Something just occurred to me. Idol is going to be on for a few Thursdays this month... What will happen to Bones?! I used to think the world should revolve around Idol, but not anymore! I have never hated you, Idol, but I hate you now!
....I take back what I said earlier about Idol. I don't hate my beloved Idol and the world should revolve around it. I apologize. I was speaking out of extreme duress. I'm moving, I have an English paper I'm struggling to write, algebra is hard, and I suspect Clay Aiken still has a bad haircut. Also, David Cook's touring colleges and a lot of the ticket sales are students only and even if they're not, they're sold out and people are selling them for 75 bucks on Ebay. Its not right! But it’s okay. You know why? Cause THIS… is American Idol.
I always dance when the theme song comes on.
The contestants are all taken to The Judges Mansion, which is a large house with a yard that greatly resembles Ryan’s own yard. But the house is effin’ huge.
I should mention that Ryan looks DAMN good. He takes the walk of shame the contestants will take which starts from leads into a room where the judges are all sitting on chairs that are like the couch from The Big Comfy Couch, only they are chairs. If Ryan sat in one, you almost wouldn’t be able to see him.While I’m contemplating that, Anoop gets into the top 36. I totally missed it. It must have been uneventful.
Von Smith is next and nervous. He talks too much instead of just sitting there like a good little boy and wait to be told yay or nay. Von is in and he cries and then Ryan cuddles his crying mom. I love Ryan. I wish that every time I cried, he was there.
Cody is cool cause he’s an amateur horror film maker, which is rad. I’m afraid he might become a pretentious type though. The judges put him on the spot and make him sing. He chooses a song I do not know and does nervously with it. They bring Alex in and the surprise is that they’re having a sing off. Alex and Cody hug each other and cry and weep and hold each other and it’s quite sweet. Then Alex throws up while singing ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me’. Alex was marginally better but I like both.
Alex and Cody wait on a big comfy couch with Ryan and they all braid each other’s hair and talk about who will win the sing off and who won’t. Also, they talk about last week’s episode of Gilmore Girls. Then they’re called back into the judges room... And Cody is out. They walk out of the room with their arms around each other and I feel like crying. Then Alex cries and Cody cries and says he will vote for Alex. Then they make out and have gay sex for the first time on the stairs.
See, I like people who can get along and be friends and support each other. Alex obviously feels bad that Cody is leaving and Cody is being gracious about his loss. No need to be ass clowns.
Adam Lambert is called into the judges room like there’s a possibility he won’t make it into the top 36. Why don’t we just send him, Danny, and Scott out for pizza while we jerk everyone else around. See the thing about Adam is… you know he’s been in drag, right? But when he’s here, just dressed as himself, he still looks like he’s dressed in drag. It’s not an insult. In fact, it’s awesome. I’m just saying. That’s the vibe I get from Adam. That he’s a guy in drag as a guy and that doesn’t even make sense, but it totally works. I’d totally make out.
Simon’s all “It’s not good news… it’s GREAT news!”
This is really hard to recap, I must say. But that’s what these are for:
Kauly Jo: simon is such a tease. can you imagine what it would be like if it were possible for him to come home and tell you he was pregnant?
Kauly Jo: it would be like the best moment EVER
Kauly Jo: i'm going to start praying for pregnant men JUST for that reason
Taylor is someone we’ve never heard of. Or just don’t remember, because she’s not remember able. Except for sucking during Hollywood week, which we didn‘t even get to see at the time. But they’re showing it now and that’s what’s important.
She comes into The Judges Room and sits in the Jester’s Chair and talks about how she forgot the words in Hollywood. Hey, at least she’s owning up. Randy welcomes her into Season 8.
Then a bunch of other people we don’t remember and probably don’t care about are through.
Joanna Pacitti… she keeps wiping away the pre-emptive tears from her over mascara’d eyes. She talks about how there’s a “time for everything” and the judges jerk her around so that they can see her mascara smear and clump up all over her face so she’ll be so embarrassed when this finally airs. Which… would actually be right now.
‘What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted’ is one of my best songs ever. By best, I mean favorite, but best sounds like a Paula word, so in the spirit of this show, I’m going to use it.
Some people who may or may not have just shown up today are cut. Then some people who may or may not have just shown up today are through.
Two girls who I don’t remember, nor can I muster up any care for, have to sing off with each other. This is not as exciting as when those first two girls sang off. What were there names? Cody and Alex, right? Yeah. I don’t even care enough to pay attention.
One of the girls sings ‘I’m Not Ready To Make Nice’ and the other sang… something else. I don’t remember. Then they are sent out to The Couch. Ryan doesn’t join the two of them on The Couch this time, cause girls aren’t as fun as gay boys. Back in The Judges Room, Simon’s like “Do you want to keep the hot one or the one who’s not hot?” And Kara suggests they forego singing altogether and just get a bunch of models. Randy agrees before realizing she’s being sarcastic.
Either the hot girl or the not hot girl didn’t connect with her song. And the other one has an identity crisis. So I guess that’s the “not hot” one. They tell her she doesn’t dress right… this is so wrong. Let her dress the way she wants. Or let the stylists have their way at her. Quit picking on her. But she’s through to the top 36 anyway. Simon’s very vocally pissed about it. That’s kind of mean.
Alexis is the girl who I thought was raising a baby on her own because her husband was in the army, but t turned out he’s only her boyfriend and he’s just in military school. HAHAHAHAHA!! I have no sympathy for any of this nonsense. Call me cold hearted. She’s in.
Wouldn’t it be funny if Scott got lost on the way to The Judges Room and ended up in a room with like severed heads or something on the wall? Only, he wouldn’t even know it. But somebody would tell him and you know that shit would freak him out for years to come. Sitting in The Judges Chair, his hair is a bunch of different levels of crazy. His hair is the Nathaniel of hairs. He’s in and his mom cries and everybody‘s happy.
Lil Rounds annoys me. They jerk her around and then tell her she’s going through. Fine! Let her through! But she won’t win!! Ryan and Lil high five and then move in slow motion. Ryan is HOT in slow motion. I could watch hours of the Slow Motion Ryan Show.
Girl I Don’t Know A is out, Girl I Don’t Know B is out, and Girl I Don’t Know C is out. They should have just brought all three of them in and told them at once and saved us three minutes time.
roarimaraptor: i'm tired of all these people with babies
roarimaraptor: remember when the idols never had kids?
roarimaraptor: they were all YEARS from having kids
Kauly Jo: damn fantasia
roarimaraptor: the people from season 1 STILL don't have kids
Kauly Jo: not true
Kauly Jo: nikki mckibbin
roarimaraptor: she was a whore, that doesn't count
Kauly Jo: haha
Kauly Jo: and an alchy
roarimaraptor: and a stripper
Kauly Jo: and a coker
Kauly Jo: she gave Idol a bad name
Kauly Jo: she opened the doors for Corey Clark
Kauly Jo: the Brittenum twins
roarimaraptor: Scott Savol
While I was having that conversation, two girls had a sing off. One was cut, the other wasn’t. Simon was all, “You wouldn’t have won anyway.”
I hate this episode, it’s boring. Nothing but tears and Danny Gokey hugging everybody. That says a lot about him, I think. The fact that everybody has hugged him shows he probably a pretty decent guy. Do you see anybody hugging Tatiana? No. They don’t want to catch her crazy.
I’d be pissed if they made me walk all those stairs just to tell me I was going home anyway. A-holes.
I can’t get over how fascinating Ryan looks tonight.
Danny is called into The Judges Room. He looks like he might throw up. He modestly admits he did the best he could, but knows there’s always room for improvement. I love him. I mean, he can’t compete with my Seacrest love or my David Cook love. He’s in!! ‘Best Day’ plays as he runs down the hall screaming and hugging Jamal, and then crying. I hope this song is the good-bye song this year. After commercial break, we learn that Jamal is going home. He looks like he was punched in the stomach, but he’s totally gracious anyway. Danny is more shocked than anybody and this is probably tearing at the still healing stitches from his wife death. Damn you, Idol! His best friend’s wife just died!! Danny and Jamal do secret handshakes in slow motion.
A bunch of virtual strangers get in. Then Stephen, the guy who screwed up a Cook song during Hollywood week and pulled a Brooke White. He tries to excuse that, but Simon’s all, “You shouldn’t have fucked up, bitch… but you’re in the top 36 anyway.”
Nick Normund Gentle Mitchell!! He’s what I live for this season. And if he’s not in the top 36, I swear to God, I will not watch the show this season! Mark my words!!
The Brother - “I think he should go home.”
Me - “Get out of my house!”
The judges sort of tear him down for being goofy. He explains that his two loves are singing and making people laugh, and the judges are so thrown off by him being normal they just don’t know what to do. So they tell him he’s in. Nick is happy and cries and hugs Simon and a party is thrown on my couch. And I’m the only one invited. And Nick. Me and Nick. And Seacrest too.
Jackie is called to the Jester’s Chair and she’s in. I like her. Probably the only girl I like so far. She cries about how cool it is that she’ll make her parents proud. I love her, I think.
Oh God. From now on I’m calling Tatiana by her last name. Del Toro talks about sleeping with a bunch of guys, I think, but I was too busy typing out her last name to hear it. As I said before, she’s cute and she’s got a nice voice, but she’s just effin’ insane. She screams when she enters the Judges Room and Simon says, “She’s annoying me.” the second she opens her mouth. They tell her to stop being annoying and then she admits she stole a bracelet from Paula because God told her to. Then Paula proposes to her with a ring and then they run off and get married… Yeah, I have no idea either. Something’s going on, but I don’t know what. OH MY GOD… she’s in the top 36? How the H to the E to the double L did this happen?! Where’s Seacrest?! I need him to hold me! Troubled times like this need a Seacrest.
Del Toro runs all over the mansion screaming “OH MY GOD!”, then she rapes Seacrest in the hallway and scares little Nathaniel with her screaming.
I don’t know who the hell this guy is, but he’s cute, and he sings ‘When A Man Loves A Woman’. He’s good. Why haven’t we seen him before now? Oh yeah, I forgot, the first few episodes are for ass clowns.
Kara wonders why he’s even singing for his life since he’s so good. His sing-off partner is Nathaniel. - or “Nathan” - who has lived with every person he’s ever been related to in his life because his mom is a druggy and a jailbird and apparently nobody can handle his craziness except his grandma. His hair is insane, he’s wearing a few different headbands and a scarf that Michael Johns left behind last season. He sings ’I’m Already There’. I can’t say who’s better. I like Nathaniel when he’s not drama-queening it up.
The two boys sit with Ryan and there’s lots of tears about how they both want to get in but they both want the other to get in to. Ryan’s not even paying attention because he’s thinking about the manicure appointment he has later after this charade is done.
And the winner is….. NATHANIEL!!!
Oh my God, I’m excited about that. Ew… Meh, I guess he’s grown on me. He’ll be Danny Noriega all over again though, you know it.
Unknown girl is in. Unknown guy is in. A girl who looks just like Kara is in. Unknown guy is in.
Blozor636” *link to Del Toro’s Myspace*
roarimaraptor: ew
roarimaraptor: my computer has herpes now
blozor636: Crazy herpes.
blozor636: You give them herpes mediction and they scream and cry.
Welder versus Oil Rig Man. How convenient. This was like when it was Bo versus Constantine, the only two rockers that year. But they both got in. Such will not be the case here. Weldie sings a song I do not know about not being noticed. Oilie sings a song about waking up in the morning. He’s got a much better voice, and if you forced me to pick I’d choose him, but I kind of don’t care either way.
Oilie and Weldie sit together on The Couch of Doom with Ryan. They probably try to discuss manly things like welding and oil rigs, but Ryan steers the topics to safer things. To what, we don’t know, because there is no sound. Just slow motion video of them and dramatic music.
They sit side-by-side in side-by-side chairs and are told that… they are both in. And then Daughtry asks, “What about now?”
Weldie picks up Ryan and hugs him and probably bruises at least half of his ribs.
Then a stupid song plays and all 36 of them dance like idiots. I hate this part. Nobody who you are you look like an asshat. Unless you’re Del Toro. Then you look like an asshat with wind blowing your hair.
PS. My brother wants everybody to know that he loves Nathaniel. He wants me to say that I agree that Nathaniel will win, but this would be a lie.
That would be the most awesome thing ever! Crazy Penis for the win!
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