It should be dually noted that I moved in with my brother this weekend and since my new home is a mad house, I am watching Idol from a chilly garage. What kind of a pre-wife would I be for Seacrest if I didn’t suffer like this for him? But enough about that. THIS is American Idol. Ryan walks down the stairs, past the contestants, looking seven different kinds of delicious. Maybe even more than seven, but I can’t count with the sudden distractedness of the crazy opening theme. The “being sucked into a vortex” is even stronger with this one than it was last year.
I kind of like Kara now, but she still acts semi-obnoxious as Ryan introduces the judges. Somebody gives somebody bunny ears, because we are in pre school. Simon’s hair has been cut, Ryan’s hair has thickened, and Paula has darker skin than ever. On second thought, everybody has darker skin. Did they all go tanning before the show? Did Ryan take them all to his favorite salon? Simon accuses Ryan of copying his hair like in “Single White Female”.
Jackie is up first. I like her, she’s funny. She’s singing ’A Little Less Conversation’. She’s jazzed it up which is just kind of annoying. But she’s one of the only girls I can stand so far, so it’s ok. Randy calls her a good entertainer. Kara’s all like, “Girl!! Oh my god, Girl! Girl!!” I think she forgot she’s white. Paula mutters something about something and Simon tells her she sucked and nobody will like her and blew it all.
Back in the red room, Jackie calls Ryan “dude”. and then “man”. She’s totally hippy.
I have never seen this Ricky Braddy. My eyes like. My ears also like his speaking voice. Which is echoing weirdly in the studio. Ryan looks a little itchy about it. But he hasn’t gotten the show in on time in over a year, so he has no place to talk about things not going right. He’s singing a pretty love song that I do not know. I think I’m in love. He looks like if David Cook and David Cook’s younger brother had a baby together and it had eyelashes that went on forever. And wore an ugly velvet coat. Randy calls him “the start of season 8”, but he said basically the same thing about Jackie and I bet he’ll say the same thing to everybody else tonight. Kara talks so loud into her mic that we get icky feedback. Then I swear I see tears on her face. But I do not mock, because Ricky is capable of causing tears. Simon thought it was good but says doesn’t have the charisma or confidence to win.
Back in the red room, Ricky’s parents are named Ricky and Vickie. They’re wearing shirts that say “The Braddy Bunch”. Oh God. They’ve almost ruined him for me…but they’re kind of cute. His whole family is cute. I bet he has an adorable little sister.
Alexis reminds me of that skanky girl from season 1 who had a kid. Nikki McKibbon? Is that a name? I don’t know. You know who I’m talking about. The stripper. Except Alexis can sing much better. Everything is so jazzy tonight. It’s annoying. Randy has seven heart attacks, Kara makes a genie coming out of a bottle joke, Paula call her young and tender even though she’s four years older than the last 2 winners before David Cook. Then she cries about how something large is inside Alexis and things get real quiet and awkward in the studio. Simon calls her the best so far. Yawn. Simon compares her to Kelly Clarkson and I stab her, cause you just don’t go there!
Everything in the studio gets screwy and they mess up Brent Keith’s video, so Ryan walks him down the stage to waste time before they can fix things. Then they play his video, which highlights Kara and Simon having a lover’s quarrel. He’s singing a song called ‘Hick Town’. I like country music, but even I don’t like this. Simon will hate it. It’s not bad, it’s just boring. Even my foot fell asleep. Paula’s wearing giant stars everywhere. That’s all I really got out of this portion of the show. I’m not even sure what the judges said cause all I saw were giant stars.
Stevie Wright is up next. She’s the girl who looks like Angela from Bones. I kind of like the song she‘s singing but vocally she sucks ass. When I look at her, all I can see is Angela from Bones and I think about how her and Hodgins broke up and then she went lesbian. Randy calls it “not hot” and “safe” . Kara says she has an identity crisis. What if she said, “I’ll show you an identity crisis!” and then unzips her face and Taylor Swift steps out? That’d be awesome. Paula and Simon both tell her she sucked ass. And that she never should have dumped Hodgins for a chick.
Anoop Desai is up next. Or Anoopey if you’re Simon. He’s singing ‘Angel Of Mine’. Boring. But Paula stands up and cheers. Randy says “dawg” and “what” and “mad love” a million times. Then he calls him sharp. Kara gets all Paula and says , “It’s a hard song to sing that song.” but nobody really notices. But that’s what I’m here for. Paula lies to Anoop that America has already connected to him. How does she know that? She doesn’t know that. Don’t lie to him. Then she calls him Anoop Dog and I vomit on my laptop.
Back in the red room, Ryan looks hypnotized by Anoop’s giant eyebrows. And speaking of giant, Ryan’s feet look huge today.
Casey Carlson is up next. Didn’t we see her already tonight? Hmmm. I guess not. She’s singing ‘Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic’. I don’t particularly approve of regenderizing songs to suit you… especially when you’re mucking it up vocally anyway. Even Constantine sang this song better and he was killed by Nickelback. She’s wearing Amy Winehouse’s hair which makes this all the more worse.
blozor636: Those background singers are letting out the moans of this song's death.
Randy calls it “weird” and “karaoke”, Kara says everybody about it was wrong and then her and Randy sing about it, Paula says it didn’t work, and Simon calls it “Atrocious” . Ryan looks so tiny surrounded by all the people back in the red room. Casey’s mom tells her how proud she is of her and Casey’s all, “God, mom, embarrassing!”
Ryan calls Michael Sarver his twin, and a good laugh is had by all. He’s singing ‘I Don’t Wanna Be’. I feel like I’m in a time machine. I don’t know why, but that’s the feeling I’m getting tonight. Maybe it’s because of this whole reverting back to the way seasons 1 thru 3 were done. Maybe it’s Michael’s shirt. The judges thought it was just sort of okay. Ryan compliments Michael’s wife on her pretty shirt and then they talk about clothes for a little while until they remember that Michael is there and that they need to give out the number. Ryan’s like the size of one of Michael’s fingers. Maybe the middle one.
Ann Marie is singing ‘Natural Woman’. I remember when Kelly Clarkson sang this and it was magical. The only thing magical about this now is that Ann Marie’s dress is someone holding itself up with nothing but her cleavage to hold on to. The judges rip on her song choice and then a lot of nonsense is said for a long time, until Simon finally speaks English and tells her the song was just too big for her.
I missed what happened in the red room because I was IMed this:
blozor636: I think Nick Mitchell should come out sometime and perform "Opposites Attract."
Best. Performance. Ever. I can guarantee it now.
Stephen Fowler promises not to forget the words this time. It’d be so funny if he forgot the words again. I have no interest in this guy, so I hope he does. It’ll be fun! He’s singing ‘I Wanna Rock With You’. He doesn’t forget the words, but he doesn’t really entertain either. I’m gonna go make some mac and cheese.
It’s actually mac and cheese wheels.
You know how some mathematicians have lost their minds trying to figure out Pi? That’s me with Tatiana. The square root of her craziness divided by my patience squared equals my head exploding. That’s real math.
She’s singing ‘Saving All My Love For You’. It’s very good, but all I can see when I look at her are flashes of crazy. And the flashes of crazy give me hot flashes. And not the good ones that I get when I look at David Cook, but like the bad, early menopausal ones. Randy says like 80 words and only about 8 of them actually form a complete sentence. But that’s what happens when confronted with crazy who can sing. Kara says something crazy, and then Paula’s eyes get all crossed as she talks. I wonder if fumes of craziness are leaking out of her pores and floating through the air like carbon monoxide. Simon calls her a drama queen, desperate to be famous. Simon is always the wise one here. The judges encourage her to act crazy again and Ryan pulls out a gun and shoots them all. On her way into the red room, Tatiana kisses my new husband Ricky on the cheek. She talks crazy to Ryan and Ryan’s all like, “We don’t have time for this.” But in a nice way. Cause he is a nice boy.
But then she touches Ryan’s biceps and makes him extremely uncomfortable. Because either a) He’s afraid being crazy is transmitted by touch. Or b) Doesn’t want to be seen cheating on me. He is a nice boy.
Kauly Jo: ryan's got more affection from girls this year than any other season
Kauly Jo: usually he's just loved on by velvet teddy bears and their brothers
DANNY GOKEY!! I want to marry him too. He’s singing Mariah Carey’s ‘Hero’. I wonder if it’s really healthy for him to be thrown into this lifestyle so soon after losing his wife. Bad things happen if people don’t properly grieve. Watch Reign Over Me if you don’t believe me. This is so good we should have just sent the other 11 people home and then just let Danny sing songs for two hours. I’d vote for that. The judges argue over whether it was good or great. Ryan makes an “organ” joke, but then changes the subject before Simon can make it dirty.
My guesses for the top 3 are: Danny, Ricky, and either Alexis or… *gulps* Tatiana.
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