So I decided to forgive Idol for all its indiscretions lately. Its like a relationship. You either accept that things are the way they are or you leave. I always feel sad when the season ends and during the winter I don't quite know what to do with myself. So I should embrace it while its here, especially since I fear this may be the last season. They made a murder-suicide pact by adding all these changes. And besides, who would I replace Idol with if I did file for divorce? Not Dancing With The Stars. I left the room an hour into the season premiere and even that tested my patience. That Randy Jackson dance show is awesome, but I can't even remember who the host is and I could do with a little less of the judge in the middle who dresses like a flight attendant. Although she can be insightful sometimes, but sometimes she gets a case of the Randys and yells nonsense that is neither here nor there. Like that time last season when Randy yelled at that poor Australian boy, telling him that this show wasn't about dreams, when it really is about dreams. Seacrest? That's a dream if I ever saw one. Except I keep telling Seacrest to loosin’ up my buttons, but he keeps frontin‘.
But enough about that, THIS is American Idol.
The judges are introduced again and Ryan has to walk down those stairs again. I always get nervous. Stairs are dangerous. I’ve fallen UP stairs, so I know.
Kara and Paula make out while the crowd cheers for Ryan, then everybody awwws over whoever it was that got cut last week. Then Randy lies that the contestants have evolved.
It’s Grand Old Opry week, which I thought meant songs by members of the Grand Old Opry or something, but apparently it’s just songs by people who have either performed their or just drove past once. Or maybe it is members. I don’t know.
But Randy Travis’s reanimated corpse was here during the week to encourage the Idols not to sing stupid songs and to sing good. Dude, seriously, this guy looks like something from Puppet Masters.
blozor: He looks like a really scary David Bowie.
blozor636: And that's saying A LOT.
Randy tells Michael Sarver not to lick stuff or something and then Michael is singing ‘Ain’t Going Down Til The Sun Comes Up’. It’s pretty awesome. Randy’s not sure it brought out his capabilities, but Randy’s stupid anyway, so whatever. Kara is impressed that the song had a lot of words, but she didn’t like the performance vocal wise. Paula raves about the harmonica player that looked like Anoop but that didn’t have anything to do with Michael unless he took the kid off the street, sent him to music school, and then let him perform with him. But maybe he did. Maybe there is no end to Michael’s goodness. Simon didn’t like it at all. Sarver talks back and the sheep cheer him.
Allison is singing ‘Blame It On Your Heart’. I love this song. Wow… this girl is kind of awesome. The judges love her except for Simon. I think he was watching something else because he thought she struggled with the words but she totally didn’t. Score one for Allison, zero for Simon. Then something about dope. I think Randy’s selling drugs, but I wasn’t totally paying attention.
Kris is singing ‘To Make You Feel My Love’. I was just listening to Kelly’s cover of this earlier today. I was making a super awesome Kelly mix CD and this song went on it. And you know what? I’m not even mad that Kris doing it like I usually would be. Because this is awesome. This is beautiful and I think I love him. I am so downloading this tomorrow. Simon calls it “terrific” and everybody has a spazz attack. Randy repeats what he other judges said and then calls Kris his “dawg” and talks about tender moments. I don’t want to hear anymore about tender moments between Randy and anybody.
I forgot Lil Rounds existed. Hmmm. Well, anyway, she talks about how they have a pool at the house and eat in the same kitchen so therefore spend a lot of time together. Then she was nervous about choosing a country song. Just stop talking and sing!! This isn’t your show, Tyra. She’s singing ’Independence Day’ which sends me into a rage because this was Carrie’s song during season 4. She sang it so many times that I never wanted to hear it sung every again in my life. And it never should be sung by anybody but Carrie or Martina! I guess Lil Rounds didn’t watch the show that season. If someone’s going to sing about spousal/child abuse, I want it to be Carrie!! This is rubbish. Randy calls it “interesting” which tells you all you need to know. That it was horrible. Kara is wearing some a dress made of some sort of plastic wrap, aluminum foil hybrid material. Then she mutters about nothing. Paula lies that Lil was good. I don’t even really hear all that she says because her cleavage is so pronounced that I’m afraid if I lean to close to the TV, I’ll fall in them. Then Simon tells the truth that it wasn’t good and Lil argues and I reach through the TV and punch her in the face. Also, Simon can’t seem to get her name right.
I am alarmed by what Lil is wearing. I think Ryan is too. I sense the concern. Then it gets thrown off when he makes a small penis joke directed at Simon that confuses Simon.
In the video package, Adam frightens Randy Travis by wearing nail polish and talking about sitars. Adam is singing ‘Ring Of Fire’ and I keep picturing David Cook in his green tights from the Ford commercial last year. God, how I miss last year. I can’t decide how I feel about this.
Kauly Jo: simon's like "seriously? am i being punk'd again?"
roarimaraptor: this might be nice to play in the background while i make out with ryan, maybe
Kauly Jo: or after you smoke pot with him
I really kind of missed what the judges said because I was copying and pasting this:
JuleahFaye: i feel like i'm a snake being charmed
JuleahFaye: like this is from slumdog millionaire
roarimaraptor: or that snake in the kelly vitamin water commercial
roarimaraptor: all roads lead to kelly!
JuleahFaye: OMG
JuleahFaye: all roads!
Then Simon says “What the hell is that?”.
The Brother - “Put in there that I’m the only person who liked it and that Adam was making love to me through the TV.”
Me - “No! People will disown me!”
The Brother - “Just put it!”
Me - “No! No one will ever read this again!”
Ryan molests children in the audience before we cut to Scott’s video package. Randy Travis doesn’t like his song choice of ‘Wild Angels’ but doesn’t say anything about it… which is kind of his job, but whatever. People named Randy aren’t always the most useful people. We just have to accept that they are there. Then they hug and Ryan is being mauled in the audience by the people he is usually molesting.
Scott must have finally got a hold of a brush and/or a hairdresser, because his hair is lovely. I think this performance is quite lovely too. It starts out a little rough and nervous but then it kicks up a bit. Scott is so cute and awkward. I want to marry him and have his little blind babies and his little hot seeing eye babies. Well, wait… babies shouldn’t be hot. But you know what I’m saying. Paula tells him he should be without his piano, even though when he didn’t have the piano, she told him to get a piano. Simon comes to Scott’s defense saying that if he wants to be behind the piano all the time than he should be behind the piano all the time. Simon didn’t think it was a good song choice though. Randy thought it was just okay. Kara explains that what the other three judges have been spending 10 minutes arguing is that he needs to up his game a little bit. True dat. But still, I’ll download this song.
Scott said he spends his down time arranging his song choices and I love that. I love him.
blozor636: Last season, Paula got drugged up and she critiqued a song she hadn't heard yet. This season she told a blind man he should put on a stage show.
The Brother - “If they had a Cher week, Adam would kick ass.”
Me - “He’d just be himself.
Alexis is next. Randy Travis is alarmed I think by the pink hair and giant hoop earrings. Also, I think he wants to molest her. She’s singing ‘Jolene’. She sounded alright, but she was kind of boring. Bluesy in a way that didn’t work, as Randy says Kara thought she’d lost her edge. Paula doesn’t care if a person sings good or not, she says. Simon looks unusually good in his shirt tonight. Simon thought it wasn’t original enough. Alexis is all like, “I had fun.” and I’m all like, “Well, I didn’t. So get off the stage.”
If I was on this show, I would have sang either something by Carrie or ‘You Lie’ by Reba.
DannyGokey gets nervous in front of Randy Travis and can‘t sing. Or rather, he kind of sounds like Sanjaya while he’s rehearsing it. Ha! DannyGokey sucks! He’s singing ‘Jesus, Take The Wheel’, while wearing a stupid white coat that I‘m pretty sure I saw Carrie Underwood wearing once. I won’t even explain it because my laptop might explode.
Kara kisses his ass but it wasn’t that great. Danny has a good voice, I'm not denying that. I just don't care. The vibe I get from his attitude... I just don't care. I don't like the type of person he is. See, you can be a great singer and have a shitty-assed attitude... But not on this show. Why do you think the douchbags never win? David Cook? Kelly Clarkson? Carrie Underwood? Clay Aiken? Not only do they have totally fucking awesome voices, they are totally fucking awesome people. Who doesn't want to hang out with Clay Aiken? Seriously, who doesn't? Cause that's just weird and I want you to leave this recap right now. I don't trust anybody who wouldn't want to hang out with Clay. Or have Carrie sing to them from the shadows while they make out with Seacrest. Or give birth to David Cook's humungous headed babies. Or drink sodas with Kelly and maybe kiss her if she asked and maybe get drunk and experiment like college girls. If you don't want to do that stuff, then you are weird. And you need to leave.
Wow, that was weird what I just said. All of it. I apologize. I mean, I don't really, cause if I said it is what it is, but...... Don't judge me!! But seriously? All four of those people could single-handedly wipe the floor with him. Kelly would laugh if you suggested they compete against each other. She’d laugh in your face and then go make a sandwich, of which she would share with me.
Anoop is singing ‘Always On My Mind’. I love this song so much. He better not suck it up! I will find you Anoop. Oh, I will. Actually, I won’t. Nevermind. I don’t have the kind of passion needed to fight for Willie Nelson songs. But omg, I want to call Seacrest and sing him this song to make up for that time we didn’t speak for like a year and I taped over most of my episodes of On Air. Paula drunkenly exclaims that Anoop is “back” and that this song fit him like a glove. She breaks into fits of giggles because I suspect she’s remembering that phrase “No glove, no love.” And then Anoop calls her ma’am. Simon says he went from “zero to hero” which is a little extreme, but yeah, it was a good performance. Randy says nothing of interest, except that the arrangement was “dope“, which is sort of true. They agree that it was the best performance of the night, and although I might agree… that doesn’t mean anything. It’s been a fairly boring night overall.
I heard that Megan had a “wardrobe malfunction” during rehearsal. I suspect either her tattoo came to life and tried to eat Seacrest or a boob popped out. She’s singing ‘Walking After Midnight’. She over-enunciates and it’s annoying. God, it’s annoying. And she’s wearing a dress that’s like those mannequins in the old navy commercials where the mannequin proposes and then the other one’s finger falls off but it’s all okay because they’re wearing those dresses and I just want to set them all on fire cause it‘s stupid and annoying. They’re saying she was in and out of the hospital and that’s why she missed rehearsal and not the rumor I heard. My rumor was more interesting anyway.
I forgot all about Matt. He’s singing ‘So Small’. Hmmm. Randy Travis is disturbed by this, but it sounds like it might be pretty. In between his video package and when he starts singing, Paula is sniffing Simon’s arm and Ryan is standing by watching with his hands in his pocket. This show is so weird sometimes.
But this Matt? He’s awesome. I’d say that he’s so good he got Paula up on her feet dancing, but I get the feeling Paula dances to the sound of wind chimes and toilets flushing.
Kara tells Matt there’s nothing small about him. God, Kara. If you’re gonna be dirty, hide it in gay innuendo. Have you never seen how things work on this show? Did they not give you a memo? Paula stumbles over a bunch of words, some big and some small, to make some sort of point that I cannot understand. Simon tells Matt that he’s awesome and nobody’s been able to notice thus far because they’re too busy not shutting up about DannyGokey. Randy calls it his favorite performance of the night and I concur. Then Matt gets tearful. I wish him and Seacrest would hug.
Dude, I totally forgot about Michael Sarver. That’s bad. It’s been less than two hours.
So who’s going home tomorrow? Not Allison, Kris, or Matt. Probably not Scott, Adam, or that other guy with the glasses who’s name I’m tired of typing.
Roarimaraptor:: god, i wish jesus would take his wheel and drive it off a bridge
Shrewlaura: Seriously. Rescue us Jesus. Save us from Danny Douchey
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