Idol recaps! And more

Idol Recap!

2010-01-26T18:21:00.001-08:00

As I mentioned last week, I moved the recap over to a domain so I don't have to post this in 6 different places anymore. I'll post a reminder tomorrow and maybe the following week, after that, you're on your own. Bookmark it!! http://idolrecaps.com/

1/20/10 – Titles are for squares

2010-01-20T18:26:00.001-08:00

I’m eating a Kit Kat. Be jealous, bitches.

The show starts with a rocket launching into space, but I can’t hear what’s happening because the TV is muted because my parents always get phone calls during Idol because they only know inconsiderate people.

Okay, volume back up. We are in Orlando. But then Ryan and Randy are in Miami. But then they got in a plane and went back to Orlando. What? I don’t know. But you guys, Kristin Chenowith is the guest judge tonight. I’m jealous, bitches. I wish she was like my cousin or something. Her and Kara bond immediately upon meeting and before you know it they are holding hands and high fiving and wearing boob-showing dresses. And then, Glee!!! A scene from Glee!! Wow, I’m a nerd.

Anyway, Kristin and her nervous-self are still walking around in the boob-showing dress, while Ryan encourages a douche bag with shit on his face and a scarf to act more like a douche bag with shit on his face and a scarf. But this scarf is like a scarf that becomes a cape. He – Theo, be thy name - makes Adam Lambert look like the straightest straight person who ever straighted. Simon asks him where he sees himself in ten years should he win Idol. I know he wants to say that he wants to be on stage at an awards show miming oral sex with his back-up dancers, but instead he says he wants to own a salon. Which, auditioning for a singing competition is the first logical step to achieving that dream. He sings ‘Heart breaker’, and it might be good, but he’s yelling it so loud it’s hard to tell. He drops the name of J-Hud and they’re all like, “No. You’re not like J-Hud.”

Kristin says, “No, not for this, but…not for this.”, then Kara takes him into her arms and coddles him and then they “wrong way” him as he leaves. Which isn’t as funny as wrong door, but amusing still.

Ryan wants to ask his friend out in the holding area if he’s Theo boyfriend, but doesn’t want to say the words so instead he just points at him and says “Are you….. ?“ and then pulls the sequins and glitter off of Theo’s face.

I’m playing Farmville during commercial break, because if I don’t, my attention span will wander and the next thing you know, it’s 8 o’clock and I’ve missed the rest of the show. I sometimes need to keep myself engaged. I spend half my time at work waiting for and riding on elevators, so I carry my iPod around with me so I have something to do. Not because I want my boss to catch me and fire me, but because if I don’t, my ADD will kick in, I’ll walk out to the parking lot, drive home, and play Sims 3 for an hour before realizing I’m supposed to be at work. So… yeah. Farmville may be a good thing.

Guy in a chicken suit. Kara and Kristin are in love and planning to get married as soon as they’re done with this here slumber party they’re having with Simon and Randy. If Simon doesn’t stab one or both of them first.

So Samuel’s son has autism. This is just rotten Idol. I can’t bitch about the sob stories because the kid is like 4. How evil would I be? But still, you know how I feel about sob stories.

The kid throws a tantrum when Daddy goes in to audition, which makes me lose all sympathy I just had. I hate whining, tantrum throwing kids. He doesn’t mention the autism in the audition, which is good though. And then he sings nice and gets four yeses.

Speaking of 4 year-olds, this morning I tweeted, “Tell me why you’re so hard to forget.” to David Archuleta. I think I’m going to tweet random past Idol contestants randomly and see if I ever get responses. I mean, I’m sure I won’t, but it would be funny to put what I do say in the recaps every week. I also tweeted “That’s what she said.” In response to something David Cook’s brother tweeted.

… I’m using the word “tweeted” correctly, right? I don’t know, I’m still kind of new. I’m not hip to the lingoes the kids are using nowadays. Anyway, I “followed” a bunch of old contestants today, but so far I can’t think of clever things to say. But in due time, due time.

People walk around, auditioners make hand signs at the camera, Ryan gets nervous next to a tall guy, a hot guy is hot but they say no, and then people jump around, and Simon makes jazz hands.

Randy tells Jermaine not to be “skurred” and he’s like “I’m not, because I have an awesome voice. A voice so

awesome that Randy will raise his eyebrows and Kristin C. will make love to me with her eyes and Kara’s dress will be very boob-showey and she’ll compliment my eyes and I will get 4 yeses.”

And all of this comes true!

There is one person left in the holding area with her “thoughts” which I imagine aren’t really as many as Ryan suggests there may be. She can’t use the right side of her face because of some condition I missed the name of. I kind of like her so far, minus the sob story. But you can see it on her face, so I guess she kind of has to explain it which isn’t the same as a sob story. Don’t you guys just love my double standards? Anyway, she has a really good voice. Then she forgets the words and curses and everybody laughs. She gets a yes with a small y from Simon, three big letters from Randy, and yeses from the girls.

By the way, Kristin’s Coke cup is bigger than she is. I’m afraid she might fall over and drown in it.

A bunch of people get golden tickets and yell and scream over a song that I like but don’t know and google doesn’t recognize it either.

During commercial, I put my dog’s toy on top of her head and waited to see how long it took her to find it.

Kristin had to leave and so on day two it’s just the regular judges and Randy in a shirt that says “seriously”.

Jay Stone beatboxes and a)I didn’t like it the first time when his name was Blake Lewis and b)it’s not even singing. I’m going to take this moment to finish my Kit Kat from earlier. Kara catches the Randy Jackson Dumb-Shit Disease and gives him a yes. She forces Randy to give him a yes against Simon and my better judgement.

A girl sings good, but looks like someone I wouldn’t get along with. A bunch of girls who’ve already been in the top 12 audition and get yeses so they can make it through and go to the top 12 again.

Cornelius claims to have learned his dance skills from strippers. He does the splits and his pants rip down the middle and so just for that, Simon gives him a yes.

Not a single person IMed me during the show tonight, so that’s why there are no convo quotes tonight. I guess people just don’t like Orlando. Or Kristin Chenowith. Or maybe me.

Two whores who have barely kept their clothes on have themselves all over Ryan. Ugh. Well, maybe I shouldn’t judge so quickly. They seem like they might be nice girls, but it’s hard to tell with all the skin I can see. Sister number 1 is good, but nothing I’d remember mixed amongst 11 other contestants. Sister number 2 is better than sister 1 but I don’t know about her either. I can’t really pay attention because a) Sister number 1’s boobs are behind her bothering me, and b) David Cook’s face is covered in that poster behind them. Not by her boobs, just by something. A map of the world, it looks like. Which is kind of like boobs. But not really.

They beg the judges and Randy gets confused and then they all give yeses.

A white boy in a backwards cap sings horrible and they don’t stop him, they just let it keep going. Kara and Randy exchange horrified expressions, but still, they don’t stop him. He said he was singing this song to “give it up for God”, but it’s like he’s shitting on a bible. They tell him no, but he won’t leave, and then he talks like he doesn’t know he’s white, and then he sings some more, and moves his hands around, and keeps on singing, and God, I wanna give this bitch the flu. Randy calls security, who show up 5 minutes later, which is long enough for him to have killed everyone and hid their bodies and made it halfway to the train station. They finally come in and drag him out. Like, literally drag him out, down on the ground, handcuffs, and cops. After he’s long gone, Simon goes, “Yes or no?” HA! I will miss you, Simon. I will miss you.

Matt Lawrence – not the hot one of the Lawrence brothers – but just some guy from the south. He went on an “adventure” one time, robbed a bank with a bbgun like a dipshit, and then spent four years in jail. Yeah, cry about it now, but serves you right to rob a bank. He’s auditioning to make his family proud. But if he gets cut, is he going to shoot Seacrest with a bbgun? Because he bruises like a peach!!

I wonder if Seacrest would hire me to be his personal bodyguard. I mean, if some guy came at him with a knife or a bbgun, I'd be gone like Paris Hilton's virginity, but otherwise, in the safety of his own home, I am so there. Serving and protecting.

Anyway, Matt’s voice is very nice. Simon calls it “brilliant”.

I just noticed that Randy is wearing a playskool watch that has a yellow face, one half of the band is pink and

other half is blue. I’d like to see that on Seacrest.

Next week, LA and fucking Katy Perry.

Just so you guys know, I’m debating getting a domain and posting the recaps on there. At current count, I post this recap in 6 different places and I’m already sick of it and it’s only been 4 days. So I figure to save myself trouble, I’ll make myself one fancy place to post. And also, I can archive all the old recaps in case anyone (ie, me) ever gets bored and wants something to read. I’m still on the fence, but if I decide to do it, I’d like to have it up by next week, the following week at the latest. I’ll keep you updated.

Also, Human Target is lame. Don’t bother watching it. You're welcome.

1/19/10 - I want to stab people who use the phrase “Chi-town”.

2010-01-19T18:08:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you guys a story. My friend auditioned for season 4 in two different cities. St. Louis and Las Vegas. I went along for moral support, but also, ya know, Seacrest, cause he’s always there. But of course, his ass didn’t show up in either city. I was kind of like, meh, whatever, cause he had a talk show and it was magical and it required his time and utmost care. But then the next season, we were going to go to the auditions in Chicago but at the last minute, my friend decided she was feeling too under the weather to go, so we didn’t. Who did I see on the news that night? Gallivanting in Chicago, not 45 minutes from my home? Seacrest!! That son of a bitch. We didn’t speak for months, until I got over it.

Ryan compares auditioning for American Idol to being president and then we see footage of Obama.

Shania Twain changed the face of music, yada yada, yada, blah blah blah. I want to hear Seacrest sing ‘I Feel Like A Woman’, even though I have an audio clip of him singing a song that goes “got a nice package alright, think I’m gonna have to ride it tonight” and nothing can beat that.

Kaitlin from didn’t want to audition even though her mom told her she should every year, but she thought she was above the show so she always said no. And her parents are divorced. Blah, blah, blah. I DON’T CARE ABOUT SOB STORIES!! Especially not at this point. Save it for the video packages once you’ve made it to the top 12. Or better yet, post-Idol. I wanted to do this huge rant about sob stories, but I’m lazy. So just shut the fuck up. Her voice is good, but annoying, but maybe I’m just already annoyed because of the sob story. Or maybe I just don’t like songs by Duffy. I don’t know. I’m just not into her. Her hair is too big. It’s full of secrets. And not good ones.

Amy is a chubby girl – who kinds of looks like a chubby Rachel from Glee, only not hot - who thinks that all she has to do is “wait in line for a few hours and become famous.” Then she tries to hit on Seacrest! Set her on fire!! Somebody set her on fire!! Ryan’s clearly not having any of it, so he practically shoves her into the judges room, where she lays on the floor, sings bad, and then bounces her boobs to the beat of the music. They all give her a no.

Charity is a stupid name. And she’s singing ‘Summertime’. I’d say I was listening, but the reality is I can’t stop staring at David Cook on the poster behind her and hearing dirty music in my head.

roarimaraptor: i wasn't watching because i want to do dirty things to that david cook poster behind her

Kel: calm down hooker

roarimaraptor: gasp!

roarimaraptor: hookers do it for the money

Kel: ok...calm down slut

roarimaraptor: that's better

roarimaraptor: i can't even get any respect over here

Kel: cause you're a slut.

roarimaraptor: don't judge me!

Since its commercial break, I should tell you guys about how I tried to teach my 4 year-old niece to call Ryan, “Uncle Seacrest”, and now somehow she thinks he’s her father.

Back from commercial break, a bunch of crazy people audition, including a lady on an accordion and a guy in his underwear, a girl in a wedding gown, and of course, a bunch of bitches who can’t sing. God, I really love the positioning of David’s picture behind them. Seriously. I’d watch this show just for that if I had no other reason.

Simon is accosted in the hallway for telling some lady’s daughter she can’t sing. Simon’s all like, “You still like me.” And walks away.

So Angela made it to Hollywood in season… some other season that wasn’t this one. She had to drop out because she had to go to traffic court. That’s what you get for speeding, bitch. Speeding will fuck up your life!! Learn from Angela’s lesson! I don’t like her, not only because she’s just another annoying voiced black singer, it’s because she has three sob stories rolled into one. The handicapped daughter, the dad who was killed, and the traffic ticket. Not that the first two aren’t horrid things, but shut up about them. Do you think you’d get hired for a job if you brought a sob story to your audition? But anyway, I’m too lazy to rant. The judges trick her into thinking it’s a no and then tell her yes. Like the Buttabi brothers. “You two are brothers?” “No…. YES!!”

Some cute guys get through to Hollywood, some not-so-cute guys get through too. Then probably some girls too.

Kauly Jo: dude, was that kris allen?

Kauly Jo: didn't someone tell him he won?

Commercial break tidbit:

For those of you who don't know, last week I yelled at Ryan Seacrest on his Twitter to start spelling his words out right, rather than using "u" and "ur".

blozor636: I don't think Ryan's the kind of guy who can handle being yelled at by a chick.

roarimaraptor: he needs to spell right if he wants to stay in this relationship

You won’t believe this, but after the commercial, a bunch of idiots scream about how they ARE the next American Idol. And then Randy Jackson yells into a camera about Jennifer Hudson, even though the week she got eliminated there was a huge power outage due to a tornado in Chicago and apparently none of her fans could vote for her, but really I think it was just the wind trying to take her down. It wooshed past my house yelling, “Take that, Jennifer Hudsoooooooooooooooooooooooooooon.”

People audition, don’t make it, and Ryan acts cute. This guy named Brian claims he sang for troops while in the service, then he comes in and sings, his voice hideously similar to a cat being slaughtered. He calls the judges, “Mr. Cowell and Mr. Jackson” and insists that his audition is not a joke. Now he’s tired and going home to take a bath and relax his thoughts. That’s seriously what he said. But I can’t tell if he’s trying to be funny or not.

TCreature3: OMG WTF

TCreature3: now i feel bad for the troops he was singing to

Ryan’s upset out in the hall that nobody is getting golden tickets. Blame it on the city smog and traffic, Ryan. Or you can blame it on the rain, it was falling falling. Except, it wasn’t raining. I just wanted to quote Milli Vanilla.

Harold looks like every famous black guy I’ve ever seen, except for Jay-z, who just has a very unfortunate face. He singing an Usher song, which isn’t horrible, but not great either. Or as he claims it, he has allergies. Then he cries like a big dumb sissy baby. They coddle him, but I’d be all like, “Man up, fuck tard!” Not that men can’t cry, but shut up, Harold. And get some pampers for you and your brother while you’re at it. Speaking of crying, I wonder if I went in there and cried hard enough, if they’d let me just take a knife and cut out around David’s body in that poster.

An Asian boy sings pretty. Shania either likes his butt or his lower range, I’m not sure. She hasn’t said much tonight and as soon as she starts talking, it’s worse than anything Paula’s ever done, and Paula’s things have involved under-aged boys.

TCreature3: i think they make them be on drugs like Paula to fill the void

All the judges say yes, and his friends out in the hall react as if he’s the first person ever to get a golden ticket… hmmm, I wonder who was the first person EVER to get a yes to Hollywood?

Ryan hangs out in the holding area and pressures them into getting golden tickets since there haven’t been very many thus far.

God, again with the sob stories. I refuse to even discuss it. Did you see David Cook walking in here moaning about his dying brother? No! Is it tragic? Yes. Does it have anything to do with whether or not you can sing? No! If you use something in your life - whether it be your cancer, your family member’s cancer, the asthma attack you had that one time, or the bunion your mom has - to garner sympathy or to get an edge, then you’re a jack-ass. If you let the show do it for you, then you’re a weak jack-ass and this business is gonna eat you alive anyway.

I guess I wasn’t so lazy for a rant after all.

I’m skipping her mostly, except to say that her voice is good but I’ve already been tainted and find her annoying, but it’s funny that Randy jerks her around forever before giving her a yes. Next.

I don’t understand why the tie goes to the yeses. I think it should be settled by Ryan and I wrestling in Jello. I haven’t decided all the rules yet, but I’ll work it out by next season.

A bunch of people get yeses, including one cute guy who we already saw get through earlier. Stupid editors. Pay attention and quit drooling over the Cook poster!

I will miss this show so much when it’s gone. Which, by the way, if and when this show gets cancelled, I'm going to spend the rest of my life wandering around the streets homeless and singing 'I Will Survive' to myself. And I'll hold Simon Cowell personally responsible. Just thought you guys should know.

See ya tomorrow!!

1/13/10 – Where’s your crown, King Nothing?

2010-01-13T18:35:00.000-08:00

Was this show on yesterday? I already feel like I can't remember it. However, I do remember reading yesterday that Idol Chat won't be on anymore because Kimberly Caldwell is "embarking on a full-time singing career"..... HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh my god. I can't breath. Give me a second.... HAHAHAHA!! .... HAHAHAHAHA! It won't stop! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Ow, my stomach. Seriously, I haven't laughed this hard since that time Aaron Carter remade 'I Want Candy'. Who's supporting this singing career? You couldn't pay me to listen to anything she records and I have 200+ Idol related songs AND Paris Hilton on my ipod. I'm one of three people in the whole country who think the coronation songs are magic, particularly 'No Boundaries' and 'Inside Your Heaven'. You know that says a lot ABOUT Caldwell. It says more about Caldwell than it does about me and my iPod. I'm just sayin'. I still want to know where David Cook went wrong there. I hope in my psychology class this semester that I get an answer to that. Though I suspect the answer would involve the words “blow job” and “easy”.

We are in Atlanta tonight and nobody who’s auditioning knows that Ryan was born there. Seriously, he asks everybody. And they don’t know. And then Mary J. Blige is there and I don’t even care. She brought her kids along like the auditions are an effin’ day care center. I mean, if Paula were here, they sort of would be. But she’s not.

blozor636: Oh God. I'm glad they didn't choose Mary. It would be like two Randys, and one is enough.

blozor636: They would just have entire conversations that go "Dawg." "Dawg." "Dawg." "Dawg?" "Dawg!”

It’s funny when black guys are nerds. Dewone Robinson made up a song once and his brother and sister said, why did you do that, and then he grew up and came to audition for American Idol. He’s singing what I guess is that same song, in 8 different voices. There’s only one word to the song apparently and it’s “laty”. And then, I’m not sure what’s happening, but there’s some arguing and I look away and write some other stuff, and when I come back again, he’s still singing the “laty” song and the judges are still pretending he has a chance. Then Randy starts yelling, “Security!!” like he didn’t encourage this guy to act like an ass in the first place.

I forgot to mention the glass, Willy Wonka elevator that takes the contestants up to the audition room and then back down again. Is this because those Italian boys tried to smash Ryan? Is this to keep him safe? I think it is.

You know, we have at least 2 more weeks of these auditions left, but I’m already done with them. I wish I could skip them, but I made a commitment.

You remember that blind guy last year? The one I almost married over the summer? If his hair grew a little bit longer and exploded with the intensity of Chicago humidity… and also, was a black girl, you’d get Keia Johnson. She sings (read: yells) about how we are safe in her heart and her heart will go on and on. She gets through.

Some people are annoying but get yeses anyway, and then somebody sings The Climb, and you know it’s the beginning of everybody singing The Climb. You know it! And when it happens, you know I called it yesterday.

But first up is Jermaine, who lives not far from me. Interesting. I know a black guy. Maybe it’s him. His voice is good, but the hat… not so much. He’s in.

Um, I missed a few things, because someone IMed me about handcuffs and I was thinking about David Cook and Ryan Seacrest in handcuffs and jeans and other varying degrees of things. When I looked up, bad things were happening. A girl was singing and then crying about how it’s her passion and making everybody uncomfortable. Don’t let your dreams hang all out like that! You’re embarrassing us all and making us twitchy.

Hot guy sucks is denied. Girl that guys probably think is hot is denied. More people denied. A bunch of really tall girls in a row denied.

Then Vanessa Wolfe jumps off a bridge – because she is a “bridge jumper” - like the Hillbilly she apparently is. Ya know, with the hillbilly music playing and the Tennessee accent. I kind of like her. She bought a dress for 4 dollars at the dollar store and is afraid the judges are going to look down on her. Awww. They will Vanessa. They will. But I like you. I can’t tell if she’s good or not. She’s like Kellie Pickler, but with that twangy-ness that Dolly Parton has.

I should mention how hot Ryan is today. Geez. Someone turn a fan on me.

Anyway, Simon says she’s ill-prepared for this, but distinct and authentic. She gets 4 yeses. She’s like that boy I loved… what was his name? The one who had never sang in front of anybody but a turkey? I dunno, but she’s like the female version of him. I really like her. Ya know, besides the misfortunate dress. And I rarely ever like the girls. Proven by this unrelated convo I had today at work:

Coworker - Women are only good for one thing, right? Laundry.

Me - Shut up. And cooking.

Oh, I am so sexist. Watch this video I made with one of my peeps (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaKpm4LdLaA). The girls on a livejournal community that I refuse to name outloud, called us racist, sexist, and everything in-between.

Back from commercial, Ryan is wearing something different, but he’s still looking good. He’s talking to another hillbilly who almost died 3 times. They do a “cheap dramatization” of all three times. It’s funny, but Ryan just stares at him in the waiting area. I love watching him “interview” these people. He doesn’t have to do anything but stand there and let them talk circles around themselves. I was making screen caps from last night’s show and in every single one he’s making exactly the same face no matter how long the scene goes on. It’s awesome. But anyway, the guy is really bad and Mary laughs so hard it looks like she might be having a seizure. That’s just rude. Get off the stage, bitch. Or out of that chair, whatever. I mean, it’s funny that stupid people think they can sing, but this guy doesn’t have two brain cells to rub together. He’s not even smart enough to know you’re laughing at him. That’s wrong. People need to deserve having that kind of shit done right in front of their faces.

Montage of people crying.

Mmmm, David Cook. Mmmm, Matt Giraud. Mmmmm, Kris Allen. We’re seeing a montage of all the old Idols who played instruments on stage. You’re not allowed to bring instruments into auditions, but this girl, who looks like she might be Kellie Pickler’s younger sister is dressed like a guitar. And wearing glasses shaped like guitars. Her voice is awesome, but Mary doesn’t get her. Yeses from everybody else.

You know what would be funny? If someone pretended they didn't get a golden ticket when they really did get a golden ticket. That'd be genius! Oh look, she just did it!! So funny.

A boy who looks like a cat, a boy named Hansel singing Reflection, a gay boy who loves Britney Spears. Nos all around.

Right now my mom is getting all indignant because Mary can’t seem to find the time to pay attention to this girl with big boobs who is singing a country song. The judges and Mary love her.

A montage of people getting golden tickets and yelling and being excited. Then a montage of me being hungry but too lazy to get up and make a sandwich.

Two things. 1) A new Bones tomorrow!! YAY!! 2) Kelly Clarkson likes Bones. YAY!

Skiboski is a pimp with the Idol logo shaved into his head. If I ever lose my hair for whatever reason, I want Ryan’s name shaved in it. For reals.I hope he isn’t good, cause I don’t want to deal with him. Damn it, he’s good. He’s singing that song about the grapevine that spreads rumors about people and he heard it. He says something that confuses even Randy, and everybody but the guys like him. So he’s through to Hollywood. Randy calls him “skiblowski” cause he’s an idiot.

Carmen and Lauren are stupid BFFs and are auditioning together and one of them isn’t wearing pants. Didn’t these two girls audition together last year? Ryan asks how long they’ve been friends, but accentuates the friends part. Then Kara hints around about whether or not they’ve made porn together or plan on making porn together. They act like stupid, pointless teenagers until Simon forces them to shut up and audition. The one who isn’t wearing pants sings boring and the other one, who also isn’t wearing pants, is a little better, but not by much. She’s basically desecrating a Kelly Clarkson song. I’m not impressed. In fact, I’m shaking my fist at the Kelly abuse. Simon calls them ditz and forces the rest of the judges to tear apart their friendship by saying yes to one of them and no to the other. But they’re basically the same person in different color shirts anyway, so what’s the difference.

During commercial break, I went to go make a peanut butter sandwich and got bit in the butt by a dog on the way.

Girls, girls, girls, and more girls who can’t sing. Then a girl, who might be a boy, or maybe a boy as a girl, I’m not sure, but he/she can’t sing.

Simon gets up and walks away. I don’t know why. My mom is on the phone and won’t shut up! Just chit-chatting like we’re not watching something. The manners in this house, I swear.

Anyway, Bryan is a cop, and he’s got a good voice.

Kauly Jo: i already wanna marry this guy

roarimaraptor: me too

Kauly Jo: i called it first. step off bitch

roarimaraptor: hehe

Kauly Jo: because marriage should be like shotgun

roarimaraptor: HA!

Randy’s all syched like, “Dawg! Cops can’t sing but then you came in and you sang and you totally faked us out! I’m an idiot, dawg!” I’m paraphrasing. Bryan’s on to Hollywood.

A guy with a beard acts stupid and can’t listen and keeps bursting into song. And then Mary J. Blige won’t shut up about whatever it is she won’t shut up about. And then he leaves cursing and then comes back and starts singing again until security literally has to drag his ass out. Even the people in the elevator with him are standing as far from him as they can. They’re like pressed against the walls. Ha! What a dumbass.

Last audition is a 62 year old homeless man, singing an original called, Pants On the Ground. I love this guy. I hope this song will be sold on iTunes later tonight, because this is awesome. I want this ringtone!

Randy gets up and starts singing the song with him, and then later(earlier?) does it for Ryan while doing sit-ups and then later everybody in the holding area sings it. Awesome. I want this guy to win.

I’m already wore down to a tiny little nub from these 3 and a half hours, but we’ll be back next week for some more. Out.

1/12/09 – Stop singing forever

2010-01-12T19:00:00.000-08:00

It is time, my friends. It is time. I came here to write recaps and chew bubble gum... and I'm all out of bubble gum.

But before I begin another season of recaps, I think it's only fair to inform you of the 3 life altering events that happened to me since last we spoke. They have forever changed my outlook on life. 1) I got an iTouch. 2) I got an Xbox (with Xbox live and Netflix, which means my family, friends, and dvr never see me anymore). and 3) I turned 30. Also, I developed a crush on Zachary Quinto that rivals most others. David Cook wouldn't stop seeing other skanky women and Seacrest wouldn't commit to me, so what else was I supposed to do? Ya know that whole should have put a ring on it thing? Well, they should have. Cause when you don't, people move on. So let that be a lesson to all of you. Especially you Zachary. Especially you.

But the one good thing about this show is that it usually reminds me of why I loved Seacrest in the first place. It's why we've had such a long, draw out, rocky relationship. I always come back, because if Lady Gaga exists for only one reason, it is to remind us that when it's love if it's not rough it isn't fun. And these auditions are nothing if not rough.

But seriously, you guys, I'm concerned. Without Paula, what will I make fun of? I mean, besides the bounty that is the rest of the show.

My psychic claim for this season: Everyone's going to audition with The Climb and ruin the magic for me.
My hopes for this season: That Seacrest will try to talk to a deaf person and someone will sing a stirring rendition of 'Springtime for Hitler'.

On to the recap!!

Ew, Avril Lavigne is going to be a guest judge. And then there’s Ellen! WHOO!!! But that is not tonight, that is weeks away.
Tonight, we are in Boston. Ryan is looking delicious in a black t-shirt. I want to eat him like a piece of fried chicken. I remember why I love him now.
9,000 people are standing in the rain, screaming about how they are all the next American Idol, and a boy is wearing a tiara and wings. Awesome, I hope we get to see his audition.

Ryan is wearing jeans, and then everybody freaks out about Kara. I have nothing to say to or about Simon tonight.
Posh Spice – who may or may not have a real name, which may or may not only be “David Beckham’s wife” – is the guest judge today, but she kind of looks like a mannequin that got up and started walking around. And developed an English accent. Shut up, Victoria. You look like plastic and wax.

A girl drinks water in a bathroom, jumps up and down and yells, and then scares Ryan out in the hall. Then she comes in and jumps around in front of the judges and… I just remembered Paula was gone. I’m sad. It’s like she’s dead, only she’s not. Anyway, jumping girl Janet sings and it’s horrible. I don’t know why she even came here today. Even the computer versions of the judges in the Idol video game told her wasn’t going to Hollywood time and time again. But she showed up anyway. And also, she thinks Kara is Paula.

Does Luke Wilson do anything but make phone commercials? I swear there’s a new one every day.

Maddie is 16 years old and 9 of 12 kids. She has a brother with Down syndrome, so her family decided to adopt a bunch of other kids with Down syndrome. That is many levels of awesome. I hope they let her through to Hollywood. She sings I don’t know, but the title alone makes the judges all go “OOOOOOH!” Then she sings it and I’m all “OOOOOH!” She’s awesome and through to Hollywood. Awww, Ryan hugs the Down syndrome kid. I love him.

But God, I’m so sick of looking at Vitoria Beckham. It’s only been 19 minutes and I’m already sick of her face. If you can call it that. She looks like something risen from some sort of dead.

Kauly Jo: who let the mummy loose??? and where the fuck is brendan fraser when you need him???

Douchebag in the holding area acts like a douche bag. Then another one does it again, only he also yells, “Holla!!!” a dozen times and gets punched in the face. He’s so gay. And he’s singing womanizer. Or rather, “singing” womanizer. It’s actually fun, but then gets annoying. Go home. I’m sick of you already. He calls Simon “Sassy Simon”. HAHA!! I’ve changed my mind, I like him. Not his voice though. They should do a show, like The Real World, where people just hang out, only not with douchebags. With actually cool people.

A bunch of girls are awesome, but I generally don’t approve of females on this show, so whatevs. It’s weird, but all these girls look like Kara in different wigs. I don’t know what you’re playing at Idol, but I’ll find out. Mark my words!
In the holding area, Ryan slowly backs away from a guy whose pecs are the size of Ryan’s entire body. He’s large and Italian with a large, Italian family. They eat lots of cheese and sausage and bread. But can he sing? I don’t know. His video package goes on so long, I almost wander away to make some spaghetti. But then woah, he sings. Loud and proud. He’s Simon’s favorite audition thus far. He gets 4 yesses. Him and his Italian brothers almost kill Ryan in their celebration. Then Ryan runs away, because he can’t handle so much testosterone.

Derrick got into music during the lowest peak in his life, which I’m guessing was like homeroom class, since he looks like he’s still in high school.
There’s a video montage of him being all one with nature. Kissing flowers and hugging the air. He looks like Ace Young if Ace were younger, blonde, dirty, and not cute. He likes Chris Brown, which I guess means he approves of domestic abuse. God, his singing is domestic abuse. He wouldn’t even need to hit his woman, just start singing like a schizophrenic. Then he walks outside and becomes one with nature again. I wish he’d stop talking about touching me. Go touch a tree, dude. Trees don’t mind weirdos.

Simon makes a bunch of people cry over the sounds of ‘Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word’. And then omg, they bring up Bikini Girl. Let her die, Idol!! Let her die!!

ANOTHER new Luke Wilson phone commercial! Did he just film this?! Make it stop!

Stupid people with stupid hair and stupid anime obsessions stand out in the rain. And by people, I mean one girl in particular who keeps kicking and punching the air. Ryan gets confused and calls her a “Fashionista”. She wants to become a singer… in Japan. I’m sure Japan has an Idol show of their own, why don’t they go there? Even Ryan is looking at her like he just can’t handle her. And he’s Ryan Seacrest! There’s nothing that man can’t handle! He finds nothing annoying!

She sings real bad, and when Simon tells her the truth that she sucks, she argues, and they have to tell her the truth that her vocal coaches were liars, or quite possibly just drunk homeless guys she’s calling her vocal coaches. She cries and yells, “How dare you!” at the cameras.

Randy thinks “anime” is a thing a person can be. Oh Randy. Welcome back.

Mmmmm, hot guy gets a yes. It’s like Matt Giraud part 2. Guy who’s not hot with a good voice gets a yes. Oh God, it’s one of the douchebags from the holding room earlier. He looks like the combination of a bunch of separate douches combined into one and then wearing stupid glasses and having an attitude. God, he’s a dick. This makes me miss even Danny Gokey. Omg, I’d marry Danny Gokey instead of even look at this guy. Simon tells him to stop being a smartass or he can leave, but he just starts acting like a passive-aggressive smartass instead.

Mom - You know who he reminds me of?
Me - A douchebag?

I bet he leads a double life as a serial killer. Kara asks him why he’s so angry, and he says he’s mad from waiting all day, and she tells him off, and he stabs her with his eyes. They all say no. Instead of leaving, he just acts like an ass prompting Kara to ask him if he’s ever had a girlfriend. Then he stabs her with his eyes again. I’m surprised this guy is such a huge douche and I haven’t dated him yet.

2 gay guys audition in a row and they both sound like Clay Aiken drunk.

Ho hum, girl with a nice voice singing Alicia Keys and goes to Hollywood. But she doesn’t even try to hug Ryan. I don’t trust people who don’t try and hug Ryan when they get a chance. That is like my dream!

An hour into this and I haven’t wanted to marry anybody yet. This ain’t even right. I’m bored. I think I’m gonna go wax my chin… but wait. A boy dressed like a hippie fell out of a tree and broke his wrists and is now singing ‘Let’s Get It On’.

Hmmm. Perhaps chin waxing can wait. I take back what I said. I want to marry him. Or at least let him try and get it on with me. His name is Tyler. Possible top twelve. Make note of it.

A bunch of people go to Hollywood.

Day 2 in Boston. Randy says that Simon was late for the second day of auditions because he out trying to find the Boston Tea Party. Oh Randy. Maybe you do have a purpose after all.

Lisa is a waitress who sings really bad and then walks out in slow motion. Guy sucks. William Hung’s little brother. Emo Goth Girl. Black Emo Goth Girl. Guy dressed like he’s marching band leader. A girl who can’t say “firefighter”. Cute boy named Mike. He has a guitar tattooed on his arm. Put him through! Oh wait, maybe we should hear him sing first. Mmmm, yes. Put him through. While the judges deliberate, Ryan hangs out with Mike’s mom, because he loves moms and nanas. Then Mike is through! I think I might want to marry him. Even though Ryan comes up to his shoulder and sort of acts like a frat boy.

I forgot to pay attention for a minute cause I was reading on textsfromlastnight.com, but when I looked up, a girl was crying about how her grandma has Alzheimer’s. That’s so sad. She’s awesome. She sounds like Carrie, but looks like Selena Gomez. This could work. She calls her grandma and grandma cries which makes Ryan cry.
Hot guy with good voice. He sounds like Rascal Flatt’s lead singer but looks like someone who’s face I can’t place. I would marry him. Simon thinks his voice doesn’t match his age. Randy makes him tell Simon to shut up. Then Simon makes him tell Randy to shut up. They’re trying to make him more assertive but he’s too nice for it to work. He’s through to Hollywood.

OMG! Another new Luke Wilson phone commercial! They must be filming these as the show is airing. “Hurry and edit this shit together! It’s almost a commercial break!”

blozor636: AT&T used to be Cingular, and I will never use them because of that.
roarimaraptor: also, they suck

Back from commercial, Ryan’s up on a rafter above the judges table talking softly. Almost in a seductive whisper. Yes, Ryan. I’ll do anything you say. I love you. Then a bunch of sucky guys ruin our moment by being sucky. Ryan tries to interview said sucky boys but I’d rather be at the dentist than hear about it.

I missed his name even though they’ve been showing him before every commercial break, but cute boy with facial hair was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, or as he thinks, he caught it while vacationing in Spain. Not to knock cancer survivors or anything, but he doesn’t even have cancer anymore, it’s been in remission for a while, so that’s kind of like false advertising right there. Trying to make us sound like he’s dying of it as we speak, so we must vote for him. I was all ready to break my no voting rule, you bastards. He’s singing that song I hate about the new dawn and the new day and the new light, but he’s pretty in the ear. He looks kind of like Ace too. Why does everybody look like varying degrees of Kara and Ace?!

Boy with crazy hair. His name is Norberto but he looks like Michael Jackson’s son Blanket if he were older with some crazy long hair and sang a Cascada song on Idol. He keeps forgetting the lyrics, but nobody wants to tell him he sucks, so they let him keep explaining that he’s nervous and starting over. Then Simon calls him weird and he nearly cries. Then the judges argue over whether he looks more like Michael or Janet.

I think this next kid is Nigerian, but I hope he doesn’t try to get Randy to help him transfer millions of dollars to his bank account. OMG! He’s singing ‘You Look So Good In Love’.

Kauly Jo: ok, a black guy is singing George Strait
Kauly Jo: put him through just for that!!
roarimaraptor: that's the best thing ever!

Everyone but Simon gives him a yes.

And this for no reason:

Kauly Jo: posh looks better on this day
roarimaraptor: like they rehydrated her
Kauly Jo: hehe
Kauly Jo: yes!

Omg, the show is almost over. I thought there was like 30 minutes left.

One girl left. She’s good, but… yeah. That’s all. She’s not slutty, at least. Not being slutty is always worth bonus points. Judges put her through as the best they’ve seen.

The end. I’m spent.

Back tomorrow!

I had to add ‘Seacrest’ to my spell-check dictionary just now.

May 20, 2009 - Some will win. Some will lose. Some were born to sing the blues.

2009-05-20T19:12:00.000-07:00

So we've got the city boy, born and raised in South Detroit and the small town girl, living in a lonely world and they both took the midnight train going to American Idol… Oh wait. I'm sorry, I was watching Glee again right before this. I love that show already. But I hope Idol never pulls that crap with me where it airs one episode in May and then makes me wait until the fall to see the next. I will roll over on you!! Ask Melrose Place what happened when they left me with a cliff-hanger season finale. Go ahead and ask! They’ll tell you we never spoke again. That was 1995 and the scars STILL hurt.

Anyway, THIS is American Idol. The guys are both dressed from head to toe in white, except for Adam’s black hooker boots. But damn, they both look good in their pants tonight. Yeah, I went there. I got dirty. Wanna make something of it? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Ryan’s “dawg”, Randy, is wearing a bow tie. Kara is wearing GIANT earrings. Paula is wearing a dress the color of skin, so it’s almost like she’s not wearing anything at all. And Simon’s shirt is unbuttoned to like his 7th rib. And Carrie Underwood is looking purty in the audience tonight. I don’t know most celebrities by name, so I can’t specify who is here… but there are a lot of them here tonight.

Adam is stunned by how many people are here, and his microphone isn’t working right so we don’t actually get to hear how stunned he really is.

Mikalah Gordon is in Kris’s home town with a skin and hair color I hardly remember. She annoys a poor little girl who can’t form words. Paula’s daughter perhaps?

Carly Smithson and her ridiculous tattoo are in San Diego. I guess that means they’re won’t be any kind of fight off between her tattoo and Megan’s. That makes me sad. I was looking forward to that.

Remember how we hoped and prayed for so long for Danny Gokey to leave and then he finally did? Well, he's baa-ack. Never was there a better time to climb inside a staticy television set. Earlier this week, Danny said he loves Michael Sarver in the “right” way, meaning the non-gay way, which is offensive on several levels, not the least of them being that it was Danny’s mouth doing the talking. Him and Miss California should get married and have a bunch of babies so I can have more reasons not to want to go to Church. I want to make out with a chick now, just to show him. Where’s a Clarkson when you need one? I’m glad after tomorrow night I will never have to mention his name again. Oh wait… the tour. Well, from now on I’m going to call him ‘That Guy’.

That Guy and the other top 12 are singing that Pink song about how she wants to start a fight with her husband, but so what, cause she’s a rock star. I love that song so much that one time I was singing along to it at the Taco Bell drive thru without even realizing that my window was open. But so what, cause I am a rock star. I got my rock moves. In my car.

I forgot about Jorge!! Wait… who’s this black girl? Was she in the top 13 before? I don’t recognize her. I don’t recognize any of these people!! But I do love this song. Everybody is dressed in white, like lovely lovely angels who‘s names I don‘t know.

blozor636: It's cool how they let everyone wear their normal clothing styles, only in white. It's like what the past season would have looked like if all the contestants died in some horrible bus accident and competed in Heaven.

GASP! I forgot to look for Scott!! I was supposed to stare into his eyes and sing ‘You Found Me’. My bad, I guess.

My husba-… I’m sorry. I mean, David Cook is here singing ‘Permanent‘. I can’t believe he’s singing this song. He wrote it about his brother who passed away like two weeks ago. That’s brave. I’d break into tears before even leaving the house. He’s guitar-less and dressed in a vest with a tiny tie. It’s acoustic almost all the way through, but then, unlike the album version, drums kick in. OMG, I love it. I want to marry David so much. Also, his drummer. And dude, Andy Skibb is hot. A man on piano is always hot.

Kauly Jo: i love how he's dressed like a rockin' banker

Kauly Jo: "you want a loan for a fender? righteous!! go for it!"

This performance is going to be available on iTunes and the proceeds go to an organization that helps find a cure for brain cancer. I don’t participate in the iTunes, but I will tonight.

Heh. Justin Guarini is ultra tanned.

So we’re doing the useless filler of handing out fake awards to the bad singers. I won’t go through it, but think of some of the weirdest male singers from the auditions and imagine them auditioning again and then one of them being here and being given an award. NICK NORMAN MITCHELL GENTLE!!!!!

And the winner is… Nick Mitchell!! He comes out from the audience in a hoodie and jeans because nobody told he was going to be winning anything. Then he rips his clothes off, yells “hit it”, and sings the usual song. Nicely played, Idol!! I forgive you for not giving me the Tattoo fight off I wanted. HAHA! This is the best moment of the night. I don’t even need to watch the rest to tell you this is the best moment of the night. “Norman Gentle ‘09. Peace out.” HAHA!!

HA! Ryan is wearing Nick’s glasses and hair band. HAHAHA! Oh God, I love you Seacrest. This is a good night, so far.

Oh wait. Nevermind. Lil is singing. But oooh, wait! Queen Latifah is singing with her. I love Queen Latifah like woah, you guys. Not in a lesbian way at all and not in that weird way where I want to turn into a dude, but just in a “she’s so awesome and Bringing Down The House is hilarious” kind of way. Is Eminem dancing back-up?

Anoop is singing that song I hate about…. I don’t know what. ’I’m Yours’ I think. I hate it. Alexis is singing with him and so is Jason Mraz. In other words, nothing I care to see or hear is happening on the screen right now, so I feel like leaving the room. Wait, the other Idols are joining them. Scott looks as out of place as he ever did. It must be so weird not to be able to see anything on that big ole stage in that big old room in that big ole city. If I was blind, I’d climb into a hole and never leave it.

Video Montage of Kris Allen. He auditioned, he high-fived Smokey Robinson, he played piano, he made it to the finale. Kris and Keith Urban are singing ‘Kiss A Girl”.

Note to self: Download this song later. But only audio, because Keith Urban plays guitar like he’s having a seizure, and who wants to look at that.

I think Justin Guarini and Paula went tanning together and fell asleep in the booth. Or somebody - I’d guess Ryan or Adam - ‘accidentally’ left them in there too long like that episode of Family Guy when Stewie got a tanning bed. Well done, boys. Well done. You’re still the prettiest two here tonight.

The 5 girls are singing ‘Glamorous’. It‘s aweful. It‘s so aweful. That’s why we haven’t seen another female on this show for like the last 6 weeks, aside from Allison. But then Fergie is here to save the night. She’s singing a song I love, ‘Big Girls Don’t Cry’. Do you guys remember when she was on Kids Incorporated? Man, did I love that show. Apparently, I just love singing shows. That show was lip synched to hell and back… but still. I loved it. By the way, the Black-eyes Peas look like thugs. I’d hate to run into them in a dark alley. Or even a well lit alley. And ha!! Things cut out while they were rapping. I wish it had lasted longer. This is annoying. And tell Fergie to put some pants on. They do some weird shit that would be cool if this was like that Randy Jackson dance show. But it’s not. So shut up and move on. Except all the judges stand up and clap and Ryan calls them “number one”. Shut up, Seacrest. I never say that to you, but I say it now.

Another award. “Best Attitude”. Nominees are Bikini Face, some crazy girl, and another crazy girl I don’t remember who chops up ‘Because of You‘ so badly that it kills Kelly Clarkson and then spins her around in her freshly dug grave. Ew, bikini on stage. I refuse to recap this part. Except that Ryan makes a joke about her new boob job.

HA! Okay, but then Kara comes out singing and that is awesome. I mean, it would be awesome if it wasn’t Bikini Face on stage with her. Even David Cook is loving it. But he better be keeping his eyes to himself if he knows what’s good for him!!

Kara flashes her own bikini, in a non-trashy way, and so Ryan donates money to some charity for it.

Ryan harasses his dad in the audience and then Allison is singing ‘Time After Time’ with Cyndi Lauper and her crotch. Allison is magical, ya’ll. I’d like to learn her last name one of these days.

Both IMs received at the same time:

Kauly Jo: is cindy seizing?

blozor636: Cindy Lauper's going into a seizure!

Ryan goes to talk to Kris’s parents and his mom admits that this spectacle has already made her forget why they were even here. Me too! I forgot all about Kris or Adam until just now. They could have just ended the show at 9, and not announced a winner, and I wouldn’t even have realized until sometime during lunch tomorrow.

“That Guy” is sitting on the steps singing ‘Hello’. David Cook must be spinning in his chair! And then Lionel Richie is here. I wish he’d sing ‘Penny Lover’. I do love that song, and so does Seacrest. But they sing some other songs that go on forever and ever. It’s so long that you can the difference in the beard growth on “That Guy” from the beginning to end.

Adam’s journey: He started performing when he was ten, then he came here and audition, and then he took the country by storm. Then he started talking about his period. Then he came on stage wearing a jacket that looks like he got tangled up in a tumbleweed. He’s wearing giant boots, and leather pants, and handcuffs, and OMG, he’s singing ‘Beth’. This is probably every Kiss fan’s least favorite song, but it’s my favorite. I LOVE THIS SONG! Then Adam and Kiss are singing ‘Detroit Rock City’ and ‘I Wanna Rock and Roll All Night‘. Seriously, if anybody wore what Adam is wearing, they’d be laughed off the planet. But somehow… he makes it awesome. That must be what rock and roll is really about.

Carlos Santana. Boring. Ooh, but then Matt. I forgot about Matt. Then the rest of the Idols come out. Adam is wearing suspenders and it makes me want to have his babies. I mean, I’m committed to David and Ryan and all, but neither one of them ever calls, so if Adam and I decide to hook up… well, it’s their own faults for neglecting me. Everyone is wearing black and red and looking snazzy. Except Scott can’t find the camera ever. He kind of fumbles around cause nobody is holding on to him. I love me all kinds of Scott, but he needs to stay behind an instrument. The awkward movements just make me sad.

The Ford video is a song I love and must download. Once I find out the name.

But then there’s a video of David Cook, my sugar daddy, giving Adam and Kris the keys to a car.

Then Sarver and Arm Tattoo are singing while Steve Martin plays the banjo. This is like a parody. Is this SNL? Is that Kristin Wig? I do love Steve Martin though. I want to watch ‘Cheaper By The Dozen’ now.

All the boys are in black suits singing ’Do Ya Think I’m Sexy’. No, but I do want to vomit right now. Oooh, except for Matt. And Adam. And sometimes Scott. It’d be awesome if they sang ‘Men In Black’. And then Rod Stewart is here, looking and sounding like he just spun himself right out of his grave. There’s dancing and banjos, and Paula’s boobs, and Bo Bice and celebrities spazzing in the audience.

Another award. For outstanding female. I don’t remember any of these people. They’re so un-rememberable that there’s no point in doing this. Why are they doing this? Oh. Tatiana. That’s why. Her laugh makes me want to shoot myself. Or her. But I will not do jail time for her! Ha! Even young Cody was rolling his eyes at her even way back when.

Ryan screams like her, but makes her stay at her seat - which is directly behind Cook - but she runs up on stage anyway and is chased down by stage hands. She takes the mic and sings anyway and Ryan gets all twitchy because we’re running out of time and she just won’t stop.

Mmmmm, Kris and Adam singing ‘We Are The Champions’. Kris and Adam are high fiving and kicking equal amounts of ass. Oooh, I hope the final vote is a tie!

Wait a second… why the hell didn’t Scott sing? I’ve been waiting all effin’ night. Asswads. Let’s see if I ever watch this show again!

Simon gets all Paula and is like, “Gosh, I love you both, I wish you both could win.”

The entire audience is holding hands…. and the winner is… Kris? Both Kris and my mouth’s drop open. Kris can’t believe it and Adam shakes him like a British nanny. Someone comes out and hands him a trophy. Hmmm, a trophy. Nice.

This is weird. This is so weird. I want to say I hate this show… but I like Kris. And also, I can’t wait until next season to start.

HA! Allison and Adam are rocking out while Kris sings that stupid song - which I am totally going to download later, but don’t tell anyone - and that is awesome. I love Adam. He’s a good guy. Cause you know if this had been Tatiana coming in second, it would have been a bitch fest.

blozor636: She'd explode.

blozor636: Like, literally.

blozor636: There would be guts and crazy herpes everywhere.

I’m sad now. What will I do with myself? How else will I get attention if I don’t have recaps to write.

Its been a nice season. Sort of boring. But nice anyhow. This is the future Mrs. David Cook signing out.

May 19, 2009 - Nothing’s over till it’s over

2009-05-19T18:08:00.000-07:00

It is the final showdown, as Ryan tells us. Acoustic rocker versus the glam rocker. Conway versus California. The Guy Next Door versus The Guyliner. And yes, I accidentally typed “gay liner” at first.

Randy is dressed like an idiot, Kara has the smoothly shaved armpits she always has, Paula’s hair looks like she just woke up, and Simon is fancied up.

Carly and her tattoo are in the audience. I want her tattoo and Tattoo Girl’s tattoo to battle it out. That would be awesome. Speaking of. Last week Kelly Clarkson was on Ellen and she said she likes Arm Tattoo Megan. I am disgusted. But then again, she also said she likes Allison so it sort of evens out. But then she couldn't remember Allison's name even though Allison is just a smaller, slightly less awesome version of her.

Kris won the coin toss last week and has decided to go second.

Ryan warns us - the people who are already watching - that if we aren’t going to be watching tonight or tomorow, to set our DVRs longer because they will probably, most definitely go over time. He’s finally figured it out?

Adam was insane as a baby, is what we learn from his video package tonight. He’s singing ‘Mad World’ again. It’s the same as last time, except there is lots of fog and he’s dressed like Nick Carter in the ‘Show Me The Meaning’ video. Only prettier. There is lots of clapping clapping clapping. I love how proud Adam’s dad always is. I think Adam’s dad should adopt every gay boy who’s daddy doesn’t accept him. They’d need a big house, but it’d be a happy family.

Ya know, a wise man once told me that this is the time to be more than a name or a face in the crowd and that this is the time of our lives. I'd still have babies with that man. Whoever he was.

Randy gives his performance and “A for Adam!” Kara loves him and won’t stop about how awesome he is. Paula flirts like she didn’t get the gay memo. Simon though it was too theatrical because he’s dressed all Columbine. Then Randy starts yelling about Twilight. Oh Randy, will you ever find your place in this world?

Kris didn’t like to sing in front of his family as a kid, but then they started paying him to sing, and now here we are at the American Idol finale. Which Ryan thinks is adorable. Oh Ryan. I love ye. I haven’t said it enough this season.

Kris is at the piano singing ‘Ain’t No Sunshine’. I’m so glad this isn’t Danny Gokey singing. How disgusting would that be? This is so much better than the first time he did it. Even though I don’t remember that first time. But I’m imaging this is better.

Randy shouldn’t talk sometimes. Especially when he’s wearing that ridiculous suit.

Kauly Jo: seriously. who dressed randy???

roarimaraptor: his mom

Kauly Jo: is she blind like scott??

Kara freaks out some more. What is wrong with that girl? Seriously. Simon loves Kris and Kris pretends like he might cry.

Back from commercial, Ryan harasses an Asian girl in the audience.

Creator Simon Fuller has chosen ‘A Change Is Gonna Come’ for Adam to sing. He’s wearing a shiny suit. This finale is full of pretty. Seriously, these two are prettier than any two females could have made this finale. I’ve never seen such emotion put into a song on this show.

Randy freaks out about how unbelievable he was. Then Kara freaks out. Then Paula stands up and freaks out and calls him “iconic”.

Matt Giraurd is looking hot in the audience and Scott’s all like, “I can’t even see anything!”

Adam flirts with Ryan and then somebody let Katie Holmes into the building with her clone-baby. The audience tonight is almost more entertaining than the contestants.

About 5 commercials and Paula’s hair is still a hot mess. I thought maybe they’d take a comb to it during a break, but I guess not.

Kris is singing ‘What’s Going On”. He looks and sounds good, but there’s nothing much more to say about it. I can’t even concentrate on anything with this outfit Randy. I mean, I can’t even describe it.

Kara freaks out about the song choice, even though it wasn’t his choice, but the choice of the mysterious Simon Fuller whom we never see. Simon didn’t like it and so Ryan makes a gay joke.

Ryan is in the audience surrounded by the other 11 contestants. Two somebodies we all know and have tried hard to forget makes douche faces and Scott’s all like “I still can’t see anything!”

Adam is singing the coronation song, co-penned by Kara. Why do I love everything Kara writes?

The audience messes itself over the performance. Randy calls it pitchy, which is totally isn’t. Kara is moved to pieces over Adam singing a song she co-wrote and Adam is moved to pieces over Kara writing a song for him to sing. Gag me. Paula’s a fan forever and Simon hates the stupid lyrics of the song, but loves Adam and quite possibly wants to have his babies.

Kris is singing… the same song that Adam sang. It’s not very good. I mean, it’s not bad, but it’s not better than Adam’s. Randy’s ridiculous tie and suit and jacket… and head and voice distract me from what he actually says. Kara thought the song was too high for Kris which means she totally wrote it for the key of Adam. Nice move, Kara. Nice. Paula says nothing of worth.

While Ryan is giving out his numbers, Kris stares at Ryan’s profile like he’s falling in love. Seacrest is mine, bitch! I will fight you!! I don’t care if I outweigh you! I will destroy you! I will shut it down!

Woah, I’m sorry. I haven’t drank enough water today. I always get crazy when that happens.

And woah again. Adam is wearing acid washed jeans… or are they leather? Acid washed leather?

WHOOO! Carrie!! She’s dressed like 80s week during her season!! I love it. She sings over a montage of all the contestants from this season. I wish I could remember any of their names. Omg, I forgot about Von Smith! Omg, I forgot about Bikini Girl! Omg, I forgot about Nick! Omg, I forgot about Nathaniel! Omg, I forgot about Allison!! All these people who’s names I don’t know!! And then there’s Anoop who I’ve tried to forget but can’t because just when I think he’s gone, there he is again. Did you guys hear the rumor that he’s dating Arm Tattoo?

Next up, Glee is on! Tomorrow, David Cooks sings a sad song for charity and Adam Lambert wins!

May 13, 2009 - I can see the red tail lights heading for Spain

2009-05-13T19:04:00.000-07:00

For some reason, that desk the judges sit behind during auditions is in the “Smithsonian”, so the cast of that new Night At The Museum movie are talking about. Ben Stiller and that one funny guy from SNL who’s name I can never remember lies that Paula inspires people from behind said desk.

The Ford commercial this week - or “music video”, as Seacrest calls it - starts out as a cartoon. Then they turn real. But the background is still cartoon. But then it’s real and there’s a storm. And then nothings gonna break their stride, ain’t nothing gonna hold them down, as they turn back into cartoons, then back into people again, and drive off.

Alicia Keys is wear a bath towel as a dress, on this here Idol stage, for reasons I don’t know. Something about kids with HIV in Africa. One of these kids from Africa - and he actually looks like Tracey Junior on 30 Rock - is here singing/rapping/chanting some song. I don’t know why. He’s a kid, so I won’t mock him. But I don’t know why this is going on. I mean, filler, I know, but of all the filler things that could have been? We get this? But it’s funny, cause he’s like 10 but almost as tall as Ryan. And then Ryan dances, and that is always good times.

There’s a cougar in the audience who apparently loves Danny. She loves him so much, she has a sign. Hmmm. As soon as they show the sign, a tornado watch shows up on my screen. Oh Danny. Even the weather wants you destroyed.

Blah blah, yawn yawn, Danny in his hometown signing autographs, radio interviews. A poor, misguided young sap chases his limo down the street and he cries during a parade. Then the mayor makes him like King of the city or something. I wish I cared.

Kris is like the hottest thing ever . I mean, barring David Cook, of course. It must be so weird to be from Arkansas. I wonder if Paula pronounced it “Are Kansas”. Kids in his town scream over the sounds of ‘Everybody Wants To Rule The World’. GASP! Does this mean he’ll win? Kris’s dad talks like a woman. Then Kris goes and sings at his old college. If I went on this show, I’d never go and sing at my old school. Those bastards. What did they ever do for me but make me one time spend my lunch break in a bathroom stall.

I think Kris made mayor too. I don’t know. His dad cries and talks like a woman some more. Kris is hot through-out all of this, by the way.

Jordin Sparks!! She’s come down the stairs, which are covered in smoke. What if everyone thought this was an effect but really the stage was on fire? That’d be fun. Why does Jordin look like she’s 30? I don’t know either. She’s doing some spazzy thing, but this song is awesome. I mean, I don’t know what she’s saying, but it sounds awesome.

TCreature3: this song doesn't have lyrics does it?

TCreature3: i think she is writing as it as she goes

Dude, I don’t know when I turned 12 again, but I can’t wait for ‘Glee’.

Adam is hot. I take back what I said about Kris being the hottest thing ever, besides David Cook. Ew Anoop. He ruined the hotness fantasy. Whooo Allison!! I like when old eliminated contestants come back.

Adam’s hometown of San Diego. His limo is huge, guys. You could fit all 13 Idols and the judges and Ryan in that thing. Adam plays around in front of a green scream with some weird lady who then makes him put her eyeliner on her. What a weirdo… do you guys think Adam would put eyeliner on me?

A middle-aged man asks Adam to sign his shirt. A little boy tries to high five Adam and then asks him how he got to be so awesome. All the children have a good laugh over Adam’s crazy hair. Then a girl scares him with her boobs. Man, Adam gets so many songs playing over his package. ‘Come Home’ and some bad cover of ‘Baby O’Riley’.

Heh. I said package.

Why is everybody but Scott in the audience? Because he can’t see, they don’t even give him tickets?

Katy Perry is here and the only song I care of hers is ‘Use Your Love’ and she‘s not singing that so I don‘t even care. The only person I care about waking up in Vegas is Carrie Underwood that time she shacked up with some guy without knowing his last name.

Danny wants us to skip this and announce the results, and even though I agree, shut up. Then Adam yells “I wanna see Katy Perry!” I don’t, but I love you, Adam. And on second thought, I kind of like this song. The verses are uneventful like most Katy Perry songs are, but the chorus is awesome. Her cape says “Adam Lambert” on the back, which is awesome, but I’m disconcerted by the fact that she’s not wearing pants. And the boobs that are all over the place.

DIM THE LIGHTS!!

Kris is in the finale!! KRIS IS IN THE FINALE!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

88 million votes…

… ADAM!!!!!!

Here we go again. The wife thing. Danny loves watching himself on video. Adam cries while Danny sings, marginally better than last night, I must say. The singing, not the crying. It’s actually pretty. Why hasn’t he been this good before?

Blozor636: At least Gokey had the chance to smear cake all over Allison's body before he got voted off. How many people can say that?

Simon talks about a “big ding dong” and Ryan rushes us off the air, cause that’s just weird.

May 12, 2009 - Adam rox my sox.

2009-05-12T18:12:00.000-07:00

The Brother - "What is Bones?"

Me - "Things in your body? A TV show?"

The Brother - "No, Bones. Her career. What is she?"

Me - "Forensic anthropologist."

The Brother - "Yeah. That's what I want to be. I just thought of that when I was taking a dump. Also, what if I woke up and I had a vagina."

THIS is American Idol.

Paula is sitting backwards tonight because she’s insane. Ryan and Simon both have that playful look in their eyes. Oooh, I hope some shenanigans are going down tonight. We need it. I’m bored.

I think I've figured out why this season is so boring. There is no contest and there never really has been. Adam has been the front runner from the get-go. Minus all the douchery of a few who shall remain unnamed, everybody is the same person, just with a different face. That's why its so hard to rank who will go home next since Megan left. They're practically the same. I was sad when Allison left but I would have been just as sad if Kris had left. On the same token, I wouldn't have been surprised if one of them went home the week before. Or if Matt went home this week or next. Its always been down to "Adam versus Danny" with Adam winning. And who cares about that? Last season was awesome in the same way that season 4 was awesome in that anybody could have filled those spots. Yes, David and Carrie were the right choices for winners, but if they hadn't won, who cares? I would have been disappointed if Cook didn't win, yes, but I wouldn't have been disappointed if Archie had won. I was rooting for Bo, but wasn't mad that Carrie won. That finale could have been Bo versus Constantine, it could have been Carrie versus Constantine. It was a surprise. Last season could have been Cook versus Johns, Archie versus Johns, maybe even any of them against Brooke White. Who knew what was going to happen? Nobody! The boring ass predictability of this season is boring. But maybe people like boring. CBS is the number one station on TV and what the hell is even on that channel? I couldn't tell you because I don't watch it because it's a boring ass channel.

During the week, Gokey went home to Milwaukee so that Paula could text him and tell him that she’s chosen ‘Dance Little Sister’ for him to sing tonight. It would be funny if he never got the text and just showed up tonight with nothing prepared to sing. “What do you mean the judges choose a song? What? Nobody told me that!” Oh, how happy I’d be. Anyway, I do not know this song and neither does Danny.

The Brother - “God, I hate him.”

Me - “You said you wanted to ‘get with him’”.

The Brother - “That was before Allison went home.”

Me - “No, that was 2 days ago.”

The Brother - “No!”

No - “Yes, it was Sunday night right after we bought the concert tickets.”

The Brother - “Well, that was… that was… that was… that was a figure of speech.

I’m sorry, I was too busy typing that out to pay attention. Randy loved it, and Kara talks about his “money spot” and also that he needs to stop dancing. Paula thinks his dancing was “really good” and also that he did fantastic. Simon reminds the ladies that it’s a singing show anyway and Danny makes a big bag full of douche faces.

As Ryan is giving out Danny’s numbers, somebody was yelling like an complete asshat in the audience. Or maybe it was Paula. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.

Kara and Randy chose for Kris ‘Apologize’. I wonder if they had to duke it out to decide which song to go with. I love this song so effin’ much. I wanted Matt to sing it but I will settle for Kris, who is basically just Matt without the forehead thing. And a little bit hotter. This is purty. Sights and sounds. I didn’t know Kris could play the piano. Or did I know that? I can’t remember.

Performances like this make me sad the season's almost over. Even though I’m more detached from the contestants than I've ever been, I will miss them all. Even Danny Gokey. I mean, I'll miss him like the way you'd miss a rash or that time you had Gonorrhea. But still. I'll miss him.

Randy says this song choice is good because it shows that Kris could be OneRepublic if he wanted to. What? It’s Randy, so whatever. Take what you want from what he says. Kara bitches that he didn’t take chances or whatever. Shut up Kara. Why don’t you and Randy go jump off a cliff. And take Paula with you. Simon’s like “Shut up, Paula. You don’t make any sense.” Then he yells at Kara for choosing that song for Kris and then complaining that Kris sang that song she chose for him. The judges argue some more, until Kara clamps her hands over Simon‘s mouth to stop him from making complete and total sense. I wish the stage would take this moment to collapse again.

Adam went to San Diego and then Simon texted him that he’s singing ‘One’ by U2. I have a hard time believing that Simon even knows how to text. He’s like my dad’s age and every time I text my dad, he doesn’t know how to respond, so he just calls me instead of texting back. This is a pretty song. Me likes it. Randy bitches about it and Simon boos him. Kara calls him “Un.Be.Liev.able.” Paula is miserable sitting next to Simon and Adam tells her just to punch him again, as she did earlier tonight. Simon loves Adam all over the place, which is weird considering Simon has always been the total homophobe.

If Paula and Randy and Kara had a baby and made it ten times more annoying than they could ever be combined and then bred that baby with a baby made between Gokey and that girl who had the tattoo on her arm, and then took that baby and let it judge a dancing show… you’d get the same level of annoyance that I get from that judge Mary on ‘So You Think You Can Dance’. True story.

Carrie is in Africa again, fighting the fight against Malaria. Or maybe it was just leftover footage from last year. I hope she sings ‘I’ll Stand By You’ again. That song makes me happy on the inside. Also, ‘So Small’ which plays over footage of her playing with African children.

TCreature3: i don't want to watch gokey

TCreature3: i'll brb

TCreature3: but he might crash and burn and i want to be a part of that

Gokey is singing ‘You Are So Beautiful’. I do not know this song, nor do I care. Oh God, I do know this song. This is the song Alfalfa sang in the little rascals movie. And then I think he started burping bubbles or something. I want to watch that! Can we put that on instead? I thought it was meh, but the judges love it. The beginning was total suck, but the rest was alright. But nobody mentions the suck part, they just go on about how awesome it was. Danny makes a stupid douche face and is all like “I don’t care what the judges say, I‘m just gonna sing whatever I want to sing and do whatever I want to do because I am King Douche.” I am paraphrasing, of course.

Oh man, Kris looks hot. He’s doing ‘Heartless’ by Kanye West. He is so current tonight. It’s purty and acoustic and he’s playing guitar. I didn’t recognize the song until he gets to the chorus. He’s so white and this is so purty. I hate Kanye West but I like Kris’ version of it. The audience cheers like woah and then the judges freak out about it. And Kris should always wears jeans. In case he’s reading this. S

Adam’s second song is ‘Crying’ by Aerosmith. Or is it ’Cryin’’? I don’t know. Kelly Clarkson sang this in some concert once. It was awesome. Sometimes she makes me wish I was a dude so I could do dirty things to her. Also, I want to do dirty things to Adam as a man. Especially while he sings this song. This is like a finale performance. His parents are so proud. I love his parents. I love people who love their dramatic gay children instead of turning on them because they’re too busy having their own heads up their own ass. Adam gets weepy. Randy yells out the word “rock star” 18 times. Kara’s all like “See you at the finals?” Duh, Kara. Paula loves Adam forever. Simon wants everyone to vote for Adam forever. Adam is awesome because he raves about how awesome Kris and Gokey are. He’s awesome. He’s so David Cook and I love it.

blozor636: Dude, Adam is so humble. It's David Cook all over again.

roarimaraptor: i love it

roarimaraptor: he's like the gay David Cook

blozor636: Gokey would be pushing Adam out of the way to make America suck his cock.

roarimaraptor: ha! i know

blozor636: And Kris... Would just stand there and make other men jealous of his looks.

blozor636: Because I think that's pretty much all he does.

I have no idea who goes home tomorrow. I want Gokey to but I think it’s been written in the stars that Kris will

May 6, 2009 - Come on and cry, cry baby

2009-05-06T19:18:00.000-07:00

The intro this week is less dramatic than ever. There’s lots of Slash and slow motion and odd lighting and the judges yelling about how awesome Adam is and how aweful Danny’s screaming was.

stonehousekthx: I like how Gokey tried to be like Adam and then they were like "no"

The audience screams loudly for Ryan as he comes down the steps. Probably because they saw on tmz what he didn’t tell us yesterday - that when the stage tried collapsing last night, he fell - and they‘re happy to see he is alive.

64 million votes cast last night! Jesus H. Christ!

I want to see Kara body surf the crowd. I mean, I know they’d drop her cause they’re not the brightest bunch, but it would still be fun to see them try,

The Ford video involves Adam being awesome and then the awesome Adam walking down the street as a paper cutout of himself. Wouldn’t it be awesome to have a paper Adam that you could dress at your will? I bet that’s how Adam sees himself. As his own little doll he can dress any way he wants. I like that. Adam rocks. Anyway, the rest of the Idols also become paper cutouts but I don’t want to play with them. They’re doing that ‘Move Along’ song by that group that does that ‘Dirty Little Secret Song’ that I once played on Rockband for like 4 hours.

Group Medley starts out of nowhere with Slash playing kick ass guitar, Adam singing kickass singing, Kris being hot as he always is, then Danny screaming some more about how school is out for the summer even though he was told to stop screaming not 24 hours ago. This song will always remind me of Scream and all the teens who were murdered in it… I want to watch it now. Except suddenly Allison gets carried away and pushes Gokey. Man, she should have done that last night, maybe she would have gotten enough votes to stay. Cause you know she’s the one going home.

Gokey says something that I don’t bother to listen to because his douchey-ness has stopped registering with me and I don’t even want to care anymore. Kris is so beautiful, but Simon tells him to shut up and stop being humble. Adam had a blast last night as usual. Apparently someone people, probably just some of Gokey’s friends, made ring tones out of his nasty scream last night. Allison looks at Kara and makes stabbing motions with her hand.

Paula is… performing? Okay. I guess she’s paid her dues. Ryan’s not going to perform next week is he? Even I don’t want to see that and you guys know how I feel about Ryan. I take that back. One time he sang that song that goes “Got a nice package alright, think I’m gonna have to ride it tonight.” I mean, that was wonderful. I listened to it on repeat for like week. I wouldn’t mind seeing him sing that on my TV. So Paula’s song is about dancing and how she’s just here for the music. It’s very Britney. I’m not sure how I feel about it. So let’s just move on. But wait:

roarimaraptor: I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT

roarimaraptor: opps

roarimaraptor: i didn't mean to yell that

Blozor636: I think that says exactly how you feel about it.

But really, I don’t have a whole lot of animosity towards Paula. Except Ryan then interviews her and it’s like, whatever. I’m just here for the music.

No Doubt is here singing ‘Just A Girl’. What the hell year is it? I feel old again. This song came out when I was a junior in high school. Guys, that was like… 12 years ago. OMG, I am so old. I bet half the people in the audience and two thirds of the people at home watching think this song is new. But I know the truth.

Then everything gets so weird that I have to get up and let my dog outside.

When I get back, mmmm David Cook. Also, Jordin Sparks, Bo Bice, Carrie Underwood, Blake Lewis, Archie, and every other Idol ever who ever had Idol cameras sent to their hometown. Mmmm, Cook. But dude, I forgot Syesha existed!

There are three drinking fountain stools for the top three and Ryan will announce them in no particular order. I think they should just play musical chairs. Play ‘Please Don’t Stop The Music’, but then stop the music, and whoever isn’t sitting… well, they go home.

Kris is the first one announced in the top 3.

Me - “He just shit himself!”

The Brother - “I just shit myself too!”

Remember how tiny Daughtry looked when he auditioned? Wow. Remember when he acted all Anoop/Danny levels of douche when Ryan announced he was going home? But he was awesome afterwards anyway? He released an album just a few months later like you’re SUPPOSED TO when you leave the show. Hint hint, wink wink. Anyway, he is singing a new song off of his new album, because he’s releasing a second album like you’re SUPPOSED TO. Wink wink, hink hink. There’s a hot guy in his band too. I must download this song.

The Brother - “He sounds so different!”

Me - “He went through puberty!”

The Brother - “I know! Next thing you know he’s going to start growing hair.”

Adam is in the top 3... And so is Gokey. Son of a ….

I guess I knew it though. I knew it all along. And now Allison is… going home. And she cries as she sings her song again. And Kara stand up and yell and shout. Even Danny looks sad, and not at all like a douche hole.

May 5, 2009 - Battle of the duets

2009-05-05T18:16:00.000-07:00

Pictures of Clay Aiken’s 9-month son have surfaced, revealing that he looks like a Benjiman Button/alien version of Clay. Meaning he either looks like Clay if Clay had a baby with an alien or he looks just like Clay, but not like Clay as a baby, but rather as Clay now. At 30. He’s a 30 year old baby!! That is kind of exciting. But what’s more exciting?

American Idol!

Remember when Adam was in the bottom three? And we saw Danny being undouchey for the first time? Yeah. I remember. But we see it again. Because THIS is American Idol and with only 4 people left, we have plenty of time to fill. Ryan tells us that we are “very live” tonight, as opposed to other nights when we are just sort of, kind of live.

Ryan tells us that the giant Independence Day stage almost collapsed before the show and so the Idols didn’t have a chance to run through a dress rehearsal. Also, they will be doing duets tonight. Oooh, I hope Allison sings with Adam!

So Slash from Guns ‘n Roses is the mentor this week. Awesome, is all I have to say about that. I mean, Jamie Foxx? What the hell was that? But Slash? Awesome. At least he’s relevant even if I’m not quite sure that he even has a face. Or at least a face that people want to be looking at.

Adam is first singing ‘Whole Lot Of Love‘, which causes Slash to promptly fall in love with him. God, I love Adam. Adam is like the gay David Cook. I couldn’t be happier if he won this season. Unless, him and David toured together, in which case, my head might explode from awesomeness.

So anyways, Adam is dressed like you would assume Adam as a rocker would be dressed like. His hair is super fantastic and he’s wearing jeans which always makes me happy except in extreme cases like when the jeans on certain other people who have been in this top 12/13. He’s wearing a necklace with little handcuffs on it.

Kara is wearing a ring that looks like one of those ring pops after the pop part of it is gone. She gets a case of the Paula’s and starts yelling randomness , Paula calls him “a whole lot of perfect”, and Simon says that he was great but has ruined the night for everybody else because no way anybody will ever be able to top it. We should just call this the finale. Except I don’t want this show to end. Ever. Even though I hated most everybody this season, I get sad when they leave.

Allison and Ryan are totally nervous that the stage might start falling on top of them. Allison’s hair is looking awesome tonight and its because Adam hooked her up with his long-time stylist. Allison’s songs were a toss-up between ‘Somebody To Love’ and the song I’ve been waiting forever to hear somebody sing on this show, ‘Cry Baby’. She chooses the latter. OMG, you guys, seriously. I love this song like woah. If I could sing and went on a talent show, this would be my song. This and ‘Goodbye To You’ by Scandal. It is so awesome. She’s wearing leather pants and hooker boots… but it’s still awesome.

Randy doesn’t think so, but whatever. He’s wearing some beads on a necklace, so who is he to talk? They tell her she should have sang “Piece of My Heart’ but Underwood already did that, so… no. She shouldn’t have. Paula seems neutral on the performance and Simon liked it better than the rest of the judges, but he didn’t think it was too original.

Pff, what do the judges know? Who do they think they are?

First duet: Kris and Danny doing ‘Renegade’ by Styx. I love Styx. Because I’m old. The duet starts a cappella and then the jig is up ,the news it out, and the band comes in. It’s awesome I suppose. At least one of half of it is. The judges enjoyed it.

Kris looks stunning no matter what he wears. He could wear a muumuu. Slash invites Kris to play guitar during his rehearsal and the Slash plays a long, which causes Kris to nearly wet himself. He’s singing ‘Come Together’, a song that has always thoroughly bored me. He doesn’t sound bad but it’s just kind of like… bleh. For me. Not to sound like Randy, but it wasn’t that good for me. Randy liked the guitar playing better than the singing. Kara calls him “the softer side of rock”, but she didn’t like his performance. Paula says something about artistic delivery while Simon does something goofy off camera. Simon compares the performance to eating ice for lunch. British people are weird. But it was kind of boring.

Danny is doing ‘Dream On’. Thank God, I already hate this song. Every week, I worry that Danny will sully a song I love. The way Scott Savol used to do. But we don’t see him around anymore, do we? No, we don’t. Cause I took care of that.

Half of the performance is just him repeating the phrase “dream on” over and over again and then screaming like a murder victim in a horror movie. He’s wearing a handcuff necklace like Adam’s, only his is big and

Randy calls it “alright”. He calls it a valiant effort which is the same thing I’d say to my toddler nephew when he tries to give me a high five and misses. Kara didn’t like it either, but she likes his growth. What? I don’t know. She commends him for attempting a high five and missing. Paula makes the audience scream about how awesome Danny is. Then Simon makes the horror movie reference like I did, which sort of makes us soul mates, which brings me even closer to marrying David Cook.

Duet two: Allison and Adam doing ‘Slow Ride’. They’re both dressed like trashy rock people. Awesome!! I hope the finale is between these two! Also, I think they’re almost wearing matching boots. The judges love it and Simon says that Adam probably just gave Allison a chance to stay in this competition.

Who goes home tomorrow? Based on tonight’s performances, Gokey should. But it’ll either be Allison or Kris. Just because that’s the natural order of things.

April 29, 2009 - It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that swing.

2009-04-29T18:56:00.000-07:00

Me - “We gotta watch Uncle Seacrest now.”

The Niece - “I don’t want to watch Uncle Seacrest!”

Ryan looks ghostly under the white lights as he introduces the show. Like he’s going to tell us a ghost story. “One time there was a girl and a boy necking in a car and then a hook knocked on a window. And it belonged to DannyGokey! OMG AUGH!!” Then him and Kara will play Light As A Feather, Stiff As A Ghost and forever talk about the ghost they saw while they were playing

Randy is wearing a hideous pink shirt and Paula is wearing more cleavage than I ever thought she could wear.

Ford commercial: The Idols are foot racing in black and white, which believe it or not, makes Matt’s forehead thing even more prominent than ever. Then a Ford drives up and everything is colorized.

Group sing: Allison is wearing a dress over pants and Gokey looks her up and down because she’s legal now. Ew. Matt looks delicious as usual. As does Kris, but I‘m sort of over that tonight. Then of course there’s Adam and there’s nothing that can be said about Adam except he’s awesome as usual and easily two feet taller than everybody else. This medley is kind of a hot mess. But I think they’re at least singing live this time. I wish they’d make up their minds with this lip syncing thing. Then, a butt shot of Kris and I’m over being over him.

Video footage of the Idols making cake to celebrate the birthdays of Allison and Danny. Speaking of. We’ve been doing this lottery thing at work and every week I use Kelly Clarkson’s birth date (4 and 24) and call it my lucky number even though it’s never done anything for me. Now I know why. Its also Danny’s birthday. Back in the mansion kitchen, someone starts a food fight. I’ll let you guess what kind of a douche would start a food fight in the middle of baking a birthday cake. Then Danny is given a 6,000 bill to pay for the maid services to clean it. Ha! Well played, Idol. Well played.

Matt has tears in his eyes and is sent to one end of the stage. Danny looks like he would have tears in his eyes if he was capable of producing tears. And maybe he is, but I don’t know. He talks forever and I sort of black in and out until he’s sent to the other end of the stage. Allison is sent to stand next to Danny. Kris stands next to Matt. Which leaves Adam in the position to pick a group, which is lame, because he‘ll refuse to pick a group and that was only cool the first time when Bo Bice did it. From then on it was just copycat. Adam’s all like “I love everybody!!” But he picks Allison and Danny’s group anyway… which is not the bottom three. What?!! Even Danny looks shocked, like he’s been replaced with a body double. Him and Allison stare open mouthed at each other for like 10 seconds, which is a really long time.

Natalie Cole - or as I thought for a second, “Is that Fantasia’s mom?” - is here to sing some boring Rat Pack era song. Me thinks its time for a bathroom break. Afterwards, Allison still can’t believe she’s safe and Adam isn‘t. That makes two of us… plus, everybody else in the world.

Taylor Hicks is here, looking well beyond his 30-something years. I’m sure it’s the hair, but it could have been the two bad albums he’s had under his belt. I liked Taylor when he was on this show, but I just have no time for him anymore. I don’t know why. But I do like his song ‘The Runaround’.

stonehousekthx: hear how people are politely applauding

stonehousekthx: they don't remember him, but Ryan said he was once on this stage, and they believe him

His guitar playing is awesome. Him and Ryan talk about how he’s lost weight because Ryan is obsessed with weight.

Matt, Kris, and Adam… Ryan sends Kris back to the couches… who will win if Adam goes home?

Why won’t the performances stop?!!! WHY?!!! Jamie Foxx is singing/rapping some new song of his. So he’s a singer now? I don’t know what’s going on in celebrity land anymore. There is too much going on. Lots of drums and singing and clapping and dancing judges. I might have a seizure, that’s how over stimulated my eyes are right now.

So down to Adam and Matt… I would make out with either one of them. Adam is safe and Matt says goodbye. I’m sad. Matt’s going home to the tunes of Carrie Underwood. It just occurred to me that Matt kind of looks like Stan on American Dad. I’d still make out with him. And take him home, sweet home.

April 28, 2009 - A constant evolution

2009-04-28T17:51:00.000-07:00

Assume Fox viewing positions!

“Good evening” says Ryan Seacrest. He is coming to us live from Hollywood with our top 5.

I’m glad they got rid of that whole judges walking out to their seats thing. That was annoying. Not annoying? Ricky Minor and his awesome band. Tonight’s theme is “Standards from the Rat Pack era”. This could suck. Or it could be awesome. But it could still suck. Only time will tell.

This week’s mentor is… remastered video footage of Frank Sinatra!! No, just kidding. It’s that dude from In Living Color!! I love In Living Color!! I mean, Jamie Foxx has done a lot of things since then, but who can forget In Living Color! I keep thinking of The Head Detective (the detective who was just a head with arms and feet) even though Jamie didn’t play that character. He is a good fit to mentor the Idols because he played a singer in a movie. Hmmm. Interesting. I sing David Cook songs in my shower. Can I mentor him?

Kris is singing ‘The Way You Look Tonight’ and Jamie keeps calling him a “dude”. Kris is many things, mostly awesome and pretty things, but I don’t know if he’s a dude. What is a dude, even? I don’t know, but anyway, this is very pretty. But it’s boring, like that rat pack music tends to be. Its lounge music for a reason. Cause it’s loungey. It’s for laying around and loungey. It makes me want to take a nap. But I can’t close my eyes because Kris is darling to look at. Everybody screams like they’re having seizures. Randy calls it his best performance in the history of forever, and the audience does their seizure scream again. Kara tells him how high he’s set the bar, to more screams. Paula is wearing wrapping paper as a dress and calls Kris “ever so handsome”. Simon just calls it safe.

I just noticed that Kris is smaller than Ryan. That must be miniscule. I bet Kris could fit in somebody’s pocket, that‘s how small he must be.

Allison is wearing like a cocktail dress with feathers of a swan for the skirt part. She killed a swan!! And she just turned 17 now. She’s singing ‘Someone To Watch Over Me’ which Jamie calls innocent. She’s legal now. There’s nothing innocent about that. I forgot to actually pay attention during this part because my brother and I were discussing that nasty rumor about Trenyce, Kimberly Caldwell, and Corey Clarke. You know what rumor I’m talking about. And if you don’t, so much the better for you.

Randy thinks there are 9,000 octaves in singing and that Allison has 9,000 more of them than Pink. True, I suppose. The judges praise her all over the place. Except Simon. Not that she’s bad, he just thinks she’s being overshadowed by everyone who’s better. Kara asks permission before speaking and then calls Simon crazy.

Matt is singing ‘My Funny Valentine’ which he dedicates to his forehead pimple. I mean, in my head he does this. But still. Just because I only imagined it doesn’t mean it isn’t real. Jamie insists that Matt sing the song in a certain key and to hold a certain note a certain amount of time to slay the dragon and win the game. I’ve never liked this song. Except for those two weeks that I loved Constantine before I took antibiotics to clear up that infection. Randy calls it pitchy cause it’s like the only word he knows. Although he isn’t lying. Kara appreciated the singing, but he wasn’t emotionally connected to the song. Paula loves it because she probably wasn’t even paying attention. Although I thought it was pretty. Simon agrees with Paula and thought it was great. So maybe she was paying attention.

Download songs on iTunes, yada yada yada. Danny is singing ‘Come Rain Or Come Shine’. This is the song Carla is singing in The Other Sister when her boyfriend picks a cracker off her shirt. GASP!! His name was Danny too!!! NOOO!! That’s my favorite movie! How dare you forsake my favorite movie, DannyGokey!!

There’s all kinds of trumpet and those glasses I hate. I have no opinion on the vocals cause he always sounds karaoke to me. The judges love it, blah blah blah. I wouldn’t be surprised if they extended the season just to give us more Gokey.

Dude, I so want to see Dance Flick.

Adam is singing that song about how there’s a new dawn and a new day and a new life. Blah, I hate this song. But Adam does wonderful things with it of course. He’s dressed all in all white suit and actually slinks down the stairs like he’s Jessica Rabbit. He hits a note higher and held longer than the one Jamie advised to Matt. Awesome. Let’s just name Adam the winner and let him and Allison and Kris and Matt sing every week until the finale. The audience screams FOREVER when he’s done. Like, FOREVER. Maybe it’s Adam’s fault they go over every week. The judges are practically speechless.

To my disappointment, Ryan promises not to slink down the stairs like Adam did. Damn you, Seacrest! Squash my dreams, why don’t you!

Who goes home tomorrow night? Probably Matt. Which makes me sad, but whatevs.

April 22, 2009 - You’re a train wreck, but I wouldn’t love you if you changed.

2009-04-22T19:10:00.000-07:00

April 22, 2009 - You’re a train wreck, but I wouldn’t love you if you changed.

I don’t even know how to explain the opening, but it’s that same dramatic opening as always. Except this time Danny explains extensively how seven minus two equals five.

THIS is American Idol.

Someone in the audience has a “Ryan’s biggest fan(literally)” sign. I guess I might be the un-literally biggest fan. I’m still not feeling the big boy suits though. I prefer my Seacrests in jeans and goofy t-shirts.

Earlier this week, the Idols had some dance training with Paula Abdul. Paula is many things, but a bad dancer is not one of them. So this might be good. Everybody looks sexy during dance rehearsal except the girls, Danny, and Anoop. Well, the girls might look sexy. I don’t know. I don’t typically recognize female sexiness. And then Matt downloads his own performance of ‘Let’s Get It On’ to use as a ringtone. That’s awesome. No, Matt is awesome.

Group song: Everybody but Adam is wearing sunglasses. Danny and Anoop are wearing hideous pimp suits that make me wish I didn’t have such an aversion to vomiting to that I could vomit on myself. Also, they are lip syncing again. Actually, they’re all wearing hideous pimp suits. But they’re wearing them with jeans so some of them look good. But the lip syncing ruins everything. Ashlee Simpson would vomit on herself.

Then the Idols give Paula flowers, Ryan stops her from tripping over her own heels, she cries, and I roll my eyes about how I hope they never let these people ‘sing’ and dance at the same time on my television again.

Back from the commercial, the girls are gone. Presumably changing out of the hideous disco dance outfits. The guys are sitting on the couch while Ryan introduces the commercial. It is the Idols baking cupcakes in someone’s kitchen. Then Matt grows a beard and works at a construction site. Hot. Oh, the other guys are there too. But maybe not all of them. I can’t tell. It moves too fast and I can’t type and watch at the same time.

Last night, Lil still didn’t know who she was. Ryan sends her to the far side of the stage. I IMed to someone, “What if right now Ryan was like ‘You’re going home.’” And then he totally does! She sings again but for no reason. Man, I wish I had some snacks in the kitchen so I could use this moment to go get some. The judges are all like, “You’ll go so far in your life! This is only the beginning!” Except Simon, who I guess declines to speak.

Then there is some old lady here to sing ‘Band Of Gold‘.

Kauly Jo: who is this woman?

Kauly Jo: and why is she singing K-Lo's song sucky?

roarimaraptor: ha!

roarimaraptor: i don't know

Then another old lady who walks like she’s drunker than Paula’s ever been sings a song I do not know.

OMG, and then there’s somebody else!! He’s old too!! Him I know though. Someone of the Sunshine Band, with half naked women dancing around him. That thing I said earlier about wishing I had snacks in the kitchen? Now I wish I had a sparkly beverage of some kind that I could go get during this. Or I wish I had to pee. The Idols are swaying along to the music, but I wonder if they even really care. You couldn’t pay me to care. I would just stand there and sway side to side, thinking about what I’m going to eat after the show. That’s how boring this is. It’s enough to make me wish Danny would sing again. I’d almost rather be watching Fringe, and you heard my thoughts on Fringe yesterday.

TCreature3: i wish they would keep their camera on Adam

roarimaraptor: yeah, we wouldn't miss anything happening on the stage

TCreature3: just hookers

Ryan calls this a shocking double elimination, even though it’s not shocking, since we’ve known since the season started that they would do a double elimination. Don’t make me want to slap you Seacrest.

Last night, Kris figuratively wore women’s underwear, but tonight, he is safe. Adam was awesome last night and he tries to explain why he’s awesome and Ryan interrupts and is just like, “Sit down.” Danny stands up and… this is what happened. For a second, I looked into his eyes and thought they were pretty. I feel so dirty. Like dirty in my soul. But then I realized who I was looking at and that he was making that smile I’ve named the “Summer’s Eve Fart” smile and I got over it. Kris is safe and Anoop is in the bottom 3.

Allison and Matt, arms around each other…. Matt is safe and totally shocked that he is safe. Which puts Allison in the bottom 3. I am happy and sad about this at the same time. I love Allison, don’t love Anoop.

Archie!! I forgot how much I loved him. He’s doing ‘Touch My Hand’ but I was hoping for ‘A Little Too Not Over You’. I still want to cuddle him, stick him a car seat, and take him out for ice cream. Maybe push him on the swings on the park. Then he can introduce me to Cook, and I’ll drop him off at a babysitters so Cook and I can get busy.

True story: One time, my friend and I drew this cartoon about our future. I would marry Joey from NKOTB and her Jordan or Jon.. Or Donny. I don’t know, one of them. But anyway, in the cartoon we’d “Get married, have kids, leave the kids with the babysitter, and then get busy”. I guess we didn’t realize getting busy came before the kids did. But I digress.

This season has started to grow on me, but man, I still miss The Davids. I miss last season. I miss last season so much. It hurts my heart. I don’t even know why.

Archie is touring with Mcfly in Europe! Oh, how I wish I lived in Europe! Or did they say England… are England and Europe the same thing? I should brush up my geography. He’s adorable… but anyway, back to Anoop and Allison… Anoop is gone. WHOOOO!!

His stubble actually looks kind of good… why did the guys all decide to grow stubble this week?

Goodbye packages. Plenty of tears, but none from me.

I’m not a complete narcissist… or maybe I am. I don’t know, but I’m curious how many people are reading this season. With everyone moving from myspace to face book, my comments have dropped considerably and I can’t get a blog read count anymore. So now I’m curious. Just take this poll.

http://www.createfreepolls.com/vote/Are_you_reading_these_super_delicious_recaps%3F

April 21, 2009 - I’m bringing disco back

2009-04-21T18:01:00.000-07:00

You guys should know that I've had so many arguments this past week over whether or not Miley Cyrus can sing live. The consensus is that she totally and awesomely can even though I still think she can't. And by the way, if your only defense against why somebody isn't doing what they're getting paid to do is "I don't see you up here doing it." then you're an idiot and so is your momma. That goes double for contestants on this show who tell Simon the same thing. Simon’s critiques and you sing, that‘s how it is. This is my favoritest stage in the world. Don’t bring your douchbaggery onto it.

Also, I thought of something. If Quentin Tarantino had written and directed Single White Female, you'd get that story of how my brother talked me into getting a haircut that, unbeknownst to, was the same haircut Adam Lambert has. Then in the movie, somehow Adam and I would end up married and then my brother would kill me by stabbing me in the eye with one of Adam's heels and then he'd tie up Adam in the basement like in Misery, only he wouldn't chop his feet off cause Adam is a dancing machine and he would totally like being tied up and just before things could turn into weird, gay porn, I'd come back to life (cause I was never dead in the first place cause he stabbed me in my fake glass eye that I got during some childhood accident which they'll have to flashback to in the movie, but it would probably involve a sandbox, a cup of kool-aid, and maybe a fish hook.) and destroy my brother. And Adam hooks me up with Seacrest and/or Cook and alls well that ends well. Also, the soundtrack would be awesome.

But enough about me. THIS is American Idol. Remember how Matt was saved and everybody was happy last week? Yeah. I do too. Cause they just reminded us with video package. Ryan is super excited, but I don’t know why. He just says its going to be an exciting week. Maybe he loves Matt. Maybe he loves disco, which is our theme. Our maybe he loves the judges. Oh. Simon’s wearing a white shirt that’s almost see thru. Now I see why Ryan’s so happy. I suppose I’d be happy too.

I know a lot of disco songs, but none that I can name as actually being disco songs off the top of my head, so I’d sing that song about how heaven must be missing an angel. Or that song about loving the night life, and boogieing, and the disco round.

We jump right into things, so we don’t run over I guess. Fringe must have finally put it’s foot down, even though you’re not really missing if you miss Fringe because it’s a stupid show anyway. I gave it a chance. The previews are good, but the show itself? Not so much. Lil is singing ‘I’m Every Woman’. Can’t we be original? Can we sing songs that aren’t on the list of the first few songs that op into your head when you think disco? And wait, is this even disco? This is Whitney! This isn’t disco! Randy calls to “wild” but not in a good way. He says, truthfully, that it didn’t really show us what kind of an artist she is and that she should probably just go home. The last part I’m paraphrasing, but that’s basically what Kara says too. Oh, and according to Paula, this was done by Chaka Khan first. So I guess it is disco. My bad. Lil gets teary and Simon’s all like, “Lil, don’t look sad. Just because you have no originality.” Then Lil won’t shut up like she does every week.

Kris Allen is also looking splendidly delicious in a white t-shirt. He is singing ‘She Works Hard For The Money’ because it tells the story of a“….. woman.” He’s playing it acoustic on guitar. It’s awesome like it was awesome when Nathaniel did ‘Disturbia’ that one time before he cried and then cried again and then went away. Kara thought Kris was awesome. She gives him “props”. Paula loved it. She says that Kris shops in the women’s section which means he chose a song sung by a woman but which Simon takes to mean that Kris wears women’s underwear. But he doesn’t care if Kris wears women’s underwear because his performance was fantastic anyway. And Randy repeats it with slightly different words.

Danny is singing ‘Dancing In September’. I have nothing to say about it except that I got ticked off at him because I couldn’t remember the name of the song and I tried googling it but couldn’t understand a word he was singing. The judges thought it was solid, except Simon who thought it was awkward and clumsy.

God, I hate that face he makes. You know the face I’m talking about. Either you love it or you hate it. I’m gonna name it “Summer’s Eve”.

Allison is sitting on the stairs, dressed like Nikki McKibbon. I hope she’s not mentoring innocent young girls like Allison. She’s singing ‘Hot Stuff’. She’s singing it so differently that I didn’t even recognize it until the end. I liked the arrangement, but Randy didn’t. He calls her one of the best singers in the competition though. Kara agrees. Paula says something about compromise and edginess and how arrangements don’t effect her authenticity and how it was off the charts. Simon loved it.

The crowd can’t stop screaming for Adam, who is wearing the exact same suit as Ryan, only black. And his hair is weird, but still sexy. He’s singing ‘If I Can’t Have You’. Ooooh. It’s so pretty. It’s so slow and pretty. It makes Paula cry. I cry on the inside. The good kind of tears. Randy praises him, Kara can’t find words beside “brilliant”, Paula cries about it while Simon snickers at her, and I guess Simon liked it. I don’t know. Also, Adam still has a hot brother.

GASP! I forgot about Matt! He’s singing ‘Stayin’ Alive’. I like when Matt wears hats because you can’t see that thing on his forehead. Also, he looks damn good and I want to make out with him. Randy didn’t love the song, but thinks Matt can really sing. Paula calls it solid. Paula talks about his balls or her balls or somebody’s balls. And then something else weird. Sometimes Paula talks like a cave man... I hope those cavemen from those commercials don't show up in my living room now all offended. Speaking of them, can you believe somebody actually gave them a TV show? That's like giving Paula a TV sho-... Oh, wait. If you count this one, they've given her two. Who are these people who are just walking around handing out TV shows? Can I have one? They’re giving Fantasia a reality show! I didn’t even care about her life when it was a Lifetime movie and I love Lifetime movies!

Anyway. Simon didn’t like the performance. He calls it desperate and unoriginal.

Oh man, I forgot about Anoop too. I’m not doing good this week. On Saturday I accidentally showed up for school an hour early. Anyway, he’s singing ‘Dim The Lights’. He’s got some dirt on his upper lip, but otherwise, he doesn’t look half bad tonight. I’m into white boys myself, but he’s cute. It’s a pretty good performance. The judges like it, except Simon. He calls it his worst performance for awhile. I disagree, but it‘s not like I’ll download the performance either.

blozor636: It's good thing Anoop is dressed like a girl because he's singing like a girl, and we'd hate to get confused.

Going home tomorrow. As much as it pains me… Matt. And possibly Anoop. Maybe Kris or Allison, but only because nobody appreciates them.

JuleahFaye: i like kris more than anoop

JuleahFaye: but i like being right more than either of them.

April 15, 2009 - Anoop almost falls off the stage

2009-04-15T18:54:00.000-07:00

Dramatic intro, flames on the screen, dramatic music, Quentin Tarantino, THIS is American Idol.

Miley Cyrus is here tonight, Jennifer Hudson is here tonight, and Ryan Seacrest is here tonight.

The Ford commercial tonight is finally a song I like, ‘Freeze Frame’. God, I’m old. Everybody is photoshopped onto the cover of magazines and all the guys look amazingly hot. Except that one guy. You know which one.

The group song tonight is ‘Maniac’. They’re not lip synching anymore, thank God. I want to kiss whoever put a stop to this. They sound great.

Okay, I’ve got a true story about this song. One time I made this cartoon starring Clay Aiken, Ryan Seacrest, and some others. At the beginning Clay has pink legwarmers on and he’s dancing to this song. The same dance as that scene from Flash Dance. It took me weeks and weeks to animate and I never wanted to hear that song again and I’ve gone great lengths to avoid it. But tonight, I have no where to run. But the cartoon is awesome. I won’t deny anybody who requests to see it.

Danny Gokey’s voice sounds like Kim Caldwell if Kim Caldwell was a dude. Which, she might already be. But let’s just say she’s not. Actually, she’s like a chick who’s really a dude who’s really a chick, but is sometimes still a dude. Dip that in some batter, wrap it up in a bow, and you get DannyGokey.

Me - “OMG! I have the same haircut as Adam! That’s why you made me get this haircut!

The Brother - “No… you should die your hair black.”

Those Idol bastards got to go to the premiere of 17 Again, a movie I can’t wait to see. And I’m not even ashamed to admit that. The Idols are wetting themselves over meeting the cast and the cast is wetting themselves over meeting the Idols, except Zac Efron who’s like, “Who are these people?”, and who is also in the audience tonight wearing a stupid hat.

By the way, I don’t approve of someone being named Sterling Knight. I mean, I’m just saying.

Lil calls Danny old. Points to Lil.

Allison had special sauce last night, was the only hope for the girls, and is safe. Girls scream maniacally for Adam, who was brave and Rocky Horrorish last night, and is safe.

Anoop stands up and Randy yawns. Ha! Oh Randy. Sometimes you are fun.

“International recording artist” Jennifer Hudson is here tonight. I was bored then and I’m bored now. The song is more entertaining than the video package though. I like it. I want to download it.

Anoop’s all like, “I thought I was good, I don’t understand being in the bottom 3, but whatevs.” Simon approves of him being in the bottom 3.

In case you were wondering, Kara and Paula are separated by like 5 feet, so they can’t talk to each other and run us over into the next show again.

Kris is still hot, in case you were wondering that also. Simon says he was brilliant last night, since he wasn’t actually allowed to speak last night when it happened. Lil was here last night and sang a song and now she’s back and she’s in the bottom 3.

Last night Matt wondered if we had ever really, really loved a woman. I can’t speak for everyone, but no Matt, I have not. Unless that woman is Kelly Clarkson. In which case, then no I still have not. But I would.

DannyGokey has some dirt on his face of which we will never speak again. I think he wants us to call it a “beard”. He’s safe and Matt is in the bottom 3.

So it’s Lil, Anoop, and Matt. One of them is safe… um… it’s Anoop. Hmmm. Wasn’t expecting that, but okay.

Miley Cryus.

The Brother - “What if it wasn’t even her?”

Me - “What if it was Chris Kattan as her like that time he was dressed as Britney? That was awesome.”

Oh God, I love this song. I’ve lost all shame, you guys. I downloaded the soundtrack to her new movie and I cannot stop listening to ‘The Climb’. I burned it to a CD and I sing along LOUDLY in the car. I don’t care if I’m even in a drive thru with the windows open. It’s a good track, but vocally, live, she wouldn’t even have made it into the top 12. Or 13, as this year would have it.

Back at the stools, Simon says one of the two he’d consider saving and Ryan wonders aloud would it be Lil, but Simon won’t say. Ryan’s says “We’ll be right back.” and they forget to go to commercial break and instead the camera pans over to Simon making funny faces because we haven’t cut to commercial yet. HA! I love this show sometimes.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! I hate this show sometimes!!! Lil is safe and Matt is OUT!! NOOOO!!

So he sings again. I’ve always hated this song, like hated-hated cause it’s totally stupid, but Matt makes it sound so beautiful. The judges climb all up on each other and hold hands and make out before Simon tells Matt he has no chance of winning. But then they save him. WHOOOO! I always thought this save was stupid, but now I love it. Everybody is so happy that Matt is safe.

April 14, 2009 - And the road has been too long

2009-04-14T18:07:00.000-07:00

Tonight’s theme, music from the movies. So I guess music that has ever played in any soundtrack of any movie. And according to Quentin Tarentino, THIS is American Idol.

Ryan accuses Ricky Minor of having stole his suit, and he wants it pressed before it’s given back to him. Ryan is wearing a dotted tie, Randy is wearing a sweater I think I saw once in that Fat Albert cartoon from back in the day, Kara is wearing one of Paula’s dresses with nothing on the shoulders, Paula is wearing a necklace made up of a big chunk that fell off of a spaceship, and Simon is Simon. He explains that only two judges will be critiquing each contestants because of the girls tomfoolery last week that ran us 5 minutes over into Fringe.

I feel sad as the contestants come out because someone is missing. And it reminds me of a story I must tell. One time, there was a guy on this show who was blind, and I loved him so because my love is also blind. Then he left and I was sad. True story. But the good news is that now my mom can stop asking me every week if blind people have tear ducts. And Ryan and Jillian Reynolds can stop trying to high five him and give him fist bumps. Also, she suggested that he played video games.

We get a nice long montage of somebody who has absolutely nothing to do with music or Idol at all, but whatever. I suppose Quentin Tarantino is awesome. What’s not awesome? John Travolta’s hair in Pulp Fiction.

Allison is singing ‘I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing’. Oh no. I love her so much, but David Cook knocked this shit out of the park. Nay. Out of the planet. It’s like the exact same arrangement as David’s was too. Simon and Paula loved it, and we don’t get to know what Kara and Randy think.

Anoop is singing ‘Everything I Do’ from Robin Hood. I wish he would sing ‘Men In Tights’ from the movie of the same name. Not bad. I’m bored. But not bad vocals. I’m not sure what Randy’s opinion on it is. He talks about this week and last week mixed together. Also, I got lost trying to figure out if Anoop’s shirt is Burberry or not. Kara thought it was his best performance ever.

Also, Anoop is single.

Adam is singing ‘Born To Be Wild’. I hate this song, but damn, Adam is hot. It’s very rock, lots of lights and screaming and Adam’s hotness. I’m glad Simon’s get to critique this. Paula stands up and screams like a maniac. Then the same thing happens with the audience for like 18 minutes. Simon liked it, but doesn’t think the performance was as good as it was last week. Ryan flirts with Adam.

Oooh Matt G. He’s all kinds of hotness. Except the forehead pimple thing that nobody ever talks about. He’s singing ‘Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman’. It’s quite pretty. I think Matt is my new favorite. Or maybe Adam. I don’t know. I don’t think I care enough to choose between the two. Or not choose. Randy calls it “interesting”. Kara didn’t like it but appreciates that he sang it anyway.

Gokey is sans glasses tonight. He tells Ryan, and the rest of us by extension, that he “got bored” this week and bought a guitar. No, he does not know how to play it. Quentin tells him to put his stupid hands in his stupid pockets when he’s singing. And tonight he is singing ‘Endless Love’. There’s a stupid harp and this is a stupid song. Endless love? Whatever. Danny of all people should know there’s no such thing. Simon didn’t like the song.

roarimaraptor: i don't even have good reasons for hating him

SweetyPi9897: i don't either

SweetyPi9897: sometimes i forget why i hate him

SweetyPi9897: but then i remember that he's just a huge douche bag and that's reason enough

Back from commercial, Ryan is sitting in in Randy’s seat going “Dawg! Dawg. We got a hot one tonight!“ He is so magical. Simon and Randy are in the background wrestling. Maybe over a chocolate bar.

Kris is singing ‘Falling Slowly’, a song I do not know from a movie I do not know. Wait… I think I’ve heard this song. It sounds sad and pretty, but I am so bored. This show is so boring this season!! Randy calls it pitchy. Gasp!! Kara calls it one of his best moments. Ryan rushes us to commercial, so we don’t miss Lil, but ya know what? This is the third time tonight I’ve gone, “Oh yeah! I forgot about Lil!”

This is a boring, suckass episode. Which leads to boring suckass recaps. I apologize, but if they give me nothing to work with, what can I do? I can only call DannyGokey a douche bag so often before it loses it’s flavor.

Douche bag.

HA! No, it’s still funny.

Ryan is out in the audience surrounded by screaming, annoying girls. Girls are stupid. If Ryan was in front of me, I’d be working his pants off, not screaming about Lil Rounds.

She’s singing ‘The Rose’. I’ve been hoping for someone to sing this song for years. So I hope Lil doesn’t screw it up. I have nothing against Lil, and she’s always good, albeit predictable, but if she didn’t show up tonight and nobody mentioned it, I wouldn’t even notice. True story.

Simon didn’t like it and he’s frustrated with her because she’s been the same exact thing every single week since she got here. And she goes on and on, to the encouragement of the sheep in the audience (and that damn Paula), arguing. Ryan gets that nervous twitch he sometimes gets, like, “Guys, it’s 8. Shut up, we gotta go.”

On watching Allison’s performance again, it was better than I originally thought.

Going home tomorrow? Either Lil or… Lil. God, I hope it isn’t Matt. I love Matt. But I forgot about him again, until they got to his numbers again.

April 8, 2009 - But my silent fears have gripped me long before I reach the phone

2009-04-08T19:05:00.000-07:00

“Idol: This once only msg confirms your vote for Scott was received. Vote as many times as U like B4 voting closes. See the results tomorrow only on FOX!”

Yeah, I broke my no voting rule and text-voted last night for two hours in-between getting repeatedly killed in Shellshock 2. I came into the living room and someone, someone whom I thought I knew, was text-voting for DannyGokey. And that shit’s not going down in my house without me counteracting the evil with some votes of my own.

Ultra-dramatic opening. You know the drill. Scary close up, dramatic music, and well chosen sound clips. And of course, THIS is American Idol.

Mario Lopez in the audience. Paula is wearing white glove, Ryan calls Simon “Darth Vadar”, and Randy has a snake on his sleeve. Kara and Ryan talk about the non-evolution of the evolving of the contestants. Or something.

Some guy who’s name I don’t know is here singing some song that came out the year Simon was born. This show was starting to make me feel old because last December I officially turned the age that makes me too old to audition which means that from now on everybody on this show will be younger than me. But now I feel young again. I wish I knew this guy’s name. Whoever he is, he reveals that Simon was born in ‘59 and now we finally know his age.

Oooh, it’s Frankie Avalon!! I know that name!!

Group sing: The boys walk out singing “La la la la la la”, and then Allison is singing awesomely on the couches. Lil is somewhere doing something. Then Matt sings and sounds just like Allison. Anoop reaches out to touch Scott, perhaps to tell him he’s there, and then Scott reaches for Kris, perhaps to find out if he’s still there. Then Matt leads Scott down the stairs. I like the group effort they make to make sure he doesn’t get lost or fall of the stage. OMG, what if someone forgets one time and he falls? Can I just stand around the edge of the stage during the tour every night to catch him should he fall? But you know that the one moment he falls will be the one moment I’m not paying attention because I’ll be watching Gokey do something stupid. You know this will happen!! The lip syncing is much better than before. What is not better? Matt’s dancing. What is also not better? Adam’s voice. Because that is not possible.

Beind the scenes of a music video. Matt is talking in a creepy voice, but then cracks up. Adam has a green eye. The concept is a vaudeville magic show. This could actually be awesome. Allison has crazy make-up and hair, so basically it’s just another day for her. Anoop plays a valet and Scott worries aloud that they’re putting him in pink. Danny looks like the cat in the hat, if the cat in the hat was a douche bag. Scott and Adam do wonderful impressions of Simon. The real commercial is awesome. The song is “Circus” and Kris is hot. I don't what Idol is playing at, but every time I see these commercials I get the urge to buy a Ford Fusion. But I can't afford one, so I just buy a V8 V-Fusion instead. True story.

Adam lies that he’s been watching this show for 8 years. Then everybody claps for the mayor of Matt’s hometown.

Adam and Kris stand up and the girls go crazy from all the hotness standing up. Anoop stands up too. Kris is so tiny standing between the two of them. It’s like when Ryan used to stand between Constantine and Bo Bice and someone made an icon of it and wrote “Barbie and The Rockers” on it. Good times. Adam is safe and also has hot friends in the audience. Kris is safe, and Anoop is in the bottom 3.

The first musical guest tonight is Flow Rider… or Flo Rider… or Flo Rida? Like Florida? Is he from Florida? Is he bringing oranges for the contestants tonight?

And so I feel old again.

Both IMs received at the same time:

stonehousekthx: what's a flo ryda?

blozor636: Float Rider?

I wish these rappers would write their own songs instead of stealing 80s songs and changing the lyrics. Except for the Katy Perry version of ‘Use Your Love’. That was awesome. Covers are one thing, but sampling is just lame. Write your own music or go home and get a job. Then there’s a girl who tries to undress him, but she sings better than Lil Rounds. There’s so many people on the stage with him. They’re not wearing a lot of clothing either. If I could reach the remote, I’d change the channel. But it’s at least 3 feet away.

Ryan takes one look at this Flo fella and says “I need to go to gym.”

I want to date Seth McFarland so he can talk to me in funny voices and make me laugh.

I don’t even want to deal with the next contestant. But he’s safe anyone, so who cares.

I’m starting to like everybody, with the exception of the contestant I refuse to name in the sentence before this, so I kind of like this judges save now.

Matt’s forehead pimple just winked at me!! I don’t think it’s a pimple though, but whatever it is, get rid of it! It’s mocking me!! Matt and The Thing are safe.

Once Scott gets beyond the creepy blind guy look, he really does have nice, sensitive eyes. I want to stare into them even if he won’t notice. He’s in the bottom 3. Ryan leads Scott to Anoop, who leads him to his seat. I love this. But I am sad that he is in the bottom 3.

Allison is safe and Lil is not.

I saw Kellie Pickler on the back of a milk carton, no lie. I really like this song she’s singing, whatever it’s called. I’ll find out later and download it.

Kauly Jo: i hate that i like kellie

Roarimaraptor:: me too!

Anoop, Lil, and Scott. I’m on the fence about Anoop, couldn’t care less about Lil, and am tore up about Scott. Lil is safe. Grrr.

Anoop versus Scott. Anoop looks mad and Scott looks nervous…. And my heart drops in time with that music that announces someone has been cut.

Scott sings his song again… and then Simon says 2 judges want to save him and 2 do not. I love how Scott gets nervous in the middle of his laughs. This is like an emotional, lengthy decision for the judges. But finally, Simon announces him done. He hugs Ryan so hard, you can hear it muffle his microphone.

My heart hurts, guys.

For the theme next week, I suggest they do songs that have people’s names as titles. Only, they change the names to Seacrest. I mean, they don’t have to. But automatic extra votes to everybody who does.

“Seacrest, with your aim. Seacrest, for my heart. It’s only pain. What does it prove.”

“And Betty when you call me, you can call me Ry.”

“Seacrest. Seacrest. Can’t you see it in my eyes. This could be our last goodbye.”

“Seeee-e-crest, I know this world is killing you.”

“God it looks like Seacrest. Must be the clouds in my eyes.”

“Who’s Seacrest, she said. And smiled in her special way.”

“Take me by surprise and make me realize, oh Seacrest.”

“Seacrest, don’t you lose my number.”

And so on and so on.

Or they could sing songs about each other. There’s a song called ‘Allison‘, and a song called ‘Danny‘. And another song called ‘Allison‘. And another song called ‘Daniel’. Then there’s ‘Adam’s Song’. And ‘Danny’s Song’. I’m pretty sure there’s no song called “Anoop”, but between now and then I’m sure we could come up with something.

April 7, 2009 - But I make more sense, Paula

2009-04-07T18:12:00.000-07:00

The contestants are lined up down the stairs again and you’ll be glad to know that none of them have crazy hair tonight.

Ryan walks down the stairs first which completely throws me off. Also thrown off? A weird, bald guy in the audience who may or may not have been a mannequin.

The theme tonight is "Songs From The Year You Were Born", or in the case of Allison, who is practically still an ultrasound, "Songs From Last Week".

The judges are already seated somehow and then Ryan shows a baby picture of Randy in which he kind of looks like Michael Jackson. Then baby Kara, who Ryan says looks like she “just made a poopy“. Ya know, I did some googling yesterday and it turns out Kara has written like every song i've ever loved. Also, I'm surprised by how well she's fallen into place on this show. I thought I'd spend the entire season complaining about how her presence is like a rash that won't go away.

Paula’s picture is Paula. And Simon’s picture is him at about 10 dressed in a British armed forces uniform holding a gun. And awww, baby Seacrest.

Sometimes I feel like this show is an April Fool's joke that won't ever end and sometimes I feel sad that it could, at any time, approach it's death and we won't even have seen it coming. Or maybe we would have. But either way, it could die and then where will we be?

roarimaraptor: what are we gonna do when idol is cancelled?

roarimaraptor: ya know, after next season

Kauly Jo: let's not think about that dark time now

Kauly Jo: the world may end in the meantime and spare us such a fate

I never wondered how Scott walked out on stage with everyone without falling off or bumping into someone, which I should have considered. The answer is, Lil is holding his hand. That’s sweet.

I kind of miss Megan. I mean, I'd be horrified to find out that she moved into the house next door and I'd move my seat if she sat behind me in math class, but I kind of miss her misguidedness. Not the tattoo though. Thank God, the nightmares can finally stop!!

Oh nevermind. Gokay is still here. If I meet him over the summer, I want him to sign my program, "To my biggest un-fan. Love, D.G' okay."

I don’t even want to deal with him tonight. He’s first because he’s the oldest. I blame his dad for all of this, because he informed him that he could sing way back when, before he even realized he could sing. He’s singing some different version of ‘Stand By Me’. It’s too slow. I fell asleep before he even got to the part about the moon. All the girls scream. Then he speeds it up and it’s not any more entertaining. I remember back when I liked his voice, but tonight I find it annoying.

roarimaraptor: zzzzzzzzz

blozor636: I was thinking the exact same thing.

blozor636: This is boring and he looks like a tard.

I want less of this and more Scott. Or more baby pictures of Seacrest so I can get an idea of what our children will look like.

Randy didn’t like the arrangement, but liked the vocals. Kara didn’t like the arrangement either, but thought he killed it at the end. Paula uses some big words that add up to nothing at all. And Simon’s like, “What the hell are you talking about?!” Then he calls Gokey great. I have nothing to say to that. Except:

Patti: i'm gonna just start knocking off his fans

Patti: what if i accidentally typed "knocking up"?

Shrewlaura: Haha, unwed mothers, the lot of them! That'll teach them.

Kris Allen next. He never stops being hot. Kris tells us all how he went to a carnival on his day off and people were like, “Are you from American Idol? Can you tell Adam I said hi?” Ha! One time, when David Cook was meeting fans during the Idol tour, everybody kept asking him to go get Jason, so he went to get him and didn’t come back out cause he was miffed. I would have been too. Those ungrateful bitches. Castro was like 5 feet away from me in person and he is a beautiful specimen, but… he’s no David Cook. What kind of monsters trade in David Cook for Jason Castro? I don’t even want to know those kinds of people.

Kris is doing ‘All She Wants To Do Is Dance’ out in the mosh pit surrounded by fans, which wasn‘t even cool when Matt did it. Otherwise, not bad. Kara didn’t like it. Paula calls him one of the most likable contestants in the history of ever. Simon calls it indulgent, boring, and forgettable. I agree on the last two I suppose. I’d rather see him than that guy before him anyway. I think what Randy tries to say is that Kris got lost in the song. Ryan calls Simon’s critque indulgent and predictable, someone calls him baby, he calls someone hotty, and he gives Simon the “we‘ll discuss this further in bed later” eyes.

Lil was born on a day once, some years ago. Lil was the name her parents gave her, not a nickname as everyone on earth and in Lil’s life ever, had assumed. She’s singing ’What’s Love Got To Do With It’. Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken, indeed. This isn’t anywhere near the original. Paula starts off by telling her how hot she looks, which means that was all she had going for her tonight. Paula didn’t think she made it her own “niche”. Simon calls it a “second or third rate Tina”. BURN!!! But true. Basically, he says she needs to start being original.

Paula - “That’s what I said.”

Simon - “But I make more sense, Paula.”

The other two judges concur. Lil looks like she might cry.

I heard rumors that Anoop might sing ‘Who’s Johnny’. I’m assuming the El Debarge song, which would have been awesome. Unless he screwed it up, in which case I would have had to punch him in the face. But instead he’s doing ‘True Colors’. Also, he’s wearing an ugly sweater. Something that Bert and/or Ernie would wear if they were frat boys. But before he sings, him and Ryan talk about how he was assy last week and he claims basically that he was replaced by a body double. This is sort of pretty. I have nothing bad to say about the performance. Except for the sweater. Jesus H. Christ! It’s hurting my eyes! People get beaten up for wearing stuff like that.

roarimaraptor: for real, it's blinding me

roarimaraptor: it would blind scott

Kauly Jo: it'd be a pity if he caught anoop's sweater out of the corner of his eye and went even more blind

The judges loved it. Agreed. Except Paula calls him a “rainbow”.

The Brother - “I think he’s gay. Talking about rainbows up in this piece. And singing Cindy Lauper.”

Scott was an adorable baby. As a kid he wanted to be a train engineer. That’s sad. Cause I’m pretty sure you have to be able to see to drive a train. GASP! He loves Halloween and creepy Halloween things!! So do I! It’s a sign!! He’s playing guitar!! And singing ‘The Search Is Over’ I’m in love, guys. For real. Seacrest who? He hit’s a bad note, but whatever. It was awesome. I don’t care what anybody says about him, I want to marry him.

By the way, it was brought to my attention last week that Hot Seeing Eye Guy has an actual, for real name. Don't ask me what it is though, I can't remember.

The judges are all, “Who knew blind people could play guitar?” Kara liked it and didn’t like it. Paula thought acoustic guitar would have been better, but Scott claims it was his “punk side coming out”. I want to marry him. I’d say on a mountain top, but I’m afraid he’d fall off not being able to see the edge and all. Simon calls the performance and the guitar playing “atrocious”. You’re on my list, Cowell.

Some girls yell that they love him and Scott’s all like, “I love you too… wherever you are..?” And then he looks around.

We see pictures of Allison from last Saturday in which she was a baby and looked exactly like she does today. As a kid, her doctor diagnosed her with, “She will be a singer someday.” She’s doing, ‘I Can’t Make You Love Me’. I love this song. I was IMed by two different people at the same time asking me how dare she sing a Clay song. I don’t remember Clay singing this. Apparently, he sang it on tour. I thought I knew everything he ever sang on tour. But oh how wrong I was.

Anyway, she was great and everybody loved her. Except Simon says that nobody likes her because she has no personality. Or something. He says she needs to open up more and be more talkative so we can get to know her. Agreed. Randy makes the Kelly Clarkson comparison and for the first time in my life, I don’t get angry. But I’ve been saying it for months now anyway.

In 1985, Matt Giraud was born. His forehead pimple is bigger than ever! What is that thing? But from behind, he’s hot like David Cook. He’s singing, ‘Part Time Lovers’. It’s awesome and so the judges freak out.

Patti says: didn't sanjaya sing this? or was it a-fed?

Shrewlaura: It was Chicken Little, Kevin Covais.

Patti says: Ew, that just sounds gross

Patti says: that's probably why i don't remember

Speaking of gross, Ryan calls Matt “brotha” no once, but twice. Stop it, Ryan. I don’t slave over a fansite for you so that you can say silly things on TV.

Randy stands up and makes peace signs with his fingers and Ryan makes him sit down. But he doesn’t listen.

Adam was an adorable child. And nothing has changed. He’s singing ‘Mad World’. He’s sitting and there are no lights on him. This is awesome! Adam is awesome! Is this the finale? Did he win? Are there other people on this show? Simon gives him a standing O, which knocks the entire planet of its axis. WHOO!

Kellie Pickler and Flo Rider tomorrow.

April 1, 2009 - She thinks you’re super delicious.

2009-04-01T19:02:00.000-07:00

Some of you might know what Dial Idol is, some of you might not. It's software you download and then your computer will automatically keep redialing your vote. It keeps a tab of busy signals to predict the Idols placement. It's not always right, but it's pretty accurate most of the time. Anyway, apparently Megan's percentage of votes was so small it was incalculable. It's a computer! They can do anything! They assist in surgery now but they can't even calculate Megan's votes? Poor Megan. I wonder what it's like to suck at life and everything else.

This new opening disturbs me. It’s this dramatic music and they zoom quickly on the contestants giant faces, like this is a wrestling introduction or something. It’s weird. I bet Kara would call it “artistry”. The dramatic music does make excitement rise in my chest though.

Alexis and Jason Castro are sitting in the audience together. Are they dating? Does her military school baby daddy boyfriend know about this? She should date Castro junior instead. They have more similar hair.

Randy thinks it’s funny that people keep choosing the wrong songs. Kara appreciates that the audience boos her for stupid reasons. Paula says something wise, which is that the Idols need to already know who they are and they need to prove it every night. And Adam’s the only one who does. Though she gives them that they have the potential, which is a lie, but nice of her to give them hope. I think it’s an April Fool’s Day joke though. Simon thinks Anoop, Matt, and Megan go home, one of which is going to come true.

In the Ford commercial, their faces are mixed up and they’re singing/rapping about how they’re “all mixed up” and they “like it“. It’s better than the other commercials they’ve done so far this season, but it’s creepy in the same way that it’s creepy when Roseanne had that theme song where everybody’s faces changed.

Group Song: Scott is ‘playing’ the piano and they are ‘singing’ “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey. God. This lip syncing would turn Ashlee Simpson over in her grave. It’s almost as bad as those kids on Barney. But one good thing? They sound awesome when people can tamper with their voices. Adam’s the best though. Why? Because he’s Adam.

Next, a video montage of how busy the Idols lives are. Matt doesn’t know what day it is, he’s so busy. Kris is hot in front of a green screen and even the camera guys tell him to make a “sexy face”. Anoop thinks he’s a rockstar . Scott likes chocolate cake and I’m going to learn how to bake right now so that when we get married, I will make him a very happy husband.

In the video package, Matt does a Gokey impresison which makes everybody laugh and then back in the present, Danny does a Matt impression and it’s just lame. I officially have nothing more to say about DannyGokey. And to fill more time, Anoop and Allison do impressions too, but those are kind of funny.

Ryan makes Megan stand up first like she isn’t going home. Remember how Megan sodomized Bob Marley and then thought she had fans? Which you can't really blame on her since the audience was making a lot of commotion that could be mistaken for fanfare but was probably just that they were cheering because she had stopped singing, or maybe they all got mad cow disease or maybe Gokey put eyedrops in the drinking fountain and the effects were beginning to happen. I'm going to start pretending I have fans.

Then he makes Matt and Kris stand up and now I have no idea what he’s playing at. But then he makes all three stand together on the stage. Then Allison, Adam, and Lil stand together. Ryan leads Scott over to the stage and tells Danny and Anoop to join him.

The Brother - “I think it’ll be Scott’s group.”

Me - “It’ll be Megan’s.”

The Brother - “Nobody likes Scott and nobody like’s Anoop.”

Me - “Megan doesn’t have any fans. She has negative fans.”

Two Wednesday nights ago, David Cook traveled to the future, tonight, to tape this performance and then he went back to his own time. Now tonight, David from the past who traveled to the future is here in the present to sing a song in a fiendish plot to convince us that this performance is live! Just like Carrie Underwood two weeks ago and Kelly Clarkson the week before that. They're trying to trick us with that which we love. We're through the looking glass, people!

Time traveling David is hot though. He’s wearing a tie. I so want to have his babies. Or date his drummer. Or one of the guitar players, they’re all hot. But not the bassist. I wouldn’t have chosen this song ‘Come Back To Me’ as the next single, but whatever, cause his mom is singing along in the audience. I can’t wait to see the video, even though he kisses some chick who isn’t me and kind of looks like Taylor Swift.

David is about 4 feet taller than Ryan now and about 2 times wider, like he ate Archie and whoever it was that came in third last season. Two blondes bring out a framed platinum record of David’s and he cries like in the olden days that I missed so much. They don’t show it, but I hear he presented it to his mom.

On the way to commercial, they show a clip of the video. It’s creepy because he moves backwards up an escalator and through an airport to kiss that Taylor Swift clone.

For the second time tonight, Ryan says that someone “COULD” go home tonight. I don’t like what that indicates.

roarimaraptor: i hope it's all a massive april fool's joke

roarimaraptor: and ryan will be like, "just kidding, you're going home"

stonehousekthx: omg

stonehousekthx: EVIL

stonehousekthx: don't tell seacrest or he'll do it, especially when he's pissy and on his period

Kris is safe. Matt looks like he might vomit, and Ryan says once again he has to take a seat. As Matt walks to the stools, Ryan’s like, “No, on the couches, sucka.”

The judges still don’t care about Megan, and when Ryan sends her to the bottom 3 stools, she flaps her arms and squawks like a bird. I’m not trying to be funny, she really did it.

Lil… is safe.

Allison is dressed awesome tonight. I don’t know what happened yesterday. Then she’s in the bottom 3. She says, “Hey, familiar chair.” HA! Why won’t people vote for her?!! She is AWESOME! Get your act together, America!!

Adam is safe and his peeps in the audience are hot. The boy peeps. I mean, I’m assuming they’re boy-peeps. With Adam, one never knows.

Ryan pretends Danny might not be safe again and that is getting so old. I don’t get angry at you often Ryan, but I am angry right now. April Fool’s Day on this show is always stressful. It’s always stressful when anything can happen on a show where anything can happen!

Between Scott and Anoop, Anoop thinks he himself should be in the bottom three which is a modesty from him I’ve never seen. I like you tonight, Anoop. Scott gets led back towards the couches by Ryan and tries reaching for Anoop, possibly to hug or offer some sort of condolence. He looks confused that he is safe. Oh, if only he could see!!

If Amy Winehouse was a dude… and dressed in draq… you’d get someone they call Lady GaGa. But don’t try reading her poker face, because you won’t be able to. Her left eye has make-up drawn around it that makes it look like a cross between the wrist-eye tattoos that David Cook and Adam both have. This is awesome if you’re not looking at the screen, cause this song rocks, but if you watch it, it’s frightening. It’s like a nightmare I had one time.

Allison is safe!! WHOOO!! And I don’t even care what happens next, so my dvr can feel free to cut out. Simon says he’s not even going to pretend that he’s going to use the save on her. But she sings anyway. I meant to say, she “sings” anyway. And also, dances really badly with Paula. She cries that she’s going home to her baby. This is kind of sad. I feel bad now. I mean, what am I going to talk about without the tattoo?

But you know what’s weird? I’ve never really like this goodbye song, but tonight, somehow, it sounds different. It sounds so pretty and I want it downloaded NOW. Allison and Megan cry together while the video package plays us out.

March 31, 2009 - Don’t Speak

2009-03-31T18:28:00.000-07:00

I realized today that if No Doubt were fronted by Avril Lavigne rather than Gwen Stefani, you’d get Katy Perry. Look into. You’ll see I’m right.

THIS is American Idol!

Ryan is wearing a tie clip again because he said on his Twitter the other day that he is “bringing tie clips back”. The contestants are lined up stupidly on the stage and I refuse to discuss it. I also refuse to discuss the judges intro because it’s stupid. Except Randy and Kara are holding hands as are Simon and Paula. Ryan comes down solo, holding the hands of no one. But I’d hold them if he asked.

Randy calls Ryan “dude” and says the competition is getting tougher, but really, it’s not. Adam is going to be in the finale, no doubt about it and the judges save was enacted just to ensure that DannyGokey never leaves, ever. Simon calls Ryan amazing.

The theme is top 100 downloaded songs on iTunes this week. We see montage footage of Ryan recording one of his awesome radio shows that I never actually listen to because a fan only has so much time in the day and Ryan makes me exceed that limit. My love has bounds, ya know. The Idols are in the studio with him, talking about excited they are to be picking more current songs. Then they leave and it’s back to the present.

Anoop is first singing some song by Usher. I tried googling it, but he’s mumbling the words like he doesn’t even know them and is trying to fool us like when David Cook sang ‘Hungry Like The Wolf’ last year. The stage lights are green and… it just sucks. It all sucks. He’s got four or five obnoxious friends in the audience yelling and acting like their names are Danny. Randy didn’t like it, but he uses a lot of words to get to that. Kara is doing the massive cleavage thing that always makes me nervous and she thinks the performance looked like some frat boys - ha! Obnoxious friends in the audience - dared him to sing it. Paula wants him to be good next time. And Simon thought the whole thing was horrid and it gave him a headache. Agreed, Simon. Agreed. Anoop mutters that he’s trying to define himself as an artist by singing one of the most popular artists around. First of all, that was like 4 years ago. Second of all, you’re not defining anything. So just stand there and look nice, stop talking. Get off the stage before Seacrest smacks you.

Patti: seacrest needs to start smacking people

Shrewlaura: That should be his job. Smack the uppity contestants. He'd need a step stool or something though.

Patti: or a long stick

Shrewlaura: That'd be funny. He could walk around smacking his palm with it in a menacing way.

Megan is singing something about giving some love. But not just any love. But good, good love. Also, she’s wearing like 18 necklaces and she still has the same tattoo. She’s doing that same stupid vibrato that made me hate Carmen Rasmussen.

Patti: why is everybody cheering?!!

Patti: is it cause she stopped?

Shrewlaura: I cheered when she stopped.

Kara says she’s in trouble and the audience boos like it isn’t true. She calls her voice “irritating” and the audience boos some more like it still isn’t true. Paula’s wearing a dress where the top stops just below her nipples and she had to yank it up and hold it with her armpits closed tight to keep from flashing everyone. Simon tells her that everything they liked about her is disappearing, like she’s Michael J. Fox and his siblings in that photograph in Back To The Future. I don’t like her, but the judges just keep ripping her a new one and I feel bad. Stop!! And Megan, stop thinking you have fans.

On the way to commercial break, Danny and Allison fake-fight over a microphone. What kind of a grown man fights with a child over a microphone?

Ryan and DannyGokey are sitting on the stools discussing his song choice of ‘What Hurts The Most’ and Ryan gives him the opportunity to make excuses for sucking last week.

Me - “No! I love this song!”

The Brother - “Ha! He sings all the songs you love!”

Me - “I hate him so much!”

I won’t call it horrible, and it’s certainly emotional, but obviously Danny hit his plateau during group night in Hollywood. Remember that? That was awesome. He’s failed to be any kind of awesome since then. What hurts the most tonight are my ears. There’s a sign in the audience that says “Chicago loves Danny” which makes me want to move. Paula swoons all over his performance. Simon calls it his best performance. Agreed, I guess. But it’s been a long way since that group night in Hollywood. Simon freaks out about how much better he was than the two before him, but they sucked ass, so that’s not really saying anything. Kara says that he moved everybody in the audience tonight. Maybe their bowels.

Allison is singing ’Don’t Speak’ which is so weird since I mentioned No Doubt at the beginning of this recap. Her hair is what I call “Kimberly Caldwell hair”. But Allison is young, she doesn’t know any better. She’s wearing a dress that looks like a giant harmonica though, and that she has to take the blame for. Also, this is awesome, and she’s playing guitar. Or banjo. Something with strings.

Shrewlaura: Did Allison cut that directly off Caldwell's head and that's why it's red now?

Patti: i think so

Patti: have you seen that movie where caldwell was cut in half?

Pattii: that was awesome

Randy’s all “check it out check it out yo”. He says she rushed it a bit, but vocally it was good. Then they laugh at her ridiculous outfit for a little bit which is always fun. Kara calls it “good, but not her best”. Paula stumbles over some big words which eventually leads to saying she thinks Allison could possibly win. Then they laugh at her outfit some more. Simon though it was precocious and shouty, so everybody boos. Then when they go to commercial, I laugh at her outfit some more.

Scott is singing ‘Just The Way You Are’ by Billy Joel.

Me - “You’re boring Scott…. GASP!! *hand over mouth* How dare I!! He’s blind!!”

The Brother - “HAHAHAHAHA! You should have seen your face! It was priceless!”

He sounds as lovely as he always does, maybe even better. And somebody finally either brushed his hair or taught him how to use a comb.

Blozor636: He looks like Billy Joel's mom had a kid with George Michael's dad, and they gave him Kirk Cameron's haircut.

Kara fawns over him, Paula is very much proud of him and not because of his “challenge”. Simon loved it and calls Paula “madame” and says he’s glad Scott didn’t listen to her when she said to lose the piano and then she insists that she never told him to lose the piano. Randy starts yelling “One of the best of the night!!“ over and over again because nobody is listening even though it’s true.

Matt and his undying forehead pimple are on the stools with Ryan talking about song choices. Tonight, he has chosen ‘You Found Me’ which is not a bad song, but it’s sort of a boring song. Matt calls it “powerful” though. He’s playing a keyboard that is surrounded by girls. Matt actually makes this a lot less boring than The Fray does. I liked it, but Paula doesn’t. She calls it a “sound-a-like” and compares it to that horrid Coldplay song he did a few weeks back. The sheep boo. Simon didn’t “get it at all”. He thinks Matt is conforming himself to sound like other people in hopes of staying in the competition. I want to make out with Matt to turn his frown upside down. Randy and Simon shout out “Apologize” a million times because it would have been a better song choice and I’ve been saying that all along. That or Mad by Ne-yo would have been my choice

Here’s the thing about Matt though. He uses that line that he “wants to prove he can sing more than one song style”. How about you do what, like David Cook for example did? You sing what you would sing if you had the chance to put out an album. Not “I’ll sing whatever you put in my mouth.” because that doesn’t make you an individual artist. It makes you a pawn. I take back what I said about wanting to make out.

I forgot Lil existed again!! She’s singing ‘I Surrender’. Kelly Clarkson sang this so much better. A-Fed sang it too. I wouldn’t call his performance better vocally… but I found it more entertaining than Kelly’s which is saying a lot for me. I liked both better than this is what I‘m getting at. The judges liked it but didn’t like it. I think we should make it all go away. Just set Lil free.

Ryan torments Lil’s cute little daughters in the audience but they have nothing to say to him. Ryan offers them to go punch Randy for being mean to mom. The older ones refuses, but the younger accepts. But a punch somehow turns into a hug.

Back from commercial break, Ryan is sitting in Randy’s lap and hugging him. HA!!

Adam is singing ‘Play That Funky Music’. He’s still got that scary Elvis hair, but I like the performance. It makes me want to get up and play some funky music and I’m not even a white boy!

Paula says, “True genius does not fulfill expectations. True genius shatters it.” Then she compares him to Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler. The judges all love him basically. Adam throws props to the band which is so David Cook that it’s awesome.

Kris is awesome. Kris is so much better than Danny. I don’t know how people can even fuss over DannyGokey when Kris Allen is here singing ‘Ain’t No Sunshine’ behind his gorgeous piano, wearing his gorgeous jeans. Randy uses the words “slay” and “in the zone” and “loving you!”. Kara says “That.Is.Artistry.” The rest of the judges love him too.

You know what the finale should be? Kris verses Allison. Or either one versus Adam. Nobody this season is a Kelly or a Clay or a Carrie or a David, so it‘s just sort of like we‘re going through the motions. But that would probably be one of the better finales we could get.

I’m as shocked as all of you are that the show actually came in 4 minutes under today instead of running over like it always does.

Bottom three tomorrow? Anoop, Megan, and Matt. Who goes home tomorrow? Megan.

March 26, 2009 - Home, Sweet, Home

2009-03-26T18:03:00.000-07:00

I thought Idol was on at 8 tonight, so I almost missed it. I almost missed Arm Tattoo or Sarver getting sent home, cause you know it’s going to be one of them since they both think they’re in some summer camp talent show rather than on an actual singing show that is their one chance to make it big. But what do I know? I’m just a viewer. I can’t even sing.

The show starts with some stupid montage of last night’s episode set to some dramatic musical score, ending with close ups of the Idols faces in quick succession which is actually a very scary thing. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. And then Seacrest walks down the stairs without falling and it’s like I’m awake now.

Ryan promises us a very busy night. Ruben Studdard is here, Stevie Wonder, Smokey Robinson, and some person named Joss Stone. Where are we going to get all this extra time from? That must mean no filler. Then everybody cheers for all those judges we know so well. Then Ryan reminds us of the Judges Save, as if they’d actually be using tonight.

Remember how sweet it was to be loved by Kris? Remember when Megan sang a song I could have farted better? Remember when we looked closer and saw the tracks of Adam's tears? Remember gettin' it on? Remember when Anoop finally showed us that he can actually sing and that maybe, just maybe he was worthy of a 13th place after all? Remember Randy's bright ugly sweater and how he said "mad crazy" half a dozen times? Remember how the Idols went to Detroit and Smokey Robinson was there and then they came back to LA and Smokey Robinson was there again? Remember when Scott’s mom told him he can’t hurry love? But all he has to do is come to my house. Remember when Allison was ten times better than the rest of the girls and half of the guys?

Medley. “Set me free why don’t you babe” sings the ladies. Or rather, lip sync… that is so lame. Who the hell said it was okay to lip sync on a live show?! God, this annoys the hell out of me. If they can’t sing live as a group, kick their asses off the show and get somebody who can. I want to vomit on all lip syncers. Anyway, then Matt and Scott come out and sing ‘You’re All I Need To Get By’. Kris is wearing a dress shirt that is lovely and see thru, then a river isn’t wide enough to keep us from Adam and Danny and I suppose whoever else I haven‘t mentioned by name in this paragraph yet. .

The Ford music video this week is set to that annoying “Pocketful Of Sunshine” song. The Idols are laying out pieces of images that they’ve pulled out of the trunk of a Ford. Once completed like a puzzle, it’s a road going through a field and then they drive along it like this is a scene from Mary Poppins. I hope they meet up with some chimney sweeps!!

When introducing Ruben, Ryan has to over-annunciate the word “winner” because everybody forgot that even happened since the whole Clay thing overshadowed it. By the time he reaches the first chorus, Ruben is sweating so much it looks like someone set off the fire alarm sprinklers on his head.

blozor636: This beat Clay?

Ryan asks Lil what it was like taking a plane to Detroit. Scott yawned on the plane, and Matt was so excited to be in Michigan.

Adam is safe.

Remember that episode of Family Guy when Chris had a pimple and it was making him do bad stuff and then it pulled out a gun on him when he tried to get rid of it? Yeah, Matt has one of those in the middle of his forehead. And then… he’s in the bottom three. What? This ain’t right. Kris is beautiful and safe. But first Ryan makes him think he’s in the bottom three, and Kris starts shouting “Every week!!” Ha! Ryan is funny. Tricking the same people every week. I love him. He tricks Lil the same way, but it’s not funny. It’s only annoying. And then Sarver is in the bottom three.

Oh my God, David Cook in a commercial!! He’ll be performing on the show next week. It’ll be good times for me. I can’t wait.

If the judges and Ryan had a slumber party? It’d be exactly what we see when we come back from commercial break where they are all huddled together doing weird things and giggling about something we missed.

Who the hell is Joss Stone? I don’t like this. Make it stop. Even Smokey Robinson can’t save this.

The Brother - “It sounds like two girls singing.”

Then he farted and I was like, “Is that what you think of this song?”. He says yes.

Allison is safe, though she is too busy talking to hear Ryan when he firsts says it. Anoop is safe. We already know what the deal with DannyGokey is, so I won’t even talk about it.

Megan clutches Scott’s arm, and he looks like he might cry and/or vomit. He’s in the bottom 3. He is blind! How dare those bastards!!!

The Mother - “Blind people don’t have duct tears, right?”

Me - “What?!”

The Mother - “Do blind people have tear ducts?”

Me - “Yes, blind people have tear ducts!!”

I can’t believe the things she says sometimes. I guess I should believe anything since I’ve known her for 29 years. This is the same woman who took it personal when Stewie killed Lois on Family Guy. Because I thought it was hilarious, I got a "Do you think it'd be funny if your mother was dead?" lecture.

Phew, Scott is safe and back to the couch by Ryan.

Every time I see a Fringe commercial, I think it looks cool, but then I watch it and I am proved wrong. Happens every time and I never learn!

Stevie Wonder sings a medley of songs while Adam sways beautifully in the darkness and Arm Tattoo and Allison hold hands. I hope her ink doesn’t rub off on innocent little Allison. I like that girl. She’s like the daughter Kelly Clarkson and I should have. Anoop and Gokey dance like idiots. I want to punch them both. I’ll punch Anoop very softly though.

God, this medley won’t end!!

And finally it ends! But it was so long, I forgot which show I was watching.

Michael is out and has to sing and beg about how he’s not too proud to beg. Oh irony, I love you so. If I was on this show, I’d sing a song about goodbyes and leaving every single week just to have a moment like this. Also, ‘A Moment Like This’.

When he’s done singing, the judges haven’t decided his fate yet, and Ryan’s like, “Hurry up. We have two minutes. Let’s go. Quit messing around.”

So they say no. Then Carrie Underwood’s singing about how he’s going home, sweet, home. She has a lovely voice. I want to cradle it in my arms and make out with it. That might be a weird thing to say, but sometimes the truth is weird. And sometimes Michael Sarvers just aren’t good enough to win on this show.

See ya next week!!

March 25, 2009 - There’s nothing wrong with me loving you

2009-03-25T19:00:00.000-07:00

The Brother - “Remember that time we were driving and you thought you saw Kevin Federline so you hid your ovaries under the seat?”

True story.

THIS is American Idol. Or as I like to call it, “Giant Idol Heads On A Giant Screen Scaring Small Children. Also, Yours Truly.”

I’m still waiting for one of the judges to trip on the stage during this big show of making them walk across the stage to their seats.

Remember the shocking, only not-so-shocking elimination of Alexis last week? It’s okay if you didn’t, because Seacrest reminds us. Then the judges reminisce about how Alexis was such a good singer but she just couldn’t sing good on this very show here where that very thing matters.

This week is the 50th anniversary of Motown music. I don’t care so I won’t recap the montage. It’s lots of music stuff. Jackson 5, Smokey Robinson. Then the Idols flew to a place where Smokey Robinson hugs them and Scott pretends he can tell what Smokey looks like. Then they walk around and look at Motown records on the wall and other supposedly fantastic things.

Kauly Jo: is it cruel to take scott on a sight-seeing tour?

Back in LA, Smokey is the mentor. I hope he doesn’t teach them to smoke!!!

I’m sorry that was a lame joke. My head hurts from schoolwork. I keep trying to edit out my contractions because I’ve been working on an English paper that requires I don’t use any. It hurts my head to reverse from formal writing to the colloquial style I’m used to in these recaps.

Matt is going to get us all pregnant via sound waves by singing ‘Let’s Get It On’. You know what I have the sudden urge to do? Get it on with Matt. There’s nothing wrong with giving yourself to him. Except that thing in the middle of his forehead is even bigger than it was last week. I swear tonight it has a face. But can you can imagine if Constantine sang this song? I can already feel the alien baby he’d impregnate me with bursting it’s way out of my chest, because that’s just like a Constantine baby to leave the sanctity of the birth canal. Anyway, Randy is happy about this performance. Kara likes that Matt is coming out of his shell. Everybody likes that he is growing and could possibly remove DannyGokey from his front runner position.

Smokey turns into a giggling school-girl in the presence of Kris and his guitar and his prison-guard-at-a-concentration camp shirt. He’s singing ‘How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You’. He sounds good and looks delicious, but I’m not overjoyed by it. The judges all agree.

Scott is wearing a hideous combination of clothing. I mean, I think it’s lovely because we’re engaged to be married, but my God. Pink pants and a paisley shirt. Who dressed him? Oh… he’s blind. I get it. Alright. Nevermind. We’ll let that one ride. He’s singing a song I love that we know as ‘You Can’t Hurry Love’ even though I prefer the Phil Collins version to the Motown version by artist unknown. It starts slow, piano only and it’s very lovely. I hope he sings this at our wedding. The song picks up and then back-up singers surround the piano. Paula thought it was awesome, Simon hated it and the back-up singers. Randy and his ugly sweater agrees with Simon and calls it very “hotel”. Which means Randy thinks Scott is like the mom on The Suite Life. The judges argue forever over whether Scott should sing fast or slow songs. Paula’s not even wearing a shirt so she shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Paula - “I’ve got something for Simon. *crawls under table*”

Ryan - “We’re not allowed to show that.”

Ha! But she just pulls out crayons and a coloring book and calls him a 6-year old.

Scott says that he didn’t know until ten minutes before going on stage that his pants were a hideous shade of pink. You know who I blame for this? DannyGokey.

Back from commercial, Paula and Simon are coloring and Ryan yells at them for not staying inside the lines. He asks what else is under the table and Paula says something is under her skirt and Ryan panics and sends us to Arm Tattoos video package. What is happening to this show? Kara is a bad influence!!

Back from the video package, coloring supplies are gone and the judges look like they had been reprimanded. And then Arm Tattoo is singing and I want someone reprimanded for that. Even my mom thinks it’s bad and this is a woman who fawned over Kristy Lee Cook all last season.

Kauly Jo: her voice is annoying already

Kauly Jo: it's like that car alarm that you want to go smash to pieces

Randy calls it “bizarre” and tries to use technical music words and then gives up and calls it “mad, crazy”. Kara’s wearing a curtain I used to have on my bedroom window. The rest of the judges all think it was a horrible song, horribly done, and horribly arranged.

Anoop is singing ‘Ooh Baby Baby’. I hope those are the only words and that he forgets them, cause that would be awesome! But there are more words. Hmmm.

I don't get the point of decaf coffee. Also, Anoop. I mean, seriously, I just don't see what the fuss is.

I mean, I’m not deaf, I hear the lovely voice. But… I don’t know. I wouldn’t pay to hear it and I wouldn’t pay to see him in concert. Although I do plan on going to the tour this summer, so I guess I will partially be paying to hear him. But I haven’t decided yet who’s performances I will go to the bathroom during.

Kara stares him down because she loves him so much. The rest of the judges agree, except Simon thought it was kind of boring.

roarimaraptor: gasp!! if anoop was white, he'd look just like that security boy who never called me!!

JuleahFaye: OMG that's where your irrational dislike comes from!!!!!!

roarimaraptor: OMG!

roarimaraptor: it all makes sense now!!

roarimaraptor: if i meet him over the summer, i hope i don't yell at him about why he never called me

Halfway mark!! I always complain about this show being 2 hours every week, but you know when it gets down to 1, I'm gonna be all sad. That's one hour less of Seacrest, 1 hour less of joy and happiness, 1 hour less of my SOUL!

I know I've been totally dramatically weird and random this season, but this season has been totally dramatically weird and random. Everything was normal, and then suddenly there was an extra judge, and we went to Puerto Rico, and someone's wife was dead and in his mourning someone convinced him to wear ugly glasses forever, then somebody was blind, Kelly Clarkson made me gay in a matter of a split second, and then there was that one time Paula was chewing on Simon’s arm. But still I should probably try to reign myself in a bit. I hear people are printing these out and reading them to their love ones, who may no longer be loved ones if they've been reading all my recap shenanigans.

I forgot Michael Sarver existed!! He’s sitting on the stools with Seacrest and he reveals that he didn’t get to go to Detroit with the other Idols because he was sick. Geez. Everybody is so sickly this season. This is why A) All the guys wore scarves last year. And B) Why it’s better for them not to all live in one house where germs breed like… well, germs. He’s singing ‘Ain’t Too Proud To Beg’. Whenever I hear that title all I think about is the TLC song, which I love, even though it’s totally about sex, but that’s what all their songs are about anyway. This version is about begging someone not to leave. I have the same problem with Sarver as I do with Anoop. It’s not bad, I just don’t feel it. You know how when you’re dating a nice boy, but you just don’t want to date him anymore? Not for any specific reason, just because you’re not feeling it? Paula gets choked up when she tells Sarver that she loves him but it wasn’t good enough. Simon couldn’t wait for it to end. I didn’t think it was that bad. But I agree with Simon that he doesn’t have a chance to win this competition. Sarver babbles about something. Randy actually says smart things about how Sarver was trying to do too much with the song… but I can’t take my eyes off of Randy’s hideous blue sweater. Wow. But anyway, I do enjoy Sarver’s speaking voice. Accents are pleasing.

I forgot Lil Rounds existed!! But she is here. She is singing ‘Heat Wave’. She’s wearing some tinsel sewn together as a dress. Why are the girls half-naked tonight? Seacrest knows how I feel about this! Randy uses the term “mad, crazy” again. Its one of those phrases that can mean something good or something bad, depending on the context. But collectively, the judges don’t like this performance.

The Brother put a sock on his hand, made it talk, and called it “Kara”.

Then the judges argue, and if I didn’t already know they’ve hand-picked her for the top 3, I’d say this was pointless… which I guess, does make it pointless.

Me - *points and laughed at Adam*

The Brother - “At least Adam takes time to do his hair, unlike Scott.”

Me - “HE IS BLIND!!! HOW DARE YOU!!”

He’s dressed like Zac Efron in Hairspray. HAHAHA! But… GASP!! He’s singing one of my best favorite songs ever!! ‘Tracks Of My Tears’. It’s awesome. I want him to win! I want him to win all the money!! Smokey, Paula, and Kara stand up and clap for him. The girl judges freak out about it. Kara calls it “one of the best performances of the night” to which Simon disagrees and calls it “THE best performance of the night”. And this is the part where Adam would cry if he were capable of human emotion, which I am starting to think he’s not. He’s a robot, alien hybrid, of this I am sure! Randy calls him “unbelievably hot”. This show is making everybody gay this season!! It must be the presence of Adam. IT MUST BE!

Back from commercial, Ryan is holding a trumpet for no reason.

DannyGokey heard me making fun of his glasses cause now he’s wearing contacts in his video package. Or I don’t know that he’s wearing contacts, but he’s not wearing the glasses. But back on stage he is. Damn him! He’s singing a song I love. ‘Get Ready’. The Backstreet Boy did a performance of this way back when they first got together and Nick Carter still had the voice of a fetus. I liked it better than this. Paula loves it, Simon calls it amateurish and clumsy, Randy loved the energy and the “feeling of it”. Kara thought it was just good.

Back from the commercial, Paula is sitting in Ryan’s lap… and then Allison is singing ‘Papa Was A Rolling Stone’ and The Brother and I argue over whether she looks/sounds more like Kelly Clarkson or Hannah Montana. I see the Kelly comparison, which is why I used to call her Kelly Montana, but I see/hear the Hannah Montana thing more. To me, she sounds just like her. Only, you know, she can actually sing.

blozor636: That was the song that bought David the Gay a stay of execution last season. She has to perform it better than that.

And she does. Randy calls her one of the “dopest” things in this “whole thing”. Kara says she sings like she’s been singing for “400 years”. Paula has a mustache drawn on her face and she acts shocked that its there, even though she was sitting there, wide awake, as Simon drew it on. Allison laughs hysterically because she’s a child. I love her though. I laughed too. I won’t lie.

Tomorrow… Arm Tattoo leaves us. Other bottom two may include Sarver and…. *gulps* Scott. I am not happy about that.

March 18, 2009 - I smell T-R-O-U-B-L-E

2009-03-18T19:02:00.000-07:00

The contestants are lined up going down the stairs, with Scott at the bottom of course. Ryan walks down beside them telling us he has results that may shock us. Which I doubt, but okay. I love Seacrest so I take him at his word. I’m not into his suits so much, but he looks good in this grey one he’s wearing tonight. Over 31 million people voted last night and I’m going to be very upset if all those votes were for DannyGokey and you know a lot of them probably were.

Several girls scream and one nearly faints at the mention of Carrie Underwood’s name. But I do not blame them. Were she a different girl from a different season, I’d react the same way.

Remember when I got confused with two different Randys? Remember when Randy Jackson and Kris shared tender moments? And then Arm Tattoo went walking after midnight with a weird accent and a weird tattoo on her arm? Remember when Scott and his angels were wild? Remember when Adam was weird and scared me? Remember when I was always on Anoop’s mind even when I didn’t want to be? And then we dropped that zero and got with the hero? And then Matt was more awesome than anybody else?

Rather than a medley tonight, they are singing ‘Trouble’. Scott is playing on piano while the guys stand around it. Everybody irrelevant, and Allyson, are standing in front of the judges table. Then they all gather around the piano again, then they all stand up. And singing happens all the while. I don’t think they were harmonizing very well, but what do I know.

Introducing the Ford commercial, Ryan is holding what I thought was a silicon implant but it’s just a leftover water balloon from the filming of the Ford commercial. Which is just the Idols throwing water balloons at each other in the street. That’s not really fair for Scott. He can’t aim, nor can he duck if one comes after him. Idol is mean.

God, shut up. Everybody’s pissing and moaning about Jorge and Jasmine getting cut like it mattered. Sure, it’s sad for their dreams to be demolished, but they weren’t going to win anyway! So let’s move on! And if Lil Rounds calls Jasmine “snazzy jazzy” one more time, I will pop a cap. Then more boo-hooing about it. Did Jasmine die? Is that why we’re making such a deal out of it? Or is this just filler?

Sarver cries about how his baby thinks he doesn’t want to be with her anymore. Awww. That is sad. This is the kind of crying and boo-hooing I don’t mind.

Magically, Arm Tattoo isn’t sick anymore.

I looked down to accept a friend request on Facebook and the next thing I knew Danny and Lil were in the top 10.

Between Michael and Allyson/Allison… and Allyson is in the bottom 3... What?!! And so is Michael. Wow. Hmmmm. Michael I’m not surprised at, but Allison? She’s awesome. Though I’m not sure how to spell her name.

Brad Paisley singing pretty songs about pretty love.

Ryan gives Brad the results of his “performance”. Shut up, Seacrest. I’m not in the mood for your tomfoolery. I feel like I‘m getting a head cold and I‘m annoyed by people. Even the super delicious people like Seacrest.

Scott is so cute and awkward. I want to date him. He’s dressed very nice tonight. He’s very sweaty though. And he’s safe!! Nobody congratulates him though. Dude, why is everybody hating on the blind guy?

Arm Tattoo is safe. And Matt and Kris. Maybe I’ll see this tour.

Ryan asks Randy to choose between Alexis and Adam and who he thinks should be in the bottom 3. He says Alexis though he calls her Allison, but either way, it redeems the hatred I’ve been feeling towards him.

Allison is sent back to safety. Phew. I thought this was going to have to get ugly. She’s the only girl I even like this season.

Remember how Carrie was from Checotah and then she one Idol and then she carved her name into somebody’s leather seats? That was awesome.

I love Carrie so much. Not in a gay way, but like in a different way. Like if I had a horse, or if I hung out with Kelly and her horses, I would want Carrie to be the horse whisperer. Also, I want her to sing the soundtrack to my life. Like follow me around all the time, just singing songs that pertain to whatever’s happening at the moment. Like when a boy doesn't call she can sing 'I Know You Won't', or when I elope with a stranger in Vegas she can sing 'Last Name" and for no reason at all, she can sing 'Alone' at random intervals. She can sing anything, but if she tried singing 'My Life Would Suck Without You', I'd punch her in the face cause nobody sings Kelly, EVER! But then later we'd make up over Mojitos.

Also, I have a funny story.

I'm guilty of judging songs by their title. For the longest time I refused to listen to 'Wasted' because I assumed it was about being drunk and what do I wanna hear about Carrie being drunk for. Kelly Clarkson, sure. Carrie, not really. I hold her to a higher standard of classiness. But then one day when I was pumping gas it was playing outside the gas station and I was forced to listen.

Me - "I like this song! Who is it?"

Brother - "Carrie Underwood."

Me - "What? I don't know this song."

Brother - "It's called Wasted."

Me - ".... I thought this song was about being drunk! Like literally wasted!!"

So because of my foolishness, Carrie and I missed out on a lot of time we could've spent together.

But anyway, her and Randy Travis are singing ‘Told You So’ while Carrie wears a giant spider in her hair. Oh God, it’s gonna eat Ryan!! There’s like an avocado or something on her dress. Oh God, it’s gonna get on Ryan’s suit!!

Her voice is magnificent. I mean, if you asked me to choose between her and Kelly, I’d pick Kelly and there’d be no contest, but… man, is Carrie magnificent. Randy Travis however, does not look amused. He’s like glaring at her the entire time like he might want to just cut her. I wouldn’t want to sing with her either. You couldn’t pay me enough to try and sing with someone as good as Carrie. Dude, could you imagine if Carrie, Kelly, Clay, and David Cook sang together on this stage? It would implode, I’m sure of it. Also, Carrie kind of makes a man want to be a miniature horse.

JuleahFaye: randy travis's coat looks like the nightmare before christmas version of a randy travis coat.

Ryan wastes no time getting back to Sarver and Alexis. The judges would consider saving one of them but they don’t say which. There isn’t really time for a sing-off so I don’t know how they’ll work this… Michael is safe and Alexis has to sing again. That’s how they’ll work it. Sigh. Can’t we just send her home? Cause if they save her tonight, she’ll just get cut next week anyway. Paula and Kara kiss and cuddle and make out while Alexis sings. What the hell? When did everybody associated with Idol - including me - become so gay? Seriously. What is in the coke?!

Patti: why are the girls making out all the time?

Shrewlaura: Because all the guys are gay.

Anyway, they send her home. They’re still saving their veto power to ensure that DannyGokey never effin’ leaves, EVER!

Idol will on Wednesday and Thursday next week because of the president. Damn you, Obama! You’re pushing my patience. Who does he think he is?

Alexis teaches baby Ryan to say “Seacrest Out” and it’s kind of like how I try teaching my niece to say “Uncle Seacrest”.

March 17, 2009 - From zero to hero

2009-03-17T19:00:00.000-07:00

So I decided to forgive Idol for all its indiscretions lately. Its like a relationship. You either accept that things are the way they are or you leave. I always feel sad when the season ends and during the winter I don't quite know what to do with myself. So I should embrace it while its here, especially since I fear this may be the last season. They made a murder-suicide pact by adding all these changes. And besides, who would I replace Idol with if I did file for divorce? Not Dancing With The Stars. I left the room an hour into the season premiere and even that tested my patience. That Randy Jackson dance show is awesome, but I can't even remember who the host is and I could do with a little less of the judge in the middle who dresses like a flight attendant. Although she can be insightful sometimes, but sometimes she gets a case of the Randys and yells nonsense that is neither here nor there. Like that time last season when Randy yelled at that poor Australian boy, telling him that this show wasn't about dreams, when it really is about dreams. Seacrest? That's a dream if I ever saw one. Except I keep telling Seacrest to loosin’ up my buttons, but he keeps frontin‘.

But enough about that, THIS is American Idol.

The judges are introduced again and Ryan has to walk down those stairs again. I always get nervous. Stairs are dangerous. I’ve fallen UP stairs, so I know.

Kara and Paula make out while the crowd cheers for Ryan, then everybody awwws over whoever it was that got cut last week. Then Randy lies that the contestants have evolved.

It’s Grand Old Opry week, which I thought meant songs by members of the Grand Old Opry or something, but apparently it’s just songs by people who have either performed their or just drove past once. Or maybe it is members. I don’t know.

But Randy Travis’s reanimated corpse was here during the week to encourage the Idols not to sing stupid songs and to sing good. Dude, seriously, this guy looks like something from Puppet Masters.

blozor: He looks like a really scary David Bowie.

blozor636: And that's saying A LOT.

Randy tells Michael Sarver not to lick stuff or something and then Michael is singing ‘Ain’t Going Down Til The Sun Comes Up’. It’s pretty awesome. Randy’s not sure it brought out his capabilities, but Randy’s stupid anyway, so whatever. Kara is impressed that the song had a lot of words, but she didn’t like the performance vocal wise. Paula raves about the harmonica player that looked like Anoop but that didn’t have anything to do with Michael unless he took the kid off the street, sent him to music school, and then let him perform with him. But maybe he did. Maybe there is no end to Michael’s goodness. Simon didn’t like it at all. Sarver talks back and the sheep cheer him.

Allison is singing ‘Blame It On Your Heart’. I love this song. Wow… this girl is kind of awesome. The judges love her except for Simon. I think he was watching something else because he thought she struggled with the words but she totally didn’t. Score one for Allison, zero for Simon. Then something about dope. I think Randy’s selling drugs, but I wasn’t totally paying attention.

Kris is singing ‘To Make You Feel My Love’. I was just listening to Kelly’s cover of this earlier today. I was making a super awesome Kelly mix CD and this song went on it. And you know what? I’m not even mad that Kris doing it like I usually would be. Because this is awesome. This is beautiful and I think I love him. I am so downloading this tomorrow. Simon calls it “terrific” and everybody has a spazz attack. Randy repeats what he other judges said and then calls Kris his “dawg” and talks about tender moments. I don’t want to hear anymore about tender moments between Randy and anybody.

I forgot Lil Rounds existed. Hmmm. Well, anyway, she talks about how they have a pool at the house and eat in the same kitchen so therefore spend a lot of time together. Then she was nervous about choosing a country song. Just stop talking and sing!! This isn’t your show, Tyra. She’s singing ’Independence Day’ which sends me into a rage because this was Carrie’s song during season 4. She sang it so many times that I never wanted to hear it sung every again in my life. And it never should be sung by anybody but Carrie or Martina! I guess Lil Rounds didn’t watch the show that season. If someone’s going to sing about spousal/child abuse, I want it to be Carrie!! This is rubbish. Randy calls it “interesting” which tells you all you need to know. That it was horrible. Kara is wearing some a dress made of some sort of plastic wrap, aluminum foil hybrid material. Then she mutters about nothing. Paula lies that Lil was good. I don’t even really hear all that she says because her cleavage is so pronounced that I’m afraid if I lean to close to the TV, I’ll fall in them. Then Simon tells the truth that it wasn’t good and Lil argues and I reach through the TV and punch her in the face. Also, Simon can’t seem to get her name right.

I am alarmed by what Lil is wearing. I think Ryan is too. I sense the concern. Then it gets thrown off when he makes a small penis joke directed at Simon that confuses Simon.

In the video package, Adam frightens Randy Travis by wearing nail polish and talking about sitars. Adam is singing ‘Ring Of Fire’ and I keep picturing David Cook in his green tights from the Ford commercial last year. God, how I miss last year. I can’t decide how I feel about this.

Kauly Jo: simon's like "seriously? am i being punk'd again?"

roarimaraptor: this might be nice to play in the background while i make out with ryan, maybe

Kauly Jo: or after you smoke pot with him

I really kind of missed what the judges said because I was copying and pasting this:

JuleahFaye: i feel like i'm a snake being charmed

JuleahFaye: like this is from slumdog millionaire

roarimaraptor: or that snake in the kelly vitamin water commercial

roarimaraptor: all roads lead to kelly!

JuleahFaye: OMG

JuleahFaye: all roads!

Then Simon says “What the hell is that?”.

The Brother - “Put in there that I’m the only person who liked it and that Adam was making love to me through the TV.”

Me - “No! People will disown me!”

The Brother - “Just put it!”

Me - “No! No one will ever read this again!”

Ryan molests children in the audience before we cut to Scott’s video package. Randy Travis doesn’t like his song choice of ‘Wild Angels’ but doesn’t say anything about it… which is kind of his job, but whatever. People named Randy aren’t always the most useful people. We just have to accept that they are there. Then they hug and Ryan is being mauled in the audience by the people he is usually molesting.

Scott must have finally got a hold of a brush and/or a hairdresser, because his hair is lovely. I think this performance is quite lovely too. It starts out a little rough and nervous but then it kicks up a bit. Scott is so cute and awkward. I want to marry him and have his little blind babies and his little hot seeing eye babies. Well, wait… babies shouldn’t be hot. But you know what I’m saying. Paula tells him he should be without his piano, even though when he didn’t have the piano, she told him to get a piano. Simon comes to Scott’s defense saying that if he wants to be behind the piano all the time than he should be behind the piano all the time. Simon didn’t think it was a good song choice though. Randy thought it was just okay. Kara explains that what the other three judges have been spending 10 minutes arguing is that he needs to up his game a little bit. True dat. But still, I’ll download this song.

Scott said he spends his down time arranging his song choices and I love that. I love him.

blozor636: Last season, Paula got drugged up and she critiqued a song she hadn't heard yet. This season she told a blind man he should put on a stage show.

The Brother - “If they had a Cher week, Adam would kick ass.”

Me - “He’d just be himself.

Alexis is next. Randy Travis is alarmed I think by the pink hair and giant hoop earrings. Also, I think he wants to molest her. She’s singing ‘Jolene’. She sounded alright, but she was kind of boring. Bluesy in a way that didn’t work, as Randy says Kara thought she’d lost her edge. Paula doesn’t care if a person sings good or not, she says. Simon looks unusually good in his shirt tonight. Simon thought it wasn’t original enough. Alexis is all like, “I had fun.” and I’m all like, “Well, I didn’t. So get off the stage.”

If I was on this show, I would have sang either something by Carrie or ‘You Lie’ by Reba.

DannyGokey gets nervous in front of Randy Travis and can‘t sing. Or rather, he kind of sounds like Sanjaya while he’s rehearsing it. Ha! DannyGokey sucks! He’s singing ‘Jesus, Take The Wheel’, while wearing a stupid white coat that I‘m pretty sure I saw Carrie Underwood wearing once. I won’t even explain it because my laptop might explode.

Kara kisses his ass but it wasn’t that great. Danny has a good voice, I'm not denying that. I just don't care. The vibe I get from his attitude... I just don't care. I don't like the type of person he is. See, you can be a great singer and have a shitty-assed attitude... But not on this show. Why do you think the douchbags never win? David Cook? Kelly Clarkson? Carrie Underwood? Clay Aiken? Not only do they have totally fucking awesome voices, they are totally fucking awesome people. Who doesn't want to hang out with Clay Aiken? Seriously, who doesn't? Cause that's just weird and I want you to leave this recap right now. I don't trust anybody who wouldn't want to hang out with Clay. Or have Carrie sing to them from the shadows while they make out with Seacrest. Or give birth to David Cook's humungous headed babies. Or drink sodas with Kelly and maybe kiss her if she asked and maybe get drunk and experiment like college girls. If you don't want to do that stuff, then you are weird. And you need to leave.

Wow, that was weird what I just said. All of it. I apologize. I mean, I don't really, cause if I said it is what it is, but...... Don't judge me!! But seriously? All four of those people could single-handedly wipe the floor with him. Kelly would laugh if you suggested they compete against each other. She’d laugh in your face and then go make a sandwich, of which she would share with me.

Anoop is singing ‘Always On My Mind’. I love this song so much. He better not suck it up! I will find you Anoop. Oh, I will. Actually, I won’t. Nevermind. I don’t have the kind of passion needed to fight for Willie Nelson songs. But omg, I want to call Seacrest and sing him this song to make up for that time we didn’t speak for like a year and I taped over most of my episodes of On Air. Paula drunkenly exclaims that Anoop is “back” and that this song fit him like a glove. She breaks into fits of giggles because I suspect she’s remembering that phrase “No glove, no love.” And then Anoop calls her ma’am. Simon says he went from “zero to hero” which is a little extreme, but yeah, it was a good performance. Randy says nothing of interest, except that the arrangement was “dope“, which is sort of true. They agree that it was the best performance of the night, and although I might agree… that doesn’t mean anything. It’s been a fairly boring night overall.

I heard that Megan had a “wardrobe malfunction” during rehearsal. I suspect either her tattoo came to life and tried to eat Seacrest or a boob popped out. She’s singing ‘Walking After Midnight’. She over-enunciates and it’s annoying. God, it’s annoying. And she’s wearing a dress that’s like those mannequins in the old navy commercials where the mannequin proposes and then the other one’s finger falls off but it’s all okay because they’re wearing those dresses and I just want to set them all on fire cause it‘s stupid and annoying. They’re saying she was in and out of the hospital and that’s why she missed rehearsal and not the rumor I heard. My rumor was more interesting anyway.

I forgot all about Matt. He’s singing ‘So Small’. Hmmm. Randy Travis is disturbed by this, but it sounds like it might be pretty. In between his video package and when he starts singing, Paula is sniffing Simon’s arm and Ryan is standing by watching with his hands in his pocket. This show is so weird sometimes.

But this Matt? He’s awesome. I’d say that he’s so good he got Paula up on her feet dancing, but I get the feeling Paula dances to the sound of wind chimes and toilets flushing.

Kara tells Matt there’s nothing small about him. God, Kara. If you’re gonna be dirty, hide it in gay innuendo. Have you never seen how things work on this show? Did they not give you a memo? Paula stumbles over a bunch of words, some big and some small, to make some sort of point that I cannot understand. Simon tells Matt that he’s awesome and nobody’s been able to notice thus far because they’re too busy not shutting up about DannyGokey. Randy calls it his favorite performance of the night and I concur. Then Matt gets tearful. I wish him and Seacrest would hug.

Dude, I totally forgot about Michael Sarver. That’s bad. It’s been less than two hours.

So who’s going home tomorrow? Not Allison, Kris, or Matt. Probably not Scott, Adam, or that other guy with the glasses who’s name I’m tired of typing.

Roarimaraptor:: god, i wish jesus would take his wheel and drive it off a bridge

Shrewlaura: Seriously. Rescue us Jesus. Save us from Danny Douchey

March, 11, 2009 - I keep thinking that our problems soon are all gonna work out

2009-03-11T19:05:00.000-07:00

roarimaraptor: sorry, the new kelly video was on tv and i had to go watch it and become a raging lesbian for a few minutes

roarimaraptor: she looks so pretty in that video

SpiegelMeister3: I cant look at her for too long otherwise i get feelings that i cant do anythign about

roarimaraptor: my lesbianism doesn't go that far

roarimaraptor: i just want to stare at her and maybe drink sodas together

Is anybody else concerned about the big change they're revealing on tonight's show? Unless it's giving Kanye West a beating for acting like what Chris Brown did wasn't a big deal or replacing Randy Jackson with Kelly Clarkson, I don't want to hear about it. You know it's going to be something that's going to piss me off. I like order and routine, Idol!! Stop making me twitchy!!

The contestants are lined up dramatically on the stairs as Ryan dramatically walks down the stairs and introduces this show I used to call American Idol.

As Ryan introduces the judges panel, Randy boos like an idiot because he’s an idiot.

The new rule is that the judges get a “save”. Meaning, that night Constantine was cut because he sucked ass… the judges could have saved his ass. I do think he should have gone further… but he didn’t. That’s not the way it worked out. This is stupid. If I voted, I wouldn’t vote anymore. I want a divorce, Idol!! You can keep the kids. Except Seacrest. I get him. I will take this court to make sure I get him. And you won’t even get weekends!!

Anyway, the Idols live in some kind of uber-mansion that contains a bowling alley. My bedroom is the size of a walk-in closet and these bastards get bowling alleys and basketball courts in their house.

Jackson 5 Medley. The girls can’t harmonize with each other, DannyGokey acts just like the douche you think he’d act like, and Scott stumbles around like a blind man, but otherwise they sound good as a group. Alexis and Michael have awesome solos at the end.

Remember when last night when I wasn’t so angry with this show? Remember how Ryan dressed as a smaller-than-life-sized Ken doll? Remember how we were not alone because Michael Sarver was there? And then Allison was awesome and boggled Paula‘s mind. Remember how Scott kept the faith even through his blindness? Remember how Jorge sang bad without actually singing ‘Bad’?

Sarver says that “working is the word” and I punch him in the face.

OMG! I forgot about Ford commercials!! The video has the Idols in giant form on the side of high rise buildings to the tune of ‘We Will Rock You’. It’s stupid.

Sarver is safe. Kelly Montana is safe.

Jasmine is called down to the center of the stage wearing a pink beach towel as a dress.

Other Matt is safe, says Ryan, even though I’m pretty sure there’s only one Matt.

Kris and Arm Tattoo are called to their feet. Ryan makes everyone think Kris is in the bottom 3, but he is not. It is Arm Tattoo… and then suddenly Jasmine is going home. Ryan makes her sing again so we can pretend that the judges might want to call in their Save.

Jasmine’s goodbye package is set to a Motley Crue cover of ‘Home Sweet Home’ done by Carrie Underwood. You know I love Motley Crue, covers, and Carrie Underwood. But this doesn’t redeem Idol tonight. It does not. Nice try.

The stage doors open and there’s Kanye West. He’s wearing denim wrapped in denim wrapped in denim covered in some more denim and underneath it all, he’s probably wearing a “support Chris Brown” t-shirt. I hate you and your stupid mechanical voice. Get off my stage. He’s worse than all the bad contestants put together. For reals, ya’ll.

JuleahFaye: this is like paying a rapist to play your 7 year old's birthday.

roarimaraptor: and then he promotes domestic violence too

roarimaraptor: over cake

JuleahFaye: listen bitches. snitches get stitches.

Listen people. If you go on a show hosted by the Osbournes and you let them blindfold you, then you have no one to blame but yourself when you remove the blindfold and find you’ve just tongue-kissed someone old enough to be your grandmother. I’m just sayin’.

Then Scott is safe. Alexis safe, even though you know at least half of the people who voted for her dialed the porn line number. You know it! Don’t deny you know it!! If you’re denying it, then you’re a guilty one!

Oh God, DannyGokey. As safe as he’ll ever be.

Anoop is in the bottom whatever. Adam, The Only Thing About This Show Worth Watching Anymore Next To Seacrest, is safe. Jorge is in the bottom two.

JuleahFaye: 10 bucks says in an hour america is criticized for disliking ethnic people.

roarimaraptor: yes

roarimaraptor: also, i will be called a lesbian unless i can figure out a way to properly explain my crush on clarkson

JuleahFaye: well that's unfair

JuleahFaye: you're a clarksbian at worst

Let me explain something about this. I’m totally into boys and not into chicks at all… but if I was like at a party or something and somebody suggested playing spin the bottle and I had to kiss Kelly Clarkson… I’d totally do it.

So she’s here!! She’s HERE!! She hugs Ryan, and then they talk about her album, and she says her new song is about Ryan, and then Ryan sings part of her new song, and then she sings her new song and it’s awesome. She looks good, she touches hands in the audience, her voice sounds a little tired, but she still sounds good. Kelly is like one of my most favorite people ever. I love her so much. Do you think if I asked her, she’d be like my civil union partner or whatever we’d have to be called? The proposal would be something like, “Kelly… would you make me the happiest recapper alive and be my life partner? Because my life would suck without you.”

And then it ends and I am sad.

SweetyPi9897: if anoop doesn't go home i'm going to killl somebody

SweetyPi9897: that somebody being anoop

And now Anoop must die because he’s safe.

It’s sad watching Jorge sing about how he never can say goodbye even though we all know, even with the new judges Save, that he’s saying goodbye right now as soon as he’s done singing. The lyrics to this song are my feelings toward this show.

Everytime I think I had enough

I start heading for the door

There's a very strange vibration

That pierces me right to the core

It says turn around you fool

You know you love her more and more

Oh, I hate you Idol for making me love you!!

The girls are dancing and singing along while Randy and Simon talk to each other and for some reason, it’s hilarious. Then it’s home, sweet, home for Jorge.

See ya next week. Maybe.

March 10, 2009 - "I tried to vote for Alexis and some guy asked me what I'm wearing!"

2009-03-10T19:05:00.000-07:00

The Brother - "So do you think Cook and Kimberly Caldwell ever did anything together?"

Me - "Ew... Of course they did. She's a whore."

THIS is American Idol. Or as I like to call it "4 Judges Who Make You Think You're Picking The Top 12 But Really They Are " or "Shut Up, Randy Jackson".

Ryan’s wearing a big boy suit tonight. The judges are introduced by an announcer as they come out from behind the stage. They walk like it’s a fashion show to their seats. Then Ryan is announced and he walks down a million steps to get to the stage. This makes me nervous because stairs make me nervous. I’m good at falling down them and what if Ryan channels my clumsiness and falls? Ryan laughs cause he thinks this entrance thing is lame. Then him and Simon hold hands and make out.

Randy says that all 13 people could win. Is that what they’re going to do? Have 13 winners? I wouldn’t be surprised. Then Kara talks like she’s ever been on this show ever and has a clue what she’s talking about.

Kauly Jo: why does it look like paula's wearing a leopard that ate a big bird?

The contestants are all introduced one by one and it seems like there’s more than 13. I swear Ryan’s calling out names for like an hour. We already know who they all are, so we won’t talk about them. Except there’s Kris, Adam, and Scott with his blind seeing eye guy.

Whooo! 2 people are going home tomorrow! Take that, number 13!!

Tonight’s theme is… Michael Jackson songs. If Archie was still here, I’d make some Jesus Juice jokes. But he is not. So I will not.

Lil Rounds is first singing ‘The Way You Make Me Feel’. This is probably the song I’d sing if I was on the show. Lil’s top was cut off of a prom dress. There’s nothing impression about any of this.

Blozor636: This sounds like music they play for narcoleptics if they have trouble falling asleep.

Randy’s all “WHOO! YAY THE BEST SONG EVER!!!” God, lay off the drugs Randy. But then Kara says the same thing. So I’ll agree. Vocally, she wasn’t bad, but it’s like… so what? I wanted to take a nap. Simon calls it a “lazy” song choice and he gets booed even though it’s true.

In case you guys didn’t know it, Scott’s blind. Also, awesome. But that we already knew. Hot seeing eye guy is Scott’s brother! His sister is also blind. This is sadness. My future husband here is playing the piano and singing ‘Keep The Faith’, a song I have never heard. It’s very pretty. My only issue is that somebody needs to tell him about that stupid upturned collar on his coat. I don’t approve of upturned collars. They look stupid.

The Brother - “He actually brushed his hair!”

The Mother - “He can’t see it though.”

Me - “But everybody else can!”

Kara liked the song choice because Scott has a message and his message was carried out in this song. I like songs with messages. Paula calls his instrument at his fingertips, magical. Simon hated the song. Randy tells him that he thought ‘Man In The Mirror’ was better but Scott never sang that song, so that just means Randy is stupid and nothing he says should ever be taken seriously.

My only fear bigger than dying alone, or being cornered by Constantine in a dark alley or a well-lit hallway, is to marry someone with a terrible last name. I don't want to pass on to my kids a horrible name like Humperdink. Or Gokey. I like simple names, like Cook and Seacrest. And Braddy. Oh God, I miss Ricky!! I blame this entirely on Anoop and his stupid number 13.

Anyway, back to DannyGokey. Everything thinks that one day I will magically love him, but I promise y'all right now that I will not change my feelings on DannyGokey. I know it happened with Constantine and David Cook, but those were different. My hatred for Constantine was fueled by some misguided passion which eventually bubbled to the surface, but once I took some antibiotics, I went back to hating him as I was meant to do. I explained already that I was under a lot of stress when Cook came along thanks to Clay Aiken's bad haircut and I had to direct that anger somewhere. David seemed the most likely candidate because... Well, just look at pictures of him from back then. But then he turned into a swan and his true beauty was revealed.

He tries being funny in his video package but it reminds me of when Kim Caldwell tries to be funny. He’s singing PYT. I’m going to take this moment to eat some Flavor Blasted Nacho Goldfish.

I don’t ever want to hear him use the word tenderoni again.

Paula stands up and dances just like you thought she would. Also, she’s wearing a feather. When he’s done, the judges all kiss his butt and then crown him the winner. DannyGokey either promises or threatens to keep up the horrible dancing.

Michael goes back to his oil rig job to rub the TV camera’s into his old coworkers faces. His cute little daughter has what she calls “happy tears”. Back in LA, he’s singing ‘You Are Not Alone’. His face reminds me of if Nick Carter and Brian Littrell from BSB had a baby together and raised it as an oil rigger who then went on American and sang that song about how you are never alone, not even when you want to be alone, because he is always there.

This song was written by R. Kelly. Ponder that one, America. Ponder it. Also ponder that this was the video where Michael frolicked butt ass naked.

Simon calls him “not the best singer”, but that he made up for it with passion and heart. Randy calls him “one of the best” even though only four people have sang. Kara has a giant black ribbon around her neck. I wonder if you untied it… if her head would fall off.

Jasmine has the face of someone I’ve seen on this show before. She tells Ryan that stylists take them shopping for clothes and do there hair and Ryan gets jealous that they get to keep the clothes. Back in Jasmine’s hometown, she has 18 sisters and like 4 moms. Also, some babies.

She’s singing ‘I’ll Be There’. I love this song! The judges reviews are mixed.

If I was on this show, I’d sing ‘I Found That Girl’ and dedicate it to Kelly Clarkson.

Next is Kris. I don’t approve of the spelling of the name, but I like him. Ugh, he’s married. Nevermind. I’m not into married men.

But oooh! He’s playing guitar and singing, ‘Do You Remember’. This is awesome. Who cares if he’s married. He does funny things with his mouth when he sings though. I hope he doesn’t do that when he’s kissing his wife.

Kara points out that the girls love Kris and so the girls scream in response. She tells him he’s awesome with his guitar. Kara tells us that Kris spent a lot of time this week helping out other contestants. GASP! I love him!! Simon tries to take Paula’s clothes off while Paula tries to explains that the reason Kris was helping the others because no one knows Michael Jackson’ catalogue better than him. I’m not sure what that means. But then she calls him “Adorable sexy”.

Something weird happens and then Ryan makes a big fuss about Simon being single.

Kelly Montana is next and I’m the only one in the world who thinks she looks or sounds at all like Hannah Montana. One of these days I need to learn her actual name. But this is not one of those days. She’s singing ‘Give In To Me’ a song I do not know. It’s awesome. Paula calls her “mind boggling” and a “rock star” and that she’s probably been doing this since she was two. Even though we just saw a home video of her doing this when she was two. Simon calls it a good performance and he’s glad that she knows what kind of artist she wants to be. Randy tells her she’s “got it”. He calls her “one to watch”. Indeed. I like her. And I rarely ever like the girls. If I had a song, I’d want him to date her.

I've tried, but I just don't get this Anoop thing. Please don't try explaining it to me cause I still won't get it. Its like if you asked me to explain the Seacrest thing. I wouldn't be able to cause even I don't understand my love for him. I might have some sort of protein or vitamin deficiancy and if I just got a little more sunlight and ate a steak it would pass, but that's the closest explanation I can give you. Him and Ryan reminisce about how last week Idol was expecting 12 babies but the ultrasound kept missing the 13th baby. And then it was born and they named it Anoop. Then he came back this week and sang ‘Beat It’. He doesn’t even sound like himself. The stylists did good things to him though. Except for the stupid turned up collar.

Paula and Simon say “after you” for 10 minutes until Ryan punches them in the face and tells them to get moving cause we only have 49 minutes left. Paula thinks ‘Beat It’ is untouchable. Simon thought it was horrible and karaoke. And the rest of the judges concur. Anoop gets a little case of the “pissed-off” eyes, which I don’t approve of.

Patti: he's acting kind of assy

shrewlaura: Seriously.

Patti: and that's why i don't like danny gokey too... since everybody keeps asking why

shrewlaura: I would never question a person's dislike of Danny Gokey.

Awww, Ryan sits in the audience with his mom and his Nana. He took them out to dinner the other night. I saw it on the internets.

Jorge is singing ‘Never Can Say Goodbye’ one of my favorite Jackson 5 songs. If you asked me and Ryan what our song is I’d say this. Among others. But this one too. I want Scott to sing it at our wedding.

Randy said it was too old fashioned. Kara didn’t like the song choice and then Paula had “mad love”,

Paula - “Why did you pick this song?”

Jorge - “ I didn’t have a lot to choose from. I wasn’t going to sing Bad.”

Simon - “Well, you sort of did.”

Jorge - *death glare*

HAHA!

Arm Tattoo and Ryan sit in the drinking fountain stools and talk about how her family and friends forced her into auditioning. Those bastards!! Her brother is in the audience and he’s cute. I’d totally date him.. If he was a few years older than 21.

Megan is divorced and has a kid? I didn’t know this. I mean, if I went back through my recaps, I’d probably find I had plenty to say about it, but I don’t remember. She’s singing ‘Rockin’ Robin’. This song shouldn’t be sung by anybody other than kids under 10 in talent shows.

Kauly Jo: why does it look like she stole a dress from an 80 year old hooker??

Simon calls it a stupid song choice. He calls it clumsy and awkward. Many truths there. Ryan tells us to vote for her, but we won’t.

ADAM!! In his video package he’s wearing the same shirt Kris wore earlier tonight. Hmmm. Interesting. He’s singing ‘Black and White’. I hope Ryan does the Macauley Culkin rap. Adam isn’t scared of no sheets, by the way. I like this racial equality side of Adam. And I like that I now know the lyrics to this song since I never understood them when Jackson sang them.

Kauly Jo: not surprising that Adam would pick a song where in the video men morph into women and then back again

^ ^ Best quote ever.

Paula yells at Adam to “Take it!!” She loves him and makes him cry with her flattering words. Then she talks about fashion marrying music which might get the homophobes up in arms. But Adam probably already did that and they changed the channel before hearing Paula say it. Simon says the performance was in an entirely different league than anybody else. I won’t repeat Randy’s nonsense, but he praises Adam to the high heavens and so does Kara. It’s like why are we even bothering with this show? Just let Adam sing all night every night, every week, until May. Then we can bring back David Cook and they can sing and cry together.

Kauly Jo: adam is the most masculine girl on the show. and yet, she makes ryan look feminine somehow

Matt’s dad cries about how much he loves Matt. And then Seacrest molests a bunch of girls in the audience who I will have to beat up after the show if they touch him. Matt finally plays this piano we keep hearing so much about. He’s singing ‘Human Nature’. The judges love him.

Alexis is from Memphis and she likes the blues. Then she cries about her baby. Now she’s singing ‘Dirty Diana’. It’s really good. Kara and Paula call her naughty and get all lesbian flirty. The judges rush through their comments because we’re running out of time and Ryan has to carefully explain Diana’s number for tonight. Rumor has it that 1-866-IDOLS-13 is actually a sex line so they had to give number 13 a special number. Remember last year when I tried voting for Cook and I kept getting what I feared was a sex line?

Kauly Jo: HAHAHA. the girl with the porn line singing Dirty Diana. when did Idol get on the sex train??

Seacrest announces another change for tomorrow night. Damn you, Idol! Don't make me say things I can't take back!

So who goes home tomorrow? I guess Jasmine, Arm Tattoo, or one of those other people who’s names I don’t know.

Also, Kelly Clarkson is here and I go lesbian for 3-5 minutes.

March 5, 2009 - Tatiana? Tatiana? We love you. Seek professional help, dear.

2009-03-05T18:01:00.000-08:00

Damnit, Idol. We discussed this Thursday night thing and it throwing off my equilibrium last week. How dare you disrespect my equilibrium like that. After all its done for you! Also, you preempt Bones and I don't appreciate that.

THIS is American Idol... According to Seacrest anyway. According to me, its Americal Crapol. I'd rather watch American Pie than this, and I hate that movie. Did you hear me, Randy Jackson? I'd rather watch someone have sex with a pie than this and its all your fault.

Oooh, Ricky Braddy. But the judges have already decided who they're choosing anyway, I'm sure, and I'd be really surprised if Ricky was among them.

I'm not sure how this is gonna work tonight. Are they going to sing the same crap-ass songs that didn't get them into the top 12 in the first place or did they have to learn a whole new song in the last 24 hours? That's kind of harsh, but then again, pulling it off is the mark of a professional. Like if Clay Aiken was sitting in the audience right now and Ryan was like, "Dude, we need some filler. Will you sing?" Then he'd get up and sing the most beautiful rendition of 'Rainbow Connection' anybody’s ever heard.

Scott is sitting with the other Chosen Ones and has this expression like, “Where am I? Are we live? I can’t see the ‘On Air’ sign. Is DannyGokey still wearing that stupid smile that Patti described to me during a 6 hour phone call last night?”

Jesse is singing that “tell me something good“ song. I don’t like it, but her dad is all “WHOOOO!!” Randy calls it “just alright” and I agree with him even though we’re not speaking because of that whole Tatiana thing last night. Simon calls it indulgent which I totally agree. I call it boring, also. Jesse shamelessly flirts with Simon. Oh puke. Sit down.

Matt G. is wearing a stupid hat and scarf, but he‘s cute in his video package so it‘s okay. He’s singing a song I love called, ’Who’s Lovin’ You’. Kara thanks the real Matt for returning instead of the imposter Matt we had last week. Paula’s all like, “blah blah, don’t sing Coldplay ever again, cause this was awesome”. Simon calls it a billion times better than last week, but hates what Matt’s wearing. The scarf does kind of make him look like he’s got Malaria.

Arm Tattoo has a face of something from a Wax Museum. She’s singing that song I hate about a horse and a cherry tree.

JuleahFaye: the washing machine hip dance thing is BACK

roarimaraptor: and she didn't have the decency to cover that evil on her arm

JuleahFaye: SERIOUSLY

roarimaraptor: i'm so glad i'm not the one for her

Paula starts out by saying she looks beautiful tonight, which means she sucked vocally. But then she says it was a good choice for her, so I’m confused. Simon loves on her FOREVER and I‘m still confused. Maybe I should have paid attention to her actual singing instead of imagining up ways to get rid of the tattoo.

Von is singing ‘Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word’. He’s singing it like an annoying little kid whining. God, Von. I was neutral about you until just now.

JuleahFaye: he looks like a young frankie munez

JuleahFaye: where are your brothers, malcom?

roarimaraptor: ha!!!

roarimaraptor: HAHAHAHA!

roarimaraptor: he does!

JuleahFaye: i KNOW

JuleahFaye: he's almost a twin

JuleahFaye: what's that movie when he's the spy?

JuleahFaye: it's like frankie then

JuleahFaye: like he's going to bump into hillary duff and have an adventure

JuleahFaye: and they'll stumble through early sales success on their tween targetted albums and then fall in love on the big screen. but later one will have a dui and the other an eating disorder

Simon likes Von and Simon likes the song, but he did not like the coupling of Von and the song. Simon says he was too serious, but if he was acting silly like Nick, Simon would have told him to stop and act serious. So make up your mind, Simon Cowell, or I’ll make it up for you. Randy and Kara weren’t crazy about the song choice. Paula talks about the “technical part” of singing, which is the singing part of it, and that he didn’t do it so well. But underneath that he is a brilliant singer. Says Paula.

Kauly Jo: ps. i think von smith's downfall is not that he's too worried but that he sang a clay aiken cover of an elton john song, and let's be honest...even American Idol can only handle so much gay

Jasmine is next and she’s singing ‘Reflection’. Every season a girl tries to sing this song and is told it’s too big for her. This time is no different. Except they thought she was good compared to others.

Ricky is magnificently dressed in a white dress shirt (untucked), a grey vest, and a red tie. He’s also sporting a most splendid fauxhawk. He’s singing ‘Superstition’. It’s awesome. I’d gladly suffer from superstition if Ricky was the cure. Also, if we could listen to The Cure and watch the movie The Cure together. This is so awesome. It’s so awesome that stupid girls scream and it doesn’t even annoy me. The judges have mixed feelings towards it. I disapprove of their opinions.

Tatiana is like an infected limb that got cut off but keeps growing back so many times that you just want to light it on fire. I swear I will not go to the tour if she's there. Not even if Ricky, Adam, and Scott promised to join hands and play ring around the rosie with me. Her accent comes and goes in her video package. As Ryan introduces her, he’s on his knees with his hands together like he’s praying this will end someday soon. Oh no! She’s singing a song I like!! ‘Saving All My Love For You’. Having an affair with a married man and expecting him to actually leave his wife for you is just as stupid as the idea of Tatiana still being here. I hate that she can sing, cause she’s so clearly and completely bipolar. She yells “thank you” to Paula about 18 times and then babbles in a stupid half-accent that Kara calls her on. She pulls a Jorge and says that it’s because she gets excited and thinks in Spanish and it confuses her and that’s the stupidest excuse I’ve ever heard. Simon tells her to stop singing this same song every week. Her and Simon argue over why she picked this song AGAIN and then Simon punches Randy in the face for subjecting us to this nonsense in the first place. Then for some reason Tatiana is on her knees and Ran tells her she can stay there and then realizes what he said and gets on his knees before she can follow through on what he accidentally implied.

I don’t get the whole Anoop thing. He’s singing ‘Premonition’. It’s the same thing as you remember him doing last time. The audience cheers forever. It was good, but not great. The judges go on and on and I don’t even know what they’re saying. Anoop gives props to Chapel Hill for reasons I don’t know.

Ryan calls Jasmine to the center of the stage. Randy tells her that she in the top 12. I have no opinion on that.

Ryan calls Ricky front and center. Kara breaks my heart and sends Ricky home.

Ryan calls Tatiana and Arm Tattoo to the stage….. Thank God. Arm Tattoo is in and Tatiana is not. Tatiana stands on the floor in front of where the judges sit with her head down like a 3 year old. Seriously, my 3 year old niece does this when she’s mad.

Ryan calls Jesse to the stage and she is not in the top 12.

Ryan calls Von down. Paula tells him he did not make it.

Now it’s down to Matt and Anoop. I know how I want this to go… but I also know how it’s going to go… omg! I was wrong!! Matt is in!!! MATT IS IN!!

Wait… then Simon drops the bomb that this year it will be a top 13 and Anoop is in… what? My head just exploded. Why don’t we just bring the whole 36 here and make it a top 36? Nothing against Anoop. He’s a good singer, but it’s not like he’s sooo good that you have to rewrite the entire format of the show to include him.

I was just about to write about how I wasn’t going to watch this show anymore… and then Ryan said Kelly Clarkson will be here LIVE NEXT WEEK! OMG!!!

March 4, 2009 - This is how a heart breaks

2009-03-04T18:08:00.000-08:00

What if Scott was in the finale and he was like, "Sike! I'm not blind at all! Suckers!!" And then grabs the keys to the Ford Jetta or whatever car the finalists are given this year, cackles like a Joker, and then runs off, never to be seen from again? That'd be awesome.

THIS is American Idol.

Ryan is wearing a suit and slightly loosened black tie. That is so hot. He lies, in this beautiful tie, that the judges will be providing us insight tonight. Oh Ryan, you do have such a wonderful sense of humor. Since lies are in the air tonight, Paula says this is like the best group of 12 ever.

We get a montage of everything from the auditions until now - including Nathaniel having been through a lot, Scott being born blind, Ju’Not’s baby, people screaming, more people screaming, Jorge being Latino, Scott wanting to be an inspiration, and people crying - all set to the tune of ‘A Daily Anthem‘. I hope this is the goodbye song this year. Not because it’s relevant, just cause I love it.

The group song tonight is ‘Hot and Cold’. The girls suck and Kristen looks drunk. The guys all sit down as they sing, I think for the benefit of Scott. Nobody wants to see him fall off the stage. The girls walk down the stairs, but no matter how hard I pray, none of them fall. Alex looks lost. It doesn’t sound bad, but if you have vision, like I do, it’s ugly to watch. I love Scott, really, but it’s go to be soooo awkward to be him. I can’t stand being surrounded by a bunch of people on or off stage, but if I was and couldn’t even see them? I’d freak out.

Remember when we were all Von needed to get by? Remember when Ju’not made ‘Delilah’ an even more painful, drawn out death for me then it was when the original group sang it? When Felicia kind of looked like Kimberly Caldwell, but sang good and didn‘t make me want to scrub my face with bleach? Remember when Alex was awesome and awful wrapped into one tortilla shell? Remember how I decided, at this very moment right now, that I never want to see Kristen’s face again? Remember when Kara wanted to go shopping with Taylor for shirts for Simon or something? Remember when this was for the girls and then Nathaniel wanted to do anything for love? And Jorge was from Puerto Rico and I wanted to marry Scott?

Note to self: Download ‘Mandolin Rain’

Nathaniel says he wouldn’t have changed anything about his performance last night, but he’s not wearing his headband now as Ryan points out. Jorge is still from Puerto Rico. Ju’not had an asthma attack during rehearsal or something. And then something about Felicia and something.

Ryan tells Lill Rounds to stand up and everyone screams. Why do I feel a yawn coming on? I think it’s because she’s in the top 12. I’m so bored already. She acts like Fantasia in her excitement and it’s just annoying. You know she’ll be hear, just skating by, until the top 4. Then next season at this time, I won’t even be able to remember her name, like I can’t remember that whats-her-name who was third last season. Her hair is kind of cool, but she’s wearing a checkered table cloth as a skirt. She sings her song from last night, which I don’t even recognize as a song I’ve ever heard anybody sing ever.

I was looking at the ratings for this show and it says “Rated L for Infrequent Coarse Language and D for Some Suggestive Dialogue.” HA!

He has Arianna, Alex, Taylor, Kendall, and Scott please stand up, please stand up. Arianna is not in the top 12, which is good because I can’t even remember what she sang last night. Neither is Taylor, which is fine because we already have a Taylor. I want to swap hoodie’s with Alex, but he’s out, so I can never live out that dream. The Kendall and The Scott stand alone, as if Kendall would be in over Scott. Scott is in and him and Alex awkwardly hug.

Note to my readers: Please call me Mrs. Scott Macintyre from now on. And that’s not the first time I’ve had that last name. The last time it was spelled Mcintyre. Ya’ll know who I’m talking about.

I just added Mandolin Rain to my Myspace music player. Like it or lump it.

Ryan’s got bedroom eyes tonight.

Ew, he calls Kristen to the stage with Nathaniel. I want him to stab her with one of his nose rings. He could take her, she looks so stoned. It’s a no for Natheniel right now and a never again for Kristen. Von and Felicia - or as I like to call her, “That Kimberly Caldwell chick” cause she reminds me of her in the oddest of ways. It’s a no for both of them. Jorge and Ju’not are called down to the stage. If I wasn’t so lazy, I’d turn the TV off and leave the room right now, because this is nonsense.

A good laugh is had by all when Ryan makes them think they have to wait until after the break but then they don’t. Jorge has 7 different kind of break downs when Ryan announces him in and Simon looks just as displeased as I feel. Well, I’m not really displeased. Nothing personal against Jorge, but there’s others I liked better.

I hate this top 12.

Ryan reintroduces us to the top 9 already and I only care about Adam, Scott, Kris, Kelly Montana, and Scott’s blind seeing eye guy.

Even my computer can’t stand DannyGokey cause it crapped out just as I was typing the last part. By the time it turned back on, Von was in and Kara was telling Jasmine and her giant forehead that she needs to “kill us” with song choice. Paula chooses Ricky Braddy! I love you Paula!! I want to now be known as Mrs. Ricky Braddy. Simon chooses that crazy Megan with her crazy, creepy arm tattoo.

Randy’s next pick is Tatiana… um, okay, Randy needs to be fired. First he picks Caldwell, then he comes back and does this. You are DEAD to me, Randy Jackson! DEAD! This is so effin’ STUPID. It’s not funny anymore. The tragedy of Tatiana was only funny for like the first 15 seconds and then it got stupid and annoying.

I hope Scott “accidentally” bumps into her and knocks her ass down the steps. Kara picks Matt G. Paula picks Jesse. Who are these people they’re picking? I don’t know these people!! They aren’t even picking actual people!!

Simon picks… Anoop…

I’m not watching this show. They just passed up several good - or at least, entertaining - people to pick a handful of …. People I forget even existed until now. And even now that the camera is off of them, I’ve forgotten them.

I’m not watching this show anymore. What else is on Tuesdays and Wednesdays at 7?

March 3, 2009 - Someday I’ll pay the bills with this guitar

2009-03-03T18:59:00.000-08:00

The Brother - "What if I got pregnant when I was 16?"

Me - "I'd be concerned that you had a uterus."

The Brother - "No, I mean what if I got someone pregnant."

Me - "That's not what you said."

The Brother - "You know what I meant."

Me - "But that's not what you said!"

The Brother - "You know what I meant!"

Me - "I'm gonna write this down!"

THIS is American Idol

*dances to theme*

The Brother would like me to inform you that he’s “very very very excited” about Nathaniel and he’ll be voting for two hours after the show and everyone else should vote for only Nathaniel and no one else. I do not endorse this opinion, I am just the messenger.

Everybody’s wearing what they usually wear tonight and hot seeing eye guy is back!! We don’t want Scott falling down those winding stairs. DannyGokey, sure. Scott, no.

Von Smith is first and I can’t remember if I developed an opinion on him during the Hollywood rounds or not. He’s singing a song I do not know which is way too low for him. It goes on forever and I kind of feel like I’m watching a performance at a junior high summer camp or something. But maybe I went to some high scale summer camp, because the judges thought he was awesome. Hmmm. The judges are like pissing themselves over how great they think he is, but I just want to turn away and open my bag of Dill Pickle chips. They compare him to Clay, but I don’t see it. I hope Ryan didn’t hear it though or he might try to rape him.

Taylor is 17 and she’s from Utah. She kind of looks like David Archuleta if he was a girl. Actually, no. She looks like David Archuleta if he was a boy who then became a girl. Oh God, she’s singing Alicia Keys. She’s just lucky I’m too lazy to leave the room. This is like the worst rendition of ’If I Can’t Have You’ I’ve ever heard and I’ve heard a lot of renditions. Kara tells Taylor that she wants to know what it’s like to go shopping with her and she should have shown that through song. Paula uses the word “perplexed” and Simon needs the shopping thing cleared up cause he has people he pays to do shopping for him. He wants to know what kind of cereal she likes but she doesn’t answer because she’s too busy trying not to cry. Ryan’s all like “Why are you crying?” and she lies that they are tears of joy. As are mine, Taylor. As are mine. Then Ryan and Simon argue over each other’s pants.

Alex is so nervous and geeky hanging out on the red couch with Ryan and then they make jokes about spotting each other at the gym. I’d date him. I would. OMG… he’s singing a song I love!! I WOULD DATE HIM! He’s practically an ultrasound, but he’s legal. He’s Singing ‘I guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues’, which is on my list of favorite songs of all times. I can’t tell if he’s sucking or not. It’s very possible that this is atrocious, but it could also be beautiful. I don’t know. But Paula calls it “entertaining” which mean it probably was god awful vocally. Simon didn’t like it, of course. Alex looks very sad, like he might cry. He clutches Ryan’s hand. I wish I could marry them in some weird non-sexual three way wedding. Kind of like the one I wanted to have with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, only this wedding will eventually become dirty. I’m just sayin’.

Arianna is singing ‘The Winner Takes It All’. Simon calls it “too big” and “dreary”. Simon’s all like, “I liked you before, but not anymore, now get off the stage.” I’m paraphrasing, but you know what I mean. The judges all used to think she was cute as a button but not anymore. Kara says this. And then she encourages Arianna to “touch people”. I think we’ve had enough trouble with contestants touching others, Kara. I know you’re new here, but get with the program.

The Brother - “What was her name again?”

Me - “Arianna… Oh God, you’re not gonna vote for her are you?”

The Brother - “No I’m telling others too. I don’t have time for this.”

Ju’ Not is singing something by Plain White Tees and this can only turn out ugly. He’s actually making it pretty, but I hate that Delilah song. He looks like Grizz or Dot Com from 30 Rock. The judges love it.

Nathaniel still has baby cheeks. Ryan is sitting on the couch with him and Kristen and asks why they couldn’t get along in Hollywood and they call out the other chick who was in their group. Kristen’s all phony about how things are cool between her and Nathaniel. Then I miss her performance because of this:

Me - “Someone just said, “god, i forget that nathaniel is on this show and then he shows up like a flaming seagull!”

The Brother - “That’s not funny!! How could you forget about Nathaniel!”

Kristen calls Kara “Ma’am” and then Kara lies that her hair looks better. Then they’re all like, “Sing Kelly Clarkson songs!!” and I’m like, “God! How dare they?!!” The judges all feel like they don’t know her anymore and she looks like she wants to curse them out but can’t because she knows Ryan Seacrest will destroy her.

I wish someone would just give Nathaniel a little bit of love. He needs some sort of constant in his life and that’s why he clings to music so. Or at least that’s my non-professional psychological evaluation of Nathaniel. He’s singing ‘I Would Do Anything For Love’. I’ve been waiting all my life for someone to sing this song on Idol!! Actually, my dream was for Kelly and Clay to do this as a duet on tour, but noooo, they had to do ‘Open Arms‘. Anyway, this is pretty good.

Kauly Jo: oh god. i almost threw up in my mouth

Kauly Jo: i thought his tattoo was chest hair

Kauly Jo: i'm still gagging

roarimaraptor: now you know how i feel when i see kim caldwell!!

roarimaraptor: you laughed at me then!

Simon calls it “uncomfortable” because he’s all weird about the gays. But then he calls him fun. Nathaniel picked this song because him and his mom used to sing it before she got herself carted off to prison and let her son be bounced from family member to family member. Ryan runs out into the audience to hold Nathaniel’s grandma’s hand and harass her a little bit. Then Paula stumbles over the word “meatloaf”.

Ryan drags Nathaniel over to Simon and tries to get them to make out, but Simon only has lips for Ryan,s o instead he gives Simon his headband. Then Paula molests Nathaniel.

Felicia Barton is the girl who was cut and then brought back because Joanna Paciti was cut. And by the way the other day I was shuffling my play list and a song by Joanna came on. I know, right? Anyway, Felicia is singing ‘No One’ by Alicia Keys. I kind of like this song and I’m not an Alicia Keys fan. I’m not a Felicia fan either, but she’s pretty good… wait… she kind of looks like Caldwell in a black wig! Down with Felicia! But she doesn’t make me twitch and itch when she looks into the camera, so I guess it’s okay. She seems down to earth and I like that.

SCOTT! The moment I’ve been waiting for since this season started! I hope Ryan tries to high five him again. Scott's hair is still a hot ass mess. Maybe someone should do something about that. There is so much I want to do, but only so much I can do. He’s singing ‘Mandolin Rain’. I want him to get into the top 12 so he can DESTROY DannyGokey!

Kauly Jo: the sad part is he has better audience interaction than a lot of these people, and he can't even see them

roarimaraptor: i was thinking the same thing

The judges all dance around his blindness instead of just coming right out and saying that his ass is blind. Everybody already knows!! Unless they’re blind themselves, you can tell just by looking at him. Randy gives him props, Kara claims that he moves mountains, Paula says something about something, and Simon calls him the only one he’ll remember from tonight. Him and Ryan get all touchy feely and then Scott insists they high five. Awesome. I love him. I want to marry Scott. If I have to, I could trick him by having him sign a wedding paper by telling him it’s something else. “Please sign this and we will have a brand new piano delivered to your home… SIKE! Now we’re married!! WHOOO!”

Back from commercial, Ryan is in Randy’s seat and Randy starts acting drunk. Then Kara starts acting goofy and we got to Kendall’s video package. Kendall’s wearing a scrunchie as a dress since she’s the size of a small to medium sized pony-tail. She’s singing ‘This One’s For The Girls’. Why do all the girls suck tonight? The judges are like, “Meh, you’re cute.” She’s the size of Ryan’s arm, which never ever happens to him.

Jorge is singing ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me’. Okay, guys, this is the last time I’m going to say this. This song GOT CLAY AIKEN INTO THE COMPETITION. Don’t sing it if you can’t blow him out of the water. Cause even if you’re awesome, you’re not, because Clay rocked this song forever and you can‘t be better than that. Paula praises him all over and Simon’s like, “You heart him, don’t you?” The judges are all over because they didn’t get the Clay memo I just now sent out. They’re like rolling over about how awesome he was, but I didn’t see it. Jorge cries like crazy and speaks crazy in Spanish.

Kauly Jo: Damn it! Tiny Boobs got pimp spot

Kauly Jo: lil rounds sounds like a euphemism for tiny boobs to me

Lil Rounds is a ridiculous name and I want to not vote for her just for that. Not that I planned on voting anyway, but you know what I mean. She’s wearing what looks like a giant, yellow envelope as a shirt. This is boring. She’s the best vocally, of course, but it’s like… so what? Simon calls her brilliant, but it’s like… so what? Randy says has “unbelievable vocals”, but it’s like… so what? Kara calls her a powerhouse, but it’s like… so what? Paula loves her, but it’s like… so what?

My guess for tomorrow are Scott and Lil Rounds, even though that’s a totally stupid name. I don’t know about the third person. I’d kind of like to see Nate get in, but only because I saw a you tube video of him singing ‘Bleeding Love’ and it was awesome. Also, because I can’t remember anybody else from tonight. I’d say Alex but I don’t think he can get his shit together enough to last in the top 12.

February 26, 2009 - What. Have. You. Done.

2009-02-26T18:03:00.000-08:00

I’m not supposed to be recapping on Thursday nights. My equilibrium is all thrown off! Damn you, Obama!!

The contestants are lined up in two rows along the stage and Ryan walks in between. You know he totally wants to stop and play London Bridges. He says, “What. Have. You. Done.” and stares straight at Nick. Him and the judges talk about something or other and I just don’t listen because ... I don't know why.

Remember when Matt was a welder and the other Matt dueled with pianos? And then people screamed and acted like idiots and Kai went to Hollywood and Adam is all pale and washed out and gets told he could be a winner? Remember there were a bunch of girls we don’t remember in Hollywood? And also, Nick Mitchell? It’s okay if you don’t, cause they show a montage that goes on forever.

The medley tonight is a Ne-yo song. Adam is David Cook levels of hot, Matt G. looks like someone I know but don’t know, Nick keeps his wonderful craziness reined in, and the girls are just sort of there. The whole song is basically sung by Adam and Matt G. so I guess we know who’s getting into the top 12. Nice way to be subtle, Idol. Nice. Although, this is actually NOT complete ass. Medleys were beautiful wonderful dreams during season 2, but after that they were the scariest things ever. I don’t know what to do with a medley that doesn’t completely suck.

Remember how Ryan looked like a little high school student, but still I wanted to do him? Remember how Simon was a sassy pants? Remember when Matt was a welder? Remember how we never found out what happens to the broken hearted? Remember how Nick was just messing around but was still better than like 83% of the contestants last night? And yeah I totally did the math to get that number. Wanna make something of it?

Remember that time I asked you if you wanted to make some of it? Remember how Jasmine refuse to write us a love song. Remember how I was driving home from work today listening to ‘Love Song’ and thinking about how if it was sung by a guy I’d be all like, “What an ass! Why doesn’t that guy just tell her he loves her. Jerk!” but since it’s sung by a girl I’m all like, “That guy sounds clingy and needy! How annoying!! I don‘t blame her for not loving him!”? Remember how Kelly Montana wanted to get us alone? Remember how Adam Lambert was so awesome my head exploded?

The Sister-in-law - “I like the one with the eyes.”

The Brother - “Which one with the eyes?”

The Sister-in-law - “The one with the eyes!!”

The Brother - “Which one! They all have eyes!”

The Sister-in-law - *points to Adam* “That one!”

I’m pretty sure I can see Ryan’s reflection in Matt The Welder’s bald head. They talk to Matt for like an hour and then ask somebody how hard song selection is and she says it’s sooooo hard. But ya know what? It’s not, really. I’m not even on this show and I’d make kick ass choices. All it takes is a little common sense and maybe asking Adam Lambert his opinion.

Alexis, Michael, and fucking DannyGokey are sitting in their drinking fountain stool standing behind three empty drinking fountain stools. And in case you were wondering, yes, DannyGokey is still wearing those glasses. You know what glasses I’m talking about.

roarimaraptor: omg!! what if i fall in love with danny gokey?

roarimaraptor: patti gokey would be the WORST NAME EVER

SweetyPi9897: omg it would be

SweetyPi9897: hahaha i could see you doing that though

roarimaraptor: and then i would probably die and he'd go on like celebrity apprentice or something and show pictures of us everyday

SweetyPi9897: hahahhahahahaahahahahahahahahha

SweetyPi9897: probably

roarimaraptor: i will never forgive myself if i love him

roarimaraptor: i will disown myself

SweetyPi9897: i'll disown you too

Kelly Montana is called to the stage first and then the same girl who thinks she knows something about song choices. Next brought down is Matt The Welder…. And Kelly Montana is in the top 12. She does another kick ass performance of ‘Alone’ and then we go to commercial.

Kris and Megan are brought to the stage together. I’m ignoring Megan’s tattoo, because I refuse to acknowledge the tattoo. Acknowledging it gives it power. And who knows what an evil tattoo would do with power. Kris is hot though. Wow. I like that looking at him shows us what Archie would look like if it were possible for him to ever grow into a man. Kris and Megan are pushed to the side and Matt G. and some girl who’s name I don’t know come to the stage. Ryan calls her “dude”, but I don’t think that’s her name. It doesn’t matter cause she’s out. Then Matt is out. Wait, what? This is wrong. This is so wrong! But Kris is hot. Simon crosses his arms and gets upset, but I don’t understand why because he didn’t really like any of them anyway. Kara talks for so long that Simon tells her to “take her time” and then they argue and then Ryan tells them both to shut up because he’s got results to deliver.

Megan and her tattoo is out. And Grown Archie is in the top 12. I miss Matt already, but Kris is beauty. And then he sings about the man in the mirror. But the thing is? HE’S the man in the mirror. That’s what this song is about.

Back from commercial, Ryan sits in the third drinking fountain stool which gives us a glimpse of what the top 12 would like if Ryan Seacrest was in it. And it is beautiful.

We are treated to Beautiful Clay, Simon and Paula kissing, Brokeback cowboys, people being stupid at auditions, dumb guy throwing water on Simon and staining his shirt. Geeky guy on stage, David Hasselhoff, Brittenums, that effin’ crying Sanjaya girl, Kellie Pickler, William Hung, Elliot’s Mom, crying Fantasia, crying Jordin Sparks, crying Carrie Underwood, crying Kelly Clarkson, crying David Cook, and sweaty Ruben Studdard.

The Mother - “Was that Kelly Clarkson?”

The Brother - “Pickler!”

Me - “How dare you mix the two up!!”

OMG! Brooke White is here!! I hope she messes up, stops, and starts over. She advises us never to google ourselves. Well, she advises the contestants that. If I google myself, I get pages that belong to people that aren’t even me. But if I google “Patti Seacrest”, I get a page that says “Ryan Seacrest called police over fears he has a stalker.” HAHAHA!! That is so awesome.

Anyway, back to Brooke. She’s singing a new song of hers and I love it. I love this Brooke!! She’s wearing giant hoop earrings prompting The Brother to say, “You know what they about hoops? The bigger the hoops, the bigger the ho.”

I totally forgot we were doing a results show. Ryan calls the remaining 5 contestants to the stage and has them line up and I wonder why we’re even bothering pretending it’s not Adam. Ryan walks past Nick without even looking at. Nick’s all like, “Hey.” but Ryan goes to the end of the line to Jasmine. Then everybody but Nick and Adam are out.

I think Nick and Adam should make out. Like a make out session to the death and whoever is left standing is in the top 12. This doesn’t happen, but as we go to commercial break, I’m almost positive the two of them and Ryan make out. And then after Ryan announces Adam is in the top 12, they all make out again. But still, Adam cannot get no satisfaction. I want to have his gay, gay babies. He’s so good it’s like this is the finale or something. It’s so weird. I almost feel it’s been a whole season already.

Next week, a bunch of people we’ve never heard of, plus Nathaniel and Scott.

The Brother - “I wanna see the blind guy.”

The Sister-in-law - “Who’s the blind guy?”

Me -“That guy. The one who’s dancing like he’s blind.”

February 25, 2009 - Nick, Adam, and some other people sing

2009-02-25T19:00:00.000-08:00

Apparently everybody I know in the world is mad at me because last week my Facebook status was "I am so over Danny Gokey". Well, let me tell you why. He's got a bit of an "I'm better than you" attitude, topped with some douche sauce, and served with a side order of Dead Wife. I flinch every time I mention her in that context because its an awful situation and loved ones dying is like my biggest fear ever. If you even brought up the conversation, I'd stick my fingers in my ears and yell "LA LA LA!" Until you went away. But in this case, the feeling passes quickly. Even when I loved him during his audition, his "dead wife" speech was totally overly dramatic and maybe even a bit rehearsed. I overlooked it because he was cute and his voice was a cross between Fergie and Jesus. But then he rolled his eyes at Ryan and you don't disrespect The Seacrest in front of me and get away with it. Ask Brad and Angelina if I'll even babysit for them anymore. They will tell you no. I will not Also, if he wasn't in the top 12 then maybe Ricky Braddy would be. But he's not and I'm still sad about it. And also, I heard some shady things about Danny's church but I didn't care enough to remember them nor to further investigate.

But we are not about Danny Gokey tonight. We are about Adam, Nick, and Matt and the pain I feel knowing all three of them can't make it into the top 12 this week unless Adam performs as a girl.

And omg, Ryan is hot tonight. He’s wearing a brown polo, a watch (so he knows when to meet me for our after-Idol date), and jeans. I suppose he’s wearing shoes, because going barefoot and getting his feet dirty is not how Ryan rolls, but my eyes never make it that far.

Ryan asks Kara what the contestants have to do to stick around this week and she says they have to “bring it” and Ryan makes a face like suddenly everything is clear to him, even though Randy’s been saying the same thing every year. But I guess things sound different when it’s coming from a person who’s sitting next to Paula’s giant cleavage. I hope Alexis doesn’t wander too close to them and fall in.

Someone named Jasmine Murray is first. She’s singing ‘Love Song’ and it‘s bad from the get go. She isn’t singing it with the right kind of attitude. The song is about how a guy is saying he wants to hear how much this girl loves him but she doesn’t love him, so she’s not going to say it and she‘s definitely not going to say it just to make him leave. It’s not the mindset Jasmine is singing with. It doesn’t matter anyway, cause she’s not making it into the top 12. Randy calls it pitchy. Jasmine and Paula don’t like it. Simon says the same thing and then everybody boos him.

blozor636: Well thank goodness the first performer set the bar low.

Matt Giraurd, my future husband, is up next. It would be awesome if he sang ‘Love Song’ too, but he’s not, he’s singing ‘Viva La Vida’. I don’t think this was a great song choice. He’s pitchy all over the place. He didn’t blow Kara away, she says, and Paula talks about his instrument. Simon calls it “horrible” and Randy’s wearing a stupid sweater. Matt looks like he might cry and Ryan rushes to his defense because he‘s taken in by the dimples too. If the singing thing doesn’t work out, he can always just stand around and look pretty.

Next up is some girl we’ll probably never hear from again, so I don’t have much to say about her. She’s singing a Maroon 5 and dear Lord, I thought they had mentors! Did they get lost on the way to the studio this week? I am now tuning this out. Ryan and Randy compliment her on her legs. She loses what little respect of her I didn’t even have by practically begging the judges to lie and say the performance was better than it was. Then she puts her hand all up on Ryan’s chest and I fear anger boil in my chest like a beast.

As we go to commercial break, my future husband, Nick, does the Dr. Evil finger. Then Seacrest calls him “provocative” and I don’t think he really even knows what that word means. He’s singing the same song he’s been singing all season, “I Am Telling You’, laying on the floor in a white dress coat over the Norman outfit. He rips his coat off and this is the best performance ever, minus all the Cook/Clarkson/Aiken performances and that one time Constantine was awesome. It was goofy but absolutely wonderful. Simon prays he doesn’t go through to the next round and upsets Nick’s parents. He calls it “horrific comedy” and Nick calls Simon “sassy pants”. The rest of the judges love him, so I send them invitations to our wedding. But then Simon accuses Ryan of having gay love for Nick and Ryan says he feels the gay love between Nick and Simon. And then Paula gets drunk on all the gay love floating in the air and rambles something and makes some noise.

Allison is 16 and looks like she’s 34. She looks older than Ryan. He looks like a little boy on a field trip tonight. Her hair is crazy pink and when she talks, it’s kind of like if Paula and Kara had a baby and somehow taught it to talk. And then it went on American Idol and sang ‘Alone’. And on stage, she looks and sounds like Kelly Clarkson and Hannah Montana had a baby. Carrie Underwood might have sang it better, but this is still good. The judges love her and call her the best of the night. Her singing is good, she just shouldn’t be allowed to talk. Her and Ryan are almost the exact same size. I bet they could share shoes.

Kris Allen looks like a grown up version of Archie, but I don’t approve of that name being spelled with a K. He’s singing ‘Man In the Mirror’. It’s good. I don’t think he’s particularly memorable and I think he’ll fall to the same end as Ricky Braddy, where nobody remembers him because he didn’t get any screen time because of Tatiana and Nathaniel’s antics, but it was good. Paula uses the word “nailed” a bunch of time to describe him. Then she kisses Simon because he agrees with her that Kris was good. Then Simon mentions effin’ Danny Gokey and my head explodes. Also, Kris is even shorter than Ryan and that’s always funny because Ryan is nothing if not miniscule.

Next up is a girl with a full arm tattoo named Megan. Her voice is annoying and I had enough nightmares from Carly’s arm tattoo last year, I don’t need this! And if she has a husband with a tattoo on his face, I am so done. She’s singing ‘Put Your Records On’. I don’t know how I feel about this. I am unable to form an opinion. Paula likes her though and then Simon checks out Paula’s cleavage. Paula says she reminds her of Nelly Furtado, but I don’t know what to do with that information because I used to think Nelly Furtado and Nelly were the same person and I never bothered finding out any information about this Furtado. Ryan tries dancing and the judges tell him to stop and he threatens to do the ‘Cold Hearted Snake’ dance. This I’d like to see, because it was a pretty hot dance involving see thru clothing and some straddling.

Matt Breitzke, as you might recall, is a welder. He is singing ’The Way She Loves Me’ because he loves his wife and son. The judges didn’t really like. His voice was good, but it was a bad song choice. Ryan is the size of Matt’s arm. Like Matt could use Ryan’s body as a mustache comb. That is so weird.

Next is a single mom who’s name I did not catch. I am so over single moms.

Kauly Jo: ANOTHER single mom??

Kauly Jo: Idol just needs to start a daycare

She’s singing ‘Betty David Eyes’. Me and the judges all thought it was just “ok”.

Next up is Kai and he’s singing that “happiness is just an illusion” song. I love this song. He’s kind of a train wreck from the neck up, especially when he’s singing, but his voice is beauty. I got bored when the judges started talking and wandered off to you tube the new New Kids On The Block video for ‘2 In The Morning’. I want to wake up at 2 in the morning some day and just sing this song. Maybe I’ll sing it to my Seacrest poster. And yes, I have a Seacrest poster. I got it from his radio station. I wonder if they have new ones. But I’m afraid to ask.

Kai just tried to rape me with his face. HIS FACE!

Ew, Mishavonna is singing ‘Drops Of Jupiter’. I don’t know why I say ew. I like this song, I just don’t like when people sing it. And not because it’s a song I love so much I don’t want others touching it, I just don’t like the removal of the comforting voice of the lead singer of Train. I guess. I don’t know. I’m weird somehow. Also, she has a weird nose that I could see possibly giving me nightmares. Although, vocally she’s not bad. Better than most of the contestants tonight. Paula didn’t like it though. Simon feels cold and then the judges debate exactly what a drop of Jupiter is.

Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like Adam Lambert? I mean, really.. Don’t cha? He’s singing ‘Satisfaction’. Okay, see, this is what is supposed to be on this show. Instead of having someone awesome and a bunch of people who suck ass, there needs to be ALL AWESOME people. Can you imagine how fantastic this show would be if they could actually present us with more than 2 or 3 people out of 24 or 36 who can actually put on a good performance? But maybe if it was that fantastic, everybody’s heads would explode. That must be the reasoning. Anyway, he was awesome and Randy calls him DA BOMB.

So tomorrow I hope to see Adam, Nick, and the Kelly/Cyrus clone make it into the top 12. But Idol likes to break hearts and squash dreams.

February 18, 2009 - She wrote me a letter

2009-02-18T18:04:00.000-08:00

Tonight, Ryan is wearing my favorite combination of suit and jeans. And it’s wonderful. THIS… is American Idol.

This theme song always makes me want to get up and dance. Even this creepy version. If I don’t watch, I don’t have to know it’s creepy. And then I can dance, dance, dance. But if I look at the screen? I know I’ll never dance again.

There were 24 million votes last night, only five of which were for Stevie Wright. I’m sorry, I’m just saying what’s true. Nothing against Stevie. Or maybe it’s the Carlson girl I’m thinking of. Yeah, it’s her. She’s the one.

Just a side note: Paula’s boobs are huge tonight. Also, Kara has always looked strangely familiar to me. Like maybe I went to high school with her. You know, if I was 40. She probably would have been one of those girls who made fun of me.

Ryan makes some innuendo joke about what happened between the judges after the show. Idol Judge Orgy or something, which you know Ryan would totally host. When Randy reprimands him for being dirty during a family show, he says he just meant dinner. They ate dinner together, nothing else.

Remember when Alexis had a baby and Michael worked on an oil rig? Remember when Tatiana was annoying and I wanted to kill her and myself all at once? Remember when Anoop had eyebrows that were huge? Well, if you don’t, we have a montage to remind you.

OMG, a medley!! I love medleys! Finally, Ryan has been reading my love letters and trying to make my dreams come true… except it’s a song I hate. It’s ’I’m Yours’. Vocally it’s alright, - though all the girls look exactly the same and Alexis’ outfit is a train wreck - but forgettable.

Remember when Jackie wore pants that gave me nightmares? Remember when Ricky Braddy and I were picking out engagement rings? Remember when Stevie looked like Angela from Bones? Remember when Stephen wanted to rock with us, but we just wanted him to forget the words and walk off stage again? Remember when that one guy was forgettable? I forget his name. Remember when Tatiana was saving all her love for me and I stuck my face in a pencil sharpener? Remember when Anoop channeled Monica and it was kind of weird for him to do that but I didn’t remark on it at the time? Remember when Nikki McKibbon changed her name to Alexis and sang on this show and she was compared to Kelly Clarkson and Kelly Clarkson’s head exploded? And remember when a hero lied in Danny’s dead wife? I’d feel bad saying that, but he’s beating it like a dead horse anyway, so I don’t.

Anoop starts to talk about how nervous he is, but his eyebrows grow massively out of control and smother his face. Then he dies and Danny sings a song about it. Tatiana talks about how humbled she is to be here and I think she’s just been watching old videos of David Cook and copying what he said. She has to learn every aspect of human behavior. Like autistic people do.

Ryan calls Casey to the stage. I don’t know about her cleavage. Cleavage on that level disturbs me. What also disturbs me is that the audience “awwwws” when Ryan tells her she is not in the top 12. He calls Stephen up next. They do a Black Guy Handshake and then the judges talk about how he wasn’t very good last night. He glares at Kara when she mentions how he forgot the lyrics that one time. He is not in the top 12.

Alexis is next, wearing a stupid hat. Her dad looks like a blonde Ozzy Osbourne. I hope he doesn’t grab Ryan in his giant clutches and bite his head off. And then suddenly, Alexis is in the top 12. For some reason, she sings her song again. At least it’s better than hearing Casey sing again, I guess.

blozor636: They're just trying to bring out the crazy in Tatiana.

blozor636: I swear to god they'll find everyone's butchered bodies and her covered in blood, huffing and holding a knife.

blozor636: Giggling hysterically and crying.

Ryan calls Ricky and Jackie to the stage. I like this Ricky. I know I said it yesterday, but I’m saying it again. I like this Ricky. But America does not. He is not in the top 12! I am done with you Idol! DONE!!

Okay, I’m back. I ate a Kit Kat to even out my blood sugar. I’m still not happy though.

Anoop and Michael are brought out. They have their arms around each other, which I like. Not in a gay love, kind of way, just because I like when these people can get along and support each other.

Another side note: Michael’s mom and wife look like sisters. But he’s from the south, so it’s likely.

And then, Michael is in the top 12. Then he sings about how he doesn’t want to be anything other than what he’s been trying to be lately. Which is a contestant on American Idol. He’s like 8 miles better tonight than he was yesterday. Even the back up singers are better than yesterday. Maybe they should do this show backwards. Eliminations on Tuesday, performances on Wednesday.

I miss Ricky already. Even though I suspect he’d miss me more if I were a dude. You know where I’m going with that.

OMG, David Cook and Kelly Clarkson in the same picture!! And then David Cook and Carrie Underwood sing a duet. This footage of the American Idol Experience Disney World thing is better than this episode has been. So much magic can happen sometimes with this show, and sometimes… you get tonight’s episode. Also, last night’s.

I blinked and Carly Smithson and Michael Johns are on stage and my brain freaked out because I thought I had traveled back in time. Michael is wearing a weird suit and something about Carly lost her hair on the flight. Whatever. I don’t know why she’s here. But Michael has a single coming out next week which I will surely illegally download. Whooo! They’re singing ‘The Letter’. I was wondering how they were going to fill this hour. I hoped it might be Seacrest stripping, but this is just as good. I mean, not just as good, but it’ll do. You should all know that I met Michael Johns in Chicago last year and humidity does magical things to his hair. And by “met”, I mean, we took a picture in which we are both making funny faces.

Ann Maries stands up. Brent stands up. Stevie stands up. They are all out. Which means it’s down to Tatiana and Danny. Tatiana looks like she might vomit and/or morph into a werewolf and destroy everyone. Danny’s wearing some ridiculous glasses. I can’t really describe them. They’re like a hybrid of 3D glasses and painters glasses. So I guess I can describe them.

Tatiana and Danny are standing like seven feet apart. She looks like she might fall apart at any second. Then she’s out and Danny is in. Ryan’s the only one who tries to comfort Tatiana when she gets cut. She’s not really having it though. A few girls half heartedly try to hug her, but they quickly try to get as far away as possible.

Kauly Jo: i want her to rip off danny's glasses like sandra bullock rips off miss rhode island's tiara in Miss Congeniality.

Next week: Matt, Adam, Nick (!) and a bunch of people I couldn’t care less about. This saddens me, because those three are my favorite and all three can’t make it into the top 12 unless Adam performs as a girl. I refuse to watch next week, Idol! I refuse!!

So, I guess I’ll see you guys next week.

February 17, 2009 - all this aggravation ain’t satisfactioning me

2009-02-17T19:00:00.000-08:00

It should be dually noted that I moved in with my brother this weekend and since my new home is a mad house, I am watching Idol from a chilly garage. What kind of a pre-wife would I be for Seacrest if I didn’t suffer like this for him? But enough about that. THIS is American Idol. Ryan walks down the stairs, past the contestants, looking seven different kinds of delicious. Maybe even more than seven, but I can’t count with the sudden distractedness of the crazy opening theme. The “being sucked into a vortex” is even stronger with this one than it was last year.

I kind of like Kara now, but she still acts semi-obnoxious as Ryan introduces the judges. Somebody gives somebody bunny ears, because we are in pre school. Simon’s hair has been cut, Ryan’s hair has thickened, and Paula has darker skin than ever. On second thought, everybody has darker skin. Did they all go tanning before the show? Did Ryan take them all to his favorite salon? Simon accuses Ryan of copying his hair like in “Single White Female”.

Jackie is up first. I like her, she’s funny. She’s singing ’A Little Less Conversation’. She’s jazzed it up which is just kind of annoying. But she’s one of the only girls I can stand so far, so it’s ok. Randy calls her a good entertainer. Kara’s all like, “Girl!! Oh my god, Girl! Girl!!” I think she forgot she’s white. Paula mutters something about something and Simon tells her she sucked and nobody will like her and blew it all.

Back in the red room, Jackie calls Ryan “dude”. and then “man”. She’s totally hippy.

I have never seen this Ricky Braddy. My eyes like. My ears also like his speaking voice. Which is echoing weirdly in the studio. Ryan looks a little itchy about it. But he hasn’t gotten the show in on time in over a year, so he has no place to talk about things not going right. He’s singing a pretty love song that I do not know. I think I’m in love. He looks like if David Cook and David Cook’s younger brother had a baby together and it had eyelashes that went on forever. And wore an ugly velvet coat. Randy calls him “the start of season 8”, but he said basically the same thing about Jackie and I bet he’ll say the same thing to everybody else tonight. Kara talks so loud into her mic that we get icky feedback. Then I swear I see tears on her face. But I do not mock, because Ricky is capable of causing tears. Simon thought it was good but says doesn’t have the charisma or confidence to win.

Back in the red room, Ricky’s parents are named Ricky and Vickie. They’re wearing shirts that say “The Braddy Bunch”. Oh God. They’ve almost ruined him for me…but they’re kind of cute. His whole family is cute. I bet he has an adorable little sister.

Alexis reminds me of that skanky girl from season 1 who had a kid. Nikki McKibbon? Is that a name? I don’t know. You know who I’m talking about. The stripper. Except Alexis can sing much better. Everything is so jazzy tonight. It’s annoying. Randy has seven heart attacks, Kara makes a genie coming out of a bottle joke, Paula call her young and tender even though she’s four years older than the last 2 winners before David Cook. Then she cries about how something large is inside Alexis and things get real quiet and awkward in the studio. Simon calls her the best so far. Yawn. Simon compares her to Kelly Clarkson and I stab her, cause you just don’t go there!

Everything in the studio gets screwy and they mess up Brent Keith’s video, so Ryan walks him down the stage to waste time before they can fix things. Then they play his video, which highlights Kara and Simon having a lover’s quarrel. He’s singing a song called ‘Hick Town’. I like country music, but even I don’t like this. Simon will hate it. It’s not bad, it’s just boring. Even my foot fell asleep. Paula’s wearing giant stars everywhere. That’s all I really got out of this portion of the show. I’m not even sure what the judges said cause all I saw were giant stars.

Stevie Wright is up next. She’s the girl who looks like Angela from Bones. I kind of like the song she‘s singing but vocally she sucks ass. When I look at her, all I can see is Angela from Bones and I think about how her and Hodgins broke up and then she went lesbian. Randy calls it “not hot” and “safe” . Kara says she has an identity crisis. What if she said, “I’ll show you an identity crisis!” and then unzips her face and Taylor Swift steps out? That’d be awesome. Paula and Simon both tell her she sucked ass. And that she never should have dumped Hodgins for a chick.

Anoop Desai is up next. Or Anoopey if you’re Simon. He’s singing ‘Angel Of Mine’. Boring. But Paula stands up and cheers. Randy says “dawg” and “what” and “mad love” a million times. Then he calls him sharp. Kara gets all Paula and says , “It’s a hard song to sing that song.” but nobody really notices. But that’s what I’m here for. Paula lies to Anoop that America has already connected to him. How does she know that? She doesn’t know that. Don’t lie to him. Then she calls him Anoop Dog and I vomit on my laptop.

Back in the red room, Ryan looks hypnotized by Anoop’s giant eyebrows. And speaking of giant, Ryan’s feet look huge today.

Casey Carlson is up next. Didn’t we see her already tonight? Hmmm. I guess not. She’s singing ‘Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic’. I don’t particularly approve of regenderizing songs to suit you… especially when you’re mucking it up vocally anyway. Even Constantine sang this song better and he was killed by Nickelback. She’s wearing Amy Winehouse’s hair which makes this all the more worse.

blozor636: Those background singers are letting out the moans of this song's death.

Randy calls it “weird” and “karaoke”, Kara says everybody about it was wrong and then her and Randy sing about it, Paula says it didn’t work, and Simon calls it “Atrocious” . Ryan looks so tiny surrounded by all the people back in the red room. Casey’s mom tells her how proud she is of her and Casey’s all, “God, mom, embarrassing!”

Ryan calls Michael Sarver his twin, and a good laugh is had by all. He’s singing ‘I Don’t Wanna Be’. I feel like I’m in a time machine. I don’t know why, but that’s the feeling I’m getting tonight. Maybe it’s because of this whole reverting back to the way seasons 1 thru 3 were done. Maybe it’s Michael’s shirt. The judges thought it was just sort of okay. Ryan compliments Michael’s wife on her pretty shirt and then they talk about clothes for a little while until they remember that Michael is there and that they need to give out the number. Ryan’s like the size of one of Michael’s fingers. Maybe the middle one.

Ann Marie is singing ‘Natural Woman’. I remember when Kelly Clarkson sang this and it was magical. The only thing magical about this now is that Ann Marie’s dress is someone holding itself up with nothing but her cleavage to hold on to. The judges rip on her song choice and then a lot of nonsense is said for a long time, until Simon finally speaks English and tells her the song was just too big for her.

I missed what happened in the red room because I was IMed this:

blozor636: I think Nick Mitchell should come out sometime and perform "Opposites Attract."

Best. Performance. Ever. I can guarantee it now.

Stephen Fowler promises not to forget the words this time. It’d be so funny if he forgot the words again. I have no interest in this guy, so I hope he does. It’ll be fun! He’s singing ‘I Wanna Rock With You’. He doesn’t forget the words, but he doesn’t really entertain either. I’m gonna go make some mac and cheese.

It’s actually mac and cheese wheels.

You know how some mathematicians have lost their minds trying to figure out Pi? That’s me with Tatiana. The square root of her craziness divided by my patience squared equals my head exploding. That’s real math.

She’s singing ‘Saving All My Love For You’. It’s very good, but all I can see when I look at her are flashes of crazy. And the flashes of crazy give me hot flashes. And not the good ones that I get when I look at David Cook, but like the bad, early menopausal ones. Randy says like 80 words and only about 8 of them actually form a complete sentence. But that’s what happens when confronted with crazy who can sing. Kara says something crazy, and then Paula’s eyes get all crossed as she talks. I wonder if fumes of craziness are leaking out of her pores and floating through the air like carbon monoxide. Simon calls her a drama queen, desperate to be famous. Simon is always the wise one here. The judges encourage her to act crazy again and Ryan pulls out a gun and shoots them all. On her way into the red room, Tatiana kisses my new husband Ricky on the cheek. She talks crazy to Ryan and Ryan’s all like, “We don’t have time for this.” But in a nice way. Cause he is a nice boy.

But then she touches Ryan’s biceps and makes him extremely uncomfortable. Because either a) He’s afraid being crazy is transmitted by touch. Or b) Doesn’t want to be seen cheating on me. He is a nice boy.

Kauly Jo: ryan's got more affection from girls this year than any other season

Kauly Jo: usually he's just loved on by velvet teddy bears and their brothers

DANNY GOKEY!! I want to marry him too. He’s singing Mariah Carey’s ‘Hero’. I wonder if it’s really healthy for him to be thrown into this lifestyle so soon after losing his wife. Bad things happen if people don’t properly grieve. Watch Reign Over Me if you don’t believe me. This is so good we should have just sent the other 11 people home and then just let Danny sing songs for two hours. I’d vote for that. The judges argue over whether it was good or great. Ryan makes an “organ” joke, but then changes the subject before Simon can make it dirty.

My guesses for the top 3 are: Danny, Ricky, and either Alexis or… *gulps* Tatiana.

February 11, 2009 - When I grow up, I wanna have groupies.

2009-02-11T19:04:00.000-08:00

Something just occurred to me. Idol is going to be on for a few Thursdays this month... What will happen to Bones?! I used to think the world should revolve around Idol, but not anymore! I have never hated you, Idol, but I hate you now!

....I take back what I said earlier about Idol. I don't hate my beloved Idol and the world should revolve around it. I apologize. I was speaking out of extreme duress. I'm moving, I have an English paper I'm struggling to write, algebra is hard, and I suspect Clay Aiken still has a bad haircut. Also, David Cook's touring colleges and a lot of the ticket sales are students only and even if they're not, they're sold out and people are selling them for 75 bucks on Ebay. Its not right! But it’s okay. You know why? Cause THIS… is American Idol.

I always dance when the theme song comes on.

The contestants are all taken to The Judges Mansion, which is a large house with a yard that greatly resembles Ryan’s own yard. But the house is effin’ huge.

I should mention that Ryan looks DAMN good. He takes the walk of shame the contestants will take which starts from leads into a room where the judges are all sitting on chairs that are like the couch from The Big Comfy Couch, only they are chairs. If Ryan sat in one, you almost wouldn’t be able to see him.While I’m contemplating that, Anoop gets into the top 36. I totally missed it. It must have been uneventful.

Von Smith is next and nervous. He talks too much instead of just sitting there like a good little boy and wait to be told yay or nay. Von is in and he cries and then Ryan cuddles his crying mom. I love Ryan. I wish that every time I cried, he was there.

Cody is cool cause he’s an amateur horror film maker, which is rad. I’m afraid he might become a pretentious type though. The judges put him on the spot and make him sing. He chooses a song I do not know and does nervously with it. They bring Alex in and the surprise is that they’re having a sing off. Alex and Cody hug each other and cry and weep and hold each other and it’s quite sweet. Then Alex throws up while singing ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me’. Alex was marginally better but I like both.

Alex and Cody wait on a big comfy couch with Ryan and they all braid each other’s hair and talk about who will win the sing off and who won’t. Also, they talk about last week’s episode of Gilmore Girls. Then they’re called back into the judges room... And Cody is out. They walk out of the room with their arms around each other and I feel like crying. Then Alex cries and Cody cries and says he will vote for Alex. Then they make out and have gay sex for the first time on the stairs.

See, I like people who can get along and be friends and support each other. Alex obviously feels bad that Cody is leaving and Cody is being gracious about his loss. No need to be ass clowns.

Adam Lambert is called into the judges room like there’s a possibility he won’t make it into the top 36. Why don’t we just send him, Danny, and Scott out for pizza while we jerk everyone else around. See the thing about Adam is… you know he’s been in drag, right? But when he’s here, just dressed as himself, he still looks like he’s dressed in drag. It’s not an insult. In fact, it’s awesome. I’m just saying. That’s the vibe I get from Adam. That he’s a guy in drag as a guy and that doesn’t even make sense, but it totally works. I’d totally make out.

Simon’s all “It’s not good news… it’s GREAT news!”

This is really hard to recap, I must say. But that’s what these are for:

Kauly Jo: simon is such a tease. can you imagine what it would be like if it were possible for him to come home and tell you he was pregnant?

Kauly Jo: it would be like the best moment EVER

Kauly Jo: i'm going to start praying for pregnant men JUST for that reason

Taylor is someone we’ve never heard of. Or just don’t remember, because she’s not remember able. Except for sucking during Hollywood week, which we didn‘t even get to see at the time. But they’re showing it now and that’s what’s important.

She comes into The Judges Room and sits in the Jester’s Chair and talks about how she forgot the words in Hollywood. Hey, at least she’s owning up. Randy welcomes her into Season 8.

Then a bunch of other people we don’t remember and probably don’t care about are through.

Joanna Pacitti… she keeps wiping away the pre-emptive tears from her over mascara’d eyes. She talks about how there’s a “time for everything” and the judges jerk her around so that they can see her mascara smear and clump up all over her face so she’ll be so embarrassed when this finally airs. Which… would actually be right now.

‘What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted’ is one of my best songs ever. By best, I mean favorite, but best sounds like a Paula word, so in the spirit of this show, I’m going to use it.

Some people who may or may not have just shown up today are cut. Then some people who may or may not have just shown up today are through.

Two girls who I don’t remember, nor can I muster up any care for, have to sing off with each other. This is not as exciting as when those first two girls sang off. What were there names? Cody and Alex, right? Yeah. I don’t even care enough to pay attention.

One of the girls sings ‘I’m Not Ready To Make Nice’ and the other sang… something else. I don’t remember. Then they are sent out to The Couch. Ryan doesn’t join the two of them on The Couch this time, cause girls aren’t as fun as gay boys. Back in The Judges Room, Simon’s like “Do you want to keep the hot one or the one who’s not hot?” And Kara suggests they forego singing altogether and just get a bunch of models. Randy agrees before realizing she’s being sarcastic.

Either the hot girl or the not hot girl didn’t connect with her song. And the other one has an identity crisis. So I guess that’s the “not hot” one. They tell her she doesn’t dress right… this is so wrong. Let her dress the way she wants. Or let the stylists have their way at her. Quit picking on her. But she’s through to the top 36 anyway. Simon’s very vocally pissed about it. That’s kind of mean.

Alexis is the girl who I thought was raising a baby on her own because her husband was in the army, but t turned out he’s only her boyfriend and he’s just in military school. HAHAHAHAHA!! I have no sympathy for any of this nonsense. Call me cold hearted. She’s in.

Wouldn’t it be funny if Scott got lost on the way to The Judges Room and ended up in a room with like severed heads or something on the wall? Only, he wouldn’t even know it. But somebody would tell him and you know that shit would freak him out for years to come. Sitting in The Judges Chair, his hair is a bunch of different levels of crazy. His hair is the Nathaniel of hairs. He’s in and his mom cries and everybody‘s happy.

Lil Rounds annoys me. They jerk her around and then tell her she’s going through. Fine! Let her through! But she won’t win!! Ryan and Lil high five and then move in slow motion. Ryan is HOT in slow motion. I could watch hours of the Slow Motion Ryan Show.

Girl I Don’t Know A is out, Girl I Don’t Know B is out, and Girl I Don’t Know C is out. They should have just brought all three of them in and told them at once and saved us three minutes time.

roarimaraptor: i'm tired of all these people with babies

roarimaraptor: remember when the idols never had kids?

roarimaraptor: they were all YEARS from having kids

Kauly Jo: damn fantasia

roarimaraptor: the people from season 1 STILL don't have kids

Kauly Jo: not true

Kauly Jo: nikki mckibbin

roarimaraptor: she was a whore, that doesn't count

Kauly Jo: haha

Kauly Jo: and an alchy

roarimaraptor: and a stripper

Kauly Jo: and a coker

Kauly Jo: she gave Idol a bad name

Kauly Jo: she opened the doors for Corey Clark

Kauly Jo: the Brittenum twins

roarimaraptor: Scott Savol

While I was having that conversation, two girls had a sing off. One was cut, the other wasn’t. Simon was all, “You wouldn’t have won anyway.”

I hate this episode, it’s boring. Nothing but tears and Danny Gokey hugging everybody. That says a lot about him, I think. The fact that everybody has hugged him shows he probably a pretty decent guy. Do you see anybody hugging Tatiana? No. They don’t want to catch her crazy.

I’d be pissed if they made me walk all those stairs just to tell me I was going home anyway. A-holes.

I can’t get over how fascinating Ryan looks tonight.

Danny is called into The Judges Room. He looks like he might throw up. He modestly admits he did the best he could, but knows there’s always room for improvement. I love him. I mean, he can’t compete with my Seacrest love or my David Cook love. He’s in!! ‘Best Day’ plays as he runs down the hall screaming and hugging Jamal, and then crying. I hope this song is the good-bye song this year. After commercial break, we learn that Jamal is going home. He looks like he was punched in the stomach, but he’s totally gracious anyway. Danny is more shocked than anybody and this is probably tearing at the still healing stitches from his wife death. Damn you, Idol! His best friend’s wife just died!! Danny and Jamal do secret handshakes in slow motion.

A bunch of virtual strangers get in. Then Stephen, the guy who screwed up a Cook song during Hollywood week and pulled a Brooke White. He tries to excuse that, but Simon’s all, “You shouldn’t have fucked up, bitch… but you’re in the top 36 anyway.”

Nick Normund Gentle Mitchell!! He’s what I live for this season. And if he’s not in the top 36, I swear to God, I will not watch the show this season! Mark my words!!

The Brother - “I think he should go home.”

Me - “Get out of my house!”

The judges sort of tear him down for being goofy. He explains that his two loves are singing and making people laugh, and the judges are so thrown off by him being normal they just don’t know what to do. So they tell him he’s in. Nick is happy and cries and hugs Simon and a party is thrown on my couch. And I’m the only one invited. And Nick. Me and Nick. And Seacrest too.

Jackie is called to the Jester’s Chair and she’s in. I like her. Probably the only girl I like so far. She cries about how cool it is that she’ll make her parents proud. I love her, I think.

Oh God. From now on I’m calling Tatiana by her last name. Del Toro talks about sleeping with a bunch of guys, I think, but I was too busy typing out her last name to hear it. As I said before, she’s cute and she’s got a nice voice, but she’s just effin’ insane. She screams when she enters the Judges Room and Simon says, “She’s annoying me.” the second she opens her mouth. They tell her to stop being annoying and then she admits she stole a bracelet from Paula because God told her to. Then Paula proposes to her with a ring and then they run off and get married… Yeah, I have no idea either. Something’s going on, but I don’t know what. OH MY GOD… she’s in the top 36? How the H to the E to the double L did this happen?! Where’s Seacrest?! I need him to hold me! Troubled times like this need a Seacrest.

Del Toro runs all over the mansion screaming “OH MY GOD!”, then she rapes Seacrest in the hallway and scares little Nathaniel with her screaming.

I don’t know who the hell this guy is, but he’s cute, and he sings ‘When A Man Loves A Woman’. He’s good. Why haven’t we seen him before now? Oh yeah, I forgot, the first few episodes are for ass clowns.

Kara wonders why he’s even singing for his life since he’s so good. His sing-off partner is Nathaniel. - or “Nathan” - who has lived with every person he’s ever been related to in his life because his mom is a druggy and a jailbird and apparently nobody can handle his craziness except his grandma. His hair is insane, he’s wearing a few different headbands and a scarf that Michael Johns left behind last season. He sings ’I’m Already There’. I can’t say who’s better. I like Nathaniel when he’s not drama-queening it up.

The two boys sit with Ryan and there’s lots of tears about how they both want to get in but they both want the other to get in to. Ryan’s not even paying attention because he’s thinking about the manicure appointment he has later after this charade is done.

And the winner is….. NATHANIEL!!!

Oh my God, I’m excited about that. Ew… Meh, I guess he’s grown on me. He’ll be Danny Noriega all over again though, you know it.

Unknown girl is in. Unknown guy is in. A girl who looks just like Kara is in. Unknown guy is in.

Blozor636” *link to Del Toro’s Myspace*

roarimaraptor: ew

roarimaraptor: my computer has herpes now

blozor636: Crazy herpes.

blozor636: You give them herpes mediction and they scream and cry.

Welder versus Oil Rig Man. How convenient. This was like when it was Bo versus Constantine, the only two rockers that year. But they both got in. Such will not be the case here. Weldie sings a song I do not know about not being noticed. Oilie sings a song about waking up in the morning. He’s got a much better voice, and if you forced me to pick I’d choose him, but I kind of don’t care either way.

Oilie and Weldie sit together on The Couch of Doom with Ryan. They probably try to discuss manly things like welding and oil rigs, but Ryan steers the topics to safer things. To what, we don’t know, because there is no sound. Just slow motion video of them and dramatic music.

They sit side-by-side in side-by-side chairs and are told that… they are both in. And then Daughtry asks, “What about now?”

Weldie picks up Ryan and hugs him and probably bruises at least half of his ribs.

Then a stupid song plays and all 36 of them dance like idiots. I hate this part. Nobody who you are you look like an asshat. Unless you’re Del Toro. Then you look like an asshat with wind blowing your hair.

PS. My brother wants everybody to know that he loves Nathaniel. He wants me to say that I agree that Nathaniel will win, but this would be a lie.

February 10, 2009 - Live every second like you were my tattoo.

2009-02-10T18:02:00.000-08:00

What I hate about Hollywood week(s) is that most of the people they focus on aren't going to make it into the top 12 anyway. Every once in awhile, someone obnoxious gets close but chances are slim to none that they'll get in. So we’re wasting time that could be spent doing better things, like washing our hair or petting our dogs. People like Scott Macintye, Adam Lambert, Danny Gokey. People like David Cook, Clay Aiken, Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood. People like them don't have to draw attention to themselves with their antics and asshatery because their VOICES DO IT FOR THEM. Also, nobody wants somebody desperate and needy. Would you date a guy or a girl who was seriously desperate or needy? No you would not. Why? Because that shit gets old fast. The music business does not want to date some whiny, annoying doucheface either. People who don’t care about anybody else, who can’t even get into a group of 3 or 4 people and sing one damn short song without turning it into a soap opera , don’t deserve to breathing room on this planet, let alone a career in the music business.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest… THIS is American Idol. And I guess sometimes, drama can be fun. But thankfully this is the last night of it.

Also, I had this conversation yesterday.

Roarimaraptor: myspace is being an ass so i can't blog about being stood up!

JuleahFaye: MYSPACE is COMPOUNDING the problem by standing you up as WELL!

JuleahFaye: idol better not be superceded by the president or something

JuleahFaye: thats' three. things come in threes.

JuleahFaye: it could be interrupted by a special whistlestop tour of obama trying to drum up votes for the bailout.

JuleahFaye: and seacrest would be talking in the background but we'd never know.

JuleahFaye: we'd never even KNOW.

JuleahFaye: maybe, with your streak, it would happen tonight. and the whistlestop tour would only replace a new episode of house. and seacrest reporting of chris brown's delinquency on E! News. And that'd be okay. Because House is online. And E! News repeats itself all week under the disguise of 'new episodes.'

Roarimaraptor: it's just the same thing with seacrest in different outfits

JuleahFaye: yeah hello??? that's the whole concept of paper dolls. and those suckers sold. in like the 40s

Ryan’s looking sexy tonight.

Adam Lambert draws number 1. He’s singing “Do You Believe In Love” by Cher, which is AWESOME. Up next is Matt Giraud on keyboard singing ‘Georgia’. I believe I want to marry him. This I strongly believe.

Jamar is singing ‘Hey There Delilah’ and I hate it. The song, not him. Seriously, I loved that song for like 30 seconds until I had heard it 500 times.

Next is Danny Gokey singing ‘I Hope You Dance’. I want to marry him too, but only after we find out that this wife dying thing isn’t a curse that passes on from wife to wife. Cause wouldn’t that be horrible? More horrible for him, of course, but horrible for me too. And who would recap this, I ask you? WHO?!!

I don’t like this Anoop very well.

I just noticed… there’s a live band on stage. That is so weird.

Another guy I don’t like very well.

Scott is behind his piano singing ’Home’. I want to marry him. Seriously, like tonight. I’d get on a plane and go to LA if he said he’d marry me. Even though I suspect he might be gay. But he’s blind. I can lie and say I’m a dude.

Kendall sucks singing that Carrie Underwood song in which she vandalizes some dude’s car cause he cheated on her.

Stevie Wright is cool.

Lil Rounds is still loud and annoying. I’m so sick of Alicia Key songs.

Kristin is the girl who got cursed out by some black chick during group day, which makes me love her. Ryan tricks her into thinking that mean girl is behind her, so she punches Ryan in the arm. I say this every season, but I bet he bruises like a peach.

Tatiana’s up next. I hope Simon brought a gun. And I hope he’s been going to target practice. Or I hope she falls off stage. Then Simon doesn’t have to go to jail. She’s cute and she has a good voice, but she ruins it by being an idiot all the time. And she’s wearing a shower curtain as a dress. I cannot respect that.

A few more people not really worth mentioning.

Since Nathaniel plays guitar… I kind of like him. But I can do without his drama. I hate angst teenagers. Get over it. You’re not the only one in the world. But that is neither here nor there, as we don’t get to see any of that.

A bunch of girls forget the words. Then a guy chops up David Cook’s coronation song from last year. How dare you!! He pulls a Brooke White and stops and asks if he can start over. Ryan mentions it at the same time as I type it. Jinx, Ryan! JINX!! You owe me a Coke. And don’t act like you don’t get them for free! I know who sponsors you!

The contestants are all separated into four room. They call Tatiana out to tell her this whole thing was a mistake and she never should have been brought here in the first place…

Simon does not like Nick, but I want to marry Nick. Forget those other two guys I said I wanted to marry. I take it back. I love Nick. He sings ‘Georgia‘. Everybody loves him. Except maybe Simon.

Room 3 is clearly the room getting cut. We still don’t know about Tatiana though. She’s hanging around in the hall waiting to hear her fate… then they throw her into room 4 and everybody in room 4 freaks out because Tatiana’s ass should be going home.

After Simon makes a teenage girl cry, the contestants panic and stress and freak out in their respective rooms.

I wish I could fast forward through sob stories. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

Michael sings an O-Town song and I can’t help but love people who sing O-Town songs. Especially big touch oil rig guys who aren’t supposed to know O-Town songs.

Simon decides he has no interest in breaking the news to the room who’s going home, so he leaves.

Paula walks into room 2 and does her usual bit of pretending to be all shook up. Nathaniel breaks down and cries into the carpet and would somebody please just give that kid a Xanax. Then they are in!

Paula does the same thing in room 3. A room which has morphed Michael Castro’s hair into 13 different colors. They are going home. WHOOO!! Except for Michael Castro. I kind of wanted to see him again. Stoned boys are fun.

There are two groups left. I thought they’d keep both, but they’re acting all suspenseful like they might cut one. I hate when Idol torments me!! Yet… I love it. The judges enter room 1, which holds Danny and Adam, so you know they aren’t going anywhere. And they aren’t.

Everybody in room 4 pukes on themselves as they hear the screams of joy from room 1. Tatiana meditates as the judges act sad and regretful. Then she starts whining and making weird noises and I wish someone would just grab her and shove her inside of a vent and leave her there. The judges tell them they are three and everyone celebrates with everyone.

Tune in tomorrow night for… The Chair. Only it’s not a wooden chair this time. It’s like a Queen’s chair inside of a mansion. And hopefully, if we’re lucky, they shove Tatiana in a vent and leave her there.

January 4, 2009 - Hell Week

2009-02-04T18:02:00.000-08:00

It’s group time now. They’re rushing everything this season, so nobody can figure out anybody’s name. There’s a guy who’s wife died, a guy who’s clearly gay, a blind guy, and a girl in a Bikini. That’s all we know. Also, an Osmond.

A girl hand-kisses the crying gay boy with the lip piercing and tells him to get his act together and stop pouting. But he claims he’s just confused.

Things get all junior high when a few contestants can’t find groups and they go around asking people if they can join groups and the people act all, “Um…. No. We’ve already got our group.” God, I’m having flashbacks to high school.

A lot of stuff is happening and very quickly, and I can’t keep up and recap a lot of it. Rose Fleck is in a group with Bikini Girl and some others who are just like Bikini girl except they keep their clothes on and Rose hates them all. I love you, Rose.

A girl cries like it’s the end of her life if she doesn’t get to the next round. God, I hate people who act this way. Get a job and a hobby, why don’t you. She tries joining Gay Lip Pierced Boy’s group and everyone in the group is all like, “Oh no, that bitch did not just join this group.”

After eight years of watching this show, here’s the one thing I’ve learned. Nobody who acts like an asshole, a douche, a jerk, or any other variation of stupidity ever… and I mean NEVER EVER, wins. You don’t make it into the top twelve, and if you happen to get lucky and make it that far, you absolutely will not get into the top 5 even. Because America has no interest in having an asshole for our Idol. So shut up and go home. Learn to knit.

Back to the show. Girl who switched to this group, wants to go back to her original group. Which is just stupid. In junior high, during gym class, we had to put together a dance to Another Bad Creation’s ’On The Playground’… and this reminds me of that process of putting it all together. And yes, I mean that everyone is acting like a pre-teen. Maybe they are. Maybe they lowered the age limit.

Lip Piercing Boy talks about “chilling out”, while that pre-teen group of girls I just spoke of goes outside and talks about how nobody has any talent. Why are we wasting so much time on this? None of these people are going to make it on the show, because they’re morons. Class A MORONS. Move on to the people who actually have a chance. This drama was funny yesterday, but its just annoying today. I’m losing my patience with you, Francis!!

There’s some crying, some diva-ness, someone goes to bed early instead of rehearsing like someone does every single year, and several people cry. Can’t a train just come along and pick up people at random intervals? Cause these people are pissing me off! Where’s Super Nanny Seacrest?! Where’s Scott with his blind guy stick to beat people with?! WHERE ARE ALL OF THE GROWN UPS?!!

Annoying laugh, stupid dances, more divas. Bikini is behaving exactly as you’d expect someone who’d audition for American Idol in a bikini to behave. And then she disappears The rest of her group thinks about hiring rescue searchers to find her but decide that they just don’t care enough.

Can someone tell me how hard it is to form a group, learn a song… and perform it? I mean, I could do it with some sock puppets.

Son of a fucking bitch!! Bikini Girl is back! Just go home and stay there!! She apologizes to her group that she left. She was jus “tired”, like she’s the only one who had to stay up all night and learn a song. Her group gets up and walks away. Awesome. I love you, Rose Fleck!! I don’t care how weird you might be, I love you. For now, anyway.

In the auditorium, the judges arrive and warns the contestants that if they forget the words - or his birthday - they are out. Ryan arrives, looking delicious as usual. It’s really too bad for Scott that he can’t see him, cause Ryan walks right in front of him.

The first group is singing ‘I Want You Back‘. There’s a boy named Matt, I like. I don’t have an opinion on the rest of them. They’re all through.

The second group is a bunch of people who forget the words… and then they blend a few groups together and I get confused. But my guy Nick is through and that’s all that matters.

At this point, I stopped writing cause I was eating a giant brownie. But it was some of the same. Nothing worth mentioning

When I’m done eating, Simon asks for a crate of Advil. I hope he shares with me. But I want Aleve. Because it’s little, yellow, different. The judges are so over this that even Paula is cursing.

OMG!!! Today in the car I was listening to ‘Somebody To Love’ and hoping that somebody on Idol would sing it… and here we are. Danny’s awesome group singing it. Simon makes the group think that Danny is the only one who gets through, but surprise! They are all through.

Oil Man Jeremy and Adam Lambert are awesome times like a million. Except when I look at Adam, all I can see is him in drag. But I’m not complaining. When I get married, I want to elope in Vegas and one of my bachelorette party activities will be going to a drag show.

Bikini Girl’s group is so bad that Ryan starts chewing a whole pack of gum to get the dirt of her kiss out of his mouth. Simon pushes them to tattle on who didn’t show up to rehearse and they all point fingers at Bikini Girl who blames it all on her “scolioses”. I think she means like Chlamydia or something. Nobody corrects her, but Kara does call her a bitch after she leaves. You know what? I like Kara. I like her now and forever.

Osmond boy gets cut. A group of girls suck butt. Oh, it’s the group of pre-teens. I hope they all get cut. But no, they’re all through. What the… I need to clean my ears out or something. Cause I thought that was ass aweful.

Gay Lip Piercing Boy’s group is up last. I’m sure he has a name, I just don’t want to type it. He’s too obnoxious/annoying (haven’t decided which yet) to get into the top 12, so I don’t need to know his name. He’s not bad, but the girls are just so-so. Simon thought they were trying to sabotage each other by singing bad back-ups. But they were probably just sucking. Lip Piercing Boy and one of the girls are through and the other girl isn’t. Boy tries to hug her, but she pushes him away and makes him cry and pout. Then she curses at the other girl, but they bleep it out.

There’s like 800 other people still here, but we don’t get to see any of them cause we wasted half the damn show on a bunch of assholes.

Next week… more Hollywood week. But maybe we’ll get to see Scott.

February 3, 2009 - Ya’ll suck as judges

2009-02-03T18:04:00.000-08:00

Simon says “All we’re looking for is a star” meaning, don’t act like assholes. But that’s where all the fun is. When they act like assholes!! Ryan says this is the most dramatic Hollywood week ever. So far this season Ryan has already tried to high five a blind guy, got kissed full on the mouth by a girl with no discernable amount of shame, and sat between two Castros as they played "Who Can Make Who Seem Gayer First" and rolled his eyes like he doesn't play the same game every week of our lives here on this very show. I don’t really trust his definitions. So I hope by “most dramatic ever”, he means that Scott will be taking his blind guy stick to people’s knee caps. That would beat the unbeatable drama of the Brittenum twins. Remember the Brittenum twins? Remember?! If you don’t, it’s probably because they stole your memory.

Barry Manilow is here to mentor and or hypnotize people with those creepy Manilow eyes of his. But Scott can’t see them, so it’s all good for him. Nice try, Fox. Nice try.

Kauly Jo: look! it's clay aiken...coming back from the future!

On day one, half the contestants get to practice whatever song they want for about 13 seconds backstage and then come on stage in group of eights to audition. Lil Rounds in loud and annoying, but she gets a standing ovation anyway. Or a “standing O” as Ryan calls it. I’ll show you a standing O…. I’m sorry. That was distasteful. But he’s wearing a blue sweater he looks tasty in. It’s not my fault.

Lil and two others are in.

Dennis, who auditioned bad and made stupid faces, comes back out on stage to act like an a-hole. He sings to Simon like an a-hole. Dennis says they suck at judging and then walks out using the words “cheap” and “lame” a dozen times each to describe Simon’s clothes. Simon pulls out a gun and shoots him just like in that Mad TV sketch where he shot Clay Aiken.

While all this nonsense is going on, the other half of the contestants are jumping into pools and reclining by the poolside.

Back at the Kodak, Kara and Paula go hang out with Ryan and they have a ladies pow wow about how things are going. Then they go out together and get they’re eyebrows waxed and then they drink long island iced teas.

Nathaniel Marshall sings a song nobody has every heard of and he has piercing in his lip. I don’t remember him. Paula tells him he is great, but it was a bad song choice. I love him until he starts crying like Andre on season 2 of Project Runway.

Anoop Desai makes Paula smile and she starts plotting, in her head, and quite possibly on paper, how she will make him hers. Ya know, if Kara doesn’t grab him first.

Rose Fleck is cute, but she borderlines on annoying. Like she’d be totally endearing for about a week and then you have to find a new best friend cause you just can’t take it anymore. But she’s through to the next round along with the rest of her group.

Steven Fowler sounds typical. Jorge is good, but I thought he was Annop. Von Smith is loud and annoying like Lil Rounds was. Simon calls it “indulgent nonsense” and Von looks like he might cry. All three guys are through and the rest of the group is not. Von realizes he needs to work harder, which shows the kind of common sense we don’t see very often.

Nick Mitchell, or you might remember him as Norman Gentle, is up next. He is awesome and hilarious, but you can tell Simon is so over it. He calls him a joke. Nick calls Randy “dawg”. Paula tells him she wants him to sing a song stripped down and he starts to take his shirt off. If he doesn’t make it through, I am not watching this show anymore!!

And he’s through! But it’s kind of like Rose Fleck, in that he’s funny and he’s entertaining but he could easily step over the line to annoying and then Seacrest might “accidentally” push him off the stage.

If I hear “it’s a new day, it’s a new dawn” one more time, I’m gonna effin’ kill myself, I swear to God. The second half drives around in a car that takes voice commands to play music. I’d be whispering, “Play 7:05 by The Jonas Brothers” so nobody in the other lanes hear me.

Some people are through, some people are cut. Some people cry, some people hug, others wear ugly sweaters with ties.

My mom confuses Widower Danny with gay Nick from earlier. I bet my mom can’t even tell me apart from strangers on the street. She just has those kinds of issues. Nick calls Kara, Kiera, and sings ‘Kiss By A Rose’. I’ve always hated this song. He better not be starting a trend of singing songs I hate, cause I like him. I don’t want to hate a widower. It just doesn’t seem right.

Oh no, now I gotta kill a bitch. Bikini girl, who may or may not actually have a name, has her arms all around my Seacrest. She gives him that “I’ll do anything you want me to do” look. Then she puts her whore lips all over his face. She craps up ‘Breath’ on stage. My girl Kara (Yeah, I didn’t know I could switch to her side either, but throw a slutty girl at my Seacrest… and there ya go. I fold) tells her it wasn’t very good. Though she’s still through to the next round, along with everybody else in her group. Are we cutting anybody tonight?

Ryan pokes someone who looks like a larger version of himself. It’s Jeremy, the oil fields guy. His voice is all kinds of pretty and he knows how to act grown and civilized on stage. Same goes for Jesus. But Jeremy is through and Jesus is not. He acts kind of immature about it in the hall. He has to get on a plane and get home cause he is “done with this”. Shut up, Jesus. Just shut up.

Osmond boy sings and so does a girl named Ericka. Emily Covered In Tattoos rehearses her ass off on a song, but goes in to audition with something she hasn’t rehearsed yet. Dumb broad. Kara calls it disappointing and Simon agrees. Still she’s through to the next round. So is Osmond boy.

Simon and Paula fight over someone who isn’t really worth fighting over. They always get in fights over people who aren’t worth fighting over. Choose your fights people!!

I kind of want to make out with Adam Lambert, even though I’ve seen pictures of him in drag and even though we don’t even get to see him sing.

Tomorrow is group night. I don’t like assiness once the show gets underway, but since it’s Hollywood week, I hope there’s drama like there used to be. The worst thing that happened last season, is that somebody used pen on one of Cook’s Sudoku puzzle books and he muttered under his breath, but then made a joke out loud about it and everybody laughed and then went out for pizza and David Archuleta maybe ate one too many pieces and got a tummy ache.

January 29, 2009 - Two city special

2009-01-29T20:20:00.000-08:00

Not much was missed and there’s not much to recap. So I’ll make it quick.

Simon calls someone who quit her job to audition, even though she couldn’t sing her way out of a paper bag, “sensible.” Then Ryan calls her boss using her cell phone and let’s Simon convince her to give the girl her job back. The boss says yes, but I bet when she gets back, they’ve emptied her locker and gave her desk to that guy in the mail room who’s been looking to move up.

A Puerto Rican from Puerto Rico goes to Hollywood. Also, mad cleavage on a bald, black girl, people falling and breaking cameras, a girl who met Jessica Simpson at an airport, and Tutti Frutti. Oh Rudy.

Ryan dancing with a guy donning 80s rocker hair, Simon refuses to allow someone to audition with an Extreme song, the windows fall on the judges, Puerto Ricans act stupid and sell ice cream, and then a gay guy is “gay all the way“(according to my mother) when he tells Simon he likes it when Ryan touches/grabs/kicks his balls. He’s actually got a voice but he can’t stop acting stupid long enough for Simon to see past the gayness and give him a yes. He’s actually hilarious. Kara, Paula, and I want to marry him now. Randy gives him a “whatever!” and he’s going to Hollywood.

Then some people are good and some people are bad and some people have cute little brothers. I think if you bring along a cute kid to get some attention, we should just forego you and put the kid on the show. This is how Idol would be if I ran the world.

A crazy girl from last year has come back to spill her new brand of crazy all over New York and it‘s inhabitants. She is called “fairly horrendous” and then she gives them all the finger. Then the tramp holds Ryan Seacrest’ hands. How dare you live my dream, how dare you!!!

Then Ryan is cute out in the holding area, dancing. Then Randy joins in and it’s cute, but I don’t like Randy in that sort of way so it’s only sort of cute.

Next week, Hollywood week! My DVR cut off just as Ryan was describing it as the most dramatic season ever. I hope identities get stolen again and people refuse to “do groups“!

January 28, 2009 - The Home of David Archuleta

2009-01-28T18:07:00.000-08:00

Tonight we are in Salt Lake City, the home of David Archuleta. People gather on the streets in the dark waiting to audition and I would mock them, except I did it twice during season 4. I wasn’t auditioning because I didn’t feel like embarrassing my mother on those particular days, but my friend Mandy was auditioning and I went along for moral support. And ya know, Seacrest.

Randy arrives first and doesn’t know where he is, which Ryan blames on the thin mountain air, but which I blame on Randy being Randy. He never knows where he is. I bet when he goes home to his wife, he still asks her what street they live on.

The son of someone who claims to be one of the Osmonds is auditioning. His name is David and though I don’t approve of that name because we‘ve been there and done that (twice), I like him. He and his father both have multiple sclerosis, but David is out of his wheel chair and walking and it’s like a Fedorov story. This is the kind of back story I like. David is singing a song by the group Take 6, of which I do not know. There are bunch of Osmonds out in the hall and several of them are very cute. I might be moving to Utah. Yes. I think I will. Since the Osmonds breed like cats, I shouldn’t have a problem finding me one. David tricks us into thinking maybe he didn’t get through to Hollywood, but surprise! He did! He was just hiding the golden ticket behind his back!! I’ve never seen that joke done before! Not on this show! How wholesomely original!!

Ryan is wearing a lumberjack shirt. He kind of looks like a lesbian. He steps cautiously towards a rather healthy girl dressed in Goth. He’s shorter than he is and he can’t seem to take his eyes from hers. But one of her eyes keeps darting weirdly to the left, so that’s probably why. She says she’ll be singing a song called ‘One day I’ll Fly Away’ to which Kara responds, “Of course.” I’d tell Kara what thin ice she’s skating on, but this girl is weird and can’t sing anyway, so I’m totally not going to bat for her. Simon says he hopes she’ll fly away soon. The judges are all kinds of mean to her and then when she leaves in a huff, they apologize. She walks past Ryan without stopping when he tries asking her how it went. I hate when people ignore Seacrest. When you ignore him, you also ignore me. Yeah, I'm talking to you Brangelina.

A bunch of girls suck and I refuse to describe them in more detail. Then some guys suck and the same goes for them.

Chris came to the audition wearing a Simon shirt while his best friend Greg came dressed as a giant, pink bunny. Ya know, for luck. The judges argue over how the Simon on Chris’s shirt can’t actually be Simon because the picture is too good looking. He’s singing ‘Roll To Me’, a song which I love, only he isn’t very good and his stupid bunny friend dancing behind him and annoys everybody. Except Kara, who encourages him to jump around. Chris is cute and for this I wish he was good. But he is not. And they make him and his bunny leave, but first the bunny must molest Simon. Which is kind of hot. Ya know, in a weird fetish porn kind of way.

Ryan says “have we found the next Amy Winehouse?” to which I reply, “Do we really need more than one?” Seriously, you can take back the original Winehouse and I will never know the difference.

blozor: I wasn't aware we were looking for the next Amy Winehouse. WHY ARE WE LOOKING FOR THE NEXT AMY WINEHOUSE?!? My God... What if we find her?

A bunch of crazy Utahians audition really badly over the sounds of ‘Put On A Happy Face’ for no apparent reason at all. The only bright side is a cute redhead, but he is soon gone.

But then… Seacrest!! He goes out into the holding room and tells everybody not to let the judges tell them no. Oh God. He’s encouraging asshattery. I’ve never hit you Seacrest, but if I ever hit you, it will be over this. Also, maybe that shirt you’re wearing.

Girl with passion for singing sings and I think she’s the Amy Winehouse Clone Ryan threatened us with earlier. I don’t like jazz music so her audition bores me to the bones.

Oooh, and speaking of. Bones isn’t on tomorrow night so that Idol can be on again! How dare they! How dare they replace my beloved Bones, even with Idol! Seacrest is responsible for this, I know it! He’s just mad cause of that time I traded him in for David Cook. You know what they say Ry. If you like it, then you should have put a ring on it. You don’t take away Bones!

Anyway, Winehouse Lite is put through.

Megan has a Carly Smithson arm tattoo. Only instead of an unknown face, it’s a castle and a moon. She has a son named Rider. He’s adorable, but I am so over single moms. Not single moms in general. I mean, if you’re raising a kid on your own, more power to ya. But I don’t like it being used as a ploy to get me to like and/or vote for you. Except that they play ‘The World I Know’ in the background while they talk about her recent divorce and I love that song. She’s got one of those jazz voices I don’t like. Also, a scary arm tattoo. Paula loves her and wants to have her babies. Out in the hall, with her golden ticket in hand, Ryan teaches or gets taught about the word “love”. He doesn’t know what it means, though he pretends it‘s Simon that doesn‘t know how to use it.

As we go to commercial, they play my wife’s new video ‘My Life Would Suck Without You‘. As would mine, Kelly. As would mine.

Austin is class president and he‘s auditioning with a Train song. He’s got very prominent canines. I wonder if he’s a vampire living amongst humans like the Cullens. They make him sing another song, which makes no difference to his voice. He’s very Archuleta-like.

A sad song that I want to download plays while people cry. But it’s okay, because they still have their dreams. They still believe they ARE American Idols and it doesn’t even matter if it’s only in their bathrooms.

There’s a guy who’s good. Kara undresses him with her eyes. Then more people are bad and a few more of my brain cells die.

Ryan leaves the building as a really tall girl named Taylor comes in to audition. She laughs a lot, but it’s not annoying and she seems like she might be fun to hang out with. She totally doesn’t look 16 though. She’s good and the judges all say yes. Ryan is back but he’s clearly nervous because she’s so tall and tall people make him feel small.

So if Carrie Underwood - literally, Carrie Underwood, as this girl looks JUST LIKE HER - were to turn into a hippie… she’d be named Rose and she’d audition for this show, looking totally like a hippie would look. She lives with her friends family because her dad died when she was younger. Awww. That’s sad. She shows us old pictures of him/them and then cries about it. She reminds me of Luna Lovegood. Like maybe her dad was a wizard and he died when some experimental spell of his went wrong. And then people hid her shoes. I don’t like talking about dead moms and dads, so let’s just move on. Her brother’s cute though. I love her “adopted” family. When I grow up and have a family, I want to be the kind of family that will take in my kid’s orphaned friend.

She’s very sweet and polite. And still, looks just like Carrie!! It almost creeps me out, but doesn’t. She’s singing that song about feeling the earth move under her feet, which by the way are bare and have tattoos. She’s wearing a colorful beach towel as an outfit, but other than that, the girl is pleasant all around. Four yeses.

Backstage with the judges, Ryan uses the word “stellar”.

Tune in tomorrow when people act stupid, not only in America, but in Puerto Rico as well. I have an English class tomorrow night, so my recap will be late. And by late, I mean, either Friday night or not at all. But dude… what if as an assignment, we have to recap Idol. That would be awesome times ten. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go make a ringtone out of Kelly’s new song.

January 27, 2009 - Don’t stop believing

2009-01-27T18:05:00.000-08:00

David Cook said he heard the contestants were living in a mansion this year rather than the trailer parks or whatever they are they’ve been living in lately. But I think they should live in Hogwarts castle. For reals. How awesome would that be? Simon would be head of Slytherin and Kara would be head of the house that serves no real purpose, except to make the houses an even number. They call it Ravenclaw. Randy and Paula can fight over the other two houses. Or maybe we’ll give those to Ryan and… I don’t know who else. I’m sorry, fantasies like this are the only way I even make it through these auditions sometimes.

And right on cue, Simon convinces Ryan to talk in an English accent in the back of a limo. If that’s not a sign of the fate of our true love, then I don’t know what is!

So you know how Randy’s always talking about how he played with Journey but nobody ever believed him because he never supplied proof? Well, tonight, proof came in the form of a video of Randy circa 1984 with really bad hair. I mean, really bad. It’s like SNL sketch hair. This is all a set up for the auditions tonight in Jacksonville. The place where Florida begins and cop cars escort Idol judges to auditions.

Our first auditioner is a bag full of douche. He’s white, but talks like he’s black, is singing ’Let’s Get It On’, and compares himself to Justin Guarini. Look, dude. I hated Justin and I hate you. Go away or I’ll strangle you with your stupid necklace. All while I’m singing ‘Let’s Get It On’ to Ryan. The judges all say yes to him because they are stupid.

A stupid girl brings her dog to the audition and makes it sit on Simon’s lap. And the dog starts singing, “Don’t you remember you told me you loved me baby” while it licks Simon’s face. Meanwhile, her master is given four yeses and then Paula and Kara fake make out. Then the dog runs away cause this is all insane. That girl couldn’t even sing and her dog wasn‘t even all that cute.

The judges are also sitting backwards tonight, which makes me nervous. Randy and Simon have switched places and I think it’s all a set up so that him and Kara can make out. I will leave the room! I never leave the room, but I will leave the room! Mark my words, Idol!

Ryan’s driving around in a golf cart and accidentally runs off the road. He gets lost in the woods for days and he finds his way home by following a trail of popcorn I left in the woods leading to my bedroom. Don’t worry, it’s all good. I’m harmless. If he hadn’t followed my trail, he would have followed a different trail that would have led him straight into somebody’s oven. I saved his life and that’s real talk, ya’ll.

You guys remember that episode of Bones where Booth got shot and Bones is all crying and holding his head and yelling, "Booth!! No, Booth! Come on Booth!" and he's looking right in her eyes with this weird expression on his face like he's Snape and she's got Lily's eyes and... and I've been reading way too much Harry Potter. But like I said, sometimes it's the only way to make it through these auditions: talking about something else and somehow making it relate to this show. Except for the Bones thing just now which has nothing to do with Idol, except that scene was from the same episode that Ace Young was on... so, it kind of was Idol related. Score one for me. Anyway, you've got to give me something to work with Idol or this is all you get from me! I can only say so much when you show the same thing over and over again. It’s either a person who can sing, who may or may not have a back story, who gets through to Hollywood and then screams out in the hall, or it’s a jack-a-nape who can’t sing, who may or may not have a back story, who doesn’t get through to Hollywood and then goes out and screams in the hall. It’s like I’m living ‘Groundhog Day‘, only without Bill Murray around.

Paula takes a female contestant behind the giant Idol Winner Poster and rapes her. And we hear everything. Then the same girl rapes Randy and then her mom. She got that about-to-rape look in her eye as she spotted Seacrest, but he ran away.

Devin walks in the room and cries before he even starts singing. If he was on the show, it would be like if David Cook, Sundance, and the crying Sanjaya girl had a baby. It doesn’t matter though, cause he can’t sing anyway.

Naomi comes in and wets her pants because her friend out in the hall wants to make out with Randy. Her friend comes in and her and Randy run at each other in slow motion and he hugs her and he yells “At long last!!”. I like when celebrities are awesome like this. Simon makes her sit on Randy’s lap, then Paula sits on Simon’s lap, and then Randy calls Ryan in and makes him sit on Kara’s lap. Kara bounces him and puts her hands all over his man pecs and then Ryan just sits there looking confused. One time when I was a pre-teen/early teen, I went to church and had to sit on my aunt’s lap and her boob was digging into my back the entire time. Ryan kind of has that look on his face. As Kara runs her fingers through his hair, he gets up and runs away. Don’t cross me Digiuardo… whatever the hell your last name is. Don’t cross me. I don’t know who you think you are that you can walk around touching Seacrest like he‘s just some guy up for grabs.

For the second time this season, they accuse an innocent girl of giving a “joke” audition and the girl cries as her heart breaks.

blozor: Kara had Ryan sit on her lap, and Ryan had this look on his face like "Ryan confused. Where Ryan at? Is this how sex work?"

blozor: Then they told the girl that she sucked, and everyone hugged her except Simon, who looked like "Simon confused. What everyone doing? Is that how sex work?"

Topless underage boys run down the street, and alligator tries to eat Kara but misses, and a girl with a tragic back story and a nice voice auditions and gets through to Hollywood. Ho hum. Then a guy named George acts weird and gives Seacrest a contemptuous look and I am done with him. I refuse to encourage this kind of nonsense anymore. This is a singing competition, not a freak show. Although, if this guy shaved his beard off, I’d probably date him. But then he’d open his mouth to speak and I’d so be done with him.

The judges are all like “Who, what, where, when?” and Ryan’s all like “See ya around.” and George gets confused because he can’t handle statements that aren’t meant to be taken literally. He’s like, “Yeah, I’ll see you at the physics convention being held at the U of F next Saturday night at 7. Afterwards, we’re going to a poetry meeting at the…. Oh… you meant… okay, bye.”

Ann Marie calls Kara her “hero” and everyone in the room, including me and my dog, get headaches so sudden and severe that our heads explode all over the room. Simon, the only one with his head still attached, makes Ann Marie leave and come back “as a different person”. Because she auditioned with a Kara song and Simon doesn’t roll with that.

Michael never leaves home without his guitar. He cries and his panic attack has a panic attack when he’s told he can’t take his guitar into the audition with him. He sings ’Jumper’. His voice isn’t bad, but he’s nervous and shaky. Simon won’t let him sing again. Simon tells Michael to shut up, get a job, and join a band. They make him leave and out in the hall, his heart bleeds out through his eyes. He shoves his mother away with a warning not to touch him and Ryan tells him he shouldn’t talk that way to his mother. I love a man who loves his mom. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I want to have his babies.

Ann Marie comes back looking exactly the same, only with more make-up on and her hair a little more alive. And maybe she’s wearing a necklace. It’s like that scene in Not Another Teen Movie where Janie’s an ugly girl-geek until she takes her glasses off and let’s her hair down and all of a sudden everyone’s like “Janie Briggs? Is hot.” She sounds exactly as good as she did before, and so she gets a bunch of yeses.

Tomorrow? Is Salt Lake City. Be prepared for the judges to make a big fuss about David Archuleta being from Utah.

January 20, 2009 - Insert Title Here

2009-01-20T18:07:00.000-08:00

The Brother - “You know what would be funny? If I kicked you in the butt and you fell down the stairs.“

Me - “Fell down the stairs? And broke my neck? And died? And then you'd have to go to my funeral? That'd be funny?”

The Brother - “It'd give me a chance to wear my "I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry" tuxedo t-shirt.”

Just a little tidbit of what goes on inside my house. But that is neither here nor there, because THIS is American Idol.

Note: Every time I try to hum the Bones theme, I end up doing Idol instead. It’s like my mouth can’t do any other song.

Today we are in San Francisco. Randy doesn’t ask what state we’re in this time. I wish he would, that’s always funny.

Seacrest walks down a long hallway and into the judging room, looking as studly as he can be. Jeans, hoodie, white t-shirt. Simon tells him to go back out and come back in using his regular voice rather than his voice-over voice. But he leaves and doesn’t come back. But you know who does come back? A girl who looks like Kat Mcphee and Kara had a baby and gave it an annoying laugh. She has an accent, then doesn’t have and accent, then she giggles, and Ryan runs away. Maybe he was afraid she’d try and kiss him. But in those jeans, who could blame her.

She walks into the judges room and gives them a “gift”, which is really just her own press package. Lame. Then she sings and it’s not bad, but it’s obnoxious and my mom says she won’t watch the show anymore if she gets through. Simon infers that she would make a good porn star, but not a singer. So instead of shutting up, she acts the drama queen and makes stupid faces and starts singing really loud. And then instead of sending her stupid ass home… the judges put her through! I would so disown them if I had any rights to them! She tells the camera she’ll win. And then she’ll win again. And again and again. And again. She giggles some more and somewhere in the building, Ryan Seacrest throws himself out the window.

Seacrest says that San Francisco has always been ahead of it’s time… so I guess that means the contestants show up dressed as though they are from the future. After an Asian girl builds a city on rock and roll, a guy in his mid 50’s slightly resembling a monkey and wearing an ugly coat a monkey wouldn’t even wear, sings a song I do not know and don’t care enough to google. Simon refuses to discuss his “Madonna gloves”, they argue over whether or not the “carpet matches the drapes”, and then Simon makes him leave before the pants come off.

Jesus was forced to audition buy his cute little children. I still find it weird for contestants to have kids. Simon cuts him off 3 lines into his song and says he’s not gonna make it. Then they bring in Jesus 2 and Jesus 3. Randy puts Jesus 3 through to Hollywood but not his dad. Randy makes him sing again and this time he chooses that Ghost song who’s name I can never remember. The hungry for your touch song that I like to sing into David Cook’s voice mail. Everybody but Simon changes their vote just because Jesus 2 and 3 are so cute.

I know I say this every season, but I’m saying it again. I remember a time when these auditions lasted for one hour and then we were allowed to get on with our lives. I can’t stand the 6 to 8 hours we get now. I get headaches 20 minutes in.

Voice-over Ryan says we’re looking for that special someone with that special talent, yet we watch a bunch of morons who aren’t of any use to this show at all. I’d say they weren’t of use to anybody, but the Tylenol company has to be making a killing.

Blozor: And I'll be singing it in only one note.

Blozor: The one that makes dogs howl.

And then Ryan plays with a Rubix cube.

Blozor: Randy just said Paula wants a baby.

Patti: i hope they don't let her have one

Blozor: She'd probably give birth to one that hasn't been conceived yet.

Ryan makes us go back in time to 1967, the summer of love. Or random hippies having sex. But the point is, there isn’t a point. There was no reason to show a clip from the 60s at all or to even mention the hippies. For some reason it segues us into a montage of Kara and Simon fighting. I like it when him and Paula fight. I don’t know how I feel about this Kara stepping into someone else’s territory.

A girl who doesn’t know how to pronounce trachea thinks she has the right to audition for this show. Also, she can’t Simon and Randy apart. She has a stack of papers in her hand that look like the diagram of a singers… singing area. She confuses Ryan with all her technical terms for “throat” and “mouth”. Ryan asks her if it’s possible to over prepare yourself and she totally pulls a Brangelina and ignores him. She’s singing her own song called ‘Make Sweet Love’ and somewhere in the building, Seacrest runs off and hides. The judges make her stop, but she won’t leave. She talks about wanting to meet famous people, Paula’s “very hit song” she had once, and more “real talk” about what a famous producer Randy is and what a great singer Kara. The jury is still out on those last two. She sings again and won’t stop until Kara drags her out by her elbow, which gets her called “Kiera”.

Some people sing good and get yeses and Antonella Barba’s twin sister auditions and gets through AGAIN. I hope she keeps her shirt on. Cause I saw those naked Antonella pictures and some things you just can’t come back from.

Adam has been singing since he was ten. And he actually means singing, not like whatever those bad singers mean when they say they‘ve been singing for years. Randy tells him not to be “skurred”, but he’s not. He sings ‘Bohemian Raphsody’ and I fall just a little bit in love. Simon calls him “theatrical”, but Kara cuts Simon off and tells him it doesn’t matter, he can sing. Go Kara!! I mean… I hate you, but kudos. Four yeses. Even Ryan is happy, cause Adam is hot.

Kyle can only do his music at night because he is taking care of his sick mom - who is Sinead O’Connor, by the way - during the day. That‘s sweet. I want to vote for him just because that‘s sweet. I want to date him. I want to date him and raise a bunch of wonderful babies with him. I suppose we can get married too. I believe the title of the song he’s singing is called ‘Smoke Gets In Your Eyes’. He gets 4 yeses. And 1 more from me for the marriage proposals.

Only 12 people from San Francisco got through to Hollywood. That’s sort of sad. In an “I don’t have high hopes for this season” kind of way.

January 14, 2009 - Kansas City, here I come

2009-01-14T19:11:00.001-08:00

Yeah I took a Jackson 5 song and made a lame joke out of it. What are you gonna do about it? I’ll tell you what you’re going to do. Nothing! Because this… is American Idol. Tonight, we’re hitting Kansas City. From the past! Cause this was taped last summer. I hope they find David Cook again!!

In the stadium, Ryan spins women around and hugs them and I get angry because I went to two different auditions for season 4 and he wasn’t there at either one. There’s a stupid “KC/DC” sign in the audience and I immediately go to the Caldwell/Cook place even though he dumped her ass. Huzzah!!

The judges arrive and somebody asks if they’re in Missouri or Kansas, Jason Castro molests Paula Abdul while his brother waits to audition, and nobody cares that Kara is there.

Kelly: HAHAHA... and crickets chirp for kara's arrival

Chelsea looks like a typical Carrie Underwood cookie cutter, only she can’t sing. Simon says she sounds like a cat falling of the Empire State Building. And when they pulled the cats body out of the twisted burning wreck, it looked like THIS… Sorry. I can’t resist a good Pee Wee’s Big Adventure quote. Out in the hall, Chelsea says she feels like crying, but I think it’s more because of Ryan’s ugly shirt than anything else.

Why are they playing an Idol commercial DURING Idol? I feel like I’m in Menards, where are they always play that song overhead trying to convince you to shop at Menards even though you’re ALREADY THERE. I don’t complain though, because it’s the David Cook version and ya’ll know how I love me some Cook.

Casey Carlson is singing “A Thousand Miles” and all I can think about is that scene in White Chicks where the one Wayon turns the song on the radio cause he thinks it’ll turn off the black guy but he loves it and starts singing along. The judges all say yes and then the real version of “A Thousand Miles” starts playing and she runs away and everybody in the hall screams. And then Casey screams. But ya know what? I don’t hate her. Hmmm.

Brian is a large boy with a beard, a V neck tee, cowboy boots, and a hairy chest. It’s like he’s trying to be David Cook. Nobody can be David Cook! David Cook couldn’t even tell you how to be David Cook! He just IS!! Anyway, Brian sings an Aretha song, is horrible, and Simon uses the word horrendous a few times. They try to tell him no, but he starts screaming a Josh Grobin song. It’s too bad. I would have liked this guy… if he wasn’t himself. If he was somebody else entirely, I just might like him. He tells the camera he won’t cry, which leads us into a montage of people crying and/or screaming overdramatically and I run off to you tube that episode of Family Guy where Stewie auditioned.

Ryan is out on the streets in Kansas City harassing David Cooks parents who just happen to be crossing the street, while his version of “Billy Jean” plays in the background. This is a set up for Ryan to say they all hope they’d find some talent of David Cook’s caliber. Ha! Keep dreaming Seacrest, keep dreaming.

Somebody sings bad, a fat gay guy sings “Reflection”, another guy sings really bad. Then yet another guy sings about how he used to be blind and then now he can see. I wonder if Seacrest ever tried to high five him. A cute boy with a stupid hat sings “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” very loud. Maybe if he wasn’t screaming it, he might actually sound good. It’s hard to tell seeing as how I just lost my hearing due to the high volumes at which he sang. I wonder if Seacrest will try and “Marco Polo” me. The cute boy is named Von. The judges like him and Kara likes his “big instrument.” Now we’ve got to deal with Kara trying to get with young boys too, on top of Paula. And sometimes, me.

Jason Castro’s brother Michael is auditioning and has the nerve to call Jason “more girly” than him even though he’s sitting there with his baby carrying hips. His interviewing skills are just as bad as Jason’s. Ryan sits in between them as they argue over what “more girly” means. Once they decide it means more emotional and not gay, Ryan gets up and leaves.

Kelly: ryan's like "How am I the one with the most testosterone here???"

Michael’s pretty good considering the fact that he only started singing 20 days ago. He’d make a good lead singer in a punk-country band, but I don‘t think he‘ll make a good Idol. Simon calls him “goodish”, Kara calls him “ballsy“. They all give him a yes.

Dude, I wanna see Mall Cop.

Ryan predicts that we’re going to get some crappy singers. And we do!!

Matt is a big, bald man. He got married and had a kid and now he can’t sing so much. It’s Chris Daughtry! It’s an older, balder version of Chris Daughtry!! I say balder because he has a much bigger head. I like him already cause I like nice family men. He’s singing “Ain’t No Sunshine”. And guess who he sounds like? Chris Daughtry!! Put him through!!

Isn’t it weird how I hate the girls who sound like somebody who already exists yet I love the guys who sound like guys who already exist? Yeah, I’m totally sexist like that. And as they put him through to Hollywood, a Daughtry song starts playing. But I called it first.

“Jazz” has pink, blue, and purple and she can’t sing. As she’s singing “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” she opens her mouth so wide that Seacrest might accidentally fall in if he got too close. When she finishes singing, nobody says anything. They all just stare until she picks her hat up off the floor, puts it on her head, and walks out of the room with the rest of her dignity tucked in her back pocket.

Jessica yells and yells at her Grandma, but it’s only because she can’t hear very well. Not because she’s mean. Well, she might be mean. But we don’t know that. All we know is she takes care of her Grandmother and that is nice. She’s singing “Cry Baby” which is one of my favorite songs ever and I can’t wait to hear somebody sing it on this show. Only not her. But the judges disagree and she’s going to Hollywood, baby. I keep accidentally typing “abby” instead of baby. Abby something… abby… normal.

People hug each other and fall in love while waiting to auditions. Some people already love each other. Like sisters Asia and India , who kind of look like Mandisa and Paris. Or remind me of them anyway. They joke about being twins and I like them. They’ve decided to forgo singing and instead rap a song for Randy. The judges make them stop rapping and start singing. Asia sucks, but India is good. Asia is through and India is not. Out in the hall, two of their family members try to hump Ryan and he looks considerably more joyful about it then he did when Bikini Whore kissed him yesterday.

A guy with a weird head and a weird haircut sings very well. They tell him he’s too loud even though at least two people have sang even louder than that already and nobody said a thing then. But he’s through anyway. I hope he brings a scandal to the show. We’re overdue for one. We didn’t have any last year. The closest thing to a scandal was the assumption I made that Brooke White was probably lying about never having seen a Rated R movie. What happened to the good old days of identity stealing and throwing phones at your baby momma? The days of lying about your age and lying about the time you were arrested for beating up your sister? What happened?!!

Danny is a 28 year old music teacher. His best friend is the guy with the weird head and weird haircut. They kept showing him before every commercial break for the past hour and I was making fun of him because I assumed he was crying about that time he had acne and the doctor said there was nothing he could do for him. But you know why he was really crying? Cause his wife died a month ago!! I’m so going to hell now. So I take back all the jokes I hadn’t written about him yet. He’s singing that song about how sound waves travel through the vines of grapes and he heard them! He’s cute. He’s good. Judges call him the best, they all knuckle punch him, and then he goes to Hollywood.

Kelly: he's awesome.

Kelly: but...

Kelly: you have to wonder if the producers didn't write somewhere on the bio sheets, "wife died like yesterday. be nice!!!"

A bunch of girls are really bad all in a row, which further proves my theory that most women just don’t belong on this show.

Anoop has a serious unibrow problem. But I don’t doubt that Ryan will take him under his wing and take care of that. I’m pretty sure Ryan has a standing waxing appointment at least once a month. He’ll bring Anoop along. Cause Anoop’s going to Hollywood.

A collection of people suck of “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” (or “signed, seed, the limit” if you‘re certain people who think learning the lyrics to a song don‘t apply to you). Someday I’m gonna jump out of a box on Ryan’s doorstep singing this song. And I’ll sound just as bad as these people. But my voice will be filled with love and that’s the difference. THAT’S the difference.

Ryan bull craps us about how since it’s season 8, gimmicks aren’t going to work anymore. Yet… here we are, watching a montage of gimmicks. And let us not forget the bikini girl from yesterday.

Speaking of gimmicks… Andrew has brought two cheerleaders to cheer him on. I hate cheerleaders. But they didn’t bother to learn the new judge’s name and… I sort of respect that. They’re funny anyway. So Andrew skips in and is totally gay and is singing “My Girl” and he’s really good. Simon doesn’t think so and neither does anybody else. Now I’m sad. But oh well. The cheerleaders cry out in the hall and then Ryan leads them in a spirit cheer.

Then a band director is awesome. He sings “The Way You Make Me Feel”. Simon likes him but doesn’t understand the song choice. Everybody says yes and everybody in the hall screams and Ryan gets all limp wristed and cheers along with Band Directors cute little girl. Ryan with kids makes my ovaries hurt. I want to have his babies. And I really mean that. Not like when I say I want to have David Cook’s babies and what I really mean is that I want to make wild love to him and if I happen to get pregnant, then so be it.

Michael is 20 years old and has a special Olympics medal that someone convinced him was for “best vocalizing in music class” back in grade school. He calls himself a star that has been undiscovered. His mother doesn’t support him… and for good reason. He’s singing an original song that is really bad. Vocally, I mean. Maybe even lyrically, but I’m not really listening. It’s a sweet song and he says he wrote it for his mother. Simon wants to hear the one he wrote for his Grandmother. Which he does and it’s just as bad. Vocally. I’m not judging lyrics tonight. They laugh at him that it’s the same song. Mean judges!! They send him and his special Olympics medal out into the hall where he cries and refuses to make eye contact with the camera. I hope someday Constantine will learn from this. And learn from it well.

Ryan does a black people handshake with someone in the hall. Someone who had a dream about Simon last night. Not a dirty dream he says, but I think he’s lying. I want to have a dirty Seacrest song. Anyway, he’s singing a Chris Brown song and… wait, is this Chris Brown? Chris Brown can’t really sing, so singing one of his songs probably isn’t the best choice for an audition. His voice when he speaks kind of sounds like… any black girl from any season of this show. He begs to be let through because he has no dignity. But they let him through anyway, because of think of the things they could do to him in the Hollywod rounds. Ya know, with the lack of dignity and all. Ryan does fancy black people handshakes with him again in the hall. I hope he sticks around just for that.

I’m so sick of hearing about Bikini Girl! She’s ruining our lives and eating all of our steak! Go HOME!!

Blozor: I don't think you'll hear about her long.

Blozor: She'll be in the back of a Penthouse, or on her back in a Penthouse, in less than six months.

Simon makes fun of a Paula fan, some people sing really bad, other people are going to Hollywood, and someone falls asleep in the holding room. Then she auditions really badly and they send her away. She goes on a rant about how the judges are cutting EVERYBODY and God will punish them because she is a singer! She calls herself a singer kinda like how I sometimes refer to slot machines as videos games and get myself stabbed by video gamers.

Lil Rounds has an awesome name and an awesome voice. But she’s really just another black girl with a great voice. Tamyra, Trenyce, Fantasia. They’re all the same. She’ll make it into the top ten though. And I won’t hate her. Neither will the judges. They all say yes. She’s so happy out in the hall and happy people make Seacrest happy and a happy Seacrest makes a happy Patti.