Idol Recap!

As I mentioned last week, I moved the recap over to a domain so I don't have to post this in 6 different places anymore. I'll post a reminder tomorrow and maybe the following week, after that, you're on your own. Bookmark it!! http://idolrecaps.com/

1/20/10 – Titles are for squares

I’m eating a Kit Kat. Be jealous, bitches.

The show starts with a rocket launching into space, but I can’t hear what’s happening because the TV is muted because my parents always get phone calls during Idol because they only know inconsiderate people.

Okay, volume back up. We are in Orlando. But then Ryan and Randy are in Miami. But then they got in a plane and went back to Orlando. What? I don’t know. But you guys, Kristin Chenowith is the guest judge tonight. I’m jealous, bitches. I wish she was like my cousin or something. Her and Kara bond immediately upon meeting and before you know it they are holding hands and high fiving and wearing boob-showing dresses. And then, Glee!!! A scene from Glee!! Wow, I’m a nerd.

Anyway, Kristin and her nervous-self are still walking around in the boob-showing dress, while Ryan encourages a douche bag with shit on his face and a scarf to act more like a douche bag with shit on his face and a scarf. But this scarf is like a scarf that becomes a cape. He – Theo, be thy name - makes Adam Lambert look like the straightest straight person who ever straighted. Simon asks him where he sees himself in ten years should he win Idol. I know he wants to say that he wants to be on stage at an awards show miming oral sex with his back-up dancers, but instead he says he wants to own a salon. Which, auditioning for a singing competition is the first logical step to achieving that dream. He sings ‘Heart breaker’, and it might be good, but he’s yelling it so loud it’s hard to tell. He drops the name of J-Hud and they’re all like, “No. You’re not like J-Hud.”

Kristin says, “No, not for this, but…not for this.”, then Kara takes him into her arms and coddles him and then they “wrong way” him as he leaves. Which isn’t as funny as wrong door, but amusing still.

Ryan wants to ask his friend out in the holding area if he’s Theo boyfriend, but doesn’t want to say the words so instead he just points at him and says “Are you….. ?“ and then pulls the sequins and glitter off of Theo’s face.

I’m playing Farmville during commercial break, because if I don’t, my attention span will wander and the next thing you know, it’s 8 o’clock and I’ve missed the rest of the show. I sometimes need to keep myself engaged. I spend half my time at work waiting for and riding on elevators, so I carry my iPod around with me so I have something to do. Not because I want my boss to catch me and fire me, but because if I don’t, my ADD will kick in, I’ll walk out to the parking lot, drive home, and play Sims 3 for an hour before realizing I’m supposed to be at work. So… yeah. Farmville may be a good thing.

Guy in a chicken suit. Kara and Kristin are in love and planning to get married as soon as they’re done with this here slumber party they’re having with Simon and Randy. If Simon doesn’t stab one or both of them first.

So Samuel’s son has autism. This is just rotten Idol. I can’t bitch about the sob stories because the kid is like 4. How evil would I be? But still, you know how I feel about sob stories.

The kid throws a tantrum when Daddy goes in to audition, which makes me lose all sympathy I just had. I hate whining, tantrum throwing kids. He doesn’t mention the autism in the audition, which is good though. And then he sings nice and gets four yeses.

Speaking of 4 year-olds, this morning I tweeted, “Tell me why you’re so hard to forget.” to David Archuleta. I think I’m going to tweet random past Idol contestants randomly and see if I ever get responses. I mean, I’m sure I won’t, but it would be funny to put what I do say in the recaps every week. I also tweeted “That’s what she said.” In response to something David Cook’s brother tweeted.

… I’m using the word “tweeted” correctly, right? I don’t know, I’m still kind of new. I’m not hip to the lingoes the kids are using nowadays. Anyway, I “followed” a bunch of old contestants today, but so far I can’t think of clever things to say. But in due time, due time.

People walk around, auditioners make hand signs at the camera, Ryan gets nervous next to a tall guy, a hot guy is hot but they say no, and then people jump around, and Simon makes jazz hands.

Randy tells Jermaine not to be “skurred” and he’s like “I’m not, because I have an awesome voice. A voice so

awesome that Randy will raise his eyebrows and Kristin C. will make love to me with her eyes and Kara’s dress will be very boob-showey and she’ll compliment my eyes and I will get 4 yeses.”

And all of this comes true!

There is one person left in the holding area with her “thoughts” which I imagine aren’t really as many as Ryan suggests there may be. She can’t use the right side of her face because of some condition I missed the name of. I kind of like her so far, minus the sob story. But you can see it on her face, so I guess she kind of has to explain it which isn’t the same as a sob story. Don’t you guys just love my double standards? Anyway, she has a really good voice. Then she forgets the words and curses and everybody laughs. She gets a yes with a small y from Simon, three big letters from Randy, and yeses from the girls.

By the way, Kristin’s Coke cup is bigger than she is. I’m afraid she might fall over and drown in it.

A bunch of people get golden tickets and yell and scream over a song that I like but don’t know and google doesn’t recognize it either.

During commercial, I put my dog’s toy on top of her head and waited to see how long it took her to find it.

Kristin had to leave and so on day two it’s just the regular judges and Randy in a shirt that says “seriously”.

Jay Stone beatboxes and a)I didn’t like it the first time when his name was Blake Lewis and b)it’s not even singing. I’m going to take this moment to finish my Kit Kat from earlier. Kara catches the Randy Jackson Dumb-Shit Disease and gives him a yes. She forces Randy to give him a yes against Simon and my better judgement.

A girl sings good, but looks like someone I wouldn’t get along with. A bunch of girls who’ve already been in the top 12 audition and get yeses so they can make it through and go to the top 12 again.

Cornelius claims to have learned his dance skills from strippers. He does the splits and his pants rip down the middle and so just for that, Simon gives him a yes.

Not a single person IMed me during the show tonight, so that’s why there are no convo quotes tonight. I guess people just don’t like Orlando. Or Kristin Chenowith. Or maybe me.

Two whores who have barely kept their clothes on have themselves all over Ryan. Ugh. Well, maybe I shouldn’t judge so quickly. They seem like they might be nice girls, but it’s hard to tell with all the skin I can see. Sister number 1 is good, but nothing I’d remember mixed amongst 11 other contestants. Sister number 2 is better than sister 1 but I don’t know about her either. I can’t really pay attention because a) Sister number 1’s boobs are behind her bothering me, and b) David Cook’s face is covered in that poster behind them. Not by her boobs, just by something. A map of the world, it looks like. Which is kind of like boobs. But not really.

They beg the judges and Randy gets confused and then they all give yeses.

A white boy in a backwards cap sings horrible and they don’t stop him, they just let it keep going. Kara and Randy exchange horrified expressions, but still, they don’t stop him. He said he was singing this song to “give it up for God”, but it’s like he’s shitting on a bible. They tell him no, but he won’t leave, and then he talks like he doesn’t know he’s white, and then he sings some more, and moves his hands around, and keeps on singing, and God, I wanna give this bitch the flu. Randy calls security, who show up 5 minutes later, which is long enough for him to have killed everyone and hid their bodies and made it halfway to the train station. They finally come in and drag him out. Like, literally drag him out, down on the ground, handcuffs, and cops. After he’s long gone, Simon goes, “Yes or no?” HA! I will miss you, Simon. I will miss you.

Matt Lawrence – not the hot one of the Lawrence brothers – but just some guy from the south. He went on an “adventure” one time, robbed a bank with a bbgun like a dipshit, and then spent four years in jail. Yeah, cry about it now, but serves you right to rob a bank. He’s auditioning to make his family proud. But if he gets cut, is he going to shoot Seacrest with a bbgun? Because he bruises like a peach!!

I wonder if Seacrest would hire me to be his personal bodyguard. I mean, if some guy came at him with a knife or a bbgun, I'd be gone like Paris Hilton's virginity, but otherwise, in the safety of his own home, I am so there. Serving and protecting.

Anyway, Matt’s voice is very nice. Simon calls it “brilliant”.

I just noticed that Randy is wearing a playskool watch that has a yellow face, one half of the band is pink and

other half is blue. I’d like to see that on Seacrest.

Next week, LA and fucking Katy Perry.

Just so you guys know, I’m debating getting a domain and posting the recaps on there. At current count, I post this recap in 6 different places and I’m already sick of it and it’s only been 4 days. So I figure to save myself trouble, I’ll make myself one fancy place to post. And also, I can archive all the old recaps in case anyone (ie, me) ever gets bored and wants something to read. I’m still on the fence, but if I decide to do it, I’d like to have it up by next week, the following week at the latest. I’ll keep you updated.

Also, Human Target is lame. Don’t bother watching it. You're welcome.

1/19/10 - I want to stab people who use the phrase “Chi-town”.

Let me tell you guys a story. My friend auditioned for season 4 in two different cities. St. Louis and Las Vegas. I went along for moral support, but also, ya know, Seacrest, cause he’s always there. But of course, his ass didn’t show up in either city. I was kind of like, meh, whatever, cause he had a talk show and it was magical and it required his time and utmost care. But then the next season, we were going to go to the auditions in Chicago but at the last minute, my friend decided she was feeling too under the weather to go, so we didn’t. Who did I see on the news that night? Gallivanting in Chicago, not 45 minutes from my home? Seacrest!! That son of a bitch. We didn’t speak for months, until I got over it.

Ryan compares auditioning for American Idol to being president and then we see footage of Obama.

Shania Twain changed the face of music, yada yada, yada, blah blah blah. I want to hear Seacrest sing ‘I Feel Like A Woman’, even though I have an audio clip of him singing a song that goes “got a nice package alright, think I’m gonna have to ride it tonight” and nothing can beat that.

Kaitlin from didn’t want to audition even though her mom told her she should every year, but she thought she was above the show so she always said no. And her parents are divorced. Blah, blah, blah. I DON’T CARE ABOUT SOB STORIES!! Especially not at this point. Save it for the video packages once you’ve made it to the top 12. Or better yet, post-Idol. I wanted to do this huge rant about sob stories, but I’m lazy. So just shut the fuck up. Her voice is good, but annoying, but maybe I’m just already annoyed because of the sob story. Or maybe I just don’t like songs by Duffy. I don’t know. I’m just not into her. Her hair is too big. It’s full of secrets. And not good ones.

Amy is a chubby girl – who kinds of looks like a chubby Rachel from Glee, only not hot - who thinks that all she has to do is “wait in line for a few hours and become famous.” Then she tries to hit on Seacrest! Set her on fire!! Somebody set her on fire!! Ryan’s clearly not having any of it, so he practically shoves her into the judges room, where she lays on the floor, sings bad, and then bounces her boobs to the beat of the music. They all give her a no.

Charity is a stupid name. And she’s singing ‘Summertime’. I’d say I was listening, but the reality is I can’t stop staring at David Cook on the poster behind her and hearing dirty music in my head.

roarimaraptor: i wasn't watching because i want to do dirty things to that david cook poster behind her

Kel: calm down hooker

roarimaraptor: gasp!

roarimaraptor: hookers do it for the money

Kel: ok...calm down slut

roarimaraptor: that's better

roarimaraptor: i can't even get any respect over here

Kel: cause you're a slut.

roarimaraptor: don't judge me!

Since its commercial break, I should tell you guys about how I tried to teach my 4 year-old niece to call Ryan, “Uncle Seacrest”, and now somehow she thinks he’s her father.

Back from commercial break, a bunch of crazy people audition, including a lady on an accordion and a guy in his underwear, a girl in a wedding gown, and of course, a bunch of bitches who can’t sing. God, I really love the positioning of David’s picture behind them. Seriously. I’d watch this show just for that if I had no other reason.

Simon is accosted in the hallway for telling some lady’s daughter she can’t sing. Simon’s all like, “You still like me.” And walks away.

So Angela made it to Hollywood in season… some other season that wasn’t this one. She had to drop out because she had to go to traffic court. That’s what you get for speeding, bitch. Speeding will fuck up your life!! Learn from Angela’s lesson! I don’t like her, not only because she’s just another annoying voiced black singer, it’s because she has three sob stories rolled into one. The handicapped daughter, the dad who was killed, and the traffic ticket. Not that the first two aren’t horrid things, but shut up about them. Do you think you’d get hired for a job if you brought a sob story to your audition? But anyway, I’m too lazy to rant. The judges trick her into thinking it’s a no and then tell her yes. Like the Buttabi brothers. “You two are brothers?” “No…. YES!!”

Some cute guys get through to Hollywood, some not-so-cute guys get through too. Then probably some girls too.

Kauly Jo: dude, was that kris allen?

Kauly Jo: didn't someone tell him he won?

Commercial break tidbit:

For those of you who don't know, last week I yelled at Ryan Seacrest on his Twitter to start spelling his words out right, rather than using "u" and "ur".

blozor636: I don't think Ryan's the kind of guy who can handle being yelled at by a chick.

roarimaraptor: he needs to spell right if he wants to stay in this relationship

You won’t believe this, but after the commercial, a bunch of idiots scream about how they ARE the next American Idol. And then Randy Jackson yells into a camera about Jennifer Hudson, even though the week she got eliminated there was a huge power outage due to a tornado in Chicago and apparently none of her fans could vote for her, but really I think it was just the wind trying to take her down. It wooshed past my house yelling, “Take that, Jennifer Hudsoooooooooooooooooooooooooooon.”

People audition, don’t make it, and Ryan acts cute. This guy named Brian claims he sang for troops while in the service, then he comes in and sings, his voice hideously similar to a cat being slaughtered. He calls the judges, “Mr. Cowell and Mr. Jackson” and insists that his audition is not a joke. Now he’s tired and going home to take a bath and relax his thoughts. That’s seriously what he said. But I can’t tell if he’s trying to be funny or not.

TCreature3: OMG WTF

TCreature3: now i feel bad for the troops he was singing to

Ryan’s upset out in the hall that nobody is getting golden tickets. Blame it on the city smog and traffic, Ryan. Or you can blame it on the rain, it was falling falling. Except, it wasn’t raining. I just wanted to quote Milli Vanilla.

Harold looks like every famous black guy I’ve ever seen, except for Jay-z, who just has a very unfortunate face. He singing an Usher song, which isn’t horrible, but not great either. Or as he claims it, he has allergies. Then he cries like a big dumb sissy baby. They coddle him, but I’d be all like, “Man up, fuck tard!” Not that men can’t cry, but shut up, Harold. And get some pampers for you and your brother while you’re at it. Speaking of crying, I wonder if I went in there and cried hard enough, if they’d let me just take a knife and cut out around David’s body in that poster.

An Asian boy sings pretty. Shania either likes his butt or his lower range, I’m not sure. She hasn’t said much tonight and as soon as she starts talking, it’s worse than anything Paula’s ever done, and Paula’s things have involved under-aged boys.

TCreature3: i think they make them be on drugs like Paula to fill the void

All the judges say yes, and his friends out in the hall react as if he’s the first person ever to get a golden ticket… hmmm, I wonder who was the first person EVER to get a yes to Hollywood?

Ryan hangs out in the holding area and pressures them into getting golden tickets since there haven’t been very many thus far.

God, again with the sob stories. I refuse to even discuss it. Did you see David Cook walking in here moaning about his dying brother? No! Is it tragic? Yes. Does it have anything to do with whether or not you can sing? No! If you use something in your life - whether it be your cancer, your family member’s cancer, the asthma attack you had that one time, or the bunion your mom has - to garner sympathy or to get an edge, then you’re a jack-ass. If you let the show do it for you, then you’re a weak jack-ass and this business is gonna eat you alive anyway.

I guess I wasn’t so lazy for a rant after all.

I’m skipping her mostly, except to say that her voice is good but I’ve already been tainted and find her annoying, but it’s funny that Randy jerks her around forever before giving her a yes. Next.

I don’t understand why the tie goes to the yeses. I think it should be settled by Ryan and I wrestling in Jello. I haven’t decided all the rules yet, but I’ll work it out by next season.

A bunch of people get yeses, including one cute guy who we already saw get through earlier. Stupid editors. Pay attention and quit drooling over the Cook poster!

I will miss this show so much when it’s gone. Which, by the way, if and when this show gets cancelled, I'm going to spend the rest of my life wandering around the streets homeless and singing 'I Will Survive' to myself. And I'll hold Simon Cowell personally responsible. Just thought you guys should know.

See ya tomorrow!!

1/13/10 – Where’s your crown, King Nothing?

Was this show on yesterday? I already feel like I can't remember it. However, I do remember reading yesterday that Idol Chat won't be on anymore because Kimberly Caldwell is "embarking on a full-time singing career"..... HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh my god. I can't breath. Give me a second.... HAHAHAHA!! .... HAHAHAHAHA! It won't stop! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Ow, my stomach. Seriously, I haven't laughed this hard since that time Aaron Carter remade 'I Want Candy'. Who's supporting this singing career? You couldn't pay me to listen to anything she records and I have 200+ Idol related songs AND Paris Hilton on my ipod. I'm one of three people in the whole country who think the coronation songs are magic, particularly 'No Boundaries' and 'Inside Your Heaven'. You know that says a lot ABOUT Caldwell. It says more about Caldwell than it does about me and my iPod. I'm just sayin'. I still want to know where David Cook went wrong there. I hope in my psychology class this semester that I get an answer to that. Though I suspect the answer would involve the words “blow job” and “easy”.

We are in Atlanta tonight and nobody who’s auditioning knows that Ryan was born there. Seriously, he asks everybody. And they don’t know. And then Mary J. Blige is there and I don’t even care. She brought her kids along like the auditions are an effin’ day care center. I mean, if Paula were here, they sort of would be. But she’s not.

blozor636: Oh God. I'm glad they didn't choose Mary. It would be like two Randys, and one is enough.

blozor636: They would just have entire conversations that go "Dawg." "Dawg." "Dawg." "Dawg?" "Dawg!”

It’s funny when black guys are nerds. Dewone Robinson made up a song once and his brother and sister said, why did you do that, and then he grew up and came to audition for American Idol. He’s singing what I guess is that same song, in 8 different voices. There’s only one word to the song apparently and it’s “laty”. And then, I’m not sure what’s happening, but there’s some arguing and I look away and write some other stuff, and when I come back again, he’s still singing the “laty” song and the judges are still pretending he has a chance. Then Randy starts yelling, “Security!!” like he didn’t encourage this guy to act like an ass in the first place.

I forgot to mention the glass, Willy Wonka elevator that takes the contestants up to the audition room and then back down again. Is this because those Italian boys tried to smash Ryan? Is this to keep him safe? I think it is.

You know, we have at least 2 more weeks of these auditions left, but I’m already done with them. I wish I could skip them, but I made a commitment.

You remember that blind guy last year? The one I almost married over the summer? If his hair grew a little bit longer and exploded with the intensity of Chicago humidity… and also, was a black girl, you’d get Keia Johnson. She sings (read: yells) about how we are safe in her heart and her heart will go on and on. She gets through.

Some people are annoying but get yeses anyway, and then somebody sings The Climb, and you know it’s the beginning of everybody singing The Climb. You know it! And when it happens, you know I called it yesterday.

But first up is Jermaine, who lives not far from me. Interesting. I know a black guy. Maybe it’s him. His voice is good, but the hat… not so much. He’s in.

Um, I missed a few things, because someone IMed me about handcuffs and I was thinking about David Cook and Ryan Seacrest in handcuffs and jeans and other varying degrees of things. When I looked up, bad things were happening. A girl was singing and then crying about how it’s her passion and making everybody uncomfortable. Don’t let your dreams hang all out like that! You’re embarrassing us all and making us twitchy.

Hot guy sucks is denied. Girl that guys probably think is hot is denied. More people denied. A bunch of really tall girls in a row denied.

Then Vanessa Wolfe jumps off a bridge – because she is a “bridge jumper” - like the Hillbilly she apparently is. Ya know, with the hillbilly music playing and the Tennessee accent. I kind of like her. She bought a dress for 4 dollars at the dollar store and is afraid the judges are going to look down on her. Awww. They will Vanessa. They will. But I like you. I can’t tell if she’s good or not. She’s like Kellie Pickler, but with that twangy-ness that Dolly Parton has.

I should mention how hot Ryan is today. Geez. Someone turn a fan on me.

Anyway, Simon says she’s ill-prepared for this, but distinct and authentic. She gets 4 yeses. She’s like that boy I loved… what was his name? The one who had never sang in front of anybody but a turkey? I dunno, but she’s like the female version of him. I really like her. Ya know, besides the misfortunate dress. And I rarely ever like the girls. Proven by this unrelated convo I had today at work:

Coworker - Women are only good for one thing, right? Laundry.

Me - Shut up. And cooking.

Oh, I am so sexist. Watch this video I made with one of my peeps (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaKpm4LdLaA). The girls on a livejournal community that I refuse to name outloud, called us racist, sexist, and everything in-between.

Back from commercial, Ryan is wearing something different, but he’s still looking good. He’s talking to another hillbilly who almost died 3 times. They do a “cheap dramatization” of all three times. It’s funny, but Ryan just stares at him in the waiting area. I love watching him “interview” these people. He doesn’t have to do anything but stand there and let them talk circles around themselves. I was making screen caps from last night’s show and in every single one he’s making exactly the same face no matter how long the scene goes on. It’s awesome. But anyway, the guy is really bad and Mary laughs so hard it looks like she might be having a seizure. That’s just rude. Get off the stage, bitch. Or out of that chair, whatever. I mean, it’s funny that stupid people think they can sing, but this guy doesn’t have two brain cells to rub together. He’s not even smart enough to know you’re laughing at him. That’s wrong. People need to deserve having that kind of shit done right in front of their faces.

Montage of people crying.

Mmmm, David Cook. Mmmm, Matt Giraud. Mmmmm, Kris Allen. We’re seeing a montage of all the old Idols who played instruments on stage. You’re not allowed to bring instruments into auditions, but this girl, who looks like she might be Kellie Pickler’s younger sister is dressed like a guitar. And wearing glasses shaped like guitars. Her voice is awesome, but Mary doesn’t get her. Yeses from everybody else.

You know what would be funny? If someone pretended they didn't get a golden ticket when they really did get a golden ticket. That'd be genius! Oh look, she just did it!! So funny.

A boy who looks like a cat, a boy named Hansel singing Reflection, a gay boy who loves Britney Spears. Nos all around.

Right now my mom is getting all indignant because Mary can’t seem to find the time to pay attention to this girl with big boobs who is singing a country song. The judges and Mary love her.

A montage of people getting golden tickets and yelling and being excited. Then a montage of me being hungry but too lazy to get up and make a sandwich.

Two things. 1) A new Bones tomorrow!! YAY!! 2) Kelly Clarkson likes Bones. YAY!

Skiboski is a pimp with the Idol logo shaved into his head. If I ever lose my hair for whatever reason, I want Ryan’s name shaved in it. For reals.I hope he isn’t good, cause I don’t want to deal with him. Damn it, he’s good. He’s singing that song about the grapevine that spreads rumors about people and he heard it. He says something that confuses even Randy, and everybody but the guys like him. So he’s through to Hollywood. Randy calls him “skiblowski” cause he’s an idiot.

Carmen and Lauren are stupid BFFs and are auditioning together and one of them isn’t wearing pants. Didn’t these two girls audition together last year? Ryan asks how long they’ve been friends, but accentuates the friends part. Then Kara hints around about whether or not they’ve made porn together or plan on making porn together. They act like stupid, pointless teenagers until Simon forces them to shut up and audition. The one who isn’t wearing pants sings boring and the other one, who also isn’t wearing pants, is a little better, but not by much. She’s basically desecrating a Kelly Clarkson song. I’m not impressed. In fact, I’m shaking my fist at the Kelly abuse. Simon calls them ditz and forces the rest of the judges to tear apart their friendship by saying yes to one of them and no to the other. But they’re basically the same person in different color shirts anyway, so what’s the difference.

During commercial break, I went to go make a peanut butter sandwich and got bit in the butt by a dog on the way.

Girls, girls, girls, and more girls who can’t sing. Then a girl, who might be a boy, or maybe a boy as a girl, I’m not sure, but he/she can’t sing.

Simon gets up and walks away. I don’t know why. My mom is on the phone and won’t shut up! Just chit-chatting like we’re not watching something. The manners in this house, I swear.

Anyway, Bryan is a cop, and he’s got a good voice.

Kauly Jo: i already wanna marry this guy

roarimaraptor: me too

Kauly Jo: i called it first. step off bitch

roarimaraptor: hehe

Kauly Jo: because marriage should be like shotgun

roarimaraptor: HA!

Randy’s all syched like, “Dawg! Cops can’t sing but then you came in and you sang and you totally faked us out! I’m an idiot, dawg!” I’m paraphrasing. Bryan’s on to Hollywood.

A guy with a beard acts stupid and can’t listen and keeps bursting into song. And then Mary J. Blige won’t shut up about whatever it is she won’t shut up about. And then he leaves cursing and then comes back and starts singing again until security literally has to drag his ass out. Even the people in the elevator with him are standing as far from him as they can. They’re like pressed against the walls. Ha! What a dumbass.

Last audition is a 62 year old homeless man, singing an original called, Pants On the Ground. I love this guy. I hope this song will be sold on iTunes later tonight, because this is awesome. I want this ringtone!

Randy gets up and starts singing the song with him, and then later(earlier?) does it for Ryan while doing sit-ups and then later everybody in the holding area sings it. Awesome. I want this guy to win.

I’m already wore down to a tiny little nub from these 3 and a half hours, but we’ll be back next week for some more. Out.

1/12/09 – Stop singing forever

It is time, my friends. It is time. I came here to write recaps and chew bubble gum... and I'm all out of bubble gum.

But before I begin another season of recaps, I think it's only fair to inform you of the 3 life altering events that happened to me since last we spoke. They have forever changed my outlook on life. 1) I got an iTouch. 2) I got an Xbox (with Xbox live and Netflix, which means my family, friends, and dvr never see me anymore). and 3) I turned 30. Also, I developed a crush on Zachary Quinto that rivals most others. David Cook wouldn't stop seeing other skanky women and Seacrest wouldn't commit to me, so what else was I supposed to do? Ya know that whole should have put a ring on it thing? Well, they should have. Cause when you don't, people move on. So let that be a lesson to all of you. Especially you Zachary. Especially you.

But the one good thing about this show is that it usually reminds me of why I loved Seacrest in the first place. It's why we've had such a long, draw out, rocky relationship. I always come back, because if Lady Gaga exists for only one reason, it is to remind us that when it's love if it's not rough it isn't fun. And these auditions are nothing if not rough.

But seriously, you guys, I'm concerned. Without Paula, what will I make fun of? I mean, besides the bounty that is the rest of the show.

My psychic claim for this season: Everyone's going to audition with The Climb and ruin the magic for me.
My hopes for this season: That Seacrest will try to talk to a deaf person and someone will sing a stirring rendition of 'Springtime for Hitler'.

On to the recap!!

Ew, Avril Lavigne is going to be a guest judge. And then there’s Ellen! WHOO!!! But that is not tonight, that is weeks away.
Tonight, we are in Boston. Ryan is looking delicious in a black t-shirt. I want to eat him like a piece of fried chicken. I remember why I love him now.
9,000 people are standing in the rain, screaming about how they are all the next American Idol, and a boy is wearing a tiara and wings. Awesome, I hope we get to see his audition.

Ryan is wearing jeans, and then everybody freaks out about Kara. I have nothing to say to or about Simon tonight.
Posh Spice – who may or may not have a real name, which may or may not only be “David Beckham’s wife” – is the guest judge today, but she kind of looks like a mannequin that got up and started walking around. And developed an English accent. Shut up, Victoria. You look like plastic and wax.

A girl drinks water in a bathroom, jumps up and down and yells, and then scares Ryan out in the hall. Then she comes in and jumps around in front of the judges and… I just remembered Paula was gone. I’m sad. It’s like she’s dead, only she’s not. Anyway, jumping girl Janet sings and it’s horrible. I don’t know why she even came here today. Even the computer versions of the judges in the Idol video game told her wasn’t going to Hollywood time and time again. But she showed up anyway. And also, she thinks Kara is Paula.

Does Luke Wilson do anything but make phone commercials? I swear there’s a new one every day.

Maddie is 16 years old and 9 of 12 kids. She has a brother with Down syndrome, so her family decided to adopt a bunch of other kids with Down syndrome. That is many levels of awesome. I hope they let her through to Hollywood. She sings I don’t know, but the title alone makes the judges all go “OOOOOOH!” Then she sings it and I’m all “OOOOOH!” She’s awesome and through to Hollywood. Awww, Ryan hugs the Down syndrome kid. I love him.

But God, I’m so sick of looking at Vitoria Beckham. It’s only been 19 minutes and I’m already sick of her face. If you can call it that. She looks like something risen from some sort of dead.

Kauly Jo: who let the mummy loose??? and where the fuck is brendan fraser when you need him???

Douchebag in the holding area acts like a douche bag. Then another one does it again, only he also yells, “Holla!!!” a dozen times and gets punched in the face. He’s so gay. And he’s singing womanizer. Or rather, “singing” womanizer. It’s actually fun, but then gets annoying. Go home. I’m sick of you already. He calls Simon “Sassy Simon”. HAHA!! I’ve changed my mind, I like him. Not his voice though. They should do a show, like The Real World, where people just hang out, only not with douchebags. With actually cool people.

A bunch of girls are awesome, but I generally don’t approve of females on this show, so whatevs. It’s weird, but all these girls look like Kara in different wigs. I don’t know what you’re playing at Idol, but I’ll find out. Mark my words!
In the holding area, Ryan slowly backs away from a guy whose pecs are the size of Ryan’s entire body. He’s large and Italian with a large, Italian family. They eat lots of cheese and sausage and bread. But can he sing? I don’t know. His video package goes on so long, I almost wander away to make some spaghetti. But then woah, he sings. Loud and proud. He’s Simon’s favorite audition thus far. He gets 4 yesses. Him and his Italian brothers almost kill Ryan in their celebration. Then Ryan runs away, because he can’t handle so much testosterone.

Derrick got into music during the lowest peak in his life, which I’m guessing was like homeroom class, since he looks like he’s still in high school.
There’s a video montage of him being all one with nature. Kissing flowers and hugging the air. He looks like Ace Young if Ace were younger, blonde, dirty, and not cute. He likes Chris Brown, which I guess means he approves of domestic abuse. God, his singing is domestic abuse. He wouldn’t even need to hit his woman, just start singing like a schizophrenic. Then he walks outside and becomes one with nature again. I wish he’d stop talking about touching me. Go touch a tree, dude. Trees don’t mind weirdos.

Simon makes a bunch of people cry over the sounds of ‘Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word’. And then omg, they bring up Bikini Girl. Let her die, Idol!! Let her die!!

ANOTHER new Luke Wilson phone commercial! Did he just film this?! Make it stop!

Stupid people with stupid hair and stupid anime obsessions stand out in the rain. And by people, I mean one girl in particular who keeps kicking and punching the air. Ryan gets confused and calls her a “Fashionista”. She wants to become a singer… in Japan. I’m sure Japan has an Idol show of their own, why don’t they go there? Even Ryan is looking at her like he just can’t handle her. And he’s Ryan Seacrest! There’s nothing that man can’t handle! He finds nothing annoying!

She sings real bad, and when Simon tells her the truth that she sucks, she argues, and they have to tell her the truth that her vocal coaches were liars, or quite possibly just drunk homeless guys she’s calling her vocal coaches. She cries and yells, “How dare you!” at the cameras.

Randy thinks “anime” is a thing a person can be. Oh Randy. Welcome back.

Mmmmm, hot guy gets a yes. It’s like Matt Giraud part 2. Guy who’s not hot with a good voice gets a yes. Oh God, it’s one of the douchebags from the holding room earlier. He looks like the combination of a bunch of separate douches combined into one and then wearing stupid glasses and having an attitude. God, he’s a dick. This makes me miss even Danny Gokey. Omg, I’d marry Danny Gokey instead of even look at this guy. Simon tells him to stop being a smartass or he can leave, but he just starts acting like a passive-aggressive smartass instead.

Mom - You know who he reminds me of?
Me - A douchebag?

I bet he leads a double life as a serial killer. Kara asks him why he’s so angry, and he says he’s mad from waiting all day, and she tells him off, and he stabs her with his eyes. They all say no. Instead of leaving, he just acts like an ass prompting Kara to ask him if he’s ever had a girlfriend. Then he stabs her with his eyes again. I’m surprised this guy is such a huge douche and I haven’t dated him yet.

2 gay guys audition in a row and they both sound like Clay Aiken drunk.

Ho hum, girl with a nice voice singing Alicia Keys and goes to Hollywood. But she doesn’t even try to hug Ryan. I don’t trust people who don’t try and hug Ryan when they get a chance. That is like my dream!

An hour into this and I haven’t wanted to marry anybody yet. This ain’t even right. I’m bored. I think I’m gonna go wax my chin… but wait. A boy dressed like a hippie fell out of a tree and broke his wrists and is now singing ‘Let’s Get It On’.

Hmmm. Perhaps chin waxing can wait. I take back what I said. I want to marry him. Or at least let him try and get it on with me. His name is Tyler. Possible top twelve. Make note of it.

A bunch of people go to Hollywood.

Day 2 in Boston. Randy says that Simon was late for the second day of auditions because he out trying to find the Boston Tea Party. Oh Randy. Maybe you do have a purpose after all.

Lisa is a waitress who sings really bad and then walks out in slow motion. Guy sucks. William Hung’s little brother. Emo Goth Girl. Black Emo Goth Girl. Guy dressed like he’s marching band leader. A girl who can’t say “firefighter”. Cute boy named Mike. He has a guitar tattooed on his arm. Put him through! Oh wait, maybe we should hear him sing first. Mmmm, yes. Put him through. While the judges deliberate, Ryan hangs out with Mike’s mom, because he loves moms and nanas. Then Mike is through! I think I might want to marry him. Even though Ryan comes up to his shoulder and sort of acts like a frat boy.

I forgot to pay attention for a minute cause I was reading on textsfromlastnight.com, but when I looked up, a girl was crying about how her grandma has Alzheimer’s. That’s so sad. She’s awesome. She sounds like Carrie, but looks like Selena Gomez. This could work. She calls her grandma and grandma cries which makes Ryan cry.
Hot guy with good voice. He sounds like Rascal Flatt’s lead singer but looks like someone who’s face I can’t place. I would marry him. Simon thinks his voice doesn’t match his age. Randy makes him tell Simon to shut up. Then Simon makes him tell Randy to shut up. They’re trying to make him more assertive but he’s too nice for it to work. He’s through to Hollywood.

OMG! Another new Luke Wilson phone commercial! They must be filming these as the show is airing. “Hurry and edit this shit together! It’s almost a commercial break!”

blozor636: AT&T used to be Cingular, and I will never use them because of that.
roarimaraptor: also, they suck

Back from commercial, Ryan’s up on a rafter above the judges table talking softly. Almost in a seductive whisper. Yes, Ryan. I’ll do anything you say. I love you. Then a bunch of sucky guys ruin our moment by being sucky. Ryan tries to interview said sucky boys but I’d rather be at the dentist than hear about it.

I missed his name even though they’ve been showing him before every commercial break, but cute boy with facial hair was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, or as he thinks, he caught it while vacationing in Spain. Not to knock cancer survivors or anything, but he doesn’t even have cancer anymore, it’s been in remission for a while, so that’s kind of like false advertising right there. Trying to make us sound like he’s dying of it as we speak, so we must vote for him. I was all ready to break my no voting rule, you bastards. He’s singing that song I hate about the new dawn and the new day and the new light, but he’s pretty in the ear. He looks kind of like Ace too. Why does everybody look like varying degrees of Kara and Ace?!

Boy with crazy hair. His name is Norberto but he looks like Michael Jackson’s son Blanket if he were older with some crazy long hair and sang a Cascada song on Idol. He keeps forgetting the lyrics, but nobody wants to tell him he sucks, so they let him keep explaining that he’s nervous and starting over. Then Simon calls him weird and he nearly cries. Then the judges argue over whether he looks more like Michael or Janet.

I think this next kid is Nigerian, but I hope he doesn’t try to get Randy to help him transfer millions of dollars to his bank account. OMG! He’s singing ‘You Look So Good In Love’.

Kauly Jo: ok, a black guy is singing George Strait
Kauly Jo: put him through just for that!!
roarimaraptor: that's the best thing ever!

Everyone but Simon gives him a yes.

And this for no reason:

Kauly Jo: posh looks better on this day
roarimaraptor: like they rehydrated her
Kauly Jo: hehe
Kauly Jo: yes!

Omg, the show is almost over. I thought there was like 30 minutes left.

One girl left. She’s good, but… yeah. That’s all. She’s not slutty, at least. Not being slutty is always worth bonus points. Judges put her through as the best they’ve seen.

The end. I’m spent.

Back tomorrow!

I had to add ‘Seacrest’ to my spell-check dictionary just now.

May 20, 2009 - Some will win. Some will lose. Some were born to sing the blues.

So we've got the city boy, born and raised in South Detroit and the small town girl, living in a lonely world and they both took the midnight train going to American Idol… Oh wait. I'm sorry, I was watching Glee again right before this. I love that show already. But I hope Idol never pulls that crap with me where it airs one episode in May and then makes me wait until the fall to see the next. I will roll over on you!! Ask Melrose Place what happened when they left me with a cliff-hanger season finale. Go ahead and ask! They’ll tell you we never spoke again. That was 1995 and the scars STILL hurt. 

Anyway, THIS is American Idol. The guys are both dressed from head to toe in white, except for Adam’s black hooker boots. But damn, they both look good in their pants tonight. Yeah, I went there. I got dirty. Wanna make something of it? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

 

Ryan’s “dawg”, Randy, is wearing  a bow tie. Kara is wearing GIANT earrings.  Paula is wearing a dress the color of skin, so it’s almost like she’s not wearing anything at all. And Simon’s shirt is unbuttoned to like his 7th rib. And Carrie Underwood is looking purty in the audience tonight. I don’t know most celebrities by name, so I can’t specify who is here… but there are a lot of them here tonight. 

Adam is stunned by how many people are here, and his microphone isn’t working right so we don’t actually get to hear how stunned he really is. 

Mikalah Gordon is in Kris’s home town with a skin and hair color I hardly remember. She annoys a poor little girl who can’t form words. Paula’s daughter perhaps?

Carly Smithson and her ridiculous tattoo are in San Diego. I guess that means they’re won’t be any kind of fight off between her tattoo and Megan’s. That makes me sad. I was looking forward to that.

Remember how we hoped and prayed for so long for Danny Gokey to leave and then he finally did? Well, he's baa-ack. Never was there a better time to climb inside a staticy television set. Earlier this week, Danny said he loves Michael Sarver in the “right” way, meaning the non-gay way, which is offensive on several levels, not the least of them being that it was Danny’s mouth doing the talking. Him and Miss California should get married and have a bunch of babies so I can have more reasons not to want to go to Church. I want to make out with a chick now, just to show him. Where’s a Clarkson when you need one? I’m glad after tomorrow night I will never have to mention his name again. Oh wait… the tour. Well, from now on I’m going to call him ‘That Guy’.

That Guy and the other top 12 are singing that Pink song about how she wants to start a fight with her husband, but so what, cause she’s a rock star. I love that song so much that one time I was singing along to it at the Taco Bell drive thru without even realizing that my window was open. But so what, cause I am a rock star. I got my rock moves. In my car. 

I forgot about Jorge!! Wait… who’s this black girl? Was she in the top 13 before? I don’t recognize her. I don’t recognize any of these people!! But I do love this song. Everybody is dressed in white, like lovely lovely angels who‘s names I don‘t know. 

blozor636: It's cool how they let everyone wear their normal clothing styles, only in white. It's like what the past season would have looked like if all the contestants died in some horrible bus accident and competed in Heaven.

GASP! I forgot to look for Scott!! I was supposed to stare into his eyes and sing ‘You Found Me’. My bad, I guess. 

My husba-… I’m sorry. I mean, David Cook is here singing ‘Permanent‘. I can’t believe he’s singing this song. He wrote it about his brother who passed away like two weeks ago. That’s brave. I’d break into tears before even leaving the house. He’s guitar-less and dressed in a vest with a tiny tie. It’s acoustic almost all the way through, but then, unlike the album version, drums kick in. OMG, I love it. I want to marry David so much. Also, his drummer. And dude, Andy Skibb is hot. A man on piano is always hot. 

Kauly Jo: i love how he's dressed like a rockin' banker

Kauly Jo: "you want a loan for a fender?  righteous!!  go for it!"

This performance is going to be available on iTunes and the proceeds go to an organization that helps find a cure for brain cancer. I don’t participate in the iTunes, but I will tonight. 

Heh. Justin Guarini is ultra tanned.

So we’re doing the useless filler of handing out fake awards to the bad singers. I won’t go through it, but think of some of the weirdest male singers from the auditions and imagine them auditioning again and then one of them being here and being given an award. NICK NORMAN MITCHELL GENTLE!!!!!

And the winner is… Nick Mitchell!! He comes out from the audience in a hoodie and jeans because nobody told he was going to be winning anything. Then he rips his clothes off, yells “hit it”, and sings the usual song. Nicely played, Idol!! I forgive you for not giving me the Tattoo fight off I wanted.  HAHA! This is the best moment of the night. I don’t even need to watch the rest to tell you this is the best moment of the night. “Norman Gentle ‘09. Peace out.” HAHA!!

HA! Ryan is wearing Nick’s glasses and hair band. HAHAHA! Oh God, I love you Seacrest. This is a good night, so far. 

Oh wait. Nevermind. Lil is singing. But oooh, wait! Queen Latifah is singing with her. I love Queen Latifah like woah, you guys. Not in a lesbian way at all and not in that weird way where I want to turn into a dude, but just in a “she’s so awesome and Bringing Down The House is hilarious” kind of way. Is Eminem dancing back-up? 

Anoop is singing that song I hate about…. I don’t know what. ’I’m Yours’ I think.  I hate it. Alexis is singing with him and so is Jason Mraz. In other words, nothing I care to see or hear is happening on the screen right now, so I feel like leaving the room. Wait, the other Idols are joining them. Scott looks as out of place as he ever did. It must be so weird not to be able to see anything on that big ole stage in that big old room in that big ole city. If I was blind, I’d climb into a hole and never leave it. 

Video Montage of Kris Allen. He auditioned, he high-fived Smokey Robinson, he played piano, he made it to the finale. Kris and Keith Urban are singing ‘Kiss A Girl”. 

Note to self: Download this song later. But only audio, because Keith Urban plays guitar like he’s having  a seizure, and who wants to look at that. 

I think Justin Guarini and Paula went tanning together and fell asleep in the booth. Or somebody - I’d guess Ryan or Adam - ‘accidentally’ left them in there too long like that episode of Family Guy when Stewie got a tanning bed. Well done, boys. Well done. You’re still the prettiest two here tonight.

The 5 girls are singing ‘Glamorous’. It‘s aweful. It‘s so aweful. That’s why we haven’t seen another female on this show for like the last 6 weeks, aside from Allison. But then Fergie is here to save the night. She’s singing a song I love, ‘Big Girls Don’t Cry’. Do you guys remember when she was on Kids Incorporated? Man, did I love that show. Apparently, I just love singing shows. That show was lip synched to hell and back… but still. I loved it. By the way, the Black-eyes Peas look like thugs. I’d hate to run into them in a dark alley. Or even a well lit alley. And ha!! Things cut out while they were rapping. I wish it had lasted longer. This is annoying. And tell Fergie to put some pants on. They do some weird shit that would be cool if this was like that Randy Jackson dance show. But it’s not. So shut up and move on.  Except all the judges stand up and clap and Ryan calls them “number one”. Shut up, Seacrest. I never say that to you, but I say it now. 

Another award. “Best Attitude”. Nominees are Bikini Face, some crazy girl, and another crazy girl I don’t remember who chops up ‘Because of You‘ so badly that it kills Kelly Clarkson and then spins her around in her freshly dug grave. Ew, bikini on stage. I refuse to recap this part. Except that Ryan makes a joke about her new boob job. 

HA! Okay, but then Kara comes out singing and that is awesome. I mean, it would be awesome if it wasn’t Bikini Face on stage with her. Even David Cook is loving it. But he better be keeping his eyes to himself if he knows what’s good for him!!

Kara flashes her own bikini, in a non-trashy way, and so Ryan donates money to some charity for it. 

Ryan harasses his dad in the audience and then Allison is singing ‘Time After Time’ with Cyndi Lauper and her crotch. Allison is magical, ya’ll. I’d like to learn her last name one of these days.

Both IMs received at the same time:

Kauly Jo: is cindy seizing?

blozor636: Cindy Lauper's going into a seizure!

Ryan goes to talk to Kris’s parents and his mom admits that this spectacle has already made her forget why they were even here. Me too! I forgot all about Kris or Adam until just now. They could have just ended the show at 9, and not announced a winner, and I wouldn’t even have realized until sometime during lunch tomorrow. 

“That Guy” is sitting on the steps singing ‘Hello’. David Cook must be spinning in his chair! And then Lionel Richie is here. I wish he’d sing ‘Penny Lover’. I do love that song, and so does Seacrest.  But they sing some other songs that go on forever and ever. It’s so long that you can the difference in the beard growth on “That Guy” from the beginning to end. 

Adam’s journey: He started performing when he was ten, then he came here and audition, and then he took the country by storm. Then he started talking about his period.  Then he came on stage wearing a jacket that looks like he got tangled up in a tumbleweed. He’s wearing giant boots, and leather pants, and handcuffs, and OMG, he’s singing ‘Beth’. This is probably every Kiss fan’s least favorite song, but it’s my favorite. I LOVE THIS SONG! Then Adam and Kiss are singing ‘Detroit Rock City’ and ‘I Wanna Rock and Roll All Night‘. Seriously, if anybody wore what Adam is wearing, they’d be laughed off the planet. But somehow… he makes it awesome. That must be what rock and roll is really about.

Carlos Santana. Boring. Ooh, but then Matt. I forgot about Matt.  Then the rest of the Idols come out. Adam is wearing suspenders and  it makes me want to have his babies. I mean, I’m committed to David and Ryan and all, but neither one of them ever calls, so if Adam and I decide to hook up… well, it’s their own faults for neglecting me. Everyone is wearing black and red and looking snazzy. Except Scott can’t find the camera ever. He kind of fumbles around cause nobody is holding on to him. I love me all kinds of Scott, but he needs to stay behind an instrument. The awkward movements just make me sad. 

The Ford video is a song I love and must download. Once I find out the name.

But then there’s a video of David Cook, my sugar daddy, giving Adam and Kris the keys to a car. 

Then Sarver and Arm Tattoo are singing while Steve Martin plays the banjo. This is like a parody. Is this SNL? Is that Kristin Wig? I do love Steve Martin though. I want to watch ‘Cheaper By The Dozen’ now. 

All the boys are in black suits singing ’Do Ya Think I’m Sexy’. No, but I do want to vomit right now. Oooh, except for Matt. And Adam. And sometimes Scott. It’d be awesome if they sang ‘Men In Black’. And then Rod Stewart is here, looking and sounding like he just spun himself right out of his grave.  There’s dancing and banjos, and Paula’s boobs, and Bo Bice and celebrities spazzing in the audience.

Another award. For outstanding female. I don’t remember any of these people. They’re so un-rememberable that there’s no point in doing this.  Why are they doing this? Oh. Tatiana. That’s why. Her laugh makes me want to shoot myself. Or her. But I will not do jail time for her! Ha! Even young Cody was rolling his eyes at her even way back when. 

Ryan screams like her, but makes her stay at her seat - which is directly behind Cook - but she runs up on stage anyway and is chased down by stage hands. She takes the mic and sings anyway and Ryan gets all twitchy because we’re running out of time and she just won’t stop. 

Mmmmm, Kris and Adam singing ‘We Are The Champions’. Kris and Adam are high fiving and kicking equal amounts of ass. Oooh, I hope the final vote is a tie! 

Wait a second… why the hell didn’t Scott sing? I’ve been waiting all effin’ night. Asswads.  Let’s see if I ever watch this show again!

Simon gets all Paula and is like, “Gosh, I love you both, I wish you both could win.” 

The entire audience is holding hands…. and the winner is… Kris? Both Kris and my mouth’s drop open.  Kris can’t believe it and Adam shakes him like a British nanny.  Someone comes out and hands him a trophy. Hmmm, a trophy. Nice. 

This is weird. This is so weird. I want to say I hate this show… but I like Kris. And also, I can’t wait until next season to start. 

HA! Allison and Adam are rocking out while Kris sings that stupid song - which I am totally going to download later, but don’t tell anyone - and that is awesome. I love Adam. He’s a good guy. Cause you know if this had been Tatiana coming in second, it would have been a bitch fest. 

blozor636: She'd explode.

blozor636: Like, literally.

blozor636: There would be guts and crazy herpes everywhere.

I’m sad now. What will I do with myself? How else will I get attention if I don’t have recaps to write. 

Its been a nice season. Sort of boring. But nice anyhow. This is the future Mrs. David Cook signing out. 

May 19, 2009 - Nothing’s over till it’s over

It is the final showdown, as Ryan tells us. Acoustic rocker versus the glam rocker. Conway versus California. The Guy Next Door versus The Guyliner. And yes, I accidentally typed “gay liner” at first. 

Randy is dressed like an idiot, Kara has the smoothly shaved armpits she always has, Paula’s hair looks like she just woke up, and Simon is fancied up. 

Carly and her tattoo are in the audience. I want her tattoo and Tattoo Girl’s tattoo to battle it out. That would be awesome. Speaking of. Last week Kelly Clarkson was on Ellen and she said she likes Arm Tattoo Megan. I am disgusted. But then again, she also said she likes Allison so it sort of evens out. But then she couldn't remember Allison's name even though Allison is just a smaller, slightly less awesome version of her.

 

Kris won the coin toss last week and has decided to go second. 

Ryan warns us  - the people who are already watching - that if we aren’t going to be watching tonight or tomorow, to set our DVRs longer because they will probably, most definitely go over time. He’s finally figured it out?

Adam was insane as a baby, is what we learn from his video package tonight. He’s singing ‘Mad World’ again.  It’s the same as last time, except there is lots of  fog and he’s dressed like Nick Carter in the ‘Show Me The Meaning’ video. Only prettier. There is lots of clapping clapping clapping. I love how proud Adam’s dad always is. I think Adam’s dad should adopt every gay boy who’s daddy doesn’t accept him. They’d need a big house, but it’d be a happy family.

Ya know, a wise man once told me that this is the time to be more than a name or a face in the crowd and that this is the time of our lives. I'd still have babies with that man. Whoever he was.

 

Randy gives his performance and “A for Adam!” Kara loves him and won’t stop about how awesome he is. Paula flirts like she didn’t get the gay memo. Simon though it was too theatrical because he’s dressed  all Columbine. Then Randy starts yelling about Twilight. Oh Randy, will you ever find your place in this world?

Kris didn’t like to sing in front of his family as a kid, but then they started paying him to sing, and now here we are at the American Idol finale. Which Ryan thinks is adorable. Oh Ryan. I love ye. I haven’t said it enough this season. 

Kris is at the piano singing ‘Ain’t No Sunshine’. I’m so glad this isn’t Danny Gokey singing.  How disgusting would that be?  This is so much better than the first time he did it. Even though I don’t remember that first time. But I’m imaging this is better. 

Randy shouldn’t talk sometimes. Especially when he’s wearing that ridiculous suit. 

Kauly Jo: seriously.  who dressed randy???

roarimaraptor: his mom

Kauly Jo: is she blind like scott??

Kara freaks out some more. What is wrong with that girl? Seriously. Simon loves Kris and Kris pretends like he might cry.

Back from commercial, Ryan harasses an Asian girl in the audience.

Creator Simon Fuller has chosen ‘A Change Is Gonna Come’ for Adam to sing. He’s wearing a shiny suit. This finale is full of pretty. Seriously, these two are prettier than any two females could have made this finale. I’ve never seen such emotion put into a song on this show.

Randy freaks out about how unbelievable he was. Then Kara freaks out. Then Paula stands up and freaks out and calls him “iconic”. 

Matt Giraurd is looking hot in the audience and Scott’s all like, “I can’t even see anything!”

Adam flirts with Ryan and then somebody let Katie Holmes into the building with her clone-baby.  The audience tonight is almost more entertaining than the contestants. 

About 5 commercials and Paula’s hair is still a hot mess. I thought maybe they’d take a comb to it during a break, but I guess not. 

Kris is singing ‘What’s Going On”. He looks and sounds good, but there’s nothing much more to say about it. I can’t even concentrate on anything with this outfit Randy. I mean, I can’t even describe it. 

Kara freaks out about the song choice, even though it wasn’t his choice, but the choice of the mysterious Simon Fuller whom we never see. Simon didn’t like it and so Ryan makes a gay joke.  

Ryan is in the audience surrounded by the other 11 contestants. Two somebodies we all know and have tried hard to forget makes douche faces and Scott’s all like “I still can’t see anything!”

Adam is singing the coronation song, co-penned by Kara. Why do I love everything Kara writes? 

The audience messes itself over the performance. Randy calls it pitchy, which is totally isn’t. Kara is moved to pieces over Adam singing a song she co-wrote and Adam is moved to pieces over Kara writing a song for him to sing. Gag me. Paula’s a fan forever and Simon hates the stupid lyrics of the song, but loves Adam and quite possibly wants to have his babies.   

Kris is singing… the same song that Adam sang. It’s not very good. I mean, it’s not bad, but it’s not better than Adam’s. Randy’s ridiculous tie and suit and jacket… and head and voice distract me from what he actually says. Kara thought the song was too high for Kris which means she totally wrote it for the key of Adam. Nice move, Kara. Nice. Paula says nothing of worth. 

While Ryan is giving out his numbers, Kris stares at Ryan’s profile like he’s falling in love. Seacrest is mine, bitch! I will fight you!! I don’t care if I outweigh you!  I will destroy you! I will shut it down!

Woah, I’m sorry. I haven’t drank enough water today. I always get crazy when that happens.

And woah again. Adam is wearing acid washed jeans… or are they leather? Acid washed leather? 

WHOOO! Carrie!! She’s dressed like 80s week during her season!! I love it. She sings over a montage of all the contestants from this season. I wish I could remember any of their names. Omg, I forgot about Von Smith! Omg, I forgot about Bikini Girl! Omg, I forgot about Nick! Omg, I forgot about Nathaniel! Omg, I forgot about Allison!! All these people who’s names I don’t know!! And then there’s Anoop who I’ve tried to forget but can’t because just when I think he’s gone, there he is again. Did you guys hear the rumor that he’s dating Arm Tattoo? 

Next up, Glee is on! Tomorrow, David Cooks sings a sad song for charity and Adam Lambert wins!

May 13, 2009 - I can see the red tail lights heading for Spain

For some reason, that desk the judges sit behind during auditions is in the “Smithsonian”, so the cast of that new Night At The Museum movie are talking about. Ben Stiller and that one funny guy from SNL who’s name I can never remember lies that Paula inspires people from behind said desk.  

The Ford commercial this week - or “music video”, as Seacrest calls it - starts out as a cartoon. Then they turn real. But the background is still cartoon. But then it’s real and there’s a storm. And then nothings gonna break their stride, ain’t nothing gonna hold them down, as they turn back into cartoons, then back into people again, and drive off. 

Alicia Keys is wear a bath towel as a dress, on this here Idol stage, for reasons I don’t know. Something about kids with HIV in Africa. One of these kids from Africa - and he actually looks like Tracey Junior on 30 Rock - is here singing/rapping/chanting some song. I don’t know why. He’s a kid, so I won’t mock him. But I don’t know why this is going on. I mean, filler, I know, but of all the filler things that could have been? We get this? But it’s funny, cause he’s like 10 but almost as tall as Ryan. And then Ryan dances, and that is always good times. 

There’s a cougar in the audience who apparently loves Danny. She loves him so much, she has a sign. Hmmm. As soon as they show the sign, a tornado watch shows up on my screen. Oh Danny. Even the weather wants you destroyed. 

Blah blah, yawn yawn, Danny in his hometown signing autographs, radio interviews. A poor, misguided young sap chases his limo down the street and he cries during a parade. Then the mayor makes him like King of the city or something. I wish I cared. 

Kris is like the hottest thing ever . I mean, barring David Cook, of course. It must be so weird to be from Arkansas. I wonder if Paula pronounced it “Are Kansas”.  Kids in his town scream over the sounds of ‘Everybody Wants To Rule The World’. GASP! Does this mean he’ll win? Kris’s dad talks like a woman. Then Kris goes and sings at his old college. If I went on this show, I’d never go and sing at my old school. Those bastards.  What did they ever do for me but make me one time spend my lunch break in a bathroom stall. 

I think Kris made mayor too. I don’t know. His dad cries and talks like a woman some more. Kris is hot through-out all of this, by the way. 

Jordin Sparks!!  She’s come down the stairs, which are covered in smoke. What if everyone thought this was an effect but really the stage was on fire? That’d be fun. Why does Jordin look like she’s 30? I don’t know either. She’s doing some spazzy thing,  but this song is awesome. I mean, I don’t know what she’s saying, but it sounds awesome. 

TCreature3: this song doesn't have lyrics does it?

TCreature3: i think she is writing as it as she goes

Dude, I don’t know when I turned 12 again, but I can’t wait for ‘Glee’. 

Adam is hot. I take back what I said about Kris being the hottest thing ever, besides David Cook.  Ew Anoop. He ruined the hotness fantasy.  Whooo Allison!!  I like when old eliminated contestants come back. 

Adam’s hometown of San Diego. His limo is huge, guys. You could fit all 13 Idols and the judges and Ryan in that thing. Adam plays around in front of a green scream with some weird lady who then makes him put her eyeliner on her. What a weirdo… do you guys think Adam would put eyeliner on me? 

A middle-aged man asks Adam to sign his shirt. A little boy tries to high five Adam and then asks him how he got to be so awesome. All the children have a good laugh over Adam’s crazy hair. Then a girl scares him with her boobs. Man, Adam gets so many songs playing over his package. ‘Come Home’ and some bad cover of ‘Baby O’Riley’. 

Heh. I said package. 

Why is everybody but Scott in the audience? Because he can’t see, they don’t even give him tickets?

Katy Perry is here and the only song I care of hers is ‘Use Your Love’ and she‘s not singing that so I don‘t even care. The only person I care about waking up in Vegas is Carrie Underwood that time she shacked up with some guy without knowing his last name. 

Danny wants us to skip this and announce the results, and even though I agree, shut up. Then Adam yells “I wanna see Katy Perry!” I don’t, but I love you, Adam. And on second thought, I kind of like this song. The verses are uneventful like most Katy Perry songs are, but the chorus is awesome. Her cape says “Adam Lambert” on the back, which is awesome, but I’m disconcerted by the fact that she’s not wearing pants. And the boobs that are all over the place. 

DIM THE LIGHTS!!

Kris is in the finale!! KRIS IS IN THE FINALE!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

88 million votes… 

… ADAM!!!!!! 

Here we go again. The wife thing. Danny loves watching himself on video. Adam cries while Danny sings, marginally better than last night, I must say. The singing, not the crying. It’s actually pretty. Why hasn’t he been this good before? 

Blozor636: At least Gokey had the chance to smear cake all over Allison's body before he got voted off. How many people can say that?

Simon talks about a “big ding dong” and Ryan rushes us off the air, cause that’s just weird. 

May 12, 2009 - Adam rox my sox.

The Brother - "What is Bones?"

Me - "Things in your body? A TV show?"

The Brother - "No, Bones. Her career. What is she?"

Me - "Forensic anthropologist."

The Brother - "Yeah. That's what I want to be. I just thought of that when I was taking a dump. Also, what if I woke up and I had a vagina." 

THIS is American Idol. 

Paula is sitting backwards tonight because she’s insane. Ryan and Simon both have that playful look in their eyes. Oooh, I hope some shenanigans are going down tonight. We need it. I’m bored. 

I think I've figured out why this season is so boring. There is no contest and there never really has been. Adam has been the front runner from the get-go. Minus all the douchery of a few who shall remain unnamed, everybody is the same person, just with a different face. That's why its so hard to rank who will go home next since Megan left. They're practically the same. I was sad when Allison left but I would have been just as sad if Kris had left. On the same token, I wouldn't have been surprised if one of them went home the week before. Or if Matt went home this week or next. Its always been down to "Adam versus Danny" with Adam winning. And who cares about that?  Last season was awesome in the same way that season 4 was awesome in that anybody could have filled those spots. Yes, David and Carrie were the right choices for winners, but if they hadn't won, who cares? I would have been disappointed if Cook didn't win, yes, but I wouldn't have been disappointed if Archie had won. I was rooting for Bo, but wasn't mad that Carrie won. That finale could have been Bo versus Constantine, it could have been Carrie versus Constantine. It was a surprise. Last season could have been Cook versus Johns, Archie versus Johns, maybe even any of them against Brooke White. Who knew what was going to happen? Nobody! The boring ass predictability of this season is boring. But maybe people like boring. CBS is the number one station on TV and what the hell is even on that channel? I couldn't tell you because I don't watch it because it's a boring ass channel.

During the week, Gokey went home to Milwaukee so that Paula could text him and tell him that she’s chosen ‘Dance Little Sister’ for him to sing tonight. It would be funny if he never got the text and just showed up tonight with nothing prepared to sing. “What do you mean the judges choose a song? What? Nobody told me that!” Oh, how happy I’d be. Anyway, I do not know this song and neither does Danny. 

The Brother - “God, I hate him.”

Me - “You said you wanted to ‘get with him’”. 

The Brother - “That was before Allison went home.”

Me - “No, that was 2 days ago.”

The Brother - “No!”

No - “Yes, it was Sunday night right after we bought the concert tickets.”

The Brother - “Well, that was… that was… that was… that was a figure of speech.

I’m sorry, I was too busy typing that out to pay attention. Randy loved it, and Kara talks about his “money spot” and also that he needs to stop dancing. Paula thinks his dancing was “really good” and also that he did fantastic. Simon reminds the ladies that it’s a singing show anyway and Danny makes a big bag full of douche faces. 

As Ryan is giving out Danny’s numbers, somebody was yelling like an complete asshat in the audience. Or maybe it was Paula. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. 

Kara and Randy chose for Kris ‘Apologize’. I wonder if they had to duke it out to decide which song to go with. I love this song so effin’ much. I wanted Matt to sing it but I will settle for Kris, who is basically just Matt without the forehead thing. And a little bit hotter.  This is purty. Sights and sounds. I didn’t know Kris could play the piano. Or did I know that? I can’t remember.

Performances like this make me sad the season's almost over. Even though I’m more detached from the contestants than I've ever been, I will miss them all. Even Danny Gokey. I mean, I'll miss him like the way you'd miss a rash or that time you had Gonorrhea. But still. I'll miss him. 

Randy says this song choice is good because it shows that Kris could be OneRepublic if he wanted to. What? It’s Randy, so whatever. Take what you want from what he says. Kara bitches that he didn’t take chances or whatever. Shut up Kara. Why don’t you and Randy go jump off a cliff. And take Paula with you.  Simon’s like “Shut up, Paula. You don’t make any sense.” Then he yells at Kara for choosing that song for Kris and then complaining that Kris sang that song she chose for him. The judges argue some more, until Kara clamps her hands over Simon‘s mouth to stop him from making complete and total sense. I wish the stage would take this moment to collapse again.

Adam went to San Diego and then Simon texted him that he’s singing ‘One’ by U2. I have a hard time believing that Simon even knows how to text. He’s like my dad’s age and every time I text my dad, he doesn’t know how to respond, so he just calls me instead of texting back. This is a pretty song. Me likes it. Randy bitches about it and Simon boos him. Kara calls him “Un.Be.Liev.able.” Paula is miserable sitting next to Simon and Adam tells her just to punch him again, as she did earlier tonight. Simon loves Adam all over the place, which is weird considering Simon has always been the total homophobe. 

If Paula and Randy and Kara had a baby and made it ten times more annoying than they could ever be combined and then bred that baby with a baby made between Gokey and that girl who had the tattoo on her arm, and then took that baby and let it judge a dancing show… you’d get the same level of annoyance that I get from that judge Mary on ‘So You Think You Can Dance’. True story. 

Carrie is in Africa again, fighting the fight against Malaria. Or maybe it was just leftover footage from last year. I hope she sings ‘I’ll Stand By You’ again. That song makes me happy on the inside.  Also, ‘So Small’ which plays over footage of her playing with African children. 

TCreature3: i don't want to watch gokey

TCreature3: i'll brb

TCreature3: but he might crash and burn and i want to be a part of that

Gokey is singing ‘You Are So Beautiful’. I do not know this song, nor do I care. Oh God, I do know this song. This is the song Alfalfa sang in the little rascals movie. And then I think he started burping bubbles or something. I want to watch that! Can we put that on instead?  I thought it was meh, but the judges love it. The beginning was total suck, but the rest was alright. But nobody mentions the suck part, they just go on about how awesome it was. Danny makes a stupid douche face and is all like “I don’t care what the judges say, I‘m just gonna sing whatever I want to sing and do whatever I want to do because I am King Douche.” I am paraphrasing, of course.

Oh man, Kris looks hot. He’s doing ‘Heartless’ by Kanye West. He is so current tonight. It’s purty and acoustic and he’s playing guitar. I didn’t recognize the song until he gets to the chorus.  He’s so white and this is so purty.  I hate Kanye West but I like Kris’ version of it. The audience cheers like woah and then the judges freak out about it. And Kris should always wears jeans.  In case he’s reading this. S

Adam’s second song is ‘Crying’ by Aerosmith. Or is it ’Cryin’’? I don’t know. Kelly Clarkson sang this in some concert once. It was awesome. Sometimes she makes me wish I was a dude so I could do dirty things to her. Also,  I want to do dirty things to Adam as a man.  Especially while he sings this song.  This is like a finale performance. His parents are so proud. I love his parents. I love people who love their dramatic gay children instead of turning on them because they’re too busy having their own heads up their own ass. Adam gets weepy. Randy yells out the word “rock star” 18 times. Kara’s all like “See you at the finals?” Duh, Kara. Paula loves Adam forever. Simon wants everyone to vote for Adam forever. Adam is awesome because he raves about how awesome Kris and Gokey are. He’s awesome. He’s so David Cook and I love it. 

blozor636: Dude, Adam is so humble. It's David Cook all over again.

roarimaraptor: i love it

roarimaraptor: he's like the gay David Cook

blozor636: Gokey would be pushing Adam out of the way to make America suck his cock.

roarimaraptor: ha! i know

blozor636: And Kris... Would just stand there and make other men jealous of his looks.

blozor636: Because I think that's pretty much all he does.

I have no idea who goes home tomorrow. I want Gokey to but I think it’s been written in the stars that Kris will 

May 6, 2009 - Come on and cry, cry baby

The intro this week is less dramatic than ever. There’s lots of Slash and slow motion and odd lighting and the judges yelling about how awesome Adam is and how aweful Danny’s screaming was. 

stonehousekthx: I like how Gokey tried to be like Adam and then they were like "no"

The audience screams loudly for Ryan as he comes down the steps. Probably because they saw on tmz what he didn’t tell us yesterday - that when the stage tried collapsing last night, he fell - and they‘re happy to see he is alive. 

64 million votes cast last night! Jesus H. Christ! 

I want to see Kara body surf the crowd. I mean, I know they’d drop her cause they’re not the brightest bunch, but it would still be fun to see them try,

The Ford video involves Adam being awesome and then the awesome Adam walking down the street as a paper cutout of himself.  Wouldn’t it be awesome to have a paper Adam that you could dress at your will? I bet that’s how Adam sees himself. As his own little doll he can dress any way he wants. I like that. Adam rocks. Anyway, the rest of the Idols also become paper cutouts but I don’t want to play with them. They’re doing that ‘Move Along’ song by that group that does that ‘Dirty Little Secret Song’ that I once played on Rockband for like 4 hours. 

Group Medley starts out of nowhere with Slash playing kick ass guitar, Adam singing kickass singing, Kris being hot as he always is, then Danny screaming some more about how school is out for the summer even though he was told to stop screaming not 24 hours ago. This song will always remind me of Scream and all the teens who were murdered in it… I want to watch it now.  Except suddenly Allison gets carried away and pushes Gokey. Man, she should have done that last night, maybe she would have gotten enough votes to stay. Cause you know she’s the one going home.  

Gokey says something that I don’t bother to listen to because his douchey-ness has stopped registering with me and I don’t even want to care anymore. Kris is so beautiful, but Simon tells him to shut up and stop being humble. Adam had a blast last night as usual. Apparently someone people, probably just some of Gokey’s friends, made ring tones out of his nasty scream last night. Allison looks at Kara and makes stabbing motions with her hand. 

Paula is… performing? Okay. I guess she’s paid her dues. Ryan’s not going to perform next week is he? Even I don’t want to see that and you guys know how I feel about Ryan. I take that back. One time he sang that song that goes “Got a nice package alright, think I’m gonna have to ride it tonight.” I mean, that was wonderful. I listened to it on repeat for like week. I wouldn’t mind seeing him sing that on my TV. So Paula’s song is about dancing and how she’s just here for the music. It’s very Britney. I’m not sure how I feel about it. So let’s just move on. But wait:

roarimaraptor: I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT

roarimaraptor: opps

roarimaraptor: i didn't mean to yell that

Blozor636: I think that says exactly how you feel about it.

But really, I don’t have a whole lot of animosity towards Paula. Except Ryan then interviews her and it’s like, whatever. I’m just here for the music.

No Doubt is here singing ‘Just A Girl’. What the hell year is it? I feel old again. This song came out when I was a junior in high school. Guys, that was like… 12 years ago. OMG, I am so old. I bet half the people in the audience and two thirds of the people at home watching think this song is new. But I know the truth. 

Then everything gets so weird that I have to get up and let my dog outside. 

When I get back, mmmm David Cook. Also, Jordin Sparks, Bo Bice, Carrie Underwood, Blake Lewis, Archie, and every other Idol ever who ever had Idol cameras sent to their hometown. Mmmm, Cook. But dude, I forgot Syesha existed!

There are three drinking fountain stools for the top three and Ryan will announce them in no particular order. I think they should just play musical chairs. Play ‘Please Don’t Stop The Music’, but then stop the music, and whoever isn’t sitting… well, they go home. 

Kris is the first one announced in the top 3. 

Me - “He just shit himself!”

The Brother - “I just shit myself too!”

Remember how tiny Daughtry looked when he auditioned? Wow. Remember when he acted all Anoop/Danny levels of douche when Ryan announced he was going home? But he was awesome afterwards anyway? He released an album just a few months later like you’re SUPPOSED TO when you leave the show. Hint hint, wink wink. Anyway, he is singing a new song off of his new album, because he’s releasing a second album like you’re SUPPOSED TO. Wink wink, hink hink. There’s a hot guy in his band too. I must download this song. 

The Brother - “He sounds so different!”

Me - “He went through puberty!”

The Brother - “I know! Next thing you know he’s going to start growing hair.”

Adam is in the top 3... And so is Gokey. Son of a ….

I guess I knew it though. I knew it all along. And now Allison is… going home. And she cries as she sings her song again. And Kara stand up and yell and shout. Even Danny looks sad, and not at all like a douche hole.