May 13, 2009 - I can see the red tail lights heading for Spain

For some reason, that desk the judges sit behind during auditions is in the “Smithsonian”, so the cast of that new Night At The Museum movie are talking about. Ben Stiller and that one funny guy from SNL who’s name I can never remember lies that Paula inspires people from behind said desk.  

The Ford commercial this week - or “music video”, as Seacrest calls it - starts out as a cartoon. Then they turn real. But the background is still cartoon. But then it’s real and there’s a storm. And then nothings gonna break their stride, ain’t nothing gonna hold them down, as they turn back into cartoons, then back into people again, and drive off. 

Alicia Keys is wear a bath towel as a dress, on this here Idol stage, for reasons I don’t know. Something about kids with HIV in Africa. One of these kids from Africa - and he actually looks like Tracey Junior on 30 Rock - is here singing/rapping/chanting some song. I don’t know why. He’s a kid, so I won’t mock him. But I don’t know why this is going on. I mean, filler, I know, but of all the filler things that could have been? We get this? But it’s funny, cause he’s like 10 but almost as tall as Ryan. And then Ryan dances, and that is always good times. 

There’s a cougar in the audience who apparently loves Danny. She loves him so much, she has a sign. Hmmm. As soon as they show the sign, a tornado watch shows up on my screen. Oh Danny. Even the weather wants you destroyed. 

Blah blah, yawn yawn, Danny in his hometown signing autographs, radio interviews. A poor, misguided young sap chases his limo down the street and he cries during a parade. Then the mayor makes him like King of the city or something. I wish I cared. 

Kris is like the hottest thing ever . I mean, barring David Cook, of course. It must be so weird to be from Arkansas. I wonder if Paula pronounced it “Are Kansas”.  Kids in his town scream over the sounds of ‘Everybody Wants To Rule The World’. GASP! Does this mean he’ll win? Kris’s dad talks like a woman. Then Kris goes and sings at his old college. If I went on this show, I’d never go and sing at my old school. Those bastards.  What did they ever do for me but make me one time spend my lunch break in a bathroom stall. 

I think Kris made mayor too. I don’t know. His dad cries and talks like a woman some more. Kris is hot through-out all of this, by the way. 

Jordin Sparks!!  She’s come down the stairs, which are covered in smoke. What if everyone thought this was an effect but really the stage was on fire? That’d be fun. Why does Jordin look like she’s 30? I don’t know either. She’s doing some spazzy thing,  but this song is awesome. I mean, I don’t know what she’s saying, but it sounds awesome. 

TCreature3: this song doesn't have lyrics does it?

TCreature3: i think she is writing as it as she goes

Dude, I don’t know when I turned 12 again, but I can’t wait for ‘Glee’. 

Adam is hot. I take back what I said about Kris being the hottest thing ever, besides David Cook.  Ew Anoop. He ruined the hotness fantasy.  Whooo Allison!!  I like when old eliminated contestants come back. 

Adam’s hometown of San Diego. His limo is huge, guys. You could fit all 13 Idols and the judges and Ryan in that thing. Adam plays around in front of a green scream with some weird lady who then makes him put her eyeliner on her. What a weirdo… do you guys think Adam would put eyeliner on me? 

A middle-aged man asks Adam to sign his shirt. A little boy tries to high five Adam and then asks him how he got to be so awesome. All the children have a good laugh over Adam’s crazy hair. Then a girl scares him with her boobs. Man, Adam gets so many songs playing over his package. ‘Come Home’ and some bad cover of ‘Baby O’Riley’. 

Heh. I said package. 

Why is everybody but Scott in the audience? Because he can’t see, they don’t even give him tickets?

Katy Perry is here and the only song I care of hers is ‘Use Your Love’ and she‘s not singing that so I don‘t even care. The only person I care about waking up in Vegas is Carrie Underwood that time she shacked up with some guy without knowing his last name. 

Danny wants us to skip this and announce the results, and even though I agree, shut up. Then Adam yells “I wanna see Katy Perry!” I don’t, but I love you, Adam. And on second thought, I kind of like this song. The verses are uneventful like most Katy Perry songs are, but the chorus is awesome. Her cape says “Adam Lambert” on the back, which is awesome, but I’m disconcerted by the fact that she’s not wearing pants. And the boobs that are all over the place. 

DIM THE LIGHTS!!

Kris is in the finale!! KRIS IS IN THE FINALE!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

88 million votes… 

… ADAM!!!!!! 

Here we go again. The wife thing. Danny loves watching himself on video. Adam cries while Danny sings, marginally better than last night, I must say. The singing, not the crying. It’s actually pretty. Why hasn’t he been this good before? 

Blozor636: At least Gokey had the chance to smear cake all over Allison's body before he got voted off. How many people can say that?

Simon talks about a “big ding dong” and Ryan rushes us off the air, cause that’s just weird. 

May 12, 2009 - Adam rox my sox.

The Brother - "What is Bones?"

Me - "Things in your body? A TV show?"

The Brother - "No, Bones. Her career. What is she?"

Me - "Forensic anthropologist."

The Brother - "Yeah. That's what I want to be. I just thought of that when I was taking a dump. Also, what if I woke up and I had a vagina." 

THIS is American Idol. 

Paula is sitting backwards tonight because she’s insane. Ryan and Simon both have that playful look in their eyes. Oooh, I hope some shenanigans are going down tonight. We need it. I’m bored. 

I think I've figured out why this season is so boring. There is no contest and there never really has been. Adam has been the front runner from the get-go. Minus all the douchery of a few who shall remain unnamed, everybody is the same person, just with a different face. That's why its so hard to rank who will go home next since Megan left. They're practically the same. I was sad when Allison left but I would have been just as sad if Kris had left. On the same token, I wouldn't have been surprised if one of them went home the week before. Or if Matt went home this week or next. Its always been down to "Adam versus Danny" with Adam winning. And who cares about that?  Last season was awesome in the same way that season 4 was awesome in that anybody could have filled those spots. Yes, David and Carrie were the right choices for winners, but if they hadn't won, who cares? I would have been disappointed if Cook didn't win, yes, but I wouldn't have been disappointed if Archie had won. I was rooting for Bo, but wasn't mad that Carrie won. That finale could have been Bo versus Constantine, it could have been Carrie versus Constantine. It was a surprise. Last season could have been Cook versus Johns, Archie versus Johns, maybe even any of them against Brooke White. Who knew what was going to happen? Nobody! The boring ass predictability of this season is boring. But maybe people like boring. CBS is the number one station on TV and what the hell is even on that channel? I couldn't tell you because I don't watch it because it's a boring ass channel.

During the week, Gokey went home to Milwaukee so that Paula could text him and tell him that she’s chosen ‘Dance Little Sister’ for him to sing tonight. It would be funny if he never got the text and just showed up tonight with nothing prepared to sing. “What do you mean the judges choose a song? What? Nobody told me that!” Oh, how happy I’d be. Anyway, I do not know this song and neither does Danny. 

The Brother - “God, I hate him.”

Me - “You said you wanted to ‘get with him’”. 

The Brother - “That was before Allison went home.”

Me - “No, that was 2 days ago.”

The Brother - “No!”

No - “Yes, it was Sunday night right after we bought the concert tickets.”

The Brother - “Well, that was… that was… that was… that was a figure of speech.

I’m sorry, I was too busy typing that out to pay attention. Randy loved it, and Kara talks about his “money spot” and also that he needs to stop dancing. Paula thinks his dancing was “really good” and also that he did fantastic. Simon reminds the ladies that it’s a singing show anyway and Danny makes a big bag full of douche faces. 

As Ryan is giving out Danny’s numbers, somebody was yelling like an complete asshat in the audience. Or maybe it was Paula. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. 

Kara and Randy chose for Kris ‘Apologize’. I wonder if they had to duke it out to decide which song to go with. I love this song so effin’ much. I wanted Matt to sing it but I will settle for Kris, who is basically just Matt without the forehead thing. And a little bit hotter.  This is purty. Sights and sounds. I didn’t know Kris could play the piano. Or did I know that? I can’t remember.

Performances like this make me sad the season's almost over. Even though I’m more detached from the contestants than I've ever been, I will miss them all. Even Danny Gokey. I mean, I'll miss him like the way you'd miss a rash or that time you had Gonorrhea. But still. I'll miss him. 

Randy says this song choice is good because it shows that Kris could be OneRepublic if he wanted to. What? It’s Randy, so whatever. Take what you want from what he says. Kara bitches that he didn’t take chances or whatever. Shut up Kara. Why don’t you and Randy go jump off a cliff. And take Paula with you.  Simon’s like “Shut up, Paula. You don’t make any sense.” Then he yells at Kara for choosing that song for Kris and then complaining that Kris sang that song she chose for him. The judges argue some more, until Kara clamps her hands over Simon‘s mouth to stop him from making complete and total sense. I wish the stage would take this moment to collapse again.

Adam went to San Diego and then Simon texted him that he’s singing ‘One’ by U2. I have a hard time believing that Simon even knows how to text. He’s like my dad’s age and every time I text my dad, he doesn’t know how to respond, so he just calls me instead of texting back. This is a pretty song. Me likes it. Randy bitches about it and Simon boos him. Kara calls him “Un.Be.Liev.able.” Paula is miserable sitting next to Simon and Adam tells her just to punch him again, as she did earlier tonight. Simon loves Adam all over the place, which is weird considering Simon has always been the total homophobe. 

If Paula and Randy and Kara had a baby and made it ten times more annoying than they could ever be combined and then bred that baby with a baby made between Gokey and that girl who had the tattoo on her arm, and then took that baby and let it judge a dancing show… you’d get the same level of annoyance that I get from that judge Mary on ‘So You Think You Can Dance’. True story. 

Carrie is in Africa again, fighting the fight against Malaria. Or maybe it was just leftover footage from last year. I hope she sings ‘I’ll Stand By You’ again. That song makes me happy on the inside.  Also, ‘So Small’ which plays over footage of her playing with African children. 

TCreature3: i don't want to watch gokey

TCreature3: i'll brb

TCreature3: but he might crash and burn and i want to be a part of that

Gokey is singing ‘You Are So Beautiful’. I do not know this song, nor do I care. Oh God, I do know this song. This is the song Alfalfa sang in the little rascals movie. And then I think he started burping bubbles or something. I want to watch that! Can we put that on instead?  I thought it was meh, but the judges love it. The beginning was total suck, but the rest was alright. But nobody mentions the suck part, they just go on about how awesome it was. Danny makes a stupid douche face and is all like “I don’t care what the judges say, I‘m just gonna sing whatever I want to sing and do whatever I want to do because I am King Douche.” I am paraphrasing, of course.

Oh man, Kris looks hot. He’s doing ‘Heartless’ by Kanye West. He is so current tonight. It’s purty and acoustic and he’s playing guitar. I didn’t recognize the song until he gets to the chorus.  He’s so white and this is so purty.  I hate Kanye West but I like Kris’ version of it. The audience cheers like woah and then the judges freak out about it. And Kris should always wears jeans.  In case he’s reading this. S

Adam’s second song is ‘Crying’ by Aerosmith. Or is it ’Cryin’’? I don’t know. Kelly Clarkson sang this in some concert once. It was awesome. Sometimes she makes me wish I was a dude so I could do dirty things to her. Also,  I want to do dirty things to Adam as a man.  Especially while he sings this song.  This is like a finale performance. His parents are so proud. I love his parents. I love people who love their dramatic gay children instead of turning on them because they’re too busy having their own heads up their own ass. Adam gets weepy. Randy yells out the word “rock star” 18 times. Kara’s all like “See you at the finals?” Duh, Kara. Paula loves Adam forever. Simon wants everyone to vote for Adam forever. Adam is awesome because he raves about how awesome Kris and Gokey are. He’s awesome. He’s so David Cook and I love it. 

blozor636: Dude, Adam is so humble. It's David Cook all over again.

roarimaraptor: i love it

roarimaraptor: he's like the gay David Cook

blozor636: Gokey would be pushing Adam out of the way to make America suck his cock.

roarimaraptor: ha! i know

blozor636: And Kris... Would just stand there and make other men jealous of his looks.

blozor636: Because I think that's pretty much all he does.

I have no idea who goes home tomorrow. I want Gokey to but I think it’s been written in the stars that Kris will 

May 6, 2009 - Come on and cry, cry baby

The intro this week is less dramatic than ever. There’s lots of Slash and slow motion and odd lighting and the judges yelling about how awesome Adam is and how aweful Danny’s screaming was. 

stonehousekthx: I like how Gokey tried to be like Adam and then they were like "no"

The audience screams loudly for Ryan as he comes down the steps. Probably because they saw on tmz what he didn’t tell us yesterday - that when the stage tried collapsing last night, he fell - and they‘re happy to see he is alive. 

64 million votes cast last night! Jesus H. Christ! 

I want to see Kara body surf the crowd. I mean, I know they’d drop her cause they’re not the brightest bunch, but it would still be fun to see them try,

The Ford video involves Adam being awesome and then the awesome Adam walking down the street as a paper cutout of himself.  Wouldn’t it be awesome to have a paper Adam that you could dress at your will? I bet that’s how Adam sees himself. As his own little doll he can dress any way he wants. I like that. Adam rocks. Anyway, the rest of the Idols also become paper cutouts but I don’t want to play with them. They’re doing that ‘Move Along’ song by that group that does that ‘Dirty Little Secret Song’ that I once played on Rockband for like 4 hours. 

Group Medley starts out of nowhere with Slash playing kick ass guitar, Adam singing kickass singing, Kris being hot as he always is, then Danny screaming some more about how school is out for the summer even though he was told to stop screaming not 24 hours ago. This song will always remind me of Scream and all the teens who were murdered in it… I want to watch it now.  Except suddenly Allison gets carried away and pushes Gokey. Man, she should have done that last night, maybe she would have gotten enough votes to stay. Cause you know she’s the one going home.  

Gokey says something that I don’t bother to listen to because his douchey-ness has stopped registering with me and I don’t even want to care anymore. Kris is so beautiful, but Simon tells him to shut up and stop being humble. Adam had a blast last night as usual. Apparently someone people, probably just some of Gokey’s friends, made ring tones out of his nasty scream last night. Allison looks at Kara and makes stabbing motions with her hand. 

Paula is… performing? Okay. I guess she’s paid her dues. Ryan’s not going to perform next week is he? Even I don’t want to see that and you guys know how I feel about Ryan. I take that back. One time he sang that song that goes “Got a nice package alright, think I’m gonna have to ride it tonight.” I mean, that was wonderful. I listened to it on repeat for like week. I wouldn’t mind seeing him sing that on my TV. So Paula’s song is about dancing and how she’s just here for the music. It’s very Britney. I’m not sure how I feel about it. So let’s just move on. But wait:

roarimaraptor: I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT

roarimaraptor: opps

roarimaraptor: i didn't mean to yell that

Blozor636: I think that says exactly how you feel about it.

But really, I don’t have a whole lot of animosity towards Paula. Except Ryan then interviews her and it’s like, whatever. I’m just here for the music.

No Doubt is here singing ‘Just A Girl’. What the hell year is it? I feel old again. This song came out when I was a junior in high school. Guys, that was like… 12 years ago. OMG, I am so old. I bet half the people in the audience and two thirds of the people at home watching think this song is new. But I know the truth. 

Then everything gets so weird that I have to get up and let my dog outside. 

When I get back, mmmm David Cook. Also, Jordin Sparks, Bo Bice, Carrie Underwood, Blake Lewis, Archie, and every other Idol ever who ever had Idol cameras sent to their hometown. Mmmm, Cook. But dude, I forgot Syesha existed!

There are three drinking fountain stools for the top three and Ryan will announce them in no particular order. I think they should just play musical chairs. Play ‘Please Don’t Stop The Music’, but then stop the music, and whoever isn’t sitting… well, they go home. 

Kris is the first one announced in the top 3. 

Me - “He just shit himself!”

The Brother - “I just shit myself too!”

Remember how tiny Daughtry looked when he auditioned? Wow. Remember when he acted all Anoop/Danny levels of douche when Ryan announced he was going home? But he was awesome afterwards anyway? He released an album just a few months later like you’re SUPPOSED TO when you leave the show. Hint hint, wink wink. Anyway, he is singing a new song off of his new album, because he’s releasing a second album like you’re SUPPOSED TO. Wink wink, hink hink. There’s a hot guy in his band too. I must download this song. 

The Brother - “He sounds so different!”

Me - “He went through puberty!”

The Brother - “I know! Next thing you know he’s going to start growing hair.”

Adam is in the top 3... And so is Gokey. Son of a ….

I guess I knew it though. I knew it all along. And now Allison is… going home. And she cries as she sings her song again. And Kara stand up and yell and shout. Even Danny looks sad, and not at all like a douche hole. 

May 5, 2009 - Battle of the duets

Pictures of Clay Aiken’s 9-month son have surfaced, revealing that he looks like a Benjiman Button/alien version of Clay. Meaning he either looks like Clay if Clay had a baby with an alien or he looks just like Clay, but not like Clay as a baby, but rather as Clay now. At 30. He’s a 30 year old baby!! That is kind of exciting. But what’s more exciting?

American Idol! 

Remember when Adam was in the bottom three? And we saw Danny being undouchey for the first time? Yeah. I remember. But we see it again. Because THIS is American Idol and with only 4 people left, we have plenty of time to fill. Ryan tells us that we are “very live” tonight, as opposed to other nights when we are just sort of, kind of live.

Ryan tells us that the giant Independence Day stage almost collapsed before the show and so the Idols didn’t have a chance to run through a dress rehearsal. Also, they will be doing duets tonight. Oooh, I hope Allison sings with Adam! 

So Slash from Guns ‘n Roses is the mentor this week. Awesome, is all I have to say about that. I mean, Jamie Foxx? What the hell was that? But Slash? Awesome. At least he’s relevant even if I’m not quite sure that he even has a face. Or at least a face that people want to be looking at.

Adam is first singing ‘Whole Lot Of Love‘, which causes Slash to promptly fall in love with him. God, I love Adam. Adam is like the gay David Cook. I couldn’t be happier if he won this season. Unless, him and David toured together, in which case, my head might explode from awesomeness. 

So anyways, Adam is dressed like you would assume Adam as a rocker would be dressed like. His hair is super fantastic and he’s wearing jeans which always makes me happy except in extreme cases like when the jeans on certain other people who have been in this top 12/13. He’s wearing a necklace with little handcuffs on it. 

Kara is wearing a ring that looks like one of those ring pops after the pop part of it is gone. She gets a case of the Paula’s and starts yelling randomness , Paula calls him “a whole lot of perfect”, and Simon says that he was great but has ruined the night for everybody else because no way anybody will ever be able to top it.  We should just call this the finale. Except I don’t want this show to end. Ever. Even though I hated most everybody this season, I get sad when they leave. 

Allison and Ryan are totally nervous that the stage might start falling on top of them. Allison’s hair is looking awesome tonight and its because Adam hooked her up with his long-time stylist. Allison’s songs were a toss-up between ‘Somebody To Love’ and the song I’ve been waiting forever to hear somebody sing on this show, ‘Cry Baby’. She chooses the latter. OMG, you guys, seriously. I love this song like woah. If I could sing and went on a talent show, this would be my song. This and ‘Goodbye To You’ by Scandal. It is so awesome. She’s wearing leather pants and hooker boots… but it’s still awesome. 

Randy doesn’t think so, but whatever. He’s wearing some beads on a necklace, so who is he to talk? They tell her she should have sang “Piece of My Heart’ but Underwood already did that, so… no. She shouldn’t have.  Paula seems neutral on the performance and Simon liked it better than the rest of the judges, but he didn’t think it was too original. 

Pff, what do the judges know? Who do they think they are? 

First duet: Kris and Danny doing ‘Renegade’ by Styx. I love Styx. Because I’m old. The duet starts a cappella and then the jig is up ,the news it out, and the band comes in. It’s awesome I suppose. At least one of half of it is. The judges enjoyed it. 

Kris looks stunning no matter what he wears. He could wear a muumuu. Slash invites Kris to play guitar during his rehearsal and the Slash plays a long, which causes Kris to nearly wet himself. He’s singing ‘Come Together’, a song that has always thoroughly bored me. He doesn’t sound bad but it’s just kind of like… bleh. For me. Not to sound like Randy, but it wasn’t that good for me. Randy liked the guitar playing better than the singing.  Kara calls him “the softer side of rock”, but she didn’t like his performance. Paula says something about artistic delivery while Simon does something goofy off camera. Simon compares the performance to eating ice for lunch. British people are weird. But it was kind of boring. 

Danny is doing ‘Dream On’. Thank God, I already hate this song. Every week, I worry that Danny will sully a song I love. The way Scott Savol used to do. But we don’t see him around anymore, do we? No, we don’t. Cause I took care of that. 

Half of the performance is just him repeating the phrase “dream on” over and over again and then screaming like a murder victim in a horror movie. He’s wearing a handcuff necklace like Adam’s, only his is big and 

Randy calls it “alright”. He calls it a valiant effort which is the same thing I’d say to my toddler nephew when he tries to give me a high five and misses. Kara didn’t like it either, but she likes his growth. What? I don’t know. She commends him for attempting a high five and missing. Paula makes the audience scream about how awesome Danny is. Then Simon makes the horror movie reference like I did, which sort of makes us soul mates, which brings me even closer to marrying David Cook. 

Duet two: Allison and Adam doing ‘Slow Ride’. They’re both dressed like trashy rock people. Awesome!! I hope the finale is between these two!  Also, I think they’re almost wearing matching boots. The judges love it and Simon says that Adam probably just gave Allison a chance to stay in this competition.

Who goes home tomorrow? Based on tonight’s performances, Gokey should. But it’ll either be Allison or Kris. Just because that’s the natural order of things. 

April 29, 2009 - It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that swing.

Me - “We gotta watch Uncle Seacrest now.”

The Niece - “I don’t want to watch Uncle Seacrest!”

Ryan looks ghostly under the white lights as he introduces the show. Like he’s going to tell us a ghost story. “One time there was a girl and a boy necking in a car and then a hook knocked on a window. And it belonged to DannyGokey! OMG AUGH!!” Then him and Kara will play Light As A Feather, Stiff As A Ghost and forever talk about the ghost they saw while they were playing

Randy is wearing a hideous pink shirt and Paula is wearing more cleavage than I ever thought she could wear. 

Ford commercial: The Idols are foot racing in black and white, which believe it or not, makes Matt’s forehead thing even more prominent than ever.  Then a Ford drives up and everything is colorized.

Group sing: Allison is wearing a dress over pants and Gokey looks her up and down because she’s legal now. Ew. Matt looks delicious as usual. As does Kris, but I‘m sort of over that tonight. Then of course there’s Adam and there’s nothing that can be said about Adam except he’s awesome as usual and easily two feet taller than everybody else. This medley is kind of a hot mess. But I think they’re at least singing live this time. I wish they’d make up their minds with this lip syncing thing. Then, a butt shot of Kris and I’m over being over him. 

Video footage of the Idols making cake to celebrate the birthdays of Allison and Danny. Speaking of. We’ve been doing this lottery thing at work and every week I use Kelly Clarkson’s birth date (4 and 24) and call it my lucky number even though it’s never done anything for me. Now I know why. Its also  Danny’s birthday. Back in the mansion kitchen, someone starts a food fight. I’ll let you guess what kind of a douche would start a food fight in the middle of baking a birthday cake. Then Danny is given a 6,000 bill to pay for the maid services to clean it. Ha! Well played, Idol. Well played.

Matt has tears in his eyes and is sent to one end of the stage. Danny looks like he would have tears in his eyes if he was capable of producing tears. And maybe he is, but I don’t know. He talks forever and I sort of black in and out until he’s sent to the other end of the stage. Allison is sent to stand next to Danny.  Kris stands next to Matt. Which leaves Adam in the position to pick a group, which is lame, because he‘ll refuse to pick a group and that was only cool the first time when Bo Bice did it. From then on it was just copycat. Adam’s all like “I love everybody!!” But he picks Allison and Danny’s group anyway… which is not the bottom three. What?!! Even Danny looks shocked, like he’s been replaced with a body double. Him and Allison stare open mouthed at each other for like 10 seconds, which is a really long time. 

Natalie Cole - or as I thought for a second, “Is that Fantasia’s mom?” - is here to sing some boring Rat Pack era song. Me thinks its time for a bathroom break. Afterwards, Allison still can’t believe she’s safe and Adam isn‘t. That makes two of us… plus, everybody else in the world. 

Taylor Hicks is here, looking well beyond his 30-something years. I’m sure it’s the hair, but it could have been the two bad albums he’s had under his belt. I liked Taylor when he was on this show, but I just have no time for him anymore. I don’t know why. But I do like his song ‘The Runaround’.

stonehousekthx: hear how people are politely applauding

stonehousekthx: they don't remember him, but Ryan said he was once on this stage, and they believe him

His guitar playing is awesome. Him and Ryan talk about how he’s lost weight because Ryan is obsessed with weight.

Matt, Kris, and Adam… Ryan sends Kris back to the couches… who will win if Adam goes home? 

Why won’t the performances stop?!!! WHY?!!! Jamie Foxx is singing/rapping some new song of his. So he’s a singer now? I don’t know what’s going on in celebrity land anymore. There is too much going on. Lots of drums and singing and clapping and dancing judges. I might have a seizure, that’s how over stimulated my eyes are right now. 

So down to Adam and Matt… I would make out with either one of them. Adam is safe and Matt says goodbye. I’m sad.  Matt’s going home to the tunes of Carrie Underwood. It just occurred to me that Matt kind of looks like Stan on American Dad. I’d still make out with him. And take him home, sweet home. 

April 28, 2009 - A constant evolution

Assume Fox viewing positions!

“Good evening” says Ryan Seacrest. He is coming to us live from Hollywood with our top 5.

I’m glad they got rid of that whole judges walking out to their seats thing. That was annoying. Not annoying? Ricky Minor and his awesome band. Tonight’s theme is “Standards from the Rat Pack era”. This could suck. Or it could be awesome. But it could still suck. Only time will tell. 

This week’s mentor is… remastered video footage of Frank Sinatra!! No, just kidding. It’s that dude from In Living Color!! I love In Living Color!! I mean, Jamie Foxx has done a lot of things since then, but who can forget In Living Color! I keep thinking of The Head Detective (the detective who was just a head with arms and feet) even though Jamie didn’t play that character. He is a good fit to mentor the Idols because he played a singer in a movie. Hmmm. Interesting. I sing David Cook songs in my shower. Can I mentor him? 

Kris is singing ‘The Way You Look Tonight’ and Jamie keeps calling him a “dude”. Kris is many things, mostly awesome and pretty things, but I don’t know if he’s a dude. What is a dude, even?  I don’t know, but anyway, this is very pretty. But it’s boring, like that rat pack music tends to be. Its lounge music for a reason. Cause it’s loungey. It’s for laying around and loungey. It makes me want to take a nap. But I can’t close my eyes because Kris is darling to look at. Everybody screams like they’re having seizures.  Randy calls it his best performance in the history of forever, and the audience does their seizure scream again. Kara tells him how high he’s set the bar, to more screams. Paula is wearing wrapping paper as a dress and calls Kris “ever so handsome”. Simon just calls it safe. 

I just noticed that Kris is smaller than Ryan. That must be miniscule. I bet Kris could fit in somebody’s pocket, that‘s how small he must be. 

Allison is wearing like a cocktail dress with feathers of  a swan for the skirt part. She killed a swan!! And she just turned 17 now. She’s singing ‘Someone To Watch Over Me’ which Jamie calls innocent. She’s legal now. There’s nothing innocent about that. I forgot to actually pay attention during this part because my brother and I were discussing that nasty rumor about Trenyce, Kimberly Caldwell, and Corey Clarke. You know what rumor I’m talking about. And if you don’t, so much the better for you.

Randy thinks there are 9,000 octaves in singing and that Allison has 9,000 more of them than Pink. True, I suppose. The judges praise her all over the place. Except Simon. Not that she’s bad, he just thinks she’s being overshadowed by everyone who’s better. Kara asks permission before speaking and then calls Simon crazy. 

Matt is singing ‘My Funny Valentine’ which he dedicates to his forehead pimple. I mean, in my head he does this. But still. Just because I only imagined it doesn’t mean it isn’t real. Jamie insists that Matt sing the song in a certain key and to hold a certain note a certain amount of time to slay the dragon and win the game. I’ve never liked this song. Except for those two weeks that I loved Constantine before I took antibiotics to clear up that infection. Randy calls it pitchy cause it’s like the only word he knows. Although he isn’t lying. Kara appreciated the singing, but he wasn’t emotionally connected to the song. Paula loves it because she probably wasn’t even paying attention. Although I thought it was pretty. Simon agrees with Paula and thought it was great. So maybe she was paying attention.

Download songs on iTunes, yada yada yada. Danny is singing ‘Come Rain Or Come Shine’. This is the song Carla is singing in The Other Sister when her boyfriend picks a cracker off her shirt. GASP!! His name was Danny too!!! NOOO!! That’s my favorite movie! How dare you forsake my favorite movie, DannyGokey!! 

There’s all kinds of trumpet and those glasses I hate. I have no opinion on the vocals cause he always sounds karaoke to me. The judges love it, blah blah blah.  I wouldn’t be surprised if they extended the season just to give us more Gokey.

Dude, I so want to see Dance Flick.

Adam is singing that song about how there’s a new dawn and a new day and a new life. Blah, I hate this song.  But Adam does wonderful things with it of course. He’s dressed all in all white suit and actually slinks down the stairs like he’s Jessica Rabbit. He hits a note higher and held longer than the one Jamie advised to Matt. Awesome. Let’s just name Adam the winner and let him and Allison and Kris and Matt sing every week until the finale. The audience screams FOREVER when he’s done. Like, FOREVER. Maybe it’s Adam’s fault they go over every week. The judges are practically speechless. 

To my disappointment, Ryan promises not to slink down the stairs like Adam did. Damn you, Seacrest! Squash my dreams, why don’t you!

Who goes home tomorrow night? Probably Matt. Which makes me sad, but whatevs. 

April 22, 2009 - You’re a train wreck, but I wouldn’t love you if you changed.

April 22, 2009 - You’re a train wreck, but I wouldn’t love you if you changed.

I don’t even know how to explain the opening, but it’s that same dramatic opening as always. Except this time Danny explains extensively how seven minus two equals five. 

THIS is American Idol.

Someone in the audience has a “Ryan’s biggest fan(literally)” sign. I guess I might be the un-literally biggest fan. I’m still not feeling the big boy suits though. I prefer my Seacrests in jeans and goofy t-shirts. 

Earlier this week, the Idols had some dance training with Paula Abdul. Paula is many things, but a bad dancer is not one of them. So this might be good. Everybody looks sexy during dance rehearsal except the girls, Danny, and Anoop. Well, the girls might look sexy. I don’t know. I don’t typically recognize female sexiness. And then Matt downloads his own performance of ‘Let’s Get It On’ to use as a ringtone. That’s awesome. No, Matt is awesome. 

Group song: Everybody but Adam is wearing sunglasses. Danny and Anoop are wearing hideous pimp suits that make me wish I didn’t have such an aversion to vomiting to that I could vomit on myself. Also, they are lip syncing again. Actually, they’re all wearing hideous pimp suits. But they’re wearing them with jeans so some of them look good. But the lip syncing ruins everything. Ashlee Simpson would vomit on herself. 

Then the Idols give Paula flowers, Ryan stops her from tripping over her own heels, she cries, and I roll my eyes about how I hope they never let these people ‘sing’ and dance at the same time on my television again. 

Back from the commercial, the girls are gone. Presumably changing out of the hideous disco dance outfits. The guys are sitting on the couch while Ryan introduces the commercial. It is the Idols baking cupcakes in someone’s  kitchen. Then Matt grows a beard and works at a construction site. Hot. Oh, the other guys are there too. But maybe not all of them. I can’t tell. It moves too fast and I can’t type and watch at the same time.

Last night, Lil still didn’t know who she was. Ryan sends her to the far side of the stage.  I IMed to someone, “What if right now Ryan was like ‘You’re going home.’” And then he totally does! She sings again but for no reason. Man, I wish I had some snacks in the kitchen so I could use this moment to go get some.  The judges are all like, “You’ll go so far in your life! This is only the beginning!” Except Simon, who I guess declines to speak. 

Then there is some old lady here to sing ‘Band Of Gold‘.

Kauly Jo: who is this woman?

Kauly Jo: and why is she singing K-Lo's song sucky?

roarimaraptor: ha!

roarimaraptor: i don't know

Then another old lady who walks like she’s drunker than Paula’s ever been sings a song I do not know.  

OMG, and then there’s somebody else!! He’s old too!! Him I know though. Someone of the Sunshine Band, with half naked women dancing around him. That thing I said earlier about wishing I had snacks in the kitchen? Now I wish I had a sparkly beverage of some kind that I could go get during this. Or I wish I had to pee. The Idols are swaying along to the music, but I wonder if they even really care. You couldn’t pay me to care. I would just stand there and sway side to side, thinking about what I’m going to eat after the show. That’s how boring this is. It’s enough to make me wish Danny would sing again. I’d almost rather be watching Fringe, and you heard my thoughts on Fringe yesterday. 

TCreature3: i wish they would keep their camera on Adam

roarimaraptor: yeah, we wouldn't miss anything happening on the stage

TCreature3: just hookers

Ryan calls this a shocking double elimination, even though it’s not shocking, since we’ve known since the season started that they would do a double elimination. Don’t make me want to slap you Seacrest. 

Last night, Kris figuratively wore women’s underwear, but tonight, he is safe. Adam was awesome last night and he tries to explain why he’s awesome and Ryan interrupts and is just like, “Sit down.” Danny stands up and… this is what happened. For a second, I looked into his eyes and thought they were pretty. I feel so dirty. Like dirty in my soul. But then I realized who I was looking at and that he was making that smile I’ve named the “Summer’s Eve Fart” smile and I got over it. Kris is safe and Anoop is in the bottom 3. 

Allison and Matt, arms around each other….  Matt is safe and totally shocked that he is safe. Which puts Allison in the bottom 3. I am happy and sad about this at the same time. I love Allison, don’t love Anoop.

Archie!! I forgot how much I loved him. He’s doing ‘Touch My Hand’ but I was hoping for ‘A Little Too Not Over You’. I still want to cuddle him, stick him a car seat, and take him out for ice cream. Maybe push him on the swings on the park. Then he can introduce me to Cook, and I’ll drop him off at a babysitters so Cook and I can get busy. 

True story: One time, my friend and I drew this cartoon about our future. I would marry Joey from NKOTB and her Jordan or Jon.. Or Donny. I don’t know, one of them. But anyway, in the cartoon we’d “Get married, have kids, leave the kids with the babysitter, and then get busy”. I guess we didn’t realize getting busy came before the kids did. But I digress.

This season has started to grow on me, but man, I still miss The Davids. I miss last season. I miss last season so much. It hurts my heart. I don’t even know why.

Archie is touring with Mcfly in Europe! Oh, how I wish I lived in Europe! Or did they say England… are England and Europe the same thing? I should brush up my geography. He’s adorable… but anyway, back to Anoop and Allison… Anoop is gone. WHOOOO!! 

His stubble actually looks kind of good… why did the guys all decide to grow stubble this week? 

Goodbye packages. Plenty of tears, but none from me. 

I’m not a complete narcissist… or maybe I am. I don’t know, but I’m curious how many people are reading this season.  With everyone moving from myspace to face book, my comments have dropped considerably and I can’t get a blog read count anymore. So now I’m curious.  Just take this poll.

http://www.createfreepolls.com/vote/Are_you_reading_these_super_delicious_recaps%3F