I realized today that if No Doubt were fronted by Avril Lavigne rather than Gwen Stefani, you’d get Katy Perry. Look into. You’ll see I’m right.
THIS is American Idol!
Ryan is wearing a tie clip again because he said on his Twitter the other day that he is “bringing tie clips back”. The contestants are lined up stupidly on the stage and I refuse to discuss it. I also refuse to discuss the judges intro because it’s stupid. Except Randy and Kara are holding hands as are Simon and Paula. Ryan comes down solo, holding the hands of no one. But I’d hold them if he asked.
Randy calls Ryan “dude” and says the competition is getting tougher, but really, it’s not. Adam is going to be in the finale, no doubt about it and the judges save was enacted just to ensure that DannyGokey never leaves, ever. Simon calls Ryan amazing.
The theme is top 100 downloaded songs on iTunes this week. We see montage footage of Ryan recording one of his awesome radio shows that I never actually listen to because a fan only has so much time in the day and Ryan makes me exceed that limit. My love has bounds, ya know. The Idols are in the studio with him, talking about excited they are to be picking more current songs. Then they leave and it’s back to the present.
Anoop is first singing some song by Usher. I tried googling it, but he’s mumbling the words like he doesn’t even know them and is trying to fool us like when David Cook sang ‘Hungry Like The Wolf’ last year. The stage lights are green and… it just sucks. It all sucks. He’s got four or five obnoxious friends in the audience yelling and acting like their names are Danny. Randy didn’t like it, but he uses a lot of words to get to that. Kara is doing the massive cleavage thing that always makes me nervous and she thinks the performance looked like some frat boys - ha! Obnoxious friends in the audience - dared him to sing it. Paula wants him to be good next time. And Simon thought the whole thing was horrid and it gave him a headache. Agreed, Simon. Agreed. Anoop mutters that he’s trying to define himself as an artist by singing one of the most popular artists around. First of all, that was like 4 years ago. Second of all, you’re not defining anything. So just stand there and look nice, stop talking. Get off the stage before Seacrest smacks you.
Patti: seacrest needs to start smacking people
Shrewlaura: That should be his job. Smack the uppity contestants. He'd need a step stool or something though.
Patti: or a long stick
Shrewlaura: That'd be funny. He could walk around smacking his palm with it in a menacing way.
Megan is singing something about giving some love. But not just any love. But good, good love. Also, she’s wearing like 18 necklaces and she still has the same tattoo. She’s doing that same stupid vibrato that made me hate Carmen Rasmussen.
Patti: why is everybody cheering?!!
Patti: is it cause she stopped?
Shrewlaura: I cheered when she stopped.
Kara says she’s in trouble and the audience boos like it isn’t true. She calls her voice “irritating” and the audience boos some more like it still isn’t true. Paula’s wearing a dress where the top stops just below her nipples and she had to yank it up and hold it with her armpits closed tight to keep from flashing everyone. Simon tells her that everything they liked about her is disappearing, like she’s Michael J. Fox and his siblings in that photograph in Back To The Future. I don’t like her, but the judges just keep ripping her a new one and I feel bad. Stop!! And Megan, stop thinking you have fans.
On the way to commercial break, Danny and Allison fake-fight over a microphone. What kind of a grown man fights with a child over a microphone?
Ryan and DannyGokey are sitting on the stools discussing his song choice of ‘What Hurts The Most’ and Ryan gives him the opportunity to make excuses for sucking last week.
Me - “No! I love this song!”
The Brother - “Ha! He sings all the songs you love!”
Me - “I hate him so much!”
I won’t call it horrible, and it’s certainly emotional, but obviously Danny hit his plateau during group night in Hollywood. Remember that? That was awesome. He’s failed to be any kind of awesome since then. What hurts the most tonight are my ears. There’s a sign in the audience that says “Chicago loves Danny” which makes me want to move. Paula swoons all over his performance. Simon calls it his best performance. Agreed, I guess. But it’s been a long way since that group night in Hollywood. Simon freaks out about how much better he was than the two before him, but they sucked ass, so that’s not really saying anything. Kara says that he moved everybody in the audience tonight. Maybe their bowels.
Allison is singing ’Don’t Speak’ which is so weird since I mentioned No Doubt at the beginning of this recap. Her hair is what I call “Kimberly Caldwell hair”. But Allison is young, she doesn’t know any better. She’s wearing a dress that looks like a giant harmonica though, and that she has to take the blame for. Also, this is awesome, and she’s playing guitar. Or banjo. Something with strings.
Shrewlaura: Did Allison cut that directly off Caldwell's head and that's why it's red now?
Patti: i think so
Patti: have you seen that movie where caldwell was cut in half?
Pattii: that was awesome
Randy’s all “check it out check it out yo”. He says she rushed it a bit, but vocally it was good. Then they laugh at her ridiculous outfit for a little bit which is always fun. Kara calls it “good, but not her best”. Paula stumbles over some big words which eventually leads to saying she thinks Allison could possibly win. Then they laugh at her outfit some more. Simon though it was precocious and shouty, so everybody boos. Then when they go to commercial, I laugh at her outfit some more.
Scott is singing ‘Just The Way You Are’ by Billy Joel.
Me - “You’re boring Scott…. GASP!! *hand over mouth* How dare I!! He’s blind!!”
The Brother - “HAHAHAHAHA! You should have seen your face! It was priceless!”
He sounds as lovely as he always does, maybe even better. And somebody finally either brushed his hair or taught him how to use a comb.
Blozor636: He looks like Billy Joel's mom had a kid with George Michael's dad, and they gave him Kirk Cameron's haircut.
Kara fawns over him, Paula is very much proud of him and not because of his “challenge”. Simon loved it and calls Paula “madame” and says he’s glad Scott didn’t listen to her when she said to lose the piano and then she insists that she never told him to lose the piano. Randy starts yelling “One of the best of the night!!“ over and over again because nobody is listening even though it’s true.
Matt and his undying forehead pimple are on the stools with Ryan talking about song choices. Tonight, he has chosen ‘You Found Me’ which is not a bad song, but it’s sort of a boring song. Matt calls it “powerful” though. He’s playing a keyboard that is surrounded by girls. Matt actually makes this a lot less boring than The Fray does. I liked it, but Paula doesn’t. She calls it a “sound-a-like” and compares it to that horrid Coldplay song he did a few weeks back. The sheep boo. Simon didn’t “get it at all”. He thinks Matt is conforming himself to sound like other people in hopes of staying in the competition. I want to make out with Matt to turn his frown upside down. Randy and Simon shout out “Apologize” a million times because it would have been a better song choice and I’ve been saying that all along. That or Mad by Ne-yo would have been my choice
Here’s the thing about Matt though. He uses that line that he “wants to prove he can sing more than one song style”. How about you do what, like David Cook for example did? You sing what you would sing if you had the chance to put out an album. Not “I’ll sing whatever you put in my mouth.” because that doesn’t make you an individual artist. It makes you a pawn. I take back what I said about wanting to make out.
I forgot Lil existed again!! She’s singing ‘I Surrender’. Kelly Clarkson sang this so much better. A-Fed sang it too. I wouldn’t call his performance better vocally… but I found it more entertaining than Kelly’s which is saying a lot for me. I liked both better than this is what I‘m getting at. The judges liked it but didn’t like it. I think we should make it all go away. Just set Lil free.
Ryan torments Lil’s cute little daughters in the audience but they have nothing to say to him. Ryan offers them to go punch Randy for being mean to mom. The older ones refuses, but the younger accepts. But a punch somehow turns into a hug.
Back from commercial break, Ryan is sitting in Randy’s lap and hugging him. HA!!
Adam is singing ‘Play That Funky Music’. He’s still got that scary Elvis hair, but I like the performance. It makes me want to get up and play some funky music and I’m not even a white boy!
Paula says, “True genius does not fulfill expectations. True genius shatters it.” Then she compares him to Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler. The judges all love him basically. Adam throws props to the band which is so David Cook that it’s awesome.
Kris is awesome. Kris is so much better than Danny. I don’t know how people can even fuss over DannyGokey when Kris Allen is here singing ‘Ain’t No Sunshine’ behind his gorgeous piano, wearing his gorgeous jeans. Randy uses the words “slay” and “in the zone” and “loving you!”. Kara says “That.Is.Artistry.” The rest of the judges love him too.
You know what the finale should be? Kris verses Allison. Or either one versus Adam. Nobody this season is a Kelly or a Clay or a Carrie or a David, so it‘s just sort of like we‘re going through the motions. But that would probably be one of the better finales we could get.
I’m as shocked as all of you are that the show actually came in 4 minutes under today instead of running over like it always does.
Bottom three tomorrow? Anoop, Megan, and Matt. Who goes home tomorrow? Megan.
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