The Brother - “Remember that time we were driving and you thought you saw Kevin Federline so you hid your ovaries under the seat?”
True story.
THIS is American Idol. Or as I like to call it, “Giant Idol Heads On A Giant Screen Scaring Small Children. Also, Yours Truly.”
I’m still waiting for one of the judges to trip on the stage during this big show of making them walk across the stage to their seats.
Remember the shocking, only not-so-shocking elimination of Alexis last week? It’s okay if you didn’t, because Seacrest reminds us. Then the judges reminisce about how Alexis was such a good singer but she just couldn’t sing good on this very show here where that very thing matters.
This week is the 50th anniversary of Motown music. I don’t care so I won’t recap the montage. It’s lots of music stuff. Jackson 5, Smokey Robinson. Then the Idols flew to a place where Smokey Robinson hugs them and Scott pretends he can tell what Smokey looks like. Then they walk around and look at Motown records on the wall and other supposedly fantastic things.
Kauly Jo: is it cruel to take scott on a sight-seeing tour?
Back in LA, Smokey is the mentor. I hope he doesn’t teach them to smoke!!!
I’m sorry that was a lame joke. My head hurts from schoolwork. I keep trying to edit out my contractions because I’ve been working on an English paper that requires I don’t use any. It hurts my head to reverse from formal writing to the colloquial style I’m used to in these recaps.
Matt is going to get us all pregnant via sound waves by singing ‘Let’s Get It On’. You know what I have the sudden urge to do? Get it on with Matt. There’s nothing wrong with giving yourself to him. Except that thing in the middle of his forehead is even bigger than it was last week. I swear tonight it has a face. But can you can imagine if Constantine sang this song? I can already feel the alien baby he’d impregnate me with bursting it’s way out of my chest, because that’s just like a Constantine baby to leave the sanctity of the birth canal. Anyway, Randy is happy about this performance. Kara likes that Matt is coming out of his shell. Everybody likes that he is growing and could possibly remove DannyGokey from his front runner position.
Smokey turns into a giggling school-girl in the presence of Kris and his guitar and his prison-guard-at-a-concentration camp shirt. He’s singing ‘How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You’. He sounds good and looks delicious, but I’m not overjoyed by it. The judges all agree.
Scott is wearing a hideous combination of clothing. I mean, I think it’s lovely because we’re engaged to be married, but my God. Pink pants and a paisley shirt. Who dressed him? Oh… he’s blind. I get it. Alright. Nevermind. We’ll let that one ride. He’s singing a song I love that we know as ‘You Can’t Hurry Love’ even though I prefer the Phil Collins version to the Motown version by artist unknown. It starts slow, piano only and it’s very lovely. I hope he sings this at our wedding. The song picks up and then back-up singers surround the piano. Paula thought it was awesome, Simon hated it and the back-up singers. Randy and his ugly sweater agrees with Simon and calls it very “hotel”. Which means Randy thinks Scott is like the mom on The Suite Life. The judges argue forever over whether Scott should sing fast or slow songs. Paula’s not even wearing a shirt so she shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Paula - “I’ve got something for Simon. *crawls under table*”
Ryan - “We’re not allowed to show that.”
Ha! But she just pulls out crayons and a coloring book and calls him a 6-year old.
Scott says that he didn’t know until ten minutes before going on stage that his pants were a hideous shade of pink. You know who I blame for this? DannyGokey.
Back from commercial, Paula and Simon are coloring and Ryan yells at them for not staying inside the lines. He asks what else is under the table and Paula says something is under her skirt and Ryan panics and sends us to Arm Tattoos video package. What is happening to this show? Kara is a bad influence!!
Back from the video package, coloring supplies are gone and the judges look like they had been reprimanded. And then Arm Tattoo is singing and I want someone reprimanded for that. Even my mom thinks it’s bad and this is a woman who fawned over Kristy Lee Cook all last season.
Kauly Jo: her voice is annoying already
Kauly Jo: it's like that car alarm that you want to go smash to pieces
Randy calls it “bizarre” and tries to use technical music words and then gives up and calls it “mad, crazy”. Kara’s wearing a curtain I used to have on my bedroom window. The rest of the judges all think it was a horrible song, horribly done, and horribly arranged.
Anoop is singing ‘Ooh Baby Baby’. I hope those are the only words and that he forgets them, cause that would be awesome! But there are more words. Hmmm.
I don't get the point of decaf coffee. Also, Anoop. I mean, seriously, I just don't see what the fuss is.
I mean, I’m not deaf, I hear the lovely voice. But… I don’t know. I wouldn’t pay to hear it and I wouldn’t pay to see him in concert. Although I do plan on going to the tour this summer, so I guess I will partially be paying to hear him. But I haven’t decided yet who’s performances I will go to the bathroom during.
Kara stares him down because she loves him so much. The rest of the judges agree, except Simon thought it was kind of boring.
roarimaraptor: gasp!! if anoop was white, he'd look just like that security boy who never called me!!
JuleahFaye: OMG that's where your irrational dislike comes from!!!!!!
roarimaraptor: OMG!
roarimaraptor: it all makes sense now!!
roarimaraptor: if i meet him over the summer, i hope i don't yell at him about why he never called me
Halfway mark!! I always complain about this show being 2 hours every week, but you know when it gets down to 1, I'm gonna be all sad. That's one hour less of Seacrest, 1 hour less of joy and happiness, 1 hour less of my SOUL!
I know I've been totally dramatically weird and random this season, but this season has been totally dramatically weird and random. Everything was normal, and then suddenly there was an extra judge, and we went to Puerto Rico, and someone's wife was dead and in his mourning someone convinced him to wear ugly glasses forever, then somebody was blind, Kelly Clarkson made me gay in a matter of a split second, and then there was that one time Paula was chewing on Simon’s arm. But still I should probably try to reign myself in a bit. I hear people are printing these out and reading them to their love ones, who may no longer be loved ones if they've been reading all my recap shenanigans.
I forgot Michael Sarver existed!! He’s sitting on the stools with Seacrest and he reveals that he didn’t get to go to Detroit with the other Idols because he was sick. Geez. Everybody is so sickly this season. This is why A) All the guys wore scarves last year. And B) Why it’s better for them not to all live in one house where germs breed like… well, germs. He’s singing ‘Ain’t Too Proud To Beg’. Whenever I hear that title all I think about is the TLC song, which I love, even though it’s totally about sex, but that’s what all their songs are about anyway. This version is about begging someone not to leave. I have the same problem with Sarver as I do with Anoop. It’s not bad, I just don’t feel it. You know how when you’re dating a nice boy, but you just don’t want to date him anymore? Not for any specific reason, just because you’re not feeling it? Paula gets choked up when she tells Sarver that she loves him but it wasn’t good enough. Simon couldn’t wait for it to end. I didn’t think it was that bad. But I agree with Simon that he doesn’t have a chance to win this competition. Sarver babbles about something. Randy actually says smart things about how Sarver was trying to do too much with the song… but I can’t take my eyes off of Randy’s hideous blue sweater. Wow. But anyway, I do enjoy Sarver’s speaking voice. Accents are pleasing.
I forgot Lil Rounds existed!! But she is here. She is singing ‘Heat Wave’. She’s wearing some tinsel sewn together as a dress. Why are the girls half-naked tonight? Seacrest knows how I feel about this! Randy uses the term “mad, crazy” again. Its one of those phrases that can mean something good or something bad, depending on the context. But collectively, the judges don’t like this performance.
The Brother put a sock on his hand, made it talk, and called it “Kara”.
Then the judges argue, and if I didn’t already know they’ve hand-picked her for the top 3, I’d say this was pointless… which I guess, does make it pointless.
Me - *points and laughed at Adam*
The Brother - “At least Adam takes time to do his hair, unlike Scott.”
Me - “HE IS BLIND!!! HOW DARE YOU!!”
He’s dressed like Zac Efron in Hairspray. HAHAHA! But… GASP!! He’s singing one of my best favorite songs ever!! ‘Tracks Of My Tears’. It’s awesome. I want him to win! I want him to win all the money!! Smokey, Paula, and Kara stand up and clap for him. The girl judges freak out about it. Kara calls it “one of the best performances of the night” to which Simon disagrees and calls it “THE best performance of the night”. And this is the part where Adam would cry if he were capable of human emotion, which I am starting to think he’s not. He’s a robot, alien hybrid, of this I am sure! Randy calls him “unbelievably hot”. This show is making everybody gay this season!! It must be the presence of Adam. IT MUST BE!
Back from commercial, Ryan is holding a trumpet for no reason.
DannyGokey heard me making fun of his glasses cause now he’s wearing contacts in his video package. Or I don’t know that he’s wearing contacts, but he’s not wearing the glasses. But back on stage he is. Damn him! He’s singing a song I love. ‘Get Ready’. The Backstreet Boy did a performance of this way back when they first got together and Nick Carter still had the voice of a fetus. I liked it better than this. Paula loves it, Simon calls it amateurish and clumsy, Randy loved the energy and the “feeling of it”. Kara thought it was just good.
Back from the commercial, Paula is sitting in Ryan’s lap… and then Allison is singing ‘Papa Was A Rolling Stone’ and The Brother and I argue over whether she looks/sounds more like Kelly Clarkson or Hannah Montana. I see the Kelly comparison, which is why I used to call her Kelly Montana, but I see/hear the Hannah Montana thing more. To me, she sounds just like her. Only, you know, she can actually sing.
blozor636: That was the song that bought David the Gay a stay of execution last season. She has to perform it better than that.
And she does. Randy calls her one of the “dopest” things in this “whole thing”. Kara says she sings like she’s been singing for “400 years”. Paula has a mustache drawn on her face and she acts shocked that its there, even though she was sitting there, wide awake, as Simon drew it on. Allison laughs hysterically because she’s a child. I love her though. I laughed too. I won’t lie.
Tomorrow… Arm Tattoo leaves us. Other bottom two may include Sarver and…. *gulps* Scott. I am not happy about that.
No comments:
Post a Comment