just sort of there. The whole song is basically sung by Adam and Matt G. so I guess we know who’s getting into the top 12. Nice way to be subtle, Idol. Nice. Although, this is actually NOT complete ass. Medleys were beautiful wonderful dreams during season 2, but after that they were the scariest things ever. I don’t know what to do with a medley that doesn’t completely suck.
Remember how Ryan looked like a little high school student, but still I wanted to do him? Remember how Simon was a sassy pants? Remember when Matt was a welder? Remember how we never found out what happens to the broken hearted? Remember how Nick was just messing around but was still better than like 83% of the contestants last night? And yeah I totally did the math to get that number. Wanna make something of it?
Remember that time I asked you if you wanted to make some of it? Remember how Jasmine refuse to write us a love song. Remember how I was driving home from work today listening to ‘Love Song’ and thinking about how if it was sung by a guy I’d be all like, “What an ass! Why doesn’t that guy just tell her he loves her. Jerk!” but since it’s sung by a girl I’m all like, “That guy sounds clingy and needy! How annoying!! I don‘t blame her for not loving him!”? Remember how Kelly Montana wanted to get us alone? Remember how Adam Lambert was so awesome my head exploded?
The Sister-in-law - “I like the one with the eyes.”
The Brother - “Which one with the eyes?”
The Sister-in-law - “The one with the eyes!!”
The Brother - “Which one! They all have eyes!”
The Sister-in-law - *points to Adam* “That one!”
I’m pretty sure I can see Ryan’s reflection in Matt The Welder’s bald head. They talk to Matt for like an hour and then ask somebody how hard song selection is and she says it’s sooooo hard. But ya know what? It’s not, really. I’m not even on this show and I’d make kick ass choices. All it takes is a little common sense and maybe asking Adam Lambert his opinion.
Alexis, Michael, and fucking DannyGokey are sitting in their drinking fountain stool standing behind three empty drinking fountain stools. And in case you were wondering, yes, DannyGokey is still wearing those glasses. You know what glasses I’m talking about.
roarimaraptor: omg!! what if i fall in love with danny gokey?
roarimaraptor: patti gokey would be the WORST NAME EVER
SweetyPi9897: omg it would be
SweetyPi9897: hahaha i could see you doing that though
roarimaraptor: and then i would probably die and he'd go on like celebrity apprentice or something and show pictures of us everyday
SweetyPi9897: hahahhahahahaahahahahahahahahha
SweetyPi9897: probably
roarimaraptor: i will never forgive myself if i love him
roarimaraptor: i will disown myself
SweetyPi9897: i'll disown you too
Kelly Montana is called to the stage first and then the same girl who thinks she knows something about song choices. Next brought down is Matt The Welder…. And Kelly Montana is in the top 12. She does another kick ass performance of ‘Alone’ and then we go to commercial.
Kris and Megan are brought to the stage together. I’m ignoring Megan’s tattoo, because I refuse to acknowledge the tattoo. Acknowledging it gives it power. And who knows what an evil tattoo would do with power. Kris is hot though. Wow. I like that looking at him shows us what Archie would look like if it were possible for him to ever grow into a man. Kris and Megan are pushed to the side and Matt G. and some girl who’s name I don’t know come to the stage. Ryan calls her “dude”, but I don’t think that’s her name. It doesn’t matter cause she’s out. Then Matt is out. Wait, what? This is wrong. This is so wrong! But Kris is hot. Simon crosses his arms and gets upset, but I don’t understand why because he didn’t really like any of them anyway. Kara talks for so long that Simon tells her to “take her time” and then they argue and then Ryan tells them both to shut up because he’s got results to deliver.
Megan and her tattoo is out. And Grown Archie is in the top 12. I miss Matt already, but Kris is beauty. And then he sings about the man in the mirror. But the thing is? HE’S the man in the mirror. That’s what this song is about.
Back from commercial, Ryan sits in the third drinking fountain stool which gives us a glimpse of what the top 12 would like if Ryan Seacrest was in it. And it is beautiful.
We are treated to Beautiful Clay, Simon and Paula kissing, Brokeback cowboys, people being stupid at auditions, dumb guy throwing water on Simon and staining his shirt. Geeky guy on stage, David Hasselhoff, Brittenums, that effin’ crying Sanjaya girl, Kellie Pickler, William Hung, Elliot’s Mom, crying Fantasia, crying Jordin Sparks, crying Carrie Underwood, crying Kelly Clarkson, crying David Cook, and sweaty Ruben Studdard.
The Mother - “Was that Kelly Clarkson?”
The Brother - “Pickler!”
Me - “How dare you mix the two up!!”
OMG! Brooke White is here!! I hope she messes up, stops, and starts over. She advises us never to google ourselves. Well, she advises the contestants that. If I google myself, I get pages that belong to people that aren’t even me. But if I google “Patti Seacrest”, I get a page that says “Ryan Seacrest called police over fears he has a stalker.” HAHAHA!! That is so awesome.
Anyway, back to Brooke. She’s singing a new song of hers and I love it. I love this Brooke!! She’s wearing giant hoop earrings prompting The Brother to say, “You know what they about hoops? The bigger the hoops, the bigger the ho.”
I totally forgot we were doing a results show. Ryan calls the remaining 5 contestants to the stage and has them line up and I wonder why we’re even bothering pretending it’s not Adam. Ryan walks past Nick without even looking at. Nick’s all like, “Hey.” but Ryan goes to the end of the line to Jasmine. Then everybody but Nick and Adam are out.
I think Nick and Adam should make out. Like a make out session to the death and whoever is left standing is in the top 12. This doesn’t happen, but as we go to commercial break, I’m almost positive the two of them and Ryan make out. And then after Ryan announces Adam is in the top 12, they all make out again. But still, Adam cannot get no satisfaction. I want to have his gay, gay babies. He’s so good it’s like this is the finale or something. It’s so weird. I almost feel it’s been a whole season already.
Next week, a bunch of people we’ve never heard of, plus Nathaniel and Scott.
The Brother - “I wanna see the blind guy.”
The Sister-in-law - “Who’s the blind guy?”
Me -“That guy. The one who’s dancing like he’s blind.”
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