Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Idol Recap!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
1/20/10 – Titles are for squares
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
1/19/10 - I want to stab people who use the phrase “Chi-town”.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
1/13/10 – Where’s your crown, King Nothing?
Was this show on yesterday? I already feel like I can't remember it. However, I do remember reading yesterday that Idol Chat won't be on anymore because Kimberly Caldwell is "embarking on a full-time singing career"..... HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh my god. I can't breath. Give me a second.... HAHAHAHA!! .... HAHAHAHAHA! It won't stop! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Ow, my stomach. Seriously, I haven't laughed this hard since that time Aaron Carter remade 'I Want Candy'. Who's supporting this singing career? You couldn't pay me to listen to anything she records and I have 200+ Idol related songs AND Paris Hilton on my ipod. I'm one of three people in the whole country who think the coronation songs are magic, particularly 'No Boundaries' and 'Inside Your Heaven'. You know that says a lot ABOUT Caldwell. It says more about Caldwell than it does about me and my iPod. I'm just sayin'. I still want to know where David Cook went wrong there. I hope in my psychology class this semester that I get an answer to that. Though I suspect the answer would involve the words “blow job” and “easy”.
We are in Atlanta tonight and nobody who’s auditioning knows that Ryan was born there. Seriously, he asks everybody. And they don’t know. And then Mary J. Blige is there and I don’t even care. She brought her kids along like the auditions are an effin’ day care center. I mean, if Paula were here, they sort of would be. But she’s not.
blozor636: Oh God. I'm glad they didn't choose Mary. It would be like two Randys, and one is enough.
blozor636: They would just have entire conversations that go "Dawg." "Dawg." "Dawg." "Dawg?" "Dawg!”
It’s funny when black guys are nerds. Dewone Robinson made up a song once and his brother and sister said, why did you do that, and then he grew up and came to audition for American Idol. He’s singing what I guess is that same song, in 8 different voices. There’s only one word to the song apparently and it’s “laty”. And then, I’m not sure what’s happening, but there’s some arguing and I look away and write some other stuff, and when I come back again, he’s still singing the “laty” song and the judges are still pretending he has a chance. Then Randy starts yelling, “Security!!” like he didn’t encourage this guy to act like an ass in the first place.
I forgot to mention the glass, Willy Wonka elevator that takes the contestants up to the audition room and then back down again. Is this because those Italian boys tried to smash Ryan? Is this to keep him safe? I think it is.
You know, we have at least 2 more weeks of these auditions left, but I’m already done with them. I wish I could skip them, but I made a commitment.
You remember that blind guy last year? The one I almost married over the summer? If his hair grew a little bit longer and exploded with the intensity of Chicago humidity… and also, was a black girl, you’d get Keia Johnson. She sings (read: yells) about how we are safe in her heart and her heart will go on and on. She gets through.
Some people are annoying but get yeses anyway, and then somebody sings The Climb, and you know it’s the beginning of everybody singing The Climb. You know it! And when it happens, you know I called it yesterday.
But first up is Jermaine, who lives not far from me. Interesting. I know a black guy. Maybe it’s him. His voice is good, but the hat… not so much. He’s in.
Um, I missed a few things, because someone IMed me about handcuffs and I was thinking about David Cook and Ryan Seacrest in handcuffs and jeans and other varying degrees of things. When I looked up, bad things were happening. A girl was singing and then crying about how it’s her passion and making everybody uncomfortable. Don’t let your dreams hang all out like that! You’re embarrassing us all and making us twitchy.
Hot guy sucks is denied. Girl that guys probably think is hot is denied. More people denied. A bunch of really tall girls in a row denied.
Then Vanessa Wolfe jumps off a bridge – because she is a “bridge jumper” - like the Hillbilly she apparently is. Ya know, with the hillbilly music playing and the Tennessee accent. I kind of like her. She bought a dress for 4 dollars at the dollar store and is afraid the judges are going to look down on her. Awww. They will Vanessa. They will. But I like you. I can’t tell if she’s good or not. She’s like Kellie Pickler, but with that twangy-ness that Dolly Parton has.
I should mention how hot Ryan is today. Geez. Someone turn a fan on me.
Anyway, Simon says she’s ill-prepared for this, but distinct and authentic. She gets 4 yeses. She’s like that boy I loved… what was his name? The one who had never sang in front of anybody but a turkey? I dunno, but she’s like the female version of him. I really like her. Ya know, besides the misfortunate dress. And I rarely ever like the girls. Proven by this unrelated convo I had today at work:
Coworker - Women are only good for one thing, right? Laundry.
Me - Shut up. And cooking.
Oh, I am so sexist. Watch this video I made with one of my peeps (http://www.youtube.com/watch?
Back from commercial, Ryan is wearing something different, but he’s still looking good. He’s talking to another hillbilly who almost died 3 times. They do a “cheap dramatization” of all three times. It’s funny, but Ryan just stares at him in the waiting area. I love watching him “interview” these people. He doesn’t have to do anything but stand there and let them talk circles around themselves. I was making screen caps from last night’s show and in every single one he’s making exactly the same face no matter how long the scene goes on. It’s awesome. But anyway, the guy is really bad and Mary laughs so hard it looks like she might be having a seizure. That’s just rude. Get off the stage, bitch. Or out of that chair, whatever. I mean, it’s funny that stupid people think they can sing, but this guy doesn’t have two brain cells to rub together. He’s not even smart enough to know you’re laughing at him. That’s wrong. People need to deserve having that kind of shit done right in front of their faces.
Montage of people crying.
Mmmm, David Cook. Mmmm, Matt Giraud. Mmmmm, Kris Allen. We’re seeing a montage of all the old Idols who played instruments on stage. You’re not allowed to bring instruments into auditions, but this girl, who looks like she might be Kellie Pickler’s younger sister is dressed like a guitar. And wearing glasses shaped like guitars. Her voice is awesome, but Mary doesn’t get her. Yeses from everybody else.
You know what would be funny? If someone pretended they didn't get a golden ticket when they really did get a golden ticket. That'd be genius! Oh look, she just did it!! So funny.
A boy who looks like a cat, a boy named Hansel singing Reflection, a gay boy who loves Britney Spears. Nos all around.
Right now my mom is getting all indignant because Mary can’t seem to find the time to pay attention to this girl with big boobs who is singing a country song. The judges and Mary love her.
A montage of people getting golden tickets and yelling and being excited. Then a montage of me being hungry but too lazy to get up and make a sandwich.
Two things. 1) A new Bones tomorrow!! YAY!! 2) Kelly Clarkson likes Bones. YAY!
Skiboski is a pimp with the Idol logo shaved into his head. If I ever lose my hair for whatever reason, I want Ryan’s name shaved in it. For reals.I hope he isn’t good, cause I don’t want to deal with him. Damn it, he’s good. He’s singing that song about the grapevine that spreads rumors about people and he heard it. He says something that confuses even Randy, and everybody but the guys like him. So he’s through to Hollywood. Randy calls him “skiblowski” cause he’s an idiot.
Carmen and Lauren are stupid BFFs and are auditioning together and one of them isn’t wearing pants. Didn’t these two girls audition together last year? Ryan asks how long they’ve been friends, but accentuates the friends part. Then Kara hints around about whether or not they’ve made porn together or plan on making porn together. They act like stupid, pointless teenagers until Simon forces them to shut up and audition. The one who isn’t wearing pants sings boring and the other one, who also isn’t wearing pants, is a little better, but not by much. She’s basically desecrating a Kelly Clarkson song. I’m not impressed. In fact, I’m shaking my fist at the Kelly abuse. Simon calls them ditz and forces the rest of the judges to tear apart their friendship by saying yes to one of them and no to the other. But they’re basically the same person in different color shirts anyway, so what’s the difference.
During commercial break, I went to go make a peanut butter sandwich and got bit in the butt by a dog on the way.
Girls, girls, girls, and more girls who can’t sing. Then a girl, who might be a boy, or maybe a boy as a girl, I’m not sure, but he/she can’t sing.
Simon gets up and walks away. I don’t know why. My mom is on the phone and won’t shut up! Just chit-chatting like we’re not watching something. The manners in this house, I swear.
Anyway, Bryan is a cop, and he’s got a good voice.
Kauly Jo: i already wanna marry this guy
roarimaraptor: me too
Kauly Jo: i called it first. step off bitch
roarimaraptor: hehe
Kauly Jo: because marriage should be like shotgun
roarimaraptor: HA!
Randy’s all syched like, “Dawg! Cops can’t sing but then you came in and you sang and you totally faked us out! I’m an idiot, dawg!” I’m paraphrasing. Bryan’s on to Hollywood.
A guy with a beard acts stupid and can’t listen and keeps bursting into song. And then Mary J. Blige won’t shut up about whatever it is she won’t shut up about. And then he leaves cursing and then comes back and starts singing again until security literally has to drag his ass out. Even the people in the elevator with him are standing as far from him as they can. They’re like pressed against the walls. Ha! What a dumbass.
Last audition is a 62 year old homeless man, singing an original called, Pants On the Ground. I love this guy. I hope this song will be sold on iTunes later tonight, because this is awesome. I want this ringtone!
Randy gets up and starts singing the song with him, and then later(earlier?) does it for Ryan while doing sit-ups and then later everybody in the holding area sings it. Awesome. I want this guy to win.
I’m already wore down to a tiny little nub from these 3 and a half hours, but we’ll be back next week for some more. Out.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
1/12/09 – Stop singing forever
But before I begin another season of recaps, I think it's only fair to inform you of the 3 life altering events that happened to me since last we spoke. They have forever changed my outlook on life. 1) I got an iTouch. 2) I got an Xbox (with Xbox live and Netflix, which means my family, friends, and dvr never see me anymore). and 3) I turned 30. Also, I developed a crush on Zachary Quinto that rivals most others. David Cook wouldn't stop seeing other skanky women and Seacrest wouldn't commit to me, so what else was I supposed to do? Ya know that whole should have put a ring on it thing? Well, they should have. Cause when you don't, people move on. So let that be a lesson to all of you. Especially you Zachary. Especially you.
But the one good thing about this show is that it usually reminds me of why I loved Seacrest in the first place. It's why we've had such a long, draw out, rocky relationship. I always come back, because if Lady Gaga exists for only one reason, it is to remind us that when it's love if it's not rough it isn't fun. And these auditions are nothing if not rough.
But seriously, you guys, I'm concerned. Without Paula, what will I make fun of? I mean, besides the bounty that is the rest of the show.
My psychic claim for this season: Everyone's going to audition with The Climb and ruin the magic for me.
My hopes for this season: That Seacrest will try to talk to a deaf person and someone will sing a stirring rendition of 'Springtime for Hitler'.
On to the recap!!
Ew, Avril Lavigne is going to be a guest judge. And then there’s Ellen! WHOO!!! But that is not tonight, that is weeks away.
Tonight, we are in Boston. Ryan is looking delicious in a black t-shirt. I want to eat him like a piece of fried chicken. I remember why I love him now.
9,000 people are standing in the rain, screaming about how they are all the next American Idol, and a boy is wearing a tiara and wings. Awesome, I hope we get to see his audition.
Ryan is wearing jeans, and then everybody freaks out about Kara. I have nothing to say to or about Simon tonight.
Posh Spice – who may or may not have a real name, which may or may not only be “David Beckham’s wife” – is the guest judge today, but she kind of looks like a mannequin that got up and started walking around. And developed an English accent. Shut up, Victoria. You look like plastic and wax.
A girl drinks water in a bathroom, jumps up and down and yells, and then scares Ryan out in the hall. Then she comes in and jumps around in front of the judges and… I just remembered Paula was gone. I’m sad. It’s like she’s dead, only she’s not. Anyway, jumping girl Janet sings and it’s horrible. I don’t know why she even came here today. Even the computer versions of the judges in the Idol video game told her wasn’t going to Hollywood time and time again. But she showed up anyway. And also, she thinks Kara is Paula.
Does Luke Wilson do anything but make phone commercials? I swear there’s a new one every day.
Maddie is 16 years old and 9 of 12 kids. She has a brother with Down syndrome, so her family decided to adopt a bunch of other kids with Down syndrome. That is many levels of awesome. I hope they let her through to Hollywood. She sings I don’t know, but the title alone makes the judges all go “OOOOOOH!” Then she sings it and I’m all “OOOOOH!” She’s awesome and through to Hollywood. Awww, Ryan hugs the Down syndrome kid. I love him.
But God, I’m so sick of looking at Vitoria Beckham. It’s only been 19 minutes and I’m already sick of her face. If you can call it that. She looks like something risen from some sort of dead.
Kauly Jo: who let the mummy loose??? and where the fuck is brendan fraser when you need him???
Douchebag in the holding area acts like a douche bag. Then another one does it again, only he also yells, “Holla!!!” a dozen times and gets punched in the face. He’s so gay. And he’s singing womanizer. Or rather, “singing” womanizer. It’s actually fun, but then gets annoying. Go home. I’m sick of you already. He calls Simon “Sassy Simon”. HAHA!! I’ve changed my mind, I like him. Not his voice though. They should do a show, like The Real World, where people just hang out, only not with douchebags. With actually cool people.
A bunch of girls are awesome, but I generally don’t approve of females on this show, so whatevs. It’s weird, but all these girls look like Kara in different wigs. I don’t know what you’re playing at Idol, but I’ll find out. Mark my words!
In the holding area, Ryan slowly backs away from a guy whose pecs are the size of Ryan’s entire body. He’s large and Italian with a large, Italian family. They eat lots of cheese and sausage and bread. But can he sing? I don’t know. His video package goes on so long, I almost wander away to make some spaghetti. But then woah, he sings. Loud and proud. He’s Simon’s favorite audition thus far. He gets 4 yesses. Him and his Italian brothers almost kill Ryan in their celebration. Then Ryan runs away, because he can’t handle so much testosterone.
Derrick got into music during the lowest peak in his life, which I’m guessing was like homeroom class, since he looks like he’s still in high school.
There’s a video montage of him being all one with nature. Kissing flowers and hugging the air. He looks like Ace Young if Ace were younger, blonde, dirty, and not cute. He likes Chris Brown, which I guess means he approves of domestic abuse. God, his singing is domestic abuse. He wouldn’t even need to hit his woman, just start singing like a schizophrenic. Then he walks outside and becomes one with nature again. I wish he’d stop talking about touching me. Go touch a tree, dude. Trees don’t mind weirdos.
Simon makes a bunch of people cry over the sounds of ‘Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word’. And then omg, they bring up Bikini Girl. Let her die, Idol!! Let her die!!
ANOTHER new Luke Wilson phone commercial! Did he just film this?! Make it stop!
Stupid people with stupid hair and stupid anime obsessions stand out in the rain. And by people, I mean one girl in particular who keeps kicking and punching the air. Ryan gets confused and calls her a “Fashionista”. She wants to become a singer… in Japan. I’m sure Japan has an Idol show of their own, why don’t they go there? Even Ryan is looking at her like he just can’t handle her. And he’s Ryan Seacrest! There’s nothing that man can’t handle! He finds nothing annoying!
She sings real bad, and when Simon tells her the truth that she sucks, she argues, and they have to tell her the truth that her vocal coaches were liars, or quite possibly just drunk homeless guys she’s calling her vocal coaches. She cries and yells, “How dare you!” at the cameras.
Randy thinks “anime” is a thing a person can be. Oh Randy. Welcome back.
Mmmmm, hot guy gets a yes. It’s like Matt Giraud part 2. Guy who’s not hot with a good voice gets a yes. Oh God, it’s one of the douchebags from the holding room earlier. He looks like the combination of a bunch of separate douches combined into one and then wearing stupid glasses and having an attitude. God, he’s a dick. This makes me miss even Danny Gokey. Omg, I’d marry Danny Gokey instead of even look at this guy. Simon tells him to stop being a smartass or he can leave, but he just starts acting like a passive-aggressive smartass instead.
Mom - You know who he reminds me of?
Me - A douchebag?
I bet he leads a double life as a serial killer. Kara asks him why he’s so angry, and he says he’s mad from waiting all day, and she tells him off, and he stabs her with his eyes. They all say no. Instead of leaving, he just acts like an ass prompting Kara to ask him if he’s ever had a girlfriend. Then he stabs her with his eyes again. I’m surprised this guy is such a huge douche and I haven’t dated him yet.
2 gay guys audition in a row and they both sound like Clay Aiken drunk.
Ho hum, girl with a nice voice singing Alicia Keys and goes to Hollywood. But she doesn’t even try to hug Ryan. I don’t trust people who don’t try and hug Ryan when they get a chance. That is like my dream!
An hour into this and I haven’t wanted to marry anybody yet. This ain’t even right. I’m bored. I think I’m gonna go wax my chin… but wait. A boy dressed like a hippie fell out of a tree and broke his wrists and is now singing ‘Let’s Get It On’.
Hmmm. Perhaps chin waxing can wait. I take back what I said. I want to marry him. Or at least let him try and get it on with me. His name is Tyler. Possible top twelve. Make note of it.
A bunch of people go to Hollywood.
Day 2 in Boston. Randy says that Simon was late for the second day of auditions because he out trying to find the Boston Tea Party. Oh Randy. Maybe you do have a purpose after all.
Lisa is a waitress who sings really bad and then walks out in slow motion. Guy sucks. William Hung’s little brother. Emo Goth Girl. Black Emo Goth Girl. Guy dressed like he’s marching band leader. A girl who can’t say “firefighter”. Cute boy named Mike. He has a guitar tattooed on his arm. Put him through! Oh wait, maybe we should hear him sing first. Mmmm, yes. Put him through. While the judges deliberate, Ryan hangs out with Mike’s mom, because he loves moms and nanas. Then Mike is through! I think I might want to marry him. Even though Ryan comes up to his shoulder and sort of acts like a frat boy.
I forgot to pay attention for a minute cause I was reading on textsfromlastnight.com, but when I looked up, a girl was crying about how her grandma has Alzheimer’s. That’s so sad. She’s awesome. She sounds like Carrie, but looks like Selena Gomez. This could work. She calls her grandma and grandma cries which makes Ryan cry.
Hot guy with good voice. He sounds like Rascal Flatt’s lead singer but looks like someone who’s face I can’t place. I would marry him. Simon thinks his voice doesn’t match his age. Randy makes him tell Simon to shut up. Then Simon makes him tell Randy to shut up. They’re trying to make him more assertive but he’s too nice for it to work. He’s through to Hollywood.
OMG! Another new Luke Wilson phone commercial! They must be filming these as the show is airing. “Hurry and edit this shit together! It’s almost a commercial break!”
blozor636: AT&T used to be Cingular, and I will never use them because of that.
roarimaraptor: also, they suck
Back from commercial, Ryan’s up on a rafter above the judges table talking softly. Almost in a seductive whisper. Yes, Ryan. I’ll do anything you say. I love you. Then a bunch of sucky guys ruin our moment by being sucky. Ryan tries to interview said sucky boys but I’d rather be at the dentist than hear about it.
I missed his name even though they’ve been showing him before every commercial break, but cute boy with facial hair was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, or as he thinks, he caught it while vacationing in Spain. Not to knock cancer survivors or anything, but he doesn’t even have cancer anymore, it’s been in remission for a while, so that’s kind of like false advertising right there. Trying to make us sound like he’s dying of it as we speak, so we must vote for him. I was all ready to break my no voting rule, you bastards. He’s singing that song I hate about the new dawn and the new day and the new light, but he’s pretty in the ear. He looks kind of like Ace too. Why does everybody look like varying degrees of Kara and Ace?!
Boy with crazy hair. His name is Norberto but he looks like Michael Jackson’s son Blanket if he were older with some crazy long hair and sang a Cascada song on Idol. He keeps forgetting the lyrics, but nobody wants to tell him he sucks, so they let him keep explaining that he’s nervous and starting over. Then Simon calls him weird and he nearly cries. Then the judges argue over whether he looks more like Michael or Janet.
I think this next kid is Nigerian, but I hope he doesn’t try to get Randy to help him transfer millions of dollars to his bank account. OMG! He’s singing ‘You Look So Good In Love’.
Kauly Jo: ok, a black guy is singing George Strait
Kauly Jo: put him through just for that!!
roarimaraptor: that's the best thing ever!
Everyone but Simon gives him a yes.
And this for no reason:
Kauly Jo: posh looks better on this day
roarimaraptor: like they rehydrated her
Kauly Jo: hehe
Kauly Jo: yes!
Omg, the show is almost over. I thought there was like 30 minutes left.
One girl left. She’s good, but… yeah. That’s all. She’s not slutty, at least. Not being slutty is always worth bonus points. Judges put her through as the best they’ve seen.
The end. I’m spent.
Back tomorrow!
I had to add ‘Seacrest’ to my spell-check dictionary just now.