The contestants are lined up going down the stairs, with Scott at the bottom of course. Ryan walks down beside them telling us he has results that may shock us. Which I doubt, but okay. I love Seacrest so I take him at his word. I’m not into his suits so much, but he looks good in this grey one he’s wearing tonight. Over 31 million people voted last night and I’m going to be very upset if all those votes were for DannyGokey and you know a lot of them probably were.
Several girls scream and one nearly faints at the mention of Carrie Underwood’s name. But I do not blame them. Were she a different girl from a different season, I’d react the same way.
Remember when I got confused with two different Randys? Remember when Randy Jackson and Kris shared tender moments? And then Arm Tattoo went walking after midnight with a weird accent and a weird tattoo on her arm? Remember when Scott and his angels were wild? Remember when Adam was weird and scared me? Remember when I was always on Anoop’s mind even when I didn’t want to be? And then we dropped that zero and got with the hero? And then Matt was more awesome than anybody else?
Rather than a medley tonight, they are singing ‘Trouble’. Scott is playing on piano while the guys stand around it. Everybody irrelevant, and Allyson, are standing in front of the judges table. Then they all gather around the piano again, then they all stand up. And singing happens all the while. I don’t think they were harmonizing very well, but what do I know.
Introducing the Ford commercial, Ryan is holding what I thought was a silicon implant but it’s just a leftover water balloon from the filming of the Ford commercial. Which is just the Idols throwing water balloons at each other in the street. That’s not really fair for Scott. He can’t aim, nor can he duck if one comes after him. Idol is mean.
God, shut up. Everybody’s pissing and moaning about Jorge and Jasmine getting cut like it mattered. Sure, it’s sad for their dreams to be demolished, but they weren’t going to win anyway! So let’s move on! And if Lil Rounds calls Jasmine “snazzy jazzy” one more time, I will pop a cap. Then more boo-hooing about it. Did Jasmine die? Is that why we’re making such a deal out of it? Or is this just filler?
Sarver cries about how his baby thinks he doesn’t want to be with her anymore. Awww. That is sad. This is the kind of crying and boo-hooing I don’t mind.
Magically, Arm Tattoo isn’t sick anymore.
I looked down to accept a friend request on Facebook and the next thing I knew Danny and Lil were in the top 10.
Between Michael and Allyson/Allison… and Allyson is in the bottom 3... What?!! And so is Michael. Wow. Hmmmm. Michael I’m not surprised at, but Allison? She’s awesome. Though I’m not sure how to spell her name.
Brad Paisley singing pretty songs about pretty love.
Ryan gives Brad the results of his “performance”. Shut up, Seacrest. I’m not in the mood for your tomfoolery. I feel like I‘m getting a head cold and I‘m annoyed by people. Even the super delicious people like Seacrest.
Scott is so cute and awkward. I want to date him. He’s dressed very nice tonight. He’s very sweaty though. And he’s safe!! Nobody congratulates him though. Dude, why is everybody hating on the blind guy?
Arm Tattoo is safe. And Matt and Kris. Maybe I’ll see this tour.
Ryan asks Randy to choose between Alexis and Adam and who he thinks should be in the bottom 3. He says Alexis though he calls her Allison, but either way, it redeems the hatred I’ve been feeling towards him.
Allison is sent back to safety. Phew. I thought this was going to have to get ugly. She’s the only girl I even like this season.
Remember how Carrie was from Checotah and then she one Idol and then she carved her name into somebody’s leather seats? That was awesome.
I love Carrie so much. Not in a gay way, but like in a different way. Like if I had a horse, or if I hung out with Kelly and her horses, I would want Carrie to be the horse whisperer. Also, I want her to sing the soundtrack to my life. Like follow me around all the time, just singing songs that pertain to whatever’s happening at the moment. Like when a boy doesn't call she can sing 'I Know You Won't', or when I elope with a stranger in Vegas she can sing 'Last Name" and for no reason at all, she can sing 'Alone' at random intervals. She can sing anything, but if she tried singing 'My Life Would Suck Without You', I'd punch her in the face cause nobody sings Kelly, EVER! But then later we'd make up over Mojitos.
Also, I have a funny story.
I'm guilty of judging songs by their title. For the longest time I refused to listen to 'Wasted' because I assumed it was about being drunk and what do I wanna hear about Carrie being drunk for. Kelly Clarkson, sure. Carrie, not really. I hold her to a higher standard of classiness. But then one day when I was pumping gas it was playing outside the gas station and I was forced to listen.
Me - "I like this song! Who is it?"
Brother - "Carrie Underwood."
Me - "What? I don't know this song."
Brother - "It's called Wasted."
Me - ".... I thought this song was about being drunk! Like literally wasted!!"
So because of my foolishness, Carrie and I missed out on a lot of time we could've spent together.
But anyway, her and Randy Travis are singing ‘Told You So’ while Carrie wears a giant spider in her hair. Oh God, it’s gonna eat Ryan!! There’s like an avocado or something on her dress. Oh God, it’s gonna get on Ryan’s suit!!
Her voice is magnificent. I mean, if you asked me to choose between her and Kelly, I’d pick Kelly and there’d be no contest, but… man, is Carrie magnificent. Randy Travis however, does not look amused. He’s like glaring at her the entire time like he might want to just cut her. I wouldn’t want to sing with her either. You couldn’t pay me enough to try and sing with someone as good as Carrie. Dude, could you imagine if Carrie, Kelly, Clay, and David Cook sang together on this stage? It would implode, I’m sure of it. Also, Carrie kind of makes a man want to be a miniature horse.
JuleahFaye: randy travis's coat looks like the nightmare before christmas version of a randy travis coat.
Ryan wastes no time getting back to Sarver and Alexis. The judges would consider saving one of them but they don’t say which. There isn’t really time for a sing-off so I don’t know how they’ll work this… Michael is safe and Alexis has to sing again. That’s how they’ll work it. Sigh. Can’t we just send her home? Cause if they save her tonight, she’ll just get cut next week anyway. Paula and Kara kiss and cuddle and make out while Alexis sings. What the hell? When did everybody associated with Idol - including me - become so gay? Seriously. What is in the coke?!
Patti: why are the girls making out all the time?
Shrewlaura: Because all the guys are gay.
Anyway, they send her home. They’re still saving their veto power to ensure that DannyGokey never effin’ leaves, EVER!
Idol will on Wednesday and Thursday next week because of the president. Damn you, Obama! You’re pushing my patience. Who does he think he is?
Alexis teaches baby Ryan to say “Seacrest Out” and it’s kind of like how I try teaching my niece to say “Uncle Seacrest”.
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